Still Becoming One
Still Becoming One
My Adult Child Cut Me Off: A Parent's Guide to Healing and Repair
Are you a parent struggling with the painful reality of your adult children creating distance, setting firm boundaries, or even cutting you off? This episode tackles the confusing and often hurtful dynamic of strained parent-adult child relationships. Hosts Brad and Kate explore why the younger generation is increasingly setting boundaries, leaving parents feeling bewildered and asking, "What did I do wrong?"
They challenge the traditional expectation that children owe their parents a relationship, arguing that the healthy, biblical model is for the parent to initiate pursuit and repair. Learn why your experience of the past could end up invalidating your child's hurt, how to move from defensiveness to curiosity, and the crucial first step to take when a boundary is set.
If you're ready to understand the pressure your children feel, process your own hurt, and take practical steps toward healing and reconciliation, this conversation provides a roadmap to rebuild trust and foster a healthier connection for the future.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast. We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich:In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both dark times and experienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich:Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship coaches, we help couples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich:We invite you to journey with us as we are still becoming one.
Brad Aldrich:Let's start the conversation. Hello everyone. Welcome back to Still Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, welcome back.
Brad Aldrich:How are you guys today?
Kate Aldrich:How are we today? Oh. I didn't know if that was for all of us. No. How are we today? I'm tired. How are you today?
Brad Aldrich:You know, actually, I'm doing alright this morning. Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:I'm tired. I mean, I'm just tired. My um older brother got married this weekend, and Brad and I were there, and it was amazing and fun to celebrate with them. Um but I also did the photography, so we were there from like early. And then yeah.
Brad Aldrich:This is a hidden talent that not everyone on our podcast knows about Kate.
Kate Aldrich:A hidden talent.
Brad Aldrich:Well, not very hidden. She is actually a really great professional photographer.
Kate Aldrich:And but it's not what I do full-time.
Brad Aldrich:Not what she does full-time anymore. And forever. Well, you did it a lot for a long a lot.
Kate Aldrich:For a number of years, I did it definitely part-time.
Brad Aldrich:But and she uh actually is really, really talented. And so then people who know that she can do it, you know, beg her and plead her to do their family photos or or uh you're you're you're very kind.
Kate Aldrich:You're overstating it maybe a little bit. And no, I'm glad my brother, obviously, family and close friends. I I still do I would do anything for those people, and I'm glad that he asked. So it was a fun day for sure. Um, but I think then it led to like just tired.
Brad Aldrich:Oh, it's tiring. I mean, you spent literally all the time. I'm middle aged. This is like like editing and all that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich:So I did because I wanted to get it done and I wanted to also get them to them. So, but it was a good weekend. I'm just a little tired, and of course, um, yeah. So, but we're here. We're here, guys. We're here. We're here, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:So our topic that we kind of talked about uh, you know, several weeks ago, we put out a holiday guide uh around what do we do with family gatherings and how do we do those well. And we talked about doing them with integrity to ourselves, but also putting up some boundaries and being able to communicate some of those boundaries. And you know, we have clients of ours, and we have certainly in social media you see all the time the opposite side of this of people who have adult children who have either totally cut them out of their lives, or more often, I think, you know, significantly reduced contact with them. And I think they're often in the place of going, I don't understand what happened. Yeah, actually, I I had a client of mine earlier this week kind of saying, like, this wasn't an option when I was growing up. You just, you know, talk to your family that you just did with your family. It it was just what you did. I don't understand why somebody would be choosing something different now.
Kate Aldrich:Well, and you bring up a really good point, and I don't I don't want to go too far down that road, but like we do see naturally in societies where we will swing all one way, and then people get tired and exhausted of that, and we start to see the challenges with that. And I and I do think some of that has come out of women giving women their voice, like all of these things, but also then I think mental health voices, like all the things that when we were kids, like no one was talking about in school. And yet I know through our kids who are now all as of last week, adults, adult in age, um, still one in high school, but like that that was just so much more talked about and expressed for them. So we're over on this side of the pendulum, which is good. People need to be able to do that.
Brad Aldrich:People are understanding their mental health and understanding where they need boundaries and they feel like they have the ability to have a voice, even if it is hurting somebody who they do care about like a parent.
