188: Can You Say 'I Do' Without Selling Out? with Syclaire Warren

While you might not label yourself as a feminist, most of my listeners believe in the value of equality.

And that means that some traditional wedding customs definitely don't sit well with you. But your wedding doesn't have to be all or nothing, and this episode is going to show you exactly how to make it yours.

My guest, Synclaire Warren, is a Gender Equity Leader, Key Note Speaker, and bride-to-be, who’s planning her very own wedding for this September. And when she announced her engagement online, many people commented that she was a sellout. A fake. That she was perpetuating a patriarchal institution.

So today we are talking about what it actually looks like to hold strong values and still want a beautiful wedding.

How to choose your own adventure when every tradition comes loaded with history and reflects a different era. 

And how you, whether you're getting married or not, can live by what you believe without turning every dinner conversation into a debate.

RESOURCES

Synclaire Warren on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/synclaire.warren/

www.synclairewarren.com

Vow for Girls: https://vowforgirls.org/

Send Unbridely a 90-second audio message on Speakpipe: https://www.speakpipe.com/unbridelypodcast

*The Unbridely Podcast is sponsored by its listeners. When you purchase products or services through links on our website or via the podcast, we may earn an affiliate commission.*

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This episode of the Unbridely Modern Wedding Planning Podcast is brought to you by Unbridely’s ebook How To Write Wedding Vows That Don’t Suck 

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This is for YOU if you want to write the unique and heartfelt wedding vows your fiancé deserves, but don't know where to start. 🤔

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Unbridely acknowledges the Traditional Owners of the Land we record this podcast on, the Kaurna People. We pay our respects to their Elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Do you believe that women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job? Do you believe that every girl deserves access to an education? Or that a person should be able to choose who they marry and when or even if they marry it all? While you might not label yourself as a feminist, most of my listeners believe in the value of equality. And that means that some traditional wedding customs definitely don't sit well with you. But your wedding doesn't have to be all or nothing. And this episode is going to show you exactly how to make it yours. Because my guest today is Sinclair Warren, who is a gender equity leader, keynote speaker, and bride to be planning her very own wedding for this September. And when she announced her engagement online, she received a lot of hate and a lot of comments saying that she was a sellout, a fake, that she was perpetuating a patriarchal institution. So today we're talking about what it actually looks like to hold strong values and still want a beautiful wedding. How to choose your own adventure when every tradition comes loaded with history and reflects a different era. And how you, whether you're getting married or not, can live by what you believe without turning every dinner conversation into a debate. Let's get stuck into it. Unbridly is a community of pro-wedding vendors who believe in freedom and integrity in weddings, giving you options, solutions, tips and tricks to create the experience and memories that you and your fiance really want and deserve. Because we believe that weddings are a team sport with how-to's, stories and interviews with recently married couples. We find out what went right and what they've changed if they could go back and do it all over again. I'm Camille and welcome to the Unbridly Podcast. Hi Sinclair, so good to see you.

SPEAKER_01 1:55

Hi, it's so good to see you, Camille.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

We were just chatting before we came on, and you mentioned that you've been on this extremely like transformative staycation, you were saying this week.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

Yeah, it's been so nice. I work with this brand called Natural Cycles, they're a non-hormonal uh birth control app, and obviously as someone who's very passionate about women's health, which we'll definitely get into later. Yes. It was just so amazing to be with other women who are really passionate about body literacy, just learning about how your face is in your cycle. And we just did a lot of like holistic, really beautiful, connected things together from breath work that I literally cried during yoga. Also, it's a Swedish company. So I had like Swedish food for the first time, and it was like really fun, and just like it felt kind of like a nice summer camp, which is a good great way to kick off June for us.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Beautiful. So Sinclair was just saying, dear listener, that yeah, she's super relaxed, super zen, did her yoga this morning. So she's here to bring you all the goodness. But of course, you probably don't know who she is, listener. So Sinclair, who are you? What do you do?

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yes, I am Sinclair Warren, and online I'm known as your local feminist fairy. And basically, I work in many different spheres from being a creative communications consultant to public speaking, writing. But really, my biggest passion is being able to translate intersectional feminist principles, particularly sexual and reproductive health, in a way that's light and engaging and accessible for all people.

