As we disembark from the Hot Holy Humorous marriage cruise, we reflected on the journey couples undertake to enrich their relationships. This week, we're sharing our revelations from this extraordinary experience, casting the spotlight on brave couples willing to step out of their comfort zones and focus on strengthening their bonds. We're taking you along on this voyage, painting a vivid picture of the transformative power of such an event and the ripple effects it had on the couples who dared to embrace change.
We hope that you, too, will feel empowered to take those steps towards enriching your marriage. Remember, it's not about sudden transformations but small, consistent steps toward a more connected and enriched union.
As we disembark from the Hot Holy Humorous marriage cruise, we reflected on the journey couples undertake to enrich their relationships. This week, we're sharing our revelations from this extraordinary experience, casting the spotlight on brave couples willing to step out of their comfort zones and focus on strengthening their bonds. We're taking you along on this voyage, painting a vivid picture of the transformative power of such an event and the ripple effects it had on the couples who dared to embrace change.
We hope that you, too, will feel empowered to take those steps towards enriching your marriage. Remember, it's not about sudden transformations but small, consistent steps toward a more connected and enriched union.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
Speaker 2:We are Brad and Kate and our more than 20 years of marriage. We've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Speaker 1:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Speaker 2:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Speaker 1:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, and welcome to Still Becoming One.
Speaker 2:Welcome.
Speaker 1:We are really glad to be back in podcasting today and we, for those of you who followed, we missed last week. Well, because we were cruising.
Speaker 2:We were and we are on land and I feel like I'm on land. Do you feel like you're on land again?
Speaker 1:I'm slowly getting to feeling like I'm not moving quite as much. This morning, I think I'm feeling a little bit more steady again.
Speaker 2:Good, good, yes, so we're on a hot, holy, humorous Julie Parker's marriage cruise and we're chatting with a bunch of couples who were all the couples that attended who were all phenomenal and just talking marriage with them. We got the privilege to sit down with each of the couples and just hear where they were and where they'd like to be and it was a really cool thing. Julie did a phenomenal job talking about marriage and sex and then getting to see some really cool sights and hang out. Yeah, it was great.
Speaker 1:I enjoyed it. It really was. It was a lot of fun. We got to spend some time together, you and I which was nice in some nice warm tropical weather, and that's always lovely to sit in the sunshine.
Speaker 1:It makes it a little bit colder back here in the northeast but, the Caribbean was quite lovely right now, yes, and we also got to hang with some couples who really were at a place of saying, hey, let's do something for our marriage, right, like there was this relatively universal thing that happened that one or both of them said, hey, let's give this a try, because we need to do something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it kind of stirred in us the thought of that whole concept of just stepping out a little bit and taking a risk. Yeah, taking a risk being brave not that you're not brave other times, but just like. What can we do next for our marriage that would encourage it, would grow it a little bit. Yeah, what would that look like for us?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and there are good things to do and bad things to do. Right, Because I do think many times people try to move towards changing their marriage by pointing out the things that their spouse needs to do differently. And that doesn't seem to usually work very well.
Speaker 2:It doesn't. I think we can be honest and say it's a natural tendency, because we as humans do tend to look out before we look in, so it's not surprising that people find themselves there or choose to be there. Since they find themselves there, however, it's not productive and usually does not yield the results that you're looking for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the issue is, you know, when all you do is pointing out what the other person needs to do different, you're actually not moving towards change, or? Trying to change them which? Usually doesn't come across very well.
Speaker 2:Right true.
Speaker 1:And that would be the case in going on a marriage event or something like that too that if you go with this attitude of I want to take you here so you change, that's probably not going to go very well either.
Speaker 2:Right. So we were thinking today like what does it look like to take a step for your marriage wherever you are and maybe you're currently doing that, so then that's awesome. But what would it look like? And obviously for a group of couples this last week that was going on a marriage cruise, we honor and understand that that's not necessarily accessible to everyone. Sure, Based on time, life stage, finances, like all of that is not always something everybody can do.
Speaker 1:Although if you're listening to this and going, man, I missed it I would love to do it. Jay is currently thinking about hosting next year's marriage Hot, holy, humorous Marriage Cruise, so we'll stay tuned for more information about that. If you are interested in doing something like that and having a little bit of an intensive week where you get to both spend some time together but also hear about some positive marriage things and work with a coach to try and work out some places that you can continue growing, Right, the coaches were us, by the way.
