Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Who Is Family Anyway?
What defines family in today's complex world? We dive into the often misleading notion that blood is thicker than water, encouraging listeners to reflect on the diverse definitions of family.
We can seek to maintain loyalty to family while navigating the complexities of emotional needs in life. However, there's more to "family" than biological ties. We explore how a chosen family can sometimes be your strongest support system, emphasizing the importance of those connections in your personal growth and happiness. Deep connections formed with friends can provide the support and love typically attributed to familial bonds.
Brad and Kate invite you to consider who you regard as family and how those relationships impact your life. If you've ever felt frustrated by familial ties, this episode is for you. Join us as we discuss embracing your whole support system and redefining what family means to you.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Good morning everyone. Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, well, you gave away what time we're doing this.
Brad Aldrich:Oh, yes, I did say morning.
Kate Aldrich:Darn it, I suppose because we're feeling it, but it's morning.
Brad Aldrich:It is, it is, but it's morning. It is, it is, but it's okay, I've got my coffee.
Kate Aldrich:I have my London fog. Yes, we're in a warm room. It is so you did take me away from my fireplace that you were like I made a fire, but then we're not in the room with the fireplace Sadness.
Brad Aldrich:I can't help that. That's not where we can record I can't help that.
Kate Aldrich:That's not where we can record Bummer Yep, okay, so how are we this morning?
Brad Aldrich:I'm doing all right.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, we're checking in, because we haven't checked in yet.
Brad Aldrich:It was a little bit more relaxed weekend than we've had in a couple, so it was nice. Yeah, I think it was for you. I was getting caught up on work I hadn't done. Yeah, that's true, but it was nice.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I think it was for you. I was getting caught up on work I hadn't done yeah that's true, but it was still nice, because we were just hanging out.
Brad Aldrich:We weren't having to do a ton of things. So, we are doing well and checking up. How often do you guys check up on each other? I don't know. That's an interesting question. It's something we ask our clients a lot of times is how often do you guys actually talk? Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, we do it daily, but sometimes we do it like this. In front of you. And sometimes with clients. They'll say how are you guys? And we?
Brad Aldrich:look at each other and we're like how are we?
Kate Aldrich:So we probably could work on when we're doing it, but you know we're fitting it in, that's right. So yeah, I mean, we wouldn't do that, obviously, if we weren't in a good space.
Brad Aldrich:We could say there are some interesting dynamics about working together, working from home in the same space, that I think are an interesting challenge, challenge for couples I don't know what you mean I mean. One of them for me is there's much less set times of when I'm working, when I'm not working, like it and it's harder to tell the difference because, I'm always home, right Like. So I think there's a little bit less like. Okay, I'm off work right now. It doesn't get announced Like there's no, you know sign.
Kate Aldrich:You could like go out the back door come in the front door. I'm home. Yeah, that would be bizarre.
Brad Aldrich:And based on my schedule. I often like come home in like the afternoon and then go back to work in the evening. So, like that air quoted come home.
Kate Aldrich:As if everybody on the podcast could see that yeah, um, yeah, we've definitely had to work through different dynamics. You are I'm like, oh, this is fun, we're home all day together. Brad needs to be undisturbed for the day, so it's been a discipline for me to undisturb.
Brad Aldrich:My ADHD cannot handle Kate's random train of thoughts all the time. Wow, so yes, that is true.
Kate Aldrich:It's not only that's my own ADHD actually. So I just have lots of thoughts that pop in there and I think probably Brad really wants to know them.
Brad Aldrich:I of course, want to know them. It's just that my hyper focus when I get it turned on gets turned off really easily and then. I don't finish what I started, I feel like I've been doing a good job.
Kate Aldrich:I don't come in anymore to your office, like I've been doing a good job. I don't come in anymore to your office unless I'm supposed to be here and I just have my random train of thoughts out in my space by myself.
Brad Aldrich:And sometimes I get long text. It's okay.
Kate Aldrich:Oh my goodness. But that's not usually my random train of thoughts. Those are like legit questions that I don't want to forget.
Brad Aldrich:But I've apparently been, or items in the thrift store One or the other.
Kate Aldrich:I don't usually go thrifting while you're working, though that's not true. Oh, I guess maybe in the evening, now and then. So, yes, my bestie friend and I love to go thrifting and we're actually talking about who's your family today. So she's definitely our family, but, um, but it wouldn't be during the work day, but it would more be evenings, correct I? Do feel like he needs to see the randomness of some creepy things out there and okay so sorry maybe you should learn to put your phone on.