SPEAKER_00 3:22

And the wow, I guess it's serendipitous. The way that you've come about being on the On Bradley podcast is because you yourself has just gotten engaged as well, Sinclair. We'll have to show the ring on Instagram, guys. If you're listening, you know, to the audio, please jump on Instagram, see the beautiful ring. Um, but also you recently came back from your bachelorette.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

It was so much fun. It was literally like the best week of my life. I went for Memorial Weekend. Um, we were in Jamaica with seven of my bridesmaids, and we were just like woke up every morning and swam. Had like I'm a big like virgin strawberry daiquiries girl, and I was like eating like fries by the pool, and then we were like riding around in a golf cart. No golf was involved. Um, but loved it. And then we were horseback riding on the beach, and it was just like so special to have all of our meals together and playing games and just being around like my closest friends. It honestly was like the thing I thought about the most besides the actual wedding was the bachelorette. And as we'll definitely get in this conversation, I am the girl's girl. I love being around my friends, I love being around other women, and it was just such a special time for me.

SPEAKER_00 4:35

Quality, quality time, like at a special time in your life too. But yeah, yeah. So it's come about that your work, Sinclair, and then the act of you know, being online because you're quite visible online through your work and just, you know, running around looking gorgeous, you know, the feminist fairy like dresses really well. And you received some pretty stunning backlash about getting engaged, and we're called a choice feminist.

SPEAKER_01 5:07

The choice feminist was, I would say, one of the extra comments that I got out of, I think it's like thousands of comments. It was from choice feminist to fake feminist to I married my apex predator, um, that I was perpetuating a part a patriarchal, so many peas, perpetuating a patriarchal institution. And it was really shocking to me because I have always had a very um different understanding of marriage. And I believe there's so many institutions that have been obviously flawed. Can we think about something such as like vaccine history in America? We have something very unfortunate history, um, particularly with the Tusigi experiment where black men were unethically experimented on and not given penicillin when they could have just not had suffering and not died. Obviously, I think that's incredibly wrong in a complete atrocious mark in medical history, but I'm also very pro-vaccine. So I don't take away the entire institution because something happened, there is an innate flaw in this system. And so that's what I see with marriage. Of course, marriage for many people, unfortunately, have been forced upon them, has seen as an act of ownership, has been belittling, putting women in a more submissive position. And also, a lot of people have had very beautiful experiences being married and fighting their partners, whether that's with a man or a woman or someone who identifies outside of the gender spectrum. And even we think about how hard we fought for same-sex marriage in the States and even around the world, marriage in itself, of course, is flawed because humans are flawed, but it doesn't mean that people shouldn't be able to make the choices for themselves. It really means that if someone feels called to it, that they should be able to do that and also be able to leave when they want to. And so that's what I always saw as marriage and something that I really, really wanted to be a part of.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

Yeah. So, like when your partner and they propose to you, is that right?

SPEAKER_01 6:59

Yeah, he did. I always wanted that too. I personally never wanted to propose in my life. I always wanted to be proposed too. I just thought it was just so special. I would just watch like different movies and seeing all these things happen. And so us like getting married was a constant conversation. It was never this something that I was like, it was gonna be if it happened. It was always when, and it felt like we we were truly a partnership throughout all of it. And I remember just telling Shane that I wanted it to be just the two of us, somehow recorded, not professionally, just like a phone in the background, and at a place that meant a lot to us. And so we ended up going to the Cat Scales at this really beautiful town called Kingston that we literally visit every single year. And it was the place that we first like vacationed together. And we went up there and um, yeah, we spent the whole day doing all my favorite things, like going to a coffee shop, bakery, bookstore, went to this really beautiful dinner, came home, so dreamy. And then I went to get my phone in the room, and then he called me out and um just had flowers and candles, and then like got down on one knee and just was like so sweet. And it just it really, really meant a lot to me, and it just really felt like us. And I just felt really just truly loved in that experience, and it was obviously one of the best days in my life.

SPEAKER_00 8:12

Gorgeous. So when I mean, the this blending, if you like, of how you feel about marriage and what marriage means to you and Shane and then how you've been called out online, like I would imagine you're pretty deep in wedding planning now. So, like, I'm so curious, you know, when you're coming up against all these ingrained traditions and customs and you know, the father gives the bride away, you know, because you're a piece of property, you need to promise to obey, you know, things like that. When you're coming up against these amazing traditions that we're slowly, you know, cleaning out, cleaning up, making a little bit more equitable. Like, how how are you facing your personal values as you're wedding planning?