Kate Aldrich:Right, right. Well, it yes, and so like I do want to honor both extremes are not great, right? Like we want to honor, like, but this extreme came about because there was this extreme at some point. Like, so I don't want us as we're having this conversation to come off like you know, releasing your voice, then it's okay to say whatever, or it's okay to do whatever. Right. But I do think what this subject brings up, which I've been seeing the rise of it on social media, we've had clients talking about it, um, of more of the parental role. So it would be us saying, Why are my kids putting distance? Why do they not want to come to holidays? What is going on? But I think as you and I have grown and changed, like, and of course, Dan Alender's principal, like, can we be curious about it? Can we can we instead of like that's just wrong, that you should honor your parents, like all of that? Can we be curious about why it's happening?
Brad Aldrich:I I think we actually need to start there in talking through that curiosity because I think so often the first question I get is how could they do this to me? What or why why would you ever done this? Yeah, what have I done to deserve this? Right? Like, don't they owe me something of loyalty or you know, all this for all the things I did for them? Why is it that I'm now getting cut out of their lives?
Kate Aldrich:I think just uh just your one comment there. Don't they owe me something? Yeah, I would just love you to stop and be curious about that. If you feel like becoming a parent was about being, you know, receiving something or getting something back. I'd just love to know where that comes from. Of course, in parenting, there is a very natural, right? Like we take care of our children, we get to see them experience life, grow, go through challenges, go through happy things. And so we are often what they come back to as they're going out. So, like, I do understand some of that, but parenting is selfless, and it is But isn't that supposed to stop when they're 18?
Brad Aldrich:And aren't they supposed to give back to us then? I'm being devil's advocate, of course.
Kate Aldrich:But like I live with you, I know what you are.
Brad Aldrich:But I I think that's kind of this attitude. I gave to them, I supported them, I helped them all through their childhood. Why can't they now, you know, just come around on Thanksgiving? Why can't they bring their let me hang around with their grandkids?
Kate Aldrich:You know, it's a great question that needs some curiosity, right? And and the challenge is, you know, we believe the way God designed family, there is this hierarchy for a lack of better terms. And so it really comes parent down.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:Right? It doesn't go child up. And when we're expecting child up, we're gonna be disappointed because we're not as parents, and and you and I both right now are both children because we both each still have a parent, and we are parents to our four kids. So, like with our parents, it is their job to pursue us. We use the word pursue, and that's pursue in all kinds of ways, pursue in checking in, pursue in how's life going. Is there anything as your parent at this stage of life that I can do or be helpful with? If not, that's okay, right? And then and then for us, the other way it, you know, it's our job to check in with our four kiddos. They can check in anytime they want, right? This doesn't mean that kids can't reach out, go up if they want to. It's just not expected.
Brad Aldrich:It's not their responsibility.
Kate Aldrich:Correct. It's ours as the parent.
Brad Aldrich:Just saying that is a shift. Like, I think it's a it's exactly felt like it is the child's responsibility to call the parent. It's the child's responsibility to reach out to mom and dad. I think that's been the principle for a really long time. And that just simply is one of the things that's changing is hey, wait a minute, why is it that we're expecting the one with a really busy schedule with it, whether it be college schedule or little kids schedule or whatever? Whatever it is. Why are we expecting they're the ones to create the time and reach out? Yes, there are times like if you call, if you reach out, they may not be available. Sure. It's okay. Yeah, right? Like, but just saying, hey, I wanted to reach out, hope you're doing okay, hope you're having a great day, would love to connect when you have a chance. Like that, that is still reaching out and connecting. Right. Then it's not the guilt trip of, and I haven't seen you for a while, we haven't had a chance to talk in a while. Like that now is saying to them, you have to take care of my needs.
Kate Aldrich:You know, yes. And I want to go back to what you said with your devil's advocate of like once we turn 18, doesn't it change? I will say, like, my experience with my family growing up, I remember my mom always saying, my mom more than my dad, but my mom saying to my grandmothers, because I had two, call me anytime. Like I'm busy with the kids, like I'd love to chat, but call me. Yeah. And there was sort of this tension that I recognized, and I don't know with you, because your your grandparents were all not local. Mine were to where we grew up. And and my mom just saying, like, call me, it's fine, but I don't always think, nor do I have the, you know, like I'm focusing on getting all the kids different places and whatever. And it does seem to switch. Like, cause I often, and I'll be a little vulnerable here. I doubt my mom is gonna end up listening to this. Um, but she seems to have switched. And I'm like, when did that happen? And there are times I've reminded her, hey, remember you used to tell Mom and Nan, like, please just call me. And that's what I find myself having to say to my mom sometimes of like, please just call me. I just, it's not on my radar because I've got many more things on your radar. Yeah, this year we're readjusting and it's different. But I'm talking about, you know, the past 10 years of our lives, it has seemed to have shifted some. And so I know you and I have said, let's be aware of that. Yes. Right? Let's be aware.
