186: 5 Wedding Day Social Media Mistakes Couples Don't See Coming

You might have arranged an unplugged ceremony, but what about the other 8 to 18 hours of your wedding day when it’s entirely up to your guests as to whether they take photos or video.

While many couples don’t mind what’s captured, they often do care about what’s posted to social media, who gets tagged, and when. 

Today I’m tackling the stuff the unplugged ceremony conversation never touches: spoilers, livestream complications, ex-partners, tricky family dynamics, children being posted without consent and more. 

You’ll also learn about what one of my couples did this year when they realised that no amount of planning was going to guarantee that their wedding day was going to be what they wanted and why it might be the most brilliant and useful mindset shift of the entire almost 4 years of the Unbridely podcast. 

Resources Mentioned:

Send Unbridely a 90-second audio message on Speakpipe: https://www.speakpipe.com/unbridelypodcast

*The Unbridely Podcast is sponsored by its listeners. When you purchase products or services through links on our website or via the podcast, we may earn an affiliate commission.*

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This episode of the Unbridely Modern Wedding Planning Podcast is brought to you by Never Miss Moments Unbridely's recommended wedding guest photo and video-sharing tool. With your unique QR code, your family and friends can quickly, easily and securely share their snaps with you in your personalised online gallery.

Visit nevermissmoments.com/unbridely to receive your 10% discount on your gallery.

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Unbridely acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we record this podcast on, the Kaurna People. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.

