Coparent Academy Podcast
Lifechanging Coparenting
Coparent Academy Podcast
#151 - How to Reconnect with your Child
Watch this episode on YouTube: https://youtu.be/QuwvHKor6L0?si=zvsuBaVrrZ86Q8GB
Are you struggling to connect with your child after a divorce or separation? Do you feel like parenting issues may lead to problems in your coparenting relationship? In this episode, we discuss a powerful, trauma-informed approach to connection called PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy).
Originally developed by Dr. Dan Hughes for children in the foster system, PACE can help strengthen your bond, rebuild trust, and support your child through emotional challenges—even in high-conflict situations.
What You'll Learn in This Episode:
- How to create a safe emotional space for your child
- The 4 key elements of the PACE approach
- How to use playfulness to repair disconnection
- The difference between accepting feelings vs. behaviors
- How curiosity and empathy can help your child feel heard
Parenting through separation or divorce is tough, but with the right tools, you can build a stronger, healthier relationship with your child.
Are you worried that you're not doing enough to support your child during this transition of a divorce or separation? Do you feel like you're not connecting with your child enough and it's causing problems in your co-parenting relationship? Today, we're going to talk about how you can reconnect with your child and support them through difficult emotional times. My name is Ron Gore. I'm a attorney who works as a guardian ad litem, a parenting coordinator and a mediator. I provide co-parenting education to parents and to other attorneys, and today I want to talk with you about PACE.
Speaker 1:Pace is a trauma-informed approach that was created by Dr Dan Hughes primarily to help children who had been through great degrees of trauma and were in the foster system. They were having trouble connecting with their foster parents or even adopted parents, and Dr Hughes was trying to figure out a way to reach them, a way to help them feel safe so that they could have the connections that they really wanted to have. And just like this approach helped children in the foster system, it can help your child too. It doesn't require a child to have gone through the same levels of extreme trauma that kids who are in the foster system have. If your children are going through a separation or divorce. That is highly contentious. If there are co-parenting interactions that are conflictual, then your child is experiencing difficulty and they could use some help. So the heart of PACE is learningCE is learning how to connect emotionally with their child in a way that feels safe for them, that allows them to feel comfortable in opening up and to make connections with you that you want them to make.
Speaker 1:First, let's work down what PACE stands for. It's an acronym that stands for playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy. Now, pace is not a step-by-step process. You don't start by being playful and then being accepting. Instead, you consider these four elements and you put them in place as appropriate, based on the situation. It's not always going to be an appropriate situation for you to act playfully with a child who is in the midst of some pretty severe misbehavior, in a temper tantrum in a grocery store, for example. Playfulness would not be the right approach in that moment, although there will be a time in this process when it becomes the appropriate response. So let's talk about each of these components of the acronym and how you can put them in place very quickly to improve your connection with your child. As we're discussing these elements, I want you to keep in mind that, as the adult in this situation, your goal is to increase your regulation of yourself, to slow down a little bit, to be able to see things better from your child's perspective, to approach them with some curiosity and empathy and to make them feel safe so that they can open up with you, so they feel that they can trust you. This is 100% connected to the attachment videos that we've had on the channel already.
Speaker 1:All right, let's talk about P playfulness. This may seem strange to have as one of the components, but playfulness is extremely important to permit a child to cool off, to feel comfortable, to get some closeness without having to have it be unsafe closeness. Some children, just by their personality or temperament, don't really like to be touched. They don't like physical closeness. Some children have had experiences that have told them that touch is unsafe.
