Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Becoming One Without Losing Yourself
What if becoming one didn’t mean losing yourself? We get honest about the push and pull between closeness and autonomy—how time apart can stir old aches, why safety makes independence possible, and how small, practical choices turn tension into trust. From childhood loneliness to learned solitude, we trace how personal story and attachment shape the way each of us handles “I need a minute” and “I miss you already,” and we share what helped us move from reactivity to curiosity.
We zoom into the pressure points at home: uneven chores, nonstop childcare, and the cultural guilt that tells women they must earn rest. I
We also tackle the spiritual piece many couples wrestle with: 1 Corinthians 7. Read through coercion, it harms. Read through freedom, it heals. Your body is mine to cherish, reclaiming consent, timing, and dignity.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_00:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
SPEAKER_02:Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches, we help couples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_00:We invite you to journey with us as we are still becoming one.
SPEAKER_03:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone. Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, welcome back.
SPEAKER_03:So I actually think we have a pretty good topic this time that we're talking about. What it means to still become one.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah? You're insinuating that sometimes the topics are not great?
SPEAKER_03:No, not at all.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:I'm just checking. I just I just think this is actually something I do hear about a lot of this. What does it mean to become one? Where where do I go in that becoming one? Like, are we allowed to have differences? Are we allowed to you know be our own people? And how does that work?
SPEAKER_00:Okay. Am I being a little like obvious of like, of course you're different people? Like that's like understanding what Jesus, the you know, the Bible, the Lord meant by this relationship and becoming one. Yeah, I think, I think it's a good thing to talk about because I think the church has kind of twisted it. What does it mean? What does it not mean? Where are you, your own person?
SPEAKER_03:Like I think we can even just take it from the perspective of intimacy. Like where, you know, I think most people, well any people, want to be together or want to be really close together, but then you know, sometimes anxiety shows up when they're you know, uh either separated due to work or even separated due to interests.
SPEAKER_00:And and you're identifying that anxiety shows up.
SPEAKER_03:Well, I think it can be. I think it's often connected to how they feel safe in relationships and what makes them feel safe in relationships.
SPEAKER_00:Sure. And as always, it would also be their story and how relationships are helping either play out their story again or trying to fix their story because I think we all look to relationships, which is normal because the Lord created community, like since well created it's just been um forever. And so it it is that community aspect that is going to come in regardless. So I think I think that's a really good question. I think it's a really good uh thought to kind of figure out what yeah, how do you interact with community? How do you and and and then of course your spouse.
SPEAKER_03:Sure. I mean, that sounds weird calling that community, but I mean it in the larger sense of relationships for sure. Yeah. I I guess you and I we love to spend time together. I love spending time with you, I love hanging out with you, I love kind of doing stuff in the same presence. I think I'm also very comfortable when you go, Oh, I'm gonna go thrifting with my friend, and I'm gonna go never happens, never happens daily, but it happens quite often.
SPEAKER_00:Um, actually, my bestie has a job that keeps that from happening daily, unfortunately. Actually, probably fortunately, but yes.
SPEAKER_03:Um, like I'm I'm like, okay, great. And I I don't have any issues with that. I think I hope not. There are no absolutely. And I don't think you have any issues when I'm like, oh, I'm gonna go sit up back and read, or I'm gonna go lay my hammock, or I'm gonna like I don't think there's that space where we have to be next to each other all the time. I do see some couples that get into that place where it's like if you're not with me, I'm feeling rejected.
SPEAKER_00:Well, I will be honest and say that I definitely can feel that's part of my story. Like, and I I don't know how how that happens inside of you, but the loneliness I experienced as a kid and the being alone. Sometimes when you're like, I'm gonna go do something, it does, it is like this ping that happens inside of me. And then I have to remind myself, first of all, we're secure in our relationship, like it's fine, it's good. And I remind myself I can have good, healthy time alone by myself, yeah. And sometimes, honestly, and I mean, always my bestie is always invited to go thrifting, but there are times that she can, and sometimes time by myself just walking around a thrift store, I just find it really um uh calming and it resets my brain.
