"A Comedy of Moralities"
Sarai Gehrood arrives before the Council of Pathetiques and attempts to use the Fox Den's brand of "philosophy" to prove that she is, in fact, the most pathetic member of society. Sarai will uncover a secret about the Council that traumatizes the young gambling addict, then finds consolation from, of all people, a mad man dressed as Link (Legend of Zelda) who's been running around the city declaring a Holy War on the city's pigs.
CREATED BY:
JORDAN PAUL SULLIVAN
CAST:
GRANT CLEAVELAND as Tuckerson, Grumfeld, and Louis CK
RACHANEE LUMAYNO as Sarai Gehrood
AMY FESS as Thara Gehrood, Zahraa Gehrood, and The White Woman
RAY HURD as Narrator and The Enslaved
MUSIC:
Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, performed by the UC Davis Symphony Orchestra (2007)
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (Credits), Piano Cover by Laurence Manning (2021)
"A Comedy of Moralities"
Sarai Gehrood arrives before the Council of Pathetiques and attempts to use the Fox Den's brand of "philosophy" to prove that she is, in fact, the most pathetic member of society. Sarai will uncover a secret about the Council that traumatizes the young gambling addict, then finds consolation from, of all people, a mad man dressed as Link (Legend of Zelda) who's been running around the city declaring a Holy War on the city's pigs.
CREATED BY:
JORDAN PAUL SULLIVAN
CAST:
GRANT CLEAVELAND as Tuckerson, Grumfeld, and Louis CK
RACHANEE LUMAYNO as Sarai Gehrood
AMY FESS as Thara Gehrood, Zahraa Gehrood, and The White Woman
RAY HURD as Narrator and The Enslaved
MUSIC:
Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, performed by the UC Davis Symphony Orchestra (2007)
Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (Credits), Piano Cover by Laurence Manning (2021)
THE FOXES: PART II
EPISODE I.
The seven members of the Council of Pathetiques sit around a dais. The dais is an inverted pyramid, where THE HEN, aka “The Arbiter,” sits at the bottom. In no particular order, the other steps are occupied by: The Persecuted, The Enslaved, The Raped, The White Woman, The Schismed, and The Impoverished.
THE PERSECUTED
Next up is Louie, a comedian, who’s been accused of exposing his penis to three women, who were also comedians.
THE HEN
This penis, was it white?
THE PERSECUTED
It was indeed.
THE HEN
And rich?
THE PERSECUTED
Very much so.
THE HEN
And the women, were they virgins?
THE PERSECUTED
No, they were not.
THE HEN
Even worse!
THE RAPED
How’s that worse?
THE HEN
Not only have these women been assaulted, but they’ve been reminded of all their past traumas with penises.
THE RAPED
Not every encounter with a penis is traumatic.
THE HEN begins to stand up
THE RAPED (in fear)
I rescind my statement, Arbiter!
THE HEN sits back down, and begins to relax once again
THE HEN
Send in the accused.
Enter LOUIE
THE HEN
Louie, you’ve been accused of exposing yourself to three women who were previously traumatized. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
LOUIE
Hi, everyone. I’m Louie. I’m an awkward guy, always been kind of an oaf when it comes to the ladies. I definitely have some sexual kinks and perversions, if you will, that I clearly haven’t addressed, but which the public was surely aware of, because this was the content of my comedy, which they loved, before they turned on me for the content of my comedy, when they realized there was some truth to the stories that gave them their hoots and hollers, and now they despise me for it.
THE HEN
So you admit then, that you exposed your penis to three women who were already coping with past traumas?
LOUIE
What traumas?
THE HEN
We’ll give you this chance to come clean, in exchange for a more lenient sentence.
LOUIE
Did I expose myself to these women? Yes, I did. I realize now that I was wrong.
THE HEN
Will you apologize?
LOUIE
No, I’m not going to apologize. For misreading the situation, sure. For traumatizing them, are you serious? You can go fuck yourself.