Brad Aldrich:Do not disturb yes, I absolutely do it's. It's set to automatically um for me. When I'm in a zoom, it it automatically do not disturbs, but it's when I'm not in a zoom. When I'm working on something else it's not, and it comes like woohoo. Okay, yeah, this is crazy.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, in the future. You know I'm learning, guys, I'll take pictures, and then you can have a slideshow presentation when I get home.
Brad Aldrich:Oh that, I would like that, that would be great you would not here's the reality, I get to have the commentary, then most times items, most times insanity most times when I say, did you check that out?
Kate Aldrich:he's like, uh, I didn't look yet, so like I'm not sure you'd like the slideshow presentation getting in trouble here this morning.
Brad Aldrich:Okay, I think I think we're going around and so, okay, we were just having fun, we are so we actually wanted to talk today about a topic that a bunch of our clients have talked about recently. I think it's coming out of the holidays and starting just to realize some maybe longer term frustration of dealing with a family who have not really done their work.
Kate Aldrich:What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich:So you know, as people are exploring relationships and as people are growing in their relationships, it's often a place where they want to go deeper with people, that they want to do reconciliation, that they want to do repair.
Kate Aldrich:Or they want to do things differently, or they want to do things differently.
Brad Aldrich:And when their family members siblings, parents, etc. Can't meet them there. I think there's often a level of frustration there's often a level of frustration.
Kate Aldrich:Well, it does become. How do I do it differently with just me? Yeah, Because that's hard. That's a hard thing to figure out and it's something we talk about in story work, or I do with my story work clients all the time. What does that then potentially look like?
Brad Aldrich:yeah, well, and most of us grew up with some level of the idiom being shared of blood is thicker than water meaning. You know, I can't say I ever heard my parents use that, so I'm not going to say like it was something I was taught directly, but it was certainly something I picked up and I think to me as a kid.
Kate Aldrich:Well, extrapolate that some more, like I think it's more parents saying like your family comes first.
Brad Aldrich:Your family comes first right.
Kate Aldrich:In devotion or in like.
Brad Aldrich:Loyalty.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, loyalty, sticking up for your family Like. I remember hearing that pressure about my siblings.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, absolutely. I think that's exactly what it kind of was meant is. I think in my family what I got was any family stresses, family problems stay here.
Kate Aldrich:Oh yeah, that wasn't necessarily in mine. I think it was more the loyalty like your, your siblings and your parents will always be your siblings and parents. True statement, um, so like we don't value friendships or other things over that over that, that they have to come first in order. Yeah, yeah, I yeah, I think so.
Brad Aldrich:I mean, and I'm going to say this is not a message that I really remember my parents ever teaching directly. It was more caught right Like so some of it was.
Kate Aldrich:An undercurrent.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, the undercurrent, and some of it was like. I remember times of being disciplined, being yelled at and the phone rings and then all of a sudden, picking up the phone, the attitude totally changes 100%.
Kate Aldrich:So what are you saying that points to.
Brad Aldrich:Like what's going on here. Oh, doesn't get, Can't go outside anywhere right Same thing like heading to church. I'm in trouble all the way to church but we walk in the door and everyone puts a smile on and we have to be the happy, perfect family. I remember having those experiences.
Kate Aldrich:See, we didn't go to church as a family, but when our kids were little. I remember feeling that pressure, but you and I were much more transparent.
Brad Aldrich:Whatever we're here, what are you complaining about?
Kate Aldrich:Well, no, we were just like we didn't feel the need to walk in and act like everything was okay. I don't think we also kept going, so there was a level of stopping the conversation or the conflict.
Brad Aldrich:Right. So I think that pressure is there for a lot of people Like I have to be loyal to my family. I have to figure out this with my family. I can't let things come in the way of my family.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:And certainly when we work with premarital couples. This is something we talk about a lot, as there's a shifting loyalty and dynamic that some really struggle with.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, for sure, it's definitely varied degrees, but I don't think we've ever had a premarital couple where one of the couple, like the family, is completely cut off right. There's loyalty no matter what, even if they come to us saying like, things with my family are hard, they're not really good, they're not really easy. We don't see them a lot, but it's. I don't think we've ever actually no, cannot completely cut off.
Brad Aldrich:I think sometimes the harder stress is actually the opposite, where one person has a really close relationship with their family and the other maybe less so, and they're trying to figure out what that's going to look like afterwards.
Kate Aldrich:Right, right, I think what I was saying there is. It speaks to the natural loyalty that we feel inside of us towards our family, no matter what.