Brad Aldrich:So I think what you're talking about is the the on the nice side, there is just a functional thing of like, hey, don't assume that the fact that they're busy means they don't want to talk to you. That parents, you can reach out and doing that and saying, hey, just been thinking about you. Hope you're having a great day, you know, and and you being that reaching out. But I want to tagline on that of the whose needs are being met. Because I think I hear when you're reaching out. When you're reaching out, I think I hear often from young people that it's the opposite. It's it feels like I have to meet my parents' needs. They're not there trying to, you know, see how I'm doing, they're not there, like, but really it's them wanting me to take care of them. And that just feels really heavy.
Kate Aldrich:I can see why. And yeah, if that is an overarching feeling, like again, curiosity. And this is this is the hard part that I think, and I want all the parents out there to hear this, hear it as a parent. If your kiddo is putting distance or whatever it looks like, it doesn't look like what you would hope it would look like. Number one, we have to be curious about our expectations. Where do they come from?
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:You and I anticipate our kids being all over the country, potentially all over the world, right? I we've never set an expectation that they should all live locally, but I know a lot of families who put that on their kids. Correct. Right. And so, and I'm not saying we've done everything perfect, but we adopted a kiddo from Africa. So we've never really thought that our kids would potentially mean they all can be close if they want to, but we've just kind of said that. So, like being curious about where does that expectation come from? And then I think the thing that's hardest is to open up curious conversations with your kids and be willing to actually have them.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:Um, I don't like having them. I'll be the first to admit who who wants to hear they did something not great as a parent. But to say, hey, I I see it feels like there is distance. Can I I'm and you've got to come in with no pressure, but like openness of I want to understand. How can I understand from the past where that came from that you feel that pressure? And how can I do it differently in the future so that you at least feel the freedom to come whenever that's you know, whenever.
Brad Aldrich:So you're talking about even the parents being willing not to just address the current situations, but parents being willing to go back with their adult children to discuss things in the past that maybe have impacted their relationship.
Kate Aldrich:I think so. I know that's hard.
Brad Aldrich:It is incredibly hard. And we've had these conversations with many of our adult children of being able to sit with them and hear and and walk through hard things because we certainly weren't perfect parents by any means. And you know, it is incredibly difficult, but I come back to all the time. I love and care about my kids enough that I'm willing to hear the difficult things because I want to do that repair. I want to do that. And I've heard so many of my clients who've gone back to parents and said, hey, this thing happened, and what they hit is a stone wall of maybe, maybe recognition of like, yeah, that happened. So, or even worse, I think sometimes the stone wall of you know, you don't really know what you're talking about.
Kate Aldrich:Hmm. Yeah. And I think if your kiddo is coming to you with a circumstance, this is the formula I kind of talk to my clients about. Because I have met with clients of this, and like I've had to live it out in my own life. The formula is if your kid is coming and sharing something about the past and is vulnerable, your reaction of it didn't happen that way is normal. Sure. But that's not the place you express it with your kiddo, right? However, they experienced an event in their childhood, his is how they experienced it. As Dan Allener says, details and facts don't matter when harm and hurt has happened.
Brad Aldrich:So man, details and facts don't matter when harm and hurt has happened. Exactly. Or intent.
Kate Aldrich:Intent doesn't matter to you.