THE HEN
If you refuse to show remorse, then we will tack that on to your punishment.
LOUIE
For not apologizing? Since when was justice determined by whether or not a person falls to the floor in remorse? Can I just say something? You know, like, I don’t wanna be THAT GUY, but I feel like for the sake of fairness, this needs to be said. These girls, you know, they’re not the types who are pure as snow and quick to defile… if you pissed on them, nobody would be able to spot the difference. Half their jokes are about how mangled their vaginas are from all the so-called trauma they’ve been enduring down there. It’s a big mystery why they haven’t had more success in comedy! Blame my white hairy ass. You fucking people.
THE HEN
It is forbidden to speak of one more downtrodden than oneself in this chamber! Time for sentencing.
LOUIE
Remember that whole leniency thing.
THE HEN
Leniency will be applied. Your sentence is death.
LOUIE
What about the fucking leniency?
THE HEN
Death is lenient.
LOUIE
Listen, whatever baggage you’ve got in your life… It’s not gonna make it any easier, taking your shit out on me. You fucking bird.
THE RAPED
(concerned)
I think that’s a little much, Arbiter.
THE HEN begins to stand up, and takes an aggressive stance
THE RAPED
I mean it this time.
THE HEN pecks the person next to him, who also stands up, and begins pecking the others. All six approach THE RAPED.
THE RAPED
He made one or two misjudgments. In a liberal society, the boundaries of sex can be confusing.
The other six members begin pecking at THE RAPED
THE RAPED
Stop! Stop! You hit my eye! Okay, I rescind! His sentence is death!
THE HEN
Take him away.
ENFORCER 1 and ENFORCER 2 escort LOUIE off stage, politely persuading him to follow. They Exit.
THE HEN
Who is next?
THE PERSECUTED
Next up is Sarai Gehrood, the daughter of the late pig farmer, Hamza Gehrood. She’s requesting a seat on the Council of Pathetiques.
THE WHITE WOMAN
Isn’t she wealthy?
THE PERSECUTED
Sarai’s claim is that by this time next week, the Council and her creditors will have taken all of her wealth.
THE HEN
Then she can come back next week, and petition for her spot on the Council then.
THE PERSECUTED
Sarai is insisting that time is a social construct, and that it shouldn’t matter if she applies this week, or next week, because after all, we’re not slaves to time.
THE ENSLAVED
(thick Nigerian accent)
I resent that phrasing!
THE HEN
Of course you do. And that’s your right, as the living descendent of the most enslaved persons. But as to her assertion, that we’re not beholden to social strictures, I’ll allow it, if you all would as well? (ALL COUNCIL MEMBERS nod theirs heads, fearful of THE HEN).
THE PERSECUTED (sycophantic)
Nothing oppresses the downtrodden as much as clocks and calendars.
THE HEN
Send her in.
Enter SARAI
SARAI
Whoa, you’re a bird.
THE PERSECUTED
Indeed, zor is a bird.
SARAI
Zor?
THE PERSECUTED
Zor is a majestic, heavenly-looking hen, selectively bred by open-coop cocks and regularly checked for parasites and bacterial calamities. Tell me you don’t mean to imply that you find something vaguely discomforting and odd about zor?
SARAI
Do you keep saying ZOR?
THE ENSLAVED
Zor is the arbiter’s referential term, zor’s pronoun, if you will, whether it be the subject or the object of a clause.
SARAI
I understand. For I also go by zor.
THE PERSECUTED
Zor also goes by zor! What’s zor (indicating SARAI), trying to unseat zor? (indicating THE HEN)
THE WHITE WOMAN
I’ll take it from here.
THE HEN
Patricia has the floor.
THE WHITE WOMAN
Thank you, Arbiter. Now, when I ask you this, it should be obvious to you that I am speaking on behalf of all seven members of the Council of Pathetiques, not only white women, so if you will, tell us, what makes you feel you’re any more downtrodden than us seven, by which I mean, the collective of members sitting here before you?
