City of Dana Series: The Foxes (Part 1)

"A Comedy of Moralities"

The mysterious Council of Pathetiques is suing Sarai Gehrood for every last pig on her late father's farm, forcing her to make a difficult decision: forfeit the riches her father left her, or betray her personal code of ethics and seek the wisdom of The Fox Den's Tuckerson, a philosopher of dubious reputation, who trains the youth of Dana Point to "summon proofs from the aether" and defend their wealth in Dana Point's socially progressive courts.  

CREATED BY: 
JORDAN PAUL SULLIVAN

CAST: 
GRANT CLEAVELAND as Tuckerson, Grumfeld, and Louis CK
RACHANEE LUMAYNO as Sarai Gehrood
AMY FESS as Thara Gehrood, Zahraa Gehrood, and The White Woman
RAY HURD as The Narrator and The Enslaved 

MUSIC:
Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, performed by the UC Davis Symphony Orchestra (2007)
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (Credits), Piano Cover by Laurence Manning (2021)

Transcript

PART I

EPISODE I.

An open field. Two butterflies on a tree branch, an ELDERLY WOMAN observing them. Enter SARAI GEHROOD, a young woman of Arab descent, who approaches her.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Aren’t they gorgeous? Such density of beauty. I don’t think there’s anything as sublime in our museums of contemporary art as the colors on these two butterflies.

SARAI

Two? I only see one.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Which one do you see?

SARAI

The one that is sapphire blue and white, with bullseyes of white rings around darkened blue and white.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Well, there’s also a yellow one, the color of ripe saffron, without a pattern or blemish on it, just a little bright spot near the body. It blends in with the fall leaves.

SARAI leans in closer

SARAI

I see it. 

The butterflies fly up into the air, and SARAI and the ELDERLY WOMAN jump back.

ELDERLY WOMAN

You shouldn’t have stuck your nose in so close. Now you’ve spooked them both, and they’re flapping about in the air. 

SARAI (casual)

I’ll bet you the blue one lands before the yellow.

ELDERLY WOMAN (aside)

I’ve been watching these bugs for an hour now. I’ve seen how much more comfortable the yellow one seems in the air. (then to SARAI, calmly) Fine. I’ll take you up on that. How much?

SARAI

How alive do you wish to feel watching these critters flap about?

ELDERLY WOMAN

At my age, the more alive the better. 

SARAI (casual)

Five hundred dollars.

ELDERLY WOMAN (in shock)

Five hundred dollars! (aside) At this stage in my retirement, five hundred is my budget for a whole week. Oh, but I’m so sure of what the outcome will be. (then to SARAI) You’re on! 

The blue butterfly starts to descend

ELDERLY WOMAN

Stay up you, stay up! 

SARAI

No yelling, lady. You and I aren’t allowed to interfere now.

The blue butterfly approaches a branch

ELDERLY WOMAN

Oh, shit. Come on, come on. Oh, don’t you dare.

The blue butterfly lifts up

Oh, few!  

The blue butterfly approaches and quickly touches down upon a branch

Shit!

The yellow one lands shortly thereafter

SARAI

The blue butterfly has landed. And now the yellow one has landed beside it. 

ELDERLY WOMAN (distressed)

You’ve won. Can I write you a check?

SARAI 

You can keep your money. Money means nothing to me.

ELDERLY WOMAN (scoffing)

I can tell you’re a rich person.

SARAI

Not anymore.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Well, going around making outrageous bets, and then refusing to even collect when you’ve won… I can imagine why!

SARAI

It’s not that. Not entirely. My father is dead. My sisters and I paid the standard tax on the estate: 10%, but now we’re being told we owe 90% of what remains. Have you ever heard of the Council of Pathetiques? 

ELDERLY WOMAN (with spite)

Have I heard! The Council of Krill, is more like it.

SARAI

That’s what my sisters call them. It’s not a nice thing to say. Those people have gotten the rough end of the stick in life.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Every one of those dikes and kikes and ass-pushers and pushees deserves the lot they’ve drawn and ten-fold more, if you ask me. 

