17. Unveiling the Meaning Behind Memorial, Gravestone, Headstone, and Footstone

 A memorial is a final piece of a jigsaw and can help people on their bereavement journey. It is the last thing we can do for our loved ones, but what is the process? This episode explains everything you need to know about ordering, designing and installing a memorial for your loved one; as well as exploring the terminology often used. 

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Transcript

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Hi. I'm Andy Eeley, a Senior Funeral Director with G Seller Independent Funeral Directors. And we've been serving bereaved families since 1910. Now, I'm sure you're all well aware there's lots and lots of different misconceptions, myths and taboos about what happens behind the scenes within the funeral profession. So we decided to put together this series of podcasts to try and answer any questions and hopefully dispel any of those myths. So please do like, share and subscribe, send any questions, send them to liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk and we will do our absolute best to answer them for you. It genuinely is Our Family Caring For Your Family. Now, today we're going to be talking about memorials. And I'm joined by Amy, my colleague Amy. How are you, Amy? Good. Now, we've met before, Amy, and we know from the previous episode that you wear lots and lots of different hats within G Seller. Sure do. Let's forget all the others, let's purge them and let's talk about memorials. Okay, memorial hat on. So, how on earth did you become a stone mason? I know it's part of your journey, but let's focus on just the stone mason. I definitely think when I was back at school, I wouldn't be stood on the back of a truck, mixing up cement, putting dowels in headstones, working with burly men, fixing headstones. So it's quite funny when I talk to some families they say, you actually fix a headstone? I say, yeah, you think that I'm just the person that potentially is just in the office. And I can absolutely vouch for that. I've seen you in your scrubs. I've got my combats, my steel capped toe boots and fleece and off I go with the lads. So where do I start? So, back when myself and my husband Joseph got together, 17 years old, so he worked in the business prior to myself and my days off, I used to go into the business so I learnt the masonry trade through my days off from my normal job, which is was event managing. So I had my pink steel capped toe boots, my jeans, my fleece, and I'd go to work with him. And from there, I learnt all the skills to be a stone mason. So, drilling, sawing, polishing, fixing headstones, sandblasting engraving, loading up the trucks. People think that I don't lift the headstones, but I do. I'm literally one of the team. So from there, I've just been on a full journey right from the early stages all the way through to now managing the department in it's entirety, acquiring skills along the way, safety inspecting skills, looking after war memorials and a whole wide range of things, doing pet memorials, cheeseboards and it's not just headstones that we manufacture, so it's been quite a journey, memorial wise. There's so much to it, you just touched things there just again, I always quite often say, tip of the iceberg. So many different elements to a memorial. Something quite unique at G Seller, I have to say. We've got a memorial showroom, haven't we? Haven't we, from a funeral directors perspective, taking a family down there and just showing without any prior knowledge or proper memorial experience from my perspective, it's quite an eye opener. Yeah. How do you find that is something.... So with memorials, we have a dedicated team. So that's a dedicated team in the workshop and in the office, we've got a unique showroom as you've said, it's fully glassed. People can come, see, touch, feel, understand the memorials, rather than saying three graves down from where Mum is, I think I quite like that shape, but I'm not too sure what it is. I think I prefer a different colour, but I don't know. So our showroom is really unique in the fact that myself and my husband design and create the memorials that go into our showroom. So we say that no two loved ones are the same, so why should two memorials be the same? I completely agree. We try and add slightly different design work, different lettering styles, different chamfer details, to make them a little bit more unique. When I'm with a family, I say to them, stay as open minded as you can. If you like the shape of one, the colour of another, the design from something else, you have a favourite hobby. Let's bring all of that to life. A memorial is a final piece of a jigsaw. It helps people on the bereavement journey and the journey of grief. And it's the last thing that we're probably going to do for that person. Excuse the pun, but it's like set in stone. So what we're doing, it has to be right from the wording to the colour, that memorial has to encapsulate that person's life, which is really a really hard thing to do. But that's why we have the dedicated team. We're privileged to have the onsite workshop as well, so families can come in and be on that journey with us. They want to come and see the stone, prior to engraving, see the stone before we paint the letters, because they weren't sure whether they wanted gold or silver. We can keep that personal element throughout the whole thing. We do it with the funeral so to us a memorial is just as important. It's just an extension of the funeral, isn't it? The sort of final part of the journey. I think it's quite important to say that we talked about lots of different things that we can have photographs on headstones as well, can't we? Can have them sort of inscribed on there or I've seen them in little frames and it's brilliant. There's just no end of different options that we can have. What's the process, though? How do we go about doing this? So we've got two distinct elements, the administration side of things. So I imagine there's lots of paperwork involved and then the actual production of the process itself. So I'll tell you what, let's talk about the administration side of things first. Yes, so a family will probably be in contact with ourselves, and from there we go down to the showroom and we talk through the process. We'll explain to a family what is and isn't allowed within the burial ground of where their loved ones laid to rest. So