SPEAKER_01:I know he thinks I'm crazy, but it's I don't mind going with you, but it's very different experience than relaxing and resetting my brain.
SPEAKER_00:Well, okay, sometimes it's very exciting because I enjoy trying to find the find. Like thrifting is that too. But there are times I've said to you, after having um just an experience with different people, we'll leave it at that, where I have like wanted to go walk around because I can walk around and allow my brain to think about the interaction I had. Okay, but also pay somewhat attention to what I'm looking at, right? Where if you're walking through a regular store, there's 10 of everything. There's I don't know, and in a thrift store, I'm like, oh, that catches my eye. What is that? Oh, that catches my eye. That's atrocious. I mean, I also love to look for the atrocious and send Brad pictures. He, I'm sure, enjoys it so very much. But, anyways, it's just really um helpful to me. And so I think that um, anyways, learning to be with myself in those ways has been a journey for me. I don't think it's been as much for you.
SPEAKER_03:Oh no, it absolutely is for me.
SPEAKER_00:I think but you didn't naturally gravitate towards me instead. I think I naturally gravitated towards you instead when I was I mean, that's interesting when we were first married and I was lonely.
SPEAKER_03:I think I often Okay, you gravitated towards sex then. I guess just name it. I would name I gravitated towards sex, or I gravitated towards distractions like TV, which I wouldn't necessarily equate as like alone time, right? Sure, sure. So uh I do think I have to, I and I've worked hard to cultivate healthier alone time.
SPEAKER_00:Sure.
SPEAKER_03:And things that I actually either enjoy doing or I'm a little bit more likely to go. You're a reader, like you read all the time, you read constantly. I have to like almost remind myself to read, unless I'm in the middle of a really good book. I have to like, oh no, wait, I want to go, you know, I'm gonna go choose to do that. So like, but that's that's one um that I'll go and go, you know, read or listen to my book. Um, I do love audiobooks, so that helps. Um the so you know that helps. Sometimes I'll go journal, some sometimes I'll just go sit and you know, and not do a whole lot, um, which is okay too. Uh, but I I think for me, learning to be alone has been an intentional process. In fact, I remember when I started some of this, I was the executive director of a counseling center. And my executive coach at the time, because my training is all in counseling, and I became the director and I got a coach to help me on the business side, which was very helpful. And he kind of had encouraged me to take um a day or at least half a day a month to step out and to like spend some time doing some of the longer range thinking and planning. And um, just because this idea of if you're in your office, you're dealing with the day-to-day, you're dealing with the immediate, and you're never getting to the I want to do this in three months, and then those projects don't get done because they they sneak up on you. So I had started doing that there and recognized there's just such a value about stepping away from life in order to think longer term.
SPEAKER_00:Gotcha.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and so that's kind of become more of a little bit of a habit as well that I I try to do and find finding that alone time.
SPEAKER_04:Okay.
SPEAKER_03:Um, and I I I enjoy that. I do that well. I think one of the things that has helped is uh we I think found our what it means to be one first and then grew some of the what it means to then be individuals within our oneness.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, that's an interesting thought. And I I do wonder, I don't know that it would necessarily happen that way for every couple, and probably the healthier thing would be to come into marriage knowing knowing yourself a little better, knowing your own story, knowing the impacts. But we we've been honest from the beginning. That was definitely not us. But I do think us finding a space of okay, we won't say complete, nothing is ever complete, but of you know, really close to complete trust and um transparency with each other, I think then allowed us to move that direction. I know for me a lot was understanding my story, understanding what was coming up. Because like I said, it still can feel that way to me when you're like, I'm gonna go do something or I'm gonna go do this. I mean, most times I know you don't care if I join you. Um, maybe not on your uh silent retreat. That would be weird. But when you say I'm going outside or something, I know you don't care if I come outside too. But I also have like, okay, is that what I want to do? Like, I can actually have a what I want to do right now too, which is very hard for me with my story.
