THE FOXES: PART III
EPISODE I.
The council chamber. TUCKERSON faces the audience.
TUCKERSON
How you’ve been affected, oh men of Dana, by the words of my accusers, I cannot tell; but I’ve forgotten who I am, because of how persuasive their words have been, even though not a word they’ve spoken has been the truth.
SARAI
Face the Council when you speak, Tuckerson.
TUCKERSON
I’ll face the jury.
SARAI
We are the jury.
TUCKERSON
I’ll face my peers.
SARAI
There’s only defendants in that direction.
TUCKERSON continues to face the audience.
TUCKERSON
Although a wise man once said,—— Socrates himself, if I’m not mistaken—— that a man who represents himself in court has a fool for a client, it is, on the contrary, my own belief that even if my words be not as impressive or polished as those of my accusers, the truth, even if it is plainly spoken, will make itself known to all those who are willing to listen for it. I, Tuckerson John Phillip Tyson IV, am a man of the street, who spends more time on the wharf than he does here, in the courtroom. If I am unable to speak in the jargon of the court, and prefer to speak as a man who holds most of his conversations in the harbor or at the market, I hope those listening, including the Council, might not hold that lack of sophistication against me. I’ll begin my defense, first, by recounting all three of the accusations that have been leveled against me, as if reading the affidavit.
SARAI
We just went over your charges.
THE ENSLAVED
We can silence him and begin sentencing… whenever.
SARAI
I’ve a bet. I can’t interfere now.
THE ENSLAVED
A bet? On what?
SARAI
Do you see my hands shaking?
TUCKERSON
The charges that this council has set against me and my colleagues at the Fox Den are three: impiety, misleading the youth, and sedition. I will begin with my proof against the first charge listed, and proceed sequentially from there to the second, and then the third. It may appear that I am starting with the most nonsensical accusation and proceeding to the less unreasonable, as part of my strategy, but I ask you to lay your suspicions aside, for I am telling you, this isn’t the case.
SARAI
On with it, man!
TUCKERSON
The first charge: impiety. What could that possibly mean? According to Webster’s dictionary…
THE PERSECUTED (interrupting)
This court does not recognize the static nature of languages as connoted by dictionaries.
SARAI
Yes, mutability, that’s the name of the game. Dare I ask that you define impiety in your own words?
TUCKERSON
Here’s a question for you, Sarai Gehrood. Could a man who has never known darkness define light?
SARAI
I suppose he wouldn’t be able to define light, if he’d only known light.
TUCKERSON
Then could a man with impious words define impiety?
THE PERSECUTED (interrupting)
Anything is better than a dictionary.
SARAI
The council will make a note that your words may not be accurate, since your words are suspected of being impious.
TUCKERSON
Impiety: showing an inappropriate casualness towards matters of the gods… Exhibiting undue levity when discussing the gods in front of those who insist that the gods be payed reverence. But this council, I must ask, when it comes to such matters, is there a member within the dais who believes in god?
THE PERSECUTED
We believe in the gods we represent.
THE ENSLAVED
The raped. The persecuted. The trod upon. Once a white woman named Patricia, but no longer a white woman named Patricia.
THE SCHISMED
We believe in possibilities, what could have been.
SARAI (aside)
Oh, the pathetic creature.
THE PERSECUTED
Once a hen who went by zor, but no longer a hen who goes by zor.
SARAI
I believe in all three goddesses.
THE SCHISMED
You must believe in the god you represent, the basest of base.
SARAI
I will not entertain false idols.
TUCKERSON
There are the traditional gods; there are the local gods, some have their individual gods, and still there are the newer breeds of gods. If one god tells you to reach for the heavens to pay respect to the sky, and then another tells you to press your nose against the ground to pay respect to the earth, whose right is it to say which position is the more pious? I spend my days with my face pressed against the dirt and you tell me I’m irreverent because I won’t reach for the air. The council would have me pay reverence to their gods, the airy gods, which cannot be gods, since they are not grounded. The Christian god has his roots in charity, the Hebrew god in wrath, the Islamic god in mercy. Your gods cling to justice, which lifts upon the air. I don’t reach for the air! I must be impious! Anyone who believes that there are merits to this first charge against me must be grabbing for the air as well.
