The Walk Family Podcast
The Walk Family Podcast is a show focused on biblical parenting (what the Bible says about parenting) and reaches all stages of life. Whether you are a new or experienced parent, we all make mistakes and wrestle through what being a godly mom or dad looks like in daily life. This podcast provides hope and encouragement through the Bible's teaching about being the parent God desires you to be.
The Walk Family Podcast
Meth, Motherhood, and the Messiness of Second Chances
A straight-A student with a stable family background doesn't fit the typical addiction stereotype, yet Courtney Propper's life crumbled with shocking speed once substances took hold. Her raw testimony reveals how college experimentation rapidly escalated to methamphetamine addiction, multiple arrests, and ultimately losing custody of her young daughter.
"From September to December I've just been doing meth," Courtney explains, "my addiction to this substance was not even a year long thing. It dragged me down that quick." What makes her story particularly powerful is how quickly methamphetamine destroyed everything she cared about, transforming from smoking to injecting within just months.
The crushing moment when Child Protective Services removed her daughter serves as the emotional center of Courtney's testimony. Yet even this devastating loss wasn't immediately enough to break addiction's hold. It took multiple arrests, jail time, and the realization she was rapidly approaching death before surrender became possible.
Courtney doesn't sugarcoat the difficult road back. Her recovery journey stretched over four years before regaining custody of her daughter—time she now recognizes was necessary to build a solid foundation. "If I had got my daughter back when I thought that I needed her back, there's a 99.9% chance I probably would have relapsed," she reflects, acknowledging divine timing in her restoration process.
Now married, sober, and raising her daughter with a renewed faith foundation, Courtney's testimony offers hope that even from the darkest places, complete transformation is possible. Her vulnerability in sharing these painful chapters creates a powerful reminder that addiction doesn't discriminate, but neither does the opportunity for redemption.
You can connect with Courtney at Courtney@recoveredonpurpose.org
The One Brought Back by Courtney Proper
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So just real quick. So from September to December I've just been doing meth, so my addiction to this substance was not even a year long thing Like it dragged me down that quick. So from September to December I was like having fun with it, and then December Braley got taken. From December to January I was still smoking it, and then from January to the end of February I was shooting it. So very, very small timeframes of this sequence and everything was taken from me.
Speaker 2:Hey everybody, it's Tony and welcome back to the Walk Family Podcast. I am bringing you a series titled Seasons of Despair, which focuses on different experiences of life, such as marriage, raising kids and loss of loved ones, and how people navigate those hardships. Laura and I bring to the table conversations from our own home, as well as introduce some guests sharing their stories. Everybody goes through trials and tribulations in life. Sometimes it feels we can't ever escape the pain that that brings. James 1, 2, and 3 says consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. This is easier said than done. Despair, by definition, is the loss or absence of hope. As a believer in Jesus, there is always that eternal hope we have, but sometimes we don't always feel like it exists. It's an incredibly challenging thing when we feel despair in this life, when we think there is no hope and all we experience is hurt and pain. My hope and my prayer is that this series will show that you are not alone in your moments of despair. Hey everybody, welcome back.
Speaker 2:I just finished a conversation with our guest, courtney Propper, who is just a wonderful person. Amazing, amazing story, amazing testimony, where she is going to share with all of you her basically like her lowest of low points, and it was a journey. This was not something that just happened within a couple of months or like a season, but she is going to share her journey through graduating high school, going off into college and her struggle with addiction and, as this problem kind of manifests over years and years, you will see and you will feel the pain of this downward spiral. But that is not where the story ends. Her remarkable testimony kind of shows how God uplifts her through that.
Speaker 2:So, without further ado, let me introduce to you Courtney Broper. Well, courtney, like I said before, thanks for joining me on the show. I'm excited to talk with you. It sounds like you have kind of a whirlwind journey and so I really want to start from like the beginning. So it sounds like, maybe back in high school and college, like you had everything going for you yeah, straight A's athlete Like you had it made. Can you, can you tell me a little bit about like the highlights?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So basically, I mean all the way up until I was nine, it was me, my sister, my mom, my dad, everything was great. They ended up splitting up and then divorcing when I was 12. But even that wasn't really that serious. They kind of were just better friends, slash co-parents than spouses. So I don't even really consider that like a traumatic experience. It was just one thing that happened that was kind of like out of the norm.
Speaker 1:But yeah, in high school I mean I did all the things I was doing, extracurriculars more than I was doing like studying. I was in basketball and volleyball and band and debate team and student council and National Honor Society and all of those things, and we were going to church every Sunday morning, wednesday night, I mean we had to be like bleeding or dying. If you know we're going to skip church. So, raised in a very structured home, I wasn't really able to get away with much. I didn't try, really, because I was so busy with school and sports stuff. I kept all my grades up. So I never like struggled in the academia department. And I have a younger sister she's about four and a half years younger than me so we were a little bit too far in age, as far as like being close when we were growing up. We're close now but other than like the typical sibling rivalry, there was really no, no issues in my childhood and even after my parents divorced, they were both always at my like clarinet recitals. They were both going to my debate tournament. So there was never any, like you know, do I see mom or dad or whatever. It was a very. It was the best possible um circumstances that a divorced couple with two kids could have. So I never really struggled with like trying to get mommy or daddy time or jealous or anything like that. Um.
Speaker 1:And then I went to college in August of 07, down to Texas state university, and I kind of, you know, I got. I was able to go there cause my grades were good enough. My, you know, my college application had all the list of my extracurriculars and I got down there and obviously, you know, college is kind of like when you party and everything, and I wasn't like, oh my gosh, like I can't wait to start drinking and doing all the things I couldn't do. But I definitely went down there with the mindset of like, ok, like now I don't have mommy and daddy around. You know I can kind of do do what people do, but I wasn't trying to escape from any childhood trauma.
Speaker 1:You know, I feel like a lot of people who suffer from the disease of addiction have kind of a reason that they turn to drugs or alcohol. I didn't have a reason, you know, I need to make sure that that's clear, because my parents did a great job raising me. I just have that thing in my brain where once I start doing something or once I try something that feels good like I want to stop, and it was. You know it was a progressive thing. It just started with, like you know, drinking a little bit at the dorm and going to the Greek parties, you know, the frats and everything, but then it just kind of, you know, gradually started to escalate into more than just alcohol.
Speaker 1:I would do kind of whatever was around, not because, again, not because I was low on self-esteem or trying to escape anything. I would just like, you know I'm here, I might as well Like I'm on my own Mom and dad were still paying for my car and my. You know they were paying for all the things I didn't have to work for anything which, you know, depending on how you look at it could have been like enabling or whatever. How you look at it could have been like enabling or or whatever, but at any rate, I was able to do what I wanted, really without any kind of repercussions at the beginning.
Speaker 2:From a parent's perspective. Like you, checked all the boxes like you had everything going for you. And so, yeah, I think, like you know, if I was, if I was your dad, it's like, yeah, there's no, there's no concern, there's no worry. I mean you're faithfully going to church consistently.
Speaker 2:You have great grades, you're athletic, you have an opportunity to go to college and study Like you got it, you got it made and then obviously, like with your story, there was a downward spiral. But I'm I'm curious what was kind of that trigger? What started that?
Speaker 1:It was kind of just. You know, I just started out people, everybody, it wasn't really a certain group. I was just in college and, you know, started partying and I got to a point where I liked myself better whenever I was drinking. You know, I was more talkative, I came out of my shell, more. It had the effects that I think it does on a lot of people. That's why drinking is kind of socially acceptable, but it just it got to a point and there was not like a pivotal moment, it was just something that, like I started to do more and more.
