Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
What Happens When Everything Else Comes First?
Brad and Kate explore how couples can maintain connection during inevitable busy seasons when marriage can't be the top priority. They share personal examples from their May celebrations of their children's graduations and how they've learned to navigate similar challenging periods.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Speaker 2:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Speaker 1:Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches. We help couples to regain hope and joy.
Speaker 2:We invite you to journey with us, as we are still becoming one.
Speaker 1:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone, Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Speaker 2:Welcome back.
Speaker 1:We are so glad to be with you again and to be chatting. It's been a really good busy season man busy, what does? That mean really crazy busy. How about? That okay, I was like man busy it has been a man, it's been a busy season yes, may, and may is not over yet. And it's going to continue to be busy.
Speaker 2:May has been a very busy month for us, but also really exciting stuff absolutely good and fun and um, yeah, and it brought it, got brad and I talking and thinking this morning about, like, when you have busy seasons in your life and it can't be about your marriage, your marriage can't be the focus and the top priority. Yeah, what do we do?
Speaker 1:And there's so many like just thinking about that. There's so many seasons where that happens right. Like we have friends of ours right now whose teenage son is really sick, and so all of a sudden, everything stops and becomes about that everything stops and becomes about that. We have, you know, family stuff going on that all of a sudden it's like okay, we want to focus on and honor one of our kids going through graduation stuff and we have two kiddos graduating this month.
Speaker 2:Well, one officially next month, yeah, yeah, yeah, one officially at the beginning of June.
Speaker 1:One from college, one from high school. And so then, it's like this place of wanting to try and stop and honor and make time about them.
Speaker 2:Right, Right, that's what, yeah, and I mean I think we should stop there and just like. This last weekend was phenomenal and fun. Well, and actually two weekends ago, our senior in high school had her last senior dance recital, which was just like how did we get here? Like Brad and I were looking at pictures of a little five-year-old girl dancing when she started her first recital and now she's almost 19. And just like, it's just crazy. And then you fast forward to this weekend and we spent the whole weekend in Chicago with our oldest son graduating from Moody Bible Institute and just hanging out with him in the city as a family. It was so fun and so amazing and moments we wouldn't miss for the world Well, maybe for a storm that the plane wasn't going to let us take off.
Speaker 1:We had a few moments, yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we could talk about that too, how we navigated that, because Brad's like I don't know what we're going to do and I'm like we're going to drive through the night and he's like that's not going to work and I'm like we're doing it anyways. Luckily the plane took off. Thank you Lord. But yeah, so the month has has been just honoring our kiddos in different things, but it's not always, as you said, honor.
Speaker 1:No, there's always this thing that happens. There's a season that happens when it gets really hard to focus on your marriage and maybe it was strained before and this kind of season makes it feel even more distant. Other times it's like, hey, we've been doing really good, but then all of a sudden you go oh my gosh, it's been how many weeks since we had time together, how often that we've had any space to relax or be together or whatever to be in that time right.
Speaker 1:And it happens this is certainly not the first time, and it won't be the last that we go through a season.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, we've gone through lots and we even talked about it. That's one thing. So, like, what do you do when all of this happens? You know Brad and I even talked about prior to May coming up like this is going to be a long month of good things for us. We knew they were good things, but it also we knew it would take away our structure that we kind of do our time that we put away for ourselves which is usually on the weekends, because that's kind of with um, you know our jobs, that's what we, that's the time that we have.
Speaker 2:So we knew that was going to happen, so we talk about it preemptively.
Speaker 1:I think that, honestly, that is one thing, that when we see couples who don't do these seasons well, I think that is one thing that we recognize is there isn't really any conversation of we're heading into a busy season conversation of we're heading into a busy season, well, I would say, or if there is, it's kind of, it is not uh, with the focus of okay, how are we going to take care of us?
Speaker 2:it's more just like oh may, super busy, and then we just move on move on or it's blame.
Speaker 1:You know, there's definitely those places where it's blame of one person, like being busy or being distant or in that, in that season, it's like you know that that happens as well, and so it's not a conversation, it's a accusation. Yeah, so I I think one principle if you want to say that is start with man. This next several weeks is going to be really busy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then what does that look like? How can we protect us, find time for us, find nuggets of time? Maybe it's not your usual, but what does that look like to be intentional with that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's really good. I think a lot of times that's where people really just try and focus. It's like, okay, well, we're going to try and grab time anyway, and it gets really hard right, and they get frustrated that they only get you know 15 minutes before they pass out in bed or something like that. So I think that time is good. I think it can be sometimes really frustrating when it's not your normal.
