Friendship Grief

Have you ever clutched a faded photograph, reminiscing about a friendship that once was? This episode is from Tea Time Tuesday, a livestream Tracey hosts on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. 

Join us for a heartfelt and candid discussion as we explore the often overlooked but deeply impactful experience of friendship grief. Whether it's the end of a close bond, the drifting apart of once inseparable companions, or losing a friend through distance or circumstance, the pain of losing a friend can be profound and complex. In this episode, we'll delve into the nuances of friendship grief, sharing personal stories, insights, and strategies for coping and finding healing amidst the ache of separation. 

Chapters

• 0:08 Exploring Friendship and Grief
• 9:00 True Friendship
• 18:15 Navigating Friendship Shifts and Changes
• 28:00 Navigating Friendship Changes and Healing
• 42:51 Navigating Grief and Setting Boundaries
• 53:25 Healing Through Grief and Setbacks
• 1:03:27 Authenticity in Dress and Decorum

Transcript

Tracey: 0:08

now. Why are we doing this? Do do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do do. Oh, we're a little light. Am I live? I don't know. I am live. Hey, y'all, good evening, good evening over there in the Instagram land over there and Facebook land over here. Where else are we? Youtube, hey, youtube, fam. What's good everybody? My name is Tracey Massey. I am certified grief coach and founder of Living my Empowered Life. I've got a lot of devices going on right now, so bear with me.

Tracey: 1:02

Welcome to Tea Time Tuesday. Tea Time Tuesday is where I come on and join my peeps to just say hello, hello, hello. We talk about all things, grief. We talk about all the shenanigans that's happening in my life. We talk about whatever you guys want to talk about, but I'm here on Tuesday, 7 pm Eastern Standard Time. I'm not liking this lippy right here. Hold on, this is your first time joining the channel. Buckle up, get ready for the shenanigans. Let me know as you enter. Let me know if you can hear me, if you can see me, if all things are good. Put a thumbs up in the comments so I know that you are there.

Tracey: 1:39

And this is an interactive broadcast, meaning I don't like sitting up here talking to myself. I can do that enough. I don't have to be live on the internet streets to be talking to myself. So make sure you come in. Let me know where you're viewing from. If this is your first time joining, welcome. Put a one in the comments. Let me know that you're there. Let me see if I can hear. I think instagram is a lag, but let's see. Let me just share this out. Right, quick, all right.

Tracey: 2:14

So tonight we are talking about friendship, grief. Hey, shook, welcome. Welcome over there on Facebook world. Linda Watts, realtor. Welcome over there on Facebook world. Linda Watts, realtor. Welcome over there on Instagram.

Tracey: 2:29

So we are talking about friendship, grief, and I am never before you all along. It just depends on what questions you may have. If y'all feel led to ask something, hold on, let's just pause. Y'all hear how good I smacked my lips something. Hold on, let's just pause. Y'all hear how good I smacked my lips. Let's just revel in that, because I've been trying to pop my lip and I practice real hard y'all, but when I concentrate on it I can never do it, and then it's just organically, it just happens and I get real proud of myself. So bear with me. I told you shenanigansigans, all right.

Tracey: 3:04

So for those of you who are here, if you're watching a replay, welcome. Y'all. Share this out to your peoples, introduce them to me and all, all the wonderfulness of living my empowered life. Um, hey, big sis, my mentor is on here y'all, so I gotta be hey, even though she not, like she knows this side of me. But hey, vixen, so interactive.

Tracey: 3:28

I want you all to engage, comment. If you have questions, put them in the chat. I will be asking of you as you ask of me. So let's just have a good time, because this is a heavy. This is a heavy topic, but it's something that needs to be discussed, right, because a lot of us don't understand that grief can come in many different forms. Each and every person grieves differently. You're not abnormal, you know. There's a healthy way to grieve all of these things. So I'm here to teach you all of that, because guess what? Guess who's walked through all of it. You know, I think I have experienced every form of grief, like every form of loss. Wow, that just hit me. Yeah, I've experienced every form of loss, so let's get into it. So I want to know from you guys, I want to know from you all and I'm from the South. I say y'all a lot, so if this is your first time joining, just get. Sometimes my Southern comes out when I get real sleepy. Okay, I might get sleepy as we go on this live, because I go to bed early, I get up early, so bear with me.

Tracey: 4:33

I want to know from you all, put in a chat what do you define? How do you define friendship? Like, what is a friend to you? And there's no wrong answers, no wrong answers. Just tell me, what do you think friendship is? What does that mean to you? And I know there's a delay, so I'm going to give it a minute before I do anything. Just let me know and I know sometimes, if you're on your phone watching this, you can't really type Trust. Ooh, that's good, that's good. Yes, trust, friendship is definitely trust. If you can't trust your friend, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know and I'm going to tell you a song just popped in my head what about your friend? Let me stop, because I don't want to get sued. I don't want to get sued. Loyalty, yes, friendship is loyalty. Friendship is trust. Can you laugh with your friends? Can you cry with your friends? Can I can. Are they holding you in your safe space? I am getting ahead of myself. But yeah, these are great answers.

Tracey: 5:36

What's going on over here on the Instagram, what y'all got to say? Hey, rose E Franklin, welcome. What do you define as friends? Let me see, let me make sure, let me make sure my Instagram is doing what it's supposed to do. We are not live on Instagram, y'all, we're just going to keep rolling. I'll record it, it's recorded. Learning about grief Okay, we are live on Instagram. You, you know what? Let me focus. Accountability. Oh, listen, accountability and friendships got a hold of my head on that one, because sometimes that accountability, it stings a little bit Like it pierces you right here. So we're going to talk about all of that. These are great, great, great responses.

