Margie Coltharp's journey from playing victim to finding self love.

Struggling with alcohol can feel like a lonely battle, but Margie Colthorpe's story offers hope and community. In our latest episode, she shares her courageous journey from addiction to recovery. Margie's turning point came with a medical emergency, which prompted her to embrace self-acceptance and embark on a path of enlightenment.

Her story is a poignant reminder of the complex relationship between alcohol, personal struggles, and the search for self-worth. Margie's transformation underscores the power of self-love in overcoming addiction. Through candid conversations, she reveals how the allure of alcohol fades when one embraces their inherent worthiness.

We also explore the healing power of facing pain and the importance of setting boundaries aligned with core values. Margie's coaching venture, Brave Space, is dedicated to helping others navigate their own journeys with confidence. Her upcoming masterclass promises to equip individuals with the tools to live authentically and in harmony with their true selves.

Join us for a heartfelt dialogue that serves as a lifeline for anyone seeking a path out of darkness. Margie's story is not just about sobriety; it's an invitation to experience the freedom that comes with true self-acceptance.

Margie's website: https://bravespace.coach/

Unwined Bookclub: https://www.alcoholfreedom.com.au/unwinedbookclub

Bella's alcohol freedom group coaching: https://isabellaferguson.com.au/

MEG & BELLA

Megan Webb: https://glassfulfilled.com.au
Instagram: @glassfulfilled
Bookclub: https://www.alcoholfreedom.com.au/unwinedbookclub

Isabella Ferguson: https://isabellaferguson.com.au
Instagram: @alcoholandstresswithisabella
Instagram: @kidsandalcohol

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:02

Hey, it's Meg here, and before we get started with today's episode, I thought I'd jump on and share a bit about what Bella and I have been up to outside of this podcast. So, as you may know, bella and I both have our own businesses and I'd like to tell you about a program each of us are offering individually at the moment. Now, both of these start on May the 1st, so you've still got time to sign up If you are looking for connection and community support. Isabella has a six-week alcohol freedom small group coaching challenge From May the 1st. You get 12 meetings on a Wednesday and Sunday, daily videos and membership in a private Facebook. Jump on Isabella's website to learn more wwwisabellafergusoncomau.

Speaker 1: 1:50

And me, meg. I'm starting up a book club with fellow this Naked Mind coach, reena. Have you transitioned to an alcohol-free lifestyle, but you are missing a supportive community? Well, we've created Unwind Book Club, a space where we combine coaching, connection and great reads to support each other's journeys. If you're curious, please check out wwwunwindbookclubcom. Now, all of these details will be in the show notes. So now on to today's episode. I would love to introduce to you Margie Colthorpe. Margie is a life coach and also a friend whom I've had the pleasure of meeting through this Naked Mind, where we are both coaching together on the PATH program. I'm thrilled to be speaking with Margie today. Welcome, margie.

Speaker 1: 2:40

Thank you, megan. So good to be here. It's so good to have you here Now. Would you mind starting by telling us a bit about your story and what's got you to where you are today?

Speaker 2: 2:52

Oh, yeah, sure, how much time do we have Days? I'll give you the abbreviated version yeah, so I won't go all the way back to childhood, but it all started, like so many of us, from childhood and not feeling a certain way. And at 14, you know, went to my first party and someone handed me a beer and I got the quintessential feeling on top of the world and all of my social anxiety went away for a 14 year old and, yes, I was 14, drinking my first beer. But all of all of the things that I felt so badly about just took a back seat and I thought, okay, well, this is the answer, this is the social lubricant that I've been looking for to feel like I fit in and feel like I'm accepted. And so I turned into a fairly heavy drinker in high school and then, through college, I kind of got serious. I still, you know, did my fair share of university or college partying, but I discovered the love of learning, and late in life, if you will. So it didn't really start back up again until I was married to my first husband and we had our son and we had moved from.

