Coparent Academy Podcast
Lifechanging Coparenting
Coparent Academy Podcast
#170 - Supervised Visitation: Is "Free" Actually More Expensive?
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Forced to have supervised visits with your kids? You're facing a choice: use a friend/family member for free, or pay a professional.
The answer isn't as obvious as you think.
In this video, we talk about the pros and cons of each so you can make the right decision for your family and your wallet.
By the end of this episode you're going to understand the pros and cons of professional versus lay supervision, and which one may be right for you. There are so many horror stories about children who have been hurt by a parent and no judge wants to be the person who allowed someone who is abusive or dangerous to have unsupervised visitation with the child and then hurt that child, to have unsupervised visitation with the child and then hurt that child. So judges are going to be extremely cautious and are going to tend to typically order supervised visitation if there's really any indication that it's necessary. So very often people wind up with a short-term, emergency-based ex parte meaning one party only request for professionally or lay supervision. Oftentimes, many times, people are in a real financial crunch during a divorce or separation. You're paying for attorneys. You may have two households. Now there's all these extra bills that you have to do, and the idea that you have to pay $40, $50, $60 an hour to spend time with your children is really daunting. A lot of people jump immediately to the idea that they know somebody who can supervise their mother, their father, their brother, someone that's a close family friend. And so the question becomes should I do that? The pros of having a lay supervisor, someone that you know, are really the cost and, typically, the flexibility and ease of scheduling. So it's going to be free if you have someone that you know doing it as a favor to you. The flexibility you may have a series of people. You may have multiple people, sort of in a stable that maybe you and the other parent can agree on to provide the supervision. So having maybe multiple people can give you the ability to pick different days that you wouldn't otherwise If you have a professional supervisor.
Speaker 1:Sometimes there's a gap between when you can ask for the supervision to start and the intake process and all of that. It could be a week or two before you get your visitation started and in the meantime you're really concerned that maybe during the sign period your ex is going to be bad-mouthing you to the kids and just making the situation worse. So you definitely have this urge to have the visitation start as soon as possible. Also, it can be embarrassing to have the supervision, especially if your kid's a little bit older and they can understand what's happening. You're thinking I don't want my child thinking that I'm dangerous and I have to have this stranger there. You know, at least this is someone who's friend or family, I don't have to really explain. The child doesn't really have to know that it's being supervised and that feels better too. Those are all benefits. Here are some risks of having lay supervision Because it's your friend or family.
Speaker 1:Then there's going to be some implication of bias. You know everyone's going to assume that your mother is probably going to be nicer to you and about you than a professional would be. It's not as clear that you're going to get a true report. Your child may be safe, like the other parent may feel yes, they'll keep them safe. But also maybe if it's the mother, she's going to be doing all the work. She's actually the one taking care of the child and maybe the implication is sometimes that you wouldn't be having the visitation if not for your mother or your sister wanting to be the one to actually see the child. They won't typically have the discipline to prepare objective reports that identify the kinds of things that the court and other professionals will be looking for in a supervised visitation report. That sort of data collection and document keeping is an important part of establishing that you don't need to have supervision, and it's typically lacking with a lay supervisor If you're going to pick a supervisor who is chosen by your ex. Maybe it's their father, their mother, their brother.
Speaker 1:Well then you run into the situation where you don't necessarily trust them. You know you may not trust them to be an honest reporter of the situation. You know they may take a situation that's completely innocuous you're afraid, and turn that against you, misrepresent it. They may not lie, but they may color the truth. You know, when I was a criminal defense attorney we used the term testifying for a police officer. Sometimes you may be concerned that you know this friend or family of the other side is going to essentially be testifying about you. You know they'll give their testimony. It'll be essentially the material truth, but the editorializations on it can color it in a way that still looks negative for you. Another problem is it can really grate on your friends or family. I mean you're forcing them into a situation that's uncomfortable for them too. You know they understand that they're probably going to have to be called as a witness. So that's a big imposition on somebody and it can strain relationships as well, especially at a time when you're probably not acting your best anyway. You may be engaging in behaviors that aren't necessarily endearing you to your family at this time already, and that can sometimes be the strong that breaks the camel's back temporarily in terms of that relationship.