SARAI (aside)
What did Tuckerson say? Answer any questions with a question, and load my own question with an accusation. (then to THE COUNCIL) If you don’t recognize how downtrodden my life is, then is it possible it’s because your own lives haven’t been downtrodden enough?
THE PERSECUTED
(an even thicker Arab accent)
I had ancestors killed at Treblinka, Sobibor and Auschwitz. My own family died in a terrorist bombing outside of Tel Aviv. Then I was captured by Palestinians and tortured for thalath sanawat… (clears throat, then corrects himself)… three years.
SARAI (aside)
Is this Jew speaking Arabic?
THE ENSLAVED
(Nigerian accent)
I count 128 ancestors who were enslaved… here… in America.
THE WHITE WOMAN
I am a woman! There’s no creature so low that their fight is not mine to inherit.
THE IMPOVERISHED
I possess nothing.
THE SCHISMED remains silent. The other members stare at THE SCHISMED, as if awaiting a statement, but when nothing is said, they proceed.
THE WHITE WOMAN
What makes you feel you’ve been so downtrodden in your life, that you would be entitled to a seat on this council? I find your claim interesting, as it comes from someone who was raised in unique affluence. The Gehrood family has a reputation. How can one who has so much lay claim to being this downtrodden?
SARAI
(aside)
Tuckerson says, give them the benefit of the doubt, and admit they’ve made a point. The validation will put them at ease. Then once they believe they’ve found an opportunity to sit back and relax, spring upon them a question so blunt it will put the Council on the defensive. Attention will be deflected away from wherever I don’t want the Council to be focusing: namely, my wealth.
(then, to THE COUNCIL)
You seven have suffered much, and it troubles me to hear how much you’ve suffered. But this forces the question… by your standards, which I’m assuming would be at least somewhat quantitative since this is what determines the very course of justice in our city… How much should I have suffered? Give me a number.
THE WHITE WOMAN
How much should she have suffered? Give her a number?
THE HEN
How do we answer such a question?
SARAI
(aside)
Tuckerson says, force them to answer a question that has no answer, and then ridicule them for not providing one. This will make their other arguments appear weak and arbitrary, by proxy of their inability to answer such an innocuous question. If they do go ahead and provide an answer, be ready to pounce on them, regardless of how they respond.
(then to the COUNCIL)
In order to be qualified to sit amongst you seven—— or at least amongst six of you,—— I’d expect it to be within my rights as a citizen, a member of this society we share, to ask such a simple question: what is the exact quantity of suffering that I should have endured in my life that I would be qualified to represent the downtrodden? What’s the number?
THE HEN
What do you want us to say?
SARAI
So you won’t answer my question?
THE HEN
What is the question?
SARAI
It’s a simple question! Dare I say you’re avoiding it, so as to not give my candidacy its fair consideration? Why do you tread on me?
THE HEN
What’s the question again?
SARAI
Will you answer it? Should I have been beaten? Raped up the (gags) rectum? Abused by ten million words? Would this be enough? More importantly, can you give me an exact quantity! It’s a simple question, and you seem to be avoiding the answer.
THE HEN
How do you quantify the downtrodden?
SARAI
Tuckerson says, now that they’ve forgotten the original issue, my father’s wealth, hammer it home. Once they seem eager for mercy, that’s when I advance my own agenda. (then, to THE COUNCIL) Is the quantity of my own downtroddenness more than your own! Is that not what we’re trying to determine? (aside) And now that the focus of the discussion is in my control, I can maneuver it as I please. (then to THE COUNCIL) If being a woman were enough, then I have the parts. If being poor were enough, then in three days I’ll be poor as the impoverished one (indicating THE IMPOVERISHED). If being persecuted were the measure, you should know my father had to change his religion under pressure from Tuckerson himself, the same man who makes a living off of invalidating this council’s work, and persecuting you and you and you, and, well, (she addresses THE SCHISMED) whoever you are…
THE HEN
We don’t talk to the schismed.
SARAI
The schismed?
