Sacred Partnerships: How Wedding Planners and Church Coordinators Can Work Together

The relationship between wedding planners and church coordinators has long been marked by tension, misunderstandings, and at times, outright conflict. But what if there’s a better way forward?

In this episode, Emma Cockerham, Certified Educator and Master Certified Wedding Planner, joins Krisy Thomas, COO of The CWP Society, for a candid conversation on transforming these often-strained relationships into true partnerships.

Emma shares her personal journey through church wedding burnout in 2019, when a series of difficult experiences left her both professionally and spiritually discouraged. Instead of walking away, she leaned into education and a new approach, proving that change is possible. Together, Krisy and Emma unpack the persistent myths that fuel conflict: the idea that planners are inherently disrespectful, that church coordinators dismiss the bigger picture, and that media teams are encouraged to ignore rules.

Through real-life stories and practical strategies, Emma highlights how humility, communication, and respect can reshape even the toughest dynamics. From navigating media restrictions to clarifying a planner’s role within the ceremony, she offers actionable ways to foster collaboration. A particularly compelling story involves her persistence in building trust with a Catholic church coordinator, a relationship once fraught with conflict that became one of genuine respect.

Emma discusses the importance of research and entering every church setting with reverence, regardless of personal religious background.

Whether you’ve experienced church wedding challenges firsthand or want to avoid them altogether, this conversation gives you a framework for becoming a true peacemaker. As Emma reminds us, wedding planning is about bringing diverse vendors together to create something beautiful,  and that begins with mutual respect.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

You're listening to the Wedding Planner Society podcast, brought to you by the CWP Society. Welcome back to the Wedding Planner Society podcast, the podcast created by the CWP Society for wedding planners at every stage of their journey. Whether you're just starting out, growing your business or leading with years of experience, this space is designed to give you insights, inspiration and a strong sense of community. For today's episode, we're digging into the sometimes tricky, often misunderstood relationship between wedding planners and church coordinators. And who better to lead this conversation than Emma Cochran? Emma is a seasoned planner with over a decade of experience and a heart for building stronger and more respectful vendor relationships. If you've ever walked into a church wedding and felt tension, resistance or confusion about your role, you are not alone. But this episode isn't just about us venting. It's about bridging the gap, debunking myths and sharing real, actual strategies to improve these relationships for good.

Speaker 1 1:11

Welcome back to the Wedding Planner Profiles, the podcast for wedding planners and the professionals who support them. Today's episode is one that's been a long time coming. We're digging into the sometimes tricky, often misunderstood relationships between wedding planners and church coordinators. And who better to lead this conversation than Emma Cockerham, a master, certified wedding planner and certified educator with more than a decade of experience and a heart for building stronger, more respectful vendor relationships.

Speaker 1 1:38

If you've ever walked into a church wedding and felt tension, resistance or confusion about your role, you are not alone. But this episode is not just about us venting. It's about us bridging the gap, debunking myths and sharing real, actionable strategies to improve these relationships for good. Emma, welcome back. As always, you are one of my favorite educators to have on the podcast and, as far as A, you're A, so easy and fun to talk to, but B, this is something that is truly a passion for you, and I feel like that comes through every single episode that you're a part of. And I would like to ask you you know what inspired you to start digging into the tension or the disconnect that sometimes exists between wedding planning teams and church teams?

Speaker 2 2:20

Yeah, thanks, chrissy. So I've been planning events for about 14, 15 years at this point, and 10 of those years have been solely focused on weddings and working with all kinds of people and vendors. It's just a huge part of the gig and, as a planner, we have to figure out how to stroke egos, be a chameleon to other people's communication styles and personalities, and it's how we get the very best from each of the vendors for the sake of our clients and their dreams. It's a really big part of the job and it's what separates good planners from great ones.

Speaker 2 2:48

That being said, if there were to be one category that is a continued struggle, it's church weddings, which I feel like is kind of weird, but for me it really was in 2019. For whatever reason, I had like eight to ten church weddings just back to back to back, and by the end of the year I was fried. I was super discouraged. I mean, I go to church regularly and these experiences were burning me out, both professionally and religiously. I didn't even want to be associated with churches at all anymore, but when I stopped to evaluate the way I was feeling, I just knew there was something that could be done, and I think a huge part of it comes down to education. Sure, education for church coordinators on efficiencies, how ultimately will make their job easier and more enjoyable, but really education for planners about how to overcome these challenges and really begin raising the bar.

