Taking One for the Team: When Sex Feels One-Sided

Can a healthy marriage include moments where one partner "takes one for the team" sexually? This candid conversation tackles the sensitive reality of differing desire levels and how couples navigate intimacy when interest isn't mutual.

We explore this often used metaphor and unpack how this dynamic typically unfolds - often with one partner silently sacrificing while harboring resentment, and the other sensing something's off but unable to name it. The result? Disconnection where connection was intended.

There are healthier alternatives, true intimacy requires honest dialogue where both partners can express desire without undue pressure and decline without causing undue rejection. 

Whether you're struggling with mismatched desire levels or want to deepen your understanding of sexual dynamics in marriage, this episode offers compassionate guidance grounded in both professional experience and the hosts' journey.

Still Becoming One
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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Still Becoming One
• 1:47 Upcoming Marriage Workshop Announcement
• 5:50 Taking One for the Team: Understanding the Metaphor
• 9:33 Honest Communication About Sexual Desire
• 18:22 Transitioning from Daily Life to Intimacy
• 23:14 Showing Up as a Giver
• 29:50 Different Responses to Stress
• 35:00 Concluding Thoughts and Invitation for Feedback

Transcript

Introduction to Still Becoming One

Brad Aldrich 0:04

Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.

Kate Aldrich 0:10

In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.

Brad Aldrich 0:15

Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.

Kate Aldrich 0:23

We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.

Brad Aldrich 0:27

Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, and welcome to Still Becoming One. Hello. I am so glad to be back again today. We've been having fun, Mm-hmm. We've been having fun, yeah, talking to all of you again and thinking through ideas for future podcast episodes and guests for future podcast episodes. Mm-hmm, I think it's going to be some good stuff. Yeah for sure. You'll just have to pay attention to it. Stay tuned for announcements.

Kate Aldrich 1:03

Full disclosure. This is an evening session.

Brad Aldrich 1:06

Yeah, so right last time we said you have to have evening sessions to have me have energy here it is, we are different morning to evening, so we'll see how this goes, that's for sure. It's good, it's good. So, yeah, what should we be chatting about before we get started in our thing?

Kate Aldrich 1:27

Oh like, do we need to discuss anything parent-wise? I don't know. Yeah, right here on the air.

Brad Aldrich 1:33

Yeah, dealing with issues I have no idea.

Upcoming Marriage Workshop Announcement

Kate Aldrich 1:36

No, I don't think so. Okay, we just had dinner and one of our kiddos is at some of her programs she goes to, and the other one was wolfing down dinner and leaving and she's gone to college this August. And I said to Brad uh, this is going to be us like a lot, what's it going to be like? And he said well, I'll be making dinner.

Brad Aldrich 2:00

Cause she's already said she's done.

Kate Aldrich 2:02

Yes, I said well, I said retirement, but yes, I think that should be once the kids are all gone, I'm done cooking. I don't know if that's going to work. Unfortunately, Brad thinks that dinner is required every evening, and my children do too honestly and in all honesty, I do cook often.

Brad Aldrich 2:23

I cook tonight, thankfully, so I do help make that happen.

Kate Aldrich 2:29

Oh you're fantastic. The children rave about your food and, honestly, this is not talking down on myself, but I don't enjoy it, and so I've already proclaimed in retirement. Brad is cooking for us all the time, so that's my plan. We'll see how it goes. Brad knows that I would be more than happy to eat sandwiches every dinner of my life.

Brad Aldrich 2:53

I guess Therein lies the problem.

Kate Aldrich 2:55

And my children are like sandwiches again.

Brad Aldrich 2:58

I'm like no, I need some variety.

Kate Aldrich 3:01

So that's what we were doing. Today's been a pretty good admin day here at Aldridge Ministries.

Brad Aldrich 3:07

It has. It's been a busy, busy week and busy day. We were speaking both of us speaking and sharing at a conference this last weekend and, yeah, that went well. It's always fun, but exhausting, to share those kind of things.