The two butterflies fly up into the air

ELDERLY WOMAN

You’ve gotten too close again, and startled the insects. (She thinks for a moment, then excitedly) You wanna place another bet?

SARAI

The horse races start in twenty minutes. I don’t want to miss the opening race. Take care, old hag.

Exit SARAI

EPISODE II.

An open field, where ten cardboard cutouts of domesticated pigs are arranged at random. ZAHRAA and THARA look out over the field, contemplating the pending misfortunes of their family’s farm.

ZAHRAA (like a child having a tantrum)

If that’s not idiotic, then there really isn’t such a thing as injustice anymore.

THARA (annoyed)

Oh, don’t get yourself into a stir. I won’t be able to tolerate it right now.

ZAHRAA (she persists)

It truly is ridiculous, Thara. We’d need to sell every last pig on this farm just to keep the land we’d need to raise them. This is our father’s land! I remember when just over there, Father would burry me up to my neck in mud, and we’d pretend I was a severed head brought back to life by the ground’s magic.

THARA

You were such a beautiful head. But let’s not get sentimental. Father is dead. He’s not here any longer, not in this world, not in any other world.

ZAHRAA

Don’t say such things!

THARA

This is about the three of us who are still here. You might find this egotistic, but I happen to know the value of a woman’s reputation in this city, its advantages, and more importantly, how it may hinder her. I’ve pulled out my fair share of coupons at the grocer; I won’t have everyone staring at me, hoping to see me do that again. I refuse to be such a pitiable creature, not again, or at least not until I’m old and shriveled, and I’m in need of a handsome grandson or two to dote upon me: to put my socks on, and clip my nails, and put my vitamins into those plastic containers marked Sunday through Saturday.

ZAHRAA

You may not have the luxury of so much time.

THARA

You may be right.

ZAHRAA

Tell me I’m not. 

THARA

If the Council wasn’t a large enough thorn in our side, now we have Sarai’s gambling debts to add to our worries.

ZAHRAA

Sarai’s creditors are for Sarai to deal with.

THARA

Sarai’s debts are now our debts, since her estate, for the time being, is our estate. 

ZAHRAA

Nothing makes sense anymore.

THARA

You know, I had a creditor visit me this morning, and the man informed me, in the most gentle-hearted manner, that last Sunday our sister placed a bet on a horse to win that was 2,000-to-1. The horse didn’t even finish the race, apparently. I don’t want to tell you what she bet, but I’ll tell you this, it could have saved us a pig or two.

ZAHRAA

Saved us a pig or two?

THARA

Did I not tell you? 

ZAHRAA

What does that mean?

THARA

Sarai’s creditor had some advice to offer. He suggested we could sell a pig or two and use that money to pay off the Council of Pathetiques. He’s under the impression that anybody can be bribed.

ZAHRAA

These are our father’s pigs! (she thinks for a moment) Oh, but I suppose if we have to sell one or two to keep the rest, it would be a worthy compromise.

THARA

These pigs mean nothing to me aside from the sum I’d get for each of their heads… 

ZAHRAA (offended)

Thara!

THARA (continues)

But I refuse to sell even one in the name of this council.

ZAHRAA

We need to be realistic here, Thara. You may need to humble yourself for once in godsknowshowlong, and be willing to compromise. Otherwise, we might not come out of this so unscathed.

THARA

I’ve never once compromised for my status: not with someone higher up, and not, especially not, with some lot who are clearly lower. This is why the wealthy and established in this city invest so much of our fortunes into Tuckerson and his Fox Den, so that we need not compromise. I give my word, sister, on that beautiful head of yours, we won’t be selling a single one of these pigs. Tuckerson will tell us the way, and if there isn’t one, he’ll think of one.

Exit ZAHRAA and THARA

EPISODE III.

Same as before.