Speaker 2: 4:26

Well, we moved from Nevada to Kentucky and we it was right after graduation and he had his first big job and I had my first big job trying to raise a son and the pressure was just immense and I was pretty much single-handedly raising our son and trying to develop a career. And you know, life got very lifey and I started drinking more heavily but still maintaining Still. I was always what I would consider functional and kept it together enough. But I was also in the hotel business and that was my undergraduate major. So in the hotel business it's all about entertaining clients and play hard, work hard in that order Play hard, work hard, play hard, so vicious loop. So I got quite good at that and subsequently got divorced, moved to Tennessee and met my husband that I have now and continued building our family.

Speaker 2: 5:38

He introduced me to wine, which I had never been a wine drinker before, and that was the ticket because beer was just you know that was the ticket because beer was just you know. So I learned to love a good red wine, a good white wine, and you know the pressures of growing a career and having the family and all of the messaging that women got in the this was in the 80s and 90s was you can have it all. You can work hard, you can build your career, you can climb the corporate ladder, you can have perfect you know, perfectly behaved children, you can have the big house. And so I bought into it hook, line and sinker. My husband current husband also was, you know, career, building his career. And so together we were, you know, saying okay, it's my turn, okay, it's my turn, and just the stress of it, I think, was really the impetus for ramping up the drinking.

Speaker 2: 6:38

But it was all covering that basic insecurity that I had about not enough. I had a lot of not enoughness and so climbing the career ladder really felt like I was on top of the world, knowing that I was drinking more than I should. Looking around at all of my peers, I was drinking more than they were, but I was still functional. I was drinking more than they were, but I was still functional, I was still on top. I was still, you know, good at what I did and getting lots of accolades. And then you've probably never heard this before but then COVID happened. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. So my position was eliminated and all of the insecurities came roaring up, as far as not enoughness and if I'd only done this or that.

Speaker 2: 7:36

And so my husband was off working, trying to keep it together in his job. My daughter was, is a nurse and was working in the hospitals during COVID. So I had a lot of anxiety. And in the US, you know I don't know about the rest of the world, but liquor stores and bars were considered essential workers. I couldn't find toilet paper, but I could find all the wine I wanted, absolutely Full advantage of that. So, you know, waiting until five o'clock went out the window, it was start drinking whenever you want to and drink as much as you want to. And my sweet husband was, he never had a crossword to say about how much I was drinking, he never had a crossword to say about how much I was drinking. And and I, you know, I thought, ok, well, this is my life now, because at the time I was 62. And had hoped to finish out my career on my mind, too old, you know, to start looking for a new career, new job opportunity. And so I had the longest, most intense pity party that.

Speaker 2: 9:03

I, you know, could possibly have that I, you know, could possibly have. And then my blood pressure started to creep up and my daughter, being a nurse, asked me to start monitoring my blood pressure, and so I did. I'll make this kind of short. One day she asked me what my blood pressure reading was and, not being a medical person, I said I was like 205 or something, I don't know. And her eyes got big like yours. I said, mom, you need to go to the emergency room. I said, emily, it's four o'clock in the afternoon. This is prime drinking time. I'll sit in the ER. It's COVID. No, I'll be around a bunch of sick people. She won. I went. The doctor said you need to quit drinking. And I said, very funny, it's COVID, very funny. And so I went on blood pressure medicine.

Speaker 2: 9:55

But that started the conversation in my head of maybe it is the alcohol, because I would. I refused to admit that. And then that was September, around Thanksgiving, christmas, I don't know what it was. I started seeing ads for this, this naked mind, this funny name, this naked mind. And um, although I had always, I had done many dry Januaries in the past and given it up for Lent, done Whole30. I thought, okay, I can quit anytime I want to. But then I thought, well, why not give it a try? Why not give this naked mind funny named Annie person a shot at this? And so I paid the money and just really went through a big head trip.

Speaker 2: 10:50

Between the time I signed up and the time it started, new Year's Eve was my last drinking episode and I thought, well, if I'm going to quit now it's New Year's Eve, I might as well just let it rip. And I did. And I was not prepared for what I experienced in the live alcohol experiment. I had never felt so much love and compassion and kindness from total strangers. So I made it the whole 30 days and said I'm fixed, I'm cured. I got this until I didn't.