Brad Aldrich:Intent doesn't matter, right? That that is so hard, but it's so true because you know, I've heard stories where you can tell that the parents' intent was correction, was even care, but what ended up happening was just immense hurt. Sure. Right. And so, like I heard a story recently, I can be very vague in this one. I heard a story recently where something bad happened to mom and the child, and the mom's response, I think we can all understand, was to get the kid into a safe place, who then immediately, like another family member, who then immediately put the kid to bed. And then, you know, the kid woke up the next day not really even sure where they were, what was happening. Gotcha. Like, you know, in just the disillusion. We can see that that mom's response was one of care, right? I I want I'm gonna try to do what's best for my kid and get them into a safe place. Yeah. But what ended up happening was even more confusion, even more fear, even more doubt, like because the kid didn't know what was gonna happen to mom or what would happen to mom. And you know, so there's all of that wounded that then happened the next day. So it it really wasn't about, you know, and if they go back and talk to their mom about it, they would say something like, Oh, but I just wanted to take care of you. Yes, of course you did. That was the intent, but the harm still happened, and you know, really being able to hold the fact that harm happened that you did not intend for it to happen. That's the hard thing as a parent. Yeah. Because every I think most parents, every parent wants to prevent harm from happening, and so then when we hear it, we get really sad. We get then defensive of like, but you didn't see all the things I tried. And I think that ends up undermining our attempt to actually repair.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, it's fighting that initial reaction and keeping it in for a little bit, right? Listening well, tell me about it. Tell me about what that was like for you. And and then it's saying, okay, is there something I need to do different in the future? Because sometimes these things are just really hurtful, harmful things that happened when they were kids, and it's not still going on, but they're still carrying it. Sometimes they speak to themes that are ongoing kind of situations, correct.
Brad Aldrich:But I, you know, just to get back to our overall principle, you're saying, and I think correctly saying that sometimes the reason why adult kids don't want to come around or don't want to bring their grandkids around is because there is unhealed hurts from the past that maybe they've tried to talk to you about and have felt stonewalled.
Kate Aldrich:Or, or, and maybe they haven't tried to talk to you about it, right? And that may feel like an injustice for you as a parent, but I would say it's our jobs to cultivate a space where they can talk to us. It's our job to not only cultivate a space, but also keep asking or keep saying, like, hey, if you ever need to process something with us from your childhood that we didn't do well, we are here, we want to hear it, right? And and so, like, trying to open that up so that they feel like they can.
Brad Aldrich:So you I think those words are really important. You're saying we should go back to adult children and say, Hey, if there's anything that is preventing us from having a relationship right now that happened in the past and you want to talk about it, I'm ready to listen.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah. I think every adult parent should do it because your kiddos need the invite, right? Like, and maybe you've, you know, cultivated a lot of talk in your family, but that doesn't mean we're necessarily comfortable talking about really hard things or places we've harmed each other or haven't done well. So I think doing the invite is crucial. Yeah, right. Um, and I think it's crucial because life stages stages are going to change. Our kids, most likely out of four of them, are gonna have some partners in life. Um, and there may be things they want to talk about then, right? Like they're just opening that up is necessary and not just assuming that you've done everything perfectly or or avoiding talking about the things you haven't done perfectly.
Brad Aldrich:So the two things that we've pulled out so far is one, it's it is the adult's responsibility to reach out to the adult children and to navigating that and to be doing that in care, not in how are you taking care of me. Right. So watching the guilt trip of how you're taking care of me. The other is being willing and able to deal with real hurts from the past that your kids may be processing, whether it be in therapy or somewhere, and trying to help them to un you know to deal with that. So, in addition to those, what are the things that are keeping kids or you know, are encouraging, I think, adult kids to putting up boundaries with their parents and what should the parents do about it?
Kate Aldrich:So, wait, your question is what is encouraging them to put up boundaries? Where are they getting that from?
Brad Aldrich:Where are they why are they getting why are they doing it? Not even just what's encouraging, like what's making it so that they feel like they have to.
Kate Aldrich:Sure. I mean, I think boundaries is another pendulum we could talk about. Like that that has definitely happened over the years, but I think the reason people feel like boundaries is the right next step is because you're not approachable to talk to about it.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:I I'm or approachable to talk to about it, or the difference in your kid, like you're trying to fit all of your kids into one box, and we have to all be together on the holiday, and they everybody has to like doing this, and everybody has to right.
Brad Aldrich:Well, I think it even keeps keep going, keep going, because I think it gets deeper a lot of times. We all have to believe the same things, we all have to vote the same way, we all have to think the same things about what's going on in the news, we all have to, you know, think the same things about church, and we have to have the same you know, level of values and and that kind of stuff as well.
Kate Aldrich:Okay, yeah, for sure. Instead of like, what can this look like? Yeah, what I mean, I think it would be fantastic if our kids could all get together at some point as they grow older, but I also don't know where they're gonna be. And if we do all get together, there is a space of like, can we all honor where everyone is at?
