Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Fighting Fair: Part 3 Ending The Conflict
In the final episode of the Fighting Fair series, we share insights on how to navigate conflicts and bring them to a close in a way that fosters intimacy and trust. Join us as fight our way through this one but end up giving you some practical tips on how to actually end conflict before they just become another elephant in the room!
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
Kate Aldrich:We are Brad and Kate and our more than 20 years of marriage. We've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, welcome to Still Becoming One. We're glad that you're here today.
Kate Aldrich:We are. We're glad to be here today too.
Brad Aldrich:We are This is not our normal recording day?
Kate Aldrich:This is attempt two at the last of our series of conflict.
Brad Aldrich:Yes, and why is it attempt two at the last of our series of conflict, Kate?
Kate Aldrich:Wow, wow. You say that like a lot of responsibility on Kate, but you know I'm gonna ignore that and remind you that, as we sat down to do this on Monday, like we normally do, we were trying to talk over our content and just how to navigate conflict well at the end and what do people need? And we ourselves ended up in a conflict to the point where none of us neither of us felt like podcasting Nothing. It wasn't anything bad.
Brad Aldrich:We just saying we had a conflict about our conflict.
Kate Aldrich:About, yeah, about sharing with others, about conflict and how yeah, And then. So then we proceeded to ask deep questions of one another, which we often do, but staying in that space together and understanding each other involved some misunderstandings and some conflict, and so we had to work through that, which we did. It was totally fine, did not? it did not like permeate our day or anything, but neither of us afterwards really felt like podcasting on conflict. So there you have it.
Brad Aldrich:So yes, here we are back, a couple days later.
Kate Aldrich:Welcome to Brad and Kate.
Brad Aldrich:We will do, life We did not decide to do prep work for this topic again. But we are battling. We'll see what happens.
Kate Aldrich:We are battling a fly in where we podcast, so I'm sitting here with a fly swatter, so if you hear a smack, it's not because she said that it landed on me. Wait a second. Just a minute ago, as I was leaving the office, you were sweating me with the fly swatter. So let's, let's not, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Okay.
Kate Aldrich:So, anyways, so we are wrapping up our series on conflict and fighting fair. Yeah, and just like, how do we end conflicts? Well, how do we leave conflicts with a feeling of assurance, even though the conflict wasn't? they're never fun, but how do we actually have that posture that grows that further intimacy that we talk about?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, and I think there's actually two different parts of this. You know that we can can kind of talk about, because part of it is how do you shift it so that you're now in a posture of ending it? Like rather than kind of we're in the middle of it, kind of thing like what do you do to try and get the other person or not necessarily get the other person's attention but like to go Hey, let's, we want to end this conflict one way or another, and we talked about timeouts.
Brad Aldrich:So, it's more like when you come back from that timeout, what do you do to kind of try to move towards each other again? And then probably part two of that is like what actually helps you feel reconnected to the person.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I think that part's huge Because I think do people even really know what marks the end? of the conflict I think I think for many of us it's just like we just kind of move on, not that we should sit there and say, okay, the conflict is now done, honey. I think there could be some things that we do that don't make it feel like we just it kind of like whoever paused in talking. Then we're like Okay, it's, it's okay, we're going to move on. Right, if that makes sense.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, i think it. It shouldn't just feel like Okay, we just stopped talking about this and it's still there. And in fact that's often what people complain about is it's like we never end conflicts. They just kind of lose their steam and go underground and we don't end it.
Kate Aldrich:Right And that that for some people, maybe for the people who tend to avoid, can feel good in a sense because you're avoiding it, Yeah, But I think for people who aren't avoiders it can kind of feel like there's this underlying tension always.
Brad Aldrich:It right, correct, and it feels like there's always that underlying tension. But also there's this thing of like I don't know how many elephants can you fit in the room before it starts getting crowded Right Like well, our living room is quite small, so maybe one.