THE HEN
There is a schism between what goes on in there (points to THE SCHISMED’s head) and what goes on out here (indicating “the world”). It’s remarkably Hegelian, but, you know, without the resolution.
THE WHITE WOMAN
(to THE HEN, indicating SARAI)
I don’t think someone of zor background has any business being on this council.
(aside)
She thinks that she can just come in here and claim my seat? Not the case!
SARAI
(aside)
This one is clearly on the defensive. Tuckerson says, repackage their emotions to suit your own needs.
(then to THE COUNCIL)
Why is it that you hate anyone who’s struggle has been slightly different from your own, Patricia?
(aside)
Then ask another question, pointed as pointed comes, before she has time to defend herself.
(aloud)
You probably believe, by the same warped logic, that there are none in this city as downtrodden as yourself, not even the arbiter zorself.
(then to THE ARBITER)
Arbiter, you still haven’t answered my question, what would make me more qualified than this woman here (indicating PATRICIA), to sit on your council? I ask you kindly, can you give me a number?
THE WHITE WOMAN
She is indeed coming for my seat! Tell her to beat it, Arbiter. She’s defaming me in order to distract you from something important, though I can’t remember what she wants us to forget, for I’m in such a raging heat right now.
SARAI
It’s a simple question, Arbiter. This woman here clearly hates me for how my struggle has been different from her own. Tell me you other six aren’t blinded by hateful prejudice, for why else would you refuse to acknowledge my lot in life?
THE HEN
This woman would be an asset to the Council of Pathetiques.
THE RAPED
With all she’s been through, it’s clear to me that she not only deserves to serve upon the Council, but that she should be second in rank, above only the arbiter zorself.
THE PERSECUTED
Zor, in other words, will be vice to the arbiter zorself.
THE WHITE WOMAN
(aside)
The girl has said nothing of her own situation. I should ask for specifics! No. She’d just ruin me. Better to be patient, Patricia. You’ll find your way back in due time.
THE HEN nods to THE WHITE WOMAN, who stands up and begins to leave
THE WHITE WOMAN
Don’t get used to my absence.
THE PERSECUTED
She has a habit of returning, like a bird to its shitting branch. If nothing else can be said of Patricia, she is a creature of habit.
SARAI (to THE ENSLAVED)
The Schismed. There’s something gravely off there.
THE ENSLAVED
There is indeed. More so than any of us, there is something pathetic about The Schismed… It’s difficult to look at.
SARAI
Well, that begs the question. Why isn’t The Schismed arbiter?
THE ENSLAVED
The Schismed doesn’t assert.
THE HEN
Let’s move on. Who’s next on the books?
SARAI
Five thousand dollars that the next guy is guilty.
THE ENSLAVED
Five thousand! No way in hell! (aside) Although, I know that the defendant on deck is a vegetarian woman from Belarus who was imprisoned for fifteen years on the charge of menstruating in public. There’s no way such a pathetic creature would ever be found guilty in this court. Five thousand dollars? You’re on!
SARAI and THE ENSLAVED shake hands
THE HEN
No gambling in the Council!
SARAI
I won’t be persecuted for practicing my religion. I petitioned to join this council so that I could continue to practice my religion, not so I could practice it even less.
THE PERSECUTED
Did someone say persecution?
SARAI
The bet is 5,000 dollars, that the next defendant will be found guilty.
THE HEN
There will be no gambling in the Council of Pathetiques!
THE HEN aggressively pecks SARAI
SARAI
Not only am I persecuted. I’ve also been assaulted!
THE PERSECUTED
Do you wish to press charges?
THE ENSLAVED
You must say yes!
SARAI (confused)
Yes, I do! I wish to press charges.
THE PERSECUTED
How does the Council vote? Hands raised to convict the perpetrator of this double offense: of persecution and assault.
THE ENSLAVED (aside)
Zor has pecked at me enough.
ALL raise their hands
THE PERSECUTED
And the sentence is death. Do we all agree?