SPEAKER_01 8:59

Yeah, I think with wedding planning has basically been like a choose your own adventure kind of ride for me. And so I see all of these things and from dresses to traditions to like different types of cake, and you literally get to choose all of it. And it's always been a very active and loving choice for me. And for me, it didn't align for my dad to give me away because I didn't feel like I was being given away. I have two brothers and I jokingly always say that I'm the favorite son. I very much like align with my dad, like we're we're very, very similar, and so we didn't have that type of relationship where I felt like it was needed for me to be given away or my dad to bring me to my future husband. I am doing very special things with my dad during like the wedding weekend and the day, of course, that feel really authentic to us, but that particular tradition did not feel authentic, so that's why I'm not doing it. And it's the same with there's gonna be no obey or anything like that during my wedding cows. I'm literally having one of my closest friends, my beautiful Australian astrologist, Francesca, if you're listening, shout out to you. And so I don't even think she would even know how to say that. Like it would just be the most confusing thing ever. And again, it's not something that aligned with anyone there. Shane never has wanted me to obey him or anything like that. We have a very equal, equitable relationship that feels always loving and always in conversation with one another. And so that's something that has been quite easy throughout the wedding process to is to always make choices together and things that feel the most like us.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

I'm guessing that, you know, just the same as you had conversations before you got engaged, that you're having a lot of conversations about these different parts of the wedding and what they mean to you both, and that you'd be planning together, yes.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Yeah, we're planning a lot. Shane jokingly says that I am the CEO and he's like the intern of the wedding planning. His uh big contribution is that he wanted a soft serve machine. And I said, No problem. The soft serve machine. And so that's all the only thing he wanted. He did not care about the colors, he doesn't care about fabrics, he's just happy that we're both showing up that day. That's okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

That's okay, that's good. Sinclair, like you know, you were saying about your dad, how like can I ask what those things are that you're going to do with your dad?

SPEAKER_01 11:09

Yes, we are gonna do a first look with my dad. Um, I thought that was gonna be really special for us, and as well as we're doing um a first dance, and it's going to be to um Landslide by like Fleetwood Mac. And I think that song just really represents us kind of just like growing up and like having my dad there and him seeing me like growing and changing.

SPEAKER_00 11:27

And everyone's gonna cry. And so are there any other ways that you know your values are playing out in your wedding planning?

SPEAKER_01 11:34

For sure. One of the most beautiful things that we're doing is partnering with Valve for Girls, and they're an incredible NGO that works and child marriage for girls around the world. Unfortunately, according to UNICEF, there's 720 million women worldwide that that were married as children. And so that is something that completely goes against my values. And as someone who believes marriage should always be an active and loving choice that completely goes against everything that I believe in. Um, as a minor, you're just not able to make those decisions.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

And consenting.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

I mean, you're not consenting. You have no ability, consent. And I think there are so many beautiful things that you can do in your life before you get married. And I think marriage should always be a choice if you want to. If you never want to get married, you can live a full and like happy life without it. And so that's why I really love working with them so much and being able to provide school supplies to really educate people on really the dire need to support organizations like this. But then to never really kind of have this like perpetuating the idea of these girls are inherent to their trauma and that this is just their life and you should feel bad for them and pity.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

That they can't break the cycle.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

Exactly. Seeing them as holistic human beings that are no different than the girls that you would see in your class or at a coffee shop and that they deserve the same rights that I do. And I got my master's in humanitarian studies. I specialize in gender equity. I've read a lot of studies, I've done work in this area. And for me, I know there's no difference between me and a girl born in Somalia. It's just where we were born, and it's just amount of luck and chance. And so I think it's my responsibility to create that connection and to create the work that is going to help these girls be able to make the decisions for themselves.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Yeah. And it's so much of that like revolves around their education and getting, you know, just some sort of path that's not directly into marriage at the age of nine or 11 or something like that.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

And you're a baby. Like you're a baby. I just remember how I was in third grade and I just I wasn't thinking about having any type of partner. I was just excited to know what was in my lunch the next day and what my Halloween costume was gonna be and like what I wanted to be when I grew up. And just for me, I it was always an understanding that I was going to have those things. I was going to be able to finish school. High school was like a guarantee. I knew even college was a guarantee for me. I knew I was gonna do those things. I knew that I was going to be able to pursue the career that I wanted. And I was also excited by the idea of marriage, but that was I knew that was not gonna happen anywhere near that timeline for myself. And so I want every girl to be able to grow up with that same feeling.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

Absolutely. Yeah. The Umbrali Podcast works with Val for Girls as well. And we just love how it's not just sort of money sprinkled on the top to try and fix issues. It's a groundswell, it's education. They work in villages and help to provide, yeah, alternate pathways to young girls. So then, like as you said, they've got the choice.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Absolutely. And I think what I love about them especially is that they specialize in localization and they never come from the idea that they're being the saviors to these girls, but really empowering the people who are already in these communities who know what these girls need from talking to survivors themselves and being able to give them the supplies, the assistance that they need so they can be self-actualizing. And I think that also helps further will really prevent this like kind of like generational trauma and really stop this cycle from happening is when you can see women from your own communities being able to stand on themselves because that's what they deserve. And so seeing these organizations not stand for them, but really empower them to stand for themselves.

