Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Unmasking Imitation Self-Care
What happens when the very strategies we develop to care for ourselves actually pull us away from our partners? In this eye-opening exploration of "imitation self-care," we dive into the complex ways our coping mechanisms can disguise themselves as healthy practices while undermining our relationships. Imitation self-care is challenging to identify because it often contains elements of genuine care. Exercise, comfort foods, and even music can be legitimately nourishing or secretly destructive depending on the emotional motivation behind them.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich:Yes, welcome back.
Brad Aldrich:We are so glad to be here and keeping on this journey of what does it mean to become closer together in our relationships.
Kate Aldrich:Yep.
Brad Aldrich:So all right, before we dive into this big old topic, what's been going on with us?
Kate Aldrich:Oh man, I don't even know. Oh, with you and me. Yeah, oh, this is our check-in, yeah.
Kate Aldrich:People told you this week that they like to hear it when we argue on air we've actually, and I told that that person like we've that's not the first time we've heard that people so they like to see us flesh out things. I'm not always certain I like that, but not that I'm embarrassed by it or I don't mind anyone hearing it or seeing it. I think the thing for me is when we go so far down a road, then I'm not in a place to want to podcast the way that I like to podcast we have only done that once.
Brad Aldrich:Disclosure right like what, where we've then said like we can't we have only had one episode that went in the trash because we did not process it well.
Kate Aldrich:And we ended up waiting and redoing it.
Brad Aldrich:We actually redid the episode and had the conversation and still disagreed and talked about it, but we did it better.
Kate Aldrich:We were both, I wouldn't say it's better or worse. We were both too activated, correct, and we've only had one where we were both. I wouldn't say it's better or worse. We were both too activated, correct, and we've only had one where we were recording.
Brad Aldrich:Let's be clear, um sometimes before we hit record right we've.
Kate Aldrich:We've had a handful of times where it's happened, where we're talking about the subject before we go on online on air and then we never make it to on air. So there is that yes, happened a couple times, I guess so when you asked how we're doing, are you suggesting that I'm gonna start a fight?
Brad Aldrich:no, no, not at all, I think I think this stuff is is really good. No, I'm just meaning it. You know we're sunny it's sunny and nice and yeah.
Kate Aldrich:It's been a busy week and I'm looking forward. We're podcasting, not on our normal day, so today's date night, so I'm looking forward to that because we you know, in our home it's just Monday through Friday is long and a lot, and we get to Friday night and it feels like an exhale.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah absolutely, and you know we haven't talked about date night stuff on here for a long time.
Kate Aldrich:The controversial topic of date night.
Brad Aldrich:Exactly, it is right, but we have made this a priority in our marriage for at least the last 10 years probably a little more than that that we've tried to keep a date night every week.
Kate Aldrich:Weekly, unless my memory serves me wrong. So we might have an argument about this. We started during COVID because we realized how stressed we were. We were doing regular date nights before that, but we weren't like it wasn't a day of the week every week because the kids were younger, believe it or not, during COVID. Everyone was home during COVID and so it did. It did look different. We definitely um prioritized our time and our three older were so used to that, our youngest one coming in. That's been a hard adjustment for her, but it was actually during covid. We were both like, okay, we're gonna go insane, we can't go out. And so that's when we started. We made that door hanger that said we love you, but go away, we're on date night and we would just sit in our room every friday night because we couldn't go anywhere.
Kate Aldrich:Um the times when the weather was fine, we would sit out on our back patio but and just sit chat watch a movie.
Brad Aldrich:We didn't have a lot of options, as you all know but I think that actually says something really good about date night, like because I think many people don't do it because it's like, oh my gosh, I have to get a babysitter, oh my goodness I, we don't have money to go out, like all those kind of things. We for us night is it is time for just the two of us. It is time for us to be spending together. It doesn't mean that we're going out. It doesn't mean that we're doing anything other than spending time together. Yes, sometimes we'll go out, sometimes we'll go get coffee, sometimes we'll go to the restaurant, but a lot of times we're spending time just the two of us somewhere you know, by ourselves, I would actually say that was our norm until after COVID, honestly.