Brad Aldrich:Right. Can we all look different and be okay with that?
Kate Aldrich:Well, we all look different. Can we go beyond that? We all believe potentially differently. Would it be nice to have all of my kids believe the way I believe? I don't know. But I don't know why why would I need that?
Brad Aldrich:Well, I think that is a fundamental difference where we've done some work on ourselves that we have said, hey, uh, you know, it's okay if our kids grow out in different ways and you know come to understand things differently than we do. I think a lot of people that creates fear, right? It is this fear that says if they don't believe this, then sure they're not saved, then they're gonna be wrong. And and that extends, I believe, I've seen often much more than just um simple, do they believe in Jesus or not? Like I if they don't do it in this way, if they don't live it out in this way, if they don't believe this group of people is bad, if they don't like uh there's so many things where I think our beliefs are very ingrained right now that when we see somebody out of group, out of that ingrained belief, we go, I don't know how to have be in relationship with them. And this actually hits both sides, right? And I I would encourage families to just be okay with we can believe differently.
Kate Aldrich:Amen.
Brad Aldrich:But so many people, and I've worked with people who are like, my parents' beliefs are directly impacting my life, and I can't tolerate that anymore. So I need to stand up against their negative beliefs, and I've heard parents go, the way my kids are living is directly against my political or religious beliefs, and so I can't tolerate that anymore. And they get to the place where the belief is above relationship, yeah, and and that's sad to me.
Kate Aldrich:I mean, I think there are reasons, I think there are curiosities. I I don't want to sound judgmental, but it's sad to me because I don't think we saw Jesus break relationship with anybody. I mean, he was really he was really like angry at the Pharisees and the Sadducees, but we don't see him not uh interact with them. He is often calling them out. Um, and and even Judas, like he knew what he was about to do.
Brad Aldrich:And I mean, people use this cliche, but he washed his feet, like he he still included him, he could have broken relationship with him and said, I know what you're about to do, get out, like no, the the only one that I can think of, and he's still Jesus still was in relationship with him, was the person that we title in scriptures the rich young ruler, who Jesus interacted with, or actually he came up to Jesus and he said, You know, what do I need to do to you know achieve the kingdom of heaven? What do I need to do to be the best? And Jesus answer, relatively simple answer, was follow the Ten Commandments. And look, if if you know a little bit about faith and you read those Ten Commandments, you know, like there's some really hard stuff in there. Some of them is easy. I haven't murdered anybody, right? Okay, check. I got that.
Kate Aldrich:But but Jesus changes that because he says if you murder someone in your heart, right?
Brad Aldrich:Right? Like, but even beyond that, like, you know, there are ones that are really difficult and are should be life-changing. And the rich young ruler's answer to Jesus is, oh, I've done all of that since I'm young, which is arrogant and totally not introspective, right? He's he is saying, I don't even understand myself well enough. I've just seen the checklist and sure I can do the checklist.
Kate Aldrich:Understand you, Jesus.
Brad Aldrich:So Jesus's then response is like directly challenging, and I think kind of a little like get away from me of like, okay, fine, go sell everything you own, and then you will be justified, right? And because he knew like this person wasn't about to do that, and it I think it was a place where Jesus was like rolling his eyes a little bit at this person, but in general, like I agree to insert eye roll insert eye roll by Brad, though, but by Brad, not I but I agree with you, and I think this is an important principle, like, because I do we work with a lot of Christian parents who are very worried about their kids who have gone off into different avenues of things, aren't living the way they had hoped. Aren't walking in the way they would like.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:And have cut off relationship with them and said, no, I'm not going to honor the choices that they've made because I think those make those choices are bad. And I just come back to you know every one of those scriptures that shows me Jesus was happy to have dinner with people. He was happy to sit in and be with people who were not walking the way that he would want them to. So why is it that we have to cut off relationship in order to show them that they're being bad? Like that just doesn't make any sense to me.
Kate Aldrich:And Jesus did the exact opposite. Jesus chose to always pursue the relationship over the sin, over what else was going on in their lives. He chose the relationship.
Brad Aldrich:Correct.
Kate Aldrich:Isn't that how we got a savior?
Brad Aldrich:I exactly.
Kate Aldrich:He chose the relationship over the sin.
