"A Comedy of Realities"
Kathryn Elizabeth learns more about Jack, and his traumatic history with Nadia. The Fist Mate Proompt pressures Cricket, by intimidation and violence, to accept the method actor’s fictional world view. Jack and Dan have their first run-in in three years, and these men, friends from childhood, will make a bet, for old times' sake.
CREATED BY:
JORDAN PAUL SULLIVAN
CAST:
ALEX SARRIGEORGIOU as Kathryn Elizabeth
RACHANEE LUMAYNO as Li Libai
CECELIA BONNER as Nadia
GRANT CLEAVELAND as Ponc
RAY HURD as Narrator
MUSIC:
Kyle Landry, Across The Universe (Beatles Cover)
"A Comedy of Realities"
Kathryn Elizabeth learns more about Jack, and his traumatic history with Nadia. The Fist Mate Proompt pressures Cricket, by intimidation and violence, to accept the method actor’s fictional world view. Jack and Dan have their first run-in in three years, and these men, friends from childhood, will make a bet, for old times' sake.
CREATED BY:
JORDAN PAUL SULLIVAN
CAST:
ALEX SARRIGEORGIOU as Kathryn Elizabeth
RACHANEE LUMAYNO as Li Libai
CECELIA BONNER as Nadia
GRANT CLEAVELAND as Ponc
RAY HURD as Narrator
MUSIC:
Kyle Landry, Across The Universe (Beatles Cover)
SCENE I.
The men’s cabin. DAN is alone, and in his boxers. He’s humming a chipper, whistle-while-you-work sort of upbeat song, and is about to begin slipping on his sailor’s trousers. A knock is heard at the door, and the door opens immediately, without any pause. DAN pulls the sailor trousers up as quickly as he can, but as JACK enters, DAN is still shirtless, standing with his back to the door.
DAN
Un momento, por favor.
DAN turns around.
DAN (chipper)
Ah! It’s my roommate.
JACK (brooding)
Both of our names are on the door, Dan. Who’d you think I was?
DAN
(nonchalant, as if he means it)
Room service.
JACK
This is the Brig Pilgrim. It’s a far cry from the Peninsula Hotel in Shanghai.
DAN
(overwhelmed by the memory)
That hotel was worth every penny. Do you remember the shrimp bowl? That thing was the size of a small car. Then the next day we played that haggling game at the street market, and I convinced one of the street venders to sell me a fifty-RMB selfie stick for only five RMB. The best you could get them to slink down to was thirty.
DAN throws his shirt across his shoulder.
DAN (playful)
You’re a doctor now.
JACK (solemn)
I’m a doctor now.
DAN
(nonchalant, pointing to his chest)
Does this mole look weird?
JACK
Is this a trap?
DAN
What, you don’t treat lawyers in your practice?
JACK
I try to avoid litigious people, in general.
DAN
I see.
(long pause)
DAN
(trying to remain chipper and friendly)
You’re back in the states!
JACK
Been back for a year now.
DAN
I wouldn’t have known.
DAN puts on the shirt, and then begins to unpack some items from his overnight bag: a toothbrush, a book, pajamas, etc.
DAN
And you’re here, tonight. Aren’t you?
JACK
With this line of questioning, it’s no wonder you can afford a place in Ritz Cove.
DAN (proud)
Have you seen my house, Jack? Our house? Mine and, well…
JACK
I’ve seen it. My grandparents live in Ritz Cove.
DAN
They do! That’s right. What street are they on again?
JACK
The street just above yours. I drive by your mansion at the bottom of the hill whenever I’m on my way to their mansion at the top of the hill.
JACK sits down on his bed and opens his own overnight bag.
DAN
I’m just starting out. The economy was a lot different when your grandparents were making their fortunes.
DAN and JACK each unpack a pelican figurine, similar in size and design.
DAN
Whoa! What are the chances?
JACK
Better than you’d think. I’ve noticed the pelicans populating your front lawn.
DAN
Jesus, you’re telling me. Sometimes when I pull up into the driveway, especially when I’m getting home from work late, I find myself getting flashbacks to the fucking Serengeti.
JACK
The Serengeti?
DAN
I went bird watching there a few summers back. Fucking traumatizing.
JACK
Some nasty pelicans in the Serengeti.
DAN
The figurines. The one next to the porch is three feet tall.
JACK
I’ve bought my grandmother one that’s taller than that.