Kate Aldrich:So our kids are older, our resources are different, like it. That us doing more out was actually a result of a lot of things, but those being the main two. And so we usually did date nights in. Maybe once every couple of months we'd go out honestly, or sometimes we get takeout and bring it home and whatever. Yeah, we just it's just really time for us and so, anyways, I feel like I got off on on that side note. We're we're doing well. I think it's been a long week, but I feel like I got off on that side note. We're doing well, I think.
Kate Aldrich:It's been a long week, but I feel like we feel that every week.
Brad Aldrich:I do. But you know what and this is one of the reasons to have date night and we've said this before of like there is for me, of just knowing that that break is coming, is this place of like. Okay, it's Thursday night, I can get there another 24 hours I can like we're going to have this break and and enjoy some downtime together, which I think is really important.
Kate Aldrich:And I you know we always want to be honoring when you talk about our kiddos and and not be explicit with what's happening with them. But living in a home the way that we do, there is a trauma response in you and I. That is like our capacity beyond what we do with Aldridge Ministries, which is so important, and taking care of the girls, we don't have much capacity beyond that. We are in a stage and we're hopeful that will not always be that way. So we don't often do capacity beyond that. We are in a stage and we're hopeful that will not always be that way. So we don't often do a lot on weekends and Friday night kind of starts that, unless our kids have things, and so we kind of just like work real hard all week and then figure out ways to take care of ourselves well throughout the weekend.
Brad Aldrich:So, yeah, ways to take care of ourselves well throughout the weekend. So yeah, and I think this actually moves us into this really important topic that we were going to be talking about is this idea of good self-care and imitation self-care. And we've recognized we've been talking about this for a while of there are things that enter every marriage, every relationship, that at times end up pulling us away from each other, and they often are this idea of imitation, self-care, things we think we're doing for self-care but often aren't that healthy.
Kate Aldrich:Hmm, yeah, I didn't think about the pulling us away, but that kind of makes sense. This is a concept that I've been just been rolling around in my head and I keep saying to Brad we need to figure out some way to give this words and language, as Brad does, a lot of journey groups through Jay Stringer's unwanted material. You know it's always been interesting to me how there is a part called arousal template where you well, you probably actually would be able to share it way better than me. So what is the concept around that without getting isn't specifically about unwanted sexual behavior, but what is the concept of that within the course?
Brad Aldrich:Okay, so the arousal template in unwanted sexual behavior context, in Jay Stringer's work and whatnot, is defined as the total constellation of thoughts, images, behavior, sounds, sights, fantasies that arouse us sexually. But specifically, and I always kind of add this, it is this unwanted arousal template. Right, because there is good parts of those. Right, there's the thoughts, sounds, images of your spouse, those kind of things that are good parts of arousal template. But there tends to be this unwanted, this negative template that we end up going to when we don't necessarily recognize this. In fact, this is part of doing this hard work is we recognize we're going to it over and over again and we're looking for this. In fact, I was talking with one of my guys in my group recently and he said you know, there's times that it's like oh, I found this like pot of gold, this perfect like thing, and exploring what that is and why it's perfect, which they have no concept of Like. There's no like. Oh, I get why this is perfect. The recognition is that those things are developed out of our trauma.
Kate Aldrich:Right.
Brad Aldrich:Right. And so the arousal template is so directly connected to our trauma stories that we are often trying to either repeat trauma in a way of almost trying to fix it, we're repeating it, we're trying to bring a positive spin to this traumatic thing that's happened over and over and over again.
Kate Aldrich:Or to understand it.
Brad Aldrich:Or understand it, or we're trying to reverse it, we're trying to flip the script so that maybe I'm not the one who was powerless, or maybe I'm not the one who was being embarrassed, or maybe I'm not right.
Kate Aldrich:Wouldn't that be fixing it. That's what I've always kind of said. You're either trying to that's what I've always kind of said Like you're either trying to understand it better by repeating it or, as you said, or that flipping it is actually fixing it in a way. I think both can be fixing it.
