#169 - High Conflict Coparenting? Try the FACTS Only approach

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Are your coparenting conversations endless, draining, and unproductive? You're not alone. In this video, discover the "FACTS Only" communication tool – a simple, efficient way to streamline your discussions and focus on what truly matters: your child's needs. Learn how this powerful strategy, focusing on Feedback, Activities, Concerns, Transportation, and Supplies, can transform high-conflict exchanges into clear, actionable updates. We'll also cover essential tips for implementation, including the best communication methods (hint: ditch the texts!) and how to maintain your sanity even when your coparent doesn't cooperate. Take control of your coparenting narrative and build a strong foundation for your child's well-being.

Transcript

The Co-Parenting Communication Challenge

Speaker 1 0:00

Are your co-parenting conversations just dragging on interminably ? They feel like they're not resolving anything and it's just taking all sorts of emotional energy from you . If so , you're not alone . That's the problem that lots of co-parents face . In this video , I'm going to give you a tool that you can use to help make your co-parenting conversations more smooth and to help them stay on point , and it just takes a couple of minutes a week .

Speaker 1 0:24

This tool is the one facts only communication . The facts only communication is not about past issues . It's not about emotional issues . It's not about insecurities . What we want to do is to quickly communicate just those facts that are necessary now for your child's needs . These are essential , actionable updates about the current needs of your child . We call it facts only because it only relates to these following categories feedback , activities , concerns , transportation and supplies . If you keep it focused on these things , then you'll be giving a facts only communication . That all sounds great , but how do you implement it ? I these things , then you'll be giving a facts-only communication . That all sounds great , but how do you implement it ? I mean , if you had a great co-parenting relationship , you probably wouldn't be looking for some sort of tool like this . So I'm going to presume that your co-parenting relationship isn't where you'd like it to be at the moment . That raises some concerns . The first question is what is the method of communication that you're using Now ? Especially if you're dealing with a co-parenting relationship , that is not great . I hope that you're using a co-parenting app like our Family Wizard or Talking Parents . Those are highly structured . They're maintained by third-party servers . It takes the guesswork out of the communication but also of getting copies of your communications that really can't be challenged in a way that is cost effective to your attorney , to the court , to a guardian ad litem or parenting quarter , to whomever .

Speaker 1 1:56

If you're not using a parenting app , then the next best thing is to have a dedicated email just for your co-parent communication . To have a dedicated email just for your co-parent communication , I recommend getting a brand new Google address that you can use that is only for co-parent communication . The reason that I recommend having a dedicated email for your co-parent communication is that eventually it's likely that you're going to have those communications be asked for in discovery . It's way easier to respond to a discovery request for your co-parent communications if you can just provide all of those emails from your Google address . You're not peeking through other topics or emails . You don't have emails to your co-parent mixed in with emails to your attorney , so it's important to keep all of your co-parent communication in the dedicated , single email address if you're not going to be using an app which is better .

Speaker 1 2:45

Critically important for this to work is to not do it over text message . I know that we're all very used to using text and it's sometimes simpler , but text message also has its shorthands . We slip into communication patterns that maybe aren't appropriate for co-parenting communication , so avoid the text messages . They're also so easy to replicate . I mean , you can go online and you can fake a text message thread in about 10 minutes . That's not what you want for co-parenting communication , especially if it's eye conflict .

Speaker 1 3:16

Next is your schedule . Now , hopefully , you have a co-parent with whom you can possibly agree to a schedule for how to and when to send these emails , but that's often not the case , so I'm not going to assume that you have a co-parent with whom you can make a schedule . So it really just comes down to you sending the information . If it's a really high conflict situation , you're sending the information because it needs to be sent . You're also sending the information because you're proactively communicating in a way that the courts would appreciate sending the information , because you're proactively communicating in a way that the courts would appreciate . So it's really about you getting into the rhythm of sending the information that you know needs to be sent and hopefully your co-parent reciprocates . They may not , but you know that you've done what you need to do and that's all you can really ever take care of is your own conduct . So get in a schedule that you can follow up on .

Speaker 1 4:05

Now maybe , given the needs of your children , it's not a lot . Maybe it's once a week . Maybe you start your week Monday morning by sending out this email . As other things come up , you send supplemental emails if necessary . If your children have really dynamic , fluid needs along these categories , then maybe you send two emails a week , whatever fits your specific needs . Again , try to get some cooperation from your care parent on a schedule and some buy into this . But even if they don't agree , you do it when you can do it and where you can be consistent in doing it consistently .

Speaker 1 4:42

Now let's get into the details of what we mean by facts only , and facts here is an acronym , remember it stands for first F feedback . So this is not your feedback to your co-parent . This is feedback that you received about your children from teachers , coaches , doctors , other professionals making sure that you and your co-parent are on the same page about what these third parties are telling you about the children . So first is feedback from third parties not your feedback for your co-parent , not your co-parent's feedback for you . An example of feedback might be that you receive something from your child's teacher saying that their work has been slipping lately or they haven't been turning in assignments . That's important feedback that you need to share with your co-parent . Your co-parent may already have that information , but don't assume that they do Go ahead and send that information .

Speaker 1 5:35

Next is A for activities . What are the activities that our child has this week ? Put out the schedule of what you think it is . This is where a co-parenting app is really helpful , because you can have , in our Family Wizard , for example , a calendar with all of the activities in there already so you can reference the calendar . In that you can put a little bullet point of what those activities are . It helps confirm for everybody that we're all on the same page about what the activities are , when they're going to be held , where they're going to be held All of those key bits of information that are necessary to actually get your child to the activity . For example , maybe your child has soccer this week , a soccer practice on Tuesday and a practice on Thursday , both of them at 5 pm . Maybe there's a game this coming Saturday at 10 am . Those would be activities that you would put in the co-parenting app .