Tracey: 6:31

So I'm going to give you the book definition of what friend is and of course I'm going to sprinkle a little Tracy-ism on there. All right, if y'all don't know what Tracy-ism is, it's my definition. I love to like just make things plain for me, because if it's plain for me I could teach it to y'all, all right. So the book definition of a friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection. Here's the sprinkle. It is a stronger form of interpersonal. It's a stronger form of interpersonal bonds, stronger than an acquaintance or an associate such as a classmate, classmate, neighbor, co-worker or colleague. Here's the actual sprinkle, y'all, a friend to me is somebody that knows my middle name. They fit in one of some of these categories. They know my middle name, they have my real phone number and they know where I live and they see me at my worst and have not judged me at my worst. Okay.

Tracey: 7:37

So now that we've got the definition out of the way, I like to do look at my friendships in this way. I do a spiritual math and if you follow me for a while, you've heard me say this, but I will do a spiritual math when it comes to my friendships, and the spiritual math is for the people that I am friends with and also for me, for me to have accountability on what I'm doing. So the spiritual math is is this friend multiplying or subtracting, adding and multiplying to my life, or are they subtracting and dividing? And if they are adding and multiplying, what does that fruit look like? Like? How do I feel when I'm around this person? Am I a better person with this person? Are they holding me accountable for my actions or lack thereof? Can I trust them to kick me in the behind whenever I'm having a bad day or I feel like I'm not worthy of whatever? Can they lead me back to the cross when I'm ready to pop up, because I will knock if you buck, lord, I'm saved, y'all I promise I'm saved.

Tracey: 8:46

I'm saved, but y'all know I grew up, I'm from Southeast DC. Notice, I said South, not South. I'm from Southeast DC. Please don't let the meek and mild fool you. Okay, let's get back. Let's get back. Let's get back.

Tracey: 9:00

Well, yeah, are they adding to and multiplying my life. Like and I look at myself that way Like, am I a good friend? Am I adding to or multiplying to their life? Am I the one that's always like, girl, we about to roll up on them, or am I the one that's like, hold on, let's just, let's just wait for a second, let's evaluate. You know it goes both ways.

Tracey: 9:22

So in order to be, the Bible says, in order for you to be a good friend, you have to show yourself friendly. You have to show yourself friendly. So keep that in mind as we go forward. All right, any questions? If I'm moving too fast, I put a put up a yield sign in the chat. Y'all probably got to find that emoji. That's a good one. You like that man, thank you. So friendships we've talked about this. Y'all gave these great answers. That's a good one. You like that man, thank you. So Friendships we've talked about this. Y'all gave these great answers. And I'm looking at my notes right here. So y'all know whenever I show up with notes, y'all know Chef's kiss, chef's kiss.

Tracey: 10:02

So friendships involves mutual trust, respect, honoring of boundaries, support and pulling up if necessary. Now, when I say pulling up, I don't mean like violence, no violence, no violence but pulling up if necessary. So if you know your friend is going through something. Prime example I have had the same core group of girlfriends since we were in seventh grade. We're coming up on our 30th high school reunion. So y'all do the math. I have friends right now that if I put in our group chat a certain code or a certain word or a certain emoji, they know they will be here and if they can't get here they send in somebody. I remember when my old apartment caught fire and I just put in the chat y'all, my house is on fire.

Tracey: 10:50

One of my best friends, she was in Rock Hill, South Carolina. She hates me when I tell this story, but she was in Rock Hill, South Carolina, getting her hair braided. I have never seen somebody get from Rock Hill, south Carolina, to Charlotte so fast. That's about a 30 minute drive, 30, 45 minute drive. I feel like that child made it to me in 15 minutes with half of her hair braided. The other half was standing on top of her head. She pulled up.

Tracey: 11:21

So if your friends aren't coming out with their hair half done, I don't know what to do. So just think about the friendship. Your friends honor your boundaries. Your friends are trustworthy, they support you, they honor you. You know things like that. So let's keep going. Any questions, let's just pause. Shout out your friend right now they're probably not on this chat, but shout out your friend, shout out somebody that you can think of that fits in those categories. And if you just don't want to make anybody feel bad, I understand, but you can put as many people in the chat as you want to. Sometimes it's your mom, sometimes it's your dad, sometimes it's your kids. You know whomever. So when you're looking at your friends, you want to think about how does that person represent you when you are not in the room? What do you mean by that? Tracy, I'm glad you asked.

Tracey: 12:16

My mama told me this many, many moons ago. Thank you, gwendolyn, because my mama used to drop some nuggets. I get it now, I didn't get it back then. But my mama used to say baby girl. She didn't call me baby girl, she called me by my nickname. I would not say that on here. Also, if you're my true friend, you know my childhood nickname. But she used to say if they, if your friend is around somebody, no, let me back it up. Mama, don't get me If your friend talks about people around you, they'll talk about you around other people. And how do you know you have a true friend is if they.

Tracey: 12:54

If you're not in the room and somebody is saying something out of the way to you, they will stand flat footed and defend you. And I look at that. Thank you, big sis. But I look at that like, yeah, what are you saying when I'm not in the room? Are you carrying the weight of my name when I'm not in the room or are you there to bash me like everybody else? Because, guess what? People will tell you. You may not want to hear it, but people will tell you. People will tell you you may not want to hear it, but people will tell you. Will this friend help you without reservation or reward? Like, why are you helping me? Are you expecting accolades? Are you expecting a cheering session section? Or are you wanting to blast it all on social media that I helped you Y'all? I'm not going to lie.

Tracey: 13:41

I saw something yesterday that kind of inspired this, because I feel like the people that were impacted by this are grieving a lost friendship, but it just inspired me. So Will they? Are they willing to help and not even say a word. I know for a fact, like my big sis on here, she does things for people that will never know that she did it unless somebody told us. I think about Prince the singer. When Prince died, when Prince was alive, you didn't hear anything about him helping people. But as soon as that man passed away, everybody was like, yeah, he did this, he helped me with this, he helped me with that. Nobody said a word and I'm hoping and praying that my friends would do the same thing.

