Double X

Approaching 50 doesn't mean slowing down; it means gearing up for transformation! 

Ever wondered about the emotional complexities of rekindling old flames? You're in for a treat as I navigate the rollercoaster of reconnecting with an ex-boyfriend. From the heartwarming moments of rediscovery to the frustrating dynamics of long-distance relationships, I lay it all bare. Listen as I discuss setting boundaries, recognizing self-worth, and the lessons learned from my past relationship experiences. This chapter is all about finding joy and resilience amidst adversity and understanding the value of patience, kindness, and emotional intelligence in dating.

Chapters

• 0:23 Season Eight Launch and Updates
• 3:13 Relationship Reflections and Revelations
• 18:37 Navigating Relationship Expectations and Communication
• 33:13 Setting Boundaries and Self-Worth in Relationships
• 40:26 Navigating Dating in Your 40s
• 47:32 Dating Expert Guest Potential

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:23

What's good, everybody. Welcome to the Charging Station. What's good, everybody, welcome to the Charging Station. Season eight, hello, hello, hello. It's your girl, tracy Massey, of Living my Empowered Life. I am super excited to be back with you.

Speaker 1: 0:38

We took a little break over the summer. We're actually over August, so I can just enjoy the last little bit of my summer because, yeah, I have been ripping and running since March of 2024. Like every weekend in March since March, I've had something going on. So we're currently at the time of the recording of this podcast. We are in September, and so in March I had made a promise to myself to sit down in August and September, meaning no traveling. The answer was no, there were no events, there was no traveling. You know, I just needed a break and I'm glad that I did that, because now I feel refreshed and, with the fall season coming coming, there's more travel. October, november is about to get crazy in a good way, and the holiday season is approaching, so it's going to be a lot going on. So I'm glad I took that hiatus.

Speaker 1: 1:37

But anyway, if you are new here, welcome to the Charging Station. I hope that you subscribe, follow, share, come back for the shenanigans. We have a good time over here. If you're a returning listener, hey, boo, you know I love me some. You welcome back. Welcome back. I'm so glad to be back on the couchy couch with my peeps. So come on in, tap that hand sanitizer, take your shoes off, because don't be bringing your dirty shoes in on my floor. Okay, we're here to have a good time.

Speaker 1: 2:05

So I'm kicking off season eight with a story time, okay, but first. But first. But first couple things, couple housekeeping things. We got. We have a new thing that's going on right now. If you look at the show notes, at the bottom of the show notes you see this item line item that says text me. You can leave a text message on the show now. So if you leave a message, a text message, I will read your text out on the next episode and respond to it. If you have a question, or if you're just shouting me out, if you're leaving a review, I'm going to be reading those all season. So make sure you go and send me a text message.

Speaker 1: 2:51

Let me know what you think about the episode, let me know what you think about the show and, um, everybody, please be sure to follow me on the socials, on Instagram at living my empowered life, facebook. Living my empowered life on TikTok and livingmyempoweredlife, especially on TikTok. I'm actually a little bit more active on TikTok. I'm new to TikTok and so I want to get my peeps up over there.

Speaker 1: 3:13

If you listened to the last episode in season seven, I was talking about how my content is changing. It's just been a whole lot of shifting and if I sound funny, y'all I'm sorry. I am wearing my retainer like a good girl, so I probably sound funny. My s's are probably going to be super pronounced, so just bear with me, okay, if you don't know, I've had braces three times, so I'm serious about my teeth, okay. But anyway, now that we got all that, all that out of the way, let me tell you about the story time. So I am almost 50 at the time of the recording of this podcast.

Speaker 1: 3:50

I'm 48 and I am embarking on this journey called fit, fine and fabulous by 50, where my goal is to drop 100 pounds and be the fittest I've been in my adult life. So I am on the road to doing that. Well, with turning 50, you start contemplating a lot of things, and I don't know about you, but with every decade that I've changed like age wise, I'm always reflecting on what has occurred and setting new goals for myself, and so one of the things is I'm single. I'm not upset about being single. If you are dating in these streets then you know that the dating pool is shallow and got a little sugar Avery P in it. Some of these fellas and I can only speak on the men that I've encountered because I'm a I'm a woman, I date men. But I also know you know, talking to some of my single guy friends, they ran into some shenanigans as well. And don't go asking why me and my single guy friends don't get together. That's just weird. We're friends. I don't even look at them like that, okay, but anyway, I'm single At this age.

