Overcoming Relationship Hurdles Together with Lindsey Lautsbaugh

Discover the hidden challenges young married couples face today with our special guest, pastor Lindsay Lotzbaugh, who brings her wealth of experience from pastoring, missions, and motherhood. Lindsay opens up about sensitive topics like pornography, communication issues, and the critical lack of support systems that many newlyweds encounter. We explore how the generational gap in churches often deprives young couples of much-needed spiritual mentors, forcing them to turn to peers, sometimes with less-than-helpful results. Lindsay’s insights remind us of the urgent need to build strong, supportive communities within our churches to nurture healthier marriages.

Still Becoming One
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Transcript

Brad Aldrich 0:04

Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.

Kate Aldrich 0:10

In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.

Brad Aldrich 0:15

Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.

Kate Aldrich 0:23

We invite you to journey with us, as we are Still Becoming One.

Brad Aldrich 0:27

Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One.

Kate Aldrich 0:34

Yeah, welcome back.

Brad Aldrich 0:35

We are really glad that you're here today and excited to have a friend and guest with us today.

Kate Aldrich 0:44

We are, yes, our dear friend and pastor. I feel like she has so many, so many things behind her name, but we really, really appreciate her as a friend, as a former missionary, as a mom so many different things. She is our dear friend, lindsay Lotzbaugh, and she pastors at the church that we attend here in Lancaster, so we are excited to have Lindsay on with us today. How are you doing, lindsay?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 1:15

I'm doing good. It's great to be here with you guys.

Kate Aldrich 1:18

Yay, we're so excited. And she just recently had a milestone graduated her second kiddo, and so now they're like into the next phase of life.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 1:31

We are in the next phase, so someone needs to explain this to me.

Kate Aldrich 1:38

How this works. Oh my goodness, seriously, yeah Well, you and Chris are navigating it well. That's the other thing I should say. She is wife to Chris, who we just love them as a couple and appreciate their hearts and got to know them really well when we were all on staff together, um, so I'm sure you and Chris are figuring it out. It's kind of like, you know, you get some advice and then you figure the rest out, because every kid is different and sure, yeah, it's just I think that's true about a lot of life, mm.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 2:10

Hmm, get some advice and you figure it out as you go, yep.

Kate Aldrich 2:16

Yeah, exactly.

Brad Aldrich 2:34

Well, we're super excited to have you on this morning to talk a little bit about church and marriage. Yeah, and when we were on a church, staff we recognized just how much of an important resource the pastor is.

Brad Aldrich 2:39

The supporting pastor often is, and I kind of said man. It would be just really interesting to hear from you, lindsay, what are the challenges and the struggles of marriages that you're seeing People coming to you, people asking you for help, because that's where a lot of people start is their pastor, and I think you have a ton for our listeners to learn just about where other people's challenges are, because everyone feels alone.

Kate Aldrich 3:11

In their marriage challenges, In their marriage challenges right, so I just thought start there.

Brad Aldrich 3:18

What are the things that you're seeing?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 3:22

Yeah, it's Wow, it's a big question. And it's a big question and it's a very um it. I, when I think about it, I feel like I kind of break it down in my mind to the different stages of marriage. Yeah, uh, the church that I pastor at, we tend to have a lot of young married couples I would say probably more than almost any church in our area. I don't know how this happened, but it's a lot of couples in the first five years of their marriage maybe 10, but probably first five years of their marriage. And so I do see that stage a lot and it is so interesting because you're seeing a convergence of a lot of dysfunctions and deficits pre-marriage, and then people get into marriage and they become this new storm with just a new context.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 4:37

And so we're seeing, or I'm seeing, a lot of obviously pornography is a major issue and I would say too, like just no context for young couples on how to navigate pornography and other forms of sexual dysfunction, just and I'm not even saying just with the men, the women too, yeah, um, it's an assumption that it's just with the men, although probably it is statistically higher with the men, sure, um, and then you have um lack of communication, right, right, coming from pretty dysfunctional families, and you have just the challenges of early marriage added into that. And then they have children, right, and the challenges of that and I see a lot of people coming to me with that, okay, and just a lack of some significant challenges, inability to do basic communication, mm, hmm, some some good challenges, but not unusual challenges to an early marriage, sure, um, no model that they can look at and then no support structure whatsoever yeah right that's interesting.

