Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
Your Phone Is Killing Our Marriage
The glow in your hand is quietly dimming the glow between you. We dive into how phones shape sex, sleep, attention, and intimacy—and the small, sustainable shifts that restore presence without demanding digital exile.
Don't know where to start?? Try Questions For Couples by Brad & Kate
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_01:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
SPEAKER_00:Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches, we help couples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_01:We invite you to journey with us as we are still becoming one.
SPEAKER_00:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone. Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
SPEAKER_03:Welcome back.
SPEAKER_00:We are glad that you're here again and yeah, pursuing your marriage.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, that's a good thing.
SPEAKER_00:That is a good thing. We're Yeah, you know, keep trying to figure out what it means to continue growing and continue working in our own marriage.
SPEAKER_01:Yes. How how I'm tired today. How do you come today? Let's do a check-in.
SPEAKER_00:Let's do a check-in. So I um very occasionally, I'm so much better now, but very occasionally I have some back issues. And when I have back issues, it just means I can't do much. And I start, you know, kind of feeling pretty well very quickly. So um I I don't like having the ability not to do anything. So sure. And that's that's some of it. So this last weekend I was I was hurting. Um, and so just laying around, but having not having a choice, just having to lay around, I don't like. Um, so I do wrestle with that. And I think I yesterday, last night or whatever, I apologized for being grumpy because I know that I can get grumpy when I'm hurting. So that's a little where I'm at.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, good check-in. So laying around is fine if you have the choice.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, if I am choosing, like I'm going to take this time to relax, I'm gonna choose not to do anything fine. I'm I'm great with that. If it's I'm laying around because I'm hurting, like that's never fun, right? And um, you know, and there's this weird thing. Anyone who has back issues, you know, like you can maybe lay still and it's fine, it doesn't do anything, but then you move just a little bit and it's like ah, you know, and that it's that kind of like constant reminder of like, oh, something's not right.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. I get that from the pain perspective. That's interesting. But you know, and we've talked about this on the podcast before, not that this is our topic today, but like for me, if I'm actually legitimately sick or hurt, then laying around feels okay.
SPEAKER_00:Interesting. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:I I mean I feel like I can give myself permission, even though it's still hard for me, like as a mom, um, and a wife, more probably as a mom, although I'm not momming a lot of people at home anymore. Like I would always feel like I should be doing, like, there are things that need done. Like, I shouldn't be laying around even though I feel awful. So that's interesting.
SPEAKER_00:And some of it's probably because I've had a couple of really busy weeks and I had some things on my to-do list this weekend, and like one of them got done. And so it, you know, I think that's some of it of like, okay, we're gonna get to this and gonna get to this, and it didn't happen, and just kind of feeling that. And I I think for me also just the um I I don't know how to say this, but like I end up feeling like I'm 25 years older than I am when I hurt my back, and I think that I don't like that aspect of it of like like I'm moving like grandpa versus me. So like that's some of it too.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and and interesting, I said I'm tired. I've been having a lot of trying to figure out allergy issues, trying to figure out medication that I used to take, all these things. And like my ears have been full of fluid, which I've dealt with since I was a little kid. So it's not surprising, but it's been bothering me a lot. And so, you know, this morning I'm like looking up, can my pillow be causing that? Because I did just switch pillows. Like, you want to talk about feeling like you're an old person. I have been told from very early on, like my sinuses are like an old, like literally. They said the dentist said, I don't I see this in geriatrics when I was like in my 30s. I was like, cool, I'm not in my geriatrics stage yet. But apparently my sinuses have moved on to that stage at a very so I get the like, yeah. Sometimes your body, sometimes your body, okay, Brad and I are in our 40s, but sometimes your body feels like you're still 27 and you're like, this is amazing. And then other days it's like, oh my word. Yeah, I didn't I didn't think you started feeling like this until you were in your 70s, but apparently that's not the case.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. I am rapidly ending my 40s.
SPEAKER_01:I know, but I was like, hey, is he gonna let me just say he's in his 40s? You're not rapidly, it's not going any faster than it has any other day. It's just you're closer.
SPEAKER_03:Much much.
SPEAKER_01:Hey, it's okay.
unknown:Yep.