The theme from The Legend of Zelda (1988, NES 16-bit version) begins to play aloud. As the theme changes tempo, at the beginning of the 5th bar, an arrow suddenly flies out, and strikes one of the pigs dead. In quick succession, another arrow flies out and strikes a second pig dead. Enter a man dressed as LINK, the protagonist from the Legend of Zelda video game series (hitherto referred to simply as LINK); he’s armed with a sword, and wears a bow upon his back, along with a quiver of arrows. LINK slays every remaining pig but one with his sword in an acrobatic display of swordsmanship, and then, approaching the final pig, he delivers an impassioned monologue:

LINK (with a religious zeal)

Ganon, King of Evil, if your present form has ears, hear me well. Starting with these incarnations of your spirit, I will progress until I rid this world of all your presence. What you would sacrifice for power, I would for the world, to return it to its original design, as the three goddesses, of courage, of wisdom, of power, formed it in procreant trifectum. You’ve made this world a little bit messy, a little bit distracted, a piece of the righteous: somewhat hostile, slightly uncertain; I will make it complete. As certain as the moon is to fade at daybreak, so too shall your darkness vanish from this world, by the hero’s sword. There will be light again, Ganon, thou blue-faced boar, and the dark shall be vanquished till time’s end, till time reverts from three and becomes one again, when evil shall fail to become part of time’s completion.

LINK swiftly beheads the final pig, and then with composure he sheathes his sword and exits.

EPISODE IV.

The Fox Den. TUCKERSON's face is magnified behind a fish bowl.  SHATTINY and GRUMFELD listen attentively.

TUCKERSON

When water is placed in a vessel, the water conforms to the shape of that vessel. Would you agree?

SHATTINY

Obviously, this is the truth. This is the nature of water. It’s well known.

TUCKERSON

Grumfeld, do you agree, or disagree?

GRUMFELD

I would be a fool to disagree with such an assertion, Tuckerson.

TUCKERSON 

(standing up straight, no longer obscured by the fish bowl)

So when I poured the water into this fish bowl, which is spherical in shape, were you surprised that it took the form of a sphere?

SHATTINY

Quite the reverse.

GRUMFELD

Nothing very unusual about water inside a fishbowl taking the exact same shape as the glass which contains it.

TUCKERSON

Well, then, what outcome would have surprised you, such that you would have leaped off the ground and declared, (he becomes cartoonishly enthusiastic) “That which you’ve poured into the bowl cannot be water!”

GRUMFELD

Perhaps, if you’d have poured the water into the fishbowl, which is a sphere, and the water took the form of a cube, (attempts to be funny) then I’d have accused the fish of witchcraft! 

TUCKERSON 

This isn’t a joke, Grumfeld. I’m onto something significant here.

GRUMFELD

You are? What is it, Tuckerson? 

TUCKERSON

This is consequential. I asked you a question. 

GRUMFELD

(becoming dead serious)

My god. Then, I’ll say it sincerely. If you’d have poured the water into the fishbowl, which is a sphere, and the water took the form of a cube, I would have asserted, in earnest, with my feet and arms both flailing about in the air, that exact statement, (with energy) “That which you’ve poured into the bowl cannot be water!”

TUCKERSON

And do you agree with this, Shattiny?

SHATTINY

Certainly I do. If water rejected the form of its surrounding vessel, I would indeed say that what you poured couldn’t be water!

TUCKERSON

Really? Even if it were a simple shape, such as a cube?

GRUMFELD

Only a fool would believe that water could behave in such a manner!

TUCKERSON

Not even if it took on the shape of a giraffe, or a crab?

SHATTINY

Now you’re just being ludicrous, Tuckerson. 

GRUMFELD

And you were just telling me to take this proof seriously!

TUCKERSON 

This is no joke.

SHATTINY

This is a serious matter, then, on the tendency of water to take the form of a crab.

TUCKERSON

So tell me, in all sincerity, would you say a man was a COMPLETE IDIOT if he bought into the idea that water could take on the form of a crab, even if it weren’t inside a vessel, let’s say a fishbowl, that itself was expertly blown by the glassmaker to take on the shape of a crab?

GRUMFELD

This is no joke, Tuckerson, so I’ll say this with my mouth straight. You’d have to be an absolute fool to get tripped up on such a yarn, without a doubt.

