Toxic Relationships: Tactics That Can Stop You Getting Into Narcissistic Relationships

Can you imagine a life free from the shackles of toxic relationships? We are here to tell you that it's not only possible but necessary for your well-being. Dr Amen Kaur shares her own personal stories of our own battles with harmful relationships, chronicling the crippling fear they induce and their ability to cloud our self-perception. We tackle the issue head-on, discussing how to detox the negativity and replace it with an awakened sense of self-worth.

Exploring the concept of authenticity and alignment in relationships, we unravel the complexities of people pleasing and its impact on our lives. We delve into our own experiences with the visceral vulnerabilities and shame that toxic relationships often bring, offering insights on how to rise above. We also highlight why understanding your life purpose is crucial and how it can guide you to the right partner. Amen shares about a unique program that she has designed to assist you on this journey. As we round up, we discuss the undeniable role of love in relationships, the intricacies of narcissistic relationships, and the importance of treating yourself with the love, compassion, and kindness you deserve. Strap in for a transformative ride to reclaim your life from the clutches of toxicity.

Resources
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Eman Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner knowing, your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. One of the biggest issues we have to face is the fear that controls us. Once we've been in a toxic relationship, that is. The biggest issue that we face is the fear we have, sometimes even fear of success as well as fear of failure. It's a really awful situation to be in, because then we feel completely stuck. This is what the narcissist basically uses to destroy us, because then we have this fear of we're not good enough and if we are able to get success, we're not deserving of it. Underneath all of that, you know the pain is this underlying belief system that's in our subconscious that we're just not good enough, we don't do enough, anything right. All these belief systems definitely need to be healed and addressed. It's really time to stop and evaluate, because if we don't what we're doing on the outside. In the outside world, it doesn't really matter, because inside, deep inside, you don't feel like you're doing good. You don't feel like you are good enough, and that is the issue that you're living with day in, day out.

Speaker 1: 2:13

I think narcissistic relationships are much more than just a relationship that you've been through, an awful, toxic relationship. I actually think narcissistic relationships are like our wake-up call. It's actually an opportunity for you to awaken in every area of your life. It's like a spiritual awakening. There's an opportunity there to actually genuinely wake up and actually sense and be who you truly are, rather than what the narcissist wants you to believe, so that you're no longer driven by limitation, fear and people pleasing. We don't need to be relevant for other people anymore. It's about you being you so that you're not limited, but you're actually seeing that you have so much potential. You're not being limited by fear, but the love of living your life is what's pulling you forward. You're not people pleasing. You're trying to express your talents and your gifts into the world so that you can help evolve people as well as yourself. You don't need to be relevant and important for other people. It's really important to evaluate.

Speaker 1: 3:44

How can you be you, how can I be me? And it's so hard to stop in life where we worry about work, we're worrying about doing, we have put ourselves into these rat rays where we've got so many different responsibilities and the trauma is actually pushing us and living our life for us. So how do we stop realistically, when the narcissist on top of everything has given us so much responsibility to hold everything together in our life and it's almost like everything's just going to fall apart and everything's just going to break down and it's holding on with a small thread it feels like sometimes. How can you stop when so much is dependent on you right now? How can you actually heal?

Speaker 1: 4:38

So what I'm going to say to you right now because if you've been in a toxic relationship is actually looking at your value system. Your value system is going to be broken and just bear with me on this you probably have a lot of good values, you're a good person, but remember, they have devalued you. It's part of the cycle of being in a toxic relationship. That is a big part of the cycle. They devalue you. That's part of the cycle. They love, bomb you, they devalue you, they hoove you up and you go round and round and round and then they discard you.

Speaker 1: 5:22

You go round and round this is part of the cycle is you have devalued or been devalued and in some level, you've got a different understanding of your work and of your value, and that means that now you don't value your own need for peace. Your own need for your needs and your need for peace is a big one, and this because this is something that we all crave so much. When we've been in toxic relationships, it's like a luxury where we really want to feel peace, just peace within ourselves. And the reason why you don't feel peace is that we have devalued our own needs in these cycles, because the narcissist has trained you, bit by bit by bit, to do this, and you might have heard. It's much like you know, if you put a frog in boiling water, they will jump out because they can sense that this is boiling water. This is dangerous for me, but if you turn the heat up slowly, the frog will stay in the water. The narcissist has trained us bit by bit, bit by bit, to devalue our own peace, our need for peace, our need to beat us, and what we've got to do is take a moment to actually look at our value system, to take a moment to look at our self-worth.

Speaker 1: 6:58

You don't value your own peace as much as you did. You don't value your own growth as much as you did, and it's really time to reflect on that. And actually you need to be real. You know you've valued your happiness more than you do right now. It might be that you're still craving for that. You're craving for peace, you're craving for happiness, but you don't feel that you are worthy of it, like you used to. Yeah, so just look at your world right now and you'll see how crazy things are.