Tracey: 14:18

I look at friendship as, like we are living in the age non-disclosure agreements. Whatever we share, especially with me, whatever you share with me, I'm taking it to the grave, unless it's somebody that's going to harm you, or you are harming yourself or you get ready to harm yourself because I'm not visiting nobody in jail. That's unnecessary, okay. But yeah, I'm like a walking NDA. You tell me something is here because you trust me with your heart and with your, your, your, innermost feelings. It's going to stay right here.

Tracey: 14:52

So if you're joining us over there on Instagram, if you have any questions, comments, please interact, come on in the room. Your true friends will they be the first in line to destroy you if your friendship ends. Y'all know that old saying a hurt dog will holler your true friend. Your friend will not be the first one in line to destroy you or bring you down. So think about that. I bet some of y'all are watching this and going down a list.

Tracey: 15:26

I'm not, I didn't mean to start, no trouble y'all. I really didn't. I really didn't. I'm just here to help you. I'm just here to help you and I'm telling you what I've walked through, okay, what I've had to walk through and what I've had to walk other people through. But if your friendship ends and all of a sudden you hear all of your stuff in the street or they're going live and talking about you, baby, that wasn't your friend, that wasn't your friend and you need to cut ties immediately, immediately.

Tracey: 16:01

Honey, listen, coffee Brown on Facebook. That's because I know who I can call a Shug. That's an inside joke. She says when I can expose you. But don't, listen, listen. I'm going to say this about my best friends. I call them the divas. We call ourselves the divas. I say this all the time. They know where the bodies are buried and I don't have to worry about them saying Mary, mary, word Same here.

Tracey: 16:29

Matter of fact, we lost one of our friends coming up on the anniversary of her passing. But we had this joke yes, character does matter. We had this running joke with her. Y'all. This is how my friends and I talk. We had this joke where, if anything happens to us, grab our phones, grab our computers and wipe out everything. Wipe it all out Like put a virus on it or something, wipe out everything. So when she passed, when she passed, one of our girlfriends was at her house as they were finishing up everything and she saw her laptop, my friend's laptop, sitting there and she went over there and shut that down. So if somebody tried to get in it, it was locked. That's a friend. That wasn't nothing criminal y'all. But you know, we just want to make sure. Welcome to the shenanigans.

Tracey: 17:26

Let me be professional. Let me be professional. Come on, let's see Any questions, comments concerns issues. Y'all good, can y'all still hear me? Okay, don't get quiet on me now. Don't be quiet on me, okay, we almost finished, y'all, we're almost done.

Tracey: 17:44

So let's talk about why friendships end. Why do you think a friendship ends? Put it in the chat. There's numerous reasons as to why, but why do you think friendships end? And I have a stat that's probably going to blow your mind in a second. So be ready, put your seatbelt on. Why do you think friendships end? And of course there's a second. So be ready, put your seatbelt on. Why do you think friendships end? And of course there's a delay.

Tracey: 18:15

Oh, offense, yes, child, you offended me. You said it's mine, right? I'm going to tell you right now. My best friends offend me a lot of times and I'm just like huh, betrayal and lies. That will definitely do it. Definitely, growth shifts and changes. Yes, yes, yes, unspoken expectation. Baby, listen, don't hold your friends to a standard that you're not willing to hold yourself up to. Don't hold your friends to a standard that you're not willing to hold yourself up to. Okay, that's a nugget, you can keep that one.

Tracey: 18:52

So there's a study I found this today and I had to sit back myself and be like whoa but there's a study that showed that we lose about half of our friends every seven years. You lose about half of your friends every seven years. You lose about half of your friends every seven years. And immediately I thought, oh, seven is the number of completions. So immediately that took me down this rabbit hole. Well, if seven is the number of completion, then that just confirms that there are people in your life for certain times and seasons. Does that stop me from grieving it? No, we're going to get to that. I'm going to tell you how to. I'm going to tell you how to work through all this, because I don't just sit here and give you all of this stuff and I give you tools to help you get through it. But, yeah, that's an astonishing stat, right? That blew my mind. If that blew you away, put a bomb in the chat. Just drop a little bomb, a little mind-blowing in the chat. But yeah, every seven years we lose half of our friends. So it's expected. It's like a life cycle and life is all about cycles, grieving. I don't call them cycles anymore, I call them waves. Grieving comes in waves. So if you're riding the wave and remembering that God is in control, you're going to be all right. I promise you you're going to be all right. I promise you you're going to be all right.

Tracey: 20:11

So friendships can end for all of these reasons we just stated, also for lack of communication. It could be you just simply move away. Life gets to life and you get busy. Prime example my friends and I. Like I said, we've been friends in seventh grade but there was a time period where we had lost touch with each other because all of us moved. All of us moved. Some of us went to college, some of us went in the military Like all of us moved. We were scattered all over the place. But this little thing called social media brought us back together. That was one of the blessings about social media. But we picked up right where we left off. It was like we had never been apart.

Tracey: 20:51

But because we need to understand that life is going to shift and some people will get sifted in the shift Ooh, that was a word, let me write that down. But some people will get sifted in the ship. Sometimes people by no fault or reasoning of your own. They just they may feel like they don't hold up to whatever you're doing. Because, let's be real, sometimes we compare ourselves to other people and what's going on in their life. Well, I'm not there yet. I don't think I can be there. A lot of times when people say you've changed, it's because they're looking at the fact that maybe they're still in the same place or they're not as moved. Um, they haven't moved forward like you have or at the speed at which you have listen, sift it in the shift. Y'all know what's what? Um, sifting is.

Tracey: 21:46

I'm not a baker, but but I play one on TV. Sometimes you take that flour and you put it in a little sifter thing and it just clearly I'm not a baker because I said sifter thing but you just put it in there and you just get all the lumps and the clumps and the bumps out of that flour in order for you to use it. Baby, that's the preach. But yeah, sometimes life will do that. Sometimes God has to shake up our lives in order to see who's really there for you. And that doesn't mean you won't read that person. That doesn't mean that what it means is God is putting you in a better position so that he can put you in a position where you're supposed to be. Everybody can go with you. Everybody's not meant to go with you. Everybody can't go with you. Everybody's not meant to go with you.