would there be different rules and regs? And would that vary between different cemeteries? So there's cemeteries and churchyards. Churchyards are done by diocese and cemeteries are done by the parish council. So every burial ground has slightly different rules and regulations, which is why, with our brochures, we don't necessarily put the sizes in, because somebody might like that memorial, but be off put by the size and think that it can't be created smaller. So, yeah, there's different rules and regulations. With the shapes as well. The different shapes. I know we've got lots and lots of different little shapes, but I have seen that in certain cemeteries they're all the same shape, so that must be there. Yeah. So the main restrictions in a cemetery is more dimensions and wording. Obviously we can't have swear words or anything offensive on there, but there's more flexibility within a cemetery than there is within a churchyard. The rules are slightly more flexible. Our team will have done the leg work beforehand, so we know what is allowed within that burial ground, so we can advise accordingly on shapes, colours and things that they can and can't have from there. We can then put a quotation together and we do all of the administration. So we liaise with the burial ground on your behalf, so we don't expect you as a family to ask us for something, we provide you with a quote, you've then got to ask the parish if you're allowed, because with all due respect, the terminology around a memorial can be quite complex. An all polished black granite OG. What does that mean? What does that mean if you're not looking after a headstone every day? So we look after, we liaise with the council, we seek approval. A memorial cannot be fixed within a burial ground until approval is granted. So we administer that process, we order the memorial with a merchant, and memorials come from overseas. So the memorials come from Scandinavia, India, China, South Africa, the UK, Wales. For like, the Welsh slate and Cornish granite. So there's quite a long process. Memorials are taking anywhere between 12 and 20 weeks to be in our care. COVID has had a massive impact with shipping and imports. So we always say to a family, as soon as you feel ready to start that process, just be aware of the time frame that can come with it. It's not quite as quick as a funeral service taking place. Yes. So we look after the family and we manage their expectations throughout the whole journey. When the memorial is in our care when we're ready to fix the memorial. But then there's an element there which goes from the office team over to the workshop team. So once the memorial is in our care and we're happy with the quality, the size, the dimensions, the memorial is exactly as specification that the family have asked for. At that point, we can then provide the family with a template. So to get to see the memorial and visualise the memorial with the lettering on before any engraving takes place. Okay, so that's a drawing of... Correct. So you can see design work, lettering, gives you a chance to make sure you're happy with the font, spelling, layout. We won't do anything until that template is signed. So we can go backwards and forwards until it visually is as you want. Perfect. From there we'll then carry out the engraving process, gilding, painting the letters, painting the design work, and we'll then make sure the flower containers are drilled or the drill holes in the headstone and base to make sure we can essentially build the memorial, make sure that it's installed correctly. All the drill holes are the correct depth. We can get the dowels in, we can fix in a safe and secure way. And then from there, our masonry team will then install the memorial into the burial ground. So safety, I would imagine, is quite a priority. So you've mentioned dowels there and drilling into the ground. Yeah. So I take it that this is something that's an absolute must we don't want these falling over, do we? No, absolutely not. So we are members of NAM. So NAM stands for National Association of Memorial Masons. And we adhere to their code of working practise. So we fix to the British Standard 8415 and by that we fix with memorials on reinforced concrete foundations or granite foundations. We have ground anchors for any memorial that's in over two foot in height. We have stainless steel dowels that will connect the headstone to the base. So essentially at every point or every joint of the memorial, there is safety elements there. So if a cement joint was to go, a memorial can't physically topple over unless one of our qualified masons are there to dismantle the memorial be bring it off the grave. So, yeah, there's more to a memorial than just thinking. It goes from workshop, we lift and we place and we place that and it's quite a time consuming. It's quite difficult to lift them. Yeah, quite heavy. Quite heavy, you certainly don't want one of those toppling on you. Historically the anchor systems and dowels and so on, that wouldn't have been a thing, would it? Yeah, rules came in in the year 2000, 2001, and prior to that, stone masons could more or less do whatever they wanted. It's quite interesting when we go into burial grounds now and we look back and we we carry out masonry works on an older memorial. The fixing methods that that go on and have been going on is really fascinating and eye opening to us because we have quite clear guidelines as to how we have to fix and why we have to fix like that. So, like I say, it's fascinating if we think back to 2000 what you find within the memorial. So it's interesting to know what you said about sometimes we have to take the headstones away, don't we, to add extra inscriptions which kind of match your template that you're talking about. You put the same...So it fits into the same style. But sometimes what about the fonts? I often wonder about the fonts. I mean, how do we do an inscription? Have we got like an infinite supply of different fonts? Does a machine do it? Is it sandblasted? Does a person do it? How do we do it? A bit of both of what you just said? Sandblasting is a method that we use to engrave a memorial. So if you think about thousands of ball bearings hitting the memorial and it creates the engraving process. So we are cutting through a stencil, so the font is quite uniformed in its style and appearance. We have thousands of fonts, so we can more often than not match up to an existing font because we