DAN
So I’ll buy a new figurine every Tuesday. My partner and I have a weekly dinner at The Harbor Grill. Oyster night, Tuesdays. If you haven’t tried it, you should.
JACK
You buy them from the Ocean Institute?
DAN
Oh! Not there, Jesus. The gift shop right across from Harbor Grill. I’m sure it has a name.
JACK
The store you go to every Tuesday?
DAN
Yah. That one. But listen to this… I’ll place the latest figurine out on the lawn when I get home on Tuesday nights. Then when Nadia notices it out there on Wednesday morning, I’ll pretend like I don’t have any fucking clue how the thing got there. I started to tell Nadia that the figurines are reproducing, like the real birds do. She really doesn’t get why the pelicans are replicating up and down her lawn.
JACK
She sounds… happy.
DAN
She is.
JACK
I never said that I wished her to be… unhappy.
(short pause)
DAN (excited)
Yah! And look at you. You got your license! And now you’re a doctor… saving lives!
JACK
I’m still losing more patients than I’m saving. The first two or three years of a medical practice can be pretty difficult, for the patients.
DAN
Well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s not something that’s gonna change, Jack. You think my house is a palace, you should see this lawyer at our sister firm who works medical malpractice. Taj Ma-fucking-hal.
JACK
That doesn’t mean there aren’t good doctors out there helping people.
DAN
It means there’s a lot of doctors out there who aren’t doing no harm.
JACK
You think your perspective might be skewed? You’re coming at this from the legal perspective. You know what motivates lawyers, don’t you?
DAN
The legal perspective is the only perspective… and I can defend that statement all day long, Jack.
JACK
You’d think the truth would carry a lot more weight than your perspective.
DAN
My perspective is the only truth.
JACK
More true than the actual truth?
DAN
The legal truth, Jack, is the only truth that’s binding. A man dies on the operating table. The doctor did everything by the book, but when the court rules that the doctor was negligent, then he’s guilty, according to the law. What’s more important? The absolute truth? That the doctor did everything by the book? Or the legal truth: that the doctor is legally guilty of third degree murder, and he’s been ordered to pay two million in restitution to the family of his victim? The victim of his murder.
JACK
And they wonder how we got ourselves into this situation.
DAN
Discrediting evidence, that’s what I do, Jack. Who would have figured that someone out there would pay this son of a hard-hatter thousands to argue about a road, or some newspaper article?
(short pause)
JACK
It’s been three years since the, you know, what happened…
DAN
How about some alcohol?
JACK
(shaking his head)
I’m on duty.
DAN
Then why the bag of wine?
JACK
I don’t know.
DAN
Well, I do.
DAN walks over and grabs a bottle of cheap cabernet. He twists off the cap, and takes a generous swig.
JACK
I’ve had a few years to reflect on things. In regards to what transpired… Don’t you say a damn thing once I say this. (he takes a deep breath) I deserve my fair share of the blame.
DAN
I concur.
JACK
I said don’t say a thing.
DAN
Only saying that I agree.
JACK
And don’t you dare pass that along to Nadia. It doesn’t make you or her any less culpable.
DAN
That’s your perspective.
JACK
That’s the goddamn truth, and you know it.
DAN starts laughing uncontrollably and JACK laughs along with him, without explanation.
DAN
You were really sick.
JACK
I’m still sick, Dan.
DAN
Yah, but the thing, the immune thing, it’s better.
JACK
It’s dormant. Every day, every year, is a game of probability. If I roll a six, that’s it; I’m just walking around and treating patient after patient——though I’m not that talented——, and waiting for the six to roll. If it never rolls, then great. I just do what I can to keep busy nowadays.
DAN
You know, you and I… we were inseparable. Twenty years, the women would come and go… I’m just saying, it shouldn’t have come between us.
JACK
But it did.
DAN
I know it did.
JACK
And it still does.
DAN chugs the whole bottle of wine.
DAN
(forcing a change of subject)
That first mate. He’s quite a character.
JACK
He is indeed a character. They say he never breaks.
DAN
I know who John Davies is. I’m the one who got him here.
JACK
(as if intentionally egging Dan on)
He’s never once broken. Not a single slip. Not a crack on him. If that’s not a winning streak begging for a challenger, then what the hell is?
DAN
I bet I could get him to break.
JACK
Care to put your money where your mouth is?
DAN
You wanna place a bet, for old times’ sake? I’ll bet you ten bucks I can get him to break before sunrise.
