What If The Real Danger Is In The Story?

I’m breaking down how men justify abusive behavior and how those stories keep the cycle of violence alive. I share the phrases we hide behind, the ego and comfort we protect, and what real accountability sounds like when we finally stop blaming everyone else. 
• abuse as more than hitting, including emotional, mental, financial, sexual pressure, and using kids 
• justification as the real engine that protects harmful behavior 
• personal example of cheating, rejection, and blaming instead of owning choices 
• common escape routes like “she pushed me” and “I didn’t mean it” 
• intent vs impact and why impact is what counts in repair 
• ego, identity, and comfort as the shields that block growth 
• what real accountability sounds like with no conditions 
• the need for a buffer of men and mentors who call you out 
• reflection questions to replace excuses with ownership 

If this episode spoke to you in any way and you need someone else to hear it, or want someone else to hear it, share it with them. Send me comments. DM me, tell me that I'm right or wrong or because I'm in this, not to say I'm de facto this is what it is. I'm in this because I'm trying to also figure it out as well.

Transcript

Why This Show Exists

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're listening to Excellence Above Talent, a podcast where we have the hard conversations about the lives of men and what leads us to achieve greatness and suffer defeat. Hear from other men's journeys as well, as we all learn and grow together to become inspirations to ourselves and those around us. And now your host, Aaron Thomas.