Speaker 2: 11:30

So I continued to do the work and stayed with this naked mind in the various programs, the path, and live naked. And I thought you know what? I've always my background was in human resources. I've always my background was in human resources and I had spent 30 years in training and development, curriculum writing, coaching, and I thought I need to do this. So it was a real calling.

Speaker 2: 11:59

It wasn't. I had pretty much resolved myself to being retired and but I thought you know, I'm not done, I'm just not done. I've got the skills, I've got the passion for this, I've seen how it works and I wanted to help people. I wanted to help people feel what I felt and have what I had, which was complete and total freedom, and have what I had, which was complete and total freedom. And so I was accepted into the coaching institute and six months later I had my coaching certificate. And a year plus now, later, here I am and I've never, ever, felt more fulfilled and happier than literally than ever, um on an, you know, daily, ongoing basis. So many, many thanks to uh, annie Grace.

Speaker 1: 13:00

Thank you so much for sharing, margie. There's a lot that I relate to in what you've said and even though we work together, there are things I didn't know. You know that you've just talked about and, interestingly, I think almost all of the people I've spoken to on the podcast have kind of ended their drinking career in different ways to you, because yours was a medical thing, and that's interesting to me because often that doesn't change people. You know what I mean. It can be too hard, but it was just such great timing for you to find this naked mind and you did mention a lot about not being enough and this naked mind comes down to working on those inner wounds.

Speaker 1: 13:45

Oh my gosh yes.

Speaker 2: 13:46

I was not prepared for that whatsoever. I really I didn't have any preconceived ideas for what I would experience. But once the initial haze of alcohol lifted and I heard a coach, he actually was answering a question of mine and he looked right in the camera, piercing blue eyes, and he said Margie, you are worthy because you are. I never heard that before, megan, and I just it was uncontrollable. It just I had never heard that before and certainly never said it to myself, and I thought, wow, a perfect stranger made me feel worthy. And that was so powerful. The power in those words to know and believe that I was worthy changed everything.

Speaker 1: 14:50

Yeah, well, I got goosebumps then, even though I've heard you talk about that before, it still has that effect. And it's so incredible that something that was a one line from a coach changed so much for you and even though you stopped because of a medical thing you've, you were drinking because of these deep beliefs, yes and um. And that's what we find on this journey. And if anyone hears that and thinks, oh, this is what makes us successful, it's the change, it is looking at this because our whole life and you said at 14, like I was like that too and I had this deep belief of I'm not enough, I'm not lovable it directs our life I come across so many people who and we all thought we were the only ones right, I know I did.

Speaker 2: 15:40

I thought everybody else has their act together. Everybody else loves themselves. You know what's wrong with me? But the more people I meet on this journey and in this wonderful ecosystem that we have, the more I realize it's common to not feel good enough, to not feel love for yourself, and I can't tell you pinpoint when that happened or how that happened. It just happened.

Speaker 1: 16:12

Yeah, and it's a work in progress, like it's this journey that you and I are on, that we keep learning and it is a process to learn. It sounds a bit, um, I don't know, woo, woo is that the word of you know loving yourself? But it's all my life I've done self-help and I guess that's been something I've heard, but it's only now I know what it means and I'm doing that work like you, and it's just changed so much. But because these are deep beliefs, it takes.

Speaker 2: 16:41

It takes time, it takes time and you hear it, you hear over and over and over. So repetition is really part of it. And uh, you know, I say to clients now, when you discover that you cannot identify a benefit that alcohol gives you, when there is no benefit to alcohol in your life, you won't want it anymore and it almost. In my experience so far it has come down to self-acceptance, self-love, and it is a process. You're right, megan, it's a process that it can take months, it can take weeks, but when you know, you know, you know like the penny dropped and I said there's nothing alcohol can give me, that I need Nothing, and that was like well, what took you so long?

Speaker 1: 17:47

Oh, I was the same. What took me so long? But it's also the one thing that we don't really want to look at or give up, and so, for me personally, I tried everything else so that I could keep the alcohol in my life.

Speaker 2: 18:05

I went into the January live alcohol experiment kicking and screaming and clawing and saying don't take my wine away from me. How can I live without wine? How can I socialize without wine? How can I fill in the blank without wine? How did I function with wine, is what I say now. How did I function knowing what I know? Now you know, it's like a complete turnaround?