SPEAKER_01:You're gonna be 50 and it's gonna be amazing because you're amazing. I appreciate that. So all right, there's our check-in. And so you know we're here and we're we're here, guys. We're here.
SPEAKER_00:We're here. So we had this great conversation with Jay from Hot Hole Humorous. Yep, recently. Yep. Sex Chat for Christian Wives just the other day about the some research on that couples are having less sex.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And one of the things that she raised, and we didn't end up talking about a whole lot. Um, I think this is actually what the study actually raised is the increased use of devices and how that's for them and you know, impacting sex life. Yeah. Um, I think you know, we need to talk about it probably on a broader place of how how your device impacts your marriage.
SPEAKER_01:Yes. I and I think it's a really interesting conversation. I also loved the part that they added in the study because I do see this a lot when I talk to people about how it's disrupting um sleep, hygiene, sleep, uh, pre-sleep patterns that you would have previously done, um, and how it's impacting and it's delaying when you would necessarily go to sleep. So it's not only impacting your marriage in ways that we'll talk about, but it's also impacting, which makes sense, impacting your life. It's changing us.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, absolutely it is. We are recognizing that change. We're seeing the fact that it is a change, and I think there's a place where look where we just said how old we are. We are certainly a place where we were a couple without devices 24-7. But I think there's a now you're making us sound really old.
unknown:Yeah, well, that's the case.
SPEAKER_01:It's true. Okay.
SPEAKER_00:Um, there are a lot of couples that their whole relationship, their whole life, has been with these devices. So even trying to think through what it means differently. And and I want to start. We are not going to say, like, don't have them, right? I think that's way too easy of an answer.
SPEAKER_01:Easy. Everyone would just turn us off. It's not nobody would do that. Devices, yeah, they have become part of our lives.
SPEAKER_00:And there's a lot of good things about our devices, right? Like that we're able to contact each other, communicate easily with each other, share funny things with each other, it like kind of things. There are real positives in relationships. And then there's lots of problems.
SPEAKER_01:Okay. Okay. Yeah. And I I don't think um saying get rid of your devices would would help anybody. So we're like that conversation isn't even. I mean, I realize some people on the fringe believe that, and of course, go for it if that's what you feel you can achieve. But for most of us out there to survive literally in your businesses, in your personal lives, like they're going to be, they're going devices are going to be in your lives.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And there's an expectation that we have some access to them. And so just, you know, putting them away probably isn't a reality, right? And even like I think in the past, is that what you mean by get rid of them? Yeah, like just put them away or don't have them come in the bedroom or like those kind of things.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_00:Like gotcha. I have to think about you know, I have used my device as my alarm clock for the last like five years. So you know, that that is there. I it's also a way, like I have I put mine on do not disturb, starting at a specific time, but my kids and you are able to get through that do not disturb, right? That's a setting you can do, right? Like, so that means if my phone rings in the middle of the night, it's one of our kids, right?
SPEAKER_01:Right.
SPEAKER_00:And I want to be able to have that.
SPEAKER_01:If I'm calling you in the middle of the night, it means I'm calling you from right next to you, and that's creepy.
SPEAKER_00:That's weird. Call comes from inside the house. Stop.
SPEAKER_01:That's exactly what I was thinking. The call is coming from the other side of the bed, friend.
unknown:Okay.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:So I like I do realize we're not going to just eliminate them or eliminate them from the bedroom. So, how do couples manage this thing that is happening? And and maybe even we need to talk a little bit of what it is. You started saying it's impacting sleep and sleep hygiene. Say a little bit more about that.
SPEAKER_01:Well, according to the study, I mean, I have my own thoughts, but the study was saying like it's delaying your sleep in some aspects, and it's also changed your sleep routine.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Whereas I think previously, even our generation, I won't I won't even talk beyond that because I I feel like that's that's so far removed from what society is today. You know, if you watched TV in the evenings, which is what a lot of families would do, then you turn that off and go into your bedroom. You could be watching it in your bedroom, that's true. But there's a turn it off, there's a get up, use the bathroom, brush your teeth, wash your face, whatever your sleep routine looked like. Change into your pajamas. Believe it or not, these are things I talk to people about that also have changed, but I do see them as direct correlation to phones in many, many ways. Some of them happen, like I saw our teenagers do that. Sometimes it is just uh the acceptance of comfy clothes in life. Like, I'm already in comfy clothes. What do I need to change? I mean, that definitely happened, but usually adults start to get themselves into a habit of like changing their clothes or right, but that all changes if we're just on our phone for a really long period of time and we're like, oh now I'm tired, so I just slap it down. And then, first of all, it's how many hours later than you should have, or you know is good for you to go to sleep. And now I'm not doing any routine that tells my body this is a different time.