Speaker 1:So having a degree of playfulness in a relationship with your child can permit additional closeness without intruding on some boundaries that may be transient boundaries that your child has as they're going through these periods of separation, divorce or high parental conflict. It may not seem like it to you, but if you're in the midst of a contentious separation or divorce, your child is, depending on their age, understanding more than you think that they are. Things seem really tense, really difficult, right Really end of the world, potentially to your child, depending on the circumstances. Having a bit of playfulness in your relationship permits your child to understand that not everything is life or death right now. If you have been having disconnects with your child, if there's been more discipline issues because your child's maybe externalizing their behaviors or maybe won't talk with you when you're getting frustrated, having that sense of playfulness can help your child understand that there are moments of repair that can happen, that just because your parent may be mad at you for a moment, it doesn't mean that they don't love you and that you won't be able to have a different kind of relationship with them. Kids can start to think that there's never going to be a time when their parent isn't upset or sad or angry or whatever the case may be. So adding in some playfulness can help your child see the light at the end of the tunnel, to help them understand that life is more than just the conflict or the tension that they're feeling.
Speaker 1:So how can you be playful? Well, part of being playful is just your tone of voice. If you have a tone of voice that hints at some humor in a tough situation. If you use a voice that isn't so stern, that maybe it's the same kind of voice that you use when you're telling a story, then your child can have just a sense of relief. Your child's really reading into everything that you're saying and doing, every look on your face, every tone of your voice, and so if you can soften up your voice, a sense of you know I'm in on the joke of this ridiculous situation, then that can go a long way in a difficult situation. Also, your facial expressions If you can soften up your eyes, if you can sort of laugh with your eyes, if you can sort of raise your eyebrows sometimes and like, oh my goodness, not in a way that teaches disrespect but that expresses I'm in this with you, that is an opportunity to interject some playfulness into a tough situation for a kid. Also, depending on the age, you know children can do well if they're given something to do. Right, if you're in a transition, if you've got a lot going on to make a game of the situation, to bring the child in with something that they are going to be doing, but they're doing it as part of a game, depending on the age of the child and their temperament. That is something that could be very helpful to reduce the level of the conflict or the tension in the room.
Speaker 1:A stands for acceptance, and acceptance is huge. What we're talking about is not accepting all behaviors from your child, because some behaviors are just not appropriate. What you're accepting is your child's inner thoughts, their inner life, and we're talking about a radical kind of acceptance here, helping your child understand that their inner life, their inner thoughts, their fears, their worries, their negative thoughts are safe with you, that they're not going to be judged for them and again I'm drawing the distinction between their thoughts and feelings and their behaviors. You're not going to radically accept all of their behaviors. That would be unsafe, it would be unhelpful. But radically accepting that your child may have feelings that you don't like, they may have thoughts that you don't like, you need to help them understand that those thoughts are safe with you, that when it comes to how they're feeling, you're their ride or die, like you're going to be there no matter what, that is a radical acceptance that can help a child feel safe. And why should they open up to you if they don't feel safe? Why should they connect with you if they don't feel safe. If you want that connection, you have to let them know that they're accepted no matter what, that you're going to love them, no matter what they're feeling, even if they're feeling something negative about you.
Speaker 1:A big part of this is going to the child's sense of self. Children, especially children who have seen lots of conflict, who have seen their parents maybe split up and are worried are my parents going to stop loving me too? You know, this kind of acceptance teaches them that there's a difference between their behaviors and they themselves. They start to understand that. You know behaviors can be wrong and behaviors need to be fixed, and so there may be some discipline, some punishment related to their behaviors. But that's different than the parent not accepting them as people. And the more that your child can understand that their behavior may need to be fixed but who they are is always going to be loved, that's a big, big change that you can make in your child's sense of self and your relationship with them. And this can get really hard for parents, because here's an example Think about your child coming up to you, really mad, and saying I know you hate me, all right, just stop pretending.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you've heard that before. I've heard that a lot with children for whom I'm the guardian ad litem. I've heard that relayed to me by reconciliation therapists who are working with clients. So what do you do when your child comes up to you and says I know you hate me, stop pretending. Probably your instinct is to be a little bit defensive, because that's like the worst feeling to think that your child thinks you hate them. So you may want to respond that's not true, or you know that's not true I love you. That's not the most helpful thing to do, though, for your child.