Brad Aldrich:And I think we need to say that, like from the top, we're not suggesting that that should change. I think that loyalty is God-given. I think that loyalty I mean we see it in the Ten Commandments and in traditions that say we need to honor our father and mother, and there is some places in our core that we would not be who we are, whether we look at it genetics, whether we look at it environmentally we would not be who we are if it was not for our parents. Sure.
Brad Aldrich:And so there is some loyalty of this person gave me life or was a part of giving me life.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, or raising me because we have stories where, Well, I think those are two different things, right True. Some people have more than one set of parents, correct?
Brad Aldrich:Right. So I think there is that natural, healthy, good loyalty that we need to wrestle with what does it mean? Yeah, At the same time, one of the things I love to point out is that we've misquoted the blood is thicker than water, idiom for well, ever.
Kate Aldrich:I have to be honest, I've never really thought that saying was great, but anyways, keep going.
Brad Aldrich:So yeah, I mean, but it's out there right, it is strange, and I think it's been made to say all the time. You know exactly what you were saying your blood has to come first, right when what the quote actually says is the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, than the water of the womb.
Brad Aldrich:So what it really means is kind of reflecting the Genesis verse of you will leave your father and mother form a covenant with somebody, and that will be thicker than anything else, that you will leave your family for them, right? And so it's actually talking about how our choice covenants with others are stronger than our family covenants, and that is not at all what it's come to mean out in society.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, that's very interesting.
Brad Aldrich:I think it's something that we need to at least wrestle with, because you know I think in today's day and age, based on how often we move away from you know, miles and miles away from their biological family that one of the things that I see as growing and as a positive growing is really identifying people who are your family.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:And bringing in the aunts and uncles and cousins and you know who are not biologically aunts and uncles and cousins and you know who are not biologically aunts and uncles and cousins right, we've definitely done that in our family, but I think for some people that's that's strange, odd, feels disloyal to your family. I don't know, I and it was something that wasn't, and it was something that wasn't that done in my family growing up. I had one set of that that I had when I was younger.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, Did you have some growing up that were not vile? Yeah, my parents did like with their closest friends. We grew up calling them aunt and uncle.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:So there was that. I don't feel like that was any other relationships, and it was basically those people who were in our lives when we were really young, I think, because it was always like, how do you refer to them Back? Then it would have been. Weird to say Mr and Mrs, but you also couldn't use their first name right, couldn't use their first name, so we always called them aunt or uncle, so that was really common. So I grew up with that best friend kind of mentality from my family.
Kate Aldrich:But that was about, that was about it yeah, and I think it.
Brad Aldrich:I mean, I don't think we ever really talked about you know, are we doing that with our family or whatever it just became?
Kate Aldrich:very natural. It did you mean with our friends?
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, with our friends to kind of you know special friends, including them as that.
Kate Aldrich:Yep exactly. And vice versa, like we have several friends who've included us as um you know, as aunt and uncle right well, and to the point where, like I know some of our kids, like they actually think that, right, these are my aunts and uncles. Right, I mean, they know they're not blood related like they do understand that, but like them, it is an aunt or an uncle. They have taken that space and fulfilled that role.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, really, yeah, and so Well, and it's interesting, the other year when I was teaching an intro to psych class, I had the kids do a genogram which is kind of a family tree map of your family tree genogram which is kind of a family tree map of your family tree. And I said I talked a little bit about this and said, hey, like if you have people who are significantly important in your life and in your family that you want to add, that you know don't have a branch, you can graft a branch on right and just put them there and see what that that is.
Brad Aldrich:And a few people did add some um that were, you know, significant in their, in their life. But I think that is a almost this odd thing of like okay, wait, how? How are these people in my family?
Kate Aldrich:right, and how will my family take that I did that? That's an interesting thought yeah, and I and I know for you like too, there's also some. There also can be some shifting within the family, like I know for you. You have one relative we'll just keep it generic who like. The place that that person is and how you feel about them is much closer than what, sure?
Brad Aldrich:absolutely no, absolutely, and um, yeah, I don't have a biological brother, but I do right like. So there I can. I can say Um, and I think that is a significant um thing for me and my relationship and um, I think even healing um for me and just seeing healthy family relationships.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, for sure, and I think, like um, I know, for me, I consider I have two, I have a group of really close friends, but then there are two in my life that I consider to be like my sisters, like the relationship that we have is what I've always hoped that I could have with siblings and please know I honor my siblings wherever they are and whatever they're doing. I've always tried to respect right where they're at. But it doesn't necessarily mean that we're in the physical proximity close to each other and that, as we talked about in the beginning, I think we're at different places in our journeys in life and our healing and it makes relationships and we have a parent who is in the middle of those it makes relationships complicated. They're complex.
