Kingdom Mothers Rise Up

How To Untangle Worth From Behavior And Heal Emotional Habits #109

• Mukkove - The Mom Mentor • Season 4 • Episode 3

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Failing at something is different than being a failure. You feel like a failure because you weren’t given the skills and tools you needed to feel like anything else. That’s why I said, you’re not a failure. You were failed.

In this week’s episode I talk about 3 ways you were failed and how you can start practicing the skills you missed out on.  I walk you through a simple exercise at the end of the video. Grab a pen and paper and you can do it along with me.

Ways You Were Failed

1 - You were taught to connect your behavior and performance to your identity and value

2 - You weren’t taught to celebrate success, enjoy the moment, or what to do with your emotions

3 - You weren’t taught to separate thoughts from emotions


Practice
This exercise walks you through listening to your emotions, taking your thoughts captive, and deciding what to do next.


  1. Grab a pen and paper and write down every thought and emotion you are aware of when you say, “I am not a failure.”
  2. Mark the thoughts and the emotions differently (colors, circle/underline)
  3. Which thoughts are yours? Which thoughts are true?
  4. What choices do you need to make?


I look forward to hearing how it goes and what questions you have for me. 

I'd love to connect with you!

SPEAKER_00:

You are not a failure. You were failed. What do I mean? I understand feeling like a failure when you don't keep your commitments or you yell at your kids, but failing at something is different than being a failure. The reason I say you were failed is that you weren't given the tools and the skills that you need to feel like anything but a failure when things go wrong. In this video, I'm going to talk about three ways that you were failed and how you can start practicing the skills that you missed out on. I'll walk you through a simple exercise at the end of the video that will help with this. So you can grab a pen and paper to do that along with me. My name is McCove. I'm wife to Brian. I am the mom of four amazing kids, mother-in-law to three amazing young people, grandma to four. And the lessons that I teach are from lessons in my own life in School of Holy Spirits. I also have a coaching certification, certification in childhood emotional neglect recovery. And what I share is what works for me and works for friends and clients. It in no way diagnoses or treats anything. They're just skills that have been effective for me, and I'm sharing them. The number one way is that you were taught that your behavior and your value were connected. If you do things bad, you're bad. Your identity and your value was totally connected to your behavior. You may have been taught that intentionally, you may have been taught that unintentionally, most likely. So when I'm saying that you were failed, I mean your parents, your system, your church, your community directly or indirectly taught you that if you failed, you were a failure. And often just mistakes that are a normal part of learning were treated as failures. So you get that message of being a failure a lot. And when I'm saying that your community failed you, I'm not saying blame them, point fingers, be like, yeah, it's all your fault. That isn't helpful to anyone. It's just making an observation and becoming aware of, oh, I was failed in this area because I was taught that my behavior was completely attached to my worth and my value. And that's not true. So how were you taught that your worth and your identity and your value were all tied together and they were all the same thing? It might have been from words that were spoken to you about being bad versus making a bad choice or making you know doing a bad behavior, but that you were bad. You may have been taught it by being sent away when you made mistakes or were making bad choices. You may have been taught because everything was kind of ignored, unless it was bad where you got the shame, or it was pointed out when you did something really well, that got recognition, but everything else didn't. So performance and transactional relationships taught you that your value and your behavior were connected. You were good, you got attention, you got praise, you made mistakes, you were shunned or shamed. And like I said, it could be words that were actually spoken, but it could just be kind of the attitude that you picked up from your environment. It could even have come from your church. Because we're told that we're I don't know the exact words, the idea of like we're nothing without God. And in one sense, that's true, because if he hadn't created us, we wouldn't exist. If he hadn't created all of the systems and all the things that keep us alive, we would not exist. However, he did create us, we are here, and he created us in his image. Therefore, we have worth. He created us and said it's very good. So we're not worthless, we're very good just by existing in his image. And we see this with a baby. The baby contributes nothing, they're not being productive, they're not producing income, they're not doing anything to be helpful. They need to be served and they bring us joy because we love them. But like if you put those same standards on an adult, then somehow we shift that to like, oh, they're not worth as much because they're not contributing. No, that's tying behavior to worth. It's important to contribute, but it has nothing to do with worth. The worth is there simply because they're created in the image of God. And God paid the ultimate price for each and every human life. So apart from him, it's we better say, like apart from him, we can do nothing. Which I said is totally true. We wouldn't even exist without him. And then