Speaker 1:They're just hearing a denial of something that they know in their heart at the moment is true, so that's not penetrating their brain. You're trying to reason with them, and their ability to reason isn't turned on right now. So instead you need to accept what they're telling you, and the way that you accept that is you acknowledge it and you say, oh, my goodness, like I am so sorry that that's the way that you feel. No wonder you're so mad at me. If I thought someone didn't love me, I'd be mad too. So you can accept what they're saying without agreeing with them that they're right. So don't try to reason with them. Let them know that you're hearing what they're saying and that you're accepting what they're saying and that it matters to you that they feel that way.
Speaker 1:Another example of acceptance could be if you have a younger child and it's time to go and they don't want to leave, they want to play more, and so they're really mad. You could say to your child I know that you wanted to play longer and you probably feel like this is really unfair, that you have to go right now. Right, that's not you agreeing with them that it's unfair, but it's you acknowledging and accepting their emotion as emotion that is valid for them. Again, this is the distinction between behavior and how they're feeling. But you're starting by connecting with how they're feeling, and an important part of this is that sometimes, very often, parents get at the end of the rope and they try to correct their child before they've connected with their child. Slow yourself down so you're not getting dysregulated, and to think about it from their perspective, putting yourselves in their emotional shoes and acknowledging to them how you think they're probably feeling and giving you a chance to hear from them, if that's right.
Speaker 1:Next in the PACE acronym is C for curiosity and this is curiosity without judgment, I mean. Very often children know that what they did was not right. They have a good idea that their behavior was wrong, but they could be really mystified maybe as mystified as you are about why they acted that way. Right, they're not fully grown intellectual beings yet. They don't have the ability to intellectualize, to understand all of their own behaviors, which is not surprising, because we don't either. As adults, we often do things that probably I know I do sometimes surprises me. Like, well, I'm surprised that I felt that way, I'm surprised that I acted that way. You know what's going on there. So if that happens to us, imagine how that happens for kids too.
Speaker 1:So, with curiosity, we're looking to talk with our children to find out why it is that they behave that way. But we don't want to start by asking them why. The word why in a question. Trying to figure out something from kids is not going to help you. When children hear why, they immediately go on the defensive. You know why did you do this? From an adult implies to the child that they were wrong for doing this. So you want to ask why they did it, but you don't want to use the word why. So how can you be curious, with acceptance, without judgment and without shutting down your child?
Speaker 1:As you're just starting to try to have this conversation, let's say that you're dealing with a small child who has gotten angry and, in a temper tantrum, broken a toy. Instead of saying why did you do that If you're even asking, and hopefully you are but instead of asking why did you do that, with judgment in your voice and using that dreaded why word, you could say something like I'm wondering if you broke the toy because you were feeling angry. That to you may seem like a really silted way of saying it, but to a child, the child is hopefully going to be hearing yes, I was angry. They finally understand what I'm trying to say. Yes, I was angry, thank you. Right, that is connecting with your child, permitting them to feel heard.
Speaker 1:Here's another example. Maybe your child loves to do a certain thing, like maybe they love to take the dog for a walk and you like it too, because you want that help taking the dog for a walk. But you say to your child today okay, we're going to go for a walk with the dog, and your child just has a meltdown Instead of getting upset or, you know, asking why you could say, huh, normally you love to take the dog for a walk. Today it seems like you're really angry that we wanted to take the dog for a walk. I'm wondering why that's different. I wonder why you feel differently today than you normally do.