JACK
I’ll bet you…
JACK pulls out all the spare change from his pocket
JACK
12 dollars, 33, 34 cents— $12.34 that you can’t.
DAN
12.34. 1-2-3-4. You see that? 1-2-3-4. In your pocket. What are the chances?
JACK
The same chance that dinner at Turks costs 50 minus 12.34.
DAN
Alright…
JACK
Do we have a deal? Before sunrise.
DAN
Deal.
They shake. DAN takes a swig from the wine bottle, but then realizes there’s nothing left.
DAN
I thought there was a little more in there.
JACK
You goddamn drunk.
JACK and DAN both laugh.
SCENE II.
The first mate’s quarters. A tall, wooden chair at stage center. The chair is an eyesore in the room, and it’s implied by its placement at the center-point of the scene that this is something John Davies has brought along with him to serve as a prop. The back wall is covered in holes, each about three inches in diameter. There’s a six-foot long duffle bag at PROOMPT’s feet, with something massive inside. A pile of bananas and apples atop a short dresser stage right. CRICKET stands over a desk stage left, and reads through the first mate’s hand-written journal.
CRICKET (reading)
Went to land this morning at twenty past six, in order to restock supplies following a series of misfortunes I encountered while trying to haul in a fish and supply my body with its vital nourishment. Inventory of purchased goods: twenty apples, ten bunches of bananas, fifty onions, ten pounds of salt beef. Total expenditures: two dollars and thirty-four cents… numbers, numbers, numbers. I then paid visit to the local blacksmith and invited the young man to visit me, at his earliest convenience, aboard the Brig Pilgrim. (he flips a few pages) I swiftly reprimanded the swindler, reminding him that I was no tyro to the sailing industry, nor virgin to the rake, and that I knew well the standard price for harpoon repair in these parts of Alto California: two dollars and twelve cents, on average, and never higher than three dollars and ten cents (he flips a few pages) having reached my limit of patience with the con, I felt obliged to challenge the young man to a dual (he flips a few pages) the next time he feels impelled to drag a rake, he should think twice before he sets his mark upon a humble seafarer.
CRICKET flips a few more pages, and then closes the journal; he looks to PROOMPT
CRICKET
(as HAWLEY, breaking character)
You really go all out, don’t you? I should tell you, from a young student of the craft, to a man whom I consider a master, that I admire your dedication to the art.
PROOMPT
(as PROOMPT, remaining in character)
The Pilgrim is my dedication, and the art is in the shipwrights who built her. I only watch over her. I’ve no art in me. I’m a simple manager of men.
CRICKET
Have you been living on board this, um… (having no idea how to improvise along)… have you been living inside of… (hesitant) her? (then worried, observing the back wall) What are all these holes in the wall?
PROOMPT
For the past fifteen years, I’ve spent nine of ten nights shutting my eyes right here in this chair. The comfort of curling up all cozy upon some mattress on firm land, the very nostalgia for it is gone from me.
CRICKET (confused)
You’re sleeping in a chair? You do realize there’s, like, a comfortable bed right behind you.
PROOMPT
I spin about when I lie flat.
CRICKET
Spin about?
PROOMPT
Promptly, into a fit of bile and vomit. The towering rollers don’t do well for my sensitive bowels. It’s no bother, Cricket. I’ve become acclimated to the chair.
CRICKET
A little over the top. Wouldn’t you say?
PROOMPT
Oh, if you could spend one night with me when I make that grievous error of lying in parallel to the Pilgrim, you would be grateful that I’ve chosen to pass my sleeping hours upright in this chair.
CRICKET
No, I mean… We’re still in the harbor, aren’t we?
PROOMPT
(with a threatening tone)
I remember telling you to take us out. I have a distinctively vivid memory of our conference. What did I tell you, Cricket? That I expected you to, what was that word I used: delegate, yes? To have us in open waters by midnight, then in line of the trade winds by six in the morning, passing Mexico City by noon Saturday. Have I conjured this memory out of the aether, Cricket?
CRICKET
(frightened)
You did say that you wanted to be in Mexico City within four days.
PROOMPT
PASSING Mexico City! Never do I wish to be IN Mexico City! How far to the Pacific Tradewinds? Six hours?
CRICKET
(fearful, struggling to improvise)
Yes. Six hours. And now that you mention it, you're right, and I am wrong… By Saturday at noon, we’ll be in, um, Mexico, First Mate Proompt.
