Coparent Academy Podcast
Lifechanging Coparenting
Coparent Academy Podcast
#179 - Are You An Emotionally Clumsy Coparent?
Watch this episode on YouTube.
When we get emotionally dysregulated, our ability to make simple, rational decisions can disappear. This is especially true in high-stakes coparenting conversations where past issues can surface without warning.
Learn why we sometimes make things harder than they need to be and how to start doing better next time.
If you've ever had a moment like this, let me know in the comments. Let's learn from each other.
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As dumb as it sounds, the story that I'm about to tell you is totally true. So it is my 25th wedding anniversary coming up, and my wife and I were going to a restaurant to do logistics planning for the trip that we were gonna have. Supposed to be just a light and easy, fun conversation about travel plans. Nothing nothing complicated. As the conversation kind of progressed, it got into some complicated relational territory. And I wasn't really expecting that. And I don't think she was either. And I don't know about you, but sometimes when unexpectedly emotionally complicated things come up, I get a little dysregulated. And for me, sometimes that involves me being like a little clumsy, like all of my energy is focused on this emotional context, and it's kind of like I lose all other control. I mean, not really, but a little bit. So we're sitting there having dinner in this nice restaurant with tile floors, uh, which is going to become important. And during the dinner, I dropped my fork onto the floor, and not just my fork, I also dropped my knife. And they clang in a way that resonates throughout the restaurant. And I'm sitting with my back to the restaurant looking out the window. It's one of those half booths, so my wife is sitting uh in the booth part looking into the restaurant. So she can see like the reaction of all the people, I can't. So I'm already a little dysregulated, I'm already clumsy, I'm already not really focusing on, you know, the technical aspects of living, you know, like how to hold my fork and my knife. And I decide that it'd be a great idea instead of just like getting up and going to get my knife and fork, which had fallen behind me like two feet somehow. I don't know how I managed that. I decided to lean back in my chair. And this is not like a substantial chair. And I don't know if you've ever been able to tell, but I'm a substantial guy. I'm pretty tall and I'm pretty heavy. So, me compared to this chair, the physics were not on my side. So instead of getting up, I leaned back to grab my knife and fork. And the chair just was not fit to the task. So I fall back, the chair tips over, I fall back into the restaurant, and the chair kind of comes with me and actually goes on top of me. That's how dynamically I fell and kind of did a roll with the chair landing on top. So at this point, everyone apparently was stopping what they were doing in the entire restaurant and looking at me. And they weren't looking at me and thinking, like, oh my goodness, this poor amazing man, is he okay? They were looking at me like, okay, like, are we done? Like, how else can you interrupt our meal? Like, what are you gonna do next? And so I was obviously a little embarrassed. Uh, picked up my knife and fork. Someone at a table next to me actually made a comment um a bit sarcastically, and I sort of brushed that off and then set my chair back up, put my fork and knife down, and my wife looked completely mortified, but also was kind of laughing at the situation. And it got me to thinking about how we all sort of deal with those situations that were not expected, complicated emotional conversations. And that can happen a lot to all of us, but especially I think for a co-parent sometimes, it can kind of come out of the blue. You're dealing with somebody with whom you have maybe a long history, maybe not. And in that long history, something didn't go great because now instead of being together your co-parents, and it can come out of the blue. It may not come up explicitly in your conversation, but there's always the subtext. And a situation that can be just like a normal everyday situation, can suddenly be complicated by this emotional residue of your relationship. And I know in thinking about my situation at the restaurant, kind of what I want to fix for myself is being able to be a little more spry, like on my feet, when I have these emotional situations come up to be able to handle them without using so much of my brain power, without using so much of my control that I lose control of other things like holding utensils or figuring out that a big man in a little chair can't like lean over two feet behind him to grab a knife and a fork in a restaurant. I don't know about you, but my experience at that restaurant would have been a lot better if I hadn't totally embarrassed myself and my wife in front of all the other patrons. For yourself, think about do you have situations that have occurred in your co-parenting that were kind of the moral equivalent of dropping your knife and fork and then leaning over in your chair to try to pick it up instead of just kind of standing up or even holding on to your knife and fork in the first place? How did it unnecessarily complicate your co-parenting dynamic? How did it possibly mortify your child in the process? You know, how did it make you feel to see yourself kind of in real time doing this series of events that just are so stupid? And the back of your mind is kind of like screaming out to you, what are you doing? Like, just stop. Like just stand up, go pick up the knife and fork, sit back down, and have a nice meal. I know that we all have those situations. I know that none of us want to be in those situations. So just give it a thought. And if you find yourself in that kind of situation, just understand that it's okay. I mean, we all have those situations happen to us for one reason or another, in one context or another, and we can get past it. I mean, the dinner went fine. I'm still together. We laugh about it now, and we're able to move forward. So even if you fall backwards out of your chair with a chair rolling over you in a crowded restaurant with everyone looking at you, thinking that you're a complete moron, that's not the end of the world. What's important is that you kind of take a second, you think about it, and maybe you do better next time. Maybe you get up out of your chair next time. So I would love if you could, in the comments, tell me a situation that's kind of like that for you. When have you had a situation like that, especially if it's related to co-parenting? I think that'd be really interesting to hear from folks. If you want to have more co-parenting content, then please like, subscribe, and share this content so that other people can see it too. And I would love to start a conversation about some of the embarrassing, ridiculous things that maybe you got yourself into because you weren't quite ready for the situation that occurred, but you're gonna do better next time. Thanks for listening. Take care.