Speaker 2:I don't know that I feel frustrated. Maybe we did years ago. I just feel like I miss that, like I want that connection with you and some of the other ways that I know, like from these last two weekends, that we try to prioritize. That are things like sitting together. Right, it sounds silly, but you know we're doing these things with our kids there's, our whole families are there, we have grandparents there. You know we can be pulled in 20 different directions, correct? Now, don't get me wrong. The kiddo we're celebrating gets a lot of our time and attention because that's important to Brad and I. Like this is their time, this is an event in their life that's happening once, right, so they're getting a lot of our time and attention. But, like on the plane, yesterday we sat next to each other. Right During the graduation, during the dance recital, we sat next to each other. Like we make that a priority because then we're also getting to experience a little bit of connection and we're getting to experience what our kids are going through together.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 2:Right, and just kind of thinking about that and thinking about what do we need right now? At the graduation, I asked our middle son to like take the video of our son so Brad and I could sit there and watch him walk across the stage, not watch a video of him walking across the stage Right, Right, Like it's just thinking about those things and really saying like this connection us is really important. So how do we prioritize it? In little bits.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that can be really good. I hear a but no, the only thing I was going to say in that is recognizing that there's still places missing. What do you mean? There's. I guess the part is missing is like hey, we don't get to do kind of our normal debrief, we don't get to spend the time together we normally would, we don't. You know. There's other places that are missing and I think it's understandable that there's some place of frustration sometimes in that. Sure sure.
Speaker 1:That everybody can feel, and I think it's acknowledging that and going you know, hey, we're moving through this busy season, we're not creating a new normal. I think that's kind of everyone's fear is like this is going to be the new norm that we're just going to have to deal with, because then it's like well, wait a minute, this isn't going to work long term Right. And that's where I think sometimes and maybe this is number three is like think through what the ending looks like.
Speaker 1:Okay think through what the ending looks like Okay, where you hopefully are going to come back to your more normal routine of more spending time together and more connecting and whatever all that looks like making sure that there is some even extra space on the other side.
Speaker 2:If you can. I don't know in May how we're going to find that extra space.
Speaker 1:No for us, I think what we've said is like it's going to be a really busy season through our next kiddos graduation and graduation party and that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:We're going to just going to have to push through in that place of you know, trying to find little bits of time until we get to that other side true, and we even said last night when we were you know, we got home quite late, had dinner real quick, kind of went to bed last night after getting home from chicago and I think I said to you like I can't wait till date night this friday, because in the month of of May, other than like at the beginning, this is like our only Friday date night that we always do right and so. But that is kind of also the like. I'm looking forward to this.
Speaker 2:I can't wait to do this like or when can we find another time, or when can we sit out back and just talk together for 20 minutes? Right, it may not be your typical, it may not look, but also like looking at the end, like you said. But also, where can we find the pocket of time we can go on a short walk, we can, you know, and and trying to not let those, those pockets that could be potential, just go to other things.
Speaker 1:Yeah and disappear. I do know one of the things that we see a lot of couples doing is getting into arguments with each other about this kind of stuff rather than looking at like, hey, how time or how other priorities are pulling people and it's not necessarily even I was going to say not what we want. Of course, in our situation it's exactly what we want. We're celebrating, we're enjoying where we're at but I think it's also pulling away from our norm, which is what we would love to have again, would love to have again and it's easy to kind of fight each other versus kind of fight the tendency to be pulled.
Speaker 2:What does that look like, though? I feel like when people have those fights, many times it's because that's already a thought Like you don't like spending time with me, you don't prioritize time with me.
Speaker 1:I think the fights often happen more when it's a one-sided busy season. Right, Like somebody goes to work season that is busy, that's you know. Or a kid season, that's busy, that is, pulling one parent more than the other. I think that is the place where it tends to create more arguments, because then it feels like there's, you know, one person that's absent more than the other.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get that. Okay. Yeah, that makes more sense and that's yeah this. We've had those seasons. That's not necessarily the season right now for us, but even in yeah, I hear you, but even in the we're doing the same thing busy season. I think sometimes, too, it feels like you're not prioritizing us in the moments that we could Like.
Speaker 1:I think that that same sort of thought can end up happening right, absolutely it can, and I think one of the cautions here is to not allow that distance to create arguments to create the disagreements so how do we deal with those differently, like what do we do when disagreement things come?
