"A Comedy of Realities"
Relationships are tested, as lovers from the past are forced to come eye to eye for the first time in years. Kathryn Elizabeth falls into a vat of fish guts, and begins talking to the Brig Pilgrim's mast, and a fish head.
CREATED BY:
JORDAN PAUL SULLIVAN
CAST:
ALEX SARRIGEORGIOU as Kathryn Elizabeth
RACHANEE LUMAYNO as Li Libai
CECELIA BONNER as Nadia
GRANT CLEAVELAND as Ponc
RAY HURD as Narrator
MUSIC:
Kyle Landry, Across The Universe (Beatles Cover)
"A Comedy of Realities"
Relationships are tested, as lovers from the past are forced to come eye to eye for the first time in years. Kathryn Elizabeth falls into a vat of fish guts, and begins talking to the Brig Pilgrim's mast, and a fish head.
CREATED BY:
JORDAN PAUL SULLIVAN
CAST:
ALEX SARRIGEORGIOU as Kathryn Elizabeth
RACHANEE LUMAYNO as Li Libai
CECELIA BONNER as Nadia
GRANT CLEAVELAND as Ponc
RAY HURD as Narrator
MUSIC:
Kyle Landry, Across The Universe (Beatles Cover)
SCENE I.
The first mate’s cabin. The spear from Proompt’s harpoon is stuck firmly in the stage right wall. Banana gunk covers the clothes and hair of both CRICKET and DAN. The gunk is pretty much everywhere in the room. The huge pile of bananas that previously covered the dresser is no more. CRICKET cowers against the wall, stage left. DAN is pulling on the harpoon-spear, attempting with all his might to loosen the object from the unyielding grip of the stage right wall.
DAN
I’ll say it again. That was my bad.
CRICKET
Holy shit!
DAN
I need to get me one of these. How much you think this thing set Davies back?
CRICKET (losing his shit)
There is banana sludge all over the place. Proompt’s gonna kill us both when he gets back. He’s got a gun, you know.
DAN (enjoying himself)
I think I’d take this thing any day over that civil war-era revolver he’s carryin’ about there on his hip.
CRICKET
Why are you playing around? Proompt isn’t playing around. Proompt shot at us earlier today. Just because some of the men were goofing off, Proompt shot at us.
DAN
Davies shot someone?
CRICKET
First Mate Proompt. Don't get me into the habit of calling him Davies, damn it. Proompt shot right past Ponc’s head.
DAN
It was probably a blank. How long since he left for, you know, wherever he went.
CRICKET
The bath—, not the bathroom. Don’t want that lecture again. The powder room.
DAN
Yah. How long since he left to take a shit?
CRICKET
I don’t know. Ten minutes ago he left.
DAN
You can relax, Cricket. It’s John Davies. This is what he does.
CRICKET
(with the fear of God in his voice)
He’s not John Davies. He’s Proompt, a first mate who happens to have great authority aboard this ship… Godlike authority. This is how first mates were back in the 1800s, and Proompt, whether you agree or not, is this brig’s mate.
DAN
So here’s how we handle this. You’re gonna help me clean up these banana guts. We’ll be polite to “Proompt” and apologize for the mess we’ve made.
CRICKET
That YOU made.
DAN
For the mess we made.
CRICKET (sternly)
Leave me out of this.
DAN
That way Davies won’t feel forced to follow through with his Proompt character’s zeal for punishing instances of, you know, shit like this. And everything will be honky dory. Got it?
PROOMPT (offstage, hostile)
Cricket! Why do I see no semblance of torchlight coming from the sailors’ quarters? The men snore and appear to still be fast asleep! Cricket, wherefore sleepeth my crew, damn you? (short pause, then more violent) Cricket!
CRICKET
Oh, God! Proompt told me to wake the children. Move!
CRICKET runs out. DAN removes his shirt and begins using it to wipe away the banana gunk from the harpoon spear. He then places the instrument back inside the duffle bag. He slides the apples over to where the stack of bananas used to be, in order to cover the hole he’s made in the wall.