Speaker 1: 7:35

No matter how much money you have in the bank or the house that you live in, if you can't be you, if you can't be yourself, you're feeling a lot of pain, and what we do is we learn how to manage more and more pain every day until it's unmanageable. And that is what the narcissistic relationship is it becomes unmanageable. But this can be your wake-up call as well. In every area of your life, even though it's really, really difficult, it could be a way for you to really find happiness. Even if it feels like there's no way out and you can't see a way out. You don't realise. We don't realise if we don't deal with the things that we've got stuffed back in our closet in our lives, like how our parents treated us or how we felt as young children when we weren't seen and heard, even if you were loved For all of us, if we live in this world and there's something that has happened to us and for many people it might be really dramatic and for many people it might not be dramatic at all.

Speaker 1: 8:54

But if you don't actually heal what's happened and sometimes people don't even talk about it to nobody you could have intimate relationships for years, close friends for years, and they don't even know such deep-rooted pain that you're carrying. But if you don't deal with that pain, what ends up happening at some point is that the very things that you're hiding actually destroys your potential. And this is your sign when you've been in a toxic relationship. It's a huge sign saying you've got to start working on the old stuff, You've got to start dealing with the trauma so that you don't hold yourself back, you don't sabotage yourself moving forward, because otherwise you're believing that you're not worthy of having what it is that you are worthy of having. You feel like you're devaluing, there's a sense of devaluation and you allow yourself to tolerate somebody to come in and devalue you bit by bit, step by step, a little bit, more and more each day, and then you'll start to believe that there's something wrong with me, and you might not believe it on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level you might start to believe that actually there's something wrong with me, but that very thing could turn into your power, the thing that the actual feeling of there's something wrong with me can be the very thing that actually stops you and say I want to heal whatever it is. Because if you can heal that misperception, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, you've got some healing to do. You've got some trauma that you need to heal. And if you can heal that, you can connect to an inner power that you didn't know was there within you. Sometimes you might get glimmers you know glimpses of that power that you, that you know vibrant self that you have. And that is what you need to go inward to actually connect to, rather than going outward looking for validation from the narcissist. It will help you.

Speaker 1: 11:19

Look, go inward. All of us have to go inward. There's no coincidence you know coincidence that if you read scriptures, religious scriptures, or hear what mystics have to say, or you know any enlightened gurus, they all say go inward. You know you get the, the gurus that say you know, follow me. But they're not. They're not really following the scriptures. Anyone that's authentic will say to you go inward. Everything you need is within you. The kingdom of heaven is within and so many people have heard this. But they don't go inward and look inside their own closet and release the old. You know we need to do a declutter of our actual closet every now and again and look at our clothes and actually release some of those clothes. You need to go inward within yourself and the very reason why you know I I think people really relate to me.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Not only have I studied what you need to do to you know, heal yourself from toxic relationships. I've also been through it. I've had to actually face what you're seeing and facing right now. I've had to feel that vulnerability that you felt. I've had to feel that helplessness and hopelessness. I've had to feel the shame of being in that kind of relationship, of allowing somebody to hurt me, the anger, the injustice, the sadness for actually getting into the relationship with analysis where I had to come to terms with. I allowed this to happen. Now I'm doing a air quotes around, allowed for a reason because it's not that straightforward. It's not that you allowed it to happen, but those thoughts go through your head. Well, I can't believe I allowed somebody to treat me this way.

Speaker 1: 13:23

I used to care about what people thought of me, and that allowed the narcissist to control me because I was a people pleaser. That's how I grew up people pleasing, but I didn't know the cost to me, the cost to my peace, the cost of my, to my peace of mind. I was actually putting other people's worth opinions above my own. I valued their thoughts of me above my thoughts of me rather than how I thought of me. I wasn't even listening to my thoughts. If I did hear some of my thoughts, I would have to go and validate it with somebody else. I was too busy trying to work out what other people were thinking of me then, actually, being in the moment being me, I was.

Speaker 1: 14:20

You know, people pleasing is the biggest trap that the narcissist use. It's exhausting. It's such an easy trap to fall into. It's a big, big hole. As soon as we get into a narcissistic relationship. People pleasing is is the worst thing. It actually kills, where we no longer even know who we are anymore because we're too busy trying to be everything for other people. Sometimes we have to make difficult decisions and one decision is letting go of people pleasing, letting go of what other people view us at what, how other people might view us, and really learning to be there for you.

Speaker 1: 15:10

Realize that your greatness came, comes from living your purpose, where you have to accept your strengths, your talents, your greatness that is within you and that means you have to be you. You see, the most greatness comes from learning that you being you is you being great. But we're conditioned and if we didn't have all this conditioning that we had to please other people and not be ourselves, life would actually be really easy because you would just be you and you would be great. You'd actually listen to your gut instinct and it would tell you no red flag, turn the other way and run. It would be easy to evaluate what do I care about? How do I want to be treated? What's important to me? What brings me peace? Does this person bring me peace? Do they bring me joy? What am I inspired to do when you have got something pulling you forward to really be you, and we're following our own guidance system, doing what it is that is asking us to do, you will feel like you win every day, like every day, you'll be a winner.