Speaker 1:Right, so that is a positive.
Speaker 2:It did provide a unique setting that I don't think you and I have ever experienced before, because we've done marriage retreats, we've done marriage events where we have helped or spoken or all of those kinds of things. And during your break times, sure you can go out to lunch, Sure you can go outside and see the pretty scenery. But this one was unique in that when you weren't in the session times or meeting with us, there really was like downtime that you could enjoy in a different way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, enjoying each other and just having fun together. And there were, you know, all kinds of different cruise events if they wanted to do that. But just even relaxing together is something a lot of times couples don't get to do, and that's one of the things that I've found unique, because you know, a lot of times when we've done, you know we've led several different marriage retreat, kind of things for different churches or activities and you know if it's two days or a day like you come, you do the seminar, you go home and you're right back into the swing of things and you don't really have time to process.
Speaker 1:You don't really have time to even think about what change would look like. Often, and pretty quickly, the material you learn goes back on the shelf and that's about it.
Speaker 2:Well, and there was also the locations Like you got to go to a bunch of cool locations Like it was just really unique, and I have to like give kudos to Jay for the idea and how that fleshed out and gave couples a really unique experience, I think, as they were taking in information as well. So I just think it was a really cool way to do it. Again, not for everybody, especially if motion sickness is maybe a thing, but Brad conquered it.
Speaker 1:I did. He was a champ, I was doing good but yeah, so I okay. So if you can't do a marriage cruise and you're sitting here going man, I'd really love to find more intimacy in my marriage. I'd really love for my spouse and I to connect at a deeper level, to reconnect again, because we just kind of feel stale. What does it look like to take a step forward?
Speaker 2:Well, I would encourage. One of the first things you need to do is make sure your spouse understands that he's on the same page not necessarily communication right. Not necessarily that you both have to agree of what to do, but that you're sharing in a kind way, that you would love for the two of you to have some sort of marriage enrichment that grows you and stretches you a little bit, because I think it's important for your spouses you know, as spouses together to know where each person is at with that.
Speaker 1:But I think what you just said is really important, right? And this goes back to what we were talking about a minute ago. If you come to them and go, I want you to change.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:It's probably not gonna work very well if you go to them and say you know what? I really want us To grow together.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I want us to work on our us right Like and to kind of talk about that passion or the renewing that usually comes with some more energy of going. I want us to find that thing again, or to find it for the first time.
Speaker 2:Looking at that, I want positive. I want to grow in my being the best wife that I can, or I want to grow in being the best husband that I can. I think those approaches Are the heart of. Jesus in all of life that we're we're trying to emulate, so I think expressing that to your spouse is gonna Hopefully share your heart in a better way for sure.
Speaker 1:And look, you know I'm just talking practically. What does that look like? It could be? You know that you find a marriage event to go to you know, something that you could Go and experience together. Sure there are lots of different ones. The challenge would be how do you take it out of Whatever? The speaker is doing right, like whatever happens in the main. Thing is great, take it use it and apply it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the challenge and it's hard because even Even when you and I Work with couples in that sort of sphere, I do think it's writing down all the things that you're inspired by and motivated by, but I think it's often Picking out one at a time. You to like talk about and try to figure out and grow in.
Speaker 2:If you're gonna write yourself a list of 15 things You're too much both quickly gonna become discouraged and probably nothing on the list is gonna get worked on right, so I think that is part of the challenge right.
Speaker 1:It's even if you go to. You know. Focus on the family's weekend to remembers. Yeah how do you actually remember it?
Speaker 2:Well, it's called weekend to remember, so I feel like but I think that that's the thing is like there can be lots of good information.
Speaker 1:And you know they go and they make you do some couples things together and some people love them. They're fantastic. Mm-hmm but it's, how do you apply and keep it moving?
Speaker 2:right and I, I think also thinking outside of the box. It doesn't have to look like events that cost a lot of money, because a lot of those things are investments financially, but you can. You can find a local church that has a marriage ministry, that is open to more than just their congregation and, you know, join that and see, see, see, how that, what that is like, how that grows you. You can find something online. You could read a marriage book together.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Brad and I love to read marriage books together and know that I don't think I've ever found a marriage book that I agree with Everything that said, but I love that you and I can process it together. Take the stuff we like from it, correct? This stuff we do not we don't so just know that I don't think there's any resource out there that I've ever agreed with 100%. So you know that bouncing off of each other, that deciding of this is this is good stuff for us. That's a really good process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that that's a really great point because I think we get into well, this book says this, or this book. You know, what do I take out of that? And it can be really hard, because there are good things and there's some things that just don't fit your situation.