anything that we do that is good or worthy or honorable, that is in him and by his power, because scripture does say that our righteousness, our works, the things that we tried to do to be good are as filthy rags. However, we are given Christ and His righteousness. And but again, that's the behaviors, not our value in and of ourselves. So separating your value from your behavior. Because, like I said, mistakes are a normal part of learning. But if you were taught that mistakes were failure because you were just somehow supposed to know how to do things, like I told you how to do it, you should be able to do it. Or you're this age, you should know how to do it, or whatever that makes you feel like a failure because you're struggling with something, or you don't know how to do something. When like that's a behavior and there's skill sets that need to be learned and practiced. And that's going to involve making mistakes. You're not going to do something perfectly that you've never done before. So if you struggle with feeling like you just should know how to do things, that was probably the expectation, whether it was spoken or unspoken growing up. And again, I'm not saying like, oh, go blame your parents and tell them how bad they were. Just realize there's a reason that you feel and think the way that you do. And now that you know that, you can work to change that. The second way that you were failed is not being taught just how to deal with your emotions in general. What do you do when you're angry? What do you do when you're excited? Um, if you were told, like, don't get too excited, don't get too big for your britches, don't like, don't let that go to your head. But you weren't told what to do. Like, what do I do with these emotions? It seems like I need to just stuff them and put them away, and they're just causing problems. And it's not okay to feel these things. I shouldn't feel these things. All of that is not helpful because that's not how emotions work. Trying to put emotions aside, not be too emotional, telling yourself what you should and shouldn't feel, all of those kinds of things just aren't helpful because, again, that's not how emotions work. So being taught that about emotions is one way that you were failed. And a third way that you were failed is you weren't taught to separate thoughts from emotion. I talked about separating your identity and your value from your behavior. Also, need to learn to separate thoughts from emotions. Because, and I think this might be where the part of putting emotions away comes from is if you think they're the same thing, then scripture does tell us to take every thought captive and make it submissive to Christ. So if you think thoughts and emotions are the same thing, then it seems like you should take your emotions captive and, you know, throw away the ones that you don't like or you don't see how they're serving you. But that's what we're told to do with our thoughts. Emotions are different. So thoughts are things that you think, which, like, oh, that sounds very obvious. And sometimes our thoughts are so instantaneous that we don't recognize we're thinking them. But they're things that we think. Emotions are messengers, they're bringing information, just like your other physical senses. So you see things with your eyes that gives you information about if you need to duck when something's flying at your head, or you need to turn so you don't run into a wall. You know, your sense of smell can tell you if something's burning or dinner's cooking, or it's bringing you information. Emotions are the same. They're bringing you information that you're feeling safe, or that you're feeling scared. And if you're feeling safe, that gives you information, like you can relax, and this is good. If you're feeling scared, it's giving you information that maybe we need to move, or maybe we need to say something. But feeling the emotion is vital to learning to listen and understand the information they're bringing so that you can then make good decisions. And I'm gonna describe to you a practice and exercise that you can use to start identifying what you're feeling, separating out those thoughts and emotions, and starting to glean some information from them so that you can make good choices. And I say it's a simple exercise, and as I'm describing it, I'm like, wow, that's really a lot. But I'm gonna try to slow it down. And it really is simple, but it requires practice. And I've been practicing for a long time. So if it doesn't come easy for you at first, that's a normal part of learning. And you can always ask questions in the comments. You can join my community over on school. The link is in the description where you can ask questions. And I teach these types of exercises. So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna take a piece of paper and we are going to write down thoughts and feelings around a particular thing. I'm gonna give you the prompt. I'm gonna write down thoughts and feelings that come to mind for me, and then walk you through identifying, sorting out what of these are thoughts, what of these are emotions, and then what information are we getting? And when we take those thoughts captive, I think of like in prison in war, they take prisoners of war, they take them captive, and why to information from them. So we want to take our thoughts captive and get information on you know, where is this thought coming from? Is it true? Is it helpful? And then based on that information that we gather from how we're feeling, the thoughts that we're thinking, what actions do we need to take from that? And what if we're identifying a lie, what's the truth to go with that, to counter that? I'm gonna walk you through this exercise. What I want you to do is say out loud I am not a failure. As you say that, pay attention to