Speaker 1:I had my college classes set up to where I only went to class Monday through Thursday, so like the weekend started Thursday night and didn't until Sunday night. So you know, almost half my time was free time. I did work. I still. I worked at the rec center on campus, um, I had some like waitressing gigs and stuff. So I had some play money. My parents never made me work. They're like your job right now is school, um, but I just always had that kind of, um, ambitious mindset. You know, if I could work like I wanted to, because why not? And so, even though I was partying a lot for the at the beginning I was still able to, like, show up for my shifts and get my, keep my grades up and still party, you know. So I was able to do the juggling act of you know the productivity and then, like my rec time for my social events and and yeah, it really wasn't something that triggered it I just decided, like people, I thought people liked me better when I was drinking and also everybody was just always drinking, you know. So, um, I wasn't like, oh, I got a drink so I can fit in, I just was drinking, you know, to go on the river and you know we'd have, like I said, the frat parties and stuff and we were just having a good time and for a while it was fun, you know, for a while I didn't have any consequences. You know, my job wasn't suffering, my grades weren't suffering, um, and you know I was just doing what I felt at the time. All college kids, do you know I did stop going to church, so kind of. You know I didn't have the the ambitious for my spirituality or the ambition for my spirituality once I went to school, but I had been baptized when I was 13. I knew where my roots were and I felt like God understood. So, yeah, the first semester down there.
Speaker 1:Well, let me back up. I went down there August of 07. And I actually got my first ticket About a month later. It was an alcohol related ticket. It was a minor in consumption, obviously, I was only 18.
Speaker 1:Um, we were floating the river. You know, we'd get on an inner tube and just kind of like float along and I mean hundreds of people, you know, it was just the thing to do, and we were like tied. Our inner tube was tied to a bunch of other people's, some of which were 21. And there was like a cooler of beer in it and they had river wardens at different like checkpoints down the river and they were just, I mean, it's like a cop with a speeding radar gun, like they're just waiting to get someone. So I wasn't acting a fool or anything, but because I was in close proximity with all of this beer, everybody who was in our group that was under 21 got a minor consumption ticket and that was not a big deal. I just chalked that up to like well, yeah, I mean it was going to happen.
Speaker 1:I didn't think it would happen that soon and I was, you know, I was a little bit intoxicated, but I wasn't belligerent or anything, and I was able to hide that ticket from my parents Until I published my book. They had no idea I had that, yeah. So, um, I made sure I mean I had to go. I just had to pay it off, right, it was just a ticket, not a major arrest. And I do remember, you know, whenever it was happening I was like, oh my gosh, my parents are going to kill me, like they're going to bring me back home. I've been down here for a month. So at the beginning I still had that kind of guilt complex, you know, like I knew it was wrong, obviously, like better than this, and it wasn't in. At that point I wasn't like, oh, I have a problem. I was just more worried about my parents finding out. I mean, I moved heaven and earth to make sure this was like concealed, because I did not want, I did not want them to have a reason to worry.
Speaker 1:Um, unbeknownst to me, two months later, which puts us in October of 07, um, I was at a party, just a regular thing. It wasn't like a rave or anything crazy. But, uh, there were some like pills involved, like some Xanax and stuff and they were never and they still, will never, ever really be my thing. But, um, as I started hanging out with people and like seeing what college was all about whenever things were at the parties, you know I would be open to trying them Again, no reason other than like legit curiosity Anyways, and so you know, I went to the party and I guess and I don't remember this, this is why I'm not, you know, really I don't really like the Xanax thing, but I don't remember a lot of that night, but apparently and I do remember getting pulled over, but I don't remember a lot of that night, um, but apparently, uh, and I I do remember getting pulled over, but I had the pills with me, so I had some in my possession.
Speaker 1:I was speeding on my way home and a cop pulled me over and they were like visible when she shined her flashlight in there. So that was my first major arrest. It was still just a misdemeanor, because up until that point I hadn't had any, any encounters with the law other than that in my seat ticket, and so that one was a harder pill to swallow because, you know, for people who have been arrested, usually the first time is like a huge traumatic thing For me. It was the first of many, but I didn't know that at the time. So you know, they took me in.
Speaker 1:I ended up calling my mom, explained to her this is a one-time thing, like I just you know, whatever, and she was understanding. She's like Courtney, I know you're going to make mistakes, you know, just as long as that's what it is, you know, mistake is a mistake until you make it again and then you're making decisions. And so she bailed me out. That was fine, it didn't. It didn't really scare me that much, um, and I don't know why, other than I fully believed like that was a one time thing, you know, because still at this point it wasn't a problem, like this is my first arrest. So there's a pattern here Like I had my first ticket and then I had my first arrest. So all these first to me, as long as it was a first time thing in my head, it wasn't a problem.
Speaker 1:So December of that year I came home for a month, you know for Christmas. Uh, dorms closed, you know, whatever. And my mom said that she kind of like thought something was off with me and it wasn't as blatantly obvious as it would be in the future. But I do remember coming home and I was just very, um, kind of like hostile not like mean towards my mom, but I think it was just more of like oh, I've been on my own for five months and now I'm back at the house, like living with my parents or living with my mom for a month, and you know she made me go to church while I was at home. Um, I still, I still have friends in my hometown and like I'd want to go out and I was used to just coming and going as I pleased, you know, cause at college there's no one there to tell you you have a curfew. And so coming back home after being away for a few months was a little bit more difficult because I had rules I had to abide by. Again talked that up, so like I had my freedom and now for a whole month I'm stuck back at home. You know I was just kind of getting a little antsy not being able to do what I wanted to do.
Speaker 1:So I went back to school in spring, you know January, and finished out the year and again, grades never suffered, I still continued to party. No major encounters with the law. I started smoking weed a little bit more, and that again it was just because it was around, and then I came home, you know, after that semester, for the whole summer. I came home, you know, after that semester, for the whole summer and that is when things really kind of took off, because now I was at home for, you know, two and a half months and I in from this this summer, that summer, for the next two and a half years. I can't even give you an accurate timeline of all the different arrests that happened. I know about when they happened, but I can't give you specifics, like I just did my freshman year.
Speaker 1:So my freshman year, you know, my head was still pretty clear, like I knew I was messing up. I was kind of toeing the line of like, ah, you better kind of take a step back. But when I came home that summer after freshman year, I, uh, I still worked. I got a job at the pool, uh, next to my, my or close to my mom's house. I taught swim lessons. You know I still was a productive member of society. But you know my mom would be like, hey, you know, come home after work or, you know, go out see with your friends would be home by 10.
Speaker 1:And I was just not happy. I was like I'm not about. I was like I deserve a fun summer. Like I just completed two semesters of college. Like Like I just completed two semesters of college. Like you're not going to tell me I need a curfew, like I've earned my rights. You know what I want, even though clearly I was still, you know, financially dependent or all completely on her, my car, my everything. But in my head you know, now that I had that little taste of freedom, I mean there is no way you're going to tell me what to do. Like, like who are you to think? Propose that I have a curfew? But I do know that I met a guy. He actually was like selling acid and that was never really my thing either, but when I was around the right people and the opportunity presented itself, I just took full advantage. So, anyways, that's how we met was I was buying LSD from him, but we really clicked from him. But we really clicked, um, we, that whole summer. He was, I guess, maybe the motive, the reason I like broke curfew so much and I just told my mom to basically like go screw herself because I was an adult.
