Toxic Relationships: Narcissistic Abuse: How to Stop Suffering in Silence

Have you ever felt the ground crumble beneath you as you tried to describe the invisible scars left by a toxic relationship? Our latest episode takes you through the labyrinth of healing and the challenge of articulating the pain that others may find unfathomable. We dive into the nuances of detoxing from relationships that have chipped away at your sanity, offering strategies to share your experiences with a world that might be sceptical. Anchored by our motto "HOPE" - Help One Person Every Day - we extend an olive branch to those seeking a community that understands and validates their struggles.

As we unpack the systemic shortcomings that documentaries like Gabriel Fernandez's Story in the States and "Victim/Suspect"  have brought to light, we understand the sting of disbelief all too well. This episode isn't just about sharing these heart-wrenching tales; it's a guide on how to document your encounters with narcissists and toxic individuals, especially in settings that should be safe havens like work or family. We explore the art of setting boundaries and the importance of finding allies committed to your truth, as we dissect the deceptive web spun by those who mean us harm. It's a conversation about cutting through the facade and aligning with those who genuinely want to help you heal.

In the journey to reclaim your self-worth and the ability to love unabashedly after a toxic encounter, this episode serves as your compass. We confront the cycles of love bombing and devaluation head-on, fostering an understanding that the blame for the harm you've experienced does not rest on your shoulders. We shine a light on the importance of vibrating at a frequency that attracts positivity and loving energy, and the role self-compassion plays in not only nurturing our growth but also in enabling us to extend the same grace to others. Join us in embracing the universal language of love that connects us all and discover how to transform your healing into a source of empowerment.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner knowing, your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. Have you ever tried to explain what's happened to you and you feel like someone's kicked you in the stomach because they just don't understand anything and they look at you in a way where you feel they don't believe me, they don't, they don't get what I've been through, and it really, really hurts. I want to break that down and answer one of the questions that one of the listeners was asking, which is how do we explain to somebody what you've been through? And I want to break this down just so that you can then come to terms with it as well. What do you do in these scenarios so that you can manage your mental health? I genuinely believe, but one of the biggest issues that we've got in mental health is down to the fact that we're dealing with people that are gaslighting us people, and we can't put that to bed in our own mind. We can't solve that in our own mind, and not only if they gaslighted us. But then we're trying to explain what's happened to other people, and the way they react to you gaslights you further. So let's break this down. But before we do, one of the main things I always ask at the beginning is please do share, please subscribe and, if anything, if you've learned anything from the podcast, if you've benefited in any way, perhaps you could do a review. The only reason I'm asking this is so that we can share and help one another.

Speaker 1: 2:05

I have a motto this year, which is hope. Right, um, I want to give hope to people this year as much as possible, because I think part of the problem with toxic relationships is we can feel like so at a stage of real deep hopelessness. It's it's so severe, like you just want to give up on everything. And the reason why I love hope is it reminds me that I want to help one person every day. That's my goal. One person every day, help one person every day that's hope. H O P, e. So that's my thing this year. So I hope if I can help you this year, let you then help one person every day by actually sharing or supporting one another.

Speaker 1: 2:58

Okay, so let's get down to this question, this question. That is something that we will all experience, something that we all all struggle with at some point, and know that you're part of this community. You're not alone in this journey. Um, even though it feels like sometimes you've got no one. No one really gets what you've been through, we do, I do, I get it, I get exactly what you've been through and I know it's really, really tough. So how do we explain to somebody that hasn't been through something like this what you're going through? Right, we're going to break this down first and foremost. We have to accept, unfortunately, that there will be some people that won't understand, and I want to give you some practical reasons why they're not going to understand.

Speaker 1: 3:49

There is a couple of documentaries. If you're into documentaries and if you've got Netflix, perhaps you could watch to sort of help you understand what I'm trying to say and come to terms with it. One is about a young boy called Gabrielle in the States. Um it, there's a Netflix documentary about him, and there's one that's recent in the UK that's come up is called victim slash suspect, and both of them talk about how the system, in a way, turns a blind eye or accuses the victim of being the problem. The issue why? Why is such atrocities happening? Why are people turning away when they should be doing something? Why are people doing that? It's mailing, if you look at the documentaries, because they're trying to save on time, cost cutting and probably the most important thing that's going on is people are overwhelmed with work and they're not doing their job properly.

Speaker 1: 5:02

I'm just going to be really simplify it to. They're not doing their job to the point that they should be. So what they're doing is cutting the, cutting out so much stuff. So what they're actually doing, if you look at both of the documentaries, is they're trying to cut down on their admin. In particular, they're trying to cut down on the amount of hours they have to spend looking at evidence, looking at information. In essence.