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_01:Right?
SPEAKER_00:Like this is so we're using phones to put us to sleep, and I am guilty of this. I like there are times I'm I'm you know, kind of using it to check out and and put myself to sleep. Um, you tend to use reading in some of that place of like you know, pulling out your Kindle and reading to get tired.
SPEAKER_03:Yes.
SPEAKER_00:Um, I don't like doing that. Like I will read my book at night, um, but then I get to a stage where I'm like, if I keep reading, I'm not gonna know what's going on. And I don't like that.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, dude, I do that all the time, and I'm like, and then uh the if I'm super tired for like a week, I read the same two pages all week because then I don't the next morning, I'm like, I don't remember reading, or not the next morning, the next night, I don't remember reading this, so I gotta reread it again. I don't remember reading this, but yeah, it's my it's just my way to get my brain and my body to calm down. And it is better, right?
SPEAKER_00:Like even on a Kindle, it's still better for your body than the stim constant stimulation of and I will say I have to be cautious if I'm using social media. I'm usually pretty choosy about which one. Um and avoiding stress-filled political things or social commentary things, or you know, organizations I follow, like sure uh those at night are not gonna help me to get into that that routine. But everything that we're talking about is individual. Right. Every part of that, and and I think that's one of the things that phones do is push people to less communication and more individual sleep pattern.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And and it's just a, you know, I mean, we there's the education part of it, like understanding that screens are always gonna stimulate, even though, and people say, but it does help me fall asleep, or I can fall asleep in front of the TV better. And I will tell you, like, I sometimes, if I'm alone and want to take a nap, I will turn on the TV for the noise. Yeah, right. But I'm not watching it. I actually literally am turning it on and laying down because sometimes complete quiet is hard for people. It is, it's just disarming and I recognize it.
SPEAKER_00:I do that when I'm taking a nap because it actually keeps me in a lighter sleep.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, interesting.
SPEAKER_00:About it.
SPEAKER_01:Interesting.
SPEAKER_00:Like, I'm gonna turn something on that's going to keep me in that this space of a little bit lighter sleep idea because I just want to take a little bit of a nap and I don't want to like zonk out. So I agree with that, but I think then there is that that place where that doesn't allow you to sleep to deep sleep, right?
SPEAKER_01:And and I'm assuming you know more about this than me as a clinician. Like, does um that your brain process that very differently than like noise machines?
SPEAKER_00:Oh, yeah, because the noise machine is actually canceling out noise, and the way it works in it in your body is because it's the same sound all the time, your body very quickly goes, Oh, I'm not paying attention to that.
SPEAKER_01:But it also gives you the non-silent right so it's silence.
SPEAKER_00:Well, it the problem with silence is it is it lets all the other noises come through, and so then unique noises your body hears.
SPEAKER_01:Your kid trying to tiptoe down the stairs, and every one of our children has a different kind of tiptoeing, and you're like, who's up? What are they doing? What's going on?
SPEAKER_00:Right, or the the water pipe that's clicking because the heat or the car that drove down the road, like you hear each one of those as unique sounds, and then that gets processed.
SPEAKER_01:Gotcha.
SPEAKER_00:Where yeah, we use a sound machine because it does tend to block out those and your body usually ignores that constant same sound. Um, so I find that incredibly helpful.
SPEAKER_01:Um well, now that I'm used to it, I do too. I wouldn't I didn't ever grow up with anything like that as a kid, although I don't feel like sound machines were a thing when we were kids.
SPEAKER_00:Um, I didn't grow up like we were just made for therapists' office when I was growing up.
SPEAKER_01:Well, we grew up in an old farmhouse, so we did have room air conditioners in the summer. And I did sometimes notice the difference then when they were gone. It was like, wow, it feels so still and quiet in here. Um, when when we would take them out for getting cold. But yeah, it's just an interesting. So, anyways, just thinking about that and thinking about your sleep.