measure all the font size, the spacing, to make sure that that second inscription looks like it was always meant to be there. And that memorial in its entirety is complete. And it looks as one. It doesn't look like an add on. We also have a hand cutter Dave bless him I'll mention him, he's been with us since he left school. I don't think he'd mind us mentioning that. And he's an older gentleman, slightly older gentleman, but it's the traditional carving method. So if you just imagine him with a hammer and chisel and he will sit there and carve each individual letter. So sometimes we have to use him if we can't font match, but we also use him again to match up because a lot of headstones have traditional hand cut letters. I've seen some of his work come in, his matching of a traditional considering he's just chiselling away it's phenomenal. It is, yes. Definitely a special art in doing it. About once the stone is fixed, do we do anything about looking after the stone thereafter? Yeah. So we clean down the memorial and my team will also go back later on that week just to make sure that memorial has set and it is safe and secure. Sometimes the weather control can affect that process. We don't tend to fix if it's below five degrees anyway, because, like I say, the weather can affect it. But my team will go back and just double check the memorial, clean the memorial off as well for a second time. And then we send out care guides to families so they know exactly how to look after the memorial and what to and what not to use, not using anything abrasive on there, anything that can scratch, because once the granite is scratched, even though it's a molten rock, and it will stand the test of time. And it's weather resistant in the main, it's still exposed to all elements. Anything abrasive on there will have an impact to its appearance absolutely. And can affect that. So we send out care guides and then additionally, some families like us to look after their memorials thereafter. So we go, monthly, yearly, whatever works for a family. So I've got a question. This is always a big question when I'm looking after a family. We lay someone to rest, a full burial. How long before we can fix that stone? Yeah. So we advise nothing prior, kind of six to nine months. The more ground can settle naturally, the less chance that the memorial will subside and move. Yeah. We can fit slightly prematurely if a family feel like they need that for, again, the grieving process to happen, they need something and we will be there and we can go back out in a few months, years. If there's any movement to the memorial, we'll go back out and realign the memorial. But we do advise nothing prior to six to nine months. Anything after a year is better. But again, it's down to the family and what the burial ground will allow. Some of them won't allow us to go back in until a year has elapsed. So, Amy, just before we finish, we've touched on extra inscriptions. So I've got a couple of questions, more questions, I should say. The first one, do we only exclusively look after families that we've looked after the funeral service for? Can anyone have a stone? A headstone? Yeah. As a business, we're more than happy to look after anybody that should need or require those services. A headstone doesn't always have to be something that goes within a burial ground. We also have a range of garden memorials. So some people prefer their loved one being at home rather than having to go visit in a cemetery. So cremated remains can sit within a memorial, a garden bench, a bird bath, a vase. So there's a whole range of things. We haven't even touched on what a headstone actually is, what the differences are, which we probably ought to. Yeah. What is a headstone? So traditionally, a headstone is a memorial that's made from two pieces or sometimes one piece that you may see in the churchyard. More commonly, it's a memorial that stands at the head or foot end of a grave, depending on which way around a loved one is laid to rest within the burial ground and the memorial sits upright. But having said that, as times have moved on, some people have slightly smaller memorials that sit flush to the ground, some more that sit flush with a slight slope. There's a whole range. And if anyone was to ever wander around a cemetery or churchyard and you actually start looking at your surroundings there you can see the whole wide range of memorials that sit within a burial ground. So the term headstone isn't now just traditionally a two piece memorial or a monolith. Kerbsets, vases. Lots and lots of different things, but we obviously cater for everything. It's quite interesting, you said, about people walking around the cemetery there. Obviously, over time we have touched on sort of a tending service that we offer sometimes weather takes its toll, doesn't it? Can we restore headstones or stones memorials, I should say. Simple answer. Yes. Which is where we also come into looking after war memorials, which is something that, our stonemasons do, so everything from a war memorial all the way down to the smaller, flat tablet memorial that we say that sit flush to the ground. We will advise on whether we can restore it and bring it back to life and back to looking new and fresh. We put the new lettering paint work in there, we clean it. We may need to use polishing pads, cleaning solutions and a whole range of things we may need to use to do that and create that. But if we feel like it'd be better for your money to be invested into a new memorial because the cost to keep maintaining and looking after the existing, we would advise either way to enjoy it. Amy you're quite passionate about it. Yeah, no, I do, I find it, I'm quite an artistic person so the detailing of the lettering, the fonts, the design work, the painting, and like I say, it's the final piece of the jigsaw. It's the last thing we can do for our families and if it's not right, then we've not done it. A memorial won't go out if it's not as the family need it and if it's not of the highest quality. So, yeah, I'm passionate, yeah, it has to be spot on. Absolutely spot on. I totally agree with you. I'm all about making it as personal as possible. Amy, thank you. Thank you for your time. I'll no doubt see you again with a different hat. Yeah, what are we going to wear next. But thank you. So, yeah, please, any questions, like, share, subscribe, send those questions in, liftingthelid@gseller.co.uk and we'll see you next time.