Toxic Relationships: Use A Life Changing Mindset Hack to Navigate Narcissistic Abuse

Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship that drains your spirit? I'm Dr. Amen Kaur, and in our latest conversation, we're peeling back the layers of narcissistic abuse and uncovering strategies to detoxify your life. With the "Let Them Theory" as our compass, we navigate the stormy seas of manipulation and emerge stronger, more self-aware, and ready to prioritize our well-being. This episode is a heartfelt exploration, inspired by my own trials this past week, and it's imbued with the collective wisdom of our supportive community.

Embarking on this journey, we delve into the concept of the 'pain body' and the narcissist's insatiable ego, as illuminated by Eckhart Tolle. The realization that we cannot change them, but only ourselves, acts as a key to unlock our freedom. We dissect the narcissist's quest for 'supply' and why empathy is beyond their grasp, equipping you with the understanding necessary to conserve your energy and step toward personal growth. The discussion is laced with practical advice, such as the 'grey rock' method, and anchored in the power of self-awareness, providing a roadmap to navigate these treacherous relationships.

Wrapping up our heartfelt session, we celebrate the power of words in the healing process. The episode culminates with an empowering affirmation: you are love, you are loved, and you are worthy of love. It's a call to rediscover your voice, reclaim your story, and step into the life you deserve. Join me as we embrace the tranquillity of letting go and the strength found in authenticity, all the while reconstructing the narrative of our lives with the threads of self-care and love.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Eman Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner, knowing your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. Today we're going to be looking at the let them theory. It's incredible, it's a game changer when dealing with narcissists. It really helps when dealing with everything to do with the narcissist. I really hope that you embed this into your life because it will change. It will help you when things get really, really tough. It solves how we respond to the narcissist's rubbish, the lies, the illusion, all whilst we're not giving our power away. But before we go into that and all the steps and really break this down and make it relevant to you so that you can heal after narcissistic trauma, I just want to say this means so much to me To be able to heal from the trauma of narcissistic abuse. You know, this week has been really tough for me. This week. The thing that's got me through? Is you, honestly yes, you spending the time to listen to me? Sometimes we can keep going through the trauma or the abuse that the narcissist brings into our life again and again and again, because we know that us getting up and healing is actually going to make a difference to somebody else's life. And, honestly, you, listening to me gives me so much every single day, especially when you know those days where you feel like you've been kicked in the stomach. If you want to contribute to somebody else's life, we need a community to heal from this. It's actually narcissism is a societal issue. So in order to heal from it, we need a community to help us heal. So there's people out there that might have given up hope because they're living in the trauma and they think that they have to live in the trauma all the time. If you can subscribe or if you can share this podcast with somebody else that might be living in trauma right now so that they can heal, so that they can see is possible to heal, then we're helping each other. We're helping each other as a community heal. So please do do that. Maybe you want to write a review. Just help this community grow so that more of us can heal.

Speaker 1: 3:07

So let's get back to this. How can we respond to the narcissist's lies and illusion without giving your power away? Through following three simple steps. Know that these steps are pretty simple, but we're going to go into detail. I found Mel Robbins had done a post on this thing called the Let them Theory. I'm really not sure where she got it from, but it's brilliant for someone that's been through narcissistic trauma and is going through it right now. You might be dealing with them on a day to day level. So we're going to break this down and make it relevant to you and explore how we can use this when we're dealing with a narcissist.

Speaker 1: 3:48

So step number one we have to step back and understand the narcissist's motive. What is their motive? What is the whole point of a narcissist? The narcissist is looking for supply. They're looking to feed their ego.

Speaker 1: 4:09

Now I love Eckhart Tolle's concept of the pain body. It explains that the egos relates to the pain body, if the pain body actually feeds the ego. So let's really look at this. So the pain body is like an energy or a part of you that's feeling so low, so down. All the emotions, all the pain, the emotional pain and you can actually feel it in your body and it actually needs feeding. You've got to imagine it as its own kind of entity. So when you're dealing with a narcissist, it's really important to note that all of us have some sort of pain body. So please don't start judging yourself. Oh, I am the narcissist.

Speaker 1: 5:03

No, we all have an ego to some degree and we all have some trauma. The issue is that if we've got trauma and we're not healing it, the trauma feeds itself with more trauma and it just gets worse and worse and worse. That's why, until we heal our trauma, we struggle. There's no way around it. We have to proactively heal our trauma. There is no way around it.