SPEAKER_00:Sleep and sleep hygiene is a super important thing for couples to recognize impacts them, their relationship, and their health. Um, so I think that's important, but it is not necessarily this topic of how it's impacting them as a couple.
SPEAKER_01:Well, you just said something important, like how well you sleep is going to impact you as a couple.
SPEAKER_03:Sure.
SPEAKER_01:And as you get older, as Brad and I recognize like I I would have never believed this as a teenager or a young adult, but sleep gets harder to have good sleep.
SPEAKER_03:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:So I the reason I thought it was good to just stop there and pause there is you need to figure out a sleep routine, like, and you need to try and stick to it. And I sometimes get off of mine and I can be on my phone and then I'm like, ugh, I need to get back to reading, right? Because I recognize I don't sleep as well.
SPEAKER_00:Correct.
SPEAKER_01:So I'm just encouraging that. You need to give your body that opportunity to like, this is something different. This is a time I'm getting ready for sleep, not, you know, you can be on your phone all the other times, but we're gonna talk about that now. So just knowing that, I think, is huge.
SPEAKER_00:What do you would you say is uh what does it look like for couples to use bedtime well? Right? And and I think that the study that we're talking about is hey, couples have less sex somewhat because of phones. Um I I think there is a cultural connection to nighttime and sex um that has happened for a really long time that is like okay, we're getting ready for bed, now we're gonna have sex. I I think we've said this for a long time. That doesn't tend to work for a lot of couples.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, right?
SPEAKER_00:Like this cultural it is a cultural thing that is unfortunately, I think doesn't work because you're exhausted, you're tired, um it's the end of the day, you're supposed to be thinking about rest and sleep, but you know, getting stuck thinking about like, oh wait, now I have to figure out desire. How I how do I pay attention to that? Like that's a whole challenge.
SPEAKER_01:Well, I don't think it has to be, right? Because again, I think the devices are doing that, they are contributing to that. And we've had TVs since we've ever been born. Right. Um, and our parents were the generation where getting a TV was a big deal. And you need to remember, like you're still delaying what we would consider bedtime. But for many couples, if you weren't doing that, you were heading to bed and you weren't, you were maybe still tired from the day, but you weren't exhausted because you weren't going to bed at 10 p.m. Right. And I will say, when you and I had littles, and we were really trying to prioritize our marriage, we started most of the time, like I would say like 80% of the time, once we had them in bed, we went up to our bedroom.
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_01:Right. So we didn't sit in the living room and watch TV for a while. That would have been only you at a smartphone because you were working a job where that was like we just, yeah, it wasn't something we could afford at that time. So that didn't enter in so much for us. But up there, it was connection time. And and do we want to watch a show together? Like, and that could very well be, but that for us created more time to figure out potential sex and we weren't exhausted. Yes. Um, also, of course, we did find other times of the day mourning were helpful when we could figure that out with little kids. Like that is a challenge when you're just the two of you before you have kids. There is more freedom in time of day and whatnot based on your schedules.
SPEAKER_00:So I I mean, I think that's one challenge in this that we've heard forever is heading to bed, and one person is thinking, oh, well, maybe we can have sex, and the other person it's not even in their mindset, like that can be a really challenging time for couples.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and one of the other things that we did, and again, we are not prescribing these are the only way to go, but we were intentional, and so like that led to certain decisions. Our kids, before they could recognize it, and maybe even a little bit when they could recognize it, went to bed really early.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Because we found through trial and error that they still got up at like 5 or 6 a.m. So it was like, okay, well, if we put you to bed at nine, you get up at six. I think it was more six. We didn't usually have 5 a.m. or thank goodness. If we put you to bed at 7:30, you still get up at 6. So we were like, actually, it's more sleep for you and more time for us. Right. This is actually a really healthy thing. I honor I have lots of people say, my kids don't do that, and I I don't want to be judged. I'm not judging. I get it. And once you get your kids into a habit, it's really hard to change it.
SPEAKER_03:It is.
SPEAKER_01:I would speak to those people having young kiddos. Try to get them on that schedule so that you aren't completely exhausted all the time when you put them to bed now. I'm not talking about when they're infants and stuff like that. You're they're you're just gonna be completely exhausted. But you know, kind of thinking through that and creating that space, yeah. It's not gonna get created for you.