THE ENSLAVED
You must agree.
SARAI
Since you’re a hen, I really shouldn’t feel so guilty about this. You know, I had kabob for lunch.
ALL put their hands down. ENFORCER 1 & ENFORCER 2 enter and persuade THE HEN to accompany them offstage.
SARAI (to THE ENSLAVED)
You’ve lost.
THE ENSLAVED
Oh, by the gods of the Niger, did I just vote to forfeit five thousand dollars?
SARAI
You can keep your money. It means nothing to me.
THE ENSLAVED
Thank you, Arbiter. You must be rich.
SARAI
Not in the way a crème brulée can be said to be rich. Wait. Arbiter?
THE ENSLAVED
Yes. The second has become the first.
THE HEN is heard offstage, aggressively making clucking noises. There’s a pathetic sense of despair in these cries.
SARAI (concerned, to ALL)
Can we take a quick break?
THE ENSLAVED
You’re the Arbiter. Tell them what you want.
SARAI
Everyone, let’s take a ten minute recess!
ALL begin to stand up, except for SARAI, who appears rather petrified and affixed to her seat. THE ENSLAVED begins to stand up, but SARAI surreptitiously pulls him back down into his seat, and waits patiently for the others to exit. SARAI and THE ENSLAVED look up as THE SCHISMED walks by them.
SARAI
The poor creature.
THE ENSLAVED remains silent. Once everyone is out of the room, SARAI, in a panic, confronts THE ENSLAVED.
SARAI
They’re not really going to kill zor, are they?
The sound of a chicken flapping its wings and frantically clucking is heard, followed by the sound of a bird choking on its own blood, then dead silence. SARAI covers her mouth in horror.
LOUIE (offstage)
Hey, sugar tits. Now that the arbiter is dead, does that mean I’m cool to go?
A gunshot is heard, and then, silence.
SARAI (aside)
Tuckerson’s little word games have gotten way out of hand! Tuckerson neglected to mention this complication. False power, justified by false weakness. I never asked for this power. (to THE ENSLAVED) Have mercy on me.
THE ENSLAVED
For what, lady?
SARAI
I’m an imposter.
THE ENSLAVED
We’re all imposters.
SARAI
It’s natural to feel that way, but you don’t understand. I am an imposter! I don’t belong on the Council of Pathetiques.
THE ENSLAVED
The arbiter was a corrupt hen. There’s a reason zor’s own council voted to have zor killed. Don’t let what has happened here bother you.
SARAI
Do you know how a child gets scared by thunder? This is how I felt when I was told I’d be losing all and everything. The council is the bed I’ve come to hide under, and it’s even more frightening down here than it was up there. I didn’t intend for anyone to die. I’m really not downtrodden at all.
THE ENSLAVED
I’d advise you to keep these concerns from the other members. Let me assure you, you’re more trod upon than most of the other members on this council.
SARAI
That’s not true. That poor hen.
THE ENSLAVED
You were kind to forgive my debt to you, so allow me to return kindness with kindness; your confession with my own confession. There aren’t 128 slaves in my lineage.
SARAI
Two to the seventh power. I knew that was too perfect a number. How many slaves were there?
THE ENSLAVED
I come from Nigeria. My family sells men for their forced labor.
SARAI
You’re a slave trader?
THE ENSLAVED
By the gods of the Niger, no.
SARAI
Oh, thank the eighteen eyes of god for that.
THE ENSLAVED
It’s how my family earned their fortune, but really, I’m not part of the family business. You’re not the only one who doesn’t belong. The Persecuted one, who claims to be a Jew; I suspect he’s not a Jew at all. He does know much about how Jews behave when they are tortured.
SARAI
Oh, by the eyes.
THE ENSLAVED
The man who claims to be the most raped via the rectum, he certainly has much experience with these sorts of sexual encounters, but I doubt he’s ever been the recipient.
SARAI
Oh by the eyes! And that poor creature, The Schismed? If The Schismed isn’t pathetic, then I may lose all faith in my senses.