Brad Aldrich:So I so like I would really challenge Christian parents.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm not even saying everything's sin by any means.
Brad Aldrich:Oh, exactly. But but Christian parents who are going, I can't be in relationship with my kid because living this way. And I can't be in relationship with my kid's partner because I disagree with the choices that they're making. They're living together, they're you know homosexual, they're whatever you want to throw in there, you know, saying I'm saying I can't be in relationship with them because I don't think that you're following Jesus. I I mean I'll just be blunt. I don't think you're following Jesus. You think you're bringing them to Jesus by cutting somebody out, you're wrong.
Kate Aldrich:Because it's not absolutely, because it's not what Jesus did. He pursued the relationship.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:No matter what.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah.
Kate Aldrich:And you need to too. I mean, we're gonna be strong here, but like if if your child is pulling away from you, you are the one who should be pursuing and asking the questions. Your kiddo shouldn't have to come to you. Although if you've given the invite come to me anytime, then they can. But if you notice something, that's attunement. If you notice something's off in your relationship, something's off with your child in general, it's the ask of like, hey, tell me what's going on, right? Also the freedom to say, like, and we've told our kids at times, like, you don't have to tell us, but we wanted you to know we notice and we're here. Right. And so it's the invite, it it doesn't, it shouldn't then turn into, because I want to be cautious that it doesn't turn into, well, I've asked you, now you have to tell me. No, like that's not right. Some things may be just your kiddo says thanks for noticing, but it's you know, something between me and my spouse, and I don't want to share, or fine, whatever it may be, or I'm not ready to share yet. Like it could be lots of things, but the attunement says you matter and I recognize something is wrong.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, and really we want parents to be the safe place. It doesn't matter if your kids are 18 or 35. Absolutely to be the safe place that is not demanding, is not creating more tension, is not creating more expectations, but is being the safe place that they can come to when they're ready.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah.
Brad Aldrich:And I think all too often what I hear is that it's shifted. It's why can't my kids meet my needs? Why can't my kids now, you know, make me happy? I want to be with the grandkids, so why can't my kids do that? Why want to, you know, and just flipping the script so that the kids are responsible for taking care of you? And I would say this is where we need more community and more relationships, more people in our lives because it is not your kids' responsibility to take care of you.
Kate Aldrich:And I would I would put, I mean, there's so many, so much in this subject, but I would put a little side note in there. You're why can't I spend time with my grandkids? We don't have any yet. So I do honor there are complexities there. Your kids are gonna raise their kids the way they see best. And you may not always agree with that. It's your job to support them in what they've chosen.
Brad Aldrich:Yes.
Kate Aldrich:Obviously, unless they're doing something heinous or wrong. It's not your job when you have your grandkids to parent them the way you think they should be parented for the three hours that you have them right, and then let your kids know what you think they're doing wrong. It's your job to support them. This is their go-around, right? Like it's not your anyways. So, but that that is one thing we hear a lot.
Brad Aldrich:Yeah, we hear it a lot.
Kate Aldrich:And I think that's more from the what that's gonna be like the kids with their kids of oh, I I I thought young adult kids, I was this is such a breeze. Our young adult kids are phenomenal, but there are times it's tripped me up, and I'm like, oop, I didn't anticipate that I would feel that, feel that and want to do that, you know. And so Brad and I, I think, I feel like are constantly having those conversations and we're constantly doing the hey, now I need to watch out for that. Can you watch out for that with me? Like, I don't want to do that to them. I don't, you know, like different things that we see coming up because it is normal humanness to get tripped up by all of this.
Brad Aldrich:I and I also want to honor that it's different for each kid, right? Like they of course it is have different personalities, and so you're going to have one kid who wants to reach out and talk more often than another. You're going to have one kid who wants to tell you about things and one that doesn't, and it's not right or wrong. And it's not your job to pit one against the other.
Kate Aldrich:Well, I was, yeah, I was gonna. It's yeah, I don't know where you're going with that, but I think it is a parent's job. We have four kids to try to help all of the siblings honor where all of the siblings are, which can be hard, right? Like we also set the tone for hey, your siblings making different choices. Can you can you love them and honor them where they are? You don't have to agree with it. That's not what we're asking of you, but can you love them and honor them where they are?