PROOMPT
(offstage, as the door opens)
Cricket!
Enter PROOMPT, He is in a state of shock and horror as he looks upon the condition of his cabin.
PROOMPT (exasperated)
What fruity hell is this? Are we under attack? That’ll teach me to buy my dessert bananas from an Alto California savage. He sees me in my livery and tries to take advantage of my first mate’s salary. Then he has the gall to send me off with produce from his self-combusting stock.
DAN
I never heard of exploding bananas before.
PROOMPT
I’ve only come across them once myself, when I was still a young man working as a crew member aboard a merchant vessel. We stopped by the eastern coast of Jamaica to restock on supplies and procure some special tobacco, the important things, young sailor. It was there I saw my first and only banana combust into its elemental aromas and vapors. Until now! Did you see it combust?
DAN
I did. It got all over me, as you can see. The East side of Jamaica, huh? Which port was that?
PROOMPT
Puerto Anton.
DAN
That doesn’t exist. (aside) Does it?
PROOMPT
Are you sure, sailor?
DAN
Never heard of it.
PROOMPT
Do you know Kingston? I’m sure you do. It’s north of Kingston. Have you ever sailed Jamaica?
DAN
No, can’t say I’ve sailed there.
PROOMPT
That’s why you’ve never heard of it. Your reason for being in my quarters? Nobody should enter a first mate’s quarters without the mate’s express permission.
DAN
The other guy let me in.
PROOMPT
The other guy?
DAN
Your second mate, he gave me permission…
PROOMPT
Cricket?
DAN
I asked if I could come in, and he said sure. Then the bananas just, bam, exploded.
PROOMPT
Surely, Cricket knows better. He’ll be disciplined. Where’s your shirt, sailor?
DAN
Is there a dress code?
PROOMPT
If you’re not aloft in the rigging, then you’ll dress as if you were in a woman’s company. That’s the dress code. You’re inside the Brig Pilgrim. I won’t have my sailors offend the vessel by walking up and down her halls like you’re stromping about some cheap brothel in the Dakota Territory.
DAN
What you were doing in the powder room, that doesn’t offend the vessel at all, right?
PROOMPT
(he spots CRICKET in the hallway)
Cricket! I see you, Cricket. Get back here and clean up this mess. There’s been a war in here between apple and banana stock, and the apples seem to have made a most decisive conquest. Cricket!
CRICKET enters, with a mop and a modern-day industrial mop-bucket: bright yellow plastic, metal wheels.
PROOMPT
(outraged, as if bodily offended by the anachronism)
What torture rack holds your broom in this barrow of water? It’s been painted in such an obscene hue of yellow! I’ll have no broom sopping its wet filth around my quarters. Get it out.
CRICKET exits with the mop bucket. CRICKET re-enters. PROOMPT retrieves some filthy rags from under his bed, and hands them to CRICKET.
PROOMPT
Cricket, here. Get to work. If you want something done right, do it with your own two hands. No dripping brooms. I want the odor gone, too much sweetness is putting a strain on my nostrils. The sugars dissipated in the air have set the deepest innards of my nose aflame.
PROOMPT, exasperated by the smell, sits down in his chair.
DAN (aside)
This might be a little more difficult than I was anticipating. Davies is really dug in deep. There’s one method, a method that’s tried and true. It’s quick, it works, and there’s not much to it. There are some more nuanced methods for getting a person to break character, of course, but, I mean… why not start off with something simple… the old dependable?
DAN lifts his leg up slightly, and rips a loud, roaring fart. PROOMPT slides down into the seat of his chair, and his entire face is cartoonishly aghast.
PROOMPT
My nostrils, they are beset on two fronts. The sweet, and the foul.