TUCKERSON

Don’t you see what I’ve proven, my fellow foxes?

SHATTINY

I have no idea what you’re circling about with this proof, if I must be honest, let alone what your target might be.

TUCKERSON

We’re all idiots!

SHATTINY

I mean, just because I’m not following every nuanced twist and turn of your argument doesn’t make me an idiot, Tuckerson.

TUCKERSON

I don’t mean you, I mean all of us. Every last one of us are fools, and I’ve just proved it, without a doubt, to use your exact words, Grumfeld.

GRUMFELD

Explain it to us!

TUCKERSON

I just did. We’re all fools! 

GRUMFELD

All of us, except for you, Tuckerson, since you’ve revealed the truth.

TUCKERSON

This isn’t a competition, my den-mates. We were told by our parents and our teachers, in whom we placed our undivided trust when we were in grade school, that as it pertains to the clouds, these structures are composed of water. All of us, as children, nodded our heads and said, Well, okay sure, this is how it is, this is truth; and, Well, okay, sure; this is justice. 

GRUMFELD

What does justice have to do with it?

TUCKERSON

Never mind that… Did you not affirm, Grumfeld, just minutes ago, that one would have to be an absolute idiot to believe that water could take the form of a crab?

GRUMFELD

Indeed, this IS what I affirmed, and I will stand by my original assertion. 

TUCKERSON

I stand by it as well, yet I’ve seen many clouds take such a form.

SHANNITY

My god, Tuckerson, you’re right. By that reasoning, the clouds really couldn’t be made of water, and as you asserted, one would be a fool to believe that water could take on the form of a crab unless it was held by a container, such as a fishbowl, that was itself expertly blown by a blower to take on the form of a crab. 

TUCKERSON

Here’s an even better question for you both… Why am I the only one talking about this?

SHATTINY

Nobody else dares ask these sorts of questions, Tuckerson. We all know this to be the case. Thank the heavens that the Fox Den is here to summon ideas from the aether that no others would summon. Who’s this coming now?

TUCKERSON

That’s Thara, the daughter of the late pig farmer, Hamza Gehrood, who was a very well-to-do man. I know her well. 

GRUMFELD

She’s not a… you-know… is she?

SHATTINY 

(lacking impulse control)

A muslim!

TUCKERSON

A muslim? No! I convinced Hamza Gehrood many years back that it would behoove him to renounce his godhead and replace it with the same one, but called by a different name. You two, be gone. Back to your holes. This is a business opportunity, as should be obvious to you.

TUCKERSON herds SHATTINY and GRUMFELD away, and ALL three men exit.

EPISODE V.

 Same as before.

 Enter THARA, followed by SARAI and ZAHRAA

SARAI

I could be staring into the eighteen eyes of god right now.

THARA

You need to stop chasing the eyes of god in the three dice.

SARAI

Stop chasing god? That’s a despicable thing to tell a person. Would you have told father to keep away from the church?

THARA

The dice table is not a church.

SARAI

It is for me. Life is the product of two entities: the decisions we make, and something that is beyond our control and knowledge, which fluctuates by chance. If there is any greater meaning to this life or what comes after it, this isn’t a decision I can make, so therefore, the meaning of my life, your life, everything around us, it comes down to a game of odds.

THARA

Either which way, it’s time you found a cheaper religion. Either that, or start taking account for all the losses your god is incurring. As if the slaying of the pigs wasn’t a great enough loss, the Council is still insisting that the market price of every one of those pigs be included in the valuation of our estate.

ZAHRAA

That hideous council.

SARAI

What did you say, Thara? What has happened to Father’s pigs?

ZAHRAA

Someone went to town on them with a sword. 

THARA

Of all two hundred, not one of the pigs was left standing. 

ZAHRAA

Though twelve were still alive. 

SARAI

Did we submit a complaint to the Council?

THARA

The Council said the Gehrood family has too much status to have our complaints heard. 

SARAI

That doesn’t seem right. And what of the pigs? What about their status? Did they also have too much of it when their lives were stolen?