Brad Aldrich:Complex is a good way to put it.
Kate Aldrich:It's not good or bad, it's complex, it's not simple and I definitely feel like that my family is in that space.
Brad Aldrich:So you're going back to the original thesis idea and going like these other family members don't replace your family, but they certainly do add to them.
Kate Aldrich:Exactly. Yeah, no, I don't think they. I think if we're replacing, unless someone's like not on earth anymore, I could see someone taking that place, so to speak. I think if we're replacing, we probably need to have conversations about that, because that speaks to some things. Has said it's okay to replace certain places but not others.
Brad Aldrich:So, for instance, we readily accept the role of a stepmom and a stepdad as a partial, and sometimes full replacement of that parent, sure. And yet we somehow don't accept you know friends or you know significant relationships in those ways as a replacement of you know siblings or extended family or that kind of thing.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, Well, I was actually just thinking like I grew up also with a person who was considered like another grandparent to me, and this would have been my mom, someone who was just significant in her life, in her teenage years, and I have no idea. My grandmother was a significant like. My actual grandmother was a significant person in my life until she passed away in 2005. And I never felt like there was animosity Like they didn't. We didn't necessarily do things together. They were very different people.
Brad Aldrich:Interesting.
Kate Aldrich:But like I almost grew up, my mom always said she's like a second mom to me and I didn't call her that. My parents made up some name that I don't know where it came from or quite understand it, but for her that was like a term of endearment. And but if we're going to be honest, this is an interesting term of endearment.
Kate Aldrich:There's a, my family did that with food, like they made up their own names about things. Anyways, side note, so I did grow up with that. I was just thinking about that because we were talking about aunts and uncles, but I did grow up with that and honoring her as another grandmother, so to speak. It wasn't quite the same, but I think for my mom it was. Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, I think that's really interesting. Yeah, I, I think that's really interesting and I think that does speak to why it was maybe a little bit easier for you to move into this realm of significant friends. Being that place of aunt and uncle is typically what we've done everybody's kind of family.
Kate Aldrich:I mean not everybody not everybody, no, it's. It is a there is differences, allowing people into that circle doesn't feel strange to me and I think to you.
Brad Aldrich:Sometimes it does I it can, um it can, but I think it is something that I've come to enjoy and embrace as um, as a positive, and I mean we've said this before, I think we've said it on the podcast before of you know, as parenting has gotten hard sometimes, we recognize that we have the need of having a outside third parent sometimes, that can help us and that's one of the kids' aunts, the kids' aunts, and being able to be a stress relief but also to be a support, can be really essential.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah, she, yes, and I think that that has been instrumental in our lives and I hope that we return the favor for her and I can't imagine our kids not growing up like when they come home from college, they can't wait to see. Her is something we've adopted and I so appreciate it because she has the bandwidth and she is local. That really does change right, so she's close by. But, yeah, I think those people become your family and I do also think there is a similar level going back to your thesis, apparently I'm like, wow, that sounds so official. There is a similar level of working on ourselves with that person in our lives that we're able to kind of join in that way. I'm not saying that it's bad that other people aren't at that level, but we've also been able to, I think, have confidence in that for both of us.
Kate Aldrich:Because, she kind of sees us as, I guess, parent number two and three. She's a single mom. So yeah, like we seem to be on the same journey or the same spot in our journeys.
Brad Aldrich:I you know I want to go maybe a slightly different way with this, because one of the conversations, you're abandoning the thesis.
Kate Aldrich:No, not at all.
Brad Aldrich:One of the conversations I've been having with guys lately is the challenge around male friendship and that so many men that I speak to are hungry, are really, really desiring deeper male friendships and yet they really struggle to have them. And some of it we understand right Like. As men. Our priorities often I'm not saying this is across the board, but often is, you know, family first, work second, you know all the things that need to get done third, and then somewhere in there is time for ourselves, which might include some time for friends, right Like. So I think for men it's quite a bit down the list of priorities when we get to friends often.
Kate Aldrich:Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich:So I think that's one of the consequences, but I also do think there is this place where male friendship. I was talking with somebody recently and I said like it is hard for men to get past the football level of friendship.
Kate Aldrich:Are we talking about American football or European football?