Abuse Beyond Physical Violence

How Justification Fuels Abuse

Cheating And Blame In Marriage

The Phrases Men Use To Excuse

Intent Vs Impact And Real Growth

Stop Hiding To Protect Ego

What Accountability Sounds Like

The Men You Need Around You

Reflection Questions And Closing

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Aaron Thomas with excellence above talent. Man, there's so much stuff going on in my life right now that I really can't talk about, but uh just know that as a human being, you have a finite chance of creating a life that you would want for yourself, that your younger self would be proud of, where you're not pressing to go to work, where you're not dreading going to work, where you look around and you're surrounded by the people that want to be around you. You have money in your account, enough money to, if you want to leave and go somewhere, you don't have to save up, you don't have to try to get on credit. And there's a lot of people that are afraid to make big changes in their lives for fear of not knowing where their next paycheck is coming from, from the fear of having other people who have stayed at jobs for 20 and 30 years miserable, look down on you, make fun of you, talk about you, because you're still trying to figure it out at an older age, 40, 50, 60. And I'm here to tell you you don't have long on this earth to become the best version of yourself. So you should never stop trying to find you and the best version of yourself. And my I'm not even sure why I started off this podcast like that or like this, but do not be afraid to live the life that other people are afraid to live. Because if I know one thing, I know this God doesn't bless or open up doors for people who sit on their purpose. God opens up doors and he blesses people who are moving towards their purpose. So we are on episode 14 of my 24-week series of why men become abusive and what we can do as a society or as men to have the conversation to get better. And when I talk about abuse, it's not hitting someone. It can be mental, emotional, financial, using kids, thinking because I'm a man, this these are my roles and titles, and I don't do anything else. There's a lot of ways men can be abusive, sexual abuse when it comes to not raping someone, but making someone feel so uncomfortable that they might as well have sex with you, or you're going to make their life harder. Creating a space where the woman in your life can't say no for fear of what you're going to do, that's abusive. Instead of having a conversation and trying to figure out what's going on, how she's feeling, what she needs from you in order to change her mood or how she's feeling at the time. And these are things that people don't want to talk about, or these are things that people didn't know that they needed to talk about. And this episode is about how men justify abuse, and these are the stories that keep the cycle of violence alive. Again, most men don't wake up thinking I'm going to be abusive. And most men don't wake up thinking they are abusive. A lot of men wake up thinking they are right, they were pushed, and their abusive behavior is justified. But sometimes the most dangerous part of being abusive isn't the behavior from that man. It's the story that that man told himself to excuse it, to make him out to be the victim, to make others feel sorry for him. On this episode, we're going to be talking about justification and why justifying why I do the things I do can keep the cycle of violence alive. So if you want to understand why harmful behavior continues, you have to look at what a man tells himself after it happens. Because behavior doesn't just repeat randomly. Behavior repeats because it's protected. And it's protected because I'm justifying why I'm doing the things I'm doing. In my last marriage, I tried to justify why I cheated. Because I wasn't getting enough sex at home. Because I got rejected, or I felt like I got rejected when she said no. But I wasn't creating a space that would be inviting for someone to feel more open and vulnerable. I created a space, whatever'd distrust, mental and emotional abuse. And so within that space, that doesn't make someone want to want you. And because she didn't want me, I justified that this was something that she did that pushed me to cheat on her. And until I finally stopped trying to blame her, it's when I realized how weak of a person or a man I was by saying you will be the only one. I will protect you at all cost. And then I do what I say because, like Kevin Gage said, I'm thinking with my dick. And not thinking about her, about us, and what we're trying to build, I went out there and I did what I felt like I needed to do in order to protect myself from, I don't know, something that I thought I did I needed to protect myself from. And so it's super important to understand and know that if you're trying to justify or explain your behavior, when you know that behavior is hurting someone else, you're not protecting you, you're not protecting her, you're not protecting the energy that you want to bring into your life. You are protecting the abusive behavior that will not stop until you stop protecting it. Just justification sounds like she pushed me. I wouldn't have reacted like that if she didn't do this or didn't say that. Or if she did do this or did say that. I was just angry. That's not abuse. It wasn't that serious. And everybody argues like that. Some of the examples of what justification sounds like. These aren't excuses. They're escape routes, ways to avoid the responsibility of how you're making someone else feel. And we justify ourselves as men to protect our ego. And again, ego isn't real. It's something that we've made up over time and can be changed. But in the moment, that's one thing we're trying to protect. Our ego. We're trying to protect our identity. I'm a provider and a protector. I'm not an abusive man. I'm taking care of all the things I'm taking care of and going to work. This is what I'm supposed to do. This is what she's supposed to do. And there is no growing and learning in between. And justification protects our comfort. In order for you to see who you are, you have to see who you are. And that's uncomfortable. Because some of us, I would say a lot of us, are monsters. Monsters, and we don't know it. But we're tearing up and destroying families. And I'm in a point in my life where I would rather be a monster and know that I'm a monster so I can fix my behavior than blindly not know that I'm a monster when I am a monster. We protect our ego, identity, and comfort. Because if I admit I'm wrong, I have to face guilt, shame, the need to change, and the possibility of hurting someone. Or the possi the possibilities that I have hurt someone. And that's not fun. That's uncomfortable. And so instead of facing who I am as a man and as a person, I try to explain it away. I try to justify why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. One of the most common justifications is I didn't mean it. But I'll tell you right now, as a man, your intent does not erase your impact. You can hurt someone without meaning to. You can damage trust without meaning to. And if you only focus on your intentions, you ignore the result of your actions. Growth starts when you shift from I didn't mean to to that's what I did and I need to fix it. Because there's a lot of men running out here and they look strong. But when you start to peel the layers back, or when things start to come out, or when a woman says this is what he did to me, you realize how much of a bitch he is. There's a lot of strong men that look strong on the outside, but on the inside they're bitch made. And when I say bitch made, you're a bitch if you can't protect your wife and kids. You're a bitch if you if you're running around cheating. You're a bitch if you always play the victim. You're a bitch if you're always right. You're a bitch if you can't see the monster that you are. You're a bitch if you don't see how your