Coparent Academy Podcast
Lifechanging Coparenting
Coparent Academy Podcast
#169 - High Conflict Coparenting? Try the FACTS Only approach
Watch this episode on YouTube.
Are your coparenting conversations endless, draining, and unproductive? You're not alone. In this video, discover the "FACTS Only" communication tool – a simple, efficient way to streamline your discussions and focus on what truly matters: your child's needs. Learn how this powerful strategy, focusing on Feedback, Activities, Concerns, Transportation, and Supplies, can transform high-conflict exchanges into clear, actionable updates. We'll also cover essential tips for implementation, including the best communication methods (hint: ditch the texts!) and how to maintain your sanity even when your coparent doesn't cooperate. Take control of your coparenting narrative and build a strong foundation for your child's well-being.
Are your co-parenting conversations just dragging on interminably? They feel like they're not resolving anything and it's just taking all sorts of emotional energy from you. If so, you're not alone. That's the problem that lots of co-parents face. In this video, I'm going to give you a tool that you can use to help make your co-parenting conversations more smooth and to help them stay on point, and it just takes a couple of minutes a week.
Speaker 1:This tool is the one facts only communication. The facts only communication is not about past issues. It's not about emotional issues. It's not about insecurities. What we want to do is to quickly communicate just those facts that are necessary now for your child's needs. These are essential, actionable updates about the current needs of your child. We call it facts only because it only relates to these following categories feedback, activities, concerns, transportation and supplies. If you keep it focused on these things, then you'll be giving a facts only communication. That all sounds great, but how do you implement it? I these things, then you'll be giving a facts-only communication. That all sounds great, but how do you implement it? I mean, if you had a great co-parenting relationship, you probably wouldn't be looking for some sort of tool like this. So I'm going to presume that your co-parenting relationship isn't where you'd like it to be at the moment. That raises some concerns. The first question is what is the method of communication that you're using Now? Especially if you're dealing with a co-parenting relationship, that is not great. I hope that you're using a co-parenting app like our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. Those are highly structured. They're maintained by third-party servers. It takes the guesswork out of the communication but also of getting copies of your communications that really can't be challenged in a way that is cost effective to your attorney, to the court, to a guardian ad litem or parenting quarter, to whomever.
Speaker 1:If you're not using a parenting app, then the next best thing is to have a dedicated email just for your co-parent communication. To have a dedicated email just for your co-parent communication, I recommend getting a brand new Google address that you can use that is only for co-parent communication. The reason that I recommend having a dedicated email for your co-parent communication is that eventually it's likely that you're going to have those communications be asked for in discovery. It's way easier to respond to a discovery request for your co-parent communications if you can just provide all of those emails from your Google address. You're not peeking through other topics or emails. You don't have emails to your co-parent mixed in with emails to your attorney, so it's important to keep all of your co-parent communication in the dedicated, single email address if you're not going to be using an app which is better.
Speaker 1:Critically important for this to work is to not do it over text message. I know that we're all very used to using text and it's sometimes simpler, but text message also has its shorthands. We slip into communication patterns that maybe aren't appropriate for co-parenting communication, so avoid the text messages. They're also so easy to replicate. I mean, you can go online and you can fake a text message thread in about 10 minutes. That's not what you want for co-parenting communication, especially if it's eye conflict.
Speaker 1:Next is your schedule. Now, hopefully, you have a co-parent with whom you can possibly agree to a schedule for how to and when to send these emails, but that's often not the case, so I'm not going to assume that you have a co-parent with whom you can make a schedule. So it really just comes down to you sending the information. If it's a really high conflict situation, you're sending the information because it needs to be sent. You're also sending the information because you're proactively communicating in a way that the courts would appreciate sending the information, because you're proactively communicating in a way that the courts would appreciate. So it's really about you getting into the rhythm of sending the information that you know needs to be sent and hopefully your co-parent reciprocates. They may not, but you know that you've done what you need to do and that's all you can really ever take care of is your own conduct. So get in a schedule that you can follow up on.
Speaker 1:Now maybe, given the needs of your children, it's not a lot. Maybe it's once a week. Maybe you start your week Monday morning by sending out this email. As other things come up, you send supplemental emails if necessary. If your children have really dynamic, fluid needs along these categories, then maybe you send two emails a week, whatever fits your specific needs. Again, try to get some cooperation from your care parent on a schedule and some buy into this. But even if they don't agree, you do it when you can do it and where you can be consistent in doing it consistently.
Speaker 1:Now let's get into the details of what we mean by facts only, and facts here is an acronym, remember it stands for first F feedback. So this is not your feedback to your co-parent. This is feedback that you received about your children from teachers, coaches, doctors, other professionals making sure that you and your co-parent are on the same page about what these third parties are telling you about the children. So first is feedback from third parties not your feedback for your co-parent, not your co-parent's feedback for you. An example of feedback might be that you receive something from your child's teacher saying that their work has been slipping lately or they haven't been turning in assignments. That's important feedback that you need to share with your co-parent. Your co-parent may already have that information, but don't assume that they do Go ahead and send that information.