what you are feeling and what you are thinking. You can make bullet lists, you can sort things out as you write, you can sort things out after you write, which is kind of what I recommend when you're just getting started. Just put down on paper whatever is coming to mind for you as you say that statement and what you're feeling in your body when you say that statement, I am not a failure. Then you might notice that your emotions aren't all like what we might say, positive or negative. That's perfectly fine. Just record everything that comes up, even if you're not sure that it's related. And you can take as long as you need to sit with this. When you're just getting started, if you get three of each, three emotions, three thoughts, you're doing great. So then what we're gonna do is I'm gonna pick a different color. If you don't have a different color, you could like circle or underline or whatever. What I have written on my paper in black Sharpie is I am not a failure. And are you sure? Doubt, I am accepted, gratitude, guilt, relief, I fail a lot. And I took a pink Sharpie and wrote emotions and underlined doubt, gratitude, guilt, and relief. And with a green sharpie, I underlined I am not a failure. Are you sure? I am accepted, and I fail a lot. Which ones are emotions? So typically emotions can be done in one word. They don't have to be, because you it could be um kind of like a word picture, like I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. That's describing feeling. Um but like saying I feel like I feel a lot is not a feeling. It's a thought. Thoughts aren't usually one word. I've identified the emotions versus thoughts. And the emotions just are, we're feeling them, and they could be giving you information like the relief I could attach to the thought that I'm accepted, and gratitude goes to the thought that I'm accepted. The doubt and the guilt kind of goes to this thought. I feel a lot. And it's true. I do, I feel a lot. But like you said, I am not a failure because I feel a lot. I can accept that's a truth. I feel a lot. Working on that. But no matter how much I fail, I am not a failure. Now we have this other thought over here. Are you sure? So, in these thoughts, there's an I. Those are my thoughts directed towards myself. I am accepted, I feel a lot. This has a you. Are you sure? That's not how we talk to ourselves. When you recognize a you statement in your thoughts or on paper, and putting them on paper is a huge help to create literal space between you and your thoughts, or you and your behaviors, if you wrote your behaviors down on the paper. So when you capture your thoughts on the paper and you see that there's you statements in there, then you want to ask yourself, how do you feel when you hear that thought? If it's encouraging and hopeful, maybe convicting, but it comes with with hope and direction that is the Lord speaking to you when it comes with the peace and the encouragement, even if it's convicting. If it comes with accusation and it feels icky and it's hurtful, and it's negative and condemning, that's the enemy talking to you. And so now that we have that thought captive, we can decide what to do with it. So we look at what do we we've taken these thoughts captive, what do we do with them? And like I said, I fail a lot. That's true. And what I need to do with it is make sure that I'm not turning it into my identity that I'm a failure because I fail a lot. I'm accepted. I have so much gratitude and relief of that. If I was believing a lie that was like, no, I really am a failure, then I would need to sit with that of like, Lord, why do I believe that I'm really a failure? Who taught me that? Maybe I need forgiveness. I think that needs to be a separate video of like what to do if there's a lie that you actually believe. What do you do with the accusation? Are you sure that you're not a failure? I see that that's coming as an accusation of trying to bring condemnation and confusion. So I'm gonna reject that. The enemy is the father of lies. So if he's saying something, that's confirmation that it's not true. And being able to reject that of like, yeah, actually, I'm sure that I'm not a failure. If that feels really hard, of like, no, like maybe I know in my head it's not true, but it feels really, really true. I think I'll go into that process in another video because that involves seeing why you believe it's true, like what happened to you, what have been your experiences, so that that feels so true, even though you know it's not true. And how do you receive what you need and let go of what you don't need so that that feels less and less true until it's easy to be like, yeah, whatever, that's not true. But I feel like that'd be better in another video because I just want you to see that you can start putting down your thoughts and your feelings on paper and start sorting them out and getting information from them, oh, I need to spend more time reflecting on mistakes being a normal part of learning or the worth that I have because I'm created in God's image, or whatever it is. And you can do this with any emotion, any situation. Um, in my heart doodling with Jesus, I teach putting how you feel in a picture because it gives you more space to feel and to listen. And in my workshops, I typically walk you through three different heart doodles. Um, we do lots of different things, but typically it's three where we kind of look at how you're seeing the situation, how God is seeing the situation, and what's gonna shift. Let me know if you try this out. If you have a breakthrough, if you have questions, you can always join us over in the Healing Generations community, as well as just leaving comments below. I will respond to every sincere comment. And I would appreciate you subscribing and sharing with your friends. We'll see you next time.