Speaker 1: 18:36

Oh, 100%, and I was the same. I am the same. I should say how did I function? You mentioned being high functioning and I come across many women who that's it, we were high functioning. And I look back and I I see this deep exhaustion that we just got so used to, you know, and I truly question that. You know, how the heck did I do it?

Speaker 2: 19:02

A lot of under eye makeup a lot.

Speaker 1: 19:04

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 2: 19:06

I can remember waking up in the morning and saying, how bad is it? The first thing I would do is I'd go look in the mirror and say how bad is it. Are my eyes black? Yeah, okay, how much am I going to have to cake under there to get you know to look normal?

Speaker 1: 19:20

absolutely it's. I know and you know what that's. Just um triggered a memory for me that towards the end of my drinking career I actually would gag every time I brush my teeth and I just felt that sick. I didn't realize at the time but I mean, oh, I just I think back and think how awful that I got to that point and it was normal, you know, and I'd be looking in the mirror, like you said, and how bad are my eyes today? You know eye drops, oh, and we find on this journey there are so many people that understand that oh yeah, oh yeah, oh.

Speaker 2: 19:56

And you know, I'll hear people when they first start out and I'll say, yes, yes, that's exactly. And they're like how did you know? Because we are all the same, you know, we're all different, but we all have this one common denominator and the great equalizer that is alcohol dependency. And once they come to the realization that it's not their fault, it's not my fault, it's not your fault that we got addicted to a highly addictive substance, and now it's not time for the pity party, it's not time for the. You know, not me, not me. It's not time for the pity party, it's not time for the. You know, not me, not me. It's now, is time to say I know enough to be responsible for myself, which is eye-opening and sometimes hard to admit to. You know, it's that push, pull, push, pull yeah yeah, that's what.

Speaker 1: 20:58

That's what we say. You know where it wasn't our fault, but we are now taking responsibility and, um, yeah, I it is. It is hard to admit these, so much of this journey is hard to look at, but the benefits of doing it is incredible and, like you said, you weren't ready to just go into retirement and that, and we we found this calling on accident, but it's such a strong. I'm just so glad to be doing this, as as you are, and amazing what can happen when, when we were in a place where we thought we didn't want to change you, to now right.

Speaker 2: 21:38

Right, and you know, did I have regrets about because I think about this often and a lot of people will bring that up I wish I would have done this 20 years ago. I wish I would have done this 30 years ago, and that's a very common thought too, which I had, and you know why didn you know, why didn't I? You know why didn't I see what was right in front of me and why didn't I make some changes then. But who I am today, I would not be who I am today, I would not be ready for this, had I not gone through all of the messiness and all of the ugliness that went along with being addicted to alcohol, and the great appreciation that I have now would not be here. You know, having the opportunity to work with people and to meet people like you, and you know some of the other colleagues that we have. That would not have been possible had I done this earlier or in another way. So I don't say I have regrets anymore. I have acceptance and I have gratitude.

Speaker 1: 22:49

I am at a point where I am so glad I've had the history I've had and that might sound weird to some people hearing what you've just said and what I've just said For me, I have no regrets anymore. I had to work to that, no shame, just acceptance, like you said, and gratefulness, like you said. I'm so grateful I had that.

Speaker 2: 23:13

And, at the same time, I think there's a miss misconception about well, once you get alcohol free, then you're good and everything's great and every day is like sunshine and roses. And I, I went through just this morning um of a uh, an hour with a shaman who was helping me uncover my teenage angst, my, you know, healing my inner team. And I thought when I went into it, I thought, oh, I'm, I've done the work, I think I'm good. I was a puddle halfway through I, because all of these, you know, these things are just so deep. All of these, you know, these things are just so deep.

Speaker 2: 24:10

And now that I have the clarity of mind and the openness to continue to pull those rocks up and look what's underneath and deal with them, I don't think I'll ever be finished with this journey, but it is so. It is rewarding in a painful kind of way, if that makes sense, because when I realize I have the internal, I have power within me to make these changes, to continue to heal, it's very empowering, um, and not not scary like you would think. It's very empowering and not scary like you would think. It's really, really empowering.