Brad Aldrich:That's true, and I don't want to get too graphic here, but somebody who's been sexually abused can go to an arousal template where they are choosing to get sexually abused. There's still that choice part to it.
Kate Aldrich:Right, right.
Brad Aldrich:Like they're choosing it in this way of fixing it, but they're repeating the thing that happened. And I say this with a little caution on air because, look, I've worked with guys who have had these arousal templates for years Right Years and years, and years and years, and they have no concept that it is at all connected to their trauma.
Kate Aldrich:Right Until we unwind that together. Shame so it doesn't, but they yeah. So I asked Brad to kind of talk about that because it's that concept that I've learned about through, you know, brad's own journey and working with men through the journey course. That it kind of was rattling around in my brain and I was like, but wait a second. We all kind of do this, but not necessarily with the arousal template like peace, but often we choose coping strategies in our childhood and whatnot that are an imitation.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah Of real self-care.
Kate Aldrich:Of real self-care. Right, because the things that every one of us chooses are care, and that's a really hard concept for a lot of people because they're like, oh, but mine is sinful and mine is wrong and I don't like that, I do it and all those things may be true, but it's still a form of care and if we look at your childhood without it, as Dan Allender says, I'm not sure.
Brad Aldrich:We would have survived right or we would have had definitely more consequences. I mean, that's something I've had to wrestle with with my stories is I know there were some very unhealthier paths my story could have taken me down. So it like the unhealthy things are self-care but they don't actually fill us the way that we want them to.
Kate Aldrich:Right, and I'll use my own story. Thinking about that, I was like, oh, but so I think I've talked about pieces of this, but my main form of coping as mainly a teenager I don't remember as much being younger, but was to listen to music in my room, cause you we've shared before that my dad was an alcoholic and so that brought a lot of um, just kind of like predictable unpredictability in my home. Like every night, dad was going to drink too much. It's just when did he start? What drink were we on? All those kinds of things, and I don't exactly know when, but I learned to learn when to get out and just go up to my room. And I had my Sony Walkman, as you all know, which was my most wonderful possession in my whole life. It was the sport model, it was yellow, it went both forward and backwards, which back then was a big deal right, because most of them just fast forwarded, they didn't rewind, didn't?
Brad Aldrich:rewind.
Kate Aldrich:So I thought it was, and it also for the radio stations, like I could press one, two, three, four.
Brad Aldrich:I know it had presets.
Kate Aldrich:Yes, okay, anyways, moving right along. So I would go up to my room and listen to music non-stop, but the other thing that I did is I would create a world in my head where, once I actually thought about it, I was for me. I think it would be more of fixing my world, like I would often imagine being in a family where everything was just roses and puppy dogs.
Kate Aldrich:Right Like I, and I also knew that was unrealistic, Like no family I'd ever met lived like that, but it was. My parents were attentive, they were kind. There wasn't you know their brokenness and that is how I survived my childhood right and I'm like. But I think many of us are choosing coping strategies that are trying to fix it or explain it or understand it.
Kate Aldrich:It is your brain's way of saying. This is too much and I, as this age, I don't know what to do with it, but I have to cope somehow yeah, exactly, so we're going to talk about some of these other things.
Brad Aldrich:We've kind of brainstormed some ideas of imitation self-care things that we do, that I think we as adults still do and fall into Before we get to even kind of just talking about what some of them are. How do you think these imitation self-care no matter what they are, how do you think they impact our marriages?
Kate Aldrich:Well, you can speak from yours and I can speak from mine. It was a coping strategy that I was using right to deal with harm, trauma and, I would say, the things in life I couldn't make sense of and I couldn't impact. So for many years of the beginning of our marriage I don't see the music so much. That's become something. I've kind of like gone back to um, using music in a positive way and being aware of when it's too much, but the I would go into my head anytime things in our marriage weren't what I hope they would be.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, Right yeah.
Kate Aldrich:And I would recreate it Honestly. You were almost always in those moments, those and and I I hesitate to call them fantasies, because I don't think that's what it is, but you were there and I was making it better yeah, right, right, and I could mental escape place like eponine in lame is. I could live in my head in a place where my body could rest, and it was all good oh, yeah, yeah, and I'm gonna peel the layer of betrayal off of my coping mechanism, right, just right, right, because that's a different layer well, and we're not.