Tracey: 22:30

There are some people that are in this season to expose some things, or expose you to some things, to help you grow, to help you develop, to teach you something and it's not always bad things. I've had people in my life who taught me amazing things. The next thing I know I haven't seen them, but it's okay. Do I miss them? Yes, yes, I had to grieve that relationship because it was their choice to move forward. It's OK. So sometimes we have lifetime friends, sometimes we have seasonal friends, sometimes we have situational friends, like the friends that I had when my daughter was alive. Some of them have gone on and what I realized, not gone on and died y'all Don't get me wrong. But some of them have gone on to other things in their lives and that's okay. Any questions, any concerns, any issues, all hearts and minds clear. We're not done yet. We're almost done. We're almost done. We're almost done, y'all, I promise. Now I've gotten here we go, here we go.

Tracey: 23:28

So I'm going to give you two scriptures. There are more scriptures in the Bible that talks about friendships, brotherhood, things like that, but I'm going to give you two scriptures that really stood out to me. First, thessalonians 5 and 11. First, thessalonians 5 and 11 encourages you to comfort one another and build one another up. If you aren't encouraging your friends or receiving encouragement, if you aren't building each other up, you might want to evaluate. You might want to evaluate Another scripture Proverbs 27 and 6.

Tracey: 24:04

Faithful are the wounds of a friend who corrects out of love and concern, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful because they serve the hidden agenda. If someone is in your life as a friend and they have a hidden agenda, say it with me. You might want to evaluate-hmm. So what do you do? What do you do when a friendship means? And you're grieving this thing, so remember, everyone grieves differently. And disclaimer, because I'm giving you this information, this does not form a client relationship. These are just tools that you can try to implement until you can get to somebody that you can meet with weekly, monthly, quarterly, whatever. These are just tools to help you get through the hump, all right. So what do you do when a friendship comes? Number one, allow yourself space to grieve, and you know what. One of the hardest things to do is to grieve someone that's still alive. Yeah, yeah, one of the hardest things to do is to grieve someone that's still alive. But allow yourself that space to grieve and I'm going to give you an example.

Tracey: 25:35

I have had a guy who was I called him my best bro. We did pretty much everything together. It was a straight up platonic relationship. We were just good, good, good, good friends. Anytime this joker got a girlfriend, he would forget about me. They don't think I was jealous or nothing, but it was just like I kept noticing that there was this pattern, like the friendship kept shifting and I was like, okay, this is weird, but whenever he would break up with somebody then he'd come back in my face. I asked him one day. I was like what's up with that? I've never given you a reason to act that way, because even when I was dating guys or whatever, I was like yeah, that's my friend, you're going to have to get used to him. Whatever. He finally said to me I want to protect my relationship. Okay, I have to respect that. And I just left it alone.

Tracey: 26:27

Well, one day it hit me that, oh, this friendship is over. And y'all, I kid you not I cried for probably about two or three days because it felt like a death. It felt like this man had just died and I had lost my best friend. And so I had to walk through that process of grieving our friendship because I couldn't call him for coming to put air in my tire. Guess what I did? I had to learn how to put air in my tire. I couldn't call him for coming over to kill a bug, like I had to learn how to kill, but you know stuff that we as women sometimes get men into. So I had to learn to live life without that friendship. And now it's just we text each other when it's a birthday and that's it.

Tracey: 27:16

But I have come to the realization that that part of our friendship is done, and so now he's more like an associate. I wish him all the best, I wish him growth, I wish him love, I wish him all good things, but that part of our life, that season of friendship, is done. Running into them and having mutual friends oh, we gonna deal with that too. Hold that thought. We're gonna deal with that, hey, adrian. So allow yourself space to grieve. Number two boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Remember that word boundaries. Setting up healthy boundaries when you're grieving a friendship is going to bless you.

Tracey: 28:00

Okay, first thing you want to do get off social media. Why are you still friends, friends social media, but y'all not friends in real life? Why are you running surveillance? Why are you following up behind them? It doesn't have to be a permanent thing, it could be temporary, but stop following these people on social media, on everything. Get off of that Because all you're doing is opening up another, opening up the wound that you're trying to get to heal, getting people off your socials and if you are um seeing them in real life, as much as possible keep your distance. You can be cordial, you can say hello, but step, step aside. And a lot of times when friendship is like, if you have a core friendship, a core group of friendship, excuse me, it may be hard to step aside, but please do not expect or ask anyone to pick sides in your friends group. It's going to be a gradual, natural thing when that happens.

Tracey: 29:02

If you are outside of the friend group, first of all, don't try to make nobody be friends with you when they really don't want to be. You're worthy of having new people in your life that want you there. Go where you're respected and loved, not just tolerated, amen, Amen. So in real life, try to keep your distance as much as possible. If you run into that person, if you um person, if you listen, I am, I'm talking about me, talk about me. Okay, I am not ashamed to go down an aisle if I see somebody in a store that I don't want to see. Quick with it. Okay, quick with it, like I would run into the friend that I was talking about earlier because we need. We lived in the same neighborhood, so of course I will see him at the coffee shop. I will see him and like, no, I don't want to talk to you right now because I'm staying and burst out crying because in a way, we just I just buried you, like I just buried our friendship child. I will see you and Scurry yes, know your worth, please, please. But keep your distance, at least until the point where you feel like, ok, I can, I can probably be in the same room. This person and I have all of my emotions well up and go, go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Ok, number three I hope y'all are writing this down. If you're not watch the replay, write it down. Number three connect with y'all are writing this down. If you're not watch the replay, write it down. Number three connect with people who make you feel good.