PROOMPT
Don’t you take me to Mexico, Cricket!
CRICKET
I mean, passing Mexico… Mexico City by 12 noon, Friday.
PROOMPT
Well, the sooner the better.
CRICKET
(believing vulnerability will win him sympathy, he begins to open up)
I’m really out of my league. Today is my first day, and I was under the impression I wouldn’t be the only new actor… But it seems you’ve been living here for… weeks? Weeks, or perhaps even months.
PROOMPT
Actor?
PROOMPT stands up from his chair and approaches CRICKET, with suspicion and rage brewing within him.
CRICKET
Listen, brother…
PROOMPT
Are you Longfellow Prometheus Proompt? If not, then call me not your brother.
CRICKET
Oh, God! Chill! Chill! I know you’re like, deep in character right now. But, dude!
PROOMPT
Dude? You take me to be some Yankee DOODle?
CRICKET
I’m really fucking tired.
PROOMPT
Fucking? What’s that, are you speaking in some savage tongue? You’re not of mixed blood are you? Open your mouth. Show me your tongue hasn’t the dark spots.
PROOMPT inspects CRICKET’s face. CRICKET opens his mouth wide.
CRICKET
I don’t know how to play along in this act. I’m tired, and… and… and I’m going to sleep.
PROOMPT
Oh, no. You don’t slink off to sleep. Look into my eyes, Cricket. You’re an actor, you say?
CRICKET
I am an actor, one of two new actors in this troupe.
PROOMPT
An entire troupe of impostors, you say, has infiltrated my brig? (PROOMPT laughs) Prove this lie! When was it you could have possibly switched out my crew for actors? The short hour when I went to land to visit the blacksmith?
CRICKET
Wait. You actually saw a blacksmith today? Mister Davies…
PROOMPT
Your last warning, to address me by formal titles, Mate Proompt, or Mate, or First Mate, Cricket.
CRICKET
Does that mean there’s a harpoon… Is that what’s in the bag? Jesus! There’s fifty children on board, man.
PROOMPT
(full of rage)
I may be man, but on this ship, whether by crew or impostor, I will be called MATE!
PROOMPT whips CRICKET, and CRICKET cries aloud in agony.
PROOMPT
Name the other members of this troupe. We shall see if they reject this lie, or uphold your story of conspiracy against the Pilgrim. The punishment for false accusation and conspiracy is the same. Beware, Cricket, of holding fast to a lie for too long. For that lie might become your reality, and you’ll have to atone for your lie, as lie becomes truth. Do you know what the ship’s law says in regards to the punishment for conspiracy and false accusation?
CRICKET
(about to shit his pants)
You misunderstand me, First Mate Proompt. I am an actor, this part you understood (struggling to not fall into contemporary idioms or usages) in the um, in the proper, as I intended for you to understand it. I’m an actor, by hobby I am. By career, I am a sailor, like yourself, a sea-man.
PROOMPT
(relieved)
So it’s not really your first day, then, Cricket?
CRICKET
It’s my first day aboard the Brig Pilgrim.
PROOMPT
(even more relieved)
Ah!
CRICKET
But I come recommended as second mate due to my time aboard another ship.
PROOMPT
Of course! What ship?
CRICKET
The… (panicking) The HMS Beagle.
PROOMPT
H-M-S. Her Majesties’ Ship. Few build ships as fine as the Brits. Leave it to the British to conflate their art with some sycophantish tail-wagging cur, like the Beagle, a real pitiable creature. What model of ship is that, the Beagle?
CRICKET
It’s called a (poorly improvising) Darwinian.
PROOMPT
It must be a new model. How’d you come to work for the Brits? You're not one of those warmongers from (takes a dramatic pause) Canada? Tell me you’re not one of those northerner barbarians who still kneels for that obtuse wench, Victoria.
CRICKET
No! I saw an ad (struggling to improvise) in the classifieds.
PROOMPT
A classified ad? Where were you living? Not in England, I pray.
CRICKET
No… in, um, Boston.
PROOMPT
And the Brits picked you up in Boston! You’re not pulling a rake on me, are you Cricket?
CRICKET
No! No, I had to take a connecting… flight… voyage!… a connecting voyage to, um, Charles-shire, then we departed from the, um, English Channel.
PROOMPT
These are places I know very little of. You sound like a well-traveled man, Cricket. I’ll get some rest.