Speaker 1:Now, at this point, 19, I had, like the party guy boyfriend and I mean I just I was, I was just on cloud nine, I didn't really care. My mom had to say, like I was like what are you gonna do? Like I mean she could have done a lot, she didn't, though I think she was coming from a place of okay, look, courtney, you learn her lessons. That was before we knew how much of an addict I would become. But with my boyfriend at the time, I mean we would do all the things, we would go to the raves, we would all night like doing cocaine and stuff, and still, at this point I felt like it wasn't a problem. I wanted to do these things because we had a lot of fun together.
Speaker 1:He was a little bit older than me not much, but a little bit and definitely had way more experience. So he is kind of the one who I started to do the all the extra drug, or I started to do more drugs with, just because, like, that's how we bonded Right, I was already kind of sick in the head as far as like okay, like you know, at the time we had spent. You know, we were together all summer and we spent maybe like three or four days completely sober and that's only because we were like hungover or something. So, um, you know, with him and I my own person, I do not put any kind of you know blame for my decisions on anybody else. I am still a grown woman, or I wasn't really that grown at the time, but I'm still my own person. So all of the decisions I could have said no, he no, no one ever pressured me to do anything. I was just having so much fun, you know. And, um, we were like so and this is in my hometown and we were just really, I mean we really vibes, you know, drugs or not or whatever. So he actually ended up applying to Texas State and he went back down there with me sophomore, you know, first semester, sophomore year, and we just like kept partying. I mean we started when we met this summer in our hometown and we brought the party back to Texas State. He ended up pledging a fraternity and from then on and that's why I say the next two years is really a blur Um, I mean, I did all the things.
Speaker 1:I still went to class. I did end up getting let go from my um rec center job because I didn't want to consent to a drug test, um, but my grades never suffered. Um, I was, you know, I didn't have any major car accidents. Um, I did have a couple of run-ins with the law. Uh, I got like a possession of marijuana charge, um, public intoxication. They were all misdemeanors, no felonies, yet nothing with hard drugs, all just like weed and alcohol, which you know, still bad, but it still wasn't intense. The way that it gets later on and um, so we went through sophomore year.
Speaker 1:We both came back home summer after sophomore year and my mom was like, courtney, like you're not going to have, like we're not going to keep doing this. And she was like, you know, if you go back to school and you have any more issues, like I'm, I'm going to have to bring you home, like I'm not going to watch you just like go at a tailspin and you know, you know, get in even more trouble than you've already been in. I was like, oh, mom, it's fine, Like I still go to class. My grades I still had a 3.0. I was, school came easy for me, like I struggled in math because you were able to live off campus and it was contingent.
Speaker 1:You know, my mom and dad. My mom mainly paid for my apartment and she was like just keep your grades up, stay out of trouble. And I kept my grades up, but I wasn't able to stay out of trouble and so when the lease was up in May after my junior year, she made me come home. And when I tell you I at the time I had not hated anybody more because I knew me and my boyfriend went last long distance and he was staying down there. I was now about to leave school after going six semesters. You know I had two semesters left to graduate and my major was psychology and I was so pumped about it and I mean she was like Courtney, I'm not doing this. You know you've had three years to prove like you can handle your own and you can't. And at this time I was 21. So now I was actually able to legally drink and so you know she's like you know you can stay down there, but good luck, I'm not paying for tuition, I'm not going to bail you out anymore, I'm not paying for your apartment. And so and she knew I wasn't going to be able to manage all of that. So I had to come home and I was.
Speaker 1:I was so mad at her for like ending me and my boyfriend's relationship. I was so mad because of all that schooling that pretty much went to waste. And then later on I'm like, oh my gosh, she spent so much money on tuition, like I messed that up, like she really had to be worried about me for her to. You know that's thousands and thousands of dollars literally for nothing. So I came home and, um, I did not want to live with her. I was like I'm not doing this, like this is your fault. The world is ending. My life is over. Like, like you know, screw all this.
Speaker 1:So I moved in with my dad, you know, temporarily he was a little bit more laid back. Um, he, he wasn't, they just had very different parenting styles. He was still and you know he was like you're an adult Courtney, like you're gonna do what you want to do. I'm not gonna prevent that. You know I'll give you a roof over your head. Obviously, you know you can eat what's here and stuff, but you know you're an adult, so if something happens, like, you're going to be responsible.
Speaker 1:And I ended up getting a job at a, at a restaurant around close to his house and whenever I would get off work like every shift. I would just go to the bars. I wouldn't even go with people Like I would just go and, um, some people, like, whenever they're talking about their addiction, they would say, like, like I drank at you or like I was drugging at you, so like I was so pissed, like I was drinking like just to you know, piss you off, like I just I did not want to deal with you and I know that my drinking habits like make you sad and upset so I'm going to drink just to make you even more sad and In excess. It wasn't just a social thing. I would even go to the liquor store and get my vodka was my poison. And I would drink before work. I would try, I would drink usually at work because I worked at a restaurant and you know you could pretty much get away with anything at some restaurants back in the day, and then I would leave work and go get more drunk and that was just my routine.
Speaker 1:I mean I would be at work, you know, wasted or hung over, and eventually I would get fired and I would go to a different restaurant. You know I just kept job hopping and job hopping and you know, I always found people to drink with. If people weren't down to go out, if it was like a Tuesday at 8 PM, they're like no, I work in the morning Like I would still go like no one else was going to stop me. I don't care if I had partner or people to drink with, I didn't care if I didn't have like my vodka. I, if I could, I would find alcohol, I would get it, I would buy it and I would just drink into oblivion and I think a little bit of was depression. You know, like I really miss my boyfriend. I was also really angry at my parents, um, and I just, I mean I just didn't stop. I, you know I would go and go to the bars and, you know, meet people at the bars and like go back to their apartment and we'd do a bunch of like cocaine or you know whatever. I didn't care. I mean, at this point I was just done Like telling you my life was over.
Speaker 1:When you talk about dramatic and theatrical, like that was me for a long time and, um, it got to a point where I got a DWI. That was in like December of 2013, I believe, and that was a big one for me, because that was the first time that I got arrested, that mommy and daddy did not come bail me out. I spent I think it was like 34 days in jail and it was the beginning of December, right, so I missed Christmas. I missed New Year and it was the beginning of December, right? So I missed Christmas. I missed new year. I was in jail during the holiday, you know, and and that sucked Um. I had a lot of like reflection time. Obviously, I was clean, you know, while I was in jail and you know I was. I got back in contact with God while I was there. A lot of people, you know, especially if you have a religious background, jail is a time when you kind of reconnect with your higher power and I got out finally, after time served again, and my parents did come and visit.
Speaker 1:Okay, they didn't just like leave me high and dry, they just weren't going to bail me out. So they did come and visit, they did accept my phone calls and, of course, while I was in there I was like I'm never drinking again. Like you know, I can't believe this happened. I didn't hurt anybody, I was just not driving the way sober people drive and got pulled over. You know it wasn't. It could have been so much worse than it was again. To me it was just like the worst thing ever, um, but I got out and I think I stayed. I didn't drink for a couple of weeks, um, and then I was just back at it and there wasn't any reason why. I was just like man, like being sober just kind of sucks. You know, like I just been drinking for so long and you know I got out of jail and I still didn't have my boyfriend.
Speaker 2:Now I had, like you know, court fees and all these things I had to do and I was like man, it just sucks, and so yeah, so at this point you were going to do what you wanted to do, and the only people that from from your story like the only people that are trying to steer you in the right direction are your parents.