Brad Aldrich:But that's the thing of like. can we just live around this elephant Or does it? does it feel like we actually resolved something Right? And we started this series by saying conflict isn't bad if it can lead to greater intimacy. And I think in order for conflict to go well, then we actually have to end it better, so that we are heading towards that greater intimacy.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah Well, and I think that that elephant in the room kind of erodes trust too. It erodes like that feeling of like we're solid, like even when you and I have conflict, now, that we do it well, now that we understand each other's stories or are continuing to do so, now that we've arrived, like I don't feel like conflict shakes the ground. We've the foundation that we've built. But I think in the past I certainly felt that way.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, i think that's something you know we need to talk about of like, how do you make sure you're feeling solid?
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Right Again, and that can be a kind of end stage. How do you reconnect?
Kate Aldrich:thing, yeah, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:All right so, but let's start at the. Let's start at the top, I guess, or maybe in the middle, Like, how do you, how do you end a conflict? Maybe some energy has come out of it, Maybe it's cooled down, Maybe you know, people aren't, you know, really worked up anymore. How do you end it? Is it just you walk away? Is it just you know what happens? to start to say this conflict is ending?
Kate Aldrich:I was thinking through ours and I think what always makes me feel like we're winding down and the focus has shifted is when you and I are starting to say things like hey, i really want to understand, i really I really want to help. you know, what can I do? When we start doing that more than but this is what I think and this is what I saw and this is what I heard, and this is like the focus kind of shifts from the heated emotions to how do I move closer to you in this?
Kate Aldrich:How do I understand you better And both people hopefully using that kind of language, but it usually for us, honestly, it takes one of us starting that language.
Brad Aldrich:Correct. Yeah, i think that's exactly it for me of like you know, if things are going south, what it's going to take is you turning around, and I think that turning around is I would like. Yes, i'm trying to understand. I think it's also a step of taking a little bit of responsibility, not for what caused the conflict, because that's where people get hung up a lot of times, but even taking a little bit of responsibility for maybe something you did in the conflict that was hurtful. You know what? I didn't listen well there. Or you know what I recognize. I totally cut you off. I want to understand you right. So your posture shifts.
Kate Aldrich:But genuine.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, not manipulative.
Kate Aldrich:Not manipulative but, like sometimes, i think, we try to take blame. We've learned that taking blame for something hopefully can just make the conflict end, but it has to be genuine.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, not just like.
Kate Aldrich:I'm sorry, I upset you.
Brad Aldrich:Correct. I'm sorry I upset you is probably a lousy one, But you know what This? I'm sorry that.
Kate Aldrich:I'm sorry why you experienced upset you.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, that probably doesn't work very well, i'm sorry, my reality hurt you, right, like yeah, no, but I think this place of you know I let my emotions get ahead of myself or I ended up saying something that was hurtful, or I didn't listen. Well, like if we can take that, because what that does is kind of start to say that I'm looking at the log in my own eye, right, and the reality is, in order to have any kind of end of conflict, we need to be able to look at ourselves.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, that's one of our biggest principles is like being able to look in the mirror, see the changes you would like to happen and you being part of that change. Right, if you'd like to be listened to more, listen yourself right And so on.
Brad Aldrich:And I think that's really the next part is okay. After you've things went south, you've hopefully turned around in order to get back north. Right, you have to.
Kate Aldrich:You didn't realize it was such a regional thing.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah right, You actually have to really start listening.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:And listening is a tough skill.
Kate Aldrich:Well, it is on a good day, when you're in a good space. When you're having conflict, there are emotions involved, there is your story and, yes, we keep saying it, but there is how you've learned what you've learned as a kid about what conflict means for you in the conflict, what it means for those around you.
Kate Aldrich:So all of that is present when you're having a conflict with your spouse, so it's hard to listen when we're in that. But it's like for many of us, it can be fight, flight or freeze, and even if it's not that there's still so many things you're trying to think about. Interpret, figure out what you want to say, like all of that inhibits good listening.