DAN limps slowly away. PROOMPT whips DAN upon the back, and DAN hies towards the exit. As DAN is exiting, LI casually passes him by. LI stands up on the front edge of PROOMPT's chair, and opens her trench coat. It is implied that she is gyrating her bare genitals in front of PROOMPT’s face.
PROOMPT
Smooth as a seal’s nose! Ah! And there’s a third front. The musky aroma drowns out the others, and it mesmerizes… ah, so, ah…
PROOMPT dozes into a brief dream-like state. LI ties her jacket back up, and then begins to dismount from the chair. Before she can get down, PROOMPT snaps out of his trance, and lunges upwards, throwing LI with all his might against the stage right wall. LI stands up promptly, and she faces PROOMPT. They stand as if readying for a duel.
PROOMPT
No! Be gone you crimson fleshed, you beautiful, nymph, breath of hypnotic air, I will not vouchsafe myself to the subtleties of your luring, your base erotic desires. This is my vessel!
LI
Your vessel will be mine whether you permit it or not.
LI opens up her trench-coat again, and flashes her breasts and genitals.
LI
Subtle, am I?
PROOMPT clutches his chest and falls into his chair, exasperated. PROOMPT takes hold of his whip, and raises it in the air. LI runs out, laughing. She slams the door behind her.
PROOMPT (violently)
Cricket!
PROOMPT turns violently towards CRICKET who cries out in horror, cowering behind the bed.
SCENE II.
The main hallway.
DAN
You know, I’ve always wanted to meet a Chinese spy, so I could live out this little fantasy of mine.
LI
You have a fantasy, do you?
DAN
Yah, where I put my hands around the guy’s neck and I squeeze harder and harder until his head pops like a grape.
LI
I’m not a spy.
DAN
I don’t care what you call yourself.
LI takes DAN’s hands and places them around her neck
LI
You’ve had your fantasies. I’ve had mine. I’ve always wanted to meet a big strong American ape like you. I’ve desired to see the expression on your face when you realize, I’m nothing more than a small, delicate lily, waiting upon the water.
DAN
I really will choke you.
LI runs away.
DAN
Ah, those legs.
Exit DAN. Enter JACK from stage left and NADIA from right. JACK turns away from NADIA, and reaches for the door handle.
NADIA
I had a dream you died.
JACK
Was it a pleasant dream?
JACK turns back around and faces NADIA.
NADIA
I know why you’re here. I think you should leave before things get real messy. One of us might get hurt tonight. Probably you.
JACK
I can’t leave.
NADIA
You can jump into the ocean.
JACK
I considered it. You know I did, don’t you?
NADIA
You’re a farce.
JACK
You’re drunk.
NADIA and JACK look at one another with disgust. Suddenly, NADIA pulls herself towards JACK and forces an embrace. NADIA kisses JACK upon the lips.
NADIA
Nothing.
JACK
Fortunate for you.
JACK breathes out into NADIA’s face
NADIA
What’s the matter with you?
JACK
Can you smell it?
NADIA
What?
JACK
The vomit.
NADIA
(looking upon JACK with condescension)
Ha!
JACK spits some vomit on the floor.
NADIA
You really did vomit? Oh, you’re a real piece of work, Jack.
They stare at one another with disgust. JACK kisses NADIA, and they embrace for a few moments. NADIA pushes JACK away, wiping tears from her eyes.
NADIA
The dream was nice while it lasted, wasn’t it?
NADIA passes JACK, and exits stage left. JACK exits via the left door. KATHRYN ELIZABETH enters stage right, holding DEDAI by the hand.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (downtrodden)
Oh, Nadia. Do you really not believe that anything you sequester away in your private keep I couldn’t just steal it all back, with an ease that should be terrifying to you?
The left door opens unexpectedly, and DAN walks out. KATHRYN ELIZABETH hides under the tricorne hat, and walks towards the right door. DAN grabs KATHRYN ELIZABETH by the elbow, pulling her face to face with him.
DAN
You know, there’s a difference…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(interrupting)
There is!