Transcript

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You've probably heard of an unplug ceremony. You've probably considered it and you might have even locked it in and it's a great idea. An unplug ceremony means your guests put their phone or cameras away while you exchange your vows and your photographer can actually do their job without a sea of iPads blocking the aisle or Uncle Kevin jostling them for a great angle. But here's what many people miss. An unplugged ceremony covers about 20 to 30 minutes of your wedding day, and the other 8 to 18 hours from the getting ready, travel, cocktail hour, family photos, wedding party photos, portraits, reception, the speeches, the dance floor, and the exit, well, that's entirely up to your guess as to whether or not they take photos or video then. To be honest, by that stage of the day, many couples don't care about what's captured, but they probably do care about what's posted to social media. And use your discretion, which is what most couples default to, is not a policy. It's an invitation for every single person in the room to make their own call about what gets posted on social media, who gets tagged, and when. Today I'm getting into the stuff that the unplug ceremony conversation never touches. Spoilers, live stream complications, ex-partners resurfacing through tagged photos, children on strangers' Instagram accounts without their parents even knowing. It keeps going. And I'll also share what one of my couples did this year when they realized that no amount of planning was going to fully control the humans at their wedding, which, you know, is fair enough. Why it's a brilliant mindset shift in this episode, and perhaps one of the most useful mindset shifts of the entire almost four years of the Unbridly Podcast. I think you're gonna love it. Let's get stuck into it. Unbridly is a community of pro-wedding vendors who believe in freedom and integrity in weddings, giving you options, solutions, tips and tricks to create the experience and memories that you and your fiance really want and deserve. Because we believe that weddings are a team sport. With how-to's, stories and interviews with recently married couples, we find out what went right and what they've changed if they could go back and do it all over again. I'm Camille and welcome to the Unbridly Podcast. So why is use your discretion not going to work for you? Most couples, when they think about social media and their wedding, default to one of two positions. The first, we're having an unplugged ceremony, so we're good. And the second position is we're not doing anything about it because you can't stop anyone anyway. People can and will post what they want. And both of those approaches are completely valid choices, but what I want to challenge today is the assumption that you've actually thought it through. Because guests can do what they want is not really a policy. It's an absence of one. And I'm not saying you need to sit down and draft out a policy, send it out to your friends and family, and go, this is what needs to happen. What we're talking about here is a bit of a social contract. And if this is starting to sound like a bit heavy-handed to you, here's why it matters. Because discretion, inverted commas, means something different to every single person that you've ever met, let's face facts, and definitely every single person at your wedding, the people that you're inviting, your closest family and friends. So to your best friend who's been with you through everything. Discretion might mean waiting for your okay before they post something. To your dad's work colleague, who was invited as a plus one and doesn't really know you, discretion might mean posting a lovely photo of the table centerpiece, you know, knowing no one's in it, with the location tag. Pretty harmless, right? And to your 22-year-old cousin who has 40,000 followers and documents everything, discretion might mean sharing a TikTok of the day while you're still on the dance floor. None of these people think they're doing anything wrong. And that's solely because you didn't tell them what you wanted. You didn't tell them otherwise. So this episode is really about helping you figure out what you actually want and then giving you the tools to be able to communicate that with the people you love. I think the biggest problem with social media posting at weddings are the spoilers. Because this is the thing that I've seen cause the most upset and hurt feelings. And I also believe it's the one that couples think about the least in advance. There are two types of spoilers that can happen at a wedding: spoilers for the couple and spoilers for people who aren't there. So, couple first. The most obvious one is the dress reveal. So you've kept your dress a secret, a surprise from your partner for months. And your photographer has a stunning first look planned, and then your maid of honour, who is just as obsessed with your dress as you and is so excited she can barely contain it, posts a getting ready photo to her stories. Then your partner sees it, and the first look moment, that beautiful surprise, evaporated. But it's not just the dress, it could be a surprise performance that you've arranged, a video message from someone who couldn't make it that you're going to play at the reception, or a meaningful moment that you wanted your partner to experience in real time, in real life, not via someone else's excitable shaky video. These are the types of moments you can't get back. And the person who posted it didn't mean any harm. They were, you know it, super excited for you. They either didn't know, didn't think, or were just caught up in the moment. What about the spoilers for people who aren't there? And it might not be something you're thinking of. So this one is becoming more and more relevant as live streaming becomes a standard part of weddings, especially for couples who have family or friends overseas, or guests who can't travel for health reasons. You know, there's a lot of grandparents in particular of my couples at the moment who, you know, their health is sort of borderline and they might not be able to travel or go through all the highs and lows of a wedding day. If you're setting up a private live stream for people who can't be there in person, and a guest goes live on Instagram during your ceremony or your first dance, those people are probably now watching your wedding through the cracked lens of someone else's phone from their perspective, sometimes with bad to terrible sound and a partially obstructed view, instead of the experience you actually set up and paid for for them. And this mistake is really simple to catch early and easy to address. It just means you need to mention it. And so a simple line on your wedding website or an MC announcement that says, We're live streaming for family who can't be here. So please hold off on posting anything or going live yourself during the ceremony and formalities. And most people, when they understand why, will absolutely respect that. So here are a few complications that people just aren't thinking about. Okay, so this is a bit of a difficulty that I'd like you to be aware of because these are the scenarios that almost never get