Speaker 1 3:37

Oh, exactly, and, Emma, because we've had this conversation before, you've said it before that planners need to be part of the solution, not just us talking about the problem. Can you explain how you see planners leading the way to a better relationship with these churches?

Speaker 2 3:52

Yeah, absolutely. I think it's the key, honestly, and we see ourselves as the leader of our vendor teams, right, and many times even leaders in the industry as a whole, which I believe that too. But if we're going to assume that role, that responsibility, really we can't just walk away from a problem, we have to deal with it. For me, I see a world where planners can take the time to approach churches with the respect that any religion deserves. If we, as an entire vendor category, begin treating the churches as a true part of our vendor team and seeing their role for the important segment that it really is, then we can begin to see that change and, not to mention, it would make our jobs a lot easier.

Speaker 1 4:30

Oh my gosh, a lot easier. A lot easier and I think that's a mindset shift that a lot of planners don't have is treating the churches like our other vendors, with the same respect, same reaching out to the things that are updated or changed with the timeline. The same way that we would treat a photographer or a dj or a baker. Our churches can fall under the same category as well and they, too, deserve that same level of respect, for sure, absolutely. I would like us to talk about some myths when it comes to planners and church coordinators, and I want us to tackle a big one first the myth that planners are just always disrespectful or constantly stepping on the toes of a church coordinator. Where do you think this perception comes from? Because I know it's a myth, but I also know there is some truth behind it, unfortunately.

Speaker 2 5:13

Unfortunately it is. I think it really comes down to a couple of bad experiences that not only cause burnout for the church coordinators, but they make these people put walls up to protect themselves and what they hold dear, and in this case it's their belief system. It's super important to them. So, between a few planners who might have been having a bad day or approaching with disrespect which I'm sure we'll talk about in a minute, or you know the my aunt is a planner planner these church coordinators have really just decided that complete autonomy over their building and all things ceremony is the only way to success, and we know otherwise. I also think that turnover in churches has a role to play in this. When they're training a new person and beware of wedding planners as a part of their training, they begin their, you know, wedding pro journey with that assumption. I would say that applies to just real staffing and turnover that happens in any kind of establishment and also the volunteers who come to church and, you know, volunteer for the weddings. It's kind of a both ends situation.

Speaker 1 6:12

Exactly. Can you share a real life scenario for you where a misunderstanding played out and how it can either be prevented, or even how you maybe handled it or could have handled it better?

Speaker 2 6:24

Girl. I got so many stories and I have some stories that would go under the category of just venting, but I like this particular one because it's what happened bad and then also how we overcame it in our relationship. So there's a church coordinator here in Memphis who's been around a long time. She's in the Catholic church system, so she's been at a couple different churches over her time as a church coordinator and the first time I ever worked with her it was years and years ago. I scheduled a time to come and see the space and, admittedly, I was treating the church just as a venue. I was put in my place very quickly about my role, or lack thereof, in the wedding. I was told that I needed to stay out of the way or be asked to leave. When I left, I was really put out by this whole thing and I what I wanted to say, before being shocked into silence by her attitude, was like hey, I'm a team player here, I want to help you, I don't want to step on your toes. So I gave it another shot. A few months later I scheduled another walkthrough, but this time I came prepared. I brought her Starbucks and a lot of details that would help her with her communication with her couple. I also apologized for the misunderstanding before and I explained that I'm happy for her to run the ceremony and that it was my job to coordinate the vendors and ensure that we're all respecting the church and its rules. I also talked to her about why I needed the details of the ceremony, but I was still okay not to run it. I explained that as the planner, I'm expected to be the keeper of all of the details, not to mention if I'm informed that I can be helpful to her should she need it.

Speaker 2 7:54

On the wedding day, the interaction was super strained. I'm a non-confrontational person. This was really hard for me. It was very strained but honestly it was for the better. Moving forward, I did exactly what I said I was going to do, which is really, really important. I communicated with her alongside all the other vendors. I encouraged my couple to follow the church's timeline when it came to pre-wedding requirements and what have you, and then I showed up prepared and respectful on the wedding day. She actually ended up being pulled away by the priest for some last minute questions or whatever and, you know, came rushing back to finish up lining up for procession. But because I knew the information, I had already lined everybody up and was happy to hand off, you know, and let her run the rest of it, but I was able to be helpful for her. You know, since then we've done like half a dozen weddings, I think, together and we have respect and understanding behind the basis of our relationship and it makes for really great working pros.

Speaker 1 8:51

Can I say my favorite part about this is knowing you and knowing that you do not like confrontation. You didn't just, you didn't just wash your hands. After that first go around it's like, okay, and I'm done with this woman. Hey, I never want to work with her ever again. I'm going to get through this wedding and move on.