SPEAKER_00:No.
SPEAKER_01:So being intentional is huge.
SPEAKER_00:Creating that space. So what is it if if one person, you know, walks in and sees their spouse on their phone? Back to the phones, because that's where we're talking about. Like, how do you have that conversation? Because I think we, you know, we've had it a lot, you know, that it's like it just feels like you're on your phone a lot. How do you how do you have that conversation in a good way?
SPEAKER_01:I feel a lot of couples are having this conversation, and of course it goes-every couple is having this conversation, most likely, right? And it goes in a cycle, right? And there are times you're like fine with it, and then you get frustrated, and I'm sure it happens on both ends, right? And I don't know how many times I've been in a session with a couple and one will kind of jab it at the one and the other one will say, Well, same two, right? Right? Just different, right? Because, you know, around different things, different habits, different, or you know, you're on social media, oh yeah, well, you play games the whole time. Right? Like it kind of and it, yes, we all have our things, so let's just honor that. It is a part of life.
SPEAKER_00:I think that is the exact first step is recognizing, hey, this is a both thing now, right? And go it and start the conversation going, I'm recognizing that my phone use is impacting us as a couple. I think we both probably have some stuff to do here. How do we make this better? Right. Like if it comes out as something that we're going to do together, it's so different than an accusation.
SPEAKER_01:Right. I also think it's really good. Like, we all feel conviction about it. Like, let's, unless you're lying to yourself, you feel conviction about it. So, like, what do you want to do to regulate your own? Because what like I want the couples to have a conversation, but what might work for one isn't necessarily going to work for the other. Um, I regulate myself by like, yeah, I don't I say to myself, this isn't what I want to be doing with my time.
SPEAKER_00:Right.
SPEAKER_01:I kind of look at that as a waste of time. At times I'm like, I am just wasting the time I have, right? This isn't adding to me. Sometimes it's phenomenal, and I'm watching funny videos. That's what I tend to do, or play stupid block blast that my 19-year-old daughter got me into. I don't do games and it's the only game on my my phone and I play it. Um, but like, and I just say to myself, enough. Like, this isn't what I want to do. Where it's around bedtime, I'm just like, I monitor it by how well I'm sleeping. Right. And so I think it is each person needs to decide like, how am I going to monitor that? I know some people can use the the timer thing, and that's what I've done. Timer. There's also the brick thing that you can talk about that.
SPEAKER_00:But like I had for a long time put a timer, I had an hour of social media a day. And look, the way I have it set up, and you don't have to do this, is then it tells you, you know, you've used an hour. Do you want to keep going? And one of the things that I recognized, and I told you this a couple months ago, I was hitting that hour every day. And I got frustrated by that. Like, I'm like, wow, I'm using this a whole lot. So I lowered it to 45 minutes with my goal of not hitting it. And then for the last honestly, uh, ever since I did that, I am not, I'm not hitting it anymore. Um, which I'm really glad for because I just recognized it was taking up a lot more space than I wanted to give it.
SPEAKER_03:Sure.
SPEAKER_00:Um, but I had to, and I mean, I'm being totally vulnerable here. In order to get there, I had to delete it off my phone for a week to break the habit. It is addicting. Social media is made to be addicting. Sure. And so then there's this habit of like you jump to it all the time, you jump, you know, and I took it off my phone, kind of like, okay, I'm gonna reset. And then when I put it back on my phone, honestly, because I needed to post some things and I wanted to see how it was looking and all that kind of stuff.
SPEAKER_01:That's yeah, that's challenge.