THE ENSLAVED
The Schismed is what The Schismed appears to be. This is the nature of The Schismed.
SARAI
Then what do you stand for?
THE ENSLAVED
Same as you.
SARAI
And what do I stand for?
THE ENSLAVED
Nothing?
SARAI
That’s not true. Even right now, I’m on a religious pilgrimage.
THE ENSLAVED
As are we all, as are we all. Here comes the Council. Be careful around the man who calls himself The Raped.
EPISODE II.
A clearing in the woods. SARAI sits upon a tree stump, overwhelmed by a sense of melancholia and uncertainty.
SARAI
I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities: that all men are good, that all men are evil, or, the most terrifying of all, that every man is something in between. In the case of the first and last, there would be nobody to fight, none to oppose, not righteously; in the case of the second, I should throw humanity upon a sword…
SARAI stands up
SARAI
A hen that stands for power forged from weakness… Wisdom that reveals that the clouds are made not from water… The gambler that spills blood not by her decision, nor by chance. Never once did I dream of power. Couldn’t we have the trial now, so I could renounce what I never dreamt of? All I desire is to roll those three dice and wait for my sixes, or to witness the racehorse who defies the odds. Even if I were to lose every wager, I’d perhaps be happier than I am at this moment, waiting idly by for my own blood to be spilled.
Enter a WILD BOAR, upstage right, it grunts and SARAI is startled, nearly falling off the stage. SARAI backs away towards stage right. THE WILD BOAR follows her.
SARAI
Oh god, stay back! Why are there so many damned pigs wandering about these days?
THE WILD BOAR approaches SARAI, who trips to the ground, and begins crab-crawling away from the pig. The 16-bit theme from The Legend of Zelda (1988) begins to play. Enter LINK, at the start of the 5th bar, with sword drawn. In a show of great courage and heroism LINK promptly slays the pig. SARAI is stunned, and remains frozen upon the floor.
SARAI
Please, leave me be! I have a wallet with five thousand dollars. It’s yours. Just take that sword and get yourself far, far away.
LINK kneels on the ground before SARAI
LINK
Oh, great fairy of the Gerudo Plains, it is I, Link, the hero prophesied through the generations, the one who’s destiny it is to rid this land of its darkness. I kneel humbly before you, and request that you grant me your powers.
SARAI
I’m afraid the only way to grant you my powers is by taking advantage of you in a horrible way.
LINK
(suspicious)
That’s never been my experience with fairies thus far.
SARAI
I am Sarai Gehrood, daughter of the late pig farmer, Hamza Gehrood. I’m not a fairy.
LINK
So you are Gerudo?
SARAI
I am certainly no fairy. You’ve seen fairies before, have you? What’s that on your back, there, a bow? Hey! You’re the one who slaughtered my pigs! Stand back! You are mad, aren’t you? Hey… You know, if you are mad, you just might be entitled to some of my powers. I wouldn’t even have to take advantage of you to grant you what you desire.
LINK
I accept. I’ll employ these powers with utmost responsibility. I trust in the destiny foretold of our world’s hero.
SARAI
To rid the world of its darkness. It’s a fool’s errand. How much could you trust what’s impossible? Do you trust it enough to risk your freedom?
LINK
My freedom, and more.
SARAI
How much more?
LINK
My life. And you, what would you give to see this land cleansed of that dark shadow?
SARAI pulls out her wallet
SARAI
Five thousand.
LINK
That’s all?
SARAI
What do you wish of me, to bet the farm?
LINK
Why not?
SARAI
I’d become poor. I’d rather not be poor.
LINK
You’re already poor! You’ll be even more destitute of spirit when you lose all because you wouldn’t risk all. If you wish to be a little bit of many things, then you’ll never be all of one. That’s been the downfall of your tribe, hasn’t it?
SARAI
I’ll take your word for it.
LINK
It’s a sickness born to your people. Not a one of you Gerudo women is whole. If you wish to be something, be all of it. Heed your destiny, not what pleases you.