Tracey: 30:32

That goes back to what knowing your worth and being around people that celebrate you and not tolerate you. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Don't isolate, because isolation is detrimental to you. Now there are seasons where God will have you go, steal away and be in the wilderness for a little bit, but even then you're only in there for a season. But when you, a lot of times when you isolate yourself, you got all these thoughts running through your mind, like I wonder what they're doing. Like we used to do that. Oh, today's their birthday. Oh, we used to go. We supposed to go to this festival together. And then you find yourself pulling them back up on social media looking at everything that they do. Oh, we used to do. Oh, they living life without me. I'm over here, girl, girl, girl, girl. Stop. Connect with people who make you feel good, and I know.

Tracey: 31:27

A lot of times people say it is hard making friends. As an adult, you don't have to make friends. Get to know these people before you start calling them a friend. Start joining, try something new. Start joining. You got a hobby or want to learn something? Join a running group. Find a dance class that you can go make friends group. Find a little a dance class that you can go make friends. Facebook got 122 000.3 4 million groups. Get to know people before you start calling them an actual friend, because friendship is a bond. This is good for me. This is good. This is good to me. This is good to me. I said this already, but let's reiterate this Do not destroy them on social media, because guess what happens?

Tracey: 32:18

When you start destroying people on social media? You got the peanut gallery. There's always going to be somebody on your side. There's always going to be somebody on your side, whether you're right or wrong, and you could be as wrong as two shoes with the kidney heel. Don't put people on blast on social media, and I'm going to tell you right now, one of the hardest things to do is to not retaliate.

Tracey: 32:42

Not retaliating is not meaning that you are a punk. It takes a whole lot of strength to not go after somebody, especially when you got the bones to their skeletons. Don't do it, because guess what? This is what I do. This is how you assign that you know that you are healing or reached a different place. This is how you know If I'm on social media and I see you talking about somebody because of your personality, and if I've, like, been in your social media space, I'm gonna know. I'm gonna know who you're talking about, because you're gonna. The thing is, when you're spewing out hatred or anger, when you're spewing that out, you're dropping clues without dropping clues, and I'm real good at reading between the lines, sometimes a lot of times. And, baby, that's a sermon kicking oh Lord, we ain't even gonna talk about that. But I want to know who you're talking about. I'm not going to look at that person that you're talking about. I'm going to look at you and that's how you know that you're healing. Because if you're looking at the person that's out there throwing these bombs, I can't tell you how many times I've messaged somebody like child, go somewhere and heal. Get off social media, go somewhere and heal, because you're displaying your character. The other person's character is going to take care of itself, so don't destroy your friends on social media. Next thing realize the ending may be the best for the both of you.

Tracey: 34:20

Friendships don't necessarily win because something is wrong. I have a friend who she's a nomad, she's an expat, she does not live in the United States, ain't trying to come back to the United States. Our friendship is different, not because she's traveling the world and I'm stuck here, it's just because the time zones are different. It is, I know not to try to call her right now. Where is she now? Where is she now? It is I know not to try to call her right now? Where is she now? Where is she now? She is 12 hours ahead of me. I wouldn't dare try to pick up the phone and call this girl right now Because she's asleep.

Tracey: 34:59

You see how we make things so difficult and sometimes it's just as simple as a time zone change. Somebody may have had a new baby. If you are a new mom, you're a little busy, and don't get offended when people don't have the time or the space for you at that moment. It could possibly be a season, but you know what? What is a surefire way to end a relationship, a friendship, is if you're putting the expectation on somebody to drop everything for you when you know they just had a new baby, they just had a surgery, they just lost a child, they just got a divorce. Whatever the thing is, why aren't you putting your stuff down to come see about them In some kind of way? How can you support their friend?

Tracey: 35:40

Simply outgrow each other Lives go into different directions. Exactly the friends that I had in elementary school aren't the same friends I had in middle school. Middle school friends aren't the same friends I had in middle school. Middle school friends aren't the same friends I had in high school. High school friends aren't the same friends I had in college. Friends I had last year aren't the same friends that I have now, except for my core group. You know what? To be honest, there could be a season where that core group changes. I hope and pray that it doesn't, but if it does, I'll have to deal with it.

Tracey: 36:07

Sometimes our lives just take us into different places, and that's okay. But you as a human being, the person you are responsible for how you deal with it, not what that other person does. You are responsible for you, your healing, your transformation, not that other person. Remember that that ending may be best for both of you. For instance, I had somebody who we're no longer friends, unfortunately. I do miss that person, but I had to accept the fact that she couldn't take where I am now. I'm no longer that downtrodden child that has no hope and no future. She expected me to stay in the same place. That wasn't happening, so when I started to transform and grow, she couldn't take it. So she decided to exit and stage left. I'm okay with that. God bless you, godspeed. I wish you the best Now. If she calls me to ask for something, depending on what it is, I'll be there to help because that's just what I do. That's just what I do.

Tracey: 37:19

But some people may have underlying jealousy because you have an appearance it appears that you're doing better than them. It may not even be true, but it appears that you're doing better than them and if you have friends like that in your circle, you might want to evaluate Any questions. Am I going too fast? Is this making sense? Are y'all still here? Some people thrive off brokenness. Growth intimidates them. Amen, amen. Next thing create your own closure. If you have come to a friendship that has ended and some people just want closure, you may not get it. Create your own closure.

Tracey: 38:12

When I've had friendships that have ended, sometimes there are times where I was able to sit down and have a conversation with the person and a logical conversation. I knew that we weren't going to argue, because I don't like arguing, because I I'm saying job of a mouth is slick, y'all pray for me. And if I knew that we could have a logical conversation like adults, then we would sit there and be like, hey, you know what? I really honor you and I respect you, I love you, but I know that we're going to have to part ways and it's okay. You know, maybe we'll be able to connect again, but if not, you know, I wish you the best, but if we're not at a point where you can get closure, I had a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while.