DAN
Between…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (interrupting)
Between what?
DAN
Between refusing…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (interrupting)
Refusing who?
DAN (frustrated)
Would you shut up for a goddamn…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (defiant)
How long?
DAN (remaining calm)
There’s a difference between refusing to meet somebody, and snubbing that someone when you happen to encounter them live and in person.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Aw, I’m a somebody?
DAN
A whole year together. A nice little time capsule, stored away in our memories. If one of us were to just snub the other person, a whole year after the whole thing was sealed and stowed away…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Okay, Dan. Hello, Daniel. Have a good evening, Daniel.
She begins to walk away.
DAN
So you’re gonna snub me after all that?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Do you know what my last memory is of us?
DAN
Come on. I told you time and time again…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (returning)
You said one thing with your words, and something very different with your body. Your emotions can speak volumes. Can I go now?
She begins to ascend the stairs.
DAN (shouting after her)
Well, now that we’re in the middle of a conversation, there’s no need to rush off… Unless you gotta, you know, hit the powder room, as they say in the 1840s. (short pause) That means take a shit.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (offended)
No.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH stops at the bottom of the stairs and turns back towards DAN.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
We were never as sincere as Jack and Nadia, were we?
DAN
You don’t want to be that sincere.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
If it was that sincere, you really think it’s something two people can just put behind them?
DAN
Well, I suppose there would have to be feelings, of some sort, you know, like that shell left behind where those feelings used to live. Enough to know that the other person is still a part of you, but minor in comparison to how they once lit up the night sky. It’s like the way I feel about you. You know what I mean. I’m sure you have those feelings too.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I have no feelings for you.
DAN
I mean the minor ones.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Not even.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH touches his chest lightly, as if apologizing.
DEDAI
I’m bored.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Me too. Can you take her, dude?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH passes DEDAI off to DAN.
DAN
Sure. I should go help Nadia round up the other kids for the night watch.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Alright. (noticing DAN seems upset) Are you okay?
DAN
You feel nothing? Nothing? Come on. Nothing?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Not a thing. Do you want me to lie?
DAN
No, I don’t want you to lie.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Then I won’t.
DAN
You see, this is why. It’s marred now.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I know. I’m sorry.
DAN
You shouldn’t be sorry. I should go.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I shouldn’t be. But then again, I won’t lie. I’m sorry.
DEDAI
Can I have a lollipop?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Man, this girl is really into lollipops.
DAN
Good for her. You’re gonna be popular with the boys some day, aren't you, Dedai?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Pervert.
DAN
That’s why Robert Riggles designed the lollipop the way he did, to look like the head of a penis.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What?
DAN
Don’t come at me and call me a pervert, just for knowing a little trivia about corporate history in this great country of ours. It’s important to know some of that history when you’re part of that lineage.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Bullshit alert. Bullshit alert.
DAN
No. Get this. In consumer testing…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Bullshit alert.
DAN
In consumer testing, Rob Riggles concluded that girls found that the whatsitcalled kind of shape—you know, Saturn and the ring— to be more appealing than any of the alternatives: spherical, concave, oblong. The only model that tested better was the lollipop that was an exact candied replica of Riggle’s own penis.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(she bursts into laughter)
Okay, definitely bullshit.
DAN
Look it up. I swear on my marriage, it’s the truth. They felt the Saturn ring wasn’t as overtly sexual as the Riggles penis model, whether that’s with or without the cock-ring.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Oh my god, your poor marriage.
DAN
And so they went with that Saturn-plus-rings molding, since it would make the Riggles company less vulnerable to lawsuits from certain mothers. You know what sort I mean.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I have no idea what you mean.
DAN
The type who might be confused by their lusting for the lollipop in the shape of Riggles’ genitalia and their outrage about the how the lollipop is prematurely sexualizing their prepubescent daughters.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I’m gonna look that up when I get back to the lab. I think you’re fabricating again. How’d you get so good at fabricating?