Speaker 1: 5:08

I've been able to accomplish some great things, especially in 2024. 2024 has been on and popping Like 2024 has been that girl, okay. This year I found my newfound sister. You've heard her on one of my sisters, you've heard on the podcast. We've found other siblings. We're still trying to flesh out meetings and contact and all of that stuff. But my sister Robin, sister number one, she's been on the show. So we formed a fabulous bond and relationship.

Speaker 1: 5:39

So finding my siblings, finding the name of my father. That really wasn't on my bucket list, that wasn't on my bingo card for 2024, but boom, there it is and I'm very, very grateful for that, because it's just amazing having a sister and that happened. I've had a great career shift promotion. We also had a little bit of news that came out a couple of weeks that even shifted me a little bit more news that came out a couple weeks that even shifted me a little bit more. But career-wise, going great, physically amazing, financially stable, mentally clear. The only thing that was missing was a relationship, and so this thing was not on my 2024 bingo card either. So I'm going to share that with you, and when you hear this story and what I'm going to share, you will understand why the title of this episode is called Double X. I'm so creative.

Speaker 1: 6:41

Anyway, back in November, well, let me let me start from the top. So 11 years ago I was engaged. I was dating someone. We fell in love. He asked me to be his wife. My southern came out hard right there, I hope. Did y'all hear that how? I said wife, wife. He asked me to be his wife, yeah, well, he asked me to marry him. I said yes and um, at the time. You know, we had some people who were kind of like y'all are doing this really fast, because we met on a blonde date, which is something that I've never done. We were set up by mutual friends. At the time, a friend of mine was dating a friend of his and they were like you two would be great. So I went out on a blind date with this guy and was like smitten, clearly, because if I say yeah, I'm gonna marry you. So yeah. So we started dating in February and then we were engaged in March and so people were like what are you doing? Do you even know this guy? Blah, blah, blah, and let's put a pin right there.

Speaker 1: 7:51

I just want to say this right now I am not a spontaneous person per se. I do tend to go with the flow, with a strategy. Okay, I don't make knee jerk, emotional decisions. If anything, you can't say that I fly by the seat of my pants. If anything you're going to say, I overthink. So for me to say yes to this man, it did not mean that we were going to get married the next day or within that year. Okay, because I knew, because I'm a smart cookie, you don't know people unless you've gone through a few seasons with them. And when I say seasons I'm not meaning literally winter, spring, summer and fall. Sometimes it can be that red lines crystal clear. But going through some seasons, I need to know how you handle certain things. So even though I said yes after literally maybe six weeks of knowing this man, that did not mean I was gonna marry him the next day. Okay, and I just want people to listen to this, even my friends and family, because I really think some of y'all don't know me like you think you do. T ain't crazy, ok, but yeah. So we get engaged and some things happen. Life started happening.

Speaker 1: 9:18

And one thing about me I have endured a lot of things. About me, y'all, I have endured a lot of things. I am a trauma survivor and so when adversity comes from me, I look at things differently. I'm not saying that adversity doesn't, doesn't affect me or impact me in some kind of way. It does, but the way that I bounce back it's a little different than the average person. I tend to allow myself to feel what I feel and then start putting into practice the tools and things that I've learned over the years through therapy, and putting into practice the word of God in my prayer life and fasting and things like that. So when things like that, when tragedy strikes or adversity happens, I don't react the way that people think I'm going to. So remember that. But in our relationship, adversity happens.

Speaker 1: 10:18

He lost his job. And one thing about the men that I tend to date they're all driven, ambitious men. They want to be providers, protectors and things like that. That's the only way I'm going to have it. Okay, you can't be a dust bunny, you can't be a bum and try to get over here. Okay. So he lost his job and I'm like, okay, we can get through this, blah blah, blah blah. You know being supportive, and everything like that. Well, I saw how he handled adversity and I'm going to be honest, I went through it with this man. I went through it. I stayed longer than I should have stayed. It took more than what I should have taken Now.