Brad Aldrich:Absolutely, And you know it's hard to get out of your own thoughts, get out of your own kind of list of these are the things that I want you to know and get into a motive of listening, And this is actually part of the challenge is both of you end up have to be in that place of listening, right, And so somebody has to go first, Somebody has to kind of step back and go. Okay, I truly want to hear you.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, i think that's really good. I think it's really difficult to live, like I said, in normal life but then specifically in conflict. So hear us in that. Like this isn't easy. No no but it truly is change. It can change your conflict in your marriage when you can listen well.
Brad Aldrich:And everyone kind of makes fun of the you know active listening techniques that pass the pencil. You've probably been taught at like a dozen marriage events or you know those kind of things, that we teach this skill of saying all right, i hear you saying and repeating back to the other person right, Like it's annoying. It is like let's just admit it. It's annoying.
Brad Aldrich:And it's certainly annoying to do when you sound like an idiot doing it, but it is a place but it's. It is a place of when the other person is really, really wanting to be heard. They they take a drink from it, like they were, you know, out in the desert. Yeah, because it's like yes, this is what I've been trying to tell you, right, like you know it's sometimes it being heard is really significant.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, i think that's true, 100%. I think maybe I'm just a unique characteristic and the parrot just takes me off. It's like, why are you just parroting back what I just said?
Brad Aldrich:Because I'm trying to understand you.
Kate Aldrich:But wow. But I do believe that for some people it can be a technique that is really helpful, And the pencil one is as well for some people.
Brad Aldrich:I hate the, i hate the ball. or pass the pencil And I hate, the parrot.
Kate Aldrich:Maybe we could stab the parrot with the pencil. Yeah, right, so.
Brad Aldrich:I mean actually, when I say like repeat back. I don't mean word for word, because that's annoying. Repeat back what you understood the person say And what?
Kate Aldrich:what you think.
Brad Aldrich:They meant what you think they meant, and 80% of the time, at least 80% of the time, the person's going to go. well, that's part of it, but not really. what I really meant was this, because we never hear it perfectly with what they intended.
Kate Aldrich:Hear it with our own stories.
Brad Aldrich:We hear it with our own.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, i think, though, i hear you in respect, since I hope you respect. I don't like the parrot, but like passing something back and forth. I would not say that is a long term thing, but for people who find themselves stuck in that, wanting to work on your response, and you're just waiting for a pause, that's like a millisecond, so you can get it in there.
Kate Aldrich:It gives you that like, well, you can't actually say it until that pencil is back in your or ball is back in your possession, and so it's really not pointy, Otherwise it could get dangerous. It's an it's an unsharpened pencil, so like it can really help people to learn to stop and wait until your spouse is done. Yeah, I mean, and hopefully they're not pulling a marathon, but like well, and that's.
Brad Aldrich:But that's part of the challenge is, there are times that it's like okay, I have your attention, i'm going to unload, you know, and just it like just unload so much that the other person doesn't take it in.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and I think you could add a timer to the mix. I mean, how many, how many different things can we add to the mix? But you could say, like every person's going to get, i don't know, five minutes or whatever.
Brad Aldrich:But I think that's where you know again, you know these are just tools right. But like there is a place where checking understanding, Am I understanding that what you really got upset about is this right? Am I understanding that what you're looking for is this right? Like it, trying to check that understanding is so important because, if you remember, last time we talked about negative interpretation. right, We do it really quickly. We end up hearing our spouse much more negative than they usually intend.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:And also just when we're heated, when we're upset, when adrenaline's running. We're not always the clearest right What somebody has said is isn't always clear. And guys, this side note like this is why, if you get into those arguments about like you said this versus you no, i said this. Like in your going back and forth about he said, she said, and you know, trying to get out the recorder says show what they really said. And I've heard plenty of those arguments. Right, there's something missing here, because we're going for understanding, not word choice.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, that makes sense. So what are some things that we can help people understand or that we do not, that we are the pinnacle by any means of moving towards an end?