Kate Aldrich 3:26

Yeah, it was so good. It was a mental health seminar for women at our home church and our dear friend and pastor, lindsay Latzbaugh, knocked it out of the park, she organized it and it was just a phenomenal event. So it was tiring but it was just so, so good. It's just awesome to be a part of really good church ministry that is informed and not afraid to talk about mental health things, not afraid to talk about all the nuances of story, work on mental health and why it's important to think about those parts of your life and understanding your story and how that helps.

Kate Aldrich 4:16

Yeah, and Brad, the lone wolf guy, shared on anxiety and even though that's not his favorite wheelhouse to share on, I know he did a really good job because I know his heart and how much he just wants people to feel that what they're going through is not abnormal. Sometimes the levels can be abnormal, but and just having them give them resources that they can feel feel good about reaching out to to, yeah, have some help with that.

Brad Aldrich 4:51

Yep, so it was good.

Kate Aldrich 4:53

It was a great day.

Brad Aldrich 4:54

So and it got publicly announced, I think for the first time that we are doing a still becoming one marriage workshop here, in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. Yeah. We'll be hosting it at reality Church on the end of May. It's actually the last Saturday in May and, yeah, it's going to be, I guess, a half-day workshop.

Kate Aldrich 5:18

Yeah, I think it was like eight to two, eight to two, yeah, something like that. And again, our home church is joining us in that, so we're super excited to partner with them and have really good conversations.

Brad Aldrich 5:31

So, yeah, there will be more information on our website about that. If you want to go to aldrichministriescom slash events you can find out all about that workshop too. That's great.

Taking One for the Team: Understanding the Metaphor

Kate Aldrich 5:45

So our topic tonight Taking one for the team Dun dun dun. Are we talking about American football, european football, baseball, hockey? What are we talking about?

Brad Aldrich 5:57

Sex.

Kate Aldrich 5:58

Oh, okay, alrighty then. Yeah, this is a question that we often get, and I often get asked specifically so what does it mean?

Brad Aldrich 6:11

so let's break down the metaphor to start. Well right, what does it even hang?

Kate Aldrich 6:15

on man. You in the evening, you're just on top of it, plowing ahead. As you say we often get it. I will be honest that more often than not we, we get the question from women, but that doesn't mean it isn't a question rolling around in men's heads about sex or the lower drive, spouse, whatever wording you're comfortable with. No shame just talking about um, that person who, for them, uh, the ideal would be less and the the metaphor right. I think it actually comes from baseball, if I'm not incorrect, because I grew up in a baseball family, believe it or not, baseball, softball, and it is like um, when I don't even does it come from like pinch hitters sacrifice you.

Brad Aldrich 7:09

You hit a sacrifice. Fly to get the runner to move forward or a bunt.

Kate Aldrich 7:13

It could be lots of different things.

Brad Aldrich 7:15

Yes, you, basically sacrifice yourself to, to move, to advance the runner, advance the runner, okay that's what I was like.

Kate Aldrich 7:22

I don't know if it's specific to a play, but yeah. So basically I will throw myself on the line so that we can move forward and potentially score essentially yeah, so that's the like.

Brad Aldrich 7:34

That's the idea is. Is one person in the relationship wants sex and the other person doesn't? Right, so so so then the question is what do we do Like is the in that situation? Is the answer automatically no. Is the answer always yes? Is the answer like somewhere in the middle, and is it possible for one person to go through and pleasure, have an orgasm, and for the other person not?

Kate Aldrich 8:11

to Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think it's a complicated question, I think. First, since Brad told me to take the lead with this one I'd love to talk about when-. Come on.

Brad Aldrich 8:22

you know why I don't want to get in trouble here to talk about when you know why.

Kate Aldrich 8:28

I don't want to get in trouble, oh my goodness, seriously. Um, when, like when, when someone one of the two in the relationship is doing this behind the scenes, like they think their spouse doesn't know, like they're not interested, but maybe they feel a lot of pressure, maybe they feel a lot of shame, maybe they feel like it's been a really long time, maybe they've heard really bad church or Christian messages that says, if you don't, your spouse will stray, like all of these things.