Speaker 2:And, like you, had you had no friends, you had no co-workers that are like, hey, courtney, you have a problem, and even like, even if you did, you were going to do what you wanted to do. And so, like hearing about this, you would almost think that being in jail for what? 34 days missing the holidays, like you would almost think that was your low point. But it wasn't. No, it gets. It gets worse.
Speaker 1:It does. Yeah, for normal people that would be the low point and that would be it. But I'm an addict, yeah. So I ended up going to rehab for a little bit, got kicked out of there because I actually was caught drinking with some people. There's like a gap across the street and we had smoke breaks and anyway. So rehab just did not do it for me. But I was getting a little bit tired of the same mundane thing. So, anyways, I did start going back to church. I was still drinking, not as much, but my dad would let me drink in the house because after rehab didn't work and I came out and I was drinking again.
Speaker 1:If I did not drink, if I wasn't in a medical environment, if I didn't drink, I would have withdrawal seizures. So there was times where I was like in a shower and I hadn I hadn't drank in like 12 hours and I fell and I hit my head. It wasn't like a huge thing, I just know I fell and my dad didn't even find me. I just know I fell because, like, I finally came to and I was like you know, I was just in the shower, the water just pouring on me, and I was like what the heck happened. And so, just like drawing a conclusion, I assume I had a seizure, because I had had some before. I had one in the car. I wasn't driving, but my dad saw it happen. Um, I had probably like about 10 withdrawal seizures.
Speaker 1:Every time I tried to stop drinking on my own, um, and and it just didn't work. They didn't want to pay for rehab again because I got caught drinking in rehab. So like, obviously I shot myself in the foot with that one. My dad would let me have a shot every hour. So that is, everyone has their opinion on that, but that is, that was the best he knew. That was the only way he knew how to help. You know he was like okay, I'm not, we're not going to spend thousands of dollars on rehab, I'm not going to watch you like have seizures all the time. You maybe hit your head or choke on your tongue. Like we've got to figure something out. So we had this thing where, like every hour he would let me have a shot. Well, he didn't have like a liquor cabinet or anything. My parents didn't drink. I mean, there is no history of addiction in my family at all and I want to say that's been on I don't know, six or seven months, but basically at the end, you know, whenever I kind of stop for good for a while is, um, I have just like a little come to Jesus. Meeting with my mom, she was like Courtney, we've got to do something like this is just not sustainable. And she's like I'm not going to bury a child.
Speaker 1:And there was this school called it's still there Uh, concord, it's like a career tech school, and so it was right next door to my church. Um, so I ended up going back to church when I came home. Sometimes I was drunk at church, but I still went, anyways, and it was a brand new campus. I had seen, you know, tv commercials, radio commercials for it, and they had a bunch of different programs. And it was next, like right next door to my church, like we shared a parking lot during construction. And my mom was like on Monday this is like a Sunday she's like tomorrow we are going to go in, we're going to see what programs there are and we're going to get you some kind of plan. She's like, cause, you are just, this is just not going to work, and I was a little bit more open-minded to it at the time.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, six, seven months is a really long time to just be waking up and doing the same thing. It wasn't really fun anymore because I wasn't able to hold down a job, so I didn't have any like fun money so I couldn't go out and drink the whole shot of vodka every hour. Wasn't fun, you know, I would get a little. I wouldn't even really get drunk, I wouldn't get tipsy or drunk off of it really, because it was just staving away the withdrawals. So I was like okay, so I was very open-minded to this. So we went in and we talked to the financial advisor and the academic dean and all of that. And there was a program I was interested in. It was like a neurodiagnostic program. So I went ahead and signed up for that and I remember and I was like hanging out with this guy, it was very casual, it was just like you know, there wasn't any like feelings there. Very casual, it was just like you know, there wasn't any like feelings there. Um, but I do remember before I started school I was like okay, like let me have like one last two raw or whatever. And so we went out and there was no legal recourse or anything. Um, we spent the night together, we had fun and I was like, okay, like now I got to really like, you know, get my, get my stuff together. So I started school.
Speaker 1:Um, I was drinking a little bit because now I had classmates, you know, so like, even though I didn't have a job, like I was able to kind of like schmooze a little bit and sometimes me and the classmates would go out after class and, you know, happy hour or something. Nothing major though, but enough to kind of be like okay, like I'm feeling a little bit normal, because when I wasn't drinking, at that point I was miserable drinking, but I was still miserable being sober. I mean, I just could not find a happy medium. So I was just like in limbo for a minute, but basically. So, six weeks into enrollment, being a student, I find out I'm pregnant. So it is like in my now it was the best thing that could have happened, but at the time I was like, oh my gosh, like could my life get any more worse? Because I did not love the father. It was not a one night stand, it was like a habitual hookup, but there was nothing there, it was just a time passer, you know. But now, but now that I was pregnant, I was able to stop drinking completely. Ok, so, you know, for a lot of people and so this is my story too Once I knew I had a human in me, even though it was, like you know, like a bastard child, cause dad was not going to be around.
Speaker 1:Um, I was able to focus on my studies, you know, I had the motivation because I was like, okay, courtney, like now you have a life inside of you that you need to be able to provide for. So I was able to 100% focus on school and I was able to stop drinking. And so those two factors I mean I I'm, I'm great at life whenever I have, like, the proper motivation. I don't have any substances in my body. Um, obviously, you know that when you're pregnant, it's usually a nine month duration, and so I actually only completed the first half of school, but it's still and this is a God thing too it worked out in my favor, because the first nine months of the program, um, you actually are, you learn about like sleep, like the brain and sleep, and like obstructive sleep, apnea and nocturnal epilepsy and restless legs all the disorders that you see whenever someone's sleeping, and they come in for a sleep study. So that was a prerequisite for the 18 month program.
Speaker 1:But the cool thing was some people really enjoyed the sleep studies and stuff and at the time I didn't really enjoy it. But I was like, okay, I can go and take my board exam, I will have a credential, like I'll have letters after my name and I can take a break from school so I can focus on, you know, being a mom. So I did not finish the original course that I wanted to take, but I still was able to finish the nine months. I had my daughter two weeks before graduation. So, like I have a really cute picture of like me and my hat and like holding my newborn, and so I was like, okay, so I'm going to take a break from school because I need to try to do the breastfeeding thing, the single mom thing. And so I thought I was good, you know, once I had her and she was like out of my body, I was just like, oh, like life is perfect, you know. And so I went ahead and just graduated within nine months under my belt, I took my board exam, I got my credential, I was making decent money and I don't even know.
Speaker 1:You know you can't really relapse unless you're in recovery. I wasn't actively working a recovery program, like I just stopped drinking and drugging because I was you know, I was pregnant. So I don't consider this a relapse because I wasn't trying to be clean and sober for me, I just, you know, didn't want to endanger my child which is ironic because of how things turn out but anyways, so I wasn't. So this wasn't a relapse. I just decided that I deserve to start drinking again. In my head I justified it like wow, I was able to stop the whole nine months.
Speaker 1:I finished school, I got my credential, you know, like I don't have a problem, like that was just a phase, I was just young and in college. But now, like I finished school, I have my daughter, no-transcript of whatever or a tiny pill of whatever. I mean that's just it for me. Like I'm just done, I can't, I want to stop. Or I mean I did want to stop, I didn't want to do what I was doing, but I just couldn't.