Speaker 1: 5:33

So when you go to somebody and give them all the information they need about what the narcissist is doing in terms of explaining to them everything, some people will not want to see it. They will not want to even look at the evidence. You might have it all collated and logged and summarized and analyzed. They won't be interested. They're going to look the other way and they're going to go. Okay, but you're saying this and they're saying that. So who do we believe? And yet you've got a load of evidence to show that they should believe you. Why are people doing that? And I'll be honest when I watched the Gabrielle documentary, I literally cried all the way through. I genuinely sobbed at points because it was just so sad. How can something like this happen? It's just awful. So if you are an empath, then please do get your boxer tissues ready when you're watching it as well. So look, what we're going to do is we're going to look at you.

Speaker 1: 6:39

The most important thing that you need to do for yourself is to start logging what's happening, and this is another point. If you feel you have to log what's happening with the narcissist or this person, this person that has a big ego, then it's most likely that they have narcissistic traits or they are gaslighting or they are creating an illusion. You shouldn't really need to feel that you need to log things and write things down unless you are being gaslighted in some way. That's a really good way of knowing that you're trying to make sure that you're getting your facts right and you're seeing reality. So that is a sign in itself that you're in a toxic relationship. So please do take that on board. So if you are in that process of logging, I highly recommend that you do log.

Speaker 1: 7:35

So if you're in a toxic environment at work or at home and you've got children, if you're parallel parenting, whatever it might be, you want to log everything down. You want to log what's happening, when and why, because they shift boundaries and they can't sustain boundaries for anything. So you do need to log things. And if you think about what a toxic person is, they are, they create an illusion and they're creating a fantasy that they are perfect in every way and that it's all your fault. Obviously, no matter who they come in touch with, even if it is you know the court system or the law enforcement or you know children's services of some sort they're going to be the same person, even for them. Yeah, they're not going to change suddenly just because they're around people that are, you know from the support sort of the structure. So we have to expect that some people will fall in the category of they're not going to want to do the job properly and because of that, they're not going to see that the person that you're they're dealing with is actually abusive.

Speaker 1: 8:51

However, I am going to say that there is a caveat to this. There are some amazing people that genuinely want to help others, and they will take the time to actually look and go through the data and ask really important questions and they will listen, they will take on board everything and they will listen and they will be the ones that make the difference for you. So not every single person in a, you know, is going to be fooled by the narcissist, okay, or the toxic person. A lot of people will be, though. Yeah, because I think a lot of people aren't really doing something they're really passionate about and want to really make a difference. I think a lot of people go to work just to do a nine to five job and put money on the table like food on the table, sorry and get money. So we have to accept that. There are going to people that we're going to come across that probably don't want to be doing the job that they're doing and they're tired and they don't want to be hearing some of the stuff that they're hearing. So it you know.

Speaker 1: 9:58

So how do we then navigate that? We have to accept who they are and do it quickly. You want to be in a position to be looking at all the people in your life right now and go okay, so who gets it, who doesn't? Who's like cutting corners, who isn't? Find out who the right people are quickly, because it actually saves you so much time in the long run. Or your energy, your investment of trying to explain, defend, prove to these people like this is what really is going on, because we don't want to get into that game of trying to prove, explain, defend yourself to anybody, because it's really, it's really bad for you in particular, who has trauma and probably needs to heal the trauma so that they can move on.

Speaker 1: 10:53

So what's happening in those scenarios is you've been traumatized by the toxic person or someone that's got a big ego, and then these other people are coming along and compounding on that pain, compounding on that trauma. So then you start to actually question yourself and gaslight yourself and what you need to do is quickly shut the door to these people and go okay, I get this person's not very good or they're not invested in this in the way that I need them to be. I need them to actually look at the evidence. I need them to see the inconsistencies of what's been said, the fantasy, the persona that the toxic person is actually producing, and the actual things that are going on, what's actually happening, what's happening in reality and what they're saying, because the truth is, words are cheap. Anyone could say anything. It's what are they doing.

Speaker 1: 11:54

And if the person isn't willing to see what the person, this toxic person, is doing, then there's no point, there is absolutely no point in explaining to somebody this is what they are saying and this is what they're doing. They have to see for themselves the inconsistencies. They have to work out in their own head that, huh, they're saying one thing and they're doing another. So that's, that's what you've got to get across is they consistently say this to me and they're playing all these mind games, but they're actually doing something else. And everybody believes them. I believe them at the beginning as well, and this is the problem that you have. That's the gaslighting, yeah, and that's one way of one way of explaining it. So, so, okay. So, going back to this, if you want to explain to somebody what you've been through one quickly work out whether they are willing to listen and see the evidence. Okay. So that's the first thing because otherwise you're going to, you're going to save, you're going to save yourself so much pain if you, if you do that first, then second you can look at. Okay, they're willing to listen.