THARA

That’s beside the point. The vultures swarm not for the pigs, they swarm for you, in spite of how pleasant your creditors seem to be, Sarai; these are people who behave like they’ve been taken good care of in the past. But, as they say, once a hyena, always a hyena.

SARAI

Unless they’re vultures.

THARA

The point is, Sarai, that Father is not here anymore, and I don’t plan to be the one entrusted to tying up all your loose ends. From hereon, you’ll be taking responsibility for your own mismanagements. If I have to come here today to consult Tuckerson, then you can bet you’ll be coming along with me.

SARAI

Fine, I’ll hear this Tuckerson guy out. Is that him, over there, the one who looks like he’s balancing a beaver pelt upon his head?

Enter TUCKERSON, and the three sisters begin walking towards him

THARA

(to SARAI) 

Be polite. 

(to ZAHRAA) 

Zahraa, shoulders back.

ZAHRAA straightens herself out

THARA

Tuckerson may be on our dime, but his mind works in a way that’s much more fluid when he’s sympathetic to a cause. You can put your shoulders further back than that, I’ll pray.

ZAHRAA sticks out her chest further, nearly bending herself backwards. 

ZAHRAA (uncomfortable)

You know, I understand the politics as well as you do.

THARA

Keep that to yourself, if you know what’s best for this family.

EPISODE VI.

Same as before. They arrive at where TUCKERSON is standing, near the fishbowl.

THARA

It’s good to see you, Tuckerson.

TUCKERSON

Can you really be sure of what you’re seeing? How do I really know that seeing me makes you feel good, Thara Gehrood?

SARAI

This man is already getting on my nerves. Is this the one who’s supposed to save us from the Council?

THARA

My father didn’t invest $50,000 a month for you to summon thoughts such as these from the aether. My sisters and I have come to this think tank because we need you to pull forth an idea that will work for us.

TUCKERSON (clarifying)

Though I may appear to be a salaried employee, in truth, I don’t work for any one person, nor do the ideas I conjure. I’m a mere philosopher, a voice for an entire generation of men. 

THARA (aside)

Now entrenched in their middle age.

SARAI

Our father spoke very highly of you, Tuckerson. He said in all the world, there wasn’t a more intelligent man. As you know, my father passed away last month, and when he passed, we payed the standard tax on his estate: 10%, which as you could probably surmise… 

THARA (interrupting)

The initiative is noted, Sarai, but Tuckerson has already been apprised of our situation. We’re here for strategy, not recapitulation.

SARAI

Does your free-wheeling philosopher friend know that the Council of Pathetiques is demanding 90% of the estate’s original value?

ZAHRAA

I thought it was the remaining value…

THARA

95 now.

SARAI

95 percent! That would leave us with so little. At that rate, we’d certainly have to apply for work.

ZAHRAA

Ew.

THARA

It’ll be 99 before the council is done playing this game of theirs, as it’s a game that never tires or relents.

TUCKERSON

That’s how it is with the Council, once you agree upon 50, they’ll ask for 75, and once you agree upon that, they’ll ask for more.

SARAI

And how do you force them to settle on a number? 

TUCKERSON

There is only one way.

SARAI

What’s that?

TUCKERSON

When everything you have is theirs, they’ll stop changing their numbers.

THARA

Tell me you’ve conceived an idea that would be helpful to my situation… (correcting herself) that of my family.

TUCKERSON

Not only have I conceived an idea, but I’ve borne it to fruition. 

THARA (relieved)

Then I should be thankful to the Fox Den.

TUCKERSON

Not the Fox Den. This idea is one I managed to give birth to all by my own devices, without any assistance from the other Foxes to push things along.

THARA

Tell me more.

SARAI

Thara, stop encouraging him. I really might vomit if I have to confront any more mental images of this man’s birthing canal. 

(to TUCKERSON)

But do tell us, with imagery as scant as the import of this matter is great, just how we might go about protecting what belongs to my father’s estate.

TUCKERSON (to SARAI)

You tell me. What does the Council profess to believe in, as a matter of their founding principle? 