Brad Aldrich:moving towards an end. well, i Think one of the things that we need to talk about in here is there's difference between Maybe silly conflict over something like of the topic that started the conflict and and look, you know, we've done coaching enough We hear some really Crazy ones of that started conflict, like you, know I'm not too you didn't let out the dog versus You know or you know you wore your boots on the carpet, like those kind of things, or even like you didn't tell me that This was happening like a lot of just misunderstanding, missing each other.
Kate Aldrich:Those are the topics that get fought about, but that's not actually what anyone's fighting about right, or if you eat the rest of a strumboli That your wife was really looking forward to eating that had more to do with pregnancy than it did a Strumboli but actually Brad loves this story. Actually, it actually probably had more to do with other things than pregnancy just provided the awesome moment for me to Be upset about something that then Created this thing that we had to work through.
Brad Aldrich:I love that We're talking about this literally 20, Almost 21 years ago No no, no.
Kate Aldrich:Well, yeah, i don't remember exactly when it happened, but, yes, our old. It was when I was pregnant with our oldest and he's just about to turn 20 years old next week. How are we old enough to have a 20 year old? So it's not possible.
Brad Aldrich:Um, i, you know, i think there's. There's places where, yes, it is trying to get to that deeper understanding, right, like that is part of ending a conflict. Well, is not just like you're right, i should have taken the dog out it it is eating the strumboli. Shouldn't have eaten the strumboli like it is trying to Understand the person and go, okay, where, where did I miss something? because obviously you were hurt by that right and just for the record, i went and bought another strumboli.
Kate Aldrich:I was actually like, but I was actually just gonna say, you did do it really well. We should probably just to share this story.
Brad Aldrich:Okay, go ahead.
Kate Aldrich:I was super sick with our, our oldest, probably till about like five months, and Brad and I worked at a church at the time and he actually would get home before me.
Kate Aldrich:And I got home and the night before we had had this strumboli which were a suburb of Philadelphia growing up, so like We get great cheese takes and strumbolies and all that good stuff, and I had had trouble eating anything for those five months And so the strumboli tasted really good to me, which was like huge Victory. I was so excited And I didn't, you know, have to taste it twice, which was pretty unusual, getting sick on things. And so when I got home from church I had been thinking about it all morning and I was like I can't wait to eat the rest of that strumboli. I Get home, he's just like, checked out, watching TV, i walk into the kitchen And it's like our house was long because it was like a duplex and I kind of say from the kitchen Hey, did you eat the rest of that strumboli? and I hear this total nonchalant Yeah, oh, yeah. So I closed the refrigerator door, bypass him in the living room, walk right up the steps into our bedroom and just start balling on the bed.
Brad Aldrich:I had literally no idea What was going on for about maybe 15, 20 minutes.
Kate Aldrich:It's my crowning moment.
Brad Aldrich:I had no clue and I finally was like man, where did she go?
Kate Aldrich:Well, wait, wait wait, you come upstairs. This is best guys. Anybody who has pregnant wives just take a note. Right here He goes. Are you crying about the stromboli? Well, he's still alive today, guys. He's still alive today?
Brad Aldrich:It may not have been said exactly in that tone but it was probably close of like wait. What happened? I don't understand.
Kate Aldrich:And I was like in my tears and snot. I was like, yes, and he was like we can get another stromboli. But I am learning as I continue to learn about myself. asking for my needs is hard for me, so like that would have been really hard to just ask, you know, and so that's what we're talking about the deeper sometimes. But we have to do that ourselves. It can't be Brad telling me hey, i think you should dig deeper into, like why you're crying about a stromboli. That's not gonna go over. well, No.
Kate Aldrich:So like, but now as I've learned more about myself, like being able to ask for that, like could we get another one, felt very selfish and anyway, so that's the deeper.
Brad Aldrich:Now you all know, but I think that's the point is we have to get to that deeper place because it's not just a conflict about the surface thing that started it. We have to go to that deeper place, and that's that truly understanding. And once we get to that deeper place, this is then where sometimes the language of apology comes in, that what we can do of how the other, how our spouse, wants us and needs us to apologize sometimes is quite different than our own tendency.