Speaker 1: 16:31

It starts with really facing the trauma, though, and starting to face it rather than run from it, and it's normal not to want to look at your trauma. It's absolutely normal to do it, but when you can actually see why it's important, you'll actually start to value yourself more, and then you'll start to have this sense of inner success because you'll feel so much peace, you'll feel harmony, because you start to feel like your full, authentic self. So, if you have had a couple of toxic relationships and you've taken this time and you've then reflected and you realise that actually you know I have trauma, and then you do the healing work and then you go out on some dates and you start having some fun and you start connecting with people because you're being more of you. You start feeling like yourself again. Then the question comes like how do I know I'm choosing the right partner? And this is a really big question, because and a lot of people fear this if they've been in toxic relationships, it really is a concern.

Speaker 1: 17:57

And the question I say to people is you have to ask is do you know where you're heading? Do you have your purpose clear? Do you know what you want in your life, what your purpose is? And I think a lot of people get messed up in like trying to find people that compatible with you. Now, you know, just having fun, just being in the moment, just right now. We've never really delved deep enough to know what their purpose is. And it's not about actually telling this new partner what your purpose is, where you want to go and your life plan and things like that, because if you do meet analysis, they will just mirror back to you what it is that you're saying to them. But you need to, within yourself, know what you're moving towards, what is your goal, what gives you meaning in life. And if you are aligned with that other person and they haven't just told you what to you want to hear because you haven't told them but you're noticing what it is that they're really heading towards you can see them taking action. They're not just talking about it, they're doing it, they're living it.

Speaker 1: 19:17

You see, life is a journey and we're all on a journey, every single person's on a journey and there's lots of different people on a journey to different places and say, each of us on that journey, and we'll make it realistic. Like, imagine that we're on a journey, me and you, and our destination is New York, for instance, and we both want to get there, and it's then so then we can say, okay, we can have, we're heading in the same direction. I can see you're heading towards New York, I'm heading towards New York. You know that's good, we're heading in the same direction, we're going to the same overall goal. Then you can see that you're compatible in the relationship.

Speaker 1: 20:05

Then we have to look at our value system. So imagine, you know our values are basically how you are traveling there. So that's important, you know, we find out why. You know we look at why. You know why is somebody going towards something? And that is your purpose. You can see, okay, why. What gives them purpose? You know what is their why in life, why are they doing what they're doing? Delvin, find out, you know why are they doing what they're doing, what is their purpose, what drives them? That is their why. Yeah, and then you can see okay, that's what they're heading towards, that's their location, that's their New York. The why the vehicle that you're traveling in is is your values and that is your how. Yeah, so you might have found great chemistry with somebody, but actually the why is not aligned. Your destination is not aligned. You can't make this work. It doesn't matter how great the chemistry is, if you don't have your your why aligned. Why you're? You know your life, what's what drives you. You won't be able to get to the same destination. The how is how you're journeying together. Are you flying, are you going by car, are you getting a bike? Together, that's your how. What? That's your values.

Speaker 1: 21:34

Because you know if you're in a relationship with somebody that you you're not aligned with, you're not going towards the same goals, it's just a pretence and your values aren't aligned, then it's very short lived and it's going to be an illusion. So you need to really go deep. You've got to find a real person underneath it. That means that you've got to do the work first is really understand what is your purpose, why are you here? What, why? What motivates you every day to get up and jump out of bed? And then you've got to look at how you know you want to move forward in your life? What are your values? How do you want to live your life as you journey through? So then you start seeing other people for who they are, but you need to do that in a work first, rather than you just believing they're heading in the same direction or location that you want, but actually they're really going somewhere else.

Speaker 1: 22:45

If you can align with your higher purpose in life, then you can align with somebody else's higher purpose in life or understand what their purpose is, and then you can really thrive in relationships Because you're on the same track. And that's where magic happens in relationships. It feels good because you're aligned. It's much like a car. When the car is aligned, if there's bumps in the roads, you can manage those bumps. You know you can manage anything that's happening, and if you're both heading in the right direction, then if somebody falls or if someone's hurt or if someone's ill, you take over. You're going in the same place, in the same journey. In the same way. You can actually support each other, and that's where you get people that are bringing you higher and higher. They're supporting you to become the best version of yourself, and that is what you want Someone that supports you and someone that you can support too.

Speaker 1: 23:58

You know, actually loving someone is really important to us. Being able to love someone and being loved is so important, and part of the reason why narcissistic relationships are so difficult is because they don't let you love anyone. They don't allow you to feel that joy of loving somebody you know and then being loved. And if this is something you want, you want to get to know what your purpose is, what your direction is, so you know where you're heading and make the most of 2024.

Speaker 1: 24:33

Then do look in the resources section. I have a really deep dive program, which is four months it's very, very intensive where we get you to really look at where are you heading, what is your vision, what do you want, so that then you can really delve in and look and see what is it that you want, moving forward in a relationship, in work, in any area, in every area of your life. So do look in the resources section. I do take on a limited number for the Heal to Thrive program. It is a four month program and you can make the most of 2024. You can start it and be in a different space. The most important thing is really start being loving and compassionate and caring towards yourself for what you have been through and start being kind. You know whatever happens if you get anything from me, that is the key thing I want for you, mostly moving forward Till next time.