Kate Aldrich 5:53

The no support what do you? And the no support? Yeah, I'm curious about that. Is that no support? Well, it would. You said no support, so it'd be no support, but like why do you think that's happening? Yeah, no family, no community.

Brad Aldrich 6:09

That or do they?

Kate Aldrich 6:10

just feel like they can't talk to their family and community I think.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 6:16

I think the no support is they not all but a lot feel they can't talk to their parents or parents that they don't have a great relationship with, or any family we tend to see, because the american church is so separated generationally they have no other generational support yes no other spiritual mothers and fathers or spiritual aunts and uncles sure spend time with them that they could lean into, because they go to small group.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 6:47

If they do that, which is great with a bunch of other 25 year olds, um, they work with people that tend to be their age, they mingle with that. So there's that lack of support. And then there is a lack of just knowing other couples. So maybe the wife has some friends and the husband has some friends, but honestly that causes this whole other dynamic because the young wife's going to her friends and they're like that's right, you should. Separation is the answer immediately.

Brad Aldrich 7:19

Right.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 7:20

Yeah, and the husband, if he's talking to his friends honestly about it not normally, but if he is well, you know what you should tell your wife? Yeah.

Brad Aldrich 7:30

Right.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 7:30

Right.

Brad Aldrich 7:50

Well, and so that sort of meeting with another couple and having another couple that they can meet with together is very challenging. Do you find that younger couples now are feeling willing to actually share some of the challenges that are going on in their marriage? I know at times, especially older couples, there's this idea of if we're not doing well, everything's falling apart, and we can't let anyone know, so so everything has to be secret. Do you think younger couples are?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 8:09

are in that same mix. I actually think they probably do better than older couples. Okay, In my experience I don't know if you guys find that um, there again, the initial response is not to go together.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 8:24

It is to go separate which isn't I mean hey, it's a step, right, right, it's a, it's a good step. So if I, but they do seem more willing, I think, than older generation to get help, which is really encouraging I see them coming into my office definitely earlier than older couples. It's just been going on for 25 years, right, knowing they need help and just not willing to do that.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 9:00

So that is a really encouraging thing because so much of what they're facing is so fixable, right, very true, like it it really is and their friends have been telling them like this is, you know, threat level midnight right and and it's not. It's actually sometimes it's actually a great joy as a pastor to say this isn't threat level midnight Right. These are challenges and these are hard, but I mean, sometimes they're a little disappointing because I'm like, but all this is normal and they're like no, I don't want to hear that Like this is normal and if we tackle this and if you tackle it, it's going to get better, and if we, tackle this, and if you tackle, it, it's going to get better.

Kate Aldrich 9:44

That's really interesting that, because I have lots of thoughts, but I always do, but that they don't, they don't want to hear that. It's normal, that's really interesting.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 9:55

I almost wonder if it's it's kind of the effect of social media, it's the effect of kind of our view of identity. Absolutely. Love teaching on identity personally. Yeah, but almost this is gonna sound bad, but there is a little bit like I need a diagnosis.

Kate Aldrich 10:12

Yeah, I need a crisis or I need an easy way out too, which, yeah, this is not normal.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 10:18

I need to do this yeah, I need to be able to say my husband's a narcissist and I am bipolar and this is never going to work, so we might as well just yeah, yeah.

Brad Aldrich 10:31

And we, we too, are seeing the influence of the, I think, supportive friend that sometimes is not that helpful.

Kate Aldrich 10:41

Well, we actually I'd be curious to your thoughts on that. Well, anytime we have a'd be curious to your thoughts on that. Well, anytime we have a couple, especially premarital, but even if they're already married, we actually I would say nine times out of 10, we address that. We, yes, friends, we always say you need to have your marriage, positive friends, so they can be separate and not a married couple or, like you're only talking with the wife and he's only talking with the husband, but you need to have a certain amount of people in your life that are for your marriage, not for you.

