Why it's Hared to Set Boundaries - Ep 126

Boundaries aren’t impatience. 

They don’t mean you are not being loving.

Boundaries are about what you will do, not getting someone else to do what you want them to do. 

If you’re like me the idea of boundaries sounds freeing and empowering - right up to the point you try to put them in place. It took me years to understand how to state what I needed and what I was going to do rather than trying to control the outcome of someone else’s choices. 

If you grew up without healthy boundaries it can be tricky to change your thinking and put them into practice.

You’re right, though. They are empowering and create freedom. It is worth figuring out how to use them properly.

To see how boundaries do and do not come into this situation listen to today’s episode.

Podcast Chapters

00:00 Boundaries Defined

00:14 Facebook Post Example

01:28 Contract vs Ultimatum

02:43 Gods Loving Boundaries

03:59 Learning Healthy Boundaries

05:06 Scissors Stewardship Lesson

06:55 Car Borrowing Boundary

09:50 Freedom Fear and Control

11:39 Access Points and Limits

13:09 Self Worth and Creator

14:18 Invitation and Closing 

I'd love to connect with you!

• Find community in Healing Generations
•  Learn how God communicates with you in Transformational Quiet Times

Transcript

Why Boundaries Aren’t Unloving

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Boundaries aren't impatience. They don't mean that you're not being loving. Boundaries are about what you will do, not getting someone else to do what you want them to do. I saw a post on Facebook the other day that got me thinking about this again. I'm going to read you the post and then share my thoughts on the misunderstandings around boundaries that I see in this section of the post. The person wrote, I'm so grateful God gave me patience with someone doing work at our house. What should have been a two or three-day job stretched for a week due to not showing up, one day not letting us know anything, and cutting days short. In the past, I would have thought I need to set a boundary. You know, the voices in books and social media about needing to set boundaries. Anyway, I can't thank God enough that in this encounter, He led me to be understanding and show his love. Their perspective here shows that they don't understand boundaries. This person says in their post they felt like setting a boundary would not be being understanding and not showing God's love. But that's not what a boundary is. And as I re read it too, I thought, well, I wonder what they thought a boundary was going to do for them. If you hired someone to do work and they made an agreement about how long that work was going to take, and the work takes longer, then you just have a conversation to see if you're going to continue to go forward, or if there's going to be a breach of contract, you're going to figure that out. But that's a conversation. It's not a boundary. It feels like their idea is, well, I'm going to set a boundary and tell them you be here or else. That's an ultimatum. That's not a boundary. Possibly a boundary would be if the work isn't done by this day, I'm not paying you. If you have an agreement of when it's supposed to be done, hopefully in that agreement, there's also the layout of what happens if the work goes longer. But it's not a boundary to hold to in an agreement. To keep your part of the agreement would be actually your boundaries. And if they're not holding their part, that's them not holding to their boundaries. And then you need to decide what you're going to do with that relationship. Because God Himself has boundaries. That's God's boundary. He says, These are my requirements. This is the way in. If you try to get in another way, I won't let you in. That's his boundary. Like your access to me comes through this one point. It comes through Jesus, my son. I don't allow anyone in by any other way. That's his boundary. And having those boundaries is loving. It's allowing him to be true to himself. It's allowing us to be good stewards of our bodies and time and resources that he's given us when we say, here's what I can do, and here's what I can't do. Those are your boundaries. What you can do, what you can't do, not here's what I'm going to make someone else do. If you're like me and grew up without healthy boundaries, it can be really tricky to change your thinking and put them into practice. They sound freeing and empowering. They sound wonderful right up to the point and try to put them in place. It took me years to understand how to state what I needed and what I was going to do rather than to try and control the outcome of someone else's choices. But you're right though, boundaries are empowering and they do create freedom. So it's worth figuring out how to use them properly. And I think that's been the most helpful thing for me is to say, what am I going to do? And often in those situations, kind of like the person that wrote this post, I want someone else to do something different. And so I used to think, like they do, that I needed a boundary. And I may have needed a boundary, but it wasn't about getting the other person to do what I wanted. One example I can think of was with a pair of scissors. And as this was an area that boundaries were demonstrated, we were not allowed to use mom sewing scissors on anything but fabric. And so in a way that looks like her controlling. And I think this is why it gets twisted and confused because it's not her controlling, it's her being a good steward saying, My sewing scissors are for fabric. If you use them in a way that's not in accordance with how I have asked you to use them, I won't allow you to use them anymore. So it's about her having agency and that empowerment to say, this is mine, I'm going to make sure it's stewarded well. Where if it's turned to you can't use this because you used it wrong, it's the same idea, but it sounds much more controlling when it's focused on the like you instead of I. That in order for me to seward this well, I'm not going to let you use them because you use them improperly. So it still can be like a consequence for the behavior where the boundary creates that empowerment and that freedom to just say, this is what I'm going to do. This is my resource. These are my scissors. If you're using them on wire or rocks, I will not let you use them anymore. And if you violate that