Speaker 2:in, we don't disagree really no what I don't understand the question.
Speaker 2:What's happening?
Speaker 2:We don't disagree.
Speaker 2:Um, I one of the things I was thinking, and I don't know you and I think very differently, so you may not be thinking this, but we've gotten to the point where, instead of feeling like I'm on the defensive, I try to be on the offensive for you and that and how that I'm going to talk through, like what we've done over the last couple weeks and I realize this is a little different, but I've even done this with your work things at times it you know, like this weekend, lots of family, lots of doing cool things in Chicago, walking around, lots of just up the street with our son.
Speaker 2:We kept teasing him because everything was just up the street, but we live in Lancaster where you don't walk anywhere, and so things were quite a walk, but it was amazing, we loved it. But like there were times that sure would I have loved Brad to to be there with me as we're experiencing something, sure, but there were times I said why don't you and Kent go? Like they went to his apartment and you know, get to chat, just have some time with him. I try to be on the offensive route versus the kind of I I think some of the tendency yeah the advocate versus the selfish.
Speaker 1:That's a better way of putting it. I was trying to think of how to say that. Well, that's good, right, because I think sometimes what we do is play the selfish game and then hoping that we get to see the other person kind of turn around and go yeah, I know, I miss you. Like we almost want the negative response or the the, that other response to give us a reassurance, right, even if we know they can't spend time with us. It's this whole thing of like oh, you know we've talked about this, we used to do this of like one of us was going away for something and we'd be like oh, I'm just disappointed, or you have to go to work, I'm sad that I have to go to work.
Speaker 1:Like that kind of thing, almost in this kind of like playing out the attachment, where we're trying to get the other person to like reassure us in some way, rather than being assured of like no, that we love each other, we find time for each other, we're solid, yeah I think that's some of the difference hmm, yeah, yeah, I guess.
Speaker 2:So it's just. Yeah, it's an interesting dynamic and I am wondering if those of you out there listening can relate to it and if you can sort of extrapolate or think about, be curious about, like why that might happen for you.
Speaker 1:Why you get upset when somebody is leaving or why yeah.
Speaker 2:Sure, well, and obviously we're built for connection and we enjoy connection with each other and a lot of times, without the connection, we also feel a loss of support in many things, in our families and whatnot. But yeah, just kind of being curious, and I think you and I have done a lot of work on ourselves to understand that and not have that be the driving force.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's probably I mean for us as part of the difference. I would say for many couples there does come this fear that comes up Because relationships are hard. Right, we always come back to they're great, we're made for relationships, we're designed for relationship, but relationships are hard, so they take work and that means sometimes we have to stop and think about our stuff and we have to think about you know why I'm doing something, or maybe complex is a better word.
Speaker 2:Hard makes it just sound like not fun, right?
Speaker 2:we're complex people and with that comes our stories, are all of our complexities that, as you said, make it work. You have to understand your spouse, you have to understand those around you, um and so, uh, I just feel like the complexities need to be honored and sought to understand what's at play. Yeah, and when we've had busy seasons in our lives I know you've had work busy seasons, I have too. Typically, the fall used to be so extremely busy for me and for a long time there was just, I think, pressure, stress between us about those times instead of support. How can I help? That's why I say being on the offensive, right, it's how can I help.
Speaker 1:But I also think, yeah, so take a step back just to wrap this up, like a couple who is in a super busy season right now, maybe they're like us and they have kids graduating, or maybe there's just, you know, end of the year, end of school year, kind of things that are making it really, really pulled. How would you tell a couple to go through that time?
Speaker 2:Well, I feel like that's a great question and I feel like it's hard because there's no one size fits all couple, because where you're at, do you feel like you do the hard times well or not, right. Sure. Because some people I will have a lot of couples tell me like when we have something going on, we are good at figuring out together.
Speaker 1:We're good at problem solving.
Speaker 2:Right, or doing daily life together really well. It's when we get to the interpersonal it gets challenging. So sometimes couples thrive in this space. So I think, if it isn't, I always go to this right Number one be curious why. Why do we struggle with it? What is the dynamic we have? What is the dance we do around this? And then why do I struggle to be on the offensive? You know, once you've been curious. The thing is then how do I affirm and help my spouse in this time and look kind of at that, because if both spouses are looking that direction, I feel like that's going to help a lot.