Kate Aldrich 11:15

I mean, obviously we're not talking about abuse levels, we're not. That's totally different, yeah absolutely. That someone will point you back to your marriage and fight for that with you not just fight with you of like what you were saying.

Brad Aldrich 11:32

That's wrong. You should probably get out Right.

Kate Aldrich 11:34

Like you should probably separate. This doesn't Right. Like hey, well, let's talk about. Or diagnosing your spouse for you.

Building Trust and Repairing Ruptures

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 11:40

Oh yeah. Yes, exactly. And they watch the TikTok about, it, right they?

Brad Aldrich 11:44

didn't listen to you. Yes, exactly, and they watch the TikTok about it, right? They didn't listen to you. That means they're a narcissist, right, like they want you to hear their view, that means they're a narcissist. No no, it doesn't.

Kate Aldrich 11:54

Right, exactly.

Brad Aldrich 11:56

Yes, we see a lot of that and that term is being thrown around a ton lately, and it's just yeah, it is legit like there are times and I've certainly run into cases where guys I usually work with guys, so where guys are narcissistic but it is to that point where it feels like unless they agree with me, unless they validate my perspective, then they're a narcissist. And it's like no, that's not what that means.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 12:30

Right, no, no, you need those and the couples that I see that are doing the best is when we, either on their own or we're able to really link them in. We have a pretty healthy small group culture. I don't think that's always true in churches, but for our church I do think overall it's pretty good. We have very high engagement, which has benefited our young couples because they're getting around and making friends with other couples. And single friends aren't bad either, but even the singles are becoming friends with both the husband and the wife and that dynamic we have seen to be super helpful where, you know, a man can say to another man dude, the way you talk to your wife last night felt a little off. Yeah, like, exactly.

Kate Aldrich 13:27

Yeah, exactly.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 13:29

It was a little harsh. You know it may not have been your heart but to kind of be that sort of friend or that sort of friend for the women to say I hear that's what your husband says, but I see how you get sometimes.

Kate Aldrich 13:45

And.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 13:46

I wonder what that situation was like from both perspectives.

Kate Aldrich 13:49

Yeah, exactly.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 13:51

Not in a blaming or discounting way, but that fuller perspective.

Kate Aldrich 13:56

Exactly, I remember when, well, we probably weren't young adults, but we had a situation and I was, you know I have. I have a small group of women I don't know if this holds true for you too, lindsay where I know if I truly need to talk about marriage like they, they will hear me, but they will point me back to our marriage, like they're for our marriage. And there was something Brad had done. I mean, I have no idea, I don't remember anymore what it was, but and I was kind of talking to them about the situation and they were so wonderful because they listened the whole time and they validated. They said that's frustrating, like I get it, but they were like, but their next statement after validation was okay, what are you going to do that is going to impact your marriage for the positive right Like you can't just stay in this place of that was frustrating.

Kate Aldrich 14:52

What do you need to do? And that's the kind of friendships that we need. Yes, we need to be listened to. It's important, and sometimes we do need to just have someone to. It's important, and sometimes we do need to just have someone us be able to sort of get it all out, but then we need them to be like okay, but I'm not going to sit here and just sit in this with you and kind of stir the waters with you. I'm going to send you back to what do you and Brad need to talk about? What, what needs to happen? And I know that Brad then trusts those friends for me to have a conversation with, because he knows those friends are going to be pointing me back to our marriage.

Brad Aldrich 15:31

Yeah, yeah, so good, it is good, and I think it's more. It's yes, I trust those friends. But, I mean, let's be honest, there were at times the opposite of In the beginning of our marriage, for sure. Right, there were some of those friends that I'm like just don't talk to them.

Kate Aldrich 15:51

Oh, I'm curious, who are those friends?

Brad Aldrich 15:54

Because, yeah, I'm going to put that out on the podcast.

Kate Aldrich 15:57

I'm just kidding. We're not going to name anybody right now.