Honest Communication About Sexual Desire

Kate Aldrich 8:55

So first I'd like to address when it's like going on in someone's head but it is not communicated between the two, communicated between the two, and in that situation, I would just encourage you being truthful, figuring out how to have an honest conversation, though that probably sounds really hard, right, because this subject comes with all kinds of stigmas, all kinds of expectations, all kinds of pressures from the church, from family, what you grew up, how you were taught. I honor that, but I really would encourage. It's something the two of you need to talk about.

Brad Aldrich 9:33

Yeah, I would 100% agree, and the reason why is because part of the overall desire, part of the overall mix of what sexual intimacy is for most men, is this desire to give pleasure as well as receive pleasure. So I know it sounds often like women talk to us all the time and it says my husband just is interested in release and that happens.

Brad Aldrich 10:12

But that's really not the case is most of the time men are very interested in giving their spouse pleasure and wanting to know that they can give their spouse pleasure, which I know that puts a layer of pressure on a lot of wives, but I think it is important to have that recognition that that is part of what most men think about, as sexual intimacy is both of us having pleasure, and so when we're talking about taking one for the team, we're changing that.

Kate Aldrich 10:52

And I think it's important to remember this isn't always men thinking that, women thinking this. No, correct.

Kate Aldrich 11:01

Again, we always want to be kind and realize that stereotypes hurt people, but I do think statistically it is higher, no, correct, the higher drive wife like. It's not always the case and the husband may very much be feeling this of like. Do I just take one for the team? And you know, figure that out. And you know, as you said many times, there is that desire to bring their spouse pleasure as well, right, so that definitely plays into it and I think we do need to remember that, although there are, sometimes people are not in a great space and it is, or it appears, all about just getting their own pleasure.

Brad Aldrich 11:55

Right.

Kate Aldrich 11:55

But to me that's why conversations are really important and I know this is a real raw conversation. But talking to your spouse because I know for me that was at a time in our marriage that was very like revolutionary I'm not sure it necessarily helped me at the time as the lower drive spouse that you also wanted to bring me pleasure, I don't know.

Kate Aldrich 12:22

I can't like say that that made me motivated more, but it did help me to think he is in this for the two of us, not just for what I can do or fulfilling that desire. Some people call it a need. It is a desire. You're not going to die without sex. It's important to remember that Sometimes it may feel that way, right? I mean, god did design us as married couples to have it, so it is supposed to be a part of it. But yeah, so I'm not sure that that necessarily helped me, but as far as motivating or moving me in the direction that I hoped to go because that's the other thing me in the direction that I hoped to go, cause that's the other thing Many times for the lower drive spouse, they do hope to like they don't want to be the lower drive spouse.

Kate Aldrich 13:11

I think sometimes people get in complacency with it or they just get so depressed that it's not different. But most times people don't want to be in that place and I I think I don't know was that helpful for you to know that I didn't want to be in that place.

Brad Aldrich 13:24

Oh, it was very helpful, right? Because then I can kind of go. It's not because she doesn't like me, it's not because she doesn't like sex. Oh my gosh, I've never not liked you, it's not because she, you know, thinks my body is gross Like all of these kind of things that get in the higher drive head right.

Kate Aldrich 13:46

Like is there's these things.

Brad Aldrich 13:47

She thinks I'm gross, or she didn't know that kind of thing it's really easy to think those things, and so I do think this is a really important conversation because the higher drive spouse notices when somebody is just taking one for the team and and what it communicates is I don't really want you, I'm not really interested, you aren't turning me on right, like, so it can become this huge negative thing if it's not communicated.

Kate Aldrich 14:17

That's interesting. Yeah, I mean I and we're just going to talk this out right here I've never thought that and I mean I think you've known that for a really long time now.

Brad Aldrich 14:27

I have.

Kate Aldrich 14:27

I've never thought that. I mean I think our teenagers wish we thought that of each other, more, that we thought each other were gross.

Brad Aldrich 14:36

We just grossed them out. That's all right, yeah, so sometimes.

Kate Aldrich 14:39

I think they would prefer that at times. But yeah, I think that in this same direction, even though we're talking about taking one for the team, remembering your lower drive spouse also has all kinds of things going through their head, like they only want me for sex. They don't actually enjoy me, they don't enjoy my body any other time.