Tracey: 38:59

She passed away. This is actually recently. She passed away and I had no idea. And so how I got closure from that? Because there was a little bit of guilt that rose up. It was like, oh, I should have called her, I should have reached out to her, like all of that rose up, but because she's no longer here, I sat down and I wrote her a letter and I put down everything that I wanted to say and didn't get an opportunity to say. And I went and I burned it because that was just for for me to be able to get those feelings out and allow myself space to grieve. And then I burned it. It was for no other person's consumption.

Tracey: 39:38

So create your own closure. If you have to write their name on a balloon and send it up to the heavens, create your closure. If you have to have a little ceremony, a little fume, you have to have a little fume. Have a little fume. Y'all know, okay, let me make sure for those who don't know what fume is. It's funeral. It's funeral. My prayer is that God seasons my words with grace so I know how to speak to all men. I can talk to the janitor and the CEO. Matter of fact, I was on the elevator today with my boss's boss's boss's boss, able to talk to everybody. So funeral is film right. Create your own closure.

Tracey: 40:25

I said this one avoid isolation. Y'all. Don't give the devil no room to get all up in your head. Don't give him no room. Avoid isolation. Any questions? Was this helpful? I told y'all we'll be done soon. Was this helpful? Are you able to take what I've shared and you able to take what I shared and use them? Use these tools later on. Yes, fume and kitten heels. Y'all know what a kitten is. Y'all know what a kitten heel is. Y'all know what a kitten heel is.

Tracey: 41:05

Thank you all for joining. If you have any questions, any concerns, any ideas, if you need prayer, please feel free to IM me, dm me. We pray for each and every person If you are wanting to work with me. So church announcements. Church announcements. Sorry to break this news to y'all. Lord, I'm getting sleepy, it's about that time.

Tracey: 41:40

Sorry to break this news, but I am no longer taking one-on-one clients. My life is shifting. I have other projects that are coming. You're welcome, jackie. I have other projects that are coming that are going to take some time. They're good things. They're really really good things and I still want to be able to serve you all, but I want to be able to serve in a way that is smart. Smart.

Tracey: 42:08

So, working one-on-one with clients, even though I love it and I love seeing people's breakthrough the way that my life, I'm your project, I love you, big sis, I'm your project, don't even try it but I love serving people. I love seeing people get their breakthroughs when they're understanding this grief and they're knocking it out the park, they're thriving in their new normal. But I wanted to have a way to be able to still enjoy my life and live the empowered life that I deserve and still, you know, reach my own goals. So I'm no longer doing one-on-one, but we do have a group coaching program that will be coming soon. So stay tuned.

Tracey: 42:51

My goal is to launch it in August, september, which, now that I think about it, hold on, yes, balance. You taught me that I don't want to be burned out at all. But now that I'm thinking about it, hold on, yes, balance. You taught me that I don't want to be burned out at all, but now that I'm thinking about it, they may be a little off. So, probably September, october. Let's do that September, october, and the reason why I don't want to do it at that time. Thank you, titus, thank you, big bro, but the reason why I'm doing that is because the holiday season can be really rough for people who are experiencing grief in some sort of way, and so I want to prepare you for the holiday season and beyond.

Tracey: 43:26

So if you didn't get a chance to catch the Art of Joy workshop, or if you haven't had a chance to have a consultation with me or work one-on-one with me, you will have an opportunity to do group. It will be a small group, so when you see it, jump on it. It will be a small group. But yeah, we've got some great things.

Tracey: 43:49

I want to. I want to concentrate more on the podcast. I want to be able to do more lives and I also want to, you know, get some personal things from me. I'm trying not to say it. I'm true, let me get over here before I do say it, but, yes, I really just want to make sure that I'm true, Let me get over here before I do say it but yeah, so I really just want to make sure that I'm impacting more people and being a good steward with the gifts that God has given me. All right, so, yeah, no more one-on-ones, but you can always catch me here on the social media I sound like an auntie. You can always catch me here on Facebook, instagram, tiktok, youtube threads, all the things. And if you have not joined my email list, please do so. But if you do sign up for my email list, please remember to confirm your subscription, because I can't do it and you will not get a single email from me if you don't confirm your subscription.

Tracey: 44:41

So, any questions for you all. We got 15 minutes. I am opening the floor for questions. Don't be shy. There's no wrong question and if it's something that I don't know, I will. I will find it. I will find it and let you know. I will find it and let you know who's at my door. That's my package. Yeah, any questions? All right, right, all right, all right.

Tracey: 45:20

I'm going to hold on for a second because I know that there's a delay. There's a delay, I got to watch. I'm getting useless. Y'all. First of all, thank you for joining and thank y'all for your patience, because technology has not been technology like I needed it to be and today we got it. I'm not even going to tell y'all the drama that ensued whenever I tried to do this before, but we're here. Praise God. All right Question how do you know if a friend has other motives?

Tracey: 45:47

All right, the simple, the simple yet deep answer is pray. Pray, because God will show you and he will tell you. If you don't have a prayer life. It's just certain things that you kind of look out for. What are they saying? Like, like.

Tracey: 46:04

Definitely listen to what they're saying. For instance, if you say, hey, I think I'm going to go back to school, if they're not saying, okay, girl, you got this, let's go. But they're saying, oh, can you afford that? Oh, man, I'm not saying like. They'm not saying they're not asking questions, for You'll know the difference between them asking questions for deeper knowledge versus asking questions to hinder you.

Tracey: 46:30

Always listen to the tone, listen to Listen. Keep your ears open. If they always have something negative to say about anything that you're doing, there may be a hidden agenda. Or if they know that you're trying to do something and they go and do it before you. This is why I don't make moves in silence, even with your friends. My best friends don't know every move that I'm making. They don't, they don't. I love them and I trust them, and I know they won't say anything, but you never know what's going to happen. So always listen to the ulterior motives. That makes sense. Good, good, good, good, good.

Tracey: 47:08

Does grief have a time frame? Nope, it does not. Grief does not have a time frame. It does not have a time limit. How you grieve, though, should change. How you grieve, something should change. How you grieve, something should change.