Brad Aldrich 16:00

Because, right, like what we know, what that friend was going to say would just be, you know, validating to your perspective, which is fine, validation is great, but then throwing me under the bus right. And that you're going to end up coming back with just more vitriol, more upset more irritated and I mean I'll be honest.

Brad Aldrich 16:25

I was talking with a man this week who is currently separated and trying to work things out and he said I'm just worried that she is surrounding herself with other women who are divorced or separated and I think all she's hearing is how I'm not trying and he's like I'm trying everything I know and like I honest he, he really is trying and he's like I just think she's getting her needs met by these women who are telling her she's right, right, exactly.

Kate Aldrich 17:02

So I think it's so important. What we're saying here and one of the things I was thinking too, that we often ask couples is, is if they are in a small group. We ask are you willing to be open with them, are you willing to have them ask the hard questions, like even, um, premarital? But then, when we work with a couple, there are lots of times we've said are you in a small group? And they'll say yes, and we'll say have you shared this with them?

Brad Aldrich 17:30

They don't know anything. Right Right. How do you encourage couples to be vulnerable in those kinds of situations? How do you encourage your small groups to be vulnerable?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 17:40

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's very tricky because I also get the other side a lot Because I'm over groups at our church of the leaders coming to me saying we see this in the couple Gotcha. So often the leaders actually do see it. They don't know. Do I like step in there and say, hey, are you guys okay, right, um, is everything, how's it going? So I normally encourage couples that we definitely encourage them, if they're in a healthy small group, um, which they most often are, that they identify maybe another couple in the group to start with okay, instead of sharing with the whole group.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 18:27

That's a great idea Because sometimes even in a healthy group there is maybe a couple awkward people that you're like, not sure.

Kate Aldrich 18:34

I mean, these are just groups, right, Not?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 18:35

mature over-talkers, advice givers, when they shouldn't give advice. So to identify a couple that they whether it's the leaders or maybe just another mature couple ask them out for dinner coffee, invite them over and tell them up front we would just love to process some things with you. Would you be willing to spend some time with us and to start there? Yeah great before they tell the whole group, that's a really great sometimes they do have. There is definitely space to just tell the group hey, pray for us, or however you want to.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 19:06

It's always easiest to share it as a prayer request. Yes, so true, but yeah, and so I definitely encourage couples like you have to break this isolation that you have.

Kate Aldrich 19:20

Yes, that's good, but I like that idea. That's really practical and, I would think, much less intimidating than just sharing it openly with the whole group. That's a great idea.

Brad Aldrich 19:33

So, lindsay, you mentioned problems with communication community and dealing with sexual issues. Are there other things that you're seeing from couples that you're kind of going man, I wish this was something more people were just talking about. That people knew was a challenge.

Navigating Relationship Ruptures and Repair

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 19:57

I think one thing that I talk to people a lot about is the ability to build trust and to repair ruptures. Yes, I love that so good, that's, that's a big, big one. Um and I'm sure I don't know if your listeners are familiar with I know you too would be familiar with that whole cycle of trust um, that you have some trust that rupture is not a break in a relationship. Rupture is a normal part of a relationship. Right, hopefully not a catastrophic one, but ruptures are part of a relationship and really helping couples to they. Don't they get stuck there. They don't realize it's a normal part, they think it's a break in the relationship. They don't realize that it's an opportunity to actually build deeper trust. Yeah, and so how do I move towards repair? How do we repair that? And the repair actually does and can build deeper trust and intimacy?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 21:02

yep and 100 that's people either have raptures and they just get stuck there. They never deal with it. We're 20 years down the line, right, things are really bad. Or they don't know how, or they I mean a common thing women come into my office. This is what happened. They think they did well.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 21:22

I talked to a friend and said what does a friend say? You should go talk to pastor lindsey, okay. I asked him the question have you talked to your husband about this? Have you ever told him? Majority of the time, 90 of the time no, yeah, they came to their pastor before they talked to their spouse. Right, that that argument we had was really painful, yeah, yeah, and broke trust with me, and so that's something that I feel like I wish churches would talk more. Okay, rupture is a part of the trust cycle. Yeah, and now there's all the caveats in the world, right? Sure, um, we're not talking about abuse. We're not, right. Obviously, if the same rupture happens over and over every week, that's a different issue, right, but they just don't know, and so they run, they hide, they become little turtles or whatever it is, or they just become stuck. They don't know how to literally go and say hey, could we talk about that?