THARA

Oh, Sarai can tell you all about the Council. She finds their methods noble. 

SARAI

I never said noble. I understand why they do what they do. They’re the seven people, after all, who have been most traumatized by society, or by the citizens who compose it.

TUCKERSON

But what does the Council signify? What do they stand for?

ZAHRAA

That every woman, once in her 20’s, should by then be so impoverished that she’d never again be able to convince another person that she was still in her teens.

SARAI

The idea behind the Council is simple: that those who don’t have a voice should be given one, and that the most effective way of ensuring that such voices are heard is to empower a court that has the authority to advocate for the interests of the most pathetic members of society.

TUCKERSON

This is the argument of the Council, perhaps, on the surface.

SARAI

On the surface?

TUCKERSON

They’d like you to believe they stand upon some essential, vaporous thing, but really what they stand upon is much more solid: an intention.

ZAHRAA

Speak straight, Tuckerson.

SARAI

I’m listening.

TUCKERSON 

If every school of thought is a weaving and warping of arguments, and, being that this is the case, and that every argument is composed of statements, wherein any time you assert something to be the case, in the form of a statement, there resides an underlying premise that serves as the foundation to that statement… then… what is the premise of this council?

ZAHRAA (confused)

I’m lost in the fabric, like a fly in the proverbial philosopher’s web.

SARAI (somehow following along)

Wait a minute. So if every school of thought is an assertion that is dependent upon some premise, then what is your premise?

TUCKERSON (assertive)

The truth!

THARA

Would you please simplify whatever it is you’re getting at, for those of us who don’t have the patience to follow the long and winding algebra of your reasoning? I don’t care to understand your method, as long as I see results. Cut to the take-home message.

TUCKERSON

I’m almost there. I’m working on it.

THARA

I thought you’d already given birth to it.

TUCKERSON

And now I’m nurturing the idea. So tell me, Sarai Gehrood: when I assert, You shouldn’t steal, what’s the premise of this assertion, which is what’s actually being asserted?

SARAI 

That you yourself are not the thief.

TUCKERSON

Ah, she’s got a sense of humor. No, the premise, is that stealing is bad. And I’m telling you: there’s an assertion and an underlying premise as well, that gets at the heart of the Council of Pathetiques…

ZAHRAA 

Pathetiques… Why the French?

TUCKERSON

It’s the most snobbish of the peasant languages. They felt the French would make them come across more authoritative, but at the same time, more terrifying and more trod upon, like the peasants in the revolution.

THARA

It does have that effect.

TUCKERSON

All seven members of The Council of Pathetiques: the man who has been raped, quantitatively, the most via the rectum…

ZAHRAA

Less specifics, please.

TUCKERSON

The man with the greatest number of enslaved ancestors.

SARAI

Pains me to hear it.

TUCKERSON

The white woman, since there always has to be one of them.

SARAI

They really do make their way into every movement.

TUCKERSON

No matter which of the seven we might wish to interrogate so as to reveal the premise of their argument, the seven of them share the same core belief: justice should be determined by those who have been wronged by the greatest number of people who exist above them in the social hierarchy, and furthermore, that because this hierarchy is but a social construct, it might as well be done away with… like a wrecking ball to a pyramid… and so, I ask you, (to SARAI), if this is the Council’s argument, then what is the premise that buttresses up their argument? 

SARAI

You tell me.

TUCKERSON

I will. It’s this: that that which is a social construct, doesn’t exist, except for the way a crab might exist among the clouds, which, by the way, are not made of water. 

SARAI

Are we sure this is the man we should be trusting with our fortunes?

TUCKERSON

The cloud may resemble a crab, but it’s still a cloud. 

THARA

I’m sure you’re onto something, Tuckerson, but how do we save our farm?

TUCKERSON

By their own reasoning, couldn’t you say, “He who is the most downtrodden” doesn’t exist? Or that “She who is most downtrodden” can be birthed much like how an idea may be birthed from the canal of one’s mind? 

SARAI (aside, to THARA)

Make him stop.