Brad Aldrich 15:02

They don't actually want me any other time.

Kate Aldrich 15:05

Right, right, and I don't know how many times we've heard. You could replace me with anybody and my spouse would be fine.

Brad Aldrich 15:13

And that's just not the case. It just isn't.

Kate Aldrich 15:16

And I'm not going to speak for all guys, but remember what I said, I never felt that way towards you and if what I'm hearing is you never felt that way towards me. But those, as you said, these are the things rattling around in a higher drive. Spouse's head. These are the things rattling around in a higher drive spouse's head.

Brad Aldrich 15:33

These are the things rattling around in the lower drives and it's just important to know that.

Brad Aldrich 15:38

So how do we coach people to have this conversation, like if you're saying like, okay, and this is one of the things I talk about all the time with higher drive spouses is going, and this is one of the things I talk about all the time with higher drive spouses is going, all right, guys, you need to figure out how to communicate your desire in a loving way, right? It cannot be like you want to, right, it cannot be gross or you know any of those kinds of things. It can't even just be like, you know, testing the waters. That's what I used to do when we were younger, married of like wait, we're not young.

Brad Aldrich 16:18

I'd give you a kiss when you came home and I'd be like oh, all right, she's not interested, right, like and and just, but like. I would just assume, based on you know how you know your mood is, if I was going to get lucky or not, which, like that, is just so unhealthy friends.

Kate Aldrich 16:37

He's pacing my mood really, dude.

Brad Aldrich 16:40

That was probably not but that no, of course it's not like spit up and all kinds of crap on me. I haven't showered in days and this is why it doesn't work very well, like because it we just you know, so it doesn't work.

Brad Aldrich 16:53

And then this is also the problem is, so often we hear from couples that you know my wife or my husband won't even touch me unless we're going to move towards having sex, and so they use things like intimate touch as a kind of testing the waters to see if it's going to lead to sex and that has such damage because really it means all the hugs end up stopping if the other person doesn't want to have sex, they get into this place of well, I can't give them a hug, or they're going to think.

Kate Aldrich 17:30

It's just avoidance in general, so it becomes this really negative spiral.

Brad Aldrich 17:34

So we cannot have expressions of desire that are just nonverbal.

Kate Aldrich 17:41

You know. You said how do we have the conversation? Here's the reality. You're having the conversation anyways. And I know you said people test the waters and probably the lower drive spouse is moving away. Yes, those things are happening, but you're having arguments about it.

Brad Aldrich 17:55

Absolutely.

Transitioning from Daily Life to Intimacy

Kate Aldrich 17:56

And, in my opinion, one of you being kind and gentle and saying you know, I know we're really missing each other in this area. I know I'm making mistakes, I know I'm still learning how to cherish you in this way. You know, I think we need to have some conversations about it, but in my opinion, you've probably most likely both said some things you shouldn't have. Or there's tone, or there's disappointment and hurt. There's tone, or there's disappointment and hurt. So I really do think it takes someone, you know, sort of approaching it in a very gentle, kind way. Also, in order to do that, you kind of got to own your own part of it, and maybe you're not owning the specifics, but, like I know, I'm not always making you feel cherished or I'm not always making you feel desired, or whatever that may be.

Kate Aldrich 18:54

Um, I think that's going to open the door more than anything. Um, I think sometimes people need a third party person to help and I'm not just promoting us as that. Sometimes that's mentors, people who have a good marriage, um, could be parental figures or or a coach or a counselor. Like to help. You guys have that conversation where everyone feels like they can use their voice in a safe space. Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't feel safe anymore if it's gotten to a place where words are used and all that kind of stuff.

Brad Aldrich 19:29

But I want to, and I totally agree with all of that. I think sometimes we need some help because we've dug into pretty negative patterns. But I want to simplify this right, Like the metaphor is here of take one for the team, because even in baseball it is something that occasionally happens.

Kate Aldrich 19:50

right, that we occasionally yeah, it doesn't happen very often actually.