Speaker 1:Professional supervision, on the other hand, comes with its pros and cons. I mean, obviously, the cost is a con We've already talked about sometimes the delay in getting it started. Sometimes it's difficult to get visitation on the schedule that you'd like, especially around holidays, for example. But the benefits are if you have a trustworthy professional supervisor. But the benefits are if you have a trustworthy professional supervisor. You have someone who has been trained to know what to look for. Someone who has been trained to say the right things to the child to make it comfortable for them. Someone who is going to document accurately what occurred. Someone on whom the court can rely.
Speaker 1:You have a therapist, let's say you have a reconciliation therapist who is engaged in the process of restoring a relationship with the child, for whatever reason. Oftentimes a therapist is going to have a relationship with a professional supervisor where they understand each other. You know the supervisor knows what the therapist is looking for. The therapist understands how the supervisor perceives things and can trust the information that they're getting from them. So, although it may be more costly to have the professional supervisor. It can actually potentially save you money because it can be a more efficient outcome. You know the supervisor communicating with the therapist, communicating with the professionals, the guardian ad litem can all understand each other and can get to a quicker resolution which will ultimately reduce the legal expenses. Also, if it's a well-trained and competent supervisor, you can get good feedback. I mean, it may be the case that you have some gaps in your parenting that you didn't quite understand. That you have Having a trained professional who's observing you may be able to provide you with some information that can quickly fill some of those gaps.
Speaker 1:From my perspective, kind of the gold standard for lay supervision would be maybe your ex's mother or father or brother is willing to supervise and you can trust that supervisor is going to be fair and honest in their reporting to the court about what's occurring in their conversations with the guardian ad litem. In that circumstance there's not going to be this perception that they may potentially be biased towards you. The court can trust the information that it's receiving. You're not going to have to pay those fees. You're not going to have to jump through those hurdles of the professional supervisor. That would be perfect.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, I think the worst case scenario is when you have a family member of yours who is actually biased. When they're communicating with your ex to try to set up appointments for these visits, they are being judgmental, they're saying things that are unnecessary, they're stirring up trouble If they come and they testify in front of the court. They're not being candid about the situations. Typically, a person's not going to be perfect. There are going to be some things that they did well and they did poorly. If you have a lay supervisor that comes in who's biased towards you and they're painting only a rosy picture to the court about everything that occurred, with nothing negative, no critiques, nothing then typically the court is going to be a little concerned that it's not actually getting a true reporting on the situation. Best case scenario one of your ex's family members who can be unbiased and you can trust. Worst case scenario is one of your family members who is biased and is not going to give good testimony to the court or good reports to the guardian and let them that are actually trustworthy.
Speaker 1:Bottom line is if you can afford the professional supervision. My thought is to do that. Sometimes it can be way faster. It can give better data you don't have to worry about bias on either side, and it can create a situation in which the court has data that it trusts, it can reach resolutions more quickly, can get you out of this tumultuous cycle of separation and the conflict of the litigation process. Consider for yourself how much time you may potentially save of your attorney's time, the guardian ad litem's time, a therapist's time at their rates by having a professional supervisor on whom they can rely, as opposed to having a lay supervisor. If you do the math, you may find out that it's way more expensive in the long run to have a lay supervisor, even though there's a bit of an upfront investment with a professional supervisor. Just some things to keep in mind.
Speaker 1:Apply these concepts to your situation. See for yourself what do you have available to you, what family members or friends that your ex is okay with, that they don't perceive to be biased towards you you know that you're okay using as well. You know what kind of flexibility do you have to work with a professional supervisor. Do you have some cash available to pay for the supervisor? Do you have other professionals, like a guardian ad litem or a therapist, involved in the case, who may wind up charging a lot more if you're dealing with a lay supervisor. If you're in a situation in which you're likely to pay your ex's attorney's fees, for whatever reason, then consider the extra time you may cause your ex's attorney if you have a lay supervisor as opposed to a professional supervisor that they would approve of as well. All of those have to be practical considerations that go into your decision about whether you want to push for a lay supervisor or whether you want to agree to a professional supervisor that everybody's okay with. Thanks, hope you have a great day.