mentioned in the conversation and they are real and they are nuanced. Sometimes it means protecting your loved ones and their privacy, and that's when ex-partners and complicated family dynamics are involved. And here's the kicker: sometimes you won't even know that these relationships exist or existed in the past because many people are embarrassed or ashamed, and that they won't share the details of a coercive or controlling relationship with their family and friends because they think it will reflect on them. Unfortunately, in this day and age, I think it's pretty reasonable to assume that most of us will know someone who has been in a less than healthy relationship in their past. And it may not extend to anything dangerous, but also it might have, and you wouldn't even be aware of it. Because weddings by their nature often bring people together who don't normally occupy the same space. There might be divorced parents who are both there but never interact in everyday life. There might be a guest who has a complicated history with your partner. There might be a family member who is estranged from someone else at the table or someone else who is looking at stuff on social media. So when guests post freely and they tag people and they tag locations, those posts can land in any number of unexpected people's social media feeds. An ex-partner scrolling through Instagram might not need to see every detail of the day that they weren't invited to. Or a family member who is estranged from a sibling might be suddenly confronted with content that brings up a lot of history and emotions and hurt for them. And of course, I'm not saying that you can control all of this or maybe any of it, you can't. But what's worth thinking about is whether a soft please check before you tag request is something that would serve your specific guest list. Now let's talk about children. This one is genuinely underestimated. But in light of events of the past couple of years, about children and recordings of children being passed around. If children are attending your wedding, their parents, you can you can rest assured, they have made very deliberate choices about how much of their kids' lives they share online. So some parents they share freely, and others keep their children completely off social media. There could be privacy reasons, safety reasons, it doesn't matter. It's their right and it's their choice. So when a guest posts a gorgeous photo of the flower girls walking down the aisle and then tags it publicly, they may have just put images of someone else's child on the internet without that parent's knowledge or consent. And this is not a small thing. And it's not something that the guests would even have thought to ask about. Maybe because nobody told them, maybe they don't hold the same values or concerns, and they just saw the surface level, gorgeous flower girls, let's share it. This is a beautiful moment. A simple liney communication, something like we ask that guests check with parents before posting photos that include children. It can completely take care of this. It's a kindness and a consideration to those who are parents at your wedding, and it's a reflection of the kind of host you are. Do you know what one of the biggest regrets of newly married couples is? They'll say, I wish I had more memories from my wedding day. It was my favorite day. And one of the smartest ways I've seen couples do this is by making sure that they arrange a quick, foolproof, and really simple way to collect and share their guests' wedding photos. Because if you think about it, with an average wedding of, say, a hundred guests, with every one of them taking five photos or videos, I mean, they'll take much more, of course, but I'm talking about the good ones. That's an opportunity for you to collect and download 500 extra photos and videos of their perspective on your wedding day. The stuff that happened that you didn't even get to see. But your barriers are overly complicated instructions or processes. Let's face it, if it takes too long, forces your guest into registering, if you've got to use a certain social media platform, or it's just a pain in the ass. And I'm looking at you, Dropbox and Google Drive. Your family and friends just won't do it. And the tech fear and privacy concerns too, because no one wants to download yet another app that has a data breach. Never miss moments is an essential resource for busy soon-to-beweds just like you. Your unlimited photo and video gallery is held in a secure server for 12 months, and for your guests, it's a one-click QR code solution. There's no app to download, no need to register, and it's quick. Win-win. Your guests will be able to look back on and reminisce about your wedding, and your fam and friends' different perspectives of your wedding day is such an incredible lifelong gift for you too. The team at Never Miss Moments are obsessed with giving you the very best customer service. And I'm stoked to be able to pass on their special 10% off discount offer on their galleries when you go to never miss moments.com forward slash unbridly. So that's never miss moments, all one word, dot com forward slash unbridly, which in case you don't already know, U N B R I D E L Y. The discount will show up in your cart automatically. And of course, I'll pop the link in the show notes for you as well. And finally, your wedding is a private event. I think we've all become so accustomed to everything being documented and shared that we've forgotten that this is actually true. Your wedding is not, maybe it is, please message me if it is. But generally, your wedding is not a public event. You choose who's going to be there. You create something intimate, and you're allowed to have preferences about how that event is shared with the rest of the world. Now, in my eyes, that's not controlling and it's not dramatic. It's just being thoughtful about your own life and about your own people. So, how do we actually communicate this? Let's get practical here. So you figured out what you want. How do you actually tell your family and friends? The key thread here, I believe, is being warm, positive, and give a bit of a reason. Because nine times out of ten, people comply with requests far more readily when they understand why they're being asked. Because please don't post lands very differently to we'd love you to be fully present, and here's why. So here are four touch points for your guests where this communication fits naturally and is best received, in my experience. So first is on your wedding website. And this is a great place for more detailed preferences because when your friends and family are looking at your wedding website, they're in planning mode, they're working out what days they might need off, whether they need to travel, whether they're buying your gift. So when they visit it, it feels informational rather than bossy. So you can have a really short on the day section that covers things like phones, social media, anything else that's relevant. And this is also where you could mention things about children in photos, tagging preferences, things like that. The second place is on your invitation details card. So keep it brief if you're going to put it on there, just one