Brad Aldrich 22:30

That's so good and it is. That's yeah, I mean I'm just going to totally. I'm just going to totally throw guys under the bus here, because I think most men when the fight happens, then there's that kind of grumbly period afterwards and then it's like oh okay, things seem normal again, okay, we don't have to talk about that ever again.

Brad Aldrich 22:54

It's done so no big deal, right like, and then there is no repair, it's just kind of swept under the carpet and it's like yeah, somebody decided just to go okay, we're gonna just deal with it, and you know, then it just builds and builds and builds I don't, I I'm gonna take guys out from under the bus.

Kate Aldrich 23:16

I think it's. I think it's more personality and how you deal with conflict and I do think that's more your style. But I don't think it's exclusively guys. But I think what, lindsay, what you said, is so profound and I love the way that you put it that rupture is a normal part of relationship. I think so many people get married and we look at how our families and other people around us growing up did it and and we want to do it differently.

Kate Aldrich 23:47

And then we get in the relationship and we realize not necessarily that we're mimicking what our family did. But oh, there is conflict, there are times we're upset with each other and there's this disillusionment with. I thought this was going to be so different. I am really curious what your thoughts are on, because women mainly, are coming to you and not sharing with you first. Do you think they're coming to share because they think there's something wrong with the feelings that they have and they need validation, like what is keeping them? I mean, intimacy is hard, so sharing with your husband is very intimate. Outside of that, do you see anything in why they're unable to go to their spouse first?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 24:39

Yeah, it's a very curious dynamic, isn't it? Because I feel like coming to your local church pastor is a big escalation or something that, yeah, the person sleeping next to you right, doesn't know how. And normally I'll say they'll say, oh, sometimes I'll say I talked to them about it, I did okay, and I'll kind of push a little bit and say but do they know how serious this is?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 25:02

right right like do they? Do they understand? And then there's kind of well, and they didn't really talk about it, um, and I think there is just a lack of sometimes I think it really is a lack of skills, okay, a lack of communication skills, a lack of understanding probably was going on in their dating life of not knowing. It's hard, right, yeah, it is hard. I know in my marriage, like my husband is a saint because he's married to me, he was so good at I call it the gift of going first. Early in our marriage he gave me a gift where he would just come first and be like hey, could we talk about that, because that was pretty rough. Okay, yeah, and right over time.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 25:56

I'm now able to sometimes beat him to the punch he still beats me normally to it because he's so great that way but I'm also able to say, I did not like how that went, or you may not realize, but I feel super wounded by what you just said, or something like that. Yeah, um, I often will just coach people and simply, as a pastor, do a. Let's just role play this right now. What would that conversation look like? Yeah, they can. They can't even imagine it Right.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 26:26

Mm-hmm, yeah, and I say, well, why don't you say to them what you just said to me? And they look at me like I can't. Yeah, oh, wow, that's so. There is a lot of just learning how to build intimacy, how to how to communicate. I don't know, did they not see it in their family? Did they not see their parents do it? Probably not.

Brad Aldrich 26:52

Probably not. Probably not, you don't know how many I was going to say how many people. Yeah, we see that same thing and there is this idea like, especially where we're living, which is a high Mennonite, high Amish community, that which is a high Mennonite, high Amish community, that conflict is averse and if it happens, it should be done totally in private.

Brad Aldrich 27:13

So I've talked to so many couples who literally say I never saw my parents argue and I'm like, well, one of two things were happening. Either one of them was very, very unhappy most of the time and never said anything, or they were arguing without you seeing it. Like those are the only options right. And you know, I think many times they're like well, yeah, they probably just took things outside so the kids couldn't see.