DAN
It’s only fabricating until it becomes agreed upon by the majority, then it’s the truth.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You and I never had a good understanding on the difference between fabrication and truth.
DAN
The advertisers for Riggles Corp, they do what they do for a reason. You never see a middle aged fat chick with hirsutism sucking the lollipop on the Riggles posters, do you?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Is Riggles a real brand? Why do I feel, out of left field, that Riggles is a real brand of lollipops? Get the hell out of my head.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH begins to leave
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s a lesson, not emotions that I’ve stored up in my own time capsule. Goodbye, Dan, goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye. I’ve gotta head up to the deck. I should start looking for my shark.
DAN
It’s a shark then? I’ve been telling everyone it’s a whale out there.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH laughs and begins to walk away. Before she reaches stage right, KATHRYN ELIZABETH turns back towards DAN.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Dan, what’s the legal definition of madness?
DAN
Having thoughts or ideas that are outside the, I don’t know, purview of social harmony. If you want the legalese you can look that up too, when you’re researching the Riggles Corp.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
There’s a sick sort of social harmony aboard this ship.
DAN
Well, you know, like, who gives a fuck. You do what you gotta do to, well…
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
To what?
DAN
To, you know, fucking...
DAN points his fingers, in the shape of a gun, in KATHRYN ELIZABETH’s general direction. DAN pulls recoils his hand back, as if shooting his finger-gun.
DAN
Kill.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH laughs, playfully
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Ride on, Cowboy.
Exit DAN, through the far left door
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The Greenland shark, how does such a dumb, cold, slow-moving shark take its bite out of a lightning-quick seal? Maybe the shark doesn’t have to rely on its natural abilities. Not its speed. Not its appearance. Not even its intelligence. It has none of those. Perhaps, all the shark has to do is convince the world around it, as it dreams on there for 500 years, that it’s as harmless as a rock, planted on the bottom of the ocean. The seals swim over to the rock, and one may even look for shelter under that frigid body, not realizing until it’s been caught by the dreamer… that it has wandered into a place where none in their right mind should have ever dared to adventure, risking it all: life, limb, everything the seal loved; everything the seal only thought it loved.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH exits stage right
SCENE III.
The deck of the Brig Pilgrim. All is black, except for a sliver of moonlight, and a box of light coming up from the stairwell. KATHRYN ELIZABETH and LI sit on the starboard side of the ship overlooking the harbor water. LI is wearing her flannel top and shorts from earlier.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I can see my bed in the moonlight.
LI
The moonlight on the water makes me nostalgic for my hometown.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s really dark. If it wasn’t for the moonlight I don’t think I’d be able to see my own feet.
LI
Is it usually this dark?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s probably a rolling blackout.
LI
Are we still in the harbor?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Yes.
LI
I can’t see anything.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You can almost see a pale reflection there in the foam-line on baby beach.
LI
A beach for babies?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
A beach with no waves.
LI
How’s that?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The ocean is kept out by the jetty, the waves are banned.
LI
I don’t hear waves colliding against a jetty.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I do. There!
LI
Nope.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Maybe.
LI
Maybe we’ve traveled through time.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Now that’s a speedy conclusion.
LI
Just thinking out loud.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
In a way we have traveled back in time. This is probably what the harbor looked like back in 1835.
LI
Reminds me of a poem I read when I was a young girl. The poet wrote about falling asleep on his couch while staring at the tree in his courtyard, and then upon waking, he realized he was outside the whole time, resting under that tree, looking in on his couch, and his jug of wine.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
How’d you get out here?
LI laughs, and then KATHRYN ELIZABETH laughs along with her.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Do you have a problem?
LI
The universe has a problem.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What’s that?
LI
It has no purpose, but to expand, and then end.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
How’s that?
LI
The heat death of the universe is coming on, faster than we can appreciate. Time is relative and a trillion years can dissipate in an instant. Spacetime will fracture, and there will be no heat, no information, no meaning.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You can’t go on thinking things like that.