or two lines, and just enough to plant the seed before the day. Because what I tell my couples is you need to say this more than once. People won't remember. But you can, as I said, plant the seed, and then they'll go, Oh yeah, I remember. They didn't want us to do that. Third is a little sign at your ceremony, a small, beautifully designed sign at the entrance to your ceremony space. Um, it's physical, it's seen as people walk in, it's that gentle reminder again, and just before your ceremonies start. So you're just getting in front of them at the right time. And the fourth touch point is with your celebrant, your officiant, andor your MC announcement. So this is arguably the best and most effective time because it's live, it's in the room, and it's from someone that hopefully your guests are accustomed to listen to and they're likely to trust. So a good MC can deliver a social media request with warmth, bit of humor, and it does land completely differently to reading it on a card. Make sure your efficient or MC knows exactly what you want them to say. So don't leave it vague, exactly when, exactly what. And one more last little point worth highlighting here: the green light moment. So, way back in my 20th century Fox days, it was called a publicity embargo. And that's when a select few get an early preview before the official release date, and they're trusted to not spill the beans until the end of the publicity embargo. So if you're asking guests to hold off on posting for a time that's later on, then give them a clear signal for when they can. Maybe it's when you share your very own first professional photo. You know, you get your sneak peeks and you go, love these, and you can put it up and announce your marriage to the wider world. Maybe it's just after the ceremony, maybe that's all you need. People are so much more comfortable and happy to wait when they know exactly how long that wait is. And lastly, I want to mention what you can't control. I want to be completely honest with you because I think it would just be a bit of a sunshine and lollipops episode if I just glossed over this. As I'm sure you've already experienced in your lifetime, you can communicate your wishes clearly, kindly, and repeatedly, and someone will still post something that they shouldn't have. That is just the reality of having humans at your wedding. It might be someone who didn't read the website, it could be someone who got swept up in the moment, it might be someone who just doesn't think it's a big deal in the way that you do. And I think most couples could probably predict who that person will be. One of my couples earlier this year had a few things actually that they suspected that their dysfunctional family and handful of less than reliable friends might do that could upset them on their wedding day, that they really didn't want them to do, but you know, they were they were expecting it. So we ended up flipping that anxiety and deciding to expect that something would go wrong, even with all of their meticulous planning for the wedding. We decided they were gonna laugh about it together instead. And so I created a bingo sheet, a special one just for them, to complete in the days after their wedding, you know, when you're sitting down and you're chatting about what happened, you know, you're debriefing about what you saw and you know how it felt and things like that. And so there were things on their bingo sheet like bride's mum takes photos during unplugged ceremony, and friend speech goes completely off the rails because he hadn't prepared for it. And um, I think my favorite was the groom's mum brings her own wine because the groom's mum was unimpressed with the selection that the couple had made, uh, and she preferred cask wine, and she said she was going to bring it. So that was one of the squares on their bingo sheet. So if someone doesn't do what you've asked them to do and it happens on the day, and you find out about it, or maybe afterwards, you have a choice. Please don't forget, you can reach out to them privately, you can explain again why this matters to you and ask them to take the picture, the video down from social media. Most people, when approached kindly, given that reason, they'll do this immediately and they'll feel terrible that they caused any distress. There are others who just don't care. So the other side is you can just let this go. And sometimes that is the easiest way forward. Here's what I want you to focus on on your actual wedding day. You should have better things to do, the monitoring TikTok or Instagram or something. You should be having the time of your life and be present in every single moment that you've spent months and maybe years working on together. The goal of everything I've shared today is for sure reduce the chances of something going wrong, but it's not a guarantee of a perfect outcome. Because a perfect outcome, a lot of the time, like in your future marriage and life in general, it just isn't possible. And chasing that perfection will take you out of your own wedding. So my best advice is set your preferences, communicate them kindly, and then trust that your family and friends will mostly do the right thing and let it go. So just to recap, an unplug ceremony is not a social media policy. Remember, your ceremony is only about 20, 30 minutes of your day, and the rest of it needs a bit of thought. Guests can use their discretion, is not a policy, it's an absence of one. And discretion means something different to every single person you've invited. The stuff worth thinking about though, whether there'll be spoilers for you, spoilers for people who are interstate overseas, live streaming, ex-partners, and complicated dynamics being accidentally surfaced through tagging, children appearing without their parents' consent, and the fact that your wedding is a private event and you're allowed to have feelings about how it's shared with others. Communicate warmly, give that reason, tell them several times, whether it's website, details card, uh offician announcement, MC announcement, ceremony sign, you know, and give your guests a clear green light moment so they're not just sitting on that amazing photo of that incredible moment forever. And then let go of what you can't control and be present for each other and take the time to enjoy what you've created together. If this episode was useful, please share it with an engaged friend because this is one of the best ways that you can support the Unbridly Podcast. And if you've got something you'd love for me to cover, a topic, a hot topic, you can leave me a voice message via Speakpipe. The link is in the show notes. I'll be with you next week. And I've got some amazing voices that I've interviewed recently and insights that I cannot wait to share with you that I have from people all over the world. But until then, celebrate your people. That about wraps it up for this episode of the Umbradly Podcast. For the links and resources we mentioned, please head to the show notes. And if you love the show, please review and subscribe on the podcast platform you're on now so you don't miss out on a single episode. Thanks so much for listening, and remember, weddings are a team sport. Catch you soon.