SARAI
There is no destiny. Destiny is what fathers name their daughters when they wish them to grow up to be strippers.
LINK (steadfast, zealous)
Taunt me, prod me, question the soundness of my mind. No part of me wavers, my will stands firm. Sanity is of no value to me, for it affords nothing to my mission. I’ve withstood your tribulations and deceptions, oh Fairy of Gerudo, and if you’re finished now, hurry up! Grant me the power I’ve requested. Bestow upon me what you will. I’m in need of aid from the goddesses, as transmitted through your airy vessel.
SARAI lifts up LINK from his kneeling stance. She kisses LINK in a state of confused passion, and LINK returns the kiss with similar passion, but then pushes her away in protest.
LINK
Though Zelda lives no more, my loyalty is ever to the princess.
SARAI hands LINK a great wad of cash
SARAI
Five thousand dollars. Take it.
LINK
Your money means nothing for me. Money cannot buy the hearts of men.
SARAI puts the cash back in her wallet
SARAI
(aside)
That’s proof that he’s mad; he feels as I feel about the value of money. But I have excess. Those with excess don’t value excess, despite its value; men don’t value air. For one such as this man, who lacks and still does not value what he lacks; this is clearly madness. He’s a man I can’t not pity.
(to LINK)
I can give you information to aid you on your journey. (short pause) There are two sources of evil in this land, one of power, and one of wisdom.
LINK
And courage shall overcome them. This is the legend. Every child knows this, it’s no secret, fairy. Your information is also of no use to me.
SARAI
I’ll bet the farm.
LINK
Gambling is of no use to me. If you want the hearts of men, you must risk the hearts of men. If you want life, risk life. Farewell, Red Fairy.
Exit LINK
SARAI
No more betting some, and winning some. If you want life, risk life. This isn’t madness at all, or is it stupidity?
EPISODE III.
The Fox Den.
TUCKERSON
Tell me, Grumfeld. What parts make up a fly?
GRUMFELD
I don’t know, Tuckerson. I’m quite ignorant when it comes to matters concerning flies. I’m no enterologist (malaprop. entomologist).
TUCKERSON
Surely you know something, play along. Shattiny, how about you? If you were to assemble a fly from its component parts, what would you need?
SHATTINY
Well, I suppose you’d require some legs, and a body, and a head.
TUCKERSON
How many legs?
SHATTINY
Two legs.
TUCKERSON
Two should be enough for a fly. They’re very small. You couldn’t fit more than two.
GRUMFELD
And don’t forget the wings! Two wings!
TUCKERSON
And eyes. And their proboscis.
SHATTINY
Ah, of course. The proboscis.
TUCKERSON
And then you’d have a fly?
SHATTINY
Don’t forget the innards!
GRUMFELD
And the sphincters!
TUCKERSON
How many sphincters?
SHATTINY
Two. Flies are very small. Two sphincters should be enough for a fly.
TUCKERSON
We’re in complete agreement. Only, I believe flies have eight legs, much like their close cousins, the spider.
GRUMFELD
Oh, of course. Spiders do have eight legs. It would only make sense for flies to have eight legs as well, since, as you said, they are related to their cousins, the spider, not only by blood, but by consumption.
TUCKERSON
So once I put together the eight legs, the two wings, the head and thorax, and the innards.
GRUMFELD
And the sphincters!
TUCKERSON
And two sphincters… Would you agree that we have a fly and that the legs and wings and proboscis no longer exist?
GRUMFELD
Yes, Tuckerson. I agree.
TUCKERSON
Do you? Are you sure?
GRUMFELD (embarrassed)
Grumfeld swings for a slider. Oh, Tuckerson, you shouldn’t ask trick questions.
TUCKERSON
So?
GRUMFELD (humiliated)
Of course the parts still exist, even though they’ve been joined to form a new whole.
TUCKERSON
So once we put the parts together and we have a fly, we somehow still retain legs and wings and sphincters, yes?