SPEAKER_03:It is.
SPEAKER_00:I I know it is. I know it is. Um, but this weekend I did some of that. I was like, no, that's not actually what I want to do. And I I constantly felt the pressure of, but you should be doing that. Um, and so I had to continue to work within myself. This is what it's like, guys, with your story, but but I do think as you continue to work with it, it it's not always that pressing, right? But yes, I think we we figured out what it was to be moving towards one first, yeah. And that gave us the safety, I think, to explore.
SPEAKER_03:That's exactly kind of the word I was thinking too, is as our marriage got stronger, it got safer for both of us to go it, you know, I am gonna go do this thing by myself. Yeah, right. And and I think that's the thing that couples need to remember is when that safety isn't there, that self-time can feel like you're pulling away.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And I think it's just important to acknowledge that and to be able to very easy. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm actually more saying make sure you're building in some of the communication around what is you know, what what's it for? What are the structure? When you know, what are you doing in order to help that? Now, I I do want to talk about because I think one of the times this gets most stressful that we don't have anymore is not completely, I assume where you're going.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Just most of the time we don't have challenge right now.
SPEAKER_03:When there's a lot of demands for childcare or house chores, that very traditionally, again, is this place where you know a guy may be working 40-50 hours a week and then wanting to spend a little bit of alone time and so much of that time, which often is landing on a wife who's also working 40 or 50 hours a week and doing child care and doing housework or doing those kind of things. Or just at home, like it doesn't always, but often, and that's the challenge is even in cases we know, in cases where both parents are working, still more of the house child responsibilities lands on the wife. That's statistically true.
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_03:So I would agree.
SPEAKER_00:And the wife kind of feels like, when do I get a break?
SPEAKER_03:Correct.
SPEAKER_00:And it and at the same time, I can only speak for myself, um, but I would imagine many women share something along those lines. At the same time, like, when do I get a break? But then there is a lot of guilt with taking a break. Like we are taught in the United States as women, especially if you are able to stay home or make that choice to stay home. Not that you need to, that because you're at home, you should be able to handle and get everything done. Like right, that's all you do. And and I mean, I think that conversation comes up a lot with married couples if if if a woman decides to stay home. Sometimes men stay home too. I'd be curious to hear if that if that we have good friends that he stayed home most of their kids' uh, you know, schooling years. I'd be curious to ask them and he would probably tell us for sure. But um, like so it it becomes a challenge on two fronts. And I do think that is partially because of kind of the way it is uh taught to women in the United States if you're home. Like you should have all this bandwidth.
SPEAKER_03:Right. All the space to do all of those things.
SPEAKER_00:When that would be true if your kids were in a cage and silent.
SPEAKER_03:They aren't.
SPEAKER_00:Like aren't we trying to invest in them? So it it's a lot of people.
SPEAKER_03:So you're saying the taking time by yourself is is discouraged because society says you have to be giving all that time to your kids.
SPEAKER_00:Um, I think it's a combination of a couple things. I think when a husband comes home from work and is able to say, like, I need a little bit of time, there is this piece of like, well, how do I ask for time because I'm home all the time. So it feels like there should already be all this built-in time. Right. But unless you I I don't even want to unless you because it doesn't matter if you have one kid or 15. You know, like it's going to take up a lot of that time. And then it I think it just feels like you can't ask for it. And I know for me that plays into my story really well. Asking for things is really difficult. Um, taking care of myself, right? How did I get seen in my story? I got seen by being helpful, by doing things, taking things off of other people's plates. So I then, you know, when our kids were young, that was what I was doing. And yet resentment built, right? Because you feel like you're not being seen in the need.
SPEAKER_04:Sure.