SARAI
Do you rest your case on the first charge?
TUCKERSON
I’ve said enough.
SARAI
Pray make your defense against the second charge more efficient. I’m hungry.
THE ENSLAVED
We’re not required to sit through this.
SARAI
I want to hear what he has to say.
TUCKERSON
Well, Arbiter, I find the phrasing of your second charge confusing: that I corrupt the young. Do you mean the young who follow me around of their own free will? The young take pleasure in hearing me question men who believe they have some knowledge. Then, in their attempts to do themselves what they’ve seen me do, they’ve begun to question these men as well. The young inquire about such things as why we’ve been told that the clouds are made of water.
SARAI
This is what we mean by corruption, that you are a wellspring of false wisdom. There will be no idol-worship in this city, not as long as I’m Arbiter. You’ve misled hundreds of youths. You’ve even led some to believe that right and wrong, good and evil, were a matter of perspective. I was such a youth myself.
TUCKERSON
If we’re to define corruption, then perhaps we should first attempt to come to a consensus upon what it is not. Surely you know, Sarai Gehrood, that which is the opposite of corruption?
SARAI
Purity.
TUCKERSON
What do you know of the pure?
SARAI
Very little. I’ve only known a madman who harbored a nasty vendetta against pigs, domesticated and wild. He seemed pure.
TUCKERSON
So you admit you know little about purity. Who’s job is it to educate the young, and to ensure that they remain uncorrupted in their acquisition of knowledge?
THE PERSECUTED
This is the Council’s responsibility.
TUCKERSON
Not that of the parents?
THE PERSECUTED
The parents cannot be trusted. This has been established.
TUCKERSON
Would you agree that it would be best for the purity of young minds if they were instructed by a teacher whose mind was pure?
SARAI
I’d have to agree.
TUCKERSON
And yet you just admitted, Sarai, that you know little of the pure, and you’re this Council’s arbiter. How can the Council ensure that the minds of the young are kept from corruption if the minds of the Council cannot be said to be pure.
SARAI
I’ll concede you’ve a point, but it’s you that has misled so many youths, and this is the truth. Is there more than one truth? I’d say there is only one truth.
TUCKERSON
If I corrupt the young to be better, then how is that corruption? I know little, and unlike these other men who claim to be pure, I admit I know little, but am willing to ask questions. The city is like a horse that must keep running to stay alive. What spurs the city to run forth, and remain a functional whole because of its moving parts? Is it the truth the city chases, or do we pursue an agreed-upon fable? I am a man of truth, and so I believe the answer is “the truth.” The citizens are the gadfly on the horse’s rump, the one that bites down and stings the city into motion. I, Tuckerson, am the most colored part: the portion that inserts deep into the rump. The horse doesn’t appreciate my position, because it only knows that I am completely inside the rump, the city only knows the pain, not that I am the truth keeping the city alive. I ask questions, but I only ask those that are best for the city. I rest my defense on the second charge, and as to my defense against your third: that of sedition, there’s ambiguity as to what the charge is I’m opposing. Perhaps what the arbiter is referring to is how I instructed an aspiring arbiter to leverage the authority of the city’s courts to her family’s own financial advantage.
SARAI
I’ll admit it. I lied to get on this council, and did so to protect my family’s fortunes. It wasn’t right, but it wasn’t wrong. For nothing in this city can be said to be either. And now, before the Council votes on my punishment, and demands perhaps my own life, I hereby resign.
THE PERSECUTED (feigned outrage)
You feigned to be pathetic to gain entry onto this council?
THE RAPED (also feigned)
That’s strictly forbidden!
THE SCHISMED (sincere)
The penalty is death.
THE ENSLAVED (concerned)
I think that’s a little bit harsh. We don’t want to set a precedent of being overly harsh. I say we give her a firm rebuke, and demand she never ever do this again.