Speaker 1:Next is A for activities. What are the activities that our child has this week? Put out the schedule of what you think it is. This is where a co-parenting app is really helpful, because you can have, in our Family Wizard, for example, a calendar with all of the activities in there already so you can reference the calendar. In that you can put a little bullet point of what those activities are. It helps confirm for everybody that we're all on the same page about what the activities are, when they're going to be held, where they're going to be held All of those key bits of information that are necessary to actually get your child to the activity. For example, maybe your child has soccer this week, a soccer practice on Tuesday and a practice on Thursday, both of them at 5 pm. Maybe there's a game this coming Saturday at 10 am. Those would be activities that you would put in the co-parenting app.
Speaker 1:Next are co-parenting concerns, so C is for concerns. This may be that if you have an infant, that they haven't been sleeping well, that if you're potty training, how potty training has been going, if it's been going poorly. You know this is what the circumstance is. Maybe your child's picked up a sinus infection or something and you're talking with them about that, what the status is of their infection, how the medication is going, whatever that is. So whatever is a concern for your child, not the typical thing, but a new concern that has arisen or a concern that's held on from last week that you need to discuss. Next is T for transportation. This correlates with the others, so it will be transportation related to activities, or if your child now has a doctor's appointment or tutoring or whatever. It is just confirming what those transportation keys are to make sure that this week's needs are being met.
Speaker 1:Next is S for supplies. Now maybe your child is running out of something that both you and your co-parents supply. Maybe it is this medication that we were mentioning earlier. Maybe your child needs to have a new uniform for the upcoming soccer season, maybe their cleats need to be replaced, or they need a new baseball bat, or whatever it is. What you say is here's the supply that I think needs to be procured for our child. This is my thought about how to procure it. What do you think Now?
Speaker 1:Remember this fax-only email is not intended to be a huge discussion. It's not intended to be an argument or getting into emotional or complex things. It's supposed to be the quick logistics for the week. If the response you get back from your co-parent indicates that it's a larger conversation, then that's fine. Perhaps a larger conversation needs to be had. You just move it now into a different communication. It's no longer the facts only. Now it's time to have more in-depth conversation about that particular thing. One of the benefits of the facts only email is that it brought that to light. It helped you understand that this was an issue that maybe needs to be discussed more in depth. So not only can the fax-only email make sure that you have the logistics for this week down. It can also raise issues for the future that you need to be thinking about. If you can get into a consistent pattern of sending this fax-only communication to your co-parent, then you'll be showing your co-parent that you're really interested in having some productive, efficient conversations about your child on a routine basis. Hopefully they appreciate that. Hopefully they reciprocate. Maybe they don't.
Speaker 1:If it turns out that co-parenting still remains a struggle and you need to go back to court to have some help, then what you've done is created a history of evidence showing the court that you're not the problem, that you're the one who's attempting to co-parent. Well, that is your co-parent who isn't cooperating with you. That's really important information. That's good evidence that you could use, and you're double dipping here. You're not only trying to take care of the weekly needs of your child, you're simultaneously preparing an easy to produce set of pretty consistent and influential evidence that you're a good co-parent. Why not do that? That seems like a good effort.
Speaker 1:I definitely can understand an objection. You know I can send this to my co-parent all day and they're going to send back trash. I can send them this fax email that you want me to send. They're going to send back allegations, retribution, vitriol, whatever it is that you think your co-parent is going to send you. You're anticipating that's what you're going to get back.
Speaker 1:Okay, that sucks that you're getting that back from your co-parent, but you still have done what you can do. All you can control is your behavior. So you're taking care of you, you're taking care of your kid, you're doing what you're supposed to do. Let them show the GAL or the PC or the court that they're the asshole. Let them show the court that they're the problem all day. You're showing the court that you're consistently the good parent, the parent that can be trusted.
Speaker 1:Also, if you can go through whatever they sent back, even if it's not helpful, and just pick out the things that are actually responsive for the other stuff, if you have the emotional wherewithal to do this, just laugh at it and be like God. They're stupid. But what you're getting back are some, you know, helpful responses to the logistical needs of your child this week. If it's too much and I can understand why it would be, if the history of the case is just so much maybe because of abuse, coercive control that it's just too triggering to go through that email. Then work with something like ChachiBT or Gemini.
Speaker 1:Create a prompt that you can use to put in the facts that you sent, to put in the response that you got and ask the AI to go through and to find for you what was actually responsive without you having to read it. That way, you're doing what you need to do without a line to drag you down to whatever cesspool of hatred that they're living in at the moment. Let them live there. You don't have to live there. Do what you can to get the information that you need and roll on. So hopefully this is helpful for you.
Speaker 1:Try out this fax-only email and see what it does. If you give it a try, let me know, put into the comments if you tried it out and how it worked for you. If it didn't work, let me know why. Let's see if we can improve this fax-only email procedure. If you like this content, if you find it helpful, then please do consider subscribing, liking, sharing this for someone who you think may be able to benefit from it too. Thanks a lot.
Speaker 1:Hope you have a great day. That way, you make sure that you're doing what you're supposed to do while at the same time, not allowing them to drag you down into this cesspool. That way, you're doing what you need to do without allowing them to drag you down to whatever cesspool of hatred that they're living in at the moment. Let them live there. You don't have to live there. Do what you can to get the information that you need and roll on. So hopefully this is helpful for you. Try out this fax-only email and see what it does. If you give it a try, let me know, put into the comments, if you tried it out and how it worked for you. If it didn't work, let me know why. Let's see if we can improve this fax-only email procedure. If you like this content, if you find it helpful, then please do consider subscribing, liking, sharing this for someone who you think may be able to benefit from it too. Thanks a lot. Hope you have a great day.