SPEAKER_00:And and that all sounds, I just want to honor, that sounds like a crazy mess. Like, how would anyone untangle that? How would any husband know that, see that? Uh, and I agree, that's why we have to dive into our own work.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. And we often, when we're talking about those times, we say, you know, there's this really hard commodity of time that then gets divided into, you know, obviously work, sleep, and then time alone, time with your spouse, time with your kids, time with friends, time, you know, maybe volunteering or church or like like so there's so many demands that pull at that, and it's no wonder that you know, something it's something suffers somewhere.
SPEAKER_04:Sure.
SPEAKER_03:And I think all too often we end up talking to couples where it feels like one person's priorities don't match the other person in the couples.
SPEAKER_04:Hmm. Hmm.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, I can see where that definitely it feels like that's rubbing up, but I don't know that that's always what's actually happening. But yeah.
SPEAKER_03:I mean, I can think of a few where with us. I I mean, I can think of a few of times with us, yeah, that it was I'm really feeling exhausted, so I want to go do something to take care of myself or to, you know, whatever.
SPEAKER_00:I'm not sure we used that language back then, but okay.
SPEAKER_03:But like I want to go do something by myself, and you were understandably exhausted and were like, uh, I just want to freaking get a shower. So what like how do we figure this out?
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And the communication sometimes wasn't the best.
SPEAKER_00:For sure. Because I don't think we knew how to ask for what we needed, and I don't think the other person, like, I do feel like it's a two-way street in in marriage, and this is part of becoming one, right? Learning to ask for your needs. And also your spouse not always like guessing perfectly, but kind of like, hey, how how could I help? Like, what do you have going on? What what do you need? Do you need some like also your spouse? And we both do this, not just you to me, because I were I was the one home with the kiddos, but like, oh, you're having you know, last week you had some really long days. I kept checking in. What can I do? Is there something I can do? I'll make sure I get dinner ready. Cause shocker, I don't like to get dinner ready. As everyone knows, on still becoming one. Um, but like, you know, recognizing those things.
SPEAKER_03:So I think it is a you know, a give and a take of like it 100% is awareness, and that's the becoming one part, right? It is to use this storywork word, it is attunement to what's going on with your spouse first. And like I don't think I would ever go, oh, I'm gonna go hang outside and read my book when I could tell that there was something that we needed to talk about or something that you were having a rough day with, or like I don't, I just don't think I would I would shift my priorities that way because you are my priority, and I want you to know that we can't always always want be able to do what we think we need or want at the time.
SPEAKER_00:Like that doesn't just because you voice it doesn't constitute it always can happen.
SPEAKER_03:I correct.
SPEAKER_00:I mean, I'd like to be on a vacation right now, wouldn't we all?
SPEAKER_03:Right? Like exactly and but I do think the issue is one of priority that when something comes up, when something changes, it's how do you show your spouse they're a priority, even over, you know, oh, I need some alone time or I need some autonomy time, you know, kind of thing, whatever that looks like. I I have this hobby, I have this thing that I'd like to do. That's great, but those should often fall under the my spouse really needs me. I do think it's hard when it's again, toddler phase, younger kids, it feels like kids' spouse need you all the time. So then it is a sacrifice that's usually more of I think it's more of a planned sacrifice for both people. Like you actually have to sit there and talk about it and go, okay, when when are you going to get your kind of alone time? What what are you gonna do? How can I make sure that we have that time? All right, then how am I gonna get my alone time? What you know, sure. Or I want to go out with my friends. How how are you gonna find time with your friends? Like that you're purposely having that conversation. And I think so many couples don't have that conversation because they're stuck on the I side rather than like the the together side.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And and I think what you said is vital. Like, how do we have conversations? How do we know ourselves well enough to know what's helpful? Um, because sometimes we tend to think it's that I know I talk to a lot of wives, and sometimes we tend to assume it's that big ask, but it may not be. It may be. I 20 minutes in the shower would be amazing, and I would feel rejuvenated and ready to get back in there, right? It doesn't always mean or five minutes, five minutes to go to the bathroom all by yourself when you have littles.