Speaker 1 6:24

Next are co-parenting concerns , so C is for concerns . This may be that if you have an infant , that they haven't been sleeping well , that if you're potty training , how potty training has been going , if it's been going poorly . You know this is what the circumstance is . Maybe your child's picked up a sinus infection or something and you're talking with them about that , what the status is of their infection , how the medication is going , whatever that is . So whatever is a concern for your child , not the typical thing , but a new concern that has arisen or a concern that's held on from last week that you need to discuss . Next is T for transportation . This correlates with the others , so it will be transportation related to activities , or if your child now has a doctor's appointment or tutoring or whatever . It is just confirming what those transportation keys are to make sure that this week's needs are being met .

Speaker 1 7:19

Next is S for supplies . Now maybe your child is running out of something that both you and your co-parents supply . Maybe it is this medication that we were mentioning earlier . Maybe your child needs to have a new uniform for the upcoming soccer season , maybe their cleats need to be replaced , or they need a new baseball bat , or whatever it is . What you say is here's the supply that I think needs to be procured for our child . This is my thought about how to procure it . What do you think Now ?

Speaker 1 7:46

Remember this fax-only email is not intended to be a huge discussion . It's not intended to be an argument or getting into emotional or complex things . It's supposed to be the quick logistics for the week . If the response you get back from your co-parent indicates that it's a larger conversation , then that's fine . Perhaps a larger conversation needs to be had . You just move it now into a different communication . It's no longer the facts only . Now it's time to have more in-depth conversation about that particular thing . One of the benefits of the facts only email is that it brought that to light . It helped you understand that this was an issue that maybe needs to be discussed more in depth . So not only can the fax-only email make sure that you have the logistics for this week down . It can also raise issues for the future that you need to be thinking about . If you can get into a consistent pattern of sending this fax-only communication to your co-parent , then you'll be showing your co-parent that you're really interested in having some productive , efficient conversations about your child on a routine basis . Hopefully they appreciate that . Hopefully they reciprocate . Maybe they don't .

Speaker 1 8:58

If it turns out that co-parenting still remains a struggle and you need to go back to court to have some help , then what you've done is created a history of evidence showing the court that you're not the problem , that you're the one who's attempting to co-parent . Well , that is your co-parent who isn't cooperating with you . That's really important information . That's good evidence that you could use , and you're double dipping here . You're not only trying to take care of the weekly needs of your child , you're simultaneously preparing an easy to produce set of pretty consistent and influential evidence that you're a good co-parent . Why not do that ? That seems like a good effort .

Speaker 1 9:35

I definitely can understand an objection . You know I can send this to my co-parent all day and they're going to send back trash . I can send them this fax email that you want me to send . They're going to send back allegations , retribution , vitriol , whatever it is that you think your co-parent is going to send you . You're anticipating that's what you're going to get back .

Speaker 1 9:55

Okay , that sucks that you're getting that back from your co-parent , but you still have done what you can do . All you can control is your behavior . So you're taking care of you , you're taking care of your kid , you're doing what you're supposed to do . Let them show the GAL or the PC or the court that they're the asshole . Let them show the court that they're the problem all day . You're showing the court that you're consistently the good parent , the parent that can be trusted .

Speaker 1 10:33

Also , if you can go through whatever they sent back , even if it's not helpful , and just pick out the things that are actually responsive for the other stuff , if you have the emotional wherewithal to do this , just laugh at it and be like God . They're stupid . But what you're getting back are some , you know , helpful responses to the logistical needs of your child this week . If it's too much and I can understand why it would be , if the history of the case is just so much maybe because of abuse , coercive control that it's just too triggering to go through that email . Then work with something like ChachiBT or Gemini .

Speaker 1 11:06

Create a prompt that you can use to put in the facts that you sent , to put in the response that you got and ask the AI to go through and to find for you what was actually responsive without you having to read it . That way , you're doing what you need to do without a line to drag you down to whatever cesspool of hatred that they're living in at the moment . Let them live there . You don't have to live there . Do what you can to get the information that you need and roll on . So hopefully this is helpful for you .

Speaker 1 11:39

Try out this fax-only email and see what it does . If you give it a try , let me know , put into the comments if you tried it out and how it worked for you . If it didn't work , let me know why . Let's see if we can improve this fax-only email procedure . If you like this content , if you find it helpful , then please do consider subscribing , liking , sharing this for someone who you think may be able to benefit from it too . Thanks a lot .

Speaker 1 12:05

Hope you have a great day . That way , you make sure that you're doing what you're supposed to do while at the same time , not allowing them to drag you down into this cesspool . That way , you're doing what you need to do without allowing them to drag you down to whatever cesspool of hatred that they're living in at the moment . Let them live there . You don't have to live there . Do what you can to get the information that you need and roll on . So hopefully this is helpful for you . Try out this fax-only email and see what it does . If you give it a try , let me know , put into the comments , if you tried it out and how it worked for you . If it didn't work , let me know why . Let's see if we can improve this fax-only email procedure . If you like this content , if you find it helpful , then please do consider subscribing , liking , sharing this for someone who you think may be able to benefit from it too . Thanks a lot . Hope you have a great day .