Kate Aldrich:That's not what it started. Like you right, when you started with that, there was no one in your life that that was.
Brad Aldrich:Correct. Well, some people might argue that, but you know what I'm saying. But I think if I peel that layer off and I just look at the escapism, I look at the arousal template stuff, really I think one of the things I can see is there were a whole lot of stresses, difficult things that I was dealing with that I thought I could not bring to you, and so I would take them into that fantasy world and I would escape with them and feeling, feeling unaffected as a husband just amplified that place of wanting to escape kind of thing. So I'm kind of saying one of the places I think this happens is this pulling away of things that we're dealing with. That until I could come to you and go I'm really struggling with this thing that's happened at work, or I'm really struggling with how I'm parenting, or something like that until we could talk about those things, I think I constantly felt very inadequate and then that's where some of the escape stuff comes in.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I mean inadequacy is not a huge. I mean I guess you could boil it down. The problem is with everybody's themes. We could probably boil them.
Brad Aldrich:Oh, they're all different.
Kate Aldrich:They're all different, but you could probably find the common thread. But inadequacy wasn't necessarily where I went. But yes, like when we got married, then you certainly we pushed into those things for me and it amplified them. I didn't know what they were, I couldn't give them words, I only knew how to take care of them.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah. So let's talk a little bit about, like, some ideas, because some people are like well, okay, I don't do the fantasy thing, I didn't do porn thing, it's not fantasy.
Kate Aldrich:Don't do the fantasy thing I didn't do, it's not fantasy, don't call it fantasy I didn't do the mental escape because I really do think in this we need to use positive words I agree and I think there is a place with all of these.
Brad Aldrich:We have to honor what it was correct in order to figure out. How do we do the healthy Honor, the imitation of the attempt?
Kate Aldrich:for self-care Right, just like arousal template. There's nothing one way or the other about that Right.
Brad Aldrich:So I think there is let's talk. There are a couple of different themes. Like one of them that we talked about that's totally different is things around food.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:So things like binge eating or comfort food when we're feeling stressed or sad.
Kate Aldrich:I think every human on the planet uses food. And some people are going to say, no, I don't, I control mine. Well, yeah, if you're still using food.
Brad Aldrich:And some people are going to say no, I don't, I can I control mine? Well, yeah, you're still using food like that.
Kate Aldrich:The fact that it's so controlled for you might appear to be the healthier of the two lifestyles, but it's still using food in a way to help you cope. So I think everyone has to grapple with this one.
Brad Aldrich:And essentially what we're talking about is having your feelings, your emotions motivate consuming food or not consuming food in a way that becomes unhealthy.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, yeah Well, and the challenge with food that I say to everyone is it's also not unhealthy. At times, like people say. Coping with food is bad. The Lord gave us food, yeah Right, and he didn't just make it about a biological. You need this to live, to grow when you're younger. He actually has other plans for food. This is what I tell everybody. We know food is in heaven. Why would it be in heaven? Our bodies are not going to need it because the Lord created it for other things, and food is where we have community. Food is where we have connection, like there are all kinds of things that the Lord created food for. That, yes, get very mixed up, but it doesn't always mean, if you go to food in a way that is intentional, that it's a bad coping strategy, correct, it's just. How do I put boundaries around that so that it doesn't become control one way or the other, or loss of control?
Brad Aldrich:And I think you've said and you've done a lot of work on recognizing how our stories, our traumas from the past have impacted food in our lives.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, I mean because I work with mainly women, so body image has never not come up with any woman I've worked with and that is directly correlated to food.
Brad Aldrich:Sure.
Kate Aldrich:Right how your body carries and looks and all the things. Right, how your body carries and looks and all the things. So, um, yeah, I've had to talk to every person about that. I think there is the larger trauma of growing up in the United States If that is where you grew up. Other countries, I do think it is different for some Um, but there is a pressure on a woman just being born a woman girl, and so, yeah, we have to talk about that. I do think some men also have that.