SPEAKER_03:Like without them.
SPEAKER_00:I remember the saying banging on the door.
SPEAKER_03:When I would, when you'd know we were having a really hard board meeting or a really hard day, or something was going on. There were many times that you would meet me at the door, I'd meet the little kids, you know, give everybody hugs. The little kids.
SPEAKER_04:Not littles anymore.
SPEAKER_03:I know, but like, and then you know, you would say, Why don't you go lay down for 20 minutes? And like that gift, it's more than just the time, it's the being seen. And I think that's the part that so many people miss.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And that's the becoming one part of even the individual side. It's having the opportunity to be seen together and in each other seeing each other.
SPEAKER_00:Does that mean we go out for a party? Seen together.
SPEAKER_03:It's more the this space of somebody actually sees a need.
SPEAKER_00:It's complicated and it's also simplistic.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, I like that.
SPEAKER_00:Right? It's and that's what makes it hard.
SPEAKER_03:It should be like it feels like this should be obvious. And I think that's why so many couples end up fighting here. Is because it's like, what's the big deal? This is obvious. Of course, I love you. Just because I'm going out to lunch with my friend doesn't mean I don't love you. But these fights happen because of attachment, because of like some place abandonment. Yeah, all kinds of uh parts of our story. Um it feels like I'm less of a priority. It feels like I'm drowning here, and all you want to do is go to your thing. Like, I think there's a lot of those factors that end up happening.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah. And and I think just like we talk about being curious, like when something you feel it in your body or you have that thought, I think it's just being curious, right? Like, even this morning. Funny story about Brad. We'll start with we'll do a funny story. Oh boy, he's like, I don't know where this is going. Um, a long time ago, he tried to sign up for our business mail box to tell us when mail was coming because we have to go pick it up. And so it just, you know, it's just easier if we know that mail is there instead of, but he ended up signing up for our home mail box to tell him everything that's coming. And so this morning he was like, ugh, he's like, jury duty notice. And I was like, ha ha ha ha, you or me. I I said ha ha ha ha. And then I was like, wait, I probably should ask you or me. Um, actually, neither of us have a problem with serving on jury duty at all. The challenge is that we have you have to clear your schedule for three days when you may not be doing it. We actually don't mind serving at all. It's more the clearing of the schedule. And so he was like, me, and I was like, ha. And then I was like, wait, Philadelphia or Lancaster? And he so he went back and looked, and it was Lancaster because I was like, if Philadelphia, I'm coming with you. So I was like, don't leave me here for three days. And then I was like, I guess I kind of have to work since you're gonna be um right. And just that curiosity, real quick, of like, oh, that felt like, oh, if he has to go to Philly for three days, I'm here by myself. I'm actually super fine being by myself, but there is that initial moment that I feel like, uh, because I spent a lot of my childhood in my room by myself, right? And feeling that abandonment, feeling that distance from my parents. And so it just hits me. And then I remind myself, hey, like it's not the end of the world. I enjoy time by myself. It wouldn't, it wouldn't sure, you know, and we have a dog, so it's not like I'm completely alone. Um, but you know, just kind of like being curious, and then, you know, and I find I work through the things so much quicker, and it's not a big deal. And I made that comment to you, but it's gonna be Lancaster, so you're not gonna be gone anyways. But I mean, we are perpetual for some reason. People we get jury duty constantly a lot, a lot. So we'll see, but then we never get called.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, you say I don't mind serving. I don't, I wouldn't mind at all actually getting on something. You actually talk about all the time you never freaking get on anything.
SPEAKER_00:Because you're because you're a therapist, and then I never get on anything because I'm a therapist's spouse. Yes. So it's like, okay, so it's also kind of a pain because we know the likelihood of us being called is very little. So it's like, okay, this is just whatever. So, anyways, we'll keep you updated. Maybe, who knows? Maybe you'll maybe this'll be the time.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, right. It'll be one that I don't want to get on, actually, but who knows?
