Toxic Relationships: Healthy Vs Narcissistic Relationship

Ever wondered why the cycle of narcissism continues to ensnare us, even though we're aware of its toxic patterns?  We delve deep into the forces of toxic relationships and their impact on our lives, exploring how to harness the transformative power of trauma, turning it into a catalyst for personal growth. Dr. Kaur will guide us on how to tap into our own superpowers, and the importance of long-term consistency to unearth our authentic selves, ultimately adding value to other's lives and finding joy in our journey.

As we navigate the challenges of healing, our discussion pivots to the importance of aligning our actions with our intrinsic values and purpose, rather than being influenced by the need to please others. Dr. Kaur enlightens us on the incredible power of self-healing and the ripple effect it can have on future generations. She’ll guide you on how to ignite that inner voice, guiding you to make choices that are right for you. We also discuss the powerful role of love in the healing process and introduce you to the Heal to Thrive program, specially designed to facilitate your healing journey. So, are you ready to embark on this transformative journey towards recovery, self-discovery, and purpose alignment? Let's get started!

Resources
Are you ready to break free from the pain of trauma?

Sign up for Dr Amen Kaur's brand new course Reclaim Your Power HERE:
https://www.innerknowing.life/power

Dr. Amen Kaur is currently accepting applications to work with her in a transformational program Heal To Thrive, which is a deeper 4 month programme.  Spaces are limited and serious enquiries only.
Apply to see if you qualify for a free 121 consultation with Dr Amen Kaur or someone in her team here.  Download your FREE Webinar below:
https://www.innerknowing.life/masterclass

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Eman Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner knowing, your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. Why do we feel so unstabilized by the narcissist? Lots of people ask me this question and sometimes I get really frustrated about this. So we're gonna really unpack this. Narcissism happens in cycles and you might already know the cycles. Yet, no matter how much you know about narcissism, the body, because it keeps score of everything, it's trained to hope that things will change. There is a chemical, biological reason why, even though you logically know everything, it's not a logical game. This in terms of healing from the trauma of narcissistic abuse and because we have got this hope that things will change. The problem is we still get hit really hard, even though we consciously know that this is a cycle. It's gonna come again, and I've heard so many times people say look, I know that this is the cycle, I know, but yeah, I still get sucked in. Why is that? Why am I getting so frustrated and angry with themselves? The problem is that destabilization, that feeling of getting hit out of nowhere because we didn't see it coming, even though we knew the process and we know the cycle. That hit has been caused because there's trauma. And this is a problem, because we believe that all these things, you know that all knowing and understanding everything and being educated on it I should know everything, but actually you just need some of the right tools so you can actually turn all that trauma into something that is going to be something that you can be one of the greatest things that you've ever done. You see, the thing about traumatic divorce is that during any kind of divorce or separation, there is really an immense healing and empowerment. Through healing and becoming confident again, you see your authenticity. Who you truly are is your superpower. You have some incredible superpowers. Every single person has their unique skill set, their talents. You too. You too have your superpower, even though it might feel like, oh no, I don't feel like it, I feel so broken. No, you have a superpower and you have to admit that. Perhaps you know this relationship didn't work out and maybe you picked wrong in this scenario and maybe you have some trauma that you have to heal, and then you can actually start to get back up and start enjoying the journey of life. You then, because you're in joy, you're happy, your joy is infectious, people around you will enjoy being around you. Unfortunately, when we're around toxic people, they drain us and, even though you're trying to pretend that everything's okay, people notice when you're genuinely feeling happy and then everything will be good for you because you're in a good space, you're being yourself and you're enjoying life.

Speaker 1: 4:30

There is a quote, actually, that we overestimate what we can do in one year and we underestimate what we can do in ten. Really, truly, we need to go at this in terms of the long game. We really need to look at what is it that you want to achieve in the next ten years? And it's really important to adopt this now so you have control of what your next ten years is going to look like or your next five years is going to look like. You don't have to get everything done this year or done now, but you really need to look at the long term and say, okay, if I heal myself. What am I working towards in like ten years?

Speaker 1: 5:17

Think about what you've been through in the last ten years. How many times have people risen and fallen, how many times has the market gone up and down? How many times have people made lots of money and lost lots of money? What we've got to do is really be in the long game and say I'm going to be consistent and I'm going to work at everything and enjoy the journey to being authentic, to being me, because it's so much easier when you've got. You're just being you. You're allowed to be you, you're free to be you. You can then turn your whole life around.

Speaker 1: 5:56

Every time you're going to having to worry about who you're going to be, every time you're having to walk into work and then put on a facade and worrying about being somebody that you're not, every time you're having to put on a show and pretend you're happy, going out with a narcissist, but actually you're worried about the journey back because they're going to pick on something. It is exhausting. If you can't be your authentic self, how are you going to enjoy the journey? How can you ever experience joy? But if you can, people around you, people that you love, that truly love. They will enjoy the journey with you. They will love being around you, and that's when you will start to add value to other people's life, because you're starting to value who you are. You don't have to search outside of yourself for things to numb yourself. You really want to be able to really enjoy who you are and like who you are. Do you like who you are? Are you enjoying who you are?

Speaker 1: 7:09

When you can start feeling the power within you to actually change anything, to forgive anything, to co-create an incredible life within yourself, then everything gets super exciting and that's when stuff can come together, no matter where you are in your journey of recovering from narcissistic abuse, then everybody around you will start feeling good just being around you because you're being at your best. That's when you can be a real service to the world from just you being you. And you being a service to the world is you being able to service yourself first, you're actually getting your needs met. You're being you. You're actually allowing yourself to have your needs met. Every time a tree is planted and it's a tree that actually brings fruit, it's a fruit that can nourish many, many people, fruits that lots and lots of people can enjoy If we have a seed and we're traumatized by this relationship or something else that's happened, we never get the opportunity to plant that seed and allow it to grow and produce the fruit that we want to share with other people, the greatness that is within you.