Brad Aldrich:Oh my gosh, I think many, many men have that right, like I think.
Kate Aldrich:But it doesn't. Can I say this and you share with me? It doesn't seem to plague their brain in the same way.
Brad Aldrich:It tends to women I, so here's the difference okay, do tell I think like we can look at lots of different sources and see men who are overweight, who still have value okay, and unfortunately in our society it is very difficult, not impossible. Obviously they all have value. I don't want to say this, but it seems as if the female celebrities, the female athletes, the female whatever, are not that right. They're thin, they're that when you can look at a 350-pound football player and go, oh yeah, he's got lots of value right. So there's not this direct correlation between male size and popularity, value how they felt valued about themselves.
Kate Aldrich:I'm more meaning like how society values them right, okay, and that's a really good point, but I also think there's how do they feel? Because I've noticed 100, that's where so that's where it's equal.
Brad Aldrich:Really, I think so because I know I talked to lots of men who feel unhealthy about their body. They don't like the way their body looks.
Kate Aldrich:The difference that I think that I see is I would love to know how often a day they think about it that's a good question.
Kate Aldrich:Because I think most women don't go an hour without thinking about it. So if you think in 24 hours, okay, well, they're sleeping for some of those, so 12 hours. If we say they're up for 12 hours, they're thinking about it at least 12 times, and for some people it's way more than that. I don't think men are as plagued with those thoughts as women are that's really interesting and I think there are some who are.
Kate Aldrich:I think you're probably right sure some have had and have had direct trauma in that area, like, of course, yeah, I, I think you're right.
Brad Aldrich:There are many who aren't that they're mainly thinking about it when they find themselves going to the food that they shouldn't have or they feel like they shouldn't have, and that's when they're thinking about it, or are they putting on their clothes Like does that?
Kate Aldrich:Sometimes, Because I'm sitting here thinking so women are thinking about it when they go to the bathroom, when they get in the shower, when they put on their clothes, when they take off their clothes, when they're eating breakfast, lunch or dinner or any snack, when they feel their clothes on them because they feel funny or they feel like.
Brad Aldrich:I agree with you and I think you're right. I think there is some places I will argue. There's a lot of men who have that too Like it's not necessarily gender specific.
Kate Aldrich:I don't want to. Well, okay, I'm going to argue a little bit with that. Make everybody happy. I don't want men who are struggling to that degree to feel like I'm invalidating that. I believe there are men out there and I believe it is just as plaguing and hard and grief. The challenge is, as you said, women don't have value unless they look like correct. And I will tell you, I've worked with women who at least meet the criteria of that athlete or that star and it doesn't matter in their head.
Kate Aldrich:And it does not matter.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:And so like my argument is because of the greater trauma of just being born in the United States as a woman.
Brad Aldrich:Yes.
Kate Aldrich:Going through middle school as a woman and I know it's brutal for guys too, but like and now high school, like I just think it's in the united states, it is brutal and I don't think I've met any woman who doesn't have a huge struggle with it. Now, that can't just be that.
Brad Aldrich:I'm meeting women who need coaching and they know right, because it's across the board. I think it's there.
Kate Aldrich:Correct, and so I do think there is statistically more women struggling in a hourly, half-hourly, 10-minute way. That is plaguing.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and then.
Kate Aldrich:And one more thing. And then, if you add, it's part of their trauma story, it's just almost, almost they wear it.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and I think that's the part that most people don't do. Don't do that work. If going they stick with the shame of I'm overweight or I'm not doing enough or I'm not exercising enough or I'm not eating well. Or I'm not exercising enough or I'm not eating well and they just stay there and they don't connect it to this imitation, self-care of why it's here, right, and that's part of what we're talking about. Is it's there, that overeating, that undereating, that obsession of it? Is there for a care purpose?