Brad Aldrich 27:44

And I always say that's just, it's look, you don't want to have your kids see you losing it over your spouse and that's not healthy, but not seeing any conflict skills to go. Yes, we're upset with each other but it's going to be okay. And we're going to get to the other side of this and you going to see us make have resolution right and that that is something kids should see in a family amen to learn absolutely well if parents could find opportunities to fight in front of their kids in healthy ways.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 28:21

Some might should be yeah, obviously not right. Yes, yes, where? Yes, but to see especially that repair happen is can be very powerful absolutely well and I.

Kate Aldrich 28:33

What I was going to add to that is I think we don't do it with our kids. Well, and I will. I will stand up and say this is this has been hard for me because usually when conflict happens with our kids, we just want to shut it down for whatever reason, right, or like hey, I said no, that's the way it is, like that kind of thing. We're also not engaging them in a way that allows them to have the skill to listen, to be listened to. It may not change the outcome as a parent, like what I feel needs to happen or not need to happen, but we can actually sit in dialogue with them and let me listen, let me hear what you're thinking, even as a parent. If we're sitting here thinking that's not going to change anything.

Brad Aldrich 29:18

Right.

Kate Aldrich 29:18

But the reality is we often don't engage in that with them. Yeah, so not only are're not learning it from us as their parents, they're not learning how to do it themselves, because conflict and parenting is is very different, and so I don't know, just thinking about that and how you can listen to them well, and and hopefully they'll listen back yeah, um, and those kinds of things, so it it's really good. But yeah, I think that we have consistently seen that as well, yeah, and so the need for actual repair. Yes.

Brad Aldrich 29:56

In a relationship is something that I think a lot of couples do not know how to do.

Kate Aldrich 30:02

But they deeply want it.

Brad Aldrich 30:03

They don't. But then it becomes this thing of well, there's a rupture, so that's just number one, and then we just start piling and just start the pile, and then when the pile gets so big, it's like, well, I guess we're done. That's what happens, because then there is no process of repair of how do we actually fix the wounded places that are between us.

Kate Aldrich 30:27

I'm curious, lindsay, for you at Reality Church, what do you guys like? What, yeah, what is your heart and philosophy for marriage? I would just love to hear if you can sum that up.

Supporting and Strengthening Marriages

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 30:40

But yeah, we, uh, we're really big on, uh, marital mentors, yes, and so we have a team of of older, older couples, um, not necessarily 80, although some are a lot older, so it's a range of people that have actually have a little bit of marriage under their belt. Yeah, and so we do do premarital through those premarital mentors, but we do try to as much as possible connect already married couples with just marital mentors. Premarital super important. The post marriage sometimes, I think, is probably the most important. Couples have no idea what they're getting into. They don't even know what their issues are going to be.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 31:33

Um, and so that's something we have found pretty successful is if we can match them with a couple. Yeah, that has traveled down the road a little bit. And then we're really big on any bigger issues matching with a marital couple that's mentoring them, but then get some sort of professional in there. So we're very big on knowing what our boundaries are, what's beyond us, and getting a counselor or therapist that can assist in those ways, and we actually think having that older couple there with the therapist can be really helpful. Hopefully they're processing what happened in therapy or a couple supporting them, and you know the decisions and the process that they're in and we have found that very healthy. Yeah, yeah, I love that. Very, very helpful.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 32:29

I think I think the temptation for churches is we're just going to preach a sermon on marriage or a series on marriage once a year and that's going to. I actually I think it's good. I mean I preach, so I'm all for preaching. I think in this department it probably does less than we think it does yeah marriages are so diverse, they're so different, it's so hard.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 32:56

I think actually a better series would just be to do regular foundational series on just relationships period. Yeah that's really good if I were. Yeah, communication conflict.

Kate Aldrich 33:07

That applies to any relationship exactly.

Brad Aldrich 33:08

Yeah, yeah, that's really good.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 33:09

If I were? Yeah, well, think about it. Communication, yeah, conflict, yeah, applies to any relationship Exactly.