energy, when you come into a room and things change in a negative way. There's a lot of men out here posing as men, but are actually bitches. Because there's no accountability whatsoever. You're saying you're a man, but you're not accountable for your actions. That's what bitches do. You're saying you're a man, but you don't protect what you say you're going to protect. That's what bitches do. You say you're a man, but you don't want to look in the mirror and figure out how you as a man can be better because it's uncomfortable. Because it's gonna make you go into your feelings and talk about things you don't want to talk about. So you create this energy and vibe that only destroys and destructs the people in your life. That's what bitches do. And if you don't like the word bitch, or if you don't like to be called a bitch, don't do what bitches do. We are men. Men trying to figure it out, men trying to push forward to make our lives better and the people in our lives better. And as men, we don't shift the blame on our actions to someone else. If she didn't, if they didn't, if that didn't happen. But here's the truth no one controls your reaction but you. You can't be disrespected and respond with discipline. You can't be triggered and still choose control. The moment you blame someone else, you give away your power to change, and the bitch shows up. Then the issue is you've told yourself this story over and over and over again that that story now is a pattern. So if your story has always been to justify, protect, defend, or prove yourself to people, then your behavior continues. If your story is I need to change, I need to become better, I see how that made her feel, then your behavior has a chance to evolve. There's a quote that I live by and I love by Lisa Nichols, she's a motivational speaker, and she says, if you want to live, and I'm paraphrasing, your most freed life, you do not have to hide, protect, defend, or prove who you are to anyone. And as a man, if you have to hide, protect, defend, and prove yourself to anyone, you have to start asking the question: what am I hiding? What am I proving? What am I defending? Because there's a lot of men that feel like they have to hide, protect, defend, and prove who they are to protect their ego, to protect their identity, and to protect their comfort. And this connects to the cycle of violence. Because in the apology stays, men often say I'm sorry. But internally, they don't mean I'm sorry. They mean you shouldn't have pushed me. And so nothing actually changes. Because the behavior isn't the root, the belief is the belief of I'm this man that do all these things, but deep down they're a little bitch. And I'm not trying to be derogatory, I'm not trying to make someone feel some type of way. There's a little boy in all of us that's trying to grow up to be a man, and maybe someone never had a hard conversation or a hard talk with you that's not how men are supposed to act. And I think I'm in this place in life where I feel unheard and misunderstood. Because in the eyes of society, I'm the bitch because I'm having tough conversations, or I talk about my feelings and emotions, and I truly want to see the people around me happy. I truly want to see the people around me grow and be the best that they could possibly be. But from the outside looking in, from society, that's not what men are supposed to be, or how they're supposed to look. So those types of men are viewed as less than or weaker. And the men who would just from society's standard, they look big, they got all this money, they got, you know, influence, they got some power, they have all these things from the outside looking in, you would think their life is great. But if you ever get close to that person, you'll realize I don't, I wouldn't want that shit. If someone gave me a billion dollars for people on the outside who don't really give a damn about you to look at you and be like, oh my gosh, you're so strong and you're so amazing. But on the inside, you're broken and you're hurt and you're acting like a bitch towards your wife and your kids, and you can't even see it because you want to protect yourself. You want to protect your identity, your ego, your comfort. So everybody around you has to walk on eggshells because you're a bitch. And people shouldn't have to do that. As a man, when you walk into a room, people should know, oh, things are gonna get better. Oh, he brings a different energy into the room where he's trying to help and figure things out and not make it about himself. Bitches aren't accountable for their actions, and real accountability looks different. Real accountability looks like I did that, I made that choice, I chose that, that was wrong, I hurt someone, and I need to change my behavior. I, I, I, I, I. I never looked towards someone else to try to blame or be the victim of how I feel because I make someone else feel shitty. As men, you don't make excuses. There are no conditions, there are no buts. It's looking in the mirror and saying what I can do better to make myself a better man for me first and for the people around me. And that's hard, but that's also where transformation starts. So the hard truth is, as long as you justify your behavior, it will always be repeated. Stop explaining your behavior and start owning your behavior. I did that. What can I do to make it better? How can I fix it? Because the moment a man becomes honest with himself, it's the moment real change becomes possible. You don't want to walk around this earth with the ideology of people around me think I'm this amazing man. While deep down on the inside, there's nothing made there's nothing amazing about you because you choose not to hold yourself accountable for the actions that you did that created tension or dishonesty or frustration. As a man, blaming anyone for why you feel the way you feel is weak. That is why it's so important to have that buffer. People you can talk to, your pastor, therapist, counselor, a trusted friend who's working on himself. Because you can't go talk to a friend that's a bitch, because he's only going to give you answers like a bitch would. You have to talk to men who aren't afraid to be vulnerable and show themselves to people who aren't afraid to piss you off by telling you you're wrong. You shouldn't do it that way. Why are you acting this way? You need to be around people who call you on your bullshit so that you are holding each other accountable for your actions and your words and how you treat people. Because at the end of the day, you can't do this life on your own. You need people. So my reflection questions this week. Number one, what excuse do I most use when I'm wrong? Two, when was the last time I blamed someone else for my reactions? And three, what would fully what would full accountability look like for me? So this week, catch yourself when you make an excuse and replace it with ownership. If this episode spoke to you in any way and you need someone else to hear it, or want someone else to hear it, share it with them. Send me comments. DM me, tell me that I'm right or wrong or because I'm in this, not to say I'm de facto this is what it is. I'm in this because I'm trying to also figure it out as well. I don't have it all figured out, and I will never claim to. So if anyone hasn't told you today that they love you, let me be the first to say I love you. You're awesome, you're amazing. You deserve the best that this world has to offer. Do not quit, do not give up, because the world does not get easier, but you will get stronger. You have a blessed weekend, and we'll see you next week. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Thank you for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast so you never miss an episode. And for daily, motivational, and up-to-date content, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at ExcellenceAbove Talent. And remember, keep moving forward, never give up, and you are never alone in this battle. We'll see you next time!