Brad Aldrich 19:53

No, it doesn't happen very often, but occasionally, for some reason, it's like, yeah, it's okay, and with communication, with everyone knowing what's going on, there's nothing wrong with this. In fact, it can be really a positive giving opportunity.

Kate Aldrich 20:14

Well, hang on before we get there. Usually when I get this question I don't know how you respond because you probably get it way less than I do, but I always say number one, like it's better to be honest, right, it's not good to do the inside the head game thing Because, as Brad said, you can kind of tell when or sense when someone is just there showing up physically, it is a different way you're going to engage, it's a different experience, all kinds of things. So that the number two thing that I tell women is stop before you answer yes or no and think could I be interested? And I am not asking you, you know you've, you're completely exhausted, you've had a migraine, whatever. I'm not telling you. There aren't times it's a flat out no, not tonight, and that needs to be honored, right, and maybe you don't even know why, maybe there's no specific reason why. That's also okay if you're just not in that space. So first of all I want to be completely clear If you say no, that should be honored and your spouse has to learn to work through the emotions they feel about that, I would encourage you to try to say no kindly, because that's the posture we should have towards each other.

Kate Aldrich 21:34

But if it's not that thought out, no, asking yourself like I don't know, could I be interested in that? And I know that that became vital to me, especially as a mom with young kids. I don't find it as much with our older kids they don't need us for as much and all that kind of stuff. But to stop myself and what I was doing, you know, like all the daily chores and actually say to myself, well, I don't know, I wasn't thinking about that tonight because, honestly, I'm thinking about 50 other things. Could that be something I could be interested in? And ask yourself that.

Kate Aldrich 22:10

And sometimes I would say to Brad, yeah, I could be interested if you put the kids to bed and I get to go get a shower, or right, like not that I'm bartering, but like I often found with my kids being young, I often needed a transition. I couldn't just go from mom was spit up all over me making the meals, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, playing outside with the kids, and then just be like, okay, sure, I'm now this sexy mom, right, like I often needed a transition. And even sometimes, now that we're older, it's like okay, well, I was finishing work and I wasn't thinking about that. Give me a few minutes. Sometimes it's only just a few minutes. I need to go to the bathroom. I need to like wash my face. Just think about that instead of whatever I was thinking about, like just switching gears.

Showing Up as a Giver

Brad Aldrich 23:02

I think and that's so important right, I think we should build that in, and I think sometimes, when we get stressed and tired and time is short, we go, or we expect our spouse to go, to the fast version most of the time, and that is just not usually a healthy thing to do so I think we, as the higher drive spouses, should also be thinking about. What does it look like to give my spouse the transition time?

Brad Aldrich 23:41

if they, if they need it right to mentally get there and and so yes, I 100 agree. A a wife saying, okay, sure, I'd love to get my head around, that it's going to take me 20 minutes. Can you put the kids to bed? Can you do the dishes? Can you like whatever Grocery?

Kate Aldrich 24:06

shop. Do all the things.

Brad Aldrich 24:07

Hey now, this is not about tit for tat.

Kate Aldrich 24:10

If you can do my whole list for the week, I'll be here when you're done. This is not about tit for tat.

Brad Aldrich 24:12

If you can do my whole list for the week, I'll be here when you're done tit for tat oh yes, I understand, but it is about giving the person some space to think about it right, which we've talked about before, as sex is supposed to be something that happens all day, not just well, well, we say foreplay. Foreplay sorry, Not sex all day. Foreplay should be happening all day.

Kate Aldrich 24:37

I don't know about you, but that sounds really strange and not possible, but okay.

Brad Aldrich 24:43

But let's even kind of go to those places where the lower drive spouse is like I just can't and this is sometimes, guys, it really is Absolutely that is, they're like I just can't, you know they're tired and really feel like they can't. That's okay, you know. Or a wife who's like I really just can't. Show up that way right now. How do they communicate that? No, but I'm willing to give you an orgasm, I'm willing to pay attention to you.

Kate Aldrich 25:21

So you're not talking about the. I'm willing to get myself into that space. You're actually talking about taking one for the team.