Speaker 1: 11:09

Granted, I was a lot younger than what I am now and I wasn't, you know, a kid. I was in my, you know, 11 years ago. If I'm 48, do the math I was clearly in my 30s, pushing 40. But at that time, I was dealing with some things as well, like there was a period in my life when I was, I was lonely. Well, not necessarily lonely, I was alone. I wasn't really lonely because my life was fulfilling, but it was just longing, that's the word. I was longing for a companion. I was longing for a relationship because at that time most of my friends were dating and getting married and having kids, and that does something to you. It's like, okay, well, what's wrong with me? So I did, I went through that, and so I put up with a lot more than what I should have with this man. I'm not ashamed about it, because there's a lot of us probably you listening, probably thinking yeah, girl, I've been there too, so I don't mind sharing you know what I want you to know. You gonna know it.

Speaker 1: 12:09

So we went through this thing and at the time we were living in two different states. We were, we were probably about an hour and a half away from each other, so we're in a long distance relationship and we weren't communicating. And he cheated on me and that was devastating. Devastating to me, because I found the woman that he cheated on me with. But first of all, let me tell you how I found out. So he started moving real funny and at this time I started I was sick and I was in and out of the hospital. Like my friends know this story, I was in and out of the hospital. Like my friends know this story. I was in and out of the hospital. He wasn't there, you know, he was moving, real funny.

Speaker 1: 12:47

But me being who, I am like, oh he, you know he's going through this, making excuses for him, child, just dumb. So he blocked he. We have an argument and I'm like he wished me the best and I'm like, oh, you know, you wishing me the best Negro. I ain't going to say what I want to say, you know, but I'm like huh, but then the next day you're like I love you. Well, I'm going to tell you, god always shows me stuff. Disclaimer Let me just put this out there Y'all don't be trying to get over people who who have a relationship with God, who fast, who pray, who ask God these tough questions and who have a little bit of prophetic gift in them, because God going to always tell them. So he blocks me on his social media. He puts his little accounts and stuff on private. Okay, and I want y'all to remember this too, because there's a pattern he puts his little stuff on private, where he forgets to put me, to block me on Instagram.

Speaker 1: 13:48

Now, and during this time, I'm having these horrible migraines that look like strokes. It looks like I'm having a stroke. I'm having double vision, all of this stuff in and out of the hospital. So at this time I was my eyesight was not very good. I just so happened to open up Instagram this particular day. I don't know why, but I opened up Instagram and guess what's the first thing I see? It's a picture of him and this woman and they booed up. Now, mind you, he done proclaimed his love for me. He misses me, he wants me back. Blah blah, blah, blah. We need to work this out. Blah, blah, blah. I see him booed up with this woman. I'm like, okay, is this an old picture? So she's tagged. You know what I did? Yep went right on over to her account.

Speaker 1: 14:40

I never reached out to her because I don't believe in it. I'm like the man knows the person in the relationship knows that they are in a relationship. I'm gonna deal with the person that knows that they're in a relationship. Unless a woman stepped to me cross-eyed and talking out the side of the neck, I don't have an issue with you, sis, I don't have an issue with you. I have an issue with the man that I'm dating because he knows he's dating. So I go look at her account and there they are. There they are. And then I'm looking at her like oh my God, she's beautiful. Like the chick was bad. She was so bad. She used to be a video vixen, mm-hmm. That tanked my self-esteem. So I was like devastated.

Speaker 1: 15:30

Fast forward, you know. Well, I let him know that. I know I see you, you see me, I see you. And then I'm like you know what I'm done. I can't do this. Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 15:39

Fast forward to another year. He comes. He's not even a year, maybe about six months. He circles back around here. You know she done dumped him because you know he's playing a facade. You know this is a video vixen. She done been around rappers. She done been around. You know that type of thing. He couldn't provide that lifestyle for her. So they break up or whatever she's married within like three months. Do with that information what you will.

Speaker 1: 16:10

So we end up like he's asking me you know, can we be us again? Blah, blah. At that time I'm so hurt. I'm like, no, I can't even deal with you right now. And don't talk for a while. Fast forward. He reaches out for my birthday, wishing me happy birthday. I don't know why I didn't block his phone number, but we're having conversations, we're being cordial now. So now I'm at the point where I can be cordial with you, but during this entire time he's asking me Okay, is there a way we can be us again? Now my answer has been no, because my thought process was there is no us like you killed us. There is no us Like the woman, they that you knew you killed her like you just destroyed her.