SPEAKER_00:Last time I went, which wasn't that long ago, I sat there all day and did get called into a jury selection, but who knows why? Got scratched. I've gotten called several times. And then the judge sat and chatted with us, which was really cool, actually, a really cool experience. But um, yeah, anyways, that was on to jury duty. Well, but it's like that moment of like, okay, can I be curious? Right, where does it be? Does it have to take me over? No. And and I can also say, like, oh, well, if you're in Philly for three days, I would miss you. Like, that's also okay. Of course, right?
SPEAKER_03:And so it's just like But I actually I love you saying that because what what you're doing is getting into your own emotions and and trying to figure out where they're coming from, the good and the hard, right? Like, I of course everyone wants to be missed. If you know, if your emotion was like, oh good, go, like that would be weird, right? Like, and and would be unhealthy. If your emotion, so like we want some of that side, but then if it's like no, no, you can't. Go, like then it feels like actually the government's gonna make you possess.
SPEAKER_00:I would just have to you just have to drag me with. I'd have to go with.
SPEAKER_03:But you know, then it I think that gets to this place of like feeling like uh oh my gosh, I can't have any time by myself. And I think there the happy middle is found by really looking at some of your own emotions, what's going on, and then how do you honor those emotions and take care of people in the in between? Like if somebody is really having a hard time with a spouse leaving, then that probably reflects some of their story of attachment of what it meant to be alone and some fear or anxiety or things like that that are coming up. And I think that needs to be honored and taken care of.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And I and I do think it's it's worth mentioning, like, we have a betrayal journey too. So like sometimes the thought of you being away somewhere without me, that will come to the forefront too. And that's that's important to be honored and talked about as well. Because you can be years down the road from a healing journey with that, but that can still different things can still bring up um certain emotions and certain fears. So, like I would say usually for us, that is a conversation we have as well. Um, and I just wanna, you know, I feel like that's fair mentioned, and people can understand that on many different levels. Absolutely. So yeah.
SPEAKER_03:And I think that's the thing, these conversations need to take place and need to be able to take place. And I I really would encourage people like to be talking about what are things that you do together that you enjoy, that you're really doing well to grow that togetherness, but then how how do you how are you growing healthy by yourself? And what are those activities, what are those things you're doing that help you to just relax, take care of yourself, be positive. And those should be included, and there should be time for both of you in both of that.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So I agree.
SPEAKER_03:It's hard stuff to kind of look at.
SPEAKER_00:I think too, it would be good um, you know, to talk follow-up because talking about the still becoming one and the you know, individual, there is also a piece of it that I think would be interesting for us to explore of like there's also that, like, well, we're one, we're individuals. Where does the whole biblical thing of like your body, my body, like all of that come in? Because unfortunately, I feel like the church has kind of twisted that and made it interesting. So it would be interesting to explore that as well.
SPEAKER_03:I I know you know you're talking about the first Corinthians 7 that says, My body is is yours, your body is mine, kind of idea. And those verses have been used to subjugate the lower desire person in a marriage so often, which is more statistically women being the lower desire person. And it those verses have been used to say you're being bad if you don't do whatever I want. That is not at all the intent of those verses.
SPEAKER_00:Correct. So we could just hash this out right now, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:No, because it's actually relatively simple. Those those verses are an offer and an opportunity, not a requirement, right? It is this place of exploration and beauty of offering to each other those things that were just for one person, that then as you two become one, become together. But it is not written as a this is a requirement of you have to offer even if you don't want to. Like it's not, it's not a takeaway thing, it's a freedom thing.
SPEAKER_00:And if you're not comfortable with that due to your story or due to whatever, like that is something that needs to be entered into uh carefully. And right, like, I mean, you and I joke about it all the time. Like you're we do, we joke back and forth, but then again, we joke back and forth a lot of times with stuff the church has done poorly. Anyways, but like we joke back and forth, but it it I know for me there was a time where it was like, oh, that feels like possessive. It yeah, and it felt like okay, because I was for years the lower drive spouse. But it also felt like get your act together, girl. Like this is what the Bible requires, this is what the church is telling you, you're one. So like you don't have autonomy over your own body anymore.