Speaker 1 9:06

But you approached it in the MOA that you would be in the finest grace and also being self-aware and saying you know what I apologize for, how I came into this situation and just kind of let it be an even playing field, and the fact that you did that shows to me that you do to me.

Speaker 1 9:23

You care about your couples. Obviously you care about the integrity of your work and making sure that you're doing what they paid you to do. But you also respected her and the church and their rules and their requirements and what her role was, and I think that's something that a lot of planners don't do and to me, that requires a lot of self-awareness. That also requires a lot of putting yourself in an uncomfortable position of confronting it. But you didn't yell, you didn't come kicking and screaming, but you came in in a way of like this is how it's going to work. This is how we're going to be and I apologize, this is the why behind what I do, and I think that was perfect. So, on that note, because of how you handled that situation with such respect, how can planners show respect for the sacredness of the church setting while still advocating for the couple's vision, which I feel like you did so beautifully there?

Speaker 2 10:13

Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Honestly, all religions deserve a level of respect, even if you don't practice that religion yourself and, honestly, that's neither here nor there. Whether it's respect for human empathy and dignity, freedom of belief, historical significance or just another person's worldview, approaching the sacredness of the church is so important. Remember that the couple chose to get married here because they likely believe and respect these things too. I always suggest that, talking with the church about their regulations and their rules, do that first before talking with your couple about their vision, so we don't get into this, this rhythm of saying yes, yes, what a great idea to things that are certainly possible you know during in the event production world, but they may not be allowed in that video.

Speaker 1 11:03

Yeah.

Speaker 2 11:03

Also, I think it's really important to note that some couples they choose to get married in a church not because they are religious, but because their parents are. This is super common. We all run into this, but that doesn't mean that the church is worthy of any less respect from you. The couple's respecting their parents, who respect the church and what you're respecting is both your clients and your vendor partner.

Speaker 1 11:21

Let's go on to myth number two, that church coordinators only care about their part of the day. You know to me what would you say to a planner who feels like the church team just isn't open to teamwork in general?

Speaker 2 11:34

Yeah, you know I would like to share a piece of advice from my mom. I grew up with this one, but I promise it's super relevant. You cannot control the actions of another human being. You can only control yourself. So be the bigger person, advocate for your client, recognize that every single person deserves kindness, grace and respect, and then do what you can do to make the next time that that church works with a planner a little bit better.

Speaker 1 11:57

Yeah, and I think everything you mentioned kindness, grace, respect and even your tone how you're talking to people also says a lot that can really make an impact. If you're coming in hot and heavy, where I take your earrings off, that's me too. No, thank you. Coming with kindness and grace, even in your tone and your voice, is also super helpful. How can planners shift from frustration to partnership when dealing with a church coordinator who seems uninterested in the bigger picture?

Speaker 2 12:25

Yeah, well, I think it's worth noting that it's not going to be a successful interaction every single time, honestly, like any relationship that you encounter in life. But if you can be communicative about your role, open about how you see the church and your respect for their facility and their ceremony, and show humility when you're learning about that specific church or religion, then you're setting yourself up and you're setting the church coordinator up for a good time. Partnerships, file relationship, moving forward.

Speaker 1 12:53

And I love that you mentioned show humility, because we had a whole podcast episode about researching religions. Even if it's a religion that you're, you work at on a regular basis, or even if it's your own religion, taking the time to do your research for that specific church, that to me shows humility. That shows to me that you're eager to respect them and the church and their religion and their beliefs. So I think that it goes a long way and which is why we had a whole podcast episode about it. Now, another myth I want us to talk about, and this is a big one planners tell media teams to ignore the church rules, and this can definitely create tension when planners get blamed for the media teams pushing the boundaries. Why does this persist?

Speaker 2 13:35

Yeah, I have no idea, because if the planners are doing their job at all, that's the first thing you're communicating to them, right? Media roles cause frustration for planners? Yeah for sure. But honestly, it's the clients and the media. It's their frustration primarily, right. And the clients because they have a vision of what they want for their photos to look like, and a lot of times these church regulations are hindering that piece, right there, right, and clients don't always use the same kind of tack that's necessary in professional relationships, which puts that tension right in the forefront of the mind of that church coordinator.