Speaker 1: 5:29

The problem is the ego, is the thinking part of the mind that sort of takes over and all these thoughts go through your head over and over again. And when we've been in toxic relationships, the, the egoic part of our mind, it kind of tells the story over and over again. Now, if you think back to what you were like before you met the narcissist, you'll realize that you weren't really thinking all these negative thoughts and replaying all these negative stories in your head, and nor were you feeling so low all the time. So, but if you look at the narcissist really objectively, who has a really big ego, right, you can see they have this huge pain body and they have these stories that just go round and round in their head and they actually verbalize it and a lot of is a load of nonsense. But you can see that they and you can step outside of yourself and look at them objectively and see, oh my gosh, their ego is so big that they are pretty much unaware of the ridiculousness that they're doing and the pain that they're causing. So we too have a little bit of ego, not as much as the narcissist. Just really put it in this into context we all have egos, unless you've transcended your ego and now you're enlightened. So just come to terms with the fact that there might be something that you resonate with, but that doesn't mean that you're the narcissist yourself.

Speaker 1: 7:07

The problem is, the narcissist has a very strong ego is. So imagine the ego like a scale. On one end of the scale You've got a really high ego. There's is everything's about the ego, and the other side of the scale is your true, authentic, higher self. The more egoic you are, the more narcissistic you are and the less connected you are to your true self, your awareness, your consciousness. The more egoic you are, the more unconscious you are, the more unaware you are, and you can really see that quite clearly with a narcissist. It means that the narcissistic person is more disconnected from the truth of who they are, the truth who they really are, the oneness of who they are. It makes sense when you're looking at the brain of a narcissist as well. Science is also saying that they can't make connections needed in the brain for empathy. So when you're true to yourself, you're connected, whereas when your egoic is all about separation and you're unconscious and you're less aware and you're less present.

Speaker 1: 8:31

Imagine the narcissist as unconscious, looking for supply, like a zombie. They're feeding, they're feeding off of your emotional reaction, your energy, your attention, your response, your words, your engagement and the time you've wasted in those circular conversations that last for hours on end, that drain you, that lead to absolutely no resolution whatsoever, because it just goes round and round and round and you come back to the same old scenario again and again and again. Why? Because the narcissist, the ego, is looking for resolution. It's unconscious pain looking for more supply at some point. So they're not looking to solve anything. That egoic part is just looking to feed itself over and over again. That's literally the narcissist. It just wants supply from you.

Speaker 1: 9:38

The concept of supply isn't going to make sense to you because you have a level of awareness. You think just wake up and see the reality. You're trying to wake this person up through explaining, through actually using evidence, facts. They're not interested. They're not interested in any of that because they don't have that. They're not looking to become aware. They're unaware. They're like a zombie. That's not what they're looking for. They're just looking to get energy from you, whereas when you wake up, you want to wake up and see what's happening. You want to become more aware. You want to get energy from life. You're seeing that, oh my gosh, we can have love, we can have happiness, we can have connection. And you're thinking why are we wasting this time on things that don't make any sense? It's totally ridiculous to you what the narcissist is doing in their unawareness. So we need to accept that this person is unaware, asleep, unconscious, cannot see, is unable to see, no matter what you do. They are like a zombie and their supply, which is like oxygen to them, they can't live without attention supply and it doesn't matter what you do. You cannot change it Because if you can work out how to create empathy in a brain that doesn't make those connections, you're not going to change this scenario and the sooner we can accept this, the quicker we can get to a space of feeling peace. The easiest way to stop this taking an impact on us is actually accepting this isn't going to change. There is no way I can change a zombie to a normal conscious human being.

Speaker 1: 11:46

Step number two when dealing with the narcissist, once you've come to terms with, there is absolutely nothing you can do is to pause, no matter how. When you're dealing with the narcissist, always pause. When you're dealing with them, know they are looking for a reaction. They need a reaction from you. They need you to listen to their nonsense, even if it makes no sense. They need you to give them airtime. That's what they need and that is not your issue. It's not yours to deal with.

Speaker 1: 12:21

I want you to really reflect on how many years have you spent thinking, feeling the trauma of what, of what they've done to you? How much energy have you invested in something that isn't even real? It's a fantasy, it's someone's ego, it's unconscious, it's unaware, it has no empathy. It is. Is it that you want to continue focusing on, or do you want to get to feeling more authentic than you ever have? Do you want to get more energy than you ever have? Then pause. Every time you're dealing with a narcissist, pause. Take some time for yourself to connect back to yourself. What they want out of you is supply from you. That's their issue Number three. Number three is don't respond. You will literally don't have to say anything to them. This is where the theory of let them theory comes into play. This is what I really wanted to share with you. Or you could call it the grey walking, it's all the same, because anything you say is feeding them.