Speaker 1: 17:01

Because the rebuilding that I had to do from that breakup y'all, I did some serious work. Now, mind you, I am leaving out some parts of the story to protect his identity, because I'm not here to bash him. This is about me. I'm not here to bash him, so I'm leaving out certain parts. But I did some serious work because, when I tell you, my heart was broken. I think this was the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced and I even told him. I said losing you, breaking up with you, losing this relationship, hurt more than me losing my daughter. Losing my daughter I couldn't do anything about. But I felt like I should have seen who this man is and what he, what he represents. So I felt betrayed, I felt blindsided, just broken.

Speaker 1: 17:56

Fast forward to November of 2023. Mind you, we're cordial, we're friends, we're friendly. Like he would text every once in a while I was like, hey, how you doing, how your kids doing whatever. So we would have conversation. But it was nothing like serious. Mind you, we're cordial, we're friends, we're friendly, like he would text every once in a while I would say, hey, how you doing, how your kids doing Whatever. So we would have conversation. But it was nothing like serious. I've been dating, having a good old time. I'm pretty sure he was dating or whatever. But it got to a point where I was like I'm tired of dealing with these nappy head men, like I'm just, I'm just over it. So there came a point in my life where I was focusing on me so fast forward to November of 2023, and how things in my life are just going very well.

Speaker 1: 18:37

And he tells me he's having surgery. So I'm, like you know, concerned, because I'm not a mean-spirited person. If I care about you, I care about you, like I really just want people to be well and whatever. So if we consider ourselves friends, I'm gonna check on you, make sure you're good, or whatever, unless God says sever the tie. Okay, well, god says sever the tie. That's a different story. So fast forward. We're now living in the same city. He lets me know he's having surgery, surgery. He didn't give me the date or anything, because I'm pretty sure he knows I would have shown up. But he texted me after his surgery and was like hey, surgery went well, I'm home recovering, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like okay, is there anything you need? Blah blah.

Speaker 1: 19:19

So we're having this conversation for like a week or two and I go about my merry little day. He's's good, whatever, about six weeks. Well, it was December. He we're on the phone. I'm calling to check on him. We're on the phone and as I'm driving I was saying, okay, well, do you need some soup? I'll block and Instacart you something or whatever.

Speaker 1: 19:44

And he says to me you're so sweet I could kiss you. And I say you're not my man, so you can't be kissing on me, like kisses are only reserved for my man. And he says well, I'm about to change that because you need to be my girl again. And I say what? And not realizing that he's serious. I'm thinking he's joking or, you know, feeling good off his payments or something. I'm like, yeah, whatever, no, and I said now you can't be my man, but you can be my side piece if you want to be like I'm joking.

Speaker 1: 20:17

He's like, yeah, I'll be your side piece. Like what does that entail? I said do you know what a side piece is Like? I don't think you understand what that means. And so I explained to him that means I can go out with whomever I want to at any given moment in time, and we live in the same city now. So that means there's a chance that you're going to see me out with somebody else and I don't think you can handle that. Y'all why this man said no, he can't handle that and we need to be exclusive. We're going to be exclusive. We're exclusive now and he hangs up the phone and I'm like wait, what? What is he joking? He hangs up the phone and wouldn't answer. So I'm like, huh, okay, and wait a minute.

Speaker 1: 21:01

So I go on about my day, try to figure out what the heck happened, and the next day I called him. I was like listen, were you serious? Like what was that, what was that? Because back up I had been noticing when we were, when I would call and check on him, he would say things like my love, my sweet. So you know, he was very like my woman kind of thing and I'm like, okay, whatever, you high. So I called him back the next day and I'm like, yo, what was that? What was that all about?

Speaker 1: 21:27

And so he goes into saying, you know, he wants us to be back together, blah, blah, and I'm like, listen, okay, we can try it, but we need to have a real tough conversation. So we had a very long and tough conversation. When I say long, it was like two and a half, almost three hours because I was like, listen, we did not end on a good note and there were some things in this relationship before that I'm not going to tolerate now Because, mind you, it has been eight years since we had been a couple and I have gone through a lot of stuff. I had done a lot of growing, a lot of changing. You've been out of my life, you have taught me how to live without you, all of this stuff. So I'm like I am not the same Tracy that you dated eight years ago. Bruh, I'm not the same, and so we had this conversation.