LI
When little pockets of the universe develop some momentary sentience or even, you know, intelligence, as you and I have here, we should do whatever we can to drink up all the pleasure that we can manage, while time permits.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You need to have a little faith in the universe.
LI
It’s irrational.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I think you have a problem.
LI
There are a few downsides to being raised with no religion. You have no story to fall back on.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I was raised a Christian, but that’s not what I fall back on. There are other things. I have my family.
LI
Purged.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Oh, that’s right. I’m sorry. (she quickly attempts to change the subject) We’ve transported through time, you say. What’s your theory?
LI
I can’t.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s 1840. Don’t make me get Dan up here. He’ll tell you all about how there’s this thing called terms of endearment (malaprop: statute of limitations), that says if an event happens so many years ago…
LI
Stop. (short pause), fine… B.J.I.A.S believes there are black holes.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Obviously.
LI
Millions of them.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
This is known.
LI
In the earth’s oceans.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What!
LI
And we believe they’re large enough, that they have sufficient mass, to allow for time dilation.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH laughs, and immediately feels guilty for laughing, noticing LI’s discomfort.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I’m sorry.
LI
We’ve only explored 5% of the ocean.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
But black holes? Is that even possible?
LI
What do you mean?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Mathematically?
LI
We don’t adhere to mathematics.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What! You don’t believe in math?
LI
We use mathematics, but we aren’t devoted to it. It’s led scientists astray in the past.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What!
LI
1 + 1 = 2 is the most faithful function we know. 2 + 2 is less so.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s 4!
LI
It’s less stable though.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s 4!
LI
Not as often as 1 + 1 is 2.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What!
LI
Once the numbers are large enough and the functions complex enough, believing in the output of a mathematical function is tantamount to undertaking a religious observance, since you’d be trusting the solutions based on formulas that are not purely logical.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What! But, dude. Black holes in the ocean? The math would have to be really wrong. I mean, really wrong.
LI
Once we find the things, the mathematicians can come along and figure out how all their little numbers fit our observations.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
But black holes… Millions of them?
LI
Thousands. Millions. We can’t be sure.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You believe in numbers, I’ll take it?
LI
Our evidence suggests that if they do exist, they exist in multitudes.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What evidence?
LI
It’s proprietary.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Goddamn it. You do understand why I’m hesitant to believe in anything you say?
LI
The holes in the ocean, they’re not the sort of holes we’ve studied in space. These would be massive enough to distort time, but too small to become stable for more than a few seconds.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
A black hole can slow down the flow of time, but it wouldn’t take us back in time, not that I’m an expert in holes.
LI
I’m not telling you to believe it. I’m not convinced either. Keep an open mind.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
If my mind opens any further, my sleepy little brain will spill out.
LI gets up, and stretches, and then looks around.
LI
I’m heading to the poop deck.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The back of the ship?
LI
Is that where it is?
Exit LI.
LI (offstage)
The poop deck looks nice and quiet and dark.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Careful it’s not a black hole… or a bung hole.
LI (offstage)
What are you, five?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I don’t know, does 2 plus 3 make 30?
LI (offstage)
Don’t embarrass yourself.
Enter JACK, from the stairs.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Why do they call it the poop deck?
JACK
It’s from the French.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
French for what? Poop?
JACK
I have no idea what it means.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s where the French pop a squat and their asses start chirping "le poop, le poop, le poop.”
JACK and KATHRYN ELIZABETH laugh
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s like a whole different way of living, on board a ship. The most rudimentary English, deleted, find and replace, no more left, no more right.
JACK
They still use left and right. I’m sitting to your right.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You’re sitting to my starboard. Wait, no. You’re sitting aft of me. Also known as poop-ward.
JACK
No, I’m sitting to your right. The sailor uses words like port and starboard in situations when he’s referring to the anatomy of his ship, in this case, his brig.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What makes it a brig?