SPEAKER_00 15:11

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SPEAKER_01 17:02

I definitely fall into just the expectation of weddings and like what it means for other people. And like even thinking, like, oh my gosh, like, is this gonna be enough for everyone else? Are they gonna be having fun? Are they gonna think my uh wax seals with vellum jackets are gonna be pretty enough for my invitation suite because that's the introductory to their wedding experience at my grand event, and just like really putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect. I think that's the hardest thing that I've fallen into. And like a little disclaimer, I am I'm a recovering perfectionist and I'm just constantly really, really hard on myself and being able to always put my best foot forward. And I think with I like literally do events for a living. Like I have a lot of, and then with a wedding, it's like, okay, like I need to kind of take off this work brain and realize this is just for me and my husband and someone who I just love so much. And Shane would be happy if we got married like in a in a field somewhere, and it was just pure of us. Exactly. Of course, we need the the swirl soft serve machine. But I think, yeah, I think that's something that I'm constantly trying to unlearn. I think social media makes it really hard because there's so many videos like this is what I'm not doing as a 2026 bride, this is what you should not be doing. And it just puts so much pressure on people when it's already a very expensive thing to be doing, it's a very life-changing moment for them. And then you're like, wait, how is everyone else gonna feel about it?

SPEAKER_00 18:28

Yeah. And uh it's kind of refreshing, Sinclair, because I mean, you're a pretty amazing person. It's kind of nice to hear that it's not nice to hear that you're falling into this, you know, social media and comparisonitis trap. But it's just, I know for my listener, they're going, oh, thank God, it's not just me.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

It happens to everyone. It literally happens, it's almost impossible to get out of it. And I never thought I would be this way.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

Um, tell me, are you waking up with nightmares about your wedding?

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Literally this morning. I I had an actual nightmare last night that it was funny because it was about partially about my bachelorette that I didn't invite some of my friends. And then I was back in high school and I was somehow like retrospective that they're like, why didn't you invite me to your bachelorette? Like, what's going on? And then with the wedding, that people were upset they weren't invited and I didn't invite the right people and I set wrong invitations. And I've had a couple of those nightmares, and it's been like really difficult. And also, um, I've had a lot of nightmares that I um become pregnant before the wedding. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with being pregnant during your wedding, after wedding before. But for me, and I think it definitely triggers a very sensitive part of like my story. If you follow me, you definitely know about this. But if you don't, you might not know. Um, during the pandemic, I had a copyright IUD fail. It was expelled when it was no longer viable, and I became pregnant. And so I had um an abortion completely in isolation. And it was like one of the most difficult parts of my life, not the part of choosing to have an abortion. That was quite an easy decision, but I never wanted to have to make that decision. And so I think when you're in a stressful situation, past memories, I think, always just kind of percolate and they always want to be your friend and come and come say hi. Yeah, yeah, they come up, and so that's something that I've definitely had to work through talking to my partner, talking to my therapist, and just like kind of working through those old emotions.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

Yeah, I absolutely understand. And and I just find with most couples, I guess it's such a momentous life event, you know, it's still a big deal in our society to go out there and get married and to commit yourself to someone. Um, but yeah, all almost all of my couples, like with my celebrant hat on, um, officiant for you guys. They come to me and they go, Camille, we've just, you know, we've had these terrible nightmares, we're really worried, we're a bit stressed. And I just think it's kind of natural because it's an emotional undertaking, as much as you know, the vellum jackets and your wax seals and you know, everything else. It's still in this day and age, I think it's going from me to we, and that just brings up everything that you're scared of in your past. But I think it's also really amazing and hopeful. And um, you know, you're talking about your breath work, like it's it's cleansing because you know, you wake up in the morning, you realize that you weren't meant to invite your high school friends to the bachelorette because you're not even friends with them anymore. That's what past Sinclair was worried about. Present Sinclair, future Sinclair, it's all good, everything's fine. And so I just I love how our brains do that. That's so cool.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

That's what we were honestly talking about. Our breath for class is like all these versions of myself still exist within me. And it's about just like honoring them and seeing them and not letting it trigger me. And so when these feelings like come up, I just realize it's coming from a place and I don't have to shame it, but I just have to see it for what it is, and it doesn't mean it's going to be bad necessarily, or just be this like terrible event for myself. Cause every time I've been really stressed out about one of my wedding events, and I have had many over the past eight months, they've all turned out beautifully. And they've all been really great, and there hasn't been any problems. And so I know that my wedding day won't be quote unquote perfect, but I think it'll be exactly what it needs to be for us. And that's what I'm really excited about. And that's where I'm working on really realigning myself with that idea.