Speaker 1: 22:20

He said what he wanted. I said what I wanted, laid out an expectation. Okay, great, so we're dating, we're having spending time together because, now, you know, this is the first time we're in the same city, so we were literally living 20 minutes away from each other and so we were spending time together. We were going out, we were talking you know it was great. You know it was great. Um, we were making plans for travel. Um, we actually traveled for my birthday, had an amazing trip. He did some amazing things on my birthday and I was just like okay, this, this I like. Well, remember, I said he had had surgery, so he was still recovering from the surgery.

Speaker 1: 23:08

Life started happening again. Another adversity comes up, so he has to move back to Columbia. Before he moves, I say listen, listen, we're going to be in a long distance relationship, so we need to be proactive, like what's going to happen, how I need you to communicate with me, because that was that's been my biggest thing. I don't ask for a lot. I need you to communicate with me and I need you to spend time with me. Those are the two things that I ask in every relationship, be truthful, communicate and spend time with me. So I'm expressing to him this is what I am going to need because, mind you, I've already learned how to live without this man and, even being back in a relationship, the things that I had going on in my life at the time they did not stop.

Speaker 1: 23:58

So fast forward to a? Um. When he moves right around May, I'm getting frustrated because we're not spending time with each other. Um, the patterns started coming back from what I saw excuse me, saw in our, our past relationship and I was like listen, this is the same thing, it's the same pattern, I'm not happy, I need this. And I was. I was really about to tap out then because I was like no, no, I don't deserve this. Oh, and I forgot y'all. I had him on a 90-day probation. When we got back together, he didn't know that. If he's listening to this, which I doubt that he is, but if he's listening, you were on a 90-day probation, sir. The 90 days ended my birthday weekend. I should have put you on six-month probation, but the nine days ended and I did that because of our past relationship.

Speaker 1: 24:55

I was very cautious, I was very strategic and I also was talking to my therapist about it, like am I crazy for even wanting to allow this man back into my life in that way? And I had a couple of friends get upset with me because I didn't tell them that we were dating. But I had my reasons. I had to figure it out. I had to be certain that I did want him back and what that looked like Like had he really changed? I knew I changed, but had he really changed? Blah, blah, blah, blah. So I had my reasons for it. It was, it was all. It was like I was protecting my, my, my space, my peace, my mind and my heart, because I remember what not protecting it did and how devastated I was, and I refused to be devastated again. So I was very strategic in it.

Speaker 1: 25:43

But I was telling him in May like listen, I'm asking you for this. He had made a promise and he had broken that, broken a. Like listen, I'm asking you for this. He had made a promise, that he had broken that promise to me and I'm like, okay, here's the same mess, here we go. It's the same mess, and I am not shy about expressing and communicating what it is. I want, need and expect, and I also compromise and I ask people well, what is it that you want from me or need from me? Like, how can I make this better on my end? Relationships are reciprocal.

Speaker 1: 26:18

Okay, so we're having this talk and I was like, listen, I need to talk to you about something. I'm not happy. This that X, y and Z. I'm not happy in this situation. This that X, y and Z. I'm not happy in this situation. And I was like well, what do you want from me? And he said I need you to be patient with me. And I said, okay, I have no problem being patient, but I need you to communicate with me. I don't want to have to sit back and try to figure out what's going on in your head, because at this point, our lives are joined, like we're in a relationship. So whatever happens with you is it's going to affect me some kind of way. Whatever happens with me is going to affect you. I will communicate with you and let you know like, hey, this is, this is what it is.

Speaker 1: 26:55

So that was May and we're not spending any time together because he's in Columbia, I'm in my city, I'm in Charlotte. Um, it's a lot of things financially that's happening with him, but I'm sitting here watching him do all of these things for people in Columbia, but he's not spending time with me, he's not answering the phone. It's just the same pattern. Now, do I think he was cheating? I don't think he was cheating, but it was just the same pattern. Matter of of fact, I don't care if he was cheating or not, because I already knew I had one foot out the door and so we had planned to um, go to um. We were taking a trip for his birthday in November and so I had made the plans, made the reservation, set it up real nice, like VIP star treatment all the way, because I knew he had had a rough year and I was like you deserve this trip. I really wanted him to have a moment of peace, tranquility or whatever. So trip is all set up. Okay, we um.