Speaker 1: 13:44

It's another opportunity for the narcissist to try and trigger you emotionally so that they can get supply out of you. Everything is a trap, everything is a drama. For this reason, everything is chaos. Nothing is straightforward. Let's be honest. There's nothing straightforward. Everything can be done so easily in life, but then comes the narcissist and causes a lot of chaos, confusion, drama. For no reason.

Speaker 1: 14:13

If all they're doing is making up a whole load of lies about you, let them, if they are creating random assumptions and lies that you've cheated on them, get into a point, spend some time and say let them, if they're making up lies that you've had an affair with a married man or woman who has just given birth to a newborn baby yes, I know it sounds crazy, let them. If the lies they're making up are so crazy and ridiculous, just let them. When you don't feed them supply, they will end up hanging themselves in their own web of lies and the truth will eventually come out it really will. So step back and let them get on with it. You've got to use this word. If you find yourself going round and round in your head, just stop for a moment and go. Okay, they've made this up. There's a whole load of lies. Let them. Then, and only then, can you direct your energy and attention towards something that is way more important than whatever the narcissist is doing or saying to try and get a reaction out of you, to waste your life away, to give them your energy. You can then direct your energy to yourself and your healing journey. Only then can you start your healing journey.

Speaker 1: 15:44

So if we break this down further, one of the biggest issues around narcissistic trauma is the emotional abuse and the psychological abuse when we go through that devaluation and the discard. People don't understand how unbelievably painful this is, and then to be taken back through the love bombing phase again. Even the love bombing is abuse. It's an illusion. They're lying constantly, pretending it's all fake and hence we have been betrayed. They are using people all the time that they should be taken care of and it's so hard to come to terms with, because no one deserves that Nobody. We have to get to a point where we're so desperate to change we feel like our own. We have to feel our value again. We think that our value lies in the narcissist or what the narcissist gave the illusion of.

Speaker 1: 16:51

When we can go through these three steps, it allows us to stop and want to change the narcissist, wanting to change the situation, wanting to explain or defend or providing supply to them. Your supply is so valuable, your energy is so valuable. So this is where you need to just go, okay, for instance, if your friends are going out and one of them hasn't invited you and maybe you know this friend is a bit of a narcissist and is spreading lies about you, you have to get to a space of one, realizing that they don't have the empathy. Two, knowing that they are looking for supply. Okay, so that's number one. Two you have to stop, stop the thinking and feelings that you're having and go into awareness and go. Okay, I don't want to spend my time trying to defend myself and explain myself to other people. Number three let them say it out loud. If you need to go, you know what she's doing, this or he's doing that, let them, and then you can see. Then you can see who your friends are.

Speaker 1: 18:10

Is this someone you want to spend time with, because so much time and energy is wasted on trying to change the situation that the narcissist has created, working out what it is that they said, what they must be thinking about, what they're doing, and then they get into your head and use up all your energy. The truth is, if they are not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try and change them or get them to admit that they're not telling you the truth or telling other people the truth. Let them be themselves, because they are revealing to you that they're lying, they're gaslighting. Just let them breathe, be and you breathe. Allow them to be, because you can't change that anyway. You can't change them, you can't, and then you get to choose what you want to do and start healing the pain so that you can stop those thoughts going round and round in your head, so you can get your energy back.

Speaker 1: 19:18

The more we resist what the narcissist is doing, the more we resist it. We try and get into defending, explaining, exposing their lies. We're going crazy doing that. So much time and energy is wasted on trying to get the narcissist to see the reality that we are worth it, to feel the empathy, to feel the love that we have for them. If somebody doesn't have empathy, let them be. We cannot change this. Science hasn't got a way of changing this right now, so we can't do it. Just let them be.

Speaker 1: 19:57

Then you choose what you want to do next. Now you have this knowledge. It's so simple and it is pretty obvious when you think about it. But once you learn it, you're going to be doing this all the time and you probably do this all the time right at the beginning and you have to really watch what it is that we're doing, because they can get under our skin and get into our thoughts and emotions and that's why narcissistic abuse is so awful it really is, because it's not so much what they've done in that moment. It's what they're doing to us after the narcissistic abuse, day in, day out, that impacts us.