boundary, then there's going to be a consequence for that too, particularly in parenting. But it's true in other relationships as well. If you have a friend who says you can borrow their car and asks you to return it with a full tank of gas, and you return it empty and full of garbage, is well within their right to say, I'm actually not going to let you use my car anymore. And it's about what they're going to do. It's my resource, it's no longer available for you. And we might have some issues to talk about in our friendship of why wasn't my request honored? Did you not understand? Didn't not feel important. And this is where the, you know, in the post they mentioned they were grateful for having patience and that they were able to show understanding and love. And you can totally do that with the boundaries. So with the car, you bring the car back to the friend, and the friend can be loving and understanding and say, Can you, you know, tell me what happened? I asked you to bring the car back full of gas and you brought it back dirty and empty. Like what happened? And if there was a legitimate, like things went wrong and things happened, and I ran out of time, and I knew you needed to have it back by this time. And so it was the struggle between like, do I bring it back late or do I bring it back empty? And, you know, somebody ended up in the hospital. Like, there could be a legitimate reason how things went wrong so that the boundary wasn't honored. Or the friend could respond with, oh, I guess I forgot about that. That shows you in the friendship how much they value the friendship, how much they value you as a person, how you honor their boundaries. And that helps you decide how much to invest and how much access to give people based on how they treat your boundaries. So boundaries are very important, but they're not about making someone else do something. It's about saying, this is what I need. I need my scissors to be respected, I need my car to be treated well. I need my own person, my own mental health, all the things. I need these to be treated well. And if you're interacting with people who don't seem to care that that's what you've said you need, then you can limit your access to them by saying, I'm not going to have phone conversations. Or if I feel disrespected, I'm going to take a break from the conversation. It definitely helps to talk it through with someone else because I still can see how like it can sound like an ultimatum. It can sound like control. But the key is that just like boundaries create freedom for you, there's that same freedom for the other person. They are a hundred percent free to do whatever they want to do. And based on what they do, you make choices about what you're going to do. And that's where it gets hard because we don't want the other person to be completely free to make whatever choice and do whatever they want, because often there's that underlying fear that we're not valuable enough, we're not important enough, and they won't choose us over their own way or what they want. So we're afraid to set that boundary. Not because we don't want to be controlling. We're actually being more controlling and manipulative in not setting the boundary because we're trying to keep the other person from rejecting us. We're trying to manage their emotions and their reactions and their responses instead of just managing our own and being like, you are free to do whatever you want to do, which again is what God does with us. He's very clearly laid out like this is what's best, this is what works. I know because I've designed the whole system, but you are free to do whatever you want. You are not free from the consequences of those choices, but you are free to do whatever you want. And that's why he can hold his boundaries and be loving. Because I can love you, even if you're making choices that hurt me, because you are free to do that. I might love you from a little farther away. I might limit access to resources, and I'm free to do that just like you are free to respond however you want to my boundary. So when God says, This is the way that you access relationship with me in eternal life, it's through Jesus, my son. That's the access point. I don't let anyone in any other way. You do the same thing with your house. I have a front door, that's where people come in. They need to ask permission to come in if they don't live here. Anyone that tries to come in through a window or some other way, like, I'm not allowing that. That's not okay. So we have boundaries, and I think I was saying earlier, it's that we're afraid to let the other person be free. Because if they're free, there's that fear that they will abandon us or reject us, tell us that we're not important enough to honor our boundaries, to have those conversations, to figure out what's going on and what we need. Because we're good with boundaries, with like not giving out your bank account, not giving your car keys to just anyone or your house keys. Like there's lots of things where we regularly implement boundaries. And it's in those interpersonal relationships where we're afraid of finding out that we're not enough, that we're not valuable to that other person, that boundaries are hard. So, along with figuring out what am I going to do, what do I need, first you have to believe that you're worth loving and taking care of. And that even if you're lonely for a while, you're only going to have a relationship with people who also see that you are valuable and lovable and worth honoring and respecting. The foundation for good boundaries starts with your relationship with yourself. And to have a good relationship with yourself, I believe you need to have a relationship with your creator because your value is intrinsic because he said so, because he made you in his image. And he loves you. He paid a high price for you. And it can take time to really believe that. There's one thing to know it in your head, but to really fully believe that I am loved and I will be okay, even if every person on earth tells me that I'm not worthy and I'm not enough. But you can get there. And if you're interested in finding out how learning more about implementing boundaries and personal relationships, you can schedule a call with me. I would love to talk to you about it. Thank you for listening. This was encouraging. Share it with a friend. And remember that your healing heals generations.