Speaker 1: 28:03

We have an instance where he was supposed to be here in Charlotte and I was like okay, you're coming, just stop by my job, come get the keys so you can get in. I'm not going to be home when you get there. Blah, blah, blah. I get off at a certain time. He knows what time I get off. So I'm basically kind of hanging around my desk and in the office. So when he comes I will be ready to go downstairs and give him a key, do whatever. Well, I'm getting off work. I haven't heard from him. Well, we have been texting throughout the day so he was updating me on what's going on.

Speaker 1: 28:45

The time that I get off work I'm literally in my had, just pulled into my garage and I get a text from him that says babe, change of plans. I'll. I'll call you later and explain. I text back. I knew you weren't coming. My gut instinct is never wrong. That be Holy Spirit, all up in my business all the time. So my gut was telling me he's not coming, he's not coming. So I texted him. I said I knew you weren't coming. No response, and so I knew. Then he got in his feelings. I wasn't saying I knew you weren't coming in a malicious way, I just knew. And so this was on a Monday. I don't hear from him Monday night. So now, granted, I know he's in Charlotte and he's driving back to Columbia. I don't hear from him Monday night. I don't hear from him Tuesday morning. I don't hear from him all day Tuesday. Tuesday night, I call straight to voicemail. Text no response, facetime straight to you know, no response.

Speaker 1: 29:53

So Wednesday morning I get up and by this time I'm enraged Because now I'm like okay, the only way this is going to be acceptable is if you are in a hospital, bedacitated, and you can't respond to me. But my gut was telling me he is ignoring you because he is in his feelings about what you said, that you knew he wasn't coming. So I text him and I say, hey, the least you could do is let me know that you're okay, because now I'm worried about you. I don't know if you're hurt, I don't know what happened. The last thing I hear is him saying something happened. He explains later.

Speaker 1: 30:36

So I said the least you can do is let me know you're okay. And then I said and this was petty, I admit it. But then I said I give you a second chance. And this is what I get. This is what I get, because at this time I'm pissed. I'm pissed and I'm hurt because you're doing this again. You literally begged me for the last eight years to take you back and then you're doing the same thing again. You really think I'm gonna sit and take it. Let me calm down. So I say you know, the least you can do is let me know that you're okay. You know, just let me know that you're okay. So I don't hear from this man for 48 hours. But the thing that makes him text me back is me saying I knew. No, I give you a second chance. And this is what I get. He responds to me brace yourself, sis, sit back and brace yourself. He responds to me I knew it wouldn't be long before you threw it in my face and puts in quotation marks. I gave you a second chance. And then he says, for the record, I I'm okay. Have a wonderful day, nilko. He didn't say Nilko, that's me, nilko, y'all. I kid you not when I tell you my blood started to boil and my nose started to flare. Whenever I am angry, my nose flares. So I call him Straight to voicemail, so I text him. I said oh, so you're doing this on purpose. So now you're being petty, you're okay, bet.

Speaker 1: 32:20

It was in that moment that I knew this relationship is over, because I'm not doing this, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing this. I called my travel agent and I leave her. She wasn't in the office yet, because this is early in the morning. She wasn't in the office. Yet I leave her a message and I say take him off the reservation. I let my sister know what was going on. My sister was like you don't want to think about it. You want to change that? No, for what? Because, mind you y'all, I was already here. I was already here. It was. I was just like trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But this was the thing that did it. Like I bet remember I'm strategic I was already here and I had already been talking to my therapist about it, like I well, actually I was telling my therapist like I just need to make it to November. I just need to make it to November with him so we can go on this trip. Maybe that'll settle things.

Speaker 1: 33:13

The more I started thinking about, I'm like no, why would I reward you for this behavior? That's dumb. So my travel agent calls me back and she was like I, you don't have to tell me what happened, but are you sure you want to do this? Do? Do you want to wait a day? No, take him off, take him off the reservation. So, took him off the reservation. I'm still going on a trip, by the way. Hello, still going on a trip. What was once his birthday trip is now my reset trip. Okay, changed it around a little bit because I had some excursions scheduled for him, but now, no, it's spa days anyway. My travel agent was like okay, well, you know, I'm going to send you an email, but once you take him off, we can't add him back at the second rate. I said you ain't got to worry about adding him, don't worry about it, take off, baby girl saved me $1,600.