Brad Aldrich 25:27

If I'm not, I'm willing, like, because I think we have three choices. It's the I'm interested. All right, let me get my head around it. I'm interested, I'm not so sure I'm there but I'm willing right, I'm willing to give or no, I really can't tonight right.

Kate Aldrich 25:47

I think the trouble becomes with I want to be a giver, um, I still express to women that needs to be vocalized like correct. Or or to men I'm happy to give, um, but that's, that's all I'm up for this evening. And but that should not feel pressured, that should feel because you literally want to give to your spouse and I think, um, it's always important to remember with that like, and this is how sex works, which is amazing. That could change, right. So, and and I think the other spouse should always like, respond in kindness well, if that changes in the middle or at the end, let me know, right, because that is how you know one of us being stimulated is not uncommon. For the other one to feel that desire then. So I I think that can be done. I just think you have to be good communicators and you need to just say yes, but this is me wanting to give to you tonight and I'm happy to do that. Right, we want to actually express that like that brings me joy, to do that. Yeah.

Kate Aldrich 26:55

But I'm just not in a space where I want to receive.

Brad Aldrich 26:59

I'm going to start this by talking a little bit of mechanics. All right, so with talking about mechanics, what we have to recognize is if your spouse can communicate hey, I'm willing to be a giver.

Brad Aldrich 27:14

then that is going to change what happens right and we need to be respectful of the fact that they are in the place of wanting to give, and that can be great, but then we have to figure out what that looks like. It's going to naturally change what we quote-unquote do right, and I think that needs to be part of the conversation.

Kate Aldrich 27:38

I do, and I was just thinking if someone says I'm willing to give tonight, I think the next conversation is okay. What does that look like for you? Because I don't. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I don't think the receiver, they can make requests but they can't be demanding, because if that person's not up for it, we're talking the male or the female, we're talking about different body functions and how it all works and whatnot. But there may be things that you're not willing to do. So like. I mean, I think you're kind of going this direction, but if a wife says I'm willing to give, that may not mean that she's willing to receive penetration, correct.

Kate Aldrich 28:22

Right and just kind of lay there. So like I don't know, like we're not suggesting it has to be one thing or another, if that's something she's open to. Like I just think we don't assume things Correct and we can make requests but the giver gets a say and like, yeah, I'm up for that, yeah, I'm not, because they're the ones saying I'm willing to give. But there's obviously a reason they are not in a space to receive.

Brad Aldrich 28:50

I think some of the language that we're stumbling upon that is somehow sometimes different than this conversation of take one for the team is, I think, often what it's seen as one person is passive and just receives and then, like, what we're talking about and I think this is so important is that the person who's taking one for the team should be the giver. Right, it isn't just passivity, it is I'm actively loving and caring for my spouse because I'm choosing to at this time and I want to, and I want to give them that, and I think that's just such a different way than this is normally talked about.

Different Responses to Stress

Kate Aldrich 29:41

Yeah, I don't know. There's definitely some important conversations to have there. I feel like that's a kind of a muddy field and that's where this just gets very confusing and where we end up with people feeling pressured and expectations and it's always got to be this way. And that's why Brad and I are saying, like it really needs to be in a place where you can communicate about it. And I would actually go out as far to say if you guys aren't in a space to communicate about it, well then it should be a no Correct.

Kate Aldrich 30:14

Right, no, we always say like we should be able to express, because it's just too damaging potentially.

Brad Aldrich 30:20

Right, like the ideal is, you need to be able to have language to express your desire without undue pressure. Right, and so if it's getting to this place where it feels like I'm pressuring your partner, that's not going to be healthy for your relationship. Right and yes. On the other side, we should be able to communicate no without undue rejection. So I can't really think about that right now. I love you so much and we don't want to have the. You're disgusting because you want this to go with the feeling of no.

Speaker 3 31:02

Right, and you're not disgusting if you don't want it to, because I think that's important, but there's, so it goes both ways it does, it does, but I will tell you there's so often there's something wrong.

Brad Aldrich 31:12

There's something wrong with you, yeah, which is different message, but still is devastating yeah, I tell you and this is because I'm talking with guys I will tell you. Often I hear from guys who do get thrown at that you know, how could you want that? That's all you think about, that's all you care about, that kind of message.