JACK
It has two masts (he points with his finger): the main mast, and then a second mast, called the foremast, since it’s in front of the main.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You really must be coming down here every week. You’re almost like one of the crew now.
JACK
In medicine we take the same approach to human anatomy. More anatomical terms like distal, dorsal, anterior, replace up and down, back and front. It shows that the object is worthy enough to be categorized into its organizing parts and figured out. By giving an object, such as the poop deck, a name, you bring that object to life, and give it dignity.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Not much dignity.
JACK
The nomenclature takes a pile of wood and ropes and canvas and constructs a brig inside the minds of those who sail upon it, work upon it, live upon it.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Now that’s what I feel like! In the minds of everyone else, a big pile of flesh and bone and brains.
LI (offstage)
And rot.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Go away.
JACK
Is she spying on us?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
She’s trying to figure out how to time travel, is all.
JACK
Interesting.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
No, really. She intends to travel through time.
JACK (matter of fact, philosophical)
To where? The present is all that exists.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What?
JACK
There is no past or future.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Since when?
JACK
Since now.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Who said so?
JACK
A man who lived many thousands of years ago.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You mean, like, in the past?
JACK
He was a man wiser than anyone here in our time, and who no longer exists, not here, not there, not in some place we’ve deemed the past.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Every second that passes, we’re gradually creeping into the future. There it is, there we go: time traveling.
JACK
I’m afraid that’s not the case. There is nothing out there: no comfort of belonging in the future, no comfort in knowing that the past will remain a part of us.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You always this chipper, man?
JACK
The present is like a ship, traveling through the ocean. The present is moving, but the past and future, it’s all just water.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (distressed)
Jesus.
JACK
Do you happen to know if she has any intense preoccupations with her own mortality?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I’m gonna have PTSD after this conversation, dude. Who the hell we talking about?
JACK
The Chinese girl.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Li? A fear of death… I’d say.
JACK
There’s this notion that the past is preserved on some shore. Time travel is a figment of this belief. But there are no shores. Just water.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I’d say you might be preoccupied with your own mortality too. What do you want me to do with this information, jump off the ship?
JACK
It’s funny.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Finally, something funny.
JACK
When you’re healthy, you’re mostly preoccupied with your own mortality, but when you’re sick, you become more concerned about the people you’ll be leaving behind. Your preoccupation with your own mortality subsides. You’re just ready to move on.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
How’s that funny?
JACK
I try to remind myself that everyone I know will be dead soon, so it really doesn’t matter that much.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Fuck me. Where’s the punchline? In the future? The one that doesn’t exist?
JACK
There’s something about you.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
That’s nice. We’ve been talking a lot.
JACK
What else is there, stuck on a tall ship, but to talk?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You could kiss me.
JACK
You want me to kiss you?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You’re here, so it might as well be you.
JACK
I am the one who’s here, and you’re also here.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Oh, Jack.
JACK
And you look so stunning, there, with the soft moonlight combing through your hair.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You don’t always get a second opportunity at romance these days. If it does come along, you take it.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH leans forward and closes her eyes. She puckers her lips, and waits patiently to receive the kiss. JACK overshoots KATHRYN ELIZABETH’s lips, and delivers a modest kiss upon her forehead.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (playfully)
On the forehead! Well, don’t wait up for me Jack if I faint on you.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH falls upon the deck and lies there for a moment. JACK stands up and exits. KATHRYN ELIZABETH doesn’t know that JACK has left.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I’m starting to envy the harbor fish and the way the pelicans eat them up so passionately.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH sits up and looks around.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (confused)
Jack? Did you really just leave?
Enter LI
LI
Any progress?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
No… and no shark sitings down here either.
LI
We’re not really here looking for a shark.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You seem to be confused.