Speaker 1: 34:07

Okay, anyway, I have not heard from him since and there is no apology, there is no explanation as to what happened. I feel like he is in his feelings and that pride is getting in the and I'm not dealing with that anymore. And so I am proud of myself for exiting stage left because, even though I love him, I love myself more. And one thing I said to him, because I fired off some text messages. I let him know, listen. I said to him it appears that you want out of this relationship and don't know how to say it, so I'm just going to make this easier for you. I'm taking you off the reservation for November. I've taken you off the reservation. He's supposed to go on the family cruise with me. I've taken you off the reservation. He was supposed to go on the family cruise with me. I've taken you off the reservation for the family cruise and I'm done.

Speaker 1: 35:16

And that was the last text I sent him and I meant it. I meant it with my whole chest Because I was not. I promised myself I was not going to go play ring around the Rosie with this. We are adults. This man is a grandfather. If you can't communicate with the woman that you proclaim that you love. And one thing I said to him in one of the text messages this is not love, this is abuse, and I deserve to be loved.

Speaker 1: 35:44

Well, and when I tell you, the psychologist coach training came up in me. I was like, oh, I'm dealing with an avoidant personality, I'm dealing with an avoidant personality and I'm dealing with somebody that is in arrested development. Yes, arrested development was a show and yes, arrested development was a band, but it's a psychological disorder for real. Look it up. And when I realized that this is what I was dealing with, I said I'm not going to deal with it because he refuses to get professional help. And anytime you deal with somebody that refuses to get professional help, you're going to have a fight on your hands every single time. And when a healed person, someone that is actively on a healing journey and that has been healed through some really, really hard things, you're not going to put up with foolishness and I am proud of myself for sticking to my guns and saying no more.

Speaker 1: 36:54

It was seven months. We had a good four, maybe five, but when I saw the pattern and I give you an opportunity to course correct and you don't, you're telling me everything that I need to know, everything that I need to know. You are happy and content in the state that you're in and I feel like Chrisette Michelle. Right now she has a song called Blame it On Me, say it's my fault. If that's what's going to make you feel better, blame it on me. But you and I and the Lord above know the truth. And again, I wish him the best. But he is the first and a high probability that he will be the last ex that I will reunite with.

Speaker 1: 37:49

And so now I'm single again. I'm back on the prowl. No, not really. I am dating. I am enjoying myself, but I am also reminding myself that I deserve to be loved well, and so I say this to anyone that is listening, that is in a relationship or seeking a relationship. You deserve to be loved well. Define what being loved well means to you, and I'm not talking about material stuff. Y'all better start looking at these people's characters and integrity, like the first thing. I'm asking people now hey, you love Jesus, you got a relationship with Jesus. You go to therapy? How long you been in therapy? Where was your last physical sir? So I'm just saying, where was your last physical sir? So I'm just saying you know, it's just certain things that I, when I was younger, I wanted, like I wanted them to be six over six feet tall, and it's funny that still I'm attracted to that. But then guys with some height on them are attracted to me. I guess it's because I'm short and they feel like I need to be protected. I don't know, but it's more for me, more now for me, like, what is your character, like what is your integrity? Yes, finances are important, because right now you got to match my level. We got to at least match.

Speaker 1: 39:18

I want to be with someone that I can learn from and also teach and also learn with and grow with. I want to be with someone who loves God and has a relationship with God, because you got to be able to pray for me. You got to be able to catch me in the spirit, and what that means is you know, I don't care if we 100 miles away from each other. No, I don't care if we 100 miles away from each other. You know just by the tone of my voice or you're praying and God shows you something. You know that something is off. You know how I know that that's a possibility Because I have girlfriends that are like that. I have guy friends that are like hey T, you came across my mind. You good, I want that in a mate. I want somebody that's got a passport. We're going to travel. I don't want to have to pull teeth to get you to go on an international trip with me because you hear about travel advisory and now you, scared, the United States got a travel advisory. If you don't get on this plane, come on.

Speaker 1: 40:26

But I feel like love has moments with ease, because I look at love through the bible's lens. Love is patient, loving, love is kind, love never fails, love never boasts. And I need somebody who communicates, be emotionally intelligent. I don't want to have to sit and like we can have kiki and laugh all the time, but when it's time to have serious conversations, I don't want to have to basically hit you over the head and crack your brain open to figure out what's going on with you.