Kate Aldrich 33:13

But think about if we preached on the Holy Spirit once a year. Yeah, the role would be very different, right, how we engaged it would be very different and how people would like we, the church, has to educate people on marriage. It like God created it it's and so I think there is this place of I think you're right Having marriage sermons all the time. That would be difficult for other relationships if they're not in that or whatever. But you can. You can take out of it the really the things that we need to learn and make it applicable to every relationship, because there's very little that isn't. There are a few things. So I think that's really, really good and yeah.

Kate Aldrich 34:00

Brad and I are all for seeing the church being able to do that and being able to reach marriages and help marriages, because if you can't go to your church, where can you go right like where are you going to get your?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 34:13

information I would add, too, for um, like we don't have a full-time like marriage and family pastor, I wish we did honestly um. But I would just add too, if there's people in churches or in positions of influence in your church, there's other ways you can make it a budget priority. Marriages are important, so, like, put some money towards it. This isn't the only way. I'd love to hear other ideas. But, like we have a fund, we regularly pay good chunks of money for couples to go to marriage intensives when they're in deep crisis, paying for the first number of sessions for marital counseling to get them started and even connect them with a budget person to help them figure out how to pay for it. Yeah, like long-term, like put, if you believe in marriages, like this is a great place in your budget process. So, just if you can't hire someone, put some money behind it. Yes, that you can just invest and help couples.

Brad Aldrich 35:13

That's so good. It is I think that's so important.

Kate Aldrich 35:16

Yeah, one hundred percent. Because, yeah, you can't. As you said, there are many churches that cannot afford a marriage and family pastor, and that's understandable. But that doesn't mean we have to throw up our hands and say we have nothing to do. I don't know what to do. I think we can be very intentional even outside of that, so that's awesome.

Brad Aldrich 35:39

This has been so valuable. I think it's really important. I think there's some things that you've challenged us on for couples, but also, I hope, for some of the pastors that I know that are listening as well. Before we wrap up today, we have just some fun questions for you.

Kate Aldrich 35:58

We ask all of our, all of our. They are fun, but they are kind of-. I have heard some of these.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 36:03

I listened to your podcast, oh shoot.

Kate Aldrich 36:05

She now knows them all right she does her homework. What are you doing right now to keep your marriage alive?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 36:16

we are prioritizing, um, just checking in with each other because we're specifically on all the transitions we're in. We're in a lot of transition, yeah, um, with with stress comes, uh, or with transition comes stress. So we've been that's one thing that we've been trying to be really intentional with my husband and I. Actually, just this morning I was sitting on my bed putting my shoes on and he came to, sat down, said okay, ok, how are we doing? How are you doing? I love that. And just, we just had a son who graduated and really about kind of being conscious of this new season. So that's been something. Sometimes you're just like how is it life going? You know whatever. But really specifically about these transitions and being intentional about this new season that we're in less hands-on parenting, yeah, um, which is giving us more time together, which is new and fun and also different. So, yeah, I think we're really trying to be intentional about this transition that we're in. I, I love it.

Kate Aldrich 37:26

That's great, that's very cool. What is something that makes you laugh right now? Because we think laughter is important to life.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 37:35

What is something that makes me laugh? Oh, my kids still make me laugh. I love it. Yeah, their thoughts, their opinions about things, the things that they get up to. It's the things that they show me that they're interested in. My oldest son is on a tear of putting together legos while they're still in the plastic bag. Oh wow, I don't know it just makes me laugh because I'm like there's no way you can do that like, so he puts the whole thing together in the bag?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 38:09

No, it's in the bag and it's supposed to be a tractor or a spaceship? Okay, okay. And the challenge is to not open the bag. You can barely see the pieces even, and he somehow puts it all together Like you're laughing right.

Brad Aldrich 38:23

That's hysterical. I love it, I love it.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 38:25

Teenage boys do these things, and I love that about them.

Kate Aldrich 38:29

Well, we also love your boys. So I'm just sitting here picturing him trying to do that. So that's amazing. You have to send a picture sometime of a completed one. That's impressive.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 38:41

It's hard to even see because it's still in the back. So yeah, it's pretty, pretty fascinating. They still bring so much laughter and joy to my life yes, exactly this is a tiktok stream. I have not seen I was gonna say that I'm sure there's gotta be one absolute gotta be something from instagram, because my boys decided tiktok was a a soul killer and so they're off now and good, uh, so instagram is feeding them. This, that's awesome.