Brad Aldrich:How do you feel? And I'm actually asking this because I haven't really processed it. How do you feel about the parents being the conduit of sibling information? Right? Like so you call your parent and find out what your siblings are doing.
Kate Aldrich:No, no, it's a bad idea. You're you're and you're making your kids feel like they're always in the middle, right? Like, no, it's your it's we've already experienced this with our kids having things happen in their lives, and we'll say, Do you want us to share that with the siblings? Because sometimes it's easier with like breakups we've experienced. Yeah, something like sometimes it's like I don't really want to talk about that right now, but I would like my siblings to know that's fine, but you ask permission, they're adults, and then we've had some siblings say, Oh, well, what happened in that situation? That's not my story to tell.
Brad Aldrich:You have to find out yourself, right?
Kate Aldrich:That's that's yours to ask and your siblings to decide whether or not they want to share. Right. Right? It doesn't just because you can have a good relationship with your siblings, I believe, and not know everything going on. So I think like, no, parents, don't get in the middle of the siblings, and you need to listen because some things that might come out might be we feel like you favored this one over this one, like, or you, you know, like those are gonna be things you're probably gonna have to hear. Um, if you have siblings, I think it's a it's unfortunately a natural part of having siblings.
Brad Aldrich:I I think it's it is a slippery slope because sometimes it's just normal and natural, it's like, oh yeah, did you hear your sister got a new job? Or, you know, it's just like whatever, it can be just normal and healthy. But I think it's such a slippery slope that if it feels like all of the information comes to you through through your parents, then you're assuming everything you tell your parents is going everywhere else, right? And you then feel like, but it's always coming with an editorial as well, right? It's not just the the information. So yeah, I do think it it's probably a slippery slip.
Kate Aldrich:I don't think you need to I you're so like and then I think sometimes grandparents' parents get in this loop of like, well, I'll I'll just tell her. No. And you're trying to also cultivate closeness between your kids. Right. Because now you all know everything. Like, and I can't tell you how many times I've heard about group family group chats where people get really offended and hurt, right? To me, family group chats, this is our philosophy, or at least mine. Brad doesn't you don't I we have a group chat with our kids, we don't use it a ton. I text funny things, he texts dad jokes. You can probably anticipate funny things, anticipate how that goes. Um, anyways, he texts dad jokes, I text funny memes, and then every once in a while it's like something informational. Like I sent them all a picture of my brother's wedding. Um, you know, like but I don't use it to communicate hard things. If you need to communicate hard things, or you find yourself being tempted to be passive aggressive, do not put it in the group text. Like, I don't know. I've just heard lots of people say, like, I feel like I need to see my way out of the family group text because right. And then there's the whole thing of spouses being included or not included. Like, we hear it all, guys. And um, you know, I plan to ask, none of our kids have spouses. I plan to ask them, is it is it best? Like, I feel like I don't want that new person into our family to not feel included. So can we include them in the group chat? Is that okay?
Brad Aldrich:Like we definitely want them there.
Kate Aldrich:I would want them there too, but we have to honor what the spouse might want. Like, I don't want your weird family group chat.
Brad Aldrich:Like, like there are, you know, like how would they get my dad jokes then?
Kate Aldrich:Well, it's gonna be it's gonna be okay.
Brad Aldrich:They're gonna be okay with it. Um I'm sitting here thinking of all the dad jokes I could tell the podcast.
Kate Aldrich:Can we be honest that most of the time, not most of the time, and I think our four kids love, well, and I think they love dad jokes as much as they can, but many times he'll tell a joke and it'll be like a you have to respond, like, oh, what is that? And nobody responds, and then I get a text from him, nobody's responded. So then I respond, and then all of the kids interact with it. So um, yeah.
Brad Aldrich:The groans are victory enough. It's good.
Kate Aldrich:But um, there was one other thing I was thinking about. I I said I often give people a formula for what does it look like to invite your kid out and listen well? Yeah, right. The the end piece that I didn't, because we kind of went off on several subjects, but once you've heard it and you've said, like, are there different things that I could do? How can we make this different in the future? You know, if you need to ask forgiveness as a parent, ask forgiveness, like all of that. But then the other thing that I have said, which is I think a piece people forget about, is that's where you're done with your kiddo. Well, not really. You keep pursuing them in that, keep doing the changes that they mentioned. But what do you do with the fact that you're sitting there as a parent, irritated because you're like, that's not how it happened.