LI
No, you are. We’re trying to get you laid.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
And here I am, engaged.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH stands up and takes three steps backwards. She trips and falls into a giant vat of fish guts. The tricorne hat falls to the deck, remaining dry.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What is this? Has the harbor laid a trap for me?
LI
No, it’s that vat of fish guts. I almost fell in earlier.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Did we stray too far outside of time, Jack?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH climbs out of the vat. LI appears offended by the smell.
LI
Jack left. You don’t remember?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Then who’s that?
LI
That’s the mast. Is your head okay?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The mast? Which one, main mast or foremast?
LI
I don’t know. The front one.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Foremast!
(addressing the mast)
Good! Announce to the pelicans out there in the harbor, my good man, that there’s an all you can eat smorgasbord aboard the Brig Pilgrim. Let them know, my good man, and advise them, they should come get some of me while it lasts, because there’s not much of me. My only stipulation is that they take the stench of the harbor back with them. That’s the memo, dispatch it promptly, my good man.
LI picks up a small rope from the floor and ties it around KATHRYN ELIZABETH’s left wrist.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(continuing, to the mast)
What’s that? A fine question, my good man. The pelicans wouldn’t see me at all. It’s nice to have a good man looking out for a good prince. Send out the dispatch: we’ve modified our menu. They can have the fish guts, but they are to leave my rot alone, since that’s for another to notice.
LI
Come with me. You’re talking to a pole.
LI leads KATHRYN ELIZABETH towards the stairwell
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I’m fine. Is it time for the watch? I had to get something off my chest. It’s gone now.
LI
It’s still there. Try not to look down.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH touches the fish head tucked between her breasts
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
You mean this, Li?
LI
Oh, god. Let’s find you a shower.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Ah, it’s fine, Li. Don’t be startled. If I can’t settle for a man, then I can settle for a fish.
LI
Its head at least.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
What are you, friend, a shad, shiner, trout? Announce yourself!
KATHRYN ELIZABETH pulls out the fish head
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Ah! Claudius.
LI
Claudius?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The minnow. I knew him well, Li.
LI
I really hope not.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The minnows in his troupe were always such a serious lot, subservient to a tee, ever adhering to the will of the school that moved about their smaller noses. But not Claudius, no. He was a fish of infinite jest, who swam at the front line, and with just one quip could send the whole school into a frenzied rupture, and put every shrunken brain in mortal jeopardy. His bravado and good humor got them through the oil spill and the second oil spill, but alas…
(holding up the fish head)
it seems you didn’t make it much longer. You couldn’t have been far past your seventh year.
LI
You’re talking to a minnow’s head, which means you must have hit your own. I’ll call for the doctor. Let’s get you to a bed.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Get thee to a nunnery, Horatio. The Prince of Denmark has more pressing matters.
LI
You’re losing blood from your head.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
It’s the sport, Horatio. Blood may be drawn, but fret not, for I won’t be dying of the insult.
LI
Let’s get you to a bed.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Li, did something hit me?
LI
Is Katy Beth back?
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
I’m ready to strike!
LI
Ten seconds ago you thought you were the Prince of Denmark.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
We’re no longer in the year 1840, are we?
LI
We might be.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
Ha! You’re the one losing her mind.
LI
I’ll take you to that nunnery.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
The minute you walked in it wouldn’t be a nunnery anymore, you lascivious whore. I’m sorry. Nymph is your calling! Do what you must.
LI and KATHRYN ELIZABETH walk into the light of the stairwell
LI
Oh, god. I’m gonna puke.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH
(holding up the fish head)
What’s this? A fish head?
LI
Seriously, stop. Why are you still holding that?
Exit LI and KATHRYN ELIZABETH.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (offstage)
Why’s he look so familiar? Hold him for me?
LI (offstage)
Oh god. I’m gonna blow. Let’s see if they have any running water down here.
KATHRYN ELIZABETH (offstage)
I saw a mop bucket in the hallway.
The central box of light is all that remains upon the blackened deck. The shouting and hollering of children is heard coming from below deck.