SPEAKER_00 22:16

Beautiful. So cool. So obviously, you know, not everyone listening is um getting married. Most, I would say. You know, sometimes we have some wedding vendors who love to come on and have a listen and about stuff. But I know that your personal values and what you do for work are very important to a lot of my listeners. Um, they have a lot of the same beliefs. And I also know that sometimes it's hard in day-to-day life, you know, whether it's with family, with friends, whether they're sitting across from their boss, and certainly in social media world where, as you said, you know, you got attacked for being engaged. How can my listener bring and, you know, express those values of gender equity and just, you know, the rights of not just women or, you know, we didn't even have to go binary like that. People, humans, like without holding a placard, like what can my listeners do?

SPEAKER_01 23:18

I think what's so beautiful is that we're all able to connect and converse with one another, and that can be the best step to um any type of activism. And so you don't have to be the person like holding a sign at the protest or like, you know, at the Capitol building, but you can, you know, talk to your friend or talk to your dad or talk to another person in your life and say, hey, like this is like what I believe in, or maybe kindly correcting someone when they say something super outdated, or maybe like are spreading misinformation. It's like, oh, actually, this is not true. And this, I'm gonna present you with this information. And I think what's really difficult is when people say things that obviously are unkind or triggering, it brings up this emotion for us. And so we want to kind of just go back to, you know, we were talking about that like six-year-old, 16-year-old self, and then just be kind basically like, F you, you're stupid. Because that's that's the first reaction, right? So much sense. But if you think about it on the other side, if someone said it to me, I don't want to listen to you anymore. I don't want to talk to you if you're gonna be calling me names, being rude, or just kind of shutting down my whole opinion and what I'm really saying. And so I think it's about how you present this information. Of course, that's really, really hard. And I would never ask anyone to be in a situation that they felt was like denying their humanity or dignity or safety. But I think when you're in a position where maybe you're just having some conflicting emotions or conflicting opinions, that it's always great to really open the conversation and to ask questions and also to bring your own information. And also, what I've loved about my humanitarian work is learning that we're all experts of our own experiences. So no one can negate what has happened to you. So if you come with kind of similar to I would say like couples therapy, like I feel this way, not you're doing this, but I feel this is happening. This has happened to me and presenting that to someone. And that has really taken me so far with people that I never thought I would see eye to eye with.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

I like saying, like, in my experience, you know, this is this is what happened here.

SPEAKER_01 25:17

This is what I see.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

Yeah, that's beautiful. That's so, so helpful. And I love the sort of um non-confrontational but still moving forward aspect of that sort of conversation and discussion. It's great, Sinclair. It's so, so lovely to chat with you and meet with you. Um, for people who are going, this woman is just, you know, she's speaking my language. I'm loving what she's talking about. I want to follow her. Where do people find you, Sinclair?

SPEAKER_01 25:44

Yes, um, my uh Instagram is where I'm most like prominent, is Sinclair Warren, just literally my name. And then you can also find me at uh sinclairwarren.com. Um, you can find more of my work, how to get into contact with me. Um, those are basically my two spaces.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Bloody brilliant. Um, I'm so excited for you and Shane and your wedding. I just thank you. Thank you for all the work that you do to just make the world a better, safer place. Thank you. And what's the next like wedding event for you?

SPEAKER_01 26:18

I'm going to be having my second bridal shower. My um fiance's family is putting it on for me in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It's really sweet. And so I'll have that at the end of June. And then I will not have any other events until the wedding in September.

SPEAKER_00 26:33

Congratulations in advance.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

We're so thrilled for you, Sinclair. Thank you so much for your time again. Yes, I so appreciate it. Thank you so much. Cheers.

unknown 26:42

Bye.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

That about wraps it up for this episode of the Umbradly Podcast. For the links and resources we mentioned, please head to the show notes. And if you love the show, please review and subscribe on the podcast platform you're on now so you don't miss out on a single episode. Thanks so much for listening. And remember, weddings are a team sport. Catch it soon.