Speaker 1: 24:42

That makes total sense. And, just interestingly, this week I've done some work. You and I use a tool called the Act in our coaching and Annie taught us that but I've been working on my teenage years funnily enough, we're crossing over here, um, and I discovered something that, even though I've been doing all this work for two years, um, it's been a massive like aha moment for me, and it's not. It doesn't? I think what I've learned is it doesn't have to be massive traumas, and I felt guilty about not having massive traumas, but in this journey, I've realized that our brain, as a kid or a teen, it is a trauma to our brain.

Speaker 1: 25:27

There's no scale of trauma, basically, and my big, big find this week and it's hard to say, but it was that I felt ugly to the core as a teenager. I I just, um, I hit puberty and I changed and I just felt unlovable, you know, and that's something I've only just recently got to the bottom of, and so I understand that you've just discovered something recently too. It is ongoing but so rewarding and it helps us understand ourselves and why we chose a substance, because we didn't want to feel these horrible things right, right.

Speaker 2: 26:14

And that's why it's so counterintuitive to think why would I want to continue to dredge this up when it hurts so much? And the only words I have for that is because the more I heal, the more I love myself and the more I have to give yeah and receive.

Speaker 1: 26:40

Right, so it's, it's very self-fulfilling yeah, and by doing, you know, digging into these, it takes the power of these old beliefs away. That's why we do it. Um, because we have covered and I say this with my clients we've covered these emotions and feelings for so long because, of course, we didn't want to feel them. But feeling them is scary, but it's as we've learned, it's not as scary as we thought it might be. You know, I can sit with my feelings now and and just let them flow through my body, and that's something I never experienced, obviously because I was numbing them.

Speaker 2: 27:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was either numbing them or keeping them up here and intellectualizing them. Yes, and the idea of letting my emotions drop down into my body was quite interesting. Difficult, yeah, because I had tried so long. I was quite good at compartmentalizing and I was. I had gotten really good at saying think but don't feel, think but don't feel, and that did not work in my favor.

Speaker 1: 27:56

I needed to feel but not think yeah, totally, I know, and it's such a hard thing. It doesn't sound hard, does it? But that's exactly right. We can be logical about everything, but until we feel it it's staying up there, like you said the, the two things, the two turning moments for me.

Speaker 2: 28:17

One was the coach telling me I was worthy, and then the second one was when we were talking about shame and victimhood and yeah, the victim triangle, yeah, and I was learning about that. I had always, you know, because I had to be tougher than everybody else. I had to be able to in order to be successful, in order to be functional. You know, you have to build this muscle that says you know, nobody's going to get under my skin and nobody's going to stop me, and you have to have this real kind of type A mentality. And so I'm like I'm no victim. That was my big thing. It's like I've never been a victim, I'm not a victim.

Speaker 2: 29:05

And when I learned about that and I realized, I thought about all of the experiences leading up to where I was at that point and all of the times where I had relationship clashes, whether it was work or personal life, it was totally victim mentality. I was the victim and I was blaming the persecutor and I was looking for the person to save me. And when I realized that, it was like, can I cuss a little bit? Yeah, hell, no, I am not a victim. And that led to a whole new avenue of exploring. When was I a victim? What is the victim pattern? How did that show itself? What's the origin of that victim mentality? And how do I then say, like you said, change the beliefs, I'm not a victim, I'm not. You know, I don't believe that I'm a victim, I was acting like one, for sure. But that was a pivotal moment, because then I could say no longer do I hide behind.

Speaker 1: 30:25

It really wasn't my fault, it was his fault or it was her fault right, yes, and it is a pivotal moment and it takes courage and strength to change that belief. I most certainly had a victim mentality and I no longer do for the most part. Thank you so much, margie, for sharing today so vulnerably. Can you tell everyone listening where they can find you and what you're doing now?

Speaker 2: 30:53

Sure, I'd love to. So the name of my company, my coaching practice is called Brave Space. My coaching practice is called Brave Space and on the web I am brave spacecoach. That is my web address. I am currently coaching one on one clients and I'm very excited about a masterclass that I am offering next week, starting on the 22nd. I put together a five-day training class in chunks, so all five days. It's about an hour or so. It's totally free, and I built it because I did not know how to set boundaries.