Speaker 1:And you know people who don't suffer from addiction like they just don't get it, like just just don't do it, just don't. I just can't not. Like there's no reason, there's no rationale other than my brain is just wired differently. You know, I had a beautiful, healthy baby, nothing wrong, 10 fingers, 10 toes, all of her developmental my, you know, I did not have a reason. There was no reason, there just wasn't. I just once I start, I cannot stop, and that's just what it is for me. Um, it's not everyone's story, but that's what it was for me.
Speaker 1:And now I was so full of like shame and I knew it was wrong. I couldn't stop, um, but I was taking advantage of the fact that, you know, I was living with my mom, I didn't really have rent, I was working. I did get a job after I graduated, working nights, and I was able to sustain that for a little bit. But I would start, you know, I would drink, and then I'd start kind of like nodding off at work. And so, you know, I was, I was still riding this wave and I was like, well, the only way for me to stay up and not pass out drunk is to like start doing cocaine again, like I had done it before. I knew that it would keep me awake. And so, instead of rectifying my drinking situation by stopping, I just added another substance to kind of counteract the effect, the effects of whenever I was drunk.
Speaker 1:I did meet a guy in the midst of all this and he was really great. We actually had our first date when he had his one year sober in AA. So he, he knows the struggles of addiction and he also knew that I was in the depths of mine but, like I guess, he just fell like head over heels and just didn't care that I was still in my addiction and I think he thought that he was strong enough to maintain his sobriety even though I I was my thing, dated for a year or so, ended up getting married and we got married in August of 2017. And it was not long before he relapsed and he was starting to drink and drug. But the crazy thing is we never did it together. We pretty much just like both did our partying thing and then we would, you know, be at home simultaneously and like all hell would break loose. And it was about September.
Speaker 1:So a month into our marriage, I graduated from cocaine to meth and the only reason for that was my Coke dealer was out of Coke. I didn't know anybody else. He didn't know when he was going to get more. It was literally like it was either do this or risk passing out in the car or at work, you know. And so, when those are your only options, my little addict brain decides well, you know, you don't have a choice, courtney, like you're just going to have to do the math. And so I did.
Speaker 1:And when I tell you once I did that, when I tell you once I did that nothing else mattered not the alcohol, not my son, not my daughter I mean that I thought alcohol had a hold on me, which it did for a very long time, but once I put the other substance into my body, it was just game over. I mean, I had energy, I was able to stay awake, I got so much stuff done. I thought I was being super productive, but you know, being busy doesn't mean you're productive, it just means you're busy. And yeah, and you know, I went on doing this for about three months. Um, so just well, a longer than that, but up for the next little mile marker of my story um, december, december 11th of 2017.
Speaker 1:Um, I've been up for a few days and I was off work that morning, or I got home from work that morning, I was going to take my daughter to the park. And that is when, like, this woman came up my driveway and she we had like the garage door in the back. The garage door was up and she was like walking up as I was loading the car and she told me that she was a CPS worker. Like, walking up as I was loading the car and she told me that she was a CPS worker and she said that I'd recently got a report that there was like child abuse or neglect in the household, which was news to me because, she'd know, we never laid a hand on her and I always thought, I thought I was a very present mom. You know she had a. She had her bed and clothes and food and all the things. She was never lacking.
Speaker 1:You know, me and my husband had enough of an income to where it's not like we blew all of our money on drugs and my drug of choice at the time, you know, before inflation, and everything was fairly cheap. I mean I could make a lot last for a little price tag, anyways. So I was like I mean I was, I was high already, you know, but I was just so like in shock. I was like what even is happening? It was so surreal. It was something that you hear about or you see in movies. But like my cute little girl, she's got like a bow in her hair, she's looking all like. You know, we're not like the family living under a bridge, you know, like not the typical like oh yeah, that girl is definitely on drugs. I mean, it was obvious I was on drugs just because of my demeanor. But you wouldn't be able to tell by looking at us. You know, we had good clothes, I had a good car. There was nothing indicative of like oh yeah, this is a child that's living in a drug abusing home, you know.
Speaker 1:But at the time I didn't know what my rights were. Like I don't, I don't know what kind of authority or jurisdiction CP has, but she, she told me that I could not leave the premises with my child unless I consented to an oral swab drug test. And she had a little drug test kit out and she was ready to swab my mouth. And I was like you're not doing that, like you're on my property, like I'm not opening my mouth, like you know. And of course I was, you know, high and everything. And she's like, well, you know, I'll have to call the authorities if you want to leave with your daughter. I'm thinking like call them, like for what? Like nothing is wrong. I'm trying to take her to the park, you know, but I did have, I did have drugs on me, I did have my paraphernalia, so the last thing I wanted was the cops to come. And so she was like, well, you can call someone, you know, call your mom or husband or whatever, but like I'm not letting you leave here with your kid.
Speaker 1:So at this point I guess it's kind of hitting me like my did. Um, and so, you know, I called my husband, I called my mom, I told them that the CPS lady is here and she's trying to tell me I can't take my kid to the park. So my mom comes over, because we didn't, me and my husband got married, we didn't move that far away, we're all still within like a five mile radius of one another. And she came, my mom came, and she like talked to the cps lady and um, she's like, okay, so like what are the steps? Like you know, I know my daughter has a problem, but like, are there charges being brought against her? Like what is this process gonna look like? And um, the lady was like well, you know she's to have to come in for a urine analysis test. Like she's not allowed to see her daughter until you know we see what's in her system.
Speaker 1:My mom knew I was on drugs. You know, this wasn't, this wasn't hidden information from anybody. And the lady was like so you can take your granddaughter, you know, go upstairs, pack her some clothes or whatever. And I remember hearing that because I was just kind of like watching. I was like, oh, my daughter has clothes at my, at my mom's house. You know she spends the night over there occasionally. And the lady looked at me and she's like it's going to be more than just a couple of nights that your daughter's going to be over there. And I was just like I mean that sent me into. I mean I was just like who even are you? Like you have no idea, like what you're saying. Like you know I couldn't register in my head that this was going to be a big problem.
Speaker 1:You know, I thought, okay, fine, I'll have to get clean for a couple days. Go pee in a cup, you'll see I'm fine and I'll take my kid home. We'll be home by Christmas, you know. But that was. That was not the case. Um, the CPS lady gave my mom paperwork and phone numbers to call and all the things.
Speaker 1:And, uh, cps lady finally left and before I did, and, um, I was like, okay, mom, you can go, like go ahead and get Brayley back. And my mom was like no, courtney, like this is serious, like you have got to stop, like this is this is like the end of it, like you're going to die or you know, like there, it doesn't get much worse than this, like I'm not letting you see Brayley until you get clean, you know. And I was like, oh, mom, how could you like here you go ruining my life again, right, so every time my life is ruined, it's always someone else's fault, which is normal, I think, to project that on anybody but yourself, or for me it was obviously um, anyways. And so as soon as my mom took Brayley, I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna come over and see her later. And I was like no, you're not Courtney, like you know, it's not even just like me wanting to protect you, because or it's not even, it's not even about me, like you know, like, oh, you know this is, this is a really bad thing. She's like now I have to protect your daughter, right, like this is no longer you screwing up your life, but but you brought another one onto this planet and now it's affecting hers. It was before not major, but obviously I wasn't mentally present and so she's like you're no longer my priority, but Brayley is, because she didn't do, she didn't ask to be here. You know this is directly affecting her now. So whatever you need to do, you let me know how I can help you. But right now I'm going to be the caretaker for your daughter and I just went off. I mean, my mom sucked her guns. She would not let me see Braley unless she knew I had. I wasn't hired drunk. Um, that night I did go get like completely obliterated.