Speaker 1:If, as an adult, you're showing actual, nonjudgmental curiosity about how a child is feeling, they're going to start maybe investigating their own feelings too. They're going to start thinking to themselves oh, there's a difference between me and how I was feeling and I me, the person that I know and who my parent loves I can think about. Why was I feeling that way? I can ask myself what is it that I need to know to understand how I was feeling or why my behavior was this way? By you showing curiosity, you're modeling to your child that it's a good idea for them to be curious about how they're feeling too, and it helps them start to understand their emotions and maybe to control their emotions a little bit better as well. And also, we know that if you can engage their intellectual brain into this process, it's automatically going to start to tamp down their emotional responses. So getting them a little bit curious about their emotions in and of itself can be something that can decrease the volatility of the moment and help your child begin to regulate themselves a little bit better. Now, a question also is when is the right time to be curious about the behavior? Sometimes you're going to have an opening or there's enough practice that you can have that sort of curiosity in the moment which could be helpful to tamp things down. Sometimes you'll get the sense that it's just not right to be curious about it yet. Sometimes the just outburst just needs to end. You have to help the child regulate a little bit, first, make sure that the situation is safe and then, after a little bit, then it might be the right time to come back and ask with curiosity. You know how they're feeling.
Speaker 1:The E of PACE is for empathy, and the importance of empathy is to help your child understand that you know that the circumstance is hard for them and, even more importantly, that they should know that you're not going to leave them alone to deal with it, that you're not there just for the fun times or the easy times. You're letting them know that their inner life matters to you. That means a lot to adults, it means a lot to your child and empathy for your child is about having compassion for them, for understanding that just because they've acted in a way that you disapprove of, it's not typically because they just wanted to misbehave, right. Typically it's because they're handling something that for a little bit got to be too much for them that their emotions got to be bigger than they can control right now. Having compassion for them, understanding that they're not a bad person because they were upset, and it's also helping them understand that you will be there for them, even when they have big emotions, even when they behave in a way that you don't like in they behave in a way that you don't like. That empathy is so important to help your child understand that, no matter what you're with them, you love them and you're going to stand by them.
Speaker 1:So there's lots of ways that you can start a conversation with empathy about your child. You can say things like oh, I know that was so hard for you when your friend called to cancel the play date. Or you can say I know how bad you feel that you broke that toy and you just wish that you hadn't done it. There are lots of ways that you can connect with the child to help them understand that you know that this is hard for them and that you're with them. Empathy is really important for you as a parent as well, because it helps shift your mindset.
Speaker 1:If you're thinking about how your child is just behaving badly, it's going to get you frustrated and annoyed, especially if they've done it multiple times. You're going to be in the mode of punishment or discipline instead of connection. But if you're thinking with empathy, you can start to see your child not as just some kid who's misbehaving, but as a child who's struggling with something. If you can perceive your child as struggling, then it can help you be more open to feeling what they're feeling, to thinking about their emotions, to investigating some of the reasons why they're acting that way in a way that's nonjudgmental, to have that curiosity and acceptance.
Speaker 1:If this PACE approach to parenting is new for you, if you've not been playful and accepting, curious and empathetic towards your child, then it's going to take them a minute to adjust and in this way it's very similar to how PACE was originally implemented with children in the foster system. Those children had been taught that they can't trust adults right, they couldn't trust their parents, who are supposed to love them more than anybody else, how are they going to trust these foster parents or adoptive parents or this team of workers there to help? If your child has not experienced this PACE-type approach from you, they're going to be distrustful of it at first. So, just like with those kids in the foster system, you're going to have to earn their trust. Pace can be helpful in doing that.
Speaker 1:It's very likely you're going to be rebuffed for a while. Your child's going to reject it. Sometimes your child's going to reject this approach at first because it's a little scary, because it reflects what they actually want from you and they may be afraid that if they get their hopes up it's just going to fall through, that you're not actually going to be parenting them like this for much longer. So stick with it, persevere, practice, practice, practice. If you can implement this PACE approach in your parenting, then you're soon going to be able to connect better with your child. Once you have that connection, they'll start accepting direction from you better and they probably even will start seeking it out. You'll be surprised what a better connection with your child can do in terms of making their behavior more in line with what you like. Thank you very much for listening. Hope you have a great day.