Speaker 2: 31:40

When I was drinking right, I thought I did. I did not know how to set boundaries when I was drinking Right. I thought I did. But I was either coming on too strong and saying hell, no, you know, and doling out rules, or I was caving in and saying yeah, I'll do that, when I really didn't want to do that.

Speaker 2: 32:00

And in talking with a group of friends, we were talking about boundaries one day and there was one of my friends who was really in a bad spot. Someone had put her in a really awkward position, and so I said let's work on that together. So we both went through the same alcohol-free journey same time and I said let's work on that together. So I said you know I'll coach you, although I didn't know what I was coaching her on at the time. But what we realized together was that people who were addicted to alcohol and then you know, no longer, were needed to learn certain things all over again.

Speaker 2: 32:46

And boundaries how to set boundaries was one of those things, and in the research that I did, I came up with a coaching program that I use just with my friend, and what we did was we created our core values and connected those to the boundaries, and what we found was that for her, especially in this awkward situation, was once she was clear on her core values, the boundaries were easy, because she did not want to violate her own core values. So being able to say I won't do that I value fill in the blank, too much to allow myself to do that. That was the beginning of this whole. Okay, this is, this is needed out there.

Speaker 2: 33:39

And so I followed her success and then I put it into practice myself and I thought, wow, that was another thing, megan, who I don't remember anyone ever teaching me about having core values. I mean, all through school I never learned other than what the sisters and the priests were saying about what my balance should be, and so I put together this package and I thought this could be a training class. So starts on Monday and I'm so very excited about it and if anybody wants to learn more about it, they can email me at margie at brave space dotach, and I don't know if that can be in your show notes.

Speaker 1: 34:26

Yeah, definitely I'll pop it in the show notes. That sounds amazing.

Speaker 2: 34:30

So it's not too late to sign up and again, it's completely free and I'll have a little workbook that people can work on their own core values and design their own boundaries.

Speaker 1: 34:42

people can work on their own core values and design their own boundaries.

Speaker 2: 34:48

That's so cool. Margie, can you just give us one example of a core value? Yeah, so, and this is one example that I use in the masterclass. So what I realized is that my number one value is I want to live in peace. So I grew up with a lot of chaos around me, and I was never comfortable when I was in a situation where there was a lot of chaos.

Speaker 2: 35:11

And then I realized, in doing this work, it's like oh, peace is what I've been looking for, and so one of the boundaries that I had I don't want to give too much away, but a friend of mine put me in the middle of her partnership fights.

Speaker 2: 35:30

So she fights with her partner and I went along with it because she's my friend, right, and I wanted to help my friend, and so I inserted myself into the middle of something I should not have been in, and then I realized this is not bringing me peace, this is bringing me chaos and it makes me very uncomfortable.

Speaker 2: 35:51

And so I worked on a boundary with her to say, basically, I'm not doing it anymore, but in a way that kept the relationship strong. And that's the important part about boundaries is when we learn how to create them and communicate them, which is also part of this class. The communication part of it is equally important to the boundary itself, because it's possible to strengthen at least maintain, if not strengthen relationships with a well-structured boundary that is communicated in the right way. So, yeah, I can tell you my five core values, but basically, yeah, we work on what are your top five core values, because we can have hundreds of values, but that can all get lost, right. But if we focus on the top five core values because we can have hundreds of values but that can all get lost, right. But if we focus on the top five, most important, it really helps every decision that you make going forward yeah, that sounds incredible.

Speaker 1: 36:54

I'm so excited sorry I really got carried away, but I'm very passionate. No, that's wonderful, and that's exactly what I wanted you know, for people to hear about what you meant by that, and that's so I feel like I want to sign up, so I'm sure you'll get some. I'm away next week, otherwise I'd be there, but that sounds brilliant, margie, and I'm so happy that you're on this journey and I've got to meet you, so, thank you. Thank you for coming today and sharing with me and the listeners. Oh, thank you for having me.