SPEAKER_00:When I when I did that, I reset the timer and went, okay, I don't want to, I'm gonna set it for 45 minutes and I don't want to hit it. And I certainly don't want to give myself more than that. Because of that same thing, of I recognize there's some benefit of it, there's some positives of it, but there's a place where it's too much. And I think this is the place of the conversation is everybody knows that it's an issue in their life. When somebody else tells you it's an issue in your life, we get defensive.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_00:When somebody says, Hey, I want us to figure this out, I need some help figuring out, I want us to figure this out, I think it's becomes more of a conversation.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, for sure. Um but I think I what I said before, I maintain like coming with your own ideas, like how right, and then being able to adjust them if it if that doesn't work for you. I don't do any timers, I judge it. The other thing is like I also talk to clients about is like how do you feel after you've gotten off of there? Right. And part of what we need to do as a society, and we talked about this with Jay, is actually honor what we feel in our bodies, like and actually try to understand what we feel in our bodies. Do you feel better? Uh the only time I honestly feel better is if I've connected with someone like friend in a conversation, which most times I can do that, not on social media, to I do enjoy funny videos, like and I feel lighter after I've watched them. I mean, with the world right now, reading anything political, I don't feel better. I usually feel heightened, I usually feel irritated, like doesn't matter which way you vote. I think probably most people would say that.
SPEAKER_00:So um both sides are there, you know. I I agree. It's it is vastly different than what social media was originally billed as, as a place to connect with your friends. And I used to say that, like, oh, I had friends that I hadn't seen for a long time, that we kind of know what each other's doing. Well, that's mostly gone. Like really? I don't have a whole lot of that much anymore.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, I love that part. I still I still love that part. I still like connecting with people, even if they're in the area that I don't see very I should preface that. I like connecting with pictures. As I've said on here, and and we used to say on one flesh marriage, like, I am a professional photographer too, although I don't do very much anymore, um, just because of. Last couple years of life, like I had to put that on the back burner and and and that's just been fine. So, but like I love seeing people's pictures, that's just a way I connect. So um that's what I find fascinating. I follow a lot of photographers and those kinds of things, so that's just kind of what draws me in more than somebody's post about whatever they think about something. It's more seeing their post about what's happening with their kiddos.
SPEAKER_00:And I use it a lot of times in my I've said I'm ADHD. Um, so one of the fact the things about ADHD is hyperfixations, right? We get focused on a hobby, a interest, a something, and then you know, go down that rabbit hole. Um, and I have learned I don't know what you're talking about. I have no, yeah, I know you don't. I I've learned like, okay, I'm gonna use those rabbit holes for good things, for positive things. And so at various times, if you looked at my feeds, they would be plants or they would be, you know, whatever I was learning at the time that I wanted to learn about. Um yep, yeah, you know, and so I'd you know have some YouTubers or podcasts about those kind of things that I was learning. And I enjoy that. I like that it's a way for me to kind of relax and stimulate my brain in the same way. And I think there's some good in that. Sure. Um, I think we have to be cautious of those things.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, sure.
SPEAKER_00:Of course, with our conversation with Jay, we were saying, um, you know, obviously it was coming out of this study of couples having less sex. Um I would say if you are the lower drive spouse and you would be interested in finding more time to connect and potentially have more sex, then going to your spouse and saying, Hey, I think our phones, and the key is our phones, are keeping us from connecting and having more sex. I think that could be a really positive conversation. If you are the higher drive spouse, I don't know that I would start the conversation that way.
SPEAKER_01:Okay.
SPEAKER_00:But I think it could be a positive way of saying, I want to connect with you more. Sure. And I think sometimes our phones get in the way. And I I can't tell you a couple that that's not happening to. I I think phones are getting in the way of connecting.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and that's that's the part that I thought was interesting. And obviously, they were just doing the study on sex, which kind of makes sense. But I would imagine there are lots of things that are less in your relationship due to phones. In all of your relationships, right? Like it just there is a plus to the phones that we can text immediately, we can have connection with someone quickly, but also probably connections are are paying the price. Like it's not just sex that's paying the price. Yeah. No, all kinds of things are paying the price. So, and I think that's important to remember.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. And I we do it. I I want to acknowledge we do it. I think we see all kinds of couples doing it that they actually like are on a date together and they pick up their phones.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, I struggle with that for sure. Not because you're not interesting, but because it's a habit.
SPEAKER_00:Yep. And that that issue, like, you know, you're sitting together on the sofa watching something together and on your phone. And well, we do this too. Like, I'm not I'm totally not pointing fingers, more going, there is a place where it fills a gap that allows us to disassociate, to disconnect from what our brains and bodies are feeling, and then it you know kind of fills that gap. Yeah. So we never feel the feeling of, oh, I would love to connect with you. I'm feeling lonely. We don't actually feel that feeling because our phone is right there to fill that lonely void.