Brad Aldrich:Right. You go to your trusted friend, your therapist, your spouse, spouse, and go is really hard because there's so much more to this story, or there's other pieces, and that you know, I tried and I'm really hurt that it ended up hurting them. And you you let other people help you carry it. It's not you. And process it and carry it.
Kate Aldrich:Right. But what you the way you talked about it there is so different than right. And I always say your best friend, your therapist, your coach, your mentor, your spouse, right? The the inner circle, only the inner circle. If you're telling a lot of other people what's going on with your children, you've got to be curious about that. But only your inner circle, because you know they want the best for your relationship with you and your child. Right. And it's not a gripe session. Oh, you can't uh believe what my kid told me. That's not what it is. It's I need you to help me sit with the fact that I heard something really hard and their truth is this.
Brad Aldrich:Right.
Kate Aldrich:And I remember it happening very differently. And I remember prioritizing this, but all that they processed and felt was this, right? And it's it's we get to honor honor you in the hardness of you were trying usually to be a decent parent. Yeah, and it didn't work, and your kid got missed and they got hurt, and so like there's that, but also those people are gonna hold the truth of what your kiddo said with you.
Brad Aldrich:And I want to honor there's a story I tell sometimes of harm um that happened to a kiddo that when the kid went back and got the parents' context, it did actually help to understand some of that harm. It doesn't erase the harm, and that's the difference. Understand it. Oh, okay, I can see this larger context. It still was harm, right? So that's the difference. We we expect as parents to go, oh, if I tell you the rest of the story, then you won't feel hurt anymore. No, it's still harm, yeah, but sometimes that context can really help. Absolutely. And to go, oh, okay, I I can see a larger picture here, I can see, you know, what those can be really positive, but we it does not erase the story, it does not erase the truths. And I think that's something we need to carry as parents that that's not our kids' job, right? So I I want to just go uh out on a limb here and say if your kids have put up boundaries with you, that's actually a good thing. There's not a negative. If your kids are keeping you at arm's length, if they have directly cut you off, what do you do? How do you respond to that? And the first thing I want to do is for you to do as much as you can to honor the boundary that they put in place. Because if they put in a boundary and you don't honor it, all you're doing is steamrolling over them.
Kate Aldrich:You're solidifying what they've already or what they're contemplating.
Brad Aldrich:So I think you need to honor the boundary as much as possible and then find a way, hopefully within the boundary, of communicating to them, hey, I've gotten somebody I can talk to, I've gotten a coach, I've gotten a counselor that I can talk to about this stuff because I want to heal this relationship with you. I want to do it better. I am able to hold the hard things that you want to tell me. You so if you can still speak to them, get to that place where you're doing the hard work so that then you can hold the hard things they need to say. If you haven't done that, great. If they've put up all the boundaries, you find a written way so that it's not a direct contact. You can send them a note, you can send them, you know, a letter or something that says that hey, I'm ready to hold this hard stuff because I love you enough and I don't want you to help me. I want to help you, right? Like that we're giving it. And I know that doesn't work all the time. I know there's been lots of broken boundaries and broken trust and broken a lot of heart hurt, but I think it's an important place to try to reach out.
Kate Aldrich:Yeah, for sure.
Brad Aldrich:I hope that helps some people this holiday season who are scratching their heads about why their kids are putting distance up. And it really is something that's happening now because, like Kate said, the pendulum swung. And I think we've even said that as boundaries come up, as we understand family differently, family has become family of choice rather than family of genetics. And that's something that this generation has embraced, and so that often leaves the family of genetics on the outside of it. This is some of the reasons why. Yeah. So I do hope that you get something out of that. Yeah. So we'd love to hear from you. You know, drop us uh a like on um Instagram or that's amazing.
Kate Aldrich:I like it.
Brad Aldrich:Send us a message, you can reach us at help at stillbecoming one.com. You can send us an email, you can send us a DM on Instagram. Um until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich:And I'm Kate Aldrich. Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich:Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich Ministries. For more information about Brad and Kate's coaching ministry, courses, and speaking opportunities, you can find us at Aldrich Ministries.com. For podcast show notes and links to resources in all of our social media. Be sure to visit us at stillbecoming one dot com. And don't forget to like this episode wherever you get your podcasts. And be sure to follow us to continue your journey on Still Becoming One.