Speaker 2:Sure, it's okay too, just to dive into a resource and decide we don't want to continue with this resource. I think in the Christian community we have this expectation with resources that everything must be spot-on and amazing, otherwise we can't use it. I do think there are some resources that are just toxic Overall, but more than not. A lot of the resources out there are Pretty good but have some parts that don't fit you or you don't agree with. So trying to see them in that light, I think, is more beneficial than holding them up to. Everything has to be perfect, good kind of standard, yeah. So my point being that you can really find it.
Speaker 1:You can find something back to this idea of what would it look like to take a step towards your spouse. I think we said first is communicating right communicating? I want to yeah we probably don't do this well Without that step of communication right it is something that you do by going hey, I'm Desiring that deeper connection with you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that would be step one. Step two I think we're saying is find something, anything, whether it be a book, a group, a resource to get you thinking and Some of that is just new material, even if you find yourselves disagreeing with it, even if it's like, no, this is not right. Now there's a conversation between the two of you about About things, right? Yeah, so, and that's kind of our point is like utilize Whatever information. It is that you can really form that deeper connection and Conversation mm-hmm to figure out what it looks like to grow together.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's not easy, right like it's gonna have some hard conversations, but I think that's one of the things that keeps people from this is. I'm not sure we can handle the hard conversations or the places that we're gonna bring up arguments. It's gonna create arguments and and that's kind of the challenge we all in marriage have kind of a status quo. This is our normal.
Speaker 2:So you mean we don't want to rock that.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of times people are like well, the status quo is okay, it's not great, I don't love it, but the status quo is stable. Sure so I don't want to rock the boat. Yeah, I bet a lot of people feel that way and we give up the potential of good Because we have okay.
Speaker 2:Or we give up the potential of great cuz.
Speaker 1:We have okay.
Speaker 2:We're maybe even good, that was. Okay, it was us for a long time, like we even said, like we had a good marriage, and so I think there was a piece of us that Did not want to lose that. So striving or working towards great was Well. It's a well-meaning took a lot of effort right and and. Scary, because what if it puts? It puts us back to okay right. Which I I get.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's tough it is hard and I I just wanted to acknowledge I think that's what we're up against, right, people look at doing these Kind of changes, doing this kind of growth, and we go. What? What if it goes the opposite? Yeah what if it points out the places that my spouse is unhappy? What if it stirs up things that I'm not ready for?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I Can honor that and I Don't want to sugarcoat that. I think, I think that has potential and I I know that we haven't been in that space in a long time in our marriage, but I know there are other places in our lives that it's been that way and that is hard.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is. And yet here's the reality is that that place of being okay is often the enemy of the potential of something great, and I think, if we can take the risk, to say I wanna work towards it and it's not just about you changing. It's just about us reconnecting or growing, or I wanna see us get to a place where we are communicating better or arguing differently. Or then I think there is places where growth can happen.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, absolutely. I think what we find, though, with couples who are doing that and like on the cruise and wherever we meet couples. There is this place in space, though, where, in order for the couple to move forward in good ways, the individuals have to figure out some things about themselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's kind of what we ended up doing with many of these couples is we look at the places where they're feeling stuck.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we start to say let's figure out why not with condemnation, not with blame or pointing the finger, but starting to look with kindness at like. Let's figure out why that seems like a stuck place for you.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And that's where I would say look, this is now. Is gonna sound like a argument for coaching or an advertisement for coaching, but I'm really not. But it is the help of like having somebody going alongside you in the journey to go. Okay, you tried that, where did? It fall apart. Where did you get stuck? Because I often tell clients hey, we learn as much from the things that don't work as the things that do.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So if you know we talk about doing some assignment or some work or whatever and you just like, nope, I can't do that, like there's a ton of information there of why why, did that feel overwhelming? Why did that? You know whatever Right. So I think sometimes you know you go to a marriage cruise or you go to weekend to remember or whatever like, sometimes recognizing why that information went in one ear and out the other as it sometimes does it can be really helpful too.