TUCKERSON

Those with status don’t exist! Who’s to say that those who are at the bottom exist aside from how a crab exists among the clouds?

THARA

He who thinks he is krill, will be krill. 

ZAHRAA

What does he intend for us to do with this idea that he’s suckled to its teenage years?

SARAI

Zahraa, stop. My lunch isn’t sitting right.

TUCKERSON

What’s to stop the crab, daughters of Hamzaa, from blowing into a new shape?

ZAHRAA 

Into krill… Who would believe that I was krill? 

THARA

Everyone in this city knows my status, I’ve made sure of it. 

SARAI

Tell me he’s not suggesting what I think he is. I’m certainly not doing it. It’s unethical.

TUCKERSON

Don’t listen to your ethics, because they don’t exist.

SARAI

Ethics are an insurance policy, a matter of probability, which says, if I were to ever become as pathetic as those seven on the Council, how would I wish to be treated by others?

THARA

You’re our best shot, Sarai.

SARAI

They’d never believe I was so pathetic.

THARA

You’re a gambling addict.

SARAI (defensive)

I am a woman who’s not ashamed of her devotions.

THARA

You are twenty five years old, and have nothing to show for those years. 

SARAI

I have two masters degrees.

THARA

We’ll make sure to burry you with your two papers.

TUCKERSON

Does she speak a second language?

THARA

Arabic and Chinese.

TUCKERSON

Oh, with her education, and those arms, she’ll fit right in.

SARAI

My arms?

TUCKERSON

Plus, you’re at least two skin tones darker than your sisters.

SARAI

What’s that supposed to mean?

ZAHRAA

We always used to say, mom left her in the oven a week too long.

SARAI

That’s a racist thing to say.

ZAHRAA

We’re of the same race.

THARA

Even if Sarai were accepted onto the Council, she’d only be one of seven justices. I still don’t see how this will protect our estate.

TUCKERSON

If she follows my guidance, she’ll not only argue her way onto the Council, but she’ll be able to influence over The Arbiter, the lowest of the low. Not all voices on this council have the same volume, and the Arbiter influences the voices of those higher up, like an echo that erupts from a trembling gorge. 

TUCKERSON farts

SARAI

I’m not okay with this. Forging my identity, as a means of influencing justice.

THARA

It’s this or poverty for you. Your sister is young, and she still has her looks. I have my career. You on the other hand, do you figure the casinos will want you chasing the 18 eyes of god without any money… Or that the horse track will allow you on the grounds when you’re too broke to bet the minimum?

SARAI

I’d do anything, I suppose, if it meant not being that poor.

TUCKERSON

Alright! I’ll tell you exactly what to say.

SARAI

If it’s truly the only option… Talk to me, Tuckerson. I’m listening.

TUCKERSON

The first thing they’ll come after you for is your status. When someone tells you that you have status, don’t ask yourself, That word, status, what does it really mean? That’s the natural instinct, but it’s the wrong question. For example: if I were to ask you, what does the word “rich” mean, how would you define it? 

SARAI

Having a lot of assets, more than what other people have.

TUCKERSON

So, if I were to say that ‘The crème brulée is rich,’ does that mean my dessert of custard and toasted caramel has a lot of assets?

SARAI

Not in that sense.

TUCKERSON

Thus I’ve proven the premise of my assertion, which is what was really being asserted: ask not what the word rich means, but rather, Why is the speaker using this word, “rich,” in reference to me?

SARAI

So when they tell me I have status, I should start by asking them why their preference is to use the word “status” to describe me?

TUCKERSON

Exactly.

SARAI

And when they insist that it’s just their way of punching upwards, how do I respond?

TUCKERSON

By asking them, ‘Why do you punch me at all?’

SARAI seems queasy.

SARAI

So, in other words (she pauses) I punch down?

SARAI vomits.

ZAHRAA

Ew. Sarai, that got on my shoe.

TUCKERSON

Come with me to my hole. I’ll teach you everything else you need to know about confronting the most pathetic members of our society.

Exit TUCKERSON, accompanied by SARAI