Speaker 1: 8:33

I really want you to think what is it that you're feeling bad about? What do you feel ashamed about? Get really real with yourself. What do you feel guilty about? Perhaps it's time to forgive yourself this year, 2023. Rather than making excuses for other people's behavior because you wanted somebody to be there for you when you made mistakes. You don't have to carry that guilt and the shame anymore of some of the mistakes that you've made and then allow a narcissist to actually weaponize that against you the fact that you have your. You're forgiving. You want to give people a chance. They're weaponizing that against you because you once did something and that you wish you hadn't done, and now you're forgiving them all the time because you've got compassion and understanding for other people. It's time to really turn that inward and actually have compassion and understanding for yourself and be there for people who really want a chance.

Speaker 1: 9:55

It's not about judging the narcissist and making them out to be a bad person. It's about recognizing that you deserve forgiveness within yourself first, because you want it to become a better person. It's okay for you not to carry the pain anymore and really forgive yourself for carrying that pain around. If people are being really real with you, they can see their mistakes and they are looking for a way forward. That's enough. You know, if you've made a mistake and you've changed your ways and you want to be a better person, that's enough for forgiveness. Forgiveness is about letting go of the pain. That's what forgiveness is about, and we have to really be authentic, which means you being authentic with yourself. If someone is breaking you down and making you feel bad about you, your authentic self, they are taking away power from within you. Your power is your authenticity. Your authenticity is your power. That's all you need in life that somebody that can be real with you. They are willing to be authentic and say you know what I messed up here and I want to change this moving forward.

Speaker 1: 11:24

Not everything is your fault. If you could pass on what you really truly stand for, I really want you to take a moment and you might want to pause this in between and really reflect through this. If you could pass on what you truly stand for to other people. What would it be? What would you pass on to the world? What would you want everybody to know? What is it that you want people to know about the truth of life? Those are your values, you know. What is it that you really want people to know and know? You know, I want you to know that you are deserving of love.

Speaker 1: 12:16

Start living your values Now, every day, and just start seeing the energy that starts to come back into your life. It will energize you beyond measure. The moment you can start giving yourself and allowing yourself to live by your values, you will be allowed to pass on your legacy. You're living in your purpose and I really want you to have a moment today to think about the legacy that you're leaving. It's your inheritance. It's everything. It's not about the physical things. Physical things eventually die out. Let's face it. Anything that you have right now isn't going to be there 10 generations down the line unlikely. Or maybe 20 generations down the line. But what about the emotional, psychological and spiritual health?

Speaker 1: 13:22

Trauma is passed down from generation to generation, some of the trauma that you might be dealing with and the reasons why you've been in a toxic relationship might be something from 10 generations ago, from your ancestors. So what are you passing down? What emotional well-being or health are you passing down generationally? Psychological health are you passing down through the generations? You see, your healing is impacting your family, not just your children, if you have children, but also your children's children. And if you don't have children, people around you, every single person you love you will be gone. Every single person you love, who they love, is not transformed. Whatever isn't transformed within us is transferred. We can really see this in COVID, and I remember when COVID was happening I was thinking how is it that we can spread something so far and wide and it adapts and it evolves? That's trauma. That's pretty much it goes Literally. Trauma is just spread everywhere and someone else gets impacted by it and then they spread it on to everybody else. Whatever you're not transforming and healing within yourself is being transferred to generations to come.

Speaker 1: 15:03

So think about what it is you have been listening to, thinking about feeling, and is that something that you want to pass on to your future generations? And I think it's really an important question. I remember thinking about this myself, where I was standing in the kitchen and I just thought is this what I want my daughter to hear when she's in a relationship? Do I want my daughter to be listening to this and feeling like this and thinking the thoughts that I'm thinking and seeing what I'm seeing right now, and I thought, okay, if I don't heal this, she's going to experience the same thing.

Speaker 1: 16:00

So do things that are on purpose, that align with your purpose, your values, and not to people, please. You can't people please your way out of narcissistic abuse. But are you doing things your way? Are you aligning with what it is that you want to leave behind? Are you healing? What is it that you want for the future? And really start working towards that in everything you're doing.

Speaker 1: 16:32

And once you start getting aligned with something much, much bigger, you will start to heal, not because you're trying to keep up with everybody else and things like that, but something that is incredibly powerful, that makes you want to jump out of bed and heal and gives you the inspiration and the energy to do something about this. Then all of this, every single bit of pain that you have been through, every single thing that you have experienced, is going to be well worth it, because it's not just for you, it's for your future generations, it's for so many other people. And then you're healing your past, not just for yourself. You're doing it for every single person that you love, and that every single person that you love loves too, and it just keeps going. And that's something that I really would like for you to reflect on your values and start to think how can I live them now? What is it that I need to live right now?

Speaker 1: 17:44

Don't worry about the narcissist. You will get this power within you to actually do what it is that is right for you. What we're doing is igniting your inner guide. You're igniting your inner power to go. Yes, I want to find a way to heal from this.

Speaker 1: 18:06

And if it is something that you want to do, and you really do want to heal this generationally, and if you have got ancestral healing that needs to happen as well, then you're probably someone that would really benefit from the heal to thrive program, which is a four month program and please look in the resources section and if you do qualify I do take a limited number every month, but if you qualify, it'd be great to be part of your healing journey as well but, most of all, please be loving, kind and understanding towards yourself. What you've been through is something really difficult, but the way to heal is to love yourself better. It really is. Love is the most powerful healer there is. The more understanding, the more compassion, the more love you can bring to yourself, the more you will heal Until next time.