SHATTINY
Of course. It would be unreasonable to assert the contrary, that legs and eyes and sphincters no longer exist.
TUCKERSON
Would you say that we could extend this proof, and claim that any whole composed of some component parts still retains those parts?
GRUMFELD
It would be quite reasonable to extend this proof, since the fly itself is a component part of the world. I couldn’t imagine any qualifying circumstances, where this wouldn’t be true.
SHATTINY
This is a clear cut case. No further proof would be required. For all things composed of component parts, those parts still exist.
TUCKERSON
Then, I’ve proved it!
SHATTINY
What is it that you’ve proved, Tuckerson?
GRUMFELD
Tell us, Tuckerson! What truth have you revealed?
TUCKERSON
That I too am a person of color.
SHATTINY (concerned)
Oh, let’s leave that one here in the Fox Den, Tuckerson.
TUCKERSON
If color does exist, then though my skin be white as sunburnt snow, I, much like white light, am composed of all colors, and thus, it can be said, I too am a person of color.
GRUMFELD
I find humor in nearly all things, but I find nothing lighthearted in this particular proof on colors.
TUCKERSON
Someone’s coming. Back to your holes, gentlemen!
Exit SHATTINY and GRUMFELD. Enter ZAHRAA and THARA, who approach TUCKERSON.
THARA
Tuckerson, it’s been days now since Sarai left for the Council of Pathetiques. We’ve heard nothing from her.
ZAHRAA
We’re worried sick!
THARA
Are there any rumblings in the aether about Sarai’s whereabouts?
TUCKERSON
Be at ease. Your sister hasn’t returned home because she has been in session.
ZAHRAA
They sent her to therapy?
TUCKERSON
Sarai Gehrood is now the arbiter of the Council of Pathetiques.
THARA
Well, that’s good news, isn’t it?
ZAHRAA
We’ll keep the farm?
TUCKERSON
It’s a done deal.
THARA
It’s not done until it’s done. What’s next?
TUCKERSON
As arbiter, your sister will be able to influence the vote of the other six members of the Council. As long as she asserts her will, then as I said, it’s a done deal. You’ll have the suit against your estate dropped, and if she plays her cards right, she could even have her gambling debts expunged.
THARA (to ZAHRAA)
Your agent will be disappointed.
ZAHRAA (defensive)
He’s not my agent.
TUCKERSON
Agent?
THARA
Some man who believed the stunning, long-torso’d Zahraa was bound for poverty and so implored her to be the star actress in his upcoming feature. (she laughs, playfully ridiculing ZAHRAA)
ZAHRAA
Shut up, Thara. Even if I had nothing, you know I would never say yes to anything so undignified.
TUCKERSON
There’s nothing undignified about acting, only when actors play themselves…
THARA (interrupting)
And speak their own minds. You’re a broken record. (laughs playfully)
ZAHRAA (bashful)
You promised you’d mention that conversation to nobody.
THARA
It just amuses me, is all. The sorts of people who approach a seventeen year old girl once the gossip gets out that she’s suffering financial hardship. It’s nothing to get this flustered over, Zahraa.
Enter ENFORCER 1 and ENFORCER 2
ENFORCER 1
Tuckerson, you’ve been summoned by the Council.
ENFORCER 2
We’re here to escort you.
ENFORCER 1
And to persuade you to respect the summons, should you wish to defy our request to let us escort you to the Council. The arbiter has charged you with sedition.
ZAHRAA
The arbiter?
THARA
Our sister?
ZAHRAA
Why would Sarai be levying charges against you, of all people, Tuckerson, the day before our family’s trial?
THARA (concerned)
Don’t go.
TUCKERSON
(to THARA and ZAHRAA) It’s fine. (to THE ENFORCERS) You may escort me, gentlemen. As if I’ve never overcome the charges of the Council of Pathetiques. Onwards, onwards, come gentlemen. I choose to go.
Exit TUCKERSON, followed by ENFORCER 1 and ENFORCER 2