Speaker 2 14:10

My advice here is to try to beat the church coordinator to the punch. My advice here is to try to beat the church coordinator to the punch. Put this as one of the very first things that you ask them. Hey, I would love to get ahead of planning around the media regulations with our photographer and our videographer. Can you go ahead and send me those rules so we can begin work on that? You're telling them from the very beginning that you're not going to like, ignore the rules and ask for forgiveness. You're not going to throw a fit and cause a big conflict, and it shows that you have been around the block and that these regulations are nothing new to you.

Speaker 1 14:38

Yeah, exactly Something I've done for one particular wedding where it was one particular church in Nashville where that day that was an issue they kept having and she mentioned it during our initial walkthrough. So I said obviously and she's like we have a separate PDF that we send to the photographer and the video team so I made a note to obviously send that to my couple, but I also copied her on the email and be like the church coordinator is also copied here if you have any questions or concerns. So that way she knew I took the initial steps Come in, not listening to your rules no, it wasn't on me that they have been provided with this information.

Speaker 2 15:11

Absolutely.

Speaker 1 15:12

So I do want to talk about a miscommunication that only the church coordinator should handle all the church related informations, and you dealt with this in the real life scenario that you mentioned earlier. You know some church coordinators believe that planners shouldn't be involved in any of that back and forth communication with them. Why is this problematic? I know, as a planner, why this is problematic, but how can we really address this when it comes to our church coordinators?

Speaker 2 15:36

Well, because, as planners, we're expected to know everything, and if we're completely in the dark about anything happening on our wedding day, we're just simply not doing our job. The vendors, the clients and even the family members look to us for any and all information, right, so we have to know what's going on, whether we're doing it or not. So I have a good example. I may not be doing the flowers myself, but many times I'm aware of what's being constructed offsite. What's being constructed onsite why? Because we have to plan accordingly. All of it is relevant.

Speaker 1 16:06

Oh, exactly, so there is a balance, because, for the wedding that you mentioned earlier, you let her know like this is why I have to know this information and it ended up working out in her favor because you were able to line everyone up while she was busy dealing with something else and she was able to just start right on time. But what is the right balance between respecting the church's chain of command but also ensuring that, as a planner, we have what we need to do our job and do our job well?

Speaker 2 16:31

Yeah, I found that the most successful balance is allowing their chain of command but insisting on being kept in the loop.

Speaker 2 16:38

Like logistical conversations, they should really be directed to you as the planner, but much of the other pre-wedding conversations are about the vows between the couple, and I'm fine with that being between the church and the client.

Speaker 2 16:51

Yeah, and beginning the conversation by assuring them that you're not fighting them on this process Right, I think that's key. And then explain why you need to know what you know and that you're not trying to intend, you're not intending to change any of it on them. Simply explain that this information is relevant and if they dig their heels in which does happen occasionally if they refuse to loop you in, unfortunately, this is when you have to bring in the client and let them know what's going on. You just kind of have to let them know that this is the policy. It's hindering you from doing what you do to the fullest, and they will either be okay with that or they're going to work to get you that information, which I've had. A lot of clients have to do that, and they'll just go and take really good notes at their meeting and bring it back to me. It's not ideal, but we have to know everything that we possibly can.

Speaker 1 17:36

Yeah, exactly, and there is a fine balance of respecting their chain of command but doing our job and even what you've said for this here, and then also the situation you had earlier. Sometimes it's just explaining what it is that we do, because I feel like as planners, we assume that everyone who's in the industry knows what a wedding planner does and even what you do, because your packages may be different from the planners they're used to working with. They may not be used to someone who's super involved. They may not be working with a master certified wedding planner or a certified wedding planner who is that detailed. So sometimes just explaining this is my why this is what I do. This is part of my policy, my company Sometimes that's all it takes to us assuming. Well, they should know I need all this, like I'm the planner Duh, they may not realize that they may only have worked with you know great aunts and cousins who aren't really professional certified wedding planners, so really taking the time to do that for sure.

Speaker 2 18:27

Yeah, all planners are not created equal, that's for sure.

Speaker 1 18:35

They may not realize that Now, a miscommunication is that church coordinators should only speak to the couple, and this one kind of goes hand in hand, where the church team bypasses the planner entirely and goes straight to the couple, similar to what situation you mentioned earlier. Why does the breakdown in communication matter?

Speaker 2 18:48

Hand in hand is right. Yeah, it does. If we're out in the loop, then we don't have the information. It's simple as that. I encourage both the church coordinator and the couple to CC me on all the correspondence. I tell them listen, I'm not going to respond or get in the middle of your conversation, but I am going to make note of anything that we need to know down the road so I don't have to ask you again. Yeah, no need to be redundant.