Brad Aldrich:It really doesn't matter in this case, because it's the we can talk about. You know something like sports or a hobby or something, and we can know all the things about that hobby. We can do the hobby together, we can enjoy that hobby together, but we don't actually know much about each other's lives. That's odd, well, but that's men right, I know. I'm just teasing and we focus and it's almost this catalyst for connection, but it also keeps us from connection.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:So it's this entry point into it, but it's also this thing that keeps us honestly surface level. And here you know, you're. Most of those significant relationships, family-level relationships, have come from your friends which you've cultivated and built. Those relationships, Me specifically.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, Thanks, I think.
Brad Aldrich:No, and I mean that I think that is a significant but you've been open to it.
Kate Aldrich:The key is thrifting thrift with your guy friends I don't think that would work.
Brad Aldrich:How do you?
Kate Aldrich:know check it out see it see if it might. Okay, I mean, I do honor. They're different. We've talked about some of the cultural differences, differences of why that is um, yeah, I'm, it's interesting to watch because women just have culturally been allowed to, yeah, go deep quick, and I do think some of that is difference in how the lord has um, designed us like. There are some, but then some of it is very much cultural, yeah, because, yeah, over the years you can see ebbs and flows in that area.
Brad Aldrich:But okay, and I think, yes, go deep quick is very, very true. I will look, though, also over the course of our life and say most of my deeper friendships as soon as distance or family stuff changed, having kids or something like that changed, those priorities shifted, and so most of my deeper male connections and relationships were for a time and look, I'm not saying that in negative, I think some friendships are just for a season, for a time.
Brad Aldrich:And that's okay, but I think that is many times more the case in male friendships, or maybe I'm just looking at myself friendships, or maybe I'm just looking at myself and that I think many times guys struggle to take the time that's needed to actually foster those relationships and, as you said, it can be a challenge with schedules.
Kate Aldrich:I mean, I think when our kids were younger, we made the decision for me to stay home. So then there was because we were in a neighborhood environment, there were more opportunities for me to chat with people, that kind of thing. So, yes, I can definitely see that. I do know now working I don't know part-time, three quarters of the time, I don't know what we'd call it, but being a working mom and I have high schoolers, it is more like you do have to be more intentional. Yeah, and it probably is higher up on my list than it is for you.
Brad Aldrich:Right right.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and it doesn't help that probably one of your best friends and your relative doesn't live near us.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:So there's that, and I think our third parent, who we have said, gets that distinguished honor. You know we do a lot of hanging out with her and you totally love that, but I think there is something where guys want guy relationships too, of course, and so, yeah, it's just all very um complex.
Brad Aldrich:We love that word complex. Well, I think where you know where we go with all of this conversation is back to the thesis, friends. I would really encourage you to think through. It's okay to think about who your family is and even inviting people into that special space.
Kate Aldrich:Do they know that you consider them family?
Brad Aldrich:I think that could be a really meaningful conversation, sometimes of just going like you are my family right. And inviting that in and saying, look, I know that might mean that we can't do Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving Day, but you are my family, I want to have time with you and having that meaningful time that says this is a significant relationship in my life, I think can be a really growing thing for both you in giving that, but also the person receiving it.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, for sure, and I just think, thinking about who your family is, community, all of that is important, it's so important. We can probably go further sometime of like what do we do when we find our actual family and ourselves are not? You know, we're just in different spaces, different walks, different journeys, and that is deeply impacting the relationship. Sure, different walks, different journeys, and that is deeply impacting the relationship. Sure, although, in my opinion, if you consider someone family, then they don't just exit that.
Brad Aldrich:No, that's right.
Kate Aldrich:Our actual biological family doesn't, and so to me, if they are family, then when there are hard things conflict whatever, it should be considered that we're going to figure this out. We're not just going to break the relationship.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:But that's so easy to do.
Brad Aldrich:We certainly are going to keep talking about this topic in how do we put up boundaries that help, but don't just exclude, right.
Kate Aldrich:Like I think there is that thing. How do we seek relationship when it is different and hard?
Brad Aldrich:And how do we repair when things don't go well? So, those are all topics that we'll probably be getting into this season, so looking forward to spending some more time talking about who's our family and where do we go, as we're growing and learning and changing.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, we'd love to know. You know what perspective you come from and how your families have your family has brought those people in or if that's been hard. Yeah, I'd be very curious to hear from different people all over the world of how they have thought about and live this out in their families.
Brad Aldrich:Absolutely, that's great. Well, we hope that you enjoyed that conversation, got some things thinking for you, and we are really excited to continue this journey with you. Until next time. I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on still becoming one.