Tracey: 47:22

I always use this as an example, y'all. I'm not trying to talk about myself, but I know myself more than I know y'all. So this is what I've experienced the way that I grieved my daughter. How long has it been? 18 years. The way I grieved for my daughter 18 years ago is totally different than how I grieve for my daughter today. Biggest difference is I don't lay on the floor in the fetal position wishing for the Lord to take me home. I actually can celebrate her life.

Tracey: 47:50

For 10 years, I was held in bondage by grief. I hated for February to come around. I say February through May is what I call my grief season, because I've had significant losses through that time. February through May, I used to be a whole hot mess. You couldn't get me to put on makeup, you couldn't get me to dress myself up. Everything about me just looked like death and grief and dying. I don't look like that now, do I.

Tracey: 48:20

And nobody can tell you how to grieve. If they do, send them to me, I'll pull up. But no, grief has no time limit. It has no time frame. It doesn't even come in order. Hey, jalesa, it doesn't even come in order. I call them they. The technical term is grief.

Tracey: 48:44

Yes, yes, dr Threat, she knows me. I wouldn't even celebrate my birthday, and now you can't get me to not celebrate my birthday for the whole month. But yeah, I hate it for my birthday to come around because I felt like, why do I still get to live and my daughter's not here? But now, march 1st, march 1st, midnight March 1st, shenanigans begin all the way up until March 31st. And on my actual birthday chow Chow, I'm looking my crown sitting right there, my birthday crown. Let me mess around and get a sash. But yeah, it's totally different.

Tracey: 49:30

Any other questions? These are good questions, by the way. Any other questions? Hey, birthday twins. Ruby doobie yeah, yep, yep, yep. Ruby doobie yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Any other questions or comments? If not, I'm going to wait, because I know there's a delay and even at the end of this it'll be posted. The replay will be posted. So even if you have questions after you watch this live, feel free to comment. We come back and look and see stuff and I'll respond. Let's see, let's see. No other comments, no other questions. Let me just check Instagram Instagram Instagram for sure, because I know Instagram sometimes has the comment box and no, it's not there. Ooh, chad didn't email me about a puppy. I'm not getting a puppy. I'm not, I'm not. I want one, but I'm not. I don't have, I don't have time. Oh, my god. Oh, what's so bad? All right, any other questions? Oh, y'all um. Oh, wait a minute.

Tracey: 50:57

How do you respond when people want to ask questions surrounding your loss? Oh, that's a good one, oh, that's a good one. First of all, you can say respectfully or you can be just no, don't be disrespectful. Y'all. I told y'all still, I'm still um. A couple things that I say. If there's somebody who asks questions because you know people, some people are generally curious and then some people are just nosy and then people are on people y'all. But a couple of things that I say, especially around this time of year, like if people, if someone is respectful and says hey, I really want to ask you a question, but I'm not sure how this is going to affect you. I'll listen, but always remember you don't have to answer. You don't have to answer. You can say you know what, at this time I am not comfortable sharing that information, or at this time I don't want to talk about it, and if they pressure you send them to me, I'll pull up, let me stop. But no, you don't have to answer any questions, because I think I posted because somebody made me mad. I'm going to be honest. Somebody had just passed away and it was like people were like well, what happened? Why'd they die? I'm like, first of all, what are you going to do with that information? What are you going to do with it? Is it going to change anything? No, stop asking me. So you can definitely say you know what. I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you, or I don't feel, at this time I don't want to discuss it. I don't feel, at this time I don't want to discuss it. Or you don't even have to preface it with. At this time I don't want to discuss it. And if they can't respect their boundaries, say it with me. Might want to evaluate why they ain't alive, just saying All right Question from Instagram. Y'all know I'm, I'm, I'm. She'll extend them to me. Okay, cause I will fight. I will fight for y'all know I'm, I'm. She'll extend them to me. Okay, um, cause I will fight, will fight for y'all. I will fight for y'all. When it comes to this grief, um, when grieving, what's the difference between replaying something and healing through something? Ooh, that's a good one. So let me think, let me think how I want to say this. Let me think, let me think, let me think. I don't want to say this. Let me think, let me think, let me think, think, think, let me think, let me think, think, think.

Tracey: 53:25

If you are continually replaying something in your mind, what kind of emotion is that stirring up? Is it giving you anxiety? Is it giving you anxiety? Is it giving you overwhelming sadness? Is it putting you in a spiral of depression? What is that making you feel like the Bible tells us to cast every imagination that exalts itself above Christ If you find yourself continually replaying something, think of something positive, think of two things positive, think of three things positive, and it doesn't have to be anything grand, like, for instance, I can again, I can talk about me, talk about me, I can't talk about you, nobody else.

Tracey: 54:12

One of the things I would do when I think about my daughter, there was a time where I would replay that day over and over in my mind. Actually, it happened recently I'm just being honest with y'all Because the anniversary of her passing just came through and I get hit twice sometimes, because the day that my daughter passed away was Easter, resurrection Sunday, and you know resurrection doesn't happen on the same Sunday all the time. So Resurrection Sunday would hit and then April 16th would hit and I would replay that day over and over in my mind Like what did I miss? Why didn't I see that? Why did I tell her? No, she could have been playing my phone, like all that stuff. So y'all see how quick that happened. So what I would do is I would think about Kenya's favorite food. I don't know if y'all I haven't said my daughter's name. Her name is Tekinya. I would say Kenya's favorite food. I would think of something that she would do to make me laugh. I would break those thought patterns up.

Tracey: 55:12

So how do you know you're going through? Your healing is when you can think of those thoughts and it not send you in a spiral. You can actually smile through them. You can actually laugh through them. You can do something as simple as talk to another person about that person that you lost and not be like, oh God, you know that kind of thing. There is a thing called unresolved grief. I did a live on that. Sometimes it might've been last year, but unresolved grief is a different kind of thing. I don't have the time to go through it here, but yeah, there's a live where I talk about that and there are signs and symptoms that you can go through, look through on that live and see if that, if you fall into those categories in any kind of way. But if you are replaying something and it sends you into a spiral, you're not healing. You may have to work a little harder on your healing, but if you're healing through something and it can bring you joy, it can bring you peace, it can bring you all those good things that are holy and lovely, then you're healing through it. That's a great question.