Speaker 1: 41:02

So, anyway, this dating scene is still a little funny, but I'm back out there because I truly believe that the one that God has for me will find me, we will find each other, has for me will find me, we will find each other. And I feel like it will be not as hard as it has been in the past because I'm not looking at my own understanding and devices. Now, one thing I have prayed like God when you bring them, when you bring them, let me be receptive to them, because my friends don't call me the lunch lady for no reason. I'm just saying they don't call me the lunch lady for no reason, but I just wanted to share that. Um, hopefully it encourages someone because, being a woman in your 40s, you know I've never been married and that's not for, not for lack of trying.

Speaker 1: 42:11

You know I've been engaged twice. Yeah, I've been engaged twice and both times I was like uh-uh, because I look at marriage as I am not just making a covenant, a promise to the one that I marry, but I'm standing before God and making a promise to him to spend my life with this person. I want my marriage to be not only a fabulous wedding but a fabulous marriage, and I know that it's possible because I'm around people who have good marriages and I know that they deal with some things you know, but that one thing that they're going to do is they're going to sit down at a table and iron it out. They're going to talk it out, they're going to work it out. So I know that it's possible and I'm just getting to the point where I'm starting to believe that it's possible for me.

Speaker 1: 43:05

But one thing that I am so proud of myself for is being able to articulate what it is that I want and also saying well, god, this is the desire of my heart, this is the the desire of my heart. But if I'm missing something in this desire, show it to me, reveal it to me, help me to seek that, because, first things first, I want to please God. I want him to be pleased with my relationship. So, double x, wherever you are, I hope and I pray that you find what you're looking for and you're able to receive it. I pray the best over you. I pray god's best over you and that you get some help, bro. Get some help, because ain't nothing worse than a broken man or a broken woman? Because that brokenness spills over into every aspect of your life, into every aspect of your life. Ask me how I know. I've been there, done that. So now when I'm evaluating my life, I'm looking at the piece that's broken, because that's the thing. It's like having a glass of water and the bottom of that glass cracks. And now you got a crack and it's not going to hold water at all. You keep pouring and pouring, and pouring, and pouring and pouring, and the more you pour, the more water you lose. I can't lose any more of my oil. So that's season eight, the start of season eight.

Speaker 1: 44:59

Y'all now I'm not saying that I'm out here single and dating because I'm, you know, I want y'all to be like all up in my DMs and stuff. It happens enough as it is. Y'all I get some very interesting DMs, I get approached by some very interesting guys. So, yeah, I'm not asking to be set up or anything like that, because nine times out of ten y'all going to get it wrong, like my friends have tried to set me up with other guys before and I'm like now what made you think that we were going to be compatible? Help me understand. Are you just trying to get me married off? Yeah, that ain't going to work. That ain't going to work. I need you to be a little bit more more specific in the area. But yeah, I'm not asking to be set up. I'm doing okay. I'm doing okay. But I am enjoying dating and I know it's cuffing season.

Speaker 1: 45:51

So you know, some of these guys are out here like, yeah, she, you know she kind of got it together. Let me go on a touch to her. No, no, no, no, sir, because when I tell you the discernment is on point, it's on point. But I will say there's a little tender brony that got the dude that was old. But yeah, there's a little tender brony that I've been looking at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's nice. So I'm just, I'm just saying just saying, keep it classy, keep it holy. But yeah, y'all, if you are over in your 40s, shoot, even in your 30s child, it's crazy.

Speaker 1: 46:32

But if you are out here dating, be sure that you have done the work within yourself before you try to connect with somebody else. Be clear on what it is that you want in a mate and be clear on what it is, on how you are as a mate. It goes both ways. You do the work on you and make sure that you can see the work that has been done in somebody else. We're at a point where you know all of us have had something happen in our lives. It's not what has happened to you, it's how you react to what has happened to you. Trauma is real. Trauma is real and it can stop you dead in your tracks and when you try to get with somebody who's not going to do the work within themselves, you are asking for trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble. Don't do that to yourself. Protect your neck. Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble. Don't do this to yourself. Protect your neck.

Speaker 1: 47:32

Well, y'all. That is it for this episode of the charging station. So I hope that you enjoyed this episode. I hope that something was said that will bless you, that will help you in your dating life. You know what? I think I'm going to find somebody who is a dating expert. Ooh, I just thought of somebody. I'm going to email her today. I think I'm going to bring her on to be a guest on the podcast. I hope she says yes, but until next time. Y'all remember, god loves you, I love you. It ain't nothing you can do about it. Boo Bye.