CRICKET
(his nerves begin settling)
Aye, First Mate Proompt. Let's rest.
PROOMPT
I will rest. If you sleep, then how do you imagine we’ll rouse the crew for the midnight watch?
CRICKET
I’ll set an alarm, Mate.
PROOMPT
(the character is unfamiliar with the concept of alarm clocks)
Who will sound an alarm if every man sleeps? Just set your eyes on that clock and wait for the hands to make their way to 10 plus 45.
CRICKET
(attempts to feign enthusiasm)
Aye aye, Mate Proompt.
PROOMPT closes his eyes, and CRICKET stares at the clock upon the wall
SCENE III.
The women’s cabin. KATHRYN ELIZABETH is asleep upon NADIA’s lap. LI sits on top of a desk across from them. Upstage of them, TEACHER 1, TEACHER 2, and TEACHER 3 are tucked into their beds, but still awake. DEDAI stands next to NADIA, hugging one of her legs.
LI
So let me get this straight. You come back from India, and you steal away the man that this one (indicating KATHRYN ELIZABETH) was falling in love with…
NADIA
(agitated at LI’s phrasing)
Reclaimed. I reclaimed the man who was mine and was never not mine to be claiming. Katy Beth was aware of the terms of her relationship with Dan. Or she wasn’t ignorant.
LI
I really don’t care about any of that. Here’s the part that piques my interest. So, after you return and steal away…
NADIA
(interrupting her)
Reclaim.
LI
(continuing)
Reclaim the man that this one (indicating KATHRYN ELIZABETH) has been falling in love with, for nearly a year, her response to all this, was to form a deep and lasting friendship with you, a complete stranger to her, and the woman who had taken away, (correcting herself) reclaimed, the man, who, as you say, she was falling madly in love with…
NADIA
That’s Katy Beth.
LI
She really is the sweetest little pretty thing.
NADIA
I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I’m telling you, that’s all just something that happened.
LI
Oh no, you had me from the start. Kathryn Elizabeth, you really are a charming little piece of rot.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(groggy, she pokes her head up)
You guys talking about me?
(then she immediately falls back asleep)
DEDAI walks over to LI, and begins tugging on LI’s trenchcoat.
LI
Why is the kid in here?
NADIA
She said she was feeling sea sick.
LI
We’re parked at the dock.
NADIA
Doesn’t mean she can’t feel sea sick.
DEDAI begins climbing LI’s leg.
LI
Whatever. Can someone please excise this thing from my leg?
LI kicks DEDAI off her leg
DEDAI
Can I have a lollipop?
NADIA
The lollipops are in Dan’s suit case honey. You’ll have to wait.
LI places her trench coat on the table. She undresses until she is wearing only her underwear and bra. DEDAI stares up at LI.
DEDAI
(pointing to LI’s chest)
What are those?
LI
These are breasts. You’ve never seen breasts?
DEDAI (copying LI)
Breasts.
LI
But nobody calls them breasts anymore, not in day-to-day conversation. So you should probably call them tits.
NADIA
We don’t need to teach Dedai these words.
LI puts on the trench coat.
DEDAI
(repeating the word she’s learned)
Tits.
NADIA
Dedai, don’t say that word.
LI
It’s fine. It’s just something girls have. All girls have them, after all.
DEDAI
I don’t have tits.
NADIA
Dedai, I mean it.
LI
No. You don’t have tits.
DEDAI
But I’m a girl!
LI
There are plenty of girls who don’t have tits. Earlier when I said all girls have tits, I misspoke. Young girls, such as yourself, typically do not have tits.
NADIA
You know, if you say it enough, she’s gonna remember that word.
LI
Wringing a contradiction out of some language game. It’s a good start, for finding some sense of meaning in the world. It’s not an acceptable substitute for an unyielding deferment of certainty, and the diligent uncovering of further evidence— because eventually, with language games, you find yourself tumbling down a slippery slope and into a leaden wall, a painful wall to slam up against when the slope is so, so slippery, and if you insist on continuing along this track, kid, you’ll just end up hitting the same wall that I once hit. There’s better methods we’ve come up with at B.J.I.A.S, and if these methods are no longer proprietary by the time you’re a grown woman with tits of her own, you should consider employing them in your own quest for purpose and meaning. That is, if you and your tits mean to get to the bottom of things, I mean really get to the bottom of things, and uncover the hidden truths that lurk beyond some of the more absurd governing principles that play out their tendencies in a universe that has somehow managed to give rise to the likes of you and me and our tits.