Tracey: 56:19

How do you prepare ahead of time for the questions? Oh honey thing is you kind of have to prepare for the unexpected, which is hard because you never know what people are going to say, what people is going to say Ooh, that was bad English, my mom would get me for that but you don't know what people are going to ask or what they're going to say. So how do you prepare ahead of time? Here's a good tip If you could just sit down and write like a little FAQ Y'all know how websites and stuff have FAQs on their websites or like frequently asked questions I have to stop thinking that people know what I'm talking about.

Tracey: 56:56

But frequently asked questions A lot of times main questions how did they die? What happened, who got the body? Like all of those dumb questions. So write like FAQs frequently asked questions that are what you think may be asked, or even some of the questions that you might have asked in the past. But now you know better, you're going to do better. We've all been there y'all.

Tracey: 57:24

I'm guilty of it too. Write those questions down and think about what you're going to say. And if somebody asks you a question that kind of throws you off, remember that question, put it on your FAQ so then you'll have an answer when they come back. Somebody else comes and asks that question or a form of that question. But you can always say, respectfully, let me be kind, respectfully, I'm not sharing that information. And if they ask you why I'm not sharing that information, that's confidential and classified. That's a nice way of saying it ain't none of your business.

Tracey: 58:03

Okay, y'all know I'm so good. Thanks for that. I'm heading out, but wanted to check. Okay, you're healing, but wanted to check. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Tracey: 58:16

And y'all, healing is a process. You know. I truly believe that God can heal in an instant. I've seen him do that for me Sometimes. You have to go through the process of healing and don't be upset with yourself because you're healing. Don't be upset with yourself if you have a setback. It's not that you have a setback, it's what you do in a setback. Ok, be gentle with yourself, especially when you're grieving. You are a different person. You realize every time you grieve a loss or have a loss, you are a different person. You're never going to be the same person. I am not the same Tracy from April 16, 2006. I'm not and I shouldn't be. I'm 40, whole eight years old. I should not be the same and if I am, something is wrong. Houston, we have a problem. Amen, amen.

Tracey: 59:10

Any other questions, y'all better get me before this. My brain starts saying, girl, it's bedtime. So yeah, my brain starts saying, girl, it's bedtime. So yeah, these are really really good questions, really really good questions. See, my phone is telling me it is time to wind down. That's a healthy boundary too. That's a healthy boundary.

Tracey: 59:46

I put my phone on do not disturb. Every night at 8 o'clock, and I don't care who don't like you. And I tell people if there's an emergency, y'all better not be calling me. I can't do nothing. They'll call 911. What am I going to do? What am I going to do an emergency? Y'all better not be calling me. I can't do nothing. They're calling 9-1-1. What I'm gonna do? What am I gonna do if y'all can't tell? I enjoy life.

Tracey: 1:00:10

It took me a while to get here, but now that I'm here, ain't no turning back. There's no turning back. There's no turning back. There's no turning back. There's no turning back. There's no turning back. There's no turning back. I'm stalling because if you have questions, I'm giving you time to put them in here.

Tracey: 1:00:32

Instagram y'all probably get ready to cut off, because Instagram only give us an hour, so I'm going to bid you adieu. A good night. Thank you for joining. Come back next Tuesday.

Tracey: 1:00:45

If you have a topic that you would like for me to discuss, dm me, let me know, we'll talk about it. That goes for you, too. Facebook and YouTube, all y'all. If you have a topic that you would like for us to discuss, dm me, we'll talk about it. Alright, I don't know what the topic is about it. Alright, I don't know what the topic is going to be next week.

Tracey: 1:01:02

Y'all I don't know. I get inspired. Gotta drop a nugget. He gave me this on the ride home today. I was like oh no, no, no, take that back. He gave me this when I was sitting at my desk at work. You're welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome. So I never know what he's going to drop. I just love it when he does it, though, because it'd be good when he do that. All right, it's all right, good night.

Tracey: 1:01:31

Instagram, instagram land, facebook, y'all still got me for a little bit. Instagram had cut off here, but y'all still got me for a little bit, if there are no questions about the exit stage left. So if you're typing, go ahead and type it because I'm about to go. All right, y'all, thank you so much for joining. I appreciate your time, your participaciones, love you big sis.

Tracey: 1:02:14

Dr three, y'all, please don't Listen, listen, facebook, instagram, all y'all. Please go, follow Dr Elizabeth Pauling Threat, talk about a powerhouse and we'll teach you the word of God. Baby, I am who I am Because of the word of God. Baby, I am who I am because of the Lord and her. You can thank her for all this. You see, right here. Thank the Lord because she's going to give you the light of the year, but I'm giving you your flowers, dr Three, when I tell you, this woman breaks down the word of God, like listen, listen, listen, and we act alike. So y'all, she's a little bit, she's a lot more refined than I am, so I'm learning. Okay, yeah, see people coming up to time. I'm like yes, yes, lord, absolutely, absolutely, follow her, follow her, follow her. All right, I'm about to go, y'all.

Tracey: 1:03:27

It is five after eight. I've had on real clothes all day. I'm ready to put on some sweats. Look, look, this is so not, this is not decorumorum. My business mentor is going to see this. She's like girl. Why are you taking your jewelry off? Because I can Look, this is the authentic me. Love me or leave me alone. Anyway, I love y'all. I love y'all. Join me here next week. But before I sign off I gotta say I want y'all to remember this thing Remember God loves you, I love you. There ain't nothing you can do about it. Boo, see you next week, or in the stories or on the feed or whatever. Love y'all Night, thank you.