THE PERSECUTED (concerned)
We don’t want to set a precedent of being overly harsh.
THE SCHISMED (unassertive)
The penalty is death.
THE RAPED
We’ll vote. Those in favor of a firm scolding?
ALL but THE SCHISMED raise their hands
THE PERSECUTED
You’re a bad girl! Don’t ever do that again. The punishment is fulfilled, and let’s take note, the precedent of punishing those who dare infiltrate the Council has been established. Nobody else sneak onto our council or you will get just as nasty a scolding, do you hear? And now onto the business at hand: Tuckerson John Phillip Whathaveyou the Fourth… your sentencing.
THE SCHISMED
Tuckerson, you’ve taken advantage of hundreds of youths.
THE RAPED
And his penalty for such transgressions, what will it be? Death?
THE PERSECUTED
In my country——Israel!—— if you steal, you have your hands cut off. If you cheat on wife, the qadib, if you run from the police, the feet.
THE ENSLAVED
What would we do with a man who’s taken advantage of hundreds of youths?
THE RAPED
He should be taken advantage of 99 times. Do we all agree on this punishment? Raise your hands for yes.
ALL raise their hands.
TUCKERSON
I’d like to cite the case of The Hen v. Arbiter Patricia Greene Atwood to invoke an emergency petition to be admitted as this council’s new arbiter.
THE RAPED
I thought he said he was unfamiliar with the language of the court!
TUCKERSON
If I’m to be violated 99 times, then that would make me the most pathetic man in the entire city. Would it not?
THE PERSECUTED
We would all have to agree on this. You may come back here and petition, after your sentence has been, um, consummated.
TUCKERSON
Sarai Gehrood versus the Council of Pathetiques: “time is a social construct and thus doesn’t exist but as a crab exists among the clouds.” I move to be given the same allowance, in the name of fairness and legal consistency. Thus, even now, my claim to be the most pathetic person in the city must stand, and so I hereby request that I be named Arbiter of The Council of Pathetiques, not tomorrow, nor next month, but at this moment.
THE ENSLAVED
I don’t see how the Council could contradict any of this reasoning.
THE SCHISMED
We couldn’t possibly agree.
THE ENSLAVED
The only way to disagree would be to defy the very algebra of his logic.
THE SCHISMED
Then we must defy the algebra!
THE PERSECUTED
Those who disagree with algebra?
THE SCHISMED’s hand rises up, with timidity.
THE PERSECUTED
Congratulations, (addressing TUCKERSON) Arbiter.
THE ENSLAVED
Congratulations, (addressing TUCKERSON) Arbiter.
TUCKERSON
How pathetic a man is in the eyes of other men is merely a construct of the social order. This council previously was in agreement that anything that exists as a social construct only exists as a crab exists among the clouds. Correct?
THE SCHISMED
This, we agreed, most certainly, to be the truth, especially when these constructs reinforce stagnant power structures.
TUCKERSON
Thus, I’ve proved it.
THE SCHISMED
What has he proved?
TUCKERSON
This council only exists as a crab exists among the clouds, which aren’t made of water.
THE ENSLAVED
This I do not concur with, obviously, at all.
THE PERSECUTED
None of us agree with this conclusion.
TUCKERSON
I, Tuckerson, as legal Arbiter of the Council of Pathetiqes, hereby dissolve this council, like a krill floating upon the sky.
THE PERSECUTED
The law of this city has been dissolved.
THE ENSLAVED
The law is no more!
Enter THARA and ZAHRAA
THARA
You did it, Sarai! The farm, the fortune, our reputation in this city, it’s all been saved!
SARAI
I bet the farm, Thara.
THARA
You did what?
ZAHRAA
Tell me the dice rolled eighteen!
SARAI
I bet the farm that Tuckerson would accuse me of not believing in the gods. He did make that claim.
THARA
So you doubled our money! Bless you, Sarai! Tuckeson is a predictable creature, I’ll give you this one. Risky to bet everything, sister, but not an unclever wager.