Speaker 1:Um, christmas Eve came, so this is almost two weeks later and I had been trying to like cut down. You know, um, amphetamine, methamphetamine, withdrawal, isn't like opiates, it's not like a very painful experience and it's, you know, it's, it's more psych, it's more mental than physical, um, but I just I could not do it. I mean I tried to cut back. I even like told my dealer I was like don't sell to me Like I've got to get my kid back, don't sell to me Like I've got to get my kid back. And he was like Courtney, if you're going to use, like I'm going to get your money, like I'm not your friend here, like you, I have the product that you use. If you don't want to use it anymore, like don't call me. I was like, oh, you know that's impossible. And he was like, well, like I'm sorry, but like you're a customer, this is business. I was mad at like ah, but anyways, it didn't matter. I continued calling him, I continued getting my stuff.
Speaker 1:I did see Brayley every now and then. My mom wouldn't make me take a breathalyzer and she could just tell whenever I was like super high and stuff. And I think there was times where I was able to see her. Like my mom kind of felt bad for me, but it was like 10 minute intervals. I was never left alone with her, it was always supervised. Just the CPS kind of put the ball in my mom's court as far as, like you know, uh, my mom became, like um, the primary caregiver. It was like a kinsmanship placement.
Speaker 1:Braylee never got put in a system, it was all my mom taking over and you know she passed. She had to do all these, um, you know, uh, pass all these like requirements and she had to get out like baby proof and get, like you know, make sure all the chemicals are locked up, make sure you have the fire extinguisher, like all these like foster care guidelines that my mom went through and I found a new guy and he, um, he had everything. He had meth, coke, whatever, and I I didn't care about anything else but smoking meth was just not doing it for me anymore. Like I just could not get high enough because at this point it was like January. So we're like six weeks into, like after CPS got involved, um, and I was, I was smoking all the time and I just could not get high enough.
Speaker 1:And my deal, the new dealer that I had uh, use needles and you know he, he was shooting up like in front of me, like hey, like I want to do that, and he was like, oh heck, no, like I'm not, I'm not going to shoot you up for the first time, like he's a drug dealer, right, but he's got these morals of like I'm not going to do it, I'm just like, okay, well, and I kind of pulled the same card as my old dealer. I was like, well, if you I'm going to figure it out, I'll do it my own self. And so, for whatever reason I use my or however I did it my powers of persuasion, I convinced him to like shoot me up for the first time. And it wasn't, it was, yeah, I just I was so desperate I could not stop and I could not get high. Like I had no other. I had no other choice but to use a needle because nothing else was working. And uh, anyways. And then same thing Once I started using the needle, I would not go back to smoking it.
Speaker 1:That was pointless, that was for the peasants Like there is no point in smoking whenever you can just like mainline that. So here I am doing a drug I swore I'd never do officially graduating to injecting it like junkie status. I was like I'm six feet tall and I was. I think the least amount I weighed was 117 pounds. I mean I looked sick.
Speaker 1:I was able to go to work because I was still functioning somewhat, but in February, so a month later, I ended up getting pulled over and getting arrested. So just real quick. So from September to December I've just been doing meth. So my addiction to this substance was not even a year long thing Like it dragged me down that quick. So from September to December I was like having fun with it, and then December Braley got taken. From December to January I was still smoking it, and then from January to the end of February I was shooting it.
Speaker 1:So very, very small timeframes of this sequence and everything was taken from me. I mean, for some people it takes years and years for them to lose everything I lost. But I lost my job a couple, about a week or two before I got pulled over. I just basically was out of dope and I fell asleep and day shift came in and saw me sleeping. So, um, so at this point in February I lost my daughter, I lost my job. Me and my husband were just like completely estranged. I mean, um, he came. He came after my mom came when CPS got called and he was just like what the heck? Like what even are we going to do? And I was like I don't know, I can't worry about you right now, like I've got to figure this out and so anyway. So essentially, you know, I lost my marriage, lost my job, lost my kid and now I was getting arrested.
Speaker 1:And now this felony arrest it was possession of a controlled substance, I had paraphernalia, all the things. Um, got arrested, called mom. Uh, she was like no Courtney. Like I told you, this is it. Plus, I've got your daughter I've got to take care of Called my husband because I had no one else to call, and he actually came and bailed me out. I think he like called his parents or my mom or something and got the funds to bail me out and he came and picked me up.
Speaker 1:I was only in jail for one night, so I don't know if it was like God moving my husband to come and get me, but he came and got me and so he called my mom. He was like hey, is it okay if we stop by? We're on our way to rehab, but she, she will not go unless she gets to see Braylee. And my mom didn't know the state I was in, so she didn't really know I was as wasted as I was. So I get there, she sees the state I'm in and she's like, oh, absolutely not. Like you are not seeing your daughter like this, and I'm not a violent person and I've never had any charges as far as that goes up until now.
Speaker 1:Because I guess I scared my mom so much that she went ahead and called the cops and I got a misdemeanor charge of like domestic violence because apparently I like pushed my mom out of the way and my mom was a tiny little I was tiny too, I was like a skeleton, but she's short and tiny, I guess. I pushed her out of the way and she said that, you know, she hit her head on the wall, she didn't fall or anything, but I used enough force to move her out of the doorway so I could get to my daughter, and my mom was like scared, you know, because I didn't know what I was doing. I know what I was doing. I mean, I wasn't in my right mind. I would never do that, of course, if I wasn't drunk, but anyways, she called the cops the same arresting officer that arrested me the day before house and she's like you must really love jail. I don't, you know at this point, and I don't remember this either, but I'm the the alcohol starting to wear off and I remember, you know, mouthing off to her like, ah, like screw you, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 1:And anyways, I dried out in jail and the next day my husband comes back Again. I have no clue. He really, really loves me, I guess, but he bailed me out. So this is two arrests in 24 hours or in 48 hours, a felony and two misdemeanors. He is there when I walk out of the jail and he drives me straight to Valley Hope. I mean, there is no stopping for gas, there's no stopping for cigarettes, like we are going straight there and I get there and, uh, and this time I'm really ready.
Speaker 1:You know, I was like, when you get arrested by the same cop you know in like less than 48 hours, and your mom is the one who called the cops on you, like this is a problem. So, um, you know, I was frustrated that he wouldn't stop and like, let me get a drink, because going to rehab sober sucks, like it just does. But I understood, obviously, and so that was march. So, yeah, so march 3rd 2018 is my actual sobriety date. Um, march 7th was my last drink. March 1st was my last like drug use, but I consider my sobriety day like the first day I got clean, like I didn't put a single substance in my body.
Speaker 1:Um, and you know the the rehab I went to, all of them had different rules and policies and procedures and stuff, but I was able to get visits. You know, after being a week in detox. It was a 30 day treatment which to this day, I don't think was long enough. I even mentioned it in the few podcasts I've done. I was not ready to leave rehab. Um, knowing what I know now, I feel like that's not enough time for, like, your brain to heal, for you to really learn the coping mechanisms. Insurance is a tricky thing. I know a lot of them only cover 28 days or 30 days and that's why that's kind of the standard. But if I did not have my daughter at stake, like if I wasn't trying to get clean for her, there's no way I would have stayed clean. I mean, I I was still. It was hard the first, like six months after leaving rehab, because, yeah, it just for me and for a lot of people, I know it's just not enough time, but nonetheless I was there for 30 days.