Speaker 1 19:09

Right, exactly, right, exactly. And well, what's a time? Cause I know you're so kind, emma. What's a kind but clear way a planner can set those boundaries of like hey, loop me in but also reinforce their role as the couple's advocate and being that point of contact.

Speaker 2 19:24

Sure, so like between that statement and then communicating that the logistical questions go to you rather than the couple. That's how we stay both clear and kind when discussing these roles. Religiously it can be on them, just keep us in the loop. Logistically it needs to be on us and we will keep them in the loop. It's mutual respect.

Speaker 1 19:45

Yeah, again, just explaining what it is that we do as wedding planners, the why behind it. Sometimes that's all it takes and sometimes, like you mentioned earlier, if they dig their heels in or absolutely not, then put your couple in and hope that they can give you all the information that you need for sure. Now I do want to talk solutions. What are some practical ways planners can start building better relationships with church coordinators, especially if there's already been tension in the past?

Speaker 2 20:05

Yeah, I know that we said this a bunch today, but it really comes down to respect. Planners can begin approaching all houses of worship with the same reverence as they do their own, with the same humility, as a brand new cultural wedding that you choose to take on. Choose to be different than the planners they've worked with before and as pros who invest in their education, which obviously all of our listeners are those people. You're already doing that in theory, so it's time to just put it into practice.

Speaker 1 20:32

What language or strategies have you find helpful for diffusing a potential temp situation between a planner and the church representative?

Speaker 2 20:42

So I shared the story earlier about my growing relationship with one of the church coordinators that I work with, and the strategy that I use now and wish I would have known then, is to come to that initial meeting prepared with some of the language we discussed today. If I were more prepared in the moment and not stunned into silence, I would have been able to assert myself with kindness, with that grace, and shown her from the start that I was different. But I just I didn't have it in me, I didn't have that education behind me to step up and say those things.

Speaker 1 21:11

On that note, Emma, for planners who are listening, who maybe are newer to weddings in a church setting, what advice would you give them to help avoid those missteps from the start?

Speaker 2 21:20

Sure, yeah, humility is everything. It's so important. You need to be an expert, but you have to stay humble and arrive ready to show that you're a pro by knowing your stuff but also acknowledging that you don't know everything, and come prepared with research and questions. This shows respect and reverence.

Speaker 1 21:37

Absolutely. Now, if there's one myth or misunderstanding that you personally could erase today between churches and planners, which one would it be, and why?

Speaker 2 21:46

Oh, the first one. The planners just get in the way. One for sure, without question, if we could eliminate this piece.

Speaker 1 21:53

Honestly, so many of them would eliminate so much of everything else. Everything else would be completely disappeared. It's like that myth was gone, that we just were just in the way.

Speaker 2 22:03

Right, right. And our job is to make everyone else's job easier, curate a dream event for our client and make it all look like a piece of cake while we're doing it which, of course, we all know it is. So not a piece of cake. If we had one less battle to fight during this process, it would make a really big difference.

Speaker 1 22:18

So absolutely, and I know we've compared this to being like wedding myth busters. But how can wedding planners be known as peacemakers in this dynamic? Because I feel like that is what you were known for. You've handled this quite well. I feel like our listeners could really listen to you when it comes to this.

Speaker 2 22:33

Well, making a team of like 15 or 20 vendors come together to create something meaningful and beautiful. It's what we do right, and we're the ringleaders of a team, and peace within a team is so important. Everyone doesn't have to get along all the time, but they do need to respect one another, and planners can foster mutual respect by starting with our own relationships and then passing that attitude along to the other vendors whose roles exist in that same space to create the vendor team, manage the vendor team and then execute the dream. That's what we do.

Speaker 1 23:02

Yep, exactly, exactly. Well, emma, thank you so much. I mean this conversation, you know. Thank you for your honesty. You're always honest. Like my favorite podcast is like if you've done something where you're like this was so embarrassing, I want to tell you guys about it because you're going to learn from me. You share it. So I appreciate your honesty, your insight and, most of all, your commitment to being part of the solution. To all the planners listening, if you've ever struggled with navigating church weddings, we hope this episode leaves you feeling more equipped, encouraged and empowered to lead with both professionalism and empathy. Remember, respect is the foundation, education is the bridge and you're the one who sets the tone for the entire vendor team. And if you are serious about elevating your career, it is time to become a certified wedding planner through the CWP Society. Certification gives you the credibility, confidence and community you need to stand out and succeed in this industry, and there's no better time to start than now. Your path to credibility and community starts here. Visit cwpsocietycom to get certified today.