Kate Aldrich:Yes, and we would suggest, like you, checking this out. Gary Chapman, five level languages also has the five languages of apology. Correct, i always want to say it wrong. We would encourage you to check it out just to learn a little bit more about yourself and about your spouse. Honestly, love Gary Chapman, but when Brad and I like when I heard about this, i was like, oh, i feel like he has a love language for everything There. You know, there's probably not much to this, although his original ones are amazing. So I don't know why I discredited it. But I went and did the test just out of curiosity And as I'm reading my results, i'm like, oh yeah, that's absolutely what I want in an apology And that's what Brad is missing a lot of the time. And when he took it, he and I, we have the same top two, but we're completely flipped and it's very weighted, so our top one is very heavy.
Kate Aldrich:And then the next one, so like we're just completely missing each other on what we need in an apology to make us feel like the other person understood what was happening.
Brad Aldrich:So the five apology languages, at least according to Gary Chapman here, and we do totally recommend that you check out the five love languages website and I'll link it so that you can take this and you can look at the book. The first one is expressing regret, and this is what I've been trying to learn a little bit better, because this is Kate's number one. And expressing regret is the apology language, about really reaching deep inside and admitting to yourself that you've hurt somebody and then expressing that, that you owe them an apology, that you regret your actions.
Kate Aldrich:That what your actions have like.
Brad Aldrich:they've hit something Right right, where the second one is accepting responsibility.
Kate Aldrich:Which is yours?
Brad Aldrich:Which is mine, right. I want to know that you understand what it is that I'm hurt by Like it's a little bit more kind of detailed into like I shouldn't have done X right And be specific on that.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, can you preach in here You?
Brad Aldrich:preach in No, no, no preaching, just explaining.
Kate Aldrich:There was a lot of like pointed looks.
Speaker 3:This is a podcast. There's no looks at all. Oh, whatever.
Brad Aldrich:The third is genuinely repenting. So it's I'm really sorry. I'm genuinely sorry for whatever. Next time I'll do this instead, so that won't happen right Like it's starting to look about change and what the change would look like. Okay. And the fourth is making restitution. I'm sorry, here's what I'm gonna do to make it right.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, okay.
Brad Aldrich:And then the last is I'm sorry for XYZ. I hope that you'll forgive me, but I understand that it may take time.
Kate Aldrich:So requesting forgiveness, right, yeah, and see, they're all like.
Brad Aldrich:They're similar.
Kate Aldrich:Just like every, even the five love languages, like there are bits of each one and each one, but it's more heavy for you in the one that you are just designed to need once. Correct. So it really has helped Brad and I to learn to use language, and not just use the language but to actually understand that that is helpful to each of us.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and starting to go. Okay, this is what my spouse needs. Help me to figure out what that is, so that I can do that as an act of taking care of them. It's not gonna be perfect.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:And but it is a way to step towards them and go. I care about you And I'm trying to make part of this right, right, you know, in that And that's what our goal is.
Kate Aldrich:right Is to the hope and the goal is always to move towards each other in a way of care and love, and be on our spouse, delight in who they are, even if it's hard to understand, even if it's different than us. right, Correct?
Brad Aldrich:So yeah, And I'm gonna throw back to an earlier podcast episode. This is one we did at the beginning of our podcasts. We actually did one on the five love languages where we talked about like the advanced love the expert edition, i think is what we called it And what we talked about was like how we can use our spouses love language to help ending conflict and feeling connected in that, So I would encourage people to go back and listen to that one too.
Brad Aldrich:I will link it in the show notes. If you go to the link you know below, you'll take us to your web, to our webpage, and you can find that episode And cause. That's another way of trying to communicate care that does reconnect and end conflicts.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, i think another way is just like what do you as a couple do that connects you well, and how, after a conflict, can you incorporate that to some extent? I'm not expecting it to look like before a conflict or when there's the absence of a conflict, but So about 50% of our listeners just said so you want us to have sex? No, that's just what you thought.