SPEAKER_01:Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep, people are feeling more lonely than ever.
SPEAKER_00:Yes. Right?
SPEAKER_01:Because it doesn't, it doesn't really fill it, it just prolongs it and it it disassociates us from the lonely. Right. And it makes it feel deeper and wider when you're done disassociating.
SPEAKER_00:Correct. So I think that's the challenge is we're using it to check out.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:And it can be appropriate, but I think we have to be very cautious in how much we're checking out in real life.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, for sure. For sure. Yeah. And so, you know, you guys having the conversation around phones in a healthy way, being curious, trying to understand for your spouse where it becomes a pitfall, for you where it becomes a pitfall, instead of just seeing it as the enemy, like trying to understand. And then for you as individuals, realizing like if your spouse is saying it trying to be curious and understanding, not just feeling offended. Yeah. Right? Like, oh, okay, she's just always nagging me about my phone.
SPEAKER_00:Okay, well, be curious about why that is. Yeah, like and what's the positive on the other side, right? Because if somebody's nagging you about your phone, it's probably because they really miss you.
SPEAKER_01:True. For sure. I mean, I think it also is self-reflective of some challenges you may have in your own life. That's why I'm saying, like, we ha it has to start with us first. It can't start with pointing fingers. We have to, right? And there has to be a desire to monitor it. Right. There, that's the way we do anything in life, right? Like, we don't want to be workaholics. We don't want to be whatever, like, right? We have to monitor things. And and not in a way that that becomes the newest thing, but that's what we do in life. And the phone is now just another thing we get to add to that list. Yes. And the phone, and then what's on the phone.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Right. Because you could be doing work on your phone, you could be doing social media on your phone. You could be doing games on your phone. Right. I know the phones have created for me my high responsibility from my story and make sure you do it right. Yep. As soon as someone texts me, as soon as someone emails emails me, mainly where work is regarded. Like with friends, I feel a little, I've worked through that. I can be like, oh, I can answer that tomorrow or whatever. And certainly at night, I'm pretty good at that. Even if it comes through, I leave it. I don't, I don't feel the need to engage it. But work, I feel that pressure because we have become a society of I sent these people an information form. Like this happens to us all the time. And please know our heart is to at Aldrich Ministries is to get to our clients as quick as possible. But there is this like I sent you a form or an email or an interest.
SPEAKER_00:10 minutes ago. Right. Why didn't I get something back?
SPEAKER_01:And it's just well, I wouldn't say it's 10 minutes. It's definitely like, I did it yesterday. Why have I not heard back? And while I honor that, it's also like, okay, we are an instant gratification society, whether that's instant gratification for things that we love or things that the help that we all of the sudden decide that we want. And I do think we need to step back and say, it's okay. Like there is a reasonable amount of time, you know, and and so it's yeah, I've I feel that pull as well.
SPEAKER_00:You mentioned the uh the brick before. Uh, I'll put a link in the podcast uh in the show notes because uh, you know, I have played around with it with it, I have one, I know our son uses it sometimes. Um, and it is a device that essentially you can choose to lock parts of your phone at different times. And so you could, for instance, if work is something that is feels like it's invading all of your personal space, sure, you could use the brick to lock the work emails, the work phone calls, like you know, kind of thing, um, so that only other things go on. I know some people, you know, will lock social media. And so essentially what you do is you tap this device, and then when you walk away, it's locked until you go back and tap it again. So you you know, leave it in the on the refrigerator or something like that. It's not that it's forever locked, but there's an intentional unlocking process rather than just the habit of like, oh yeah, I'm gonna flip that on.
SPEAKER_01:Well, and it's almost like if I can't, like with me, I can't resist that I'm gonna have to answer it.
SPEAKER_00:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:Then I don't actually know it's there until I have decided this is my work time and this is the time that I'm right. And I think our oldest would not care if we shared this. I thought it was so funny. Um, because you got him one, he's used it. I don't know what else he's used it for, but he said, I'm using it for church because he and his dad and his brother and friends all keep track of football, European football and not American football. And he's like, I just can't not check the scores during church, and I don't want to do that. And I was like, that's hilarious. So right, but like he has it then that he can't have access to the scores until church is done. And that's something he wanted to set for himself. Right. And I'm like, right, because we have access to everything instantly. Yes. And it it's it's amazing in some ways, and other times it's really good a challenge.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. So I I would encourage out of this is couples just having a conversation of how is social media, how is phone impacting our connection and impacting our sex life.