Kate Aldrich 31:34

Okay, but those two are different. How could you want that? I don't understand that. It's God designed, right. Like that's a different message than that's all you want. Yeah, how could you want it? And you only ever want it. Those are different, right? So I feel like all you ever want is probably more what you're hearing and maybe not. Sometimes I'm sure you're hearing the like why would you want it? Well, god designed it. But I do understand. Lots of people grow up in church hearing. It's disgusting and it's gross, but save it for marriage because that'll be great which is that, you know, is so super confusing to your mind, to your body.

Kate Aldrich 32:17

It's so super confusing to your mind, to your body. I think I don't know. For our journey there was never the thought of how could you want it? It was always just feeling like you wanted it a whole lot more than I did.

Brad Aldrich 32:31

And I definitely think you did that well. I will tell you, I talked to somebody. That's very kind of you. I talked to somebody very recently who they ended up having an argument with their wife because they both had a bad day. And her bad day she was like I just want to be alone, don't have anyone touch me, and his bad day was yeah, it would all just be so much better if we just had sex.

Kate Aldrich 32:59

She wanted to sit in her hotel room with her diet Sprite from Date Night. Yes, we love that movie.

Brad Aldrich 33:05

That's right, and it is just how they were wired differently. But he was like, oh my gosh, the only thing I could think about was how much if we just had sex, everything would be so much better. And I'm like that is just how you're wired.

Kate Aldrich 33:24

There's nothing wrong with you because you're thinking that, but it won't necessarily make everything better. That's a fallacy. But yes, sex is a connector. It's a connector, it's a relaxer, it's a. You know all of these kind of things.

Brad Aldrich 33:32

So there is truth in what he was trying to think through. Sure, and I also said, just because that's where your brain went we have to honor our spouse, and where they're at right, there has to be that place of honoring.

Kate Aldrich 33:53

And I think too this is me coming from the other side like the lord wouldn't make one thing. The end like like if we just had sex it would make everything better. I'm getting off on a tangent here, but there's not just one answer to that. Yes, I honor that. For him, in that moment, sex felt like the connector and the thing that would make so much of that stress come down.

Kate Aldrich 34:20

But there's just never one answer that's going to fix all of those self-care things there's not because if there is, we're in trouble because right, and so I hear that and that might be his preference. But there are other things too that can help. Same and same with a wife like it's not just, or with a lower drive spouse. I'm not trying to dishonor that, I'm just saying, um, there are many times I'm like shopping would just make this all better. Right now, thrifting specifically, and the reality is it makes it better for a few minutes.

Concluding Thoughts and Invitation for Feedback

Brad Aldrich 34:57

It doesn't mean like it does not fix everything and you're you are exactly right, you, you are correct. It is not a fix all or end all, but there are places where sex is an important part of an intimate marriage yes, right so we need to.

Kate Aldrich 35:15

We need to think through it's not the same as thrifting, then Is that what you're saying? Just kidding, just kidding.

Brad Aldrich 35:24

So, all in all, we're saying it can be okay to take one for the team, either gender, but it has to be talked about. It can't be a hidden take one for the team and it can't be an expected. You have to take one for the team.

Kate Aldrich 35:38

Right, and if you aren't in a place where you can communicate about it, then it just needs to be a no until you figure out how to communicate about it.

Brad Aldrich 35:47

well, okay I have a feeling we might get some comments on this one and push back, and I would love to hear it right, I would.

Brad Aldrich 35:56

Every time we talk about sex, we get some pushback on it, so we would love to hear your thoughts and you know, yeah, just your experience, so you can certainly reach out to us at help at still becoming one, and we would love to, you know, hear your thoughts and hear your questions about all of this as well. You know, hear your thoughts and hear your questions about all of this as well, and, yeah, we're just looking forward to continuing to explore some really important topics that come along as we're on this journey of becoming one. Yeah.

Brad Aldrich 36:31

All right, Well, until next time. I'm Brad Aldrich.

Kate Aldrich 36:35

And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.

Brad Aldrich 36:41

Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.