Kate Aldrich:True, and we're getting a little off on one topic here, but you and I have also learned so much if there's direct trauma in that area and or, depending on your life stage, cause guys, I'm 47 and perimenopause has been well, not welcome, let's just put it that way. Um, and this, you know how, how our home is right now, how we're living, is not helping, and you can attest that, yes, coping, food coping has been something in my past, for sure, but I'm really try to be very balanced about my food, sure, and that I work really hard, and perimenopause is still saying nah, like. And so, also, if you've had trauma in this area, we have to consider cortisol levels, how they've been impacted, and I work with a lot of women who are like it does not matter what I do, I can't make the weight go away anymore, right, especially if you're done with your adolescent years, cause that's, and even your twenties, that's just a very different metabolism way.
Kate Aldrich:Correct and and many of these women have lost tons of weight, gained it back Like they've done that as well the diet culture is its own trauma, but my, my point is I just want to be cautious. You just said be looking at, which I do think there's something to learn, but sometimes women are to a point where they are eating and there are hormonal and chemical impacts of the years of trauma.
Kate Aldrich:Oh, yeah, absolutely, and so you're not making it up that you are trying to do everything right and it still doesn't seem to be making a difference in that area.
Brad Aldrich:Right, and I think the challenge in just in what we're talking about and we're going to have a part two of this where we talk more about- Because we just keep talking.
Brad Aldrich:And it's really good, important things, because this stuff does impact our relationships and we don't talk about this enough. How we feel about our bodies impacts every part of a marriage relationship. It comes into, obviously, it comes into the bedroom, but it impacts our emotional intimacy. It impacts our communication, because I think there's times that we feel like we can't talk about this stuff with our spouse and so then it becomes a barrier.
Kate Aldrich:You and I talk about it all the time.
Brad Aldrich:We do, but I don't think most couples end up talking about this stuff because they don't know how to talk about it.
Kate Aldrich:It's hard because in America it involves then shame. It involves like you don't have value, right? If that's the message you have, why would you think you have value, right? If that's the message you have, why would you think you have value in the bedroom? You, if you have, you do not. I have learned and tried to use positive words like you're curvy, you're whatever, you don't look like the models and the athletes right, and so I think also there's work to be done between a couple of like how do we love each other right where they are? Because not doing that is just going to cause more trauma.
Brad Aldrich:And this goes on both sides, because what happens when you know somebody is talking about this and the other person wants to help? Well, what is actual help?
Kate Aldrich:I was just going to say you saying help makes me feel like it's cringy right. What are we talking about?
Brad Aldrich:Does that mean they are willing to go to the gym with you, and is that helpful? Is that mean they're controlling your food for you? Is that helpful, like there's so many places where we try to help and it's unhelpful because it's not actually hitting into the emotional sides of this.
Kate Aldrich:Right right.
Brad Aldrich:So I think this is such a huge topic, but I think why we're talking about it is because it really does impact our ability to connect to each other, to take care of each other, to have these deeper emotional connections. Let alone this obviously, you know eating part impacts sexual relationships and you know our body image, all those kinds of things, and that's just one of these imitation self-cares.
Kate Aldrich:It does, but I would like to push that it shouldn't Sure Right. I mean, do you agree or you disagree?
Brad Aldrich:I totally agree. I think it's oh, I'm going to get myself in trouble for this. I think it more impacts our own thoughts about our sexuality and our desirability than it does the relational ones okay I, I hear and I okay, I'm gonna flip sides and this I hear so many guys saying I love the way my wife looks, but my wife doesn't like the way she looks, so she won't. X, y, z in sexual intimacy.
Kate Aldrich:She won't get naked in front of me. She won't get naked in front of me or she won't have sex without the lights off or whatever the restriction is.
Brad Aldrich:But that's not. I'm not going to say it's never coming from the guys it does.
Kate Aldrich:I've heard that too. Yeah, we've heard those horror stories, but so many times it is coming not from the guys.
Brad Aldrich:In fact, the guys are like I would love that, but it's coming from their own insecurity. As then being this restriction.
Kate Aldrich:True, but I do think a husband can do a lot. It's not your job to heal those wounds in her, but you're either speaking to the wounds that are already there or your heart and your words can be soothing and kind to those things. So like and same with husbands. Like, I'm not saying this is a one-way street, but you know it is a united states lie that we only desire our spouse when they look a certain way. Yeah, and that is not the heart of jesus. About sexuality, do do people need to worry about their health? Yeah, but even the church has used that to shame people. This is just going to be a long long.