Brad Aldrich:Oh, okay, I'm just trying to clarify.
Kate Aldrich:You're getting a look right now. Okay, so that definitely can be and is a way to connect. That is not the only way you connect. I certainly hope not. So it is also like you making a mental list of how the two of you connect sex will obviously be on that list And then deciding, when we are moving out of a conflict, how are ways that we can connect. And I will say you need to be careful with the one you just mentioned, correct, because if someone doesn't feel like they're in that space, pushing that can just create more distance. So if both people are on board with that, absolutely. If both people are on board with that at any time, absolutely.
Kate Aldrich:That's what sexual intimacy is about. But that one I would say be cautious with, because, as we know, because it is something so special that God created specifically for marriage that it has the potential to cause a lot of harm too if we're not careful with it.
Brad Aldrich:And you know, if you've listened to us much, you know that I try and stay away from male-female stereotypes, but there is one really about connection in sex. That I think is probably one to talk about, because there have been lots of studies that show that men feel most connected to their spouse after sex, and that's why that often is this thing of like oh, we're disconnected, let's have sex. And in order to get to that connection where women are much more likely to desire sex after feeling connected Right, so this is one of those challenges. It is.
Brad Aldrich:Right like of how do you feel connected? in order to have sex, in order to be connected, Like there is that kind of challenge between the two that we have to be aware. So and I hear from spouses all the time of like, oh my gosh, how could you even think about sex? I feel disconnected, And that is often husbands going. but that's how I connect right. And I'm not saying that's fair, I'm not saying you just distort that in order to get what you want, but it is often his act of I'm trying to connect with you.
Kate Aldrich:Yes, but you also spent a lot of time talking with husbands of. That is not the only way you connect.
Brad Aldrich:Nor should it be.
Kate Aldrich:Correct. But so let's not chalk it up to just one way, because you're actually, as I said then, potentially creating deep harm and hurt, especially if your wife is not on the same page with that. I mean, i think you and I have gotten to a place in our marriage that wouldn't bother me if that's what you were asking, to connect that way, but I know there was a time in our marriage that wouldn't have been that way And I know for some women that's a deep wound. So I would encourage you to think through that specific subject. But then also, i would just encourage you because I don't want that to be a pressure that that is the only thing we are saying is how else do you connect?
Kate Aldrich:So I know, when Brad and I've had a conflict, i try to make sure I'm still using words of reassurance to him, especially if it's at the end of the night, because we just all love to have conflict at the end of the night. Oh, just I love you, even if I know this isn't over or whatever. Like I love you, I just want you to know that I love you, trying to have some sort of physical touch of just like maybe it wouldn't be what we would normally have, but just not trying to move toward each other instead allowing that space and distance to continue.
Kate Aldrich:Do something little that connects you. Yeah, right, cause that really does go a long way for both spouses to realize. Okay, we just have this conflict, but like, we are still connected, we still love each other. This will get better with time.
Brad Aldrich:Absolutely, absolutely, and I think that's that critical place of continuing to go like here's the foundation We're building off of that. We're growing in intimacy, we're growing in deeper connection, and that is really this process of still becoming one. It's part of why we named this podcast, what We Did, because all of marriage is a process of coming closer together.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, it's good.
Brad Aldrich:Great. Well, we hope that this episodes, these couple of episodes on conflict, have been helpful and give you guys some things to think about. This is hard, this is a hard subject and we really encourage you to keep having conversations and working towards each other.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, it gave us something to have conflict over It was great. And there was a fly killed in the recording of this podcast Yes, we got the fly in the middle. We will edit that part out, but we did get the fly.
Brad Aldrich:Wonderful. Well, guys, it's been fun and we are looking forward to talking to you next week on Still Becoming One. Until then, I'm Brad Aldrich and I'm Kate Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom And don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.