SARAI
And that wasn’t enough, so I doubled down.
THARA
You didn’t!
ZAHRAA
Oh, god.
SARAI
I bet that Tuckerson would become the new arbiter.
THARA
You should have led with the condition! Sarai, you doubled our fortunes, twice? We’ll be like the Medicis of Dana. Our status will felt for centuries.
SARAI
Then, that still felt like it wasn’t enough, Thara, so I tripled down; the condition was an over-under, that Tuckerson would remain arbiter: for more than one month. I bet the over.
THARA
Oh, god!
SARAI
Before the dice rolled, I’d never felt that alive. After the third dice did not show a six, I tell you, sister, I witnessed the goddesses. The estate, the farms, the wealth, it’s not life. The farm is death, I find it evil.
ZAHRAA drops to her knees
ZAHRAA
Oh god!
THARA
I’ve tried and I’ve tried to pull you up, Sarai. I don’t know what more I could have done. I’m done. I want nothing more with this family. We have to take care of ourselves now.
ZAHRAA
Thara, wait! Thara…
Exit THARA
ZAHRAA
Sarai?
SARAI
You’ll thank me someday.
Exit SARAI. ZAHRAA, alone, begins weeping. THE RAPED picks up TUCKERSON, and carries him over his shoulder.
TUCKERSON
Hey get your hands off me! I know who you are… I mean who you really are. (aloud) Hey! I’m pathetic! Look at how pathetic I am right now! Help me!
THE RAPED
Nobody is listening to you.
Exit THE RAPED, with TUCKERSON
EPISODE II.
In the woods. THE RAPED is stripping a protesting TUCKERSON of his pants. The Legend of Zelda opening theme plays. Enter SARAI, carrying a sword. SARAI stabs THE RAPED, who runs off in a panic and exits. TUCKERSON runs away in the opposite direction, with his pants around his ankles. A WILD BOAR enters. SARAI faces down the WILD BOAR, and the WILD BOAR charges her. She is pierced twice by the WILD BOAR’s tusks, once in the gut, and then again, in the rectum. SARAI falls to the floor, bleeding, and the WILD BOAR runs off and exits. Enter LINK, who takes out an erlenmeyer flask of "red healing potion.”
LINK
Drink this potion… it will revitalize you and heal your injuries.
A fountain of blood starts pour ing out of SARAI’s stomach wound, and LINK runs off.
LINK
You’ll need more of it. I’ll fetch the second bottle from my roanhorse.
SARAI turns over on her stomach.
SARAI
Oh, beautiful creator, your eyes are everywhere. I pray you will lift your charity and carry it across this land, and free men from the money and human dogmas that prevent them from witnessing your glory as they inhabit the earth. Or better yet, let me live.
A volcano of shit and blood violently erupts from SARAI’s rectum. She pulls out a set of three marble-red dice and rolls them.
SARAI (observing the dice)
1, 1, 4. Nope.
Curtain. Moments pass. The curtain rises, and as it does, SARAI is back on her feet, grabbing her anus as if it were sore. SARAI appears confused. The WILD BOAR returns, and approaches her. Enter LINK, who slays THE WILD BOAR. SARAI limps over to a log, and carefully takes a seat. LINK sits down next to her. He pulls an apple from his pocket, and the ENDING CREDITS THEME from “The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past” begins to play.
LINK
Apple?
SARAI
Ew.
LINK
Ham sandwich?
SARAI
Yes, please. (she takes a bite, and her eyes light up) Mmm… this is delicious. (curious) Where’d you get the bread? (short pause, she takes another bite) You haven’t been breeding wild boars out here, have you?
LINK
The boars were summoned by the wizard Tuckerson.
SARAI
What could he be trying to prove with all these boars?
LINK
The wizard is trying to resurrect Ganon, the king of evil. He must be destroyed.
SARAI
In our next adventure.
SARAI rests her head upon LINK’s shoulder, as she takes another bite of her ham sandwich. The ending theme from A Link to The Past continues to play. CURTAIN.