Kate Aldrich:But I think it's just important. Obviously, we're going to need to do more podcasts on different imitation coping strategies or imitation self-care. What you know, you said be aware. So if not, if when food is a coping strategy for you, what can we learn from it without being shamed Like how can we figure some of that out? Because I think if we're talking. If we got off so much on food today, like what does that?
Brad Aldrich:look like, and I think food is one of the most elusive ones to try and figure out. It is, but I think it has to and this is why I love the work that you're doing with women. I'm so encouraged by hearing when you're helping them get into stories around food of how food was used or control of food was used or how harm came into their food and their body image. I think that is essential. So, we have to get back to. Why is this self-care?
Brad Aldrich:Even like why is exercise self-care, even like why is exercise self-care? Because it is. Exercise is great self-care. It is so healthy for our bodies, right Like? There are many reasons, if you know, endorphins and all this kind of stuff that is talks about how important it is to move our bodies.
Kate Aldrich:There you go. That's a different term than exercise, moving your body Right. You and I keep saying we're building up our wood, pile out there, because this is how we do it. I much more enjoy that than anything else. Like it's moving my body in a way that I do feel strong, and it's fun.
Brad Aldrich:Right so, and I agree. But exercise as self-care is self-care, but it also can be very imitation self-care because we beat ourselves up for it. We have to do a certain amount, we have to meet a certain goal and instead of it actually being caring, it is playing out a story of harm a lot of times, and I think that's the thing with many of these imitations is they are both care in some form, but also they're missing something deeper.
Kate Aldrich:So this is that's a whole nother ballgame.
Brad Aldrich:This is a good place to kind of pause. We're going to keep talking about this and we're going to have a part two where we dive into some of the other imitation self-cares and talk through this, and I can see a day where we have a whole podcast more about food and marriage and how body image and marriage and all of those kind of things are topics that we can talk about too. Kate's doing a ton of work with women on exactly that issue.
Kate Aldrich:So it's honestly, though, it's one of the, it's one of the most grievous parts. I don't know. Is that a word? Is that how you say it?
Brad Aldrich:Grievous.
Kate Aldrich:Grievous. I'm known in my household for mispronouncing things and then sticking with it, so it grieves me because it's so deep. It's so deep for American women and I just want people to have compassion towards themselves and towards others and within their marriage, and men too for them. I'm not saying that it's not a big deal, as you've said, but it is huge and you feel it as soon as you're a woman being born. I mean no offense, but like people shall remain nameless. But how many times do we say to like babies in general wow, he's huge.
Brad Aldrich:She's huge. Look at that chubby baby.
Kate Aldrich:There were family members that constantly did that to our kids and I was like you're all in the words, already body shaming them. In the words of Rebecca from Ted Lasso yes, we love that show. She said way to go. Mom, you just fat shamed a baby Like it is. We're already deciding something about them based on their size, and it's like you can't come up with anything else. Wow, what a beautiful smile. What a oh, my word, he or she's adorable.
Brad Aldrich:You're just going to comment on their size and it's like well, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take this stop spot to say obviously you can tell this is a passion for my wife, because she's good at it I'm like oh, I'm guessing there are some of you who are listening to this.
Brad Aldrich:Right, I've needed this help with body stuff that you know is well beyond. I just need to lose weight and you feel stuck in that and you don't know why. I would encourage you to think about coming and talking to Kate, because she is so good at this stuff, and being compassionate and loving and not shaming but saying we need to figure out how do we understand our stories around food. So she's doing really amazing hard work with that. So I'm just going to plug because I think she's awesome.
Kate Aldrich:Very kind of you. Should we argue about that?
Brad Aldrich:We're going to continue this conversation Moving on. And, yeah, moving on, we're going to continue this conversation on imitation self-care because I think this is such an important thing that is hitting every marriage. Because there are things that we are going to on a regular basis. That is pulling us away from our oneness with our spouse. So I think, that's why we keep talking about this.
Kate Aldrich:Yep.
Brad Aldrich:Guys, until next time I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.