Speaker 2:Right and, as you said, it's not. It's not a promotion for coaching, but I would encourage any of you doing some sort of enrichment that if you get stuck, that maybe there are reasons and that you know you can have mentors or friends or coaches or therapists help you figure out why that's such a sticking point for you. But that is what actually made Jay's cruise really cool, because she was giving the information, the education, the conversation that was so needed, but also saw the need for a place in a space for couples to actually process and talk about where they are specifically in those potential stuck points. So I'm the reason I bring it up is because I'm not sure every marriage enrichment will have that element and it's something that probably we should keep at the forefront of like understanding.
Speaker 1:It's. One of the things I said to Jay, as we were kind of processing a little bit, was that each one of these couples came ready to be vulnerable.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And just a really authentic, deep way, and I'm sure some of it was like okay, well, we're here in the Caribbean, we might as well use this right.
Speaker 2:So I'm sure some of that was-. How does the Caribbean make that a thing, cause we could just-.
Speaker 1:We're here stuck on a boat together.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So I'm sure there was lots of elements of why that was the case but, you know, every one of the couples that we met with just were willing to get real about some of the places that they were stuck.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And just have this authentic heart to say I think there's more. I think there's more that we could get to.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I love that, and that's part of what we wanted to talk about is we were decompressing from the cruise. Is just man, how can you take that heart of going to your spouse and saying I want more?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But make that a really good thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and yeah, I think they all were phenomenal and did that. So we were trying to, you know, think about how do we process that with you all, and are there things that you're stepping into in your marriage Not that every season has to be a season of enrichment, so to speak, where it's like super intentional of attending a class or reading a book. There are times to also focus more on, you know, sitting back and just being with your spouse. However, I think that's probably where we spend more of our time.
Speaker 1:We spend a lot of time.
Speaker 2:Well, and then the being becomes well, we're not really being together.
Speaker 1:That's the new status quo.
Speaker 2:We're just kind of being.
Speaker 1:And I say it all the time how often do we see couples who start coaching because they're launching their last kid and they realize there's gonna be a whole lot more time together and they look at each other and they go. I'm really not sure I know you anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Right, and I've seen that couple often that just has grown apart over the last 20 plus years, and now they're looking at the next 20 years together and going oh, wait a minute. What happened and that's part of my heart is to go. How do we get you asking those questions of intimacy before it gets to, while we're alone again?
Speaker 2:So that you can decide to go on a cruise after the last one launches. Maybe you could launch one off the cruise. No, just kidding.
Speaker 1:No, no, no.
Speaker 2:It does kind of sound like those human cannon well cannon things that you launched the last one but seriously like what would it look like to get you to a place where, when your last kiddo launches whatever that looks like for your family, that you two take a trip?
Speaker 1:to celebrate and you're excited and yeah, you're like yes.
Speaker 2:Not, we don't want your kids to think you're celebrating, that they're all out. I mean you kind of can in some regards, but not that. But just like wow, like this is a life change. This is like let's kick off this next season of life together. But because we also have a closeness that we've worked hard to guard and nurture, even though there are times it won't be easy. You're pulled a hundred different directions. But it's an extension of that intention.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I totally agree. I think that would be really an exciting goal to see people go. I wanna get to that part of our marriage with an excitement.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean that would be our hope that you could get to as in this process of still becoming one right Like. That's part of why we named the podcast what it is because we believe that all of marriage is a step towards each other in becoming one together.
Speaker 2:It can be, it can be right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it can be, yeah, so that's what we're encouraging, because it can also be a step where it's not so. What does it look like?
Speaker 1:To take one together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I hope that we've given you a couple of things to think about as you are processing what it means to walk together and maybe changing the status quo in your marriage a little bit, and we would love to keep talking to you about that, and I hope that this podcast is one thing that you guys could use to disagree with, to start conversations, to inspire you or challenge you.
Speaker 2:Yes, for sure, disagree with us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's fine, we're happy with that, but keep talking, talk to each other about what you think about it. So we hope that that will happen for you and we would love to hear from some of you if you have ideas or ways that you have broken the status quo in your marriage that you've moved from it's okay to it's good. You've taken that risk. We'd love to hear your story.
Speaker 2:I'd also love for us as a community, put those things out there. That are things, resources, that people have been really helpful to you and are available to people anywhere that they can check out. What has that been for you that other people can learn from and potentially check out? Excellent?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would be really good, so we hope that you will continue to work and grow in your marriage as you are on this journey of becoming one. That's it for this week. Until next week, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Speaker 2:And Kate Aldrich, be kind and take care of each other.
Speaker 1:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.