Speaker 1: 20:38

The algorithm theory is going to allow you to detach yourself from the narcissist, to be able to take a step back and get into observation mode and seeing what has happened to you, what impact has this had on you, so you can get the healing that you need, so you can become aware of you rather than getting absorbed into everything that they're doing. And that's a great way of bedding in the grey rocking theory. Because narcissists cause a lot of struggle, huge amounts of pain, because they take over our thinking, our emotions. It causes so much fear, anxiety. People have panic attacks. It causes illnesses or whilst you're trying to tell yourself I'm okay, I'm okay, I can do this, I'm strong enough to get over this. I can do this by myself, by you letting them be who they want to be. It allows you to let go of the reins and gives yourself space so that other people can take responsibility for how they want to be for themselves, without you having to take responsibility for what the narcissist is doing.

Speaker 1: 21:55

You don't have to make friendships better, you just have to be yourself. Let's face it the narcissist or relationship with a narcissist. You actually are in love with the potential of being in a loving relationship. You're not actually in a relationship with the person who they really are. You're busy trying to fix them, trying to change them into being a decent human being, to become considerate, to have empathy, to see the impact of having on others. You don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential. When you can let somebody be who they actually are, you step into the awareness. That's the other scale. That's the other end of the scale of an ego or a narcissist. You step into a higher level of consciousness. You allow yourself to understand who you're dealing with.

Speaker 1: 22:53

Let me give you an example. Imagine a so-called friend is asking you to help them sell your car. You do all the work. You go above and beyond. You put your passion, your everything into it. Your intention is pure. That's all you need to really make a difference to someone's life. It's to just have the intention of really doing a good job for them, really wanting to. They tell you that. You know as well as I do that in order to sell anything, you need to present it in the best possible way. So you get their car valade cleaned and you shouldn't have to pay that out of your pocket. Surely You're trying to help out a friend? It's not appropriate. But they go and devalue you to friends and spread rumors about you.

Speaker 1: 23:45

It's so easy to worry then, in that scenario, what the narcissist is saying to everyone, and the worst part of this is they play the victim as if they were, you know, treating you badly. It's ridiculous, I know, but these things happen in real life. Unfortunately, there is a possibility that even the smartest people might believe the rubbish that the narcissist is saying, and the best way to deal with this is let them. It's all rubbish and you don't need to explain your energy on something that is not worth your time and energy. You did the best that you could. They can pick holes in the little little things and make out. It's a really big thing, but that is just so that they can get supply. The ultimate thing is, the ultimate goal is to sell the car. Did you do it? Yes. Did you get them a good deal? Yes. Everything else is irrelevant.

Speaker 1: 24:43

So we can say let them. We can literally stop supplying them the energy, because all they're trying to do is devalue you and they get supplied from seeing you devalue yourself. It doesn't matter what they're doing on a day to day level. It's like if they can get into your head and they can make you feel small about yourself, they feel and they can see you crumble and destroy yourself and not achieve the goals that you want to achieve. They've won in their heads, so let them is a way of allowing what is happening in the now. I suppose there's a lot of religious like. Buddhism is all about allowing the now, so then you can take yourself in a different direction and immediately what happens is, when you adopt this theory, you can catch yourself when you're using your energy to try and control a narrative. We can then say, okay, I'll let them.

Speaker 1: 25:50

If they wanna believe whatever is as true, let them, because the most important thing you don't wanna do is lose connection with your own awareness, your own consciousness, and by letting go, by saying to them I'll let you do, you do whatever you wanna do? Is you connect back to yourself so you can heal your own pain and get really real with what you feel, instead of worrying about what other people are doing. You connect back to yourself, so then you can go. Okay, you know what I feel. I'm feeling upset that this person betrayed me. You're connecting back to your own pain and you drop into surrender and say, okay, I'll let you do whatever you want, but I wanna feel at peace and I'm gonna deal with the emotional pain that I've got and get back to peace.

Speaker 1: 26:51

Because it's when our brain, when our thoughts are going wild and the rumination is in there, all that noise. It's so difficult and all we want is peace in that moment and this, instead of letting your emotions review up and getting really and letting your thoughts going round and round and round, we can get back control of our thoughts and we can stop those thoughts going round and round and then, when we are going through our thoughts of what we have done and what we haven't done, they're still in control of us by letting them go. Okay, I'll let you. You wanna say all these negative things about me? Okay, fine, that's fine, I'll let you. Then we get back control of ourselves, of our own thoughts, our mind and our emotions, and that is super powerful. When you can get your own thoughts and emotions back, that is super powerful, because when we haven't got that, we're going into fear, anxiety and we're feeling out of control and we believe that the narcissist has got more control over us than we have. And that is when we feel devalued.