LI turns away from stage front. She removes her bra and underwear and drops them upon the desk. The THREE TEACHERS ogle her body. She ties the trench coat, and then turns back around to face DEDAI. DEDAI stares up at LI.
DEDAI
Can I have a lollipop?
LI
Now, be gone. I’ve said all I can say.
DEDAI
I want a lollipop.
LI
I mean it. Fuck off, kid.
The THREE TEACHERS sound off in a cacophony of indignation.
FEMALE TEACHER 1
How dare she speak that way to a child!
FEMALE TEACHER 2
The shame! Who does she think she is? Lady Jesus? Giving us The Sermon on her Mounds.
FEMALE TEACHER 3
Chugging wine like it’s grape juice, in front of a child.
The shouting wakes KATHRYN ELIZABETH.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
How long was I out?
The THREE FEMALE TEACHERS return to their previous activities, shaking their heads in disapproval as they settle down.
NADIA
Two hours.
LI
Katy Beth!
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (confused)
Don’t call me that.
LI (changing gears)
Now that you’re here with us, Katy Beth.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Seriously, don’t call me that.
LI
Why, on this night, did you decide, of all nights, to come aboard the Brig Pilgrim?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(still waking up)
You know why I’m here.
LI
Tell us, you’re not here to beg the lawyer to marry you, instead of the teacher Nadia, are you?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
She does this, Nadia. Just ignore her. I’m engaged, I’ll have you know, to my own fiance. Well, I might be engaged… to a nice young man, a doctor.
LI jots something on her pad. NADIA becomes concerned, staring at the floor.
NADIA
Oh, God.
LI (to NADIA)
It could be a coincidence.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
He comes into the Ocean Institute every Tuesday and he buys these pelican figurines for his grannie.
NADIA
Pelican figurines? (then, to LI) I’m starting to connect the dots.
LI (aside)
Connecting the dots: a slippery slope.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (continues)
He has a fine taste in crafts. I find that attractive in a man.
LI studies NADIA’s face. NADIA lets out a long, deep sigh. LI jots another note.
NADIA
(in a calm, comforting tone; she almost seems sympathetic)
I know why you’re here, Katy Beth.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (to LI, sternly)
Only Nadia can call me that.
NADIA (continuing)
I know why you’re here… You’re looking for that whale, the one the First Mate was rambling on about. It’s no coincidence that she’s looking for a whale and the first mate says there’s one out there in the harbor.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Yes, that one. Except it’s not a whale.
NADIA
When he was talking about that invisible will or whathaveyou, I remember well, he brought up the whale too.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s a shark.
LI
A Greenland shark.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Of undetermined species.
LI
Or a whale of undetermined species.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s not a whale; we know that, for sure.
NADIA
The first mate seemed very certain that it was a whale. You’d have thought he’d seen it with his own eyes, the way he said it, when he said it was a whale.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You can sound real sure of something, but it doesn’t mean you know what the hell you’re talking about, you know, not really.
LI
I came here to find a Greenland shark. That was my bias, and I’ll admit it. However, I will agree with the teacher here, that the first mate was incredibly convincing when he spoke about that creature out there in the harbor and said with such heartrending certainty that it was a whale.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The sample in our lab had scales.
NADIA
So?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
So it can’t be a whale!
NADIA
Maybe some type of whale that has a scale.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Oh yah, or is it a shark who’s fin hit the mark?
LI
Or maybe a dolphin who… fuckin'… went… golfin’? I picked a bad fish. Nothing rhymes with dolphin.
NADIA
Oh. Ha, ha! You’re making fun of me. You are, aren’t you? Oh, yah, I get it. Nadia’s not a scientist like us. She’s not college-educated like us two women. So let’s pick on her for being the nincompoop in this conversation among the educated, is that right?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (sympathetic)
Oh, no. Nadia!
NADIA (almost seething)
It’s a good thing she’s getting married!
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(sympathetic, but she can’t help but find some humor in NADIA’s outburst)
Oh my god! Come on, Nadia. We were just playing around.
NADIA (solemn)
It doesn’t feel good.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(sympathetic, kind)
I love you. Whales don’t have scales, not a one of them. It’s a rather useless piece of information if you’re not a marine biologist. But hey, now you know. The sample in my lab, it’s got the scales.