SPEAKER_01:Right. And not just social media, because we need to make it broader than that. You guys need to talk or own what are the pitfalls for you on there, because some people come home and they're never on social media and all they're ever doing is checking their work emails. Yep. And their spouse feels like, I have lost you all day to work, and then, which is we honor and we understand, then we come home and I've also lost you to work, right? And it's like, so whatever it may be, right? We just need to honor for each of us what is that and how is it impacting our marriage, and then therefore impacting our sex life.
SPEAKER_00:Right. And I really, really want to encourage, don't start that conversation by pointing the finger, but start it by saying I'm realizing. Right.
SPEAKER_01:Or I'm realizing I do.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah. We're both there. We're both do it at times. There are places that you may be unaware of it, there are places that your spouse is unaware of it. So start the conversation of how do we make sure that we have time together that it does not impact us, right? Like we definitely are very intentional around our date night. Um, you know, I don't think we pick up the phone at all.
SPEAKER_01:Um I do. But I tend to I tend to like regulate myself and to put it down, right? And I honestly I wonder if because of um will I ever be able to do this? I don't know. I do feel the pressure first to leave it out as a mom. I've always felt that because on date nights we would leave them, or they were in recent years all home alone. So that's lots of opportunities for fun things, right? And I would just feel like I need to be available. There were dynamics at home here. And then now it's like I still feel that they're all off at college. Um, but they have learned, and we have one kiddo who can be very like, hey, just text you. What's the deal? And it's like, calm down. But uh just having it there makes me then want to pick it up, right? So then I have to be like, I just have it out for the kids and I'm not gonna look at it unless we get a text. The other thing that I will tell you that I have learned is really good with that, believe it or not, and I know people have different thoughts on this. Having the Apple Watch, then I can put my phone in my purse.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:And if one of the kids texts me, I can pull it out. Right? Because I'm not apt to do things on my watch. I don't hardly ever except to see what is happening on my phone. Right. So I can look at it and be like, oh, that's not a kiddo, that's not a concern. I'm not promoting it. I'm just saying that's been a helpful tool to me. Um, and then I don't feel like I have to constantly be attached to my phone.
unknown:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:So I do know I struggle with that when we're out.
SPEAKER_00:But I think it's something we all have to know where we struggle and how do you make it a priority? And you know, we try not to uh there are times that we're out at restaurants or stuff and we're like, oh, okay, look at that couple. Like, you know, I we can't help it. Like, but there are times that we've seen couples sitting there clearly on a date and just engrossed in their own phones, yeah. And it's like, wow, you know, they're actually creating the time and the space to go out together, and what happens is not connection, right? And I think that is a bigger issue of, you know, one, it's just so easy, so simple. And two, I think a lot of couples have lost that ability to know how to connect. They don't know what to do, and they don't know where to even start. And that's actually why Kate and I um ended up this uh year publishing a book of questions um for couples that we found a lot of couples just need to know what conversations to have other than about the kids.
SPEAKER_01:Sure.
SPEAKER_00:Right? So they'd go, they'd have the conversations about the kids, they'd maybe talk about work, and then they'd be like, uh I don't know, right? Like so um we put together a whole book of different questions that you can use and would you rather, you know, all kinds of things that just are designed to get some conversation going. So if you're one of those couples that's like, man, I don't know what I would do without this, um, I'll put a link in the show notes as well.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00:Just you know, questions for couples is what it's called, and you can find out on Amazon. Um, and it could be something where you use to kind of break some of that habit. Just ask one question and hopefully have a conversation.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_00:It's important um to do so. Hey, I hope you guys are able to use this to get some more conversations started and continue in your growth as you're walking through really trying to use this to become more one together and connect each other. Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
SPEAKER_01:And I'm Kate Aldridge. Be kind and take care of each other.
SPEAKER_00:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldridge Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry, courses, and speaking opportunities, you can find us at Aldridge Ministries.com. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media, be sure to visit us at stillbecoming one.com. And don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.