Speaker 1:My husband came to visit me. He was obliterated when he came to visit. I was jealous because I couldn't be, you know, and he had lied to me saying that he wasn't wasted. I could smell it on his breath and I was like you know, if you don't get clean, we have to be done. I was like, I know, this is rich, coming from me, like I've been clean for two weeks and I'm threatening our marriage. But you know, I'm really trying this time, like I really really am. I've got pending charges, I've got my CPS case. We can't do this. And he ended up not getting clean and so that's kind of where our story ends. You know he did everything he could to help me but he wasn't helping himself. And you know we get divorced a little bit later and I never see him again. My current husband like help me with the divorce paperwork of, like you know, don't know where the spouse is. It's been a strain. I haven't seen or heard from him, blah, blah, blah. So that's kind of where that part of my story is, like my husband couldn't get clean.
Speaker 1:So back at rehab, my mom brings my daughter to come see me. We tell her that mommy is just really sick. You know, I'm just trying to get better. It's a very, it's a very comfy rehab. You know it's not like Malibu or anything like that, but it's decent. You know it wasn't like a hospital setting. It wasn't like dark, eerie, like psych ward type walls and you know a lot of parents had their kids come and, you know, play like ping pong and pool and you know it was a very casual type thing. So, anyways, I completed 30 days. My mom is still bringing my daughter to see me as much as she can, as far as visitation allows and per CPS guidelines.
Speaker 1:Even though I was, you know, going to rehab and stuff, I still had a lot of things I had to do. I had to go to parenting classes. I had to get my my legal stuff taken care of. You know they weren't just going to give me my daughter back because I got 30 days of rehab, you know. And so, um, I work on after I get out of rehab. I work on finding a job. I did find one.
Speaker 1:Um, I start going back to church, um, um, and because I want to, not because my mom makes me and my mom would still bring braylee to church too. So she has been grown up in church the same way I was. That never stopped, that never will stop. You know, she's nine now and she does not like waking up, but she's going like I don't care. I'm just like my mother in that aspect now, because if she, she makes any of the mistakes I did, you know, I want her to have her roots to fall back on, just like I did. I want her to be able to see that, like I was able, you know, god was able to get me out of my dark era. So, come hell or high water, that girl is going to church, you know.
Speaker 1:So, anyways, it takes a long time for me to get my legal stuff taken care of, for me to get all the CPS requirements jump through all of their hoops. It takes a lot longer than I wanted. I had heard people losing custody, getting sober and getting their kid back like within a year. You know there's there's no like every case is different, there's no exact timeline for anything, but it took me a while. I had been prescribed some medicine for like anxiety and my psychiatrist prescribed all these things in CPS, even though it was under, you know, my, my doctor's supervision. Like they, they wanted me clean of everything and so, um, I, I brought doctor's notes. I passed the drug test. Well, the drug tests, the stuff that would test positive for things like my anti-anxieties and everything, the levels were like too high or something. They weren't going down and I was like I'm taking my prescribed dose. But it turned into a whole thing. It was a drawn-out process for my um, my doctor, to like show them why I'm on this medicine, why the exact dose was prescribed to me, and it turned into a big thing. But we got through that.
Speaker 1:My daughter stayed living with my mom for a while. I had to go and find my own place. I after after rehab, I wasn't able to just like go back and move in with her and so, um, being my husband in AA, um, I was going to a religiously after after rehab and I ended up just like renting a house. Um, my credit was pretty shot. Well, no, it wasn't shot. I shouldn't have any. Um, I didn't have enough employment history to get my own apartment. I didn't really have enough money for my own apartment, um, but basically I was able to suddenly sublet a room for like 600 bucks a month and it was really close to my mom's house. I was like living in a house with like a bunch of strangers. It was kind of weird, except for my husband Now, the one that uh introduced me to the landlord.
Speaker 1:But I basically, um, to wrap that part up, it took me, um, it took me about four, no, three and a half years before um I was, I got custody back. Um, my mom wants me and my husband started dating. We moved out of the house that we were both subletting a room out of and we got our own little duplex, um, and we were renting it. We didn't buy a duplex, but um I was, you know, we, he really helped me.
Speaker 1:Um stay out of my head whenever I wasn't able to get my daughter back, whenever I wanted. You know, like he, he knew all of the story. He, there's nothing he doesn't know. Um, he, um, god sent him in just the right time because whenever I started living in that room at that house, I was in a dark place because, you know, the CPS was just adding one thing after another. Um, my, I eventually got my record expunged. Um, I had to me and my mom, both I had to pay for some lawyer fees, but anyways, but, joey, he's my husband now.
Speaker 1:Um, he's the one who got me the room we started dating and if it wasn't for him, like being by my side, if it wasn't for God putting him in my life, um, I don't know that I would have got through it. I like to believe that I would have. But you know, I can't see or talk to God like face to face and I was really mad at God. So, joey, kind of like let me vent to him about God, like I mean, I told God I was mad at him. I was like you suck, like what are you doing? Like I'm doing everything right, like you need to like help me, like I need to tell you how to do your job because you're not doing it very good. And I think that's when he used Joey to to kind of you know cause I wasn't interested in Joey at all.
Speaker 1:Our, our love story is kind of funny. Yeah, I, I was not interested in him at all, I only wanted my kid back. But Joey, or you know God, sent him exactly when I needed him and, um, you know, like I said, we were able to move out of the little house that we were living in. We got our own duplex. Things were still moving slow with CPS, but my mom saw that I was trying, I had a job. She let Braylee come over to our house.
Speaker 1:Joey, like really had to prove himself to my parents to show, you know, because I met him in AA, so obviously he has a history of addiction too. Anyways, he works so hard to prove himself to my parents and you know, braylee liked him. She doesn't really, she doesn't know much about her, her like biological father. I can keep it that way until she gets older, but nonetheless he worked hard to prove himself. I was able to like, have somebody to like lean on, because my relationship with God was really suffering. And then, you know, a year goes by, we get engaged. Another year goes by, we get married, which is last year, Um, and during this time so we moved three times. We moved from the room to the duplex and the duplex to a bigger house and now we're in a bigger house, um, and all. All through this evolution you know I'm getting my record expunged. Braylee is coming over more and more. We have custody back, um, even before we got married. Once my mom kind of knew that he was serious, like when he put a ring on my finger and you know we were stable and we both have almost the same amount of clean time. I'm like six months longer than him but, um, once we kind of proved ourselves.
Speaker 1:I was able to hold down a job, like even during COVID, when the world was shutting down, I was still able to find like little gigs, you know, to keep my income flowing and yeah. So basically the way the CPS team works, since my mom was officially a foster care person, the kinsmanship placement, they left everything up to her. She pretty much was able to determine when I got to see my daughter, how long, where, at blah, blah, blah and um, it got to the point wherever she was like, yeah, like you can have her back, you know, um. So now I work nights. So you know I still so now she lives with us, um, I work nights and so sometimes she'll go to my mom's, like, if you know, if she's been over there, she goes over there on Saturday night. I mean, my husband had date night and so, um, we have our time and she still goes to my mom's um on date night. And then there was the occasional time whenever she has a special thing for school, that my mom will help out with my husband's working or something Um, but yeah, so basically, and she's nine now, so I officially kind of got her back when she was almost seven and I lost her right after she turned three.
Speaker 1:So it's safe to say four whole years that I have like proved myself that, um, without with being clean, but without having custody back, and you know, looking back on it and how, um my relationship with God has evolved Like and I I tell this a lot of sponsors, I'm still in the program and stuff so I like help other people in their recovery. If I had got my daughter back when I thought that I needed her back, there is a like 99.9 chance I probably would have relapsed, um, because I needed to be, I needed to work for, to work for it and like build my foundation before I got her back. You know, like God knows what he's doing.
