Helping Kids Understand Consideration vs. Selfishness

How to Teach Kids Consideration: Modeling, Object Lessons, and Stories

The host answers a listener's question about teaching children to be considerate rather than selfish. They explain that the most powerful teaching method is modeling, including clarifying the difference between parental authority and selfishness and, when appropriate, repenting and asking children for forgiveness. The episode suggests practical tools such as object lessons (e.g., giving kids a candy bag filled with rocks to help them identify how selfishness feels), naming and highlighting considerate vs. selfish behavior to build vocabulary, and checking that children understand expectations (illustrated by an R.C. Sproul story about children not knowing what “stoop” meant). The host recommends using stories—books, podcasts, movies, and the resource Tales of Virtue—to discuss examples of character traits, noting that stories and parables help lessons stick. The episode also mentions podcast fan mail, the host’s book "Mess to Majesty: Let God Love You in Your Mess" on Amazon with free journaling resources, and an email list for updates on a future group coaching program connected to the Mess to Majesty transformation.

00:00 Listener Question: Teaching Kids Consideration Over Selfishness
00:08 How to Submit Questions + Fan Mail Notes
00:35 Quick Update: 'Mess to Majesty' Book & Free Resources
01:10 Start of Today’s Answer: Model Consideration at Home
01:55 Talk Through Authority vs. Selfishness (and Apologize When Needed)
02:24 Object Lesson Idea: The Candy Bag Swap to Build Empathy
04:07 Name It to Train It: Vocabulary, Spotting Selfishness in Real Time
04:36 RC Sproul ‘Stoop’ Story: Kids Can Misunderstand Expectations
05:37 Use Stories & Media to Teach Character (Books, Odyssey, Tales of Virtue)
06:33 Wrap-Up: Why Stories Stick (Jesus’ Parables)

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Chapters

• 0:28 Listener Question On Consideration
• 0:37 How To Send Questions And Fan Mail
• 1:03 Book Mention And Resources
• 1:36 Framing The Parenting Challenge
• 2:31 Modeling Versus Mixed Messages
• 3:12 Authority Not Selfishness
• 3:42 Owning Mistakes With Kids
• 4:11 Object Lesson With Candy Bags
• 4:35 Linking Feelings To Actions
• 4:35 Vocabulary For Considerate Acts
• 5:05 Train Don’t Assume
• 5:05 The “Stoop” Misunderstanding
• 5:49 Using Stories To Teach Character
• 6:51 Scales Of Virtue Resource

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:14

Today's podcast episode is answering a listener question about teaching children to be considerate instead of being selfish. If you would like to ask a question to possibly be answered on a future episode, you can leave it in the fan mail or in the comments with question marks at the beginning. And I will read those and come back to them in future episodes. That also brings up fan mail. There is the option on my podcast to leave me comments in what they call fan mail. I can't respond to those directly, but I will respond to them here. A recent question was um I had referred to a book about my personal story and apparently forgot to mention the book. So the book is called Mess to Majesty, Let God Love You in Your Mess. It's available on Amazon. When you buy it, there's also a link to some free resources that go with that book, some journaling pages. And if you are on my email list, you'll get updates about when I'm going to run a new group coaching program through the Mess to Majesty transformation. Now we'll get into today's episode. Lila asked about teaching children to be considerate of others instead of being selfish.

SPEAKER_01: 1:30

How old are they? Um, what kinds of ways are they showing selfishness? I don't have those details, so I will just start with in general, the most powerful way we have to teach our kids anything is by modeling. And so to look at are there ways that they're getting a message, even if it's because of the childish understanding of something that's appropriate, is there a way that they're getting a message that um it's okay to be selfish? And like I said, that could just be a childish misunderstanding of what you're doing, because like obviously as a parent, it can seem like you always get your way because you're the one in charge and you're the one responsible. Um so if the kids are old enough to talk through that with them of like realizing the difference in responsibility and authority versus being selfish. And if there's, you know, things to talk through, if there's things to repent of and to ask your kids for forgiveness for, that is super powerful. Um But then just depending on the age of your kid, I like to do object lessons. Um, stories have a big impact, and object lessons are kind of like that, they kind of build a story to give something to remember. If you get two packages of candy, identical, you know, say bags of MMs, carefully open one bag and fill it with small locks or beads or something to it, it still feels like MMs in there and feel it back up and to think gather the kids and have them like, hey, look at this, I got us some MMs and give them the bag that doesn't actually have MMs in it. And you know, how does that feel that for them to process through, like, how did that feel for them to get the not candy, even though it was prevented candy? And like I think I used this for honesty and trust. But it still shows how like that's disrespectful and selfish of you to keep the candy and give them the not candy. And so talk about like, okay, so here's things that you've been doing that make me feel like you felt when you got the bag of beads instead of MM. And so some things where you can help them identify those emotions and situations where like, okay, this is what it feels like. This is how you're making other people feel when you're doing these things. Um, if they're at the age to help connect with that. Highlighting it when you see it, either when they do it or when someone else does it, to build that vocabulary is like when I'm talking about being considerate, this is what it looks like. Or when I'm talking about being selfish, this is what it looks like. Um because sometimes we forget to train our kids and equip them because like we just expect them to know what we're talking about without checking and verifying that they do in fact know what we're talking about. And I remember an example from a book I read by R.C. where he talked about his kids. He had told them he was working in the yard and he had told them not to get off the stoop. And they kept getting up and he kept disciplining them, and if he was giving them a slot or whatever for it and telling them, like, now don't get off the stoop. And after like the third time, he was like, What is the deal with this? And figured out they didn't know what he meant by the stoop. So it was a term that whatever, if they hadn't been in that location before, or they've normally used a different term, but so they weren't disobeying to be bad, they were disobeying because they didn't know what he was talking about. And um, so just to keep that in mind when we're frustrated with our kids' behavior, to make sure that they actually know what's expected and that we've trained them for that, rather than just expecting them to know because they don't. Using stories, whether it's a book you're reading or adventures in Odyssey, radio drama, or something like that, where you can talk about like, oh wow, that was really considerate when this person saw that their friends needed help and we helped them, or let the other person go first, or they shared with them because they saw there wasn't enough, or whatever. But you can pull the characteristics that you want to see in your kids' life from the stories you read, the movies they watch, take the time to engage with them and talk about why is that a good example, why is it not a good example to teach and train them what it is that you want. Another good resource is scales of virtue. They're stories taken from all of history and all different cultures, but focus on different character traits. Um because again, stories are memorable, so they're helpful in being able to help those lessons stick better.