SPEAKER_03:That's just not the case.
SPEAKER_00:Which is for many people's stories, that's really difficult. And and you can you can, I mean, not to get off on this too much, but you can see the enemy's plan in that, right? Like, because he does. I think the Lord did create it for there to be this freedom in that but we are broken people.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:So that freedom was in Eden, and and we don't we can't even fully comprehend in our brains what that looked like, correct, right? And so we live in a space where it's uh it's not that simple, and people's bodies have been objectified, you know, sexualized, both men and women, but uh men and women differently too. I guess we should just say that. And the effect on women in the United States, I believe makes that claim of that verse really hard, right? Where we either enter marriage thinking we have no, like we just have to do it, right? You've grown up in a church that's just very strong-armed, like deal with it, move on, it's your space, it's what you're supposed to do. Um or we struggle or we try to do it for years, and then it it breaks down, and it can be a reason people can't find any safety in their marriage, right? Like how is that safe that your body is mine to do whatever I want with it? Obviously, the church was never promoting harm, like, but still, but still, like it's harm if it's not mutual.
SPEAKER_03:Correct, correct. It is those verses are about an offering and about freedom, not about a demanded responsibility. Yeah, that's it's just totally taken out of that context. And if you read those same verses with a a thought of freedom in them, it makes a whole lot of sense. Like you're you're taking a place where there was a cultural kind of like, hey, hold your body back, we need to be cautious. Like some of the same things that we talk about in purity culture, right? That were getting communicated that really they're saying, wait a minute, like God made sex for us to enjoy together. That's what it's talking about, is this freedom, not this like obligation space that we've written on top of it afterwards. So I think that that autonomy piece of hey, I get to have a choice even within my marriage. I get to go, I don't, you know, I'm not comfortable with sex tonight, I'm not comfortable with sex now. Like, can we try again later? Like the that is that's that freedom exists and it's really important.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, no, totally. And yeah, I agree with that freedom piece, and I think could we look at it of I've been given the privilege as your spouse to cherish your body. Yes, right? Cherishing means I find you attractive no matter what, I'm gonna push some buttons. Like, no matter what, like that is my heart and my posture towards you, and I'm gonna cherish it as much as I cherish mine, although some people don't cherish their own, so that that can be its own, um, right? But cherishing something, something we cherish, we don't force things on it, we don't demand our own way. We can have a desire, sure, but we don't, yeah. So I think trying to think of it that way of like your body is mine to cherish. Yeah, I like and I have to honor what space you're in to be able to cherish it, absolutely, and vice versa, absolutely, so yeah, because I do think that comes up with the one versus individual, yeah. I think you're exactly right, it's an important part, and we are one body-wise, we are also not right, right? Like, literally, until we we leave this earth, like I'm experiencing things in my body, you can't feel them for me. Like, we are separate, but we are one, which is God's really cool thing, and I don't even know that I'll completely understand it until I get to heaven, but so yeah, I just think that was important at the end because it's free.
SPEAKER_03:I think that's an important part that people ignore or twist individual versus united.
SPEAKER_04:Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:So I am sure we're gonna have some people want to respond to some of this, and we would love to hear your comments. Feel free. Yeah, yeah. Feel free um to uh send us a message, and we would love to hear from you. You can email us at help at stillbecoming one.com. We would love to hear from you, even if you have questions and you want us to go into something more. We would love to uh to hear from that as well. So we hope that you continue your journey on Still Becoming One. Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
SPEAKER_00:And I'm Kate Aldridge, be kind and take care of each other.
SPEAKER_02:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldridge Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry, courses, and speaking opportunities, you can find us at Aldridge Ministries.com. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecoming one dot com. And don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.