Speaker 2:At what point was that low point, like your lowest, and did you ever experience like despair, like just a sense of hopelessness?
Speaker 1:Yeah, definitely. So the lowest point, um would I would say, when CPS got involved, um, I feel like the despair and like the absolute hopelessness was the first time I used a needle, you know, because in my head that is when, like I could not get high enough just by smoking it. I had reached like the bottom of the barrel, you know, and I also swore I would never do that, I would never use needle. And so it got to a point where I was like I am that desperate, like this is what it has come to, like I was hoping I would shoot up and my heart would just explode, like I didn't want to kill myself, but I did not want to live this way, and that feeling is the worst, yeah, most despaired feeling I think that you could experience.
Speaker 2:When March 3rd 2018 hit, describe like the complete drastic turnaround Cause. That's essentially, that's's. That's your sober date, that's your Friday date, so like you had hit years of low and you just keep digging yourself a hole and it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. And then something switches and I don't know if it was just like your inner drive for your daughter just to get her back. What was? What was that? What was the divine aspect of that day?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean the motive was definitely getting her back. Um, I think God, I think I was, I was finally ready to surrender. You know the motive was getting Brayley back. But I also, you know, when they were checking me in and rehab, I was just looking at myself, like I just looked so hollow, like circles under my eyes. You can see my jawline, I mean my bone. I was just disgusting looking.
Speaker 1:And when they checked me into rehab, like I said, that was the first time, I went in with more of an open mind and you know, I I think that God had a hand in it. Um, cause I'd seen myself in a mirror before, but this time my daughter was at stake. I, I was jobless, I mean, I just lost everything. And so, you know, the only the main energy that changed that time or on that day was just like it's going to be this or it's going to be death, like if I don't get the hang of this now, I'm just not going to be alive for my daughter, you know. So that ultimately I'm just or yeah, that that just kind of sunk in was like, if I can't get it right now, like I'm not going to, I will either kill myself with the drugs or the lifestyle.
Speaker 2:So you surrender to God on, you know, March 3rd and everything is all better. It just like switch.
Speaker 1:No, no, no. I said the whole me not getting Braylee back when I wanted her back. That was huge. Um, I, you know, I said the whole me not getting Braylee back when I wanted her back. That was huge. I, you know, I did the 12 steps. I do AA and NA and going back to church helped a lot but no, it was not instantly better. It sucked for the first little bit but it sucked worse putting a needle in my arm Right, so like it was kind of the lesser of not two evils. I would never say being sober is evil. But you know what my choices were. You know figuring it out, thugging it out. You know going to God in prayer. I talk to him all the time. I still talk to him all the time. I'll be driving to the grocery store and I'll just like send up a prayer request or like gratitude or whatever. Figuring out how to live life without drugs was better than you know going to an early grave and leaving my daughter motherless.
Speaker 2:And this might be a little difficult to pinpoint because your daughter was pretty young when you started I guess, yeah, you're essentially like your recovery journey, but even before that, like she probably didn't understand all that was going on. Um, how has your recovery journey impacted your daughter?
Speaker 1:So, yeah, um, you know, when she was younger, you know whenever she's actually she's seen me get arrested before I was like you know, we told her adults have time out too.
Speaker 1:You know when, when kids don't break, when kids break the rules, y'all have to go to timeout. When adults break the law, like they have to go to jail. You know, I mean we fluffed it up a bit and I was sick, not a bad person trying to get good, but sick person trying to get better. Um, but now you know, and she's not, she's almost 10. So she's not quite old enough to know the details. But you know, um, whenever she says, why do I have to go to church on Sunday, like can I just sleep in? I'm like Braylee, like you don't understand, like God really saved me and if it wasn't for your grandmother taking me to church, you know, every Sunday, I don't know that that would have been possible. And I tell her I was like you'll understand when you're older I was like, but I bring you to church because essentially that saved my life. And and I was like, if you don't listen or pay attention, like whatever, but we're, you know, this is what I said at the beginning we are going to church every Sunday, like we just are, and you know there'll be, there'll be times where she'll act a little bit out of character. You know she's nine and you know, nine year olds, like, ah, I'll call her out on stuff and like I'll hear myself and I'm just like man I used to be just like that, and so whenever I parent her, it's more of it's not like, oh, braylee, like, don't do this, like that's bad behavior. I try and like explain it to her.
Speaker 1:You know, um, like you know, for instance, you know if she gets bullied or something and you know she, she's like, oh, yeah, like I hate him because you know he was calling me names or calling my friend name, and you know I try and, and so I use that as an opportunity. Like you know that wasn't very nice, but maybe there's something going on at home with him. You know, like maybe he doesn't have a good, healthy outlet. Maybe, you know, maybe his parents are arguing, or you know, I try and change the perspective. You know what I mean, because when she gets older and you know, depending on who her friends are and stuff, um, and once she knows exactly the details of my story, if she ever encounters, you know someone I don't know how to word this exactly, but basically the parenting situations that arise. I use that as a teaching opportunity to help her understand a different perspective, because I want people to understand the different, the other perspective, like the disease of addiction.
Speaker 2:Well, and the hardest I think the hardest thing as a parent, right, it's like, yeah, we plant seeds, but we don't always see that seed, you know, take root or produce fruit, and it's like we want the fruit, we want to see the fruit. So bad, but ultimately that's, that's not our job, that is, that is solely up to God. Like God is the one who produces the fruit and you might not see it ever, and that's, you know, raising your kid for years and years and years and then into decades. It's like you might not see it, but we're called the plant seeds. It's just really difficult. I I wrestle with that concept all the time. So, courtney, this was really really fun. I'm very, very thankful for your openness, your willingness, like I mean, there's a lot there. If people want to connect with you or get access to your book or learn more, where is, like, the best place they could get that resource or connect with you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so the book is on Amazon. You just type in the one brought back by Courtney Proper and there's the paperback, which is like 1095, and then the Kindle version, which is only 99 cents, and in the book it has my email address, but I'll also voice it. It's just Courtney at recoveredonpurposeorg, and it's always open. I've got the Google thing on my phone, it notifies me. So, yeah, if anyone needs to buy the book and they're struggling to find it, obviously email me. Or if anyone's just struggling, like with life, email me. I'll do what I can do. I can point you in resources, I can pray with you, whatever you need. You know, if my struggle can just help one person, it'll all be worth it, because that's kind of you know. What got me through it too, is knowing that someone else went through the same thing and came back on the other side.
Speaker 2:So thank you.
Speaker 1:You're welcome.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for tuning in to the Walk Family podcast today. If you haven't realized already, Laura and I are switching the format of our show. If you haven't realized already, Laura and I are switching the format of our show. The primary difference is that we have changed our releases to fit more of a serial format, which means we will be sending out episodes throughout each week for a season. Then, once the next season begins, another series will come out. Each series will contain around 10 to 12 episodes give or take.
Speaker 2:For the winter season of 2025, Seasons of Despair is our series. We still release an episode on Tuesdays, but you may see another episode pop up later in the same week as well. Also, be sure to hit the little bell to subscribe. It gives you each episode instantly once it's published. You can always connect with us at our website, thewalkfmcom, and, if you are really interested, a link in the show notes below allows you to sign up for our monthly newsletter. Our letter contains updates on the Smith family to stay connected with us, while also providing tips, tricks and challenges we are experiencing. If you sign up, you also get a free sneak peek to the first chapter of Prayer and Promises, which is a book that I'm writing and will hopefully be publishing this year. Thanks again and be blessed.