NADIA (still confused)
So it can’t be a shark?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(frustrated, but trying to be patient)
No! That means, it can’t be a whale.
NADIA
(losing her patience, almost comical)
I’m confused, it’s all so confusing.
LI
Always jumping to conclusions.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Say what now?
LI
I’m not so ready to make that jump, even if you are.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(as if expecting this by now)
Tell me more. Do tell.
LI
I’m not saying you’re wrong, or that the first mate is right…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(glares at LI with annoyance, drowsy by now)
Or that the first mate is right? It was his opening monologue. He’s a well-known actor!
LI
Yes, but even you’ll have to admit, there is a disparity. We should try to keep an open mind.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
That doesn’t make any sense, dude. Even by your standards.
LI
Why do things always have to make sense with you? (to NADIA) Something in her childhood, I’m sure. (then to KATHRYN ELIZABETH) Did your father ever, you know… (she points towards her own genitals)
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What the fuck? What kind of question is that?
LI
The constant need for order. MAKING SENSE, at the expense of everything else, perhaps, sometimes, at the expense of the truth.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(incredibly frustrated by now)
How do you expect to understand the world when you refuse every opportunity where you might be able to make some sense of it?
LI
(remaining calm and cool)
Because you’re missing so much that's right in front of you, rejecting anything and everything that, to use your phrasing, “doesn’t make sense, dude.” If I were to tell you that the doctor, Jack, your fiance, was once the fiance of your closest friend, Nadia… Would you say that too doesn’t make any sense?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (defeated)
Nadia?
NADIA (apologetic)
Katy Beth…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (defeated)
No…
NADIA, hesitating, nods her head up and down
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Don’t give her this one.
NADIA
Jack and I were together for six years. We were engaged to be married.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Six years!
NADIA
Six long years.
LI
Is it a whale? Is it a shark? We don’t know.
NADIA
I’m almost sure it’s a whale out there.
DEDAI
A shark is a whale.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (gently explaining)
No, honey. A shark is a shark, and a whale is a whale. A whale is a mammal, and you’re also a mammal. The whale is a mammal like you, Dedai.
DEDAI
I’m a whale.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(disappointed in herself)
Shit. No… You’re not a whale. You’re a mammal. And the whale is also a mammal.
DEDAI (excited)
I’m a whale.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s not like that, Dedai. One group of ancient mammals became human, and another group swam out into the ocean and turned into whales.
DEDAI
I’m gonna turn into a whale.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(alarmed, but also finding the child’s imagination adorable)
Oh, no!
NADIA
(takes a sip of wine)
I don’t care for it. (she takes another drink) I’m a human being, damn it. Of course, that’s not enough for these scientists telling us how to live out our lives. The rest of us just want to live in a world of humanity, you know. That’s all we care for: a world of humanity, where we can all live on with the consequences of being human.
DEDAI
I want a lollipop!
NADIA
No lollipop, Dedai. We’ll get you one later.
DEDAI
If you don’t give me a lollipop I’ll turn into a whale!
LI
Now, that would be absurd.
DEDAI
I’ll turn into a whale. And I’ll sink the ship!
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Oh, my god, you’re so adorable.
LI, KATHRYN ELIZABETH and NADIA look down at DEDAI.
LI
But she’ll be plain when she grows up, you can tell.
NADIA
(solemn, looking at KATHRYN ELIZABETH)
I have hope for Dedai. (then with levity, looking at DEDAI) Her dad has a great ass.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (laughing)
Nadia!
NADIA
Her mom’s got tits that all the other moms envy; tits that give the other dads dreams. All natural, grass-fed, massive tits.
TEACHER 3
Ladies!
DEDAI
(copying NADIA)
My dad has a great ass!
TEACHER 2 (snarky)
Hope you’re happy.
NADIA
Shit.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Oh, no! Undo! Delete. Revert to factory settings!
NADIA
Hey Dedai, can you spell your name for me?
DEDAI
D-E-D-A-I
LI
Is this how you make them forget?
NADIA
We’ll see if it works. Hey Dedai, can you sing the ABC’s for us?
DEDAI
A_B_C_D_E_F_G_H_I_J
(she forgets the rest)
NADIA
Oh, that’s good enough. Sing that part again.
DEDAI
A_B_C_D_E
NADIA
F
DEDAI
F_G!
(she forgets the rest)
LI
(mocking DEDAI)
And she doesn’t even get a lollipop.