Speaker 1: 28:12

Think about it the only reason a narcissist lies is because they devalue and disrespect someone. If someone else wants to go around believing the narcissist, that just means that the narcissist thinks that person is so stupid that they will believe them. They are devaluing and disrespecting that person at that time. So remember, let the narcissist do its thing and let them believe the narcissist. If they wanna believe the narcissist, they're going through their process of learning, Just like you had to learn right and see who the narcissist is. Let them go through that process. It's a process. You can't solve it for other people and stop them from seeing the truth about the narcissist. They have to go through that. It might take them a little while to see it. It's not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of how the narcissist views the people that they're lying to. If someone is being horrible, let them be horrible, because without your supply, they will start to expose themselves. The truth will come out quicker.

Speaker 1: 29:22

The aim of the game here is, if you want to expose the narcissist, stop supplying to them, let them lie. Heal yourself. Heal your triggers. Heal yourself so you get your energy back to do what it is that you want to do. The best revenge is actually succeeding in your life. How do you succeed? You need energy. You need to focus on what it is that you want. Just try it and you'll see. You'll feel such a relief. Then you see that most people in your life Are there to support you. You did. There are some narcissists out there, but not every. Everyone is a nonsense, and if you're surrounded by narcissists, it's time to heal. It's time to for you to heal your emotions, your thoughts, and so you can invest in your energy yourself so you can start flowing with life again. What? So? That you can be and do what you're meant to do, being authentic self, rather than putting your energy into something else so that you can know how powerful you are.

Speaker 1: 30:31

The let them theory is is basically a lever that you can pull so you can create more peace in your life and ease and love, and it's something that the more you practice, the more you connect back to your emotions, the more you will flow with the current things rather than battling with everything. It's like we're going against the flow of life. We're trying to control something and that is where we form a lot of anxiety, because you're not made up the way the narcissist is made up. You can't beat the narcissist. They have no empathy. You have empathy. You cannot beat them at this game, the narcissist depending on you getting trapped into that and for you stressing and trying to control everything, knowing that you can't beat them because you have no empathy. Play your game. Your game is being authentic. Let the narcissist be the narcissist, which is the lack of empathy. You can't Play them at their game. You can't control. You're not made that way. You can only Be the best version of yourself. Let them be who they be. Focus on your values, your beliefs. Find you again. What is it that you think is best for you? We connect with your own inner guidance system. Everything you need is within you.

Speaker 1: 31:52

When we worry about what the narcissist things and says, we're literally at odds with our own guidance system. When we can say, let them be, let them, we're letting go of our own ego in that moment of trying to prove that we're right and we're connecting back to our guidance system of what we should do next. When we grew up. We were conditioned. Yeah, our parents fears and wants for us, you know, rubbed up on us. Yeah, we learned to conform and, bit by bit, we gave up on our authentic self. Now we need to let people be as they want to be because, as a paradox, we get to be who we want to be. When we give up trying to control them, we actually take control back of our self. When we try and control them, it controls us and sometimes it controls us for so long we know no longer know even who we are. We think about the story that goes round and round and round in our head.

Speaker 1: 33:01

Words are so powerful. Words, the way we speak to ourself, is so powerful. We can either inspire or we can break someone's heart. We can break someone down. We can either mend a broken heart, make them somebody realize that they are great, and that could change somebody's life. You know, can you imagine how many people have been inspired by a teacher when they're younger just because of one sentence they said to them and how many people have been broken by one sentence that a teacher said to them?

Speaker 1: 33:42

Words, when expressed, can either create greatness or can kill us pretty much. Words, I think, can kill. I think words are so powerful. They can either break you down or they can make you. They can take the life out of your soul or they can. They can build you up.

Speaker 1: 34:03

Who do you want to be?

Speaker 1: 34:07

You know your words that you speak to yourself. Are you finding fault in yourself? Words are so powerful. Be honest about how. Have you given up on life because of what the narcissist said to you? Even where there's no physical abuse, they have used words to break us down. Words are so powerful. What is it that you're thinking about? What words are you telling yourself? Just let them be and start focusing on healing you so that you can build yourself back up. And if you want to heal and you want to feel authentically you and you want to be free, if you want to be that For yourself and have a peace of mind for 2024, if you're done with putting yourself at the heart of the narcissist supply and you are ready now to heal your thoughts, your feelings and to know your worth, Then do look in the resources section and remember cultivate love for yourself, come along and be part of the heal to fight program. You are love, you are loved and loving. You are worthy of love. Till next time, sending you so much love and healing.