Brad Aldrich 39:08

yeah, I'm sure that's out there. That's hilarious, that's awesome.

Kate Aldrich 39:10

I love, it All right. What is something fun or funny that happened at your wedding?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 39:30

of our missions life. That came to our wedding, which was really special. It was like probably 15 or 20 of them came from out of state. We were taking a big group picture and we had an outdoor wedding, okay, and the ceremony was like, right in front of this beautiful pond. We're in Washington state, so it's like pacific northwest, it's so beautiful, but the venue had to move the chairs from, like, the ceremony to the reception. I don't even know how it happened. It was an old pickup truck. We're taking a group photo and behind us the pickup truck that was supposed to move the chairs somehow accidentally backed into the pond. Oh, my word.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 40:04

Like they're taking a picture and this truck is literally like thinking farther and farther into the pond, oh my goodness. And because they're all missionaries we were in missions at the time because these are all missionaries, did y'all go pick? Up the truck all hands on deck, pulling a truck out of a pond. Everybody's all dressed up and that's amazing, that's then we all took the picture again. We got there, you know, back into position without a truck in the background, got it. That's amazing.

Kate Aldrich 40:32

That fits you and Chris so well.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 40:34

I love it.

Kate Aldrich 40:37

All right. What is something that you're doing that brings you rest?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 40:42

Oh, I'm so bad at this. This is a hard question for me. This is something I'm working on a lot right now. That's okay. Yeah, I gardening being in my garden okay, I have a. I have a vegetable garden. Um, watering my plants. I have a bunch of flowers, okay, in my house, you know, around the outside of my house, sure. So I was actually out this morning. Uh, woke up early, too early than I should have, and it just feels so restful. I hear the birds and water and plants that don't even need to be watered.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 41:17

But sounds like something I would do, yeah I can take a full hour at night just walking around with my hose, inspecting everything okay it's nature is super rational for me.

Kate Aldrich 41:29

That's good, though. That's why we ask it because it's a very Personal thing it is a very personal thing and I think people need to have the freedom to realize it's very much how God wired each of us, and it doesn't have to look like anybody else, so that's awesome.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 41:44

Either that or having a beer with my husband is I like that too? I like that too. Am I allowed to say that? Absolutely 100%.

Kate Aldrich 41:52

Brad talks about his whiskey shenanigans all the time, not all the time, but we mention them often here.

Brad Aldrich 41:58

You mention them yeah.

Kate Aldrich 42:00

Yep, yeah, so well, that's awesome. Well, lindsay's husband that we keep mentioning, chris, is actually one of our coaches at Aldridge Ministries and we have loved having him come on and they were missionaries for how many years in South Africa?

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 42:21

I was 15 years in South Africa. We were in missions for over 20 years, 24 or 25 years, yeah, a long time 20 years, 24 or 25 years.

Kate Aldrich 42:28

Yeah, so long time. I mean, chris is lending us his wisdom in that area, but just in. But then they've also been in pastoral ministry, just ministry in general, for I think all your marriage right.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 42:39

Yeah, all our marriage we both went in as young babies. That's amazing.

Brad Aldrich 42:43

That's amazing.

Kate Aldrich 42:44

So good we appreciate you guys so very much. We do so very much, so good. We appreciate you guys so very much. We do so very much yeah.

Brad Aldrich 42:49

Well, lindsay, thank you so much for offering your wisdom and just so appreciate your insights. We know they'll be valuable for a lot of people, so we appreciate it very much.

Lindsey Lautsbaugh 43:02

Appreciate you guys and all you do. Thanks.

Brad Aldrich 43:04

Thank you Well, until next time on Still Becoming One. I'm Brad Aldrich.

Kate Aldrich 43:09

And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.

Brad Aldrich 43:14

Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom speaking opportunities. You can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on still becoming one.