Speaker 1:Sure it does, and I think even one spouse taking a look at hey, how do I affirm them, how do I take care of them in this space, how do I not live in this selfish space, actually does change the system quite a lot, right, because we tend to go too selfish when we feel threatened, right, and so I think doing something to drop the threat helps both sides to that. But I think it is very common to feel like we are living next to each other, we're living as roommates, we're just going through this time, we're just kind of having to do our own thing. Going through this time, we're just kind of having to do our own thing. I would say somewhat, especially if you can point to a season that that's happening because of, like, actually having the conversation and saying this is a really crazy busy season I'm I'm feeling like we haven't had time together.
Speaker 1:Just acknowledging some of that, I think, can go really far. And then starting to go, I get a lot out of the expressed desire to do different, right. So even when you've come, like you said last night you know it's the beginning of the week, but you were saying, man, I can't wait until friday for our date night, right, I think, even if you don't know when that is, I can't wait until we can have a date night again. Like that expressed desire is communicating something so much deeper right of my desire to be connected to you, my desire to see it different, right? I think all of that really matters in the relationship, right? And what you're doing is saying to this person that you're feeling distant from I can't wait until we can change that, even if we can't right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that matters, right, that's helpful. So, on that, I think that's really good. On that stream, I can't wait until we go to England again together, sure, okay. So like, let's make that happen. I'm just kidding.
Speaker 1:We can, but we can dream about some of those right?
Speaker 2:No, let's just go. But we can dream about some of those right?
Speaker 1:No, let's just go, oh okay.
Speaker 2:But no, I absolutely agree with, because it's telling your spouse something. And I would add, then it's also like finding those nuggets of time, and I feel like Brad and I worked hard or at least I'm cognizant of it, I don't know if you are While we were in Chicago, like just're walking around every once in a while, I'd walk up to him and we'd hold hands for a while, just finding those nuggets of connection. Sure, right, it wasn't about us that weekend, and that's what I think we were saying here, when it can't be about your marriage. But how can you find those nuggets of time? Because those nuggets, believe it or not, help and I think lots of couples lose those nuggets in general and then find they feel very disconnected overall anyways.
Speaker 2:So I think that's what I, I, you know. So we said number one having the conversation. This is a busy time.
Speaker 1:What's it gonna look like, um, you said just trying to actually communicate a desire, even if it's in the future yeah, I would love to. Yeah, I can't right now, right being on the offensive for each other taking care of each other the best you can, trying to defend the person trying to go. Oh, I know you have to work extra. I expected you to. How can I help? Right like moving instead of selfishly in the deep, in the offensive, of really trying to take care of them.
Speaker 2:And then finding those nuggets of time and not letting, letting them slip away.
Speaker 1:Right, and I'll add, if you can like we don't always know when the season is over, but if there is a a specific season right. Like it's this event that you have to do or you know something that's happening. You know getting in your calendar and planning a day to.
Speaker 1:England that you planning a day that you get to spend together trying to plan the opposite, the other side. But I think it also gives you both the kind of space to go. My partner wants this. Yeah, right, we just haven't been able to right now and we've got that on the calendar, right, we can sustain so much when we know where we're going.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:When we don't have a roadmap, and that's where the communication part comes back. When we don't have a roadmap, we don't know where we're going. I think that's where fear can creep in.
Speaker 2:I think that's where a whole lot of other things can come.
Speaker 1:So keeping talking to each other and expressing all that is so important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree, I think that's really good sound things and I would love to you know, we would love to know how you guys have navigated busy seasons. Some of you are even beyond us in years and so have navigated lots more than we have. Some of you are just figuring that out, but it is a fact of life that there is going to be busy, crazy times. Everything's going to be trying to take your attention. So, yeah, thinking about it and holding each other up, it's, it's huge, it's huge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it absolutely is, and I think it is those little things that make a huge difference in the long run. Yeah. Right, most of the couples that we end up talking to, they are really feeling distant from each other because so many of life's busy seasons kind of stack up on top of each other and they start just kind of doing life alone versus together. Yeah, for sure. Being intentional to change that can really make a difference as you're on your marriage journey.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:So well, that's it for this week on Still Becoming One. Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Speaker 2:And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Speaker 1:Be kind and take care of each other, still Becoming One, is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry courses and speaking opportunities, you can find us at aldrichministriescom. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media, be sure to visit us at stillbecomingonecom and don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts, and be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.