Speaker 1: 13:10

Now I can show them as much evidence as I possibly can. And you want to give them evidence of the patterns of behavior, not specifics, but patterns. Nobody's got time to listen to the specifics of what the narcissist does and actually, to be honest with you, by you going through the specifics of what the narcissist does over and over again to other people, you're actually causing more and more trauma for yourself. It's not a good thing and that's the reason why people shut down as well when they're around you. If you keep telling them over and over again all the details of what's happened, you want to, you don't want to get too involved in the details, you want to log it, but then see the pattern. That's the key here. Can you see a pattern of behavior? And that's what you want to get across, because when you can start to explain patterns of behavior to them, then it's easier to explain that to. People can get that, they can understand that.

Speaker 1: 14:15

Now the other thing is it's not one thing, it's never one thing. It's the fact that you're dealing with it day in, day out. There's no reprieve, there's never time where you can just breathe and be yourself and it's getting that across as well is that you just don't know what's going to happen all the time. It's that level of stress of not knowing and at the same time, there's a trauma bond of wanting and hoping that this person will change, because you believe that they are a good human being and that you didn't realize that actually there are people that just don't have empathy. They don't have the capability to be able to move forward.

Speaker 1: 15:05

So what we want to get to is understanding our self. First, that there's two elements right. One is that we're here to experience love right, and the ego is here as well, and there's some people that are so far down the ego route that they've disconnected to love. So we want to get to a space where we love our self and we love everyone else. That's the aim of the game. All of overall in this life is to appreciate our self and to appreciate others. But what's happened is, with the toxic person, they don't appreciate themselves. Deep down, they actually hate themselves and this is a bit of a. This is really important to grasp.

Speaker 1: 16:01

When people talk about self love, sometimes they think self love means that you are becoming more egoic. It's not. It's self. Real self love is about connection, joy, peace, love for each other. You know, you feel connected, that oneness, compassion, joy, all those kind of things. It feels you up and you feel the spirit of being alive. It's like it gives you, like this energy, and most people, when they've been in a toxic relationship, afterwards feel like they've just lost their mojo. They've lost their mojo or I don't know, there might be a certain word that you use. It's like the energy, the essence of you, and there's no words to really describe that. That's because what they've done is they've disconnected you from your life source, which is love yeah, love and loving yourself.

Speaker 1: 17:01

And what we have to do is look at ourself and go. You know, I want to heal, because what's happened in the toxic relationship if you were to explain this to somebody is that you realize that you have a new perspective on yourself now that you didn't have before. It's like you. You see yourself in a different way fundamentally, and that's the biggest issue here, and what you want to do is be able to look at your trauma, your pain, and actually release it rather than holding onto it where it changes your perception on life forever. And once we can get to that, we can actually release some of our own issues around not feeling good enough or maybe even self hate, you know, or feeling that I should have done better, or feeling guilty or shame all those feelings of not being good enough or not feeling worthy for love, for being loved in a true, authentic way.

Speaker 1: 18:16

And when we can take all the things that this narcissist has put on us and actually and used to control us, where we no longer comparing ourselves to others. You see, what the narcissist and the ego is all about is comparison. It's all about divide and conquer, it's all about you know, I'm better than you, etc. There's no love, there's no, you know, connection, there's no compassion, and what we are, what we have fallen into, is comparing ourselves to others, feeling as though we're not good enough on a deeper level, and to get that out of us takes a bit of work and that is the real pain here.

Speaker 1: 19:10

So if you wanted to really explain something to someone who's willing to listen, the main thing is you can say there's there's three different cycles, the main cycles. One is the love bombing phase, where they sell you the dream and you believe it, and then two is the devaluation. And what you have to explain is they put a bit of love bombing into the. And then devaluation, so that you keep looking for the self love all the time, but ultimately, over time, you get devalued and then you lose who you are and your own value. You lose your own sense of value for yourself, your own sense of self worth, and where you start to compare yourself to others on a deep level, where you just don't feel good enough, you don't feel worthy, you don't feel valued, you don't feel good enough to be loved because of the experience that you've been through. So we might think that we were to blame, you know, and that's one of the things. But it is a distorted image of ourself. That's what's happened.

Speaker 1: 20:32

And now we've got a block to the real good stuff, which is love, and we no longer love ourselves the way we used to love ourselves, you know, not in a egotistical way, but just having the love for life, because loving ourself is really loving the essence of life within yourself. You know, loving life, loving yourself, that's what self love is. It's actually recognizing the life within yourself and recognizing the life within somebody else. And, unfortunately, what happens over time is that our hearts kind of degenerate, if you like. You know, we feel disconnected to our heart, to what we love, to that spirit, and without spirit there isn't, you know, we don't feel alive. You know, if you think about what is spirit, spirit is motivation, you know, team spirit. What is that? What is that exactly? But there is a spirit within you that you need to get motivated, to get sparked, to get moved forward.

Speaker 1: 21:39

That is how manipulation and control happens. So if you can get that across to someone in terms of the stages, to a person who's willing to listen, yeah, then you can then go okay, I've got someone who's hearing me, who's heard me, who's listening, who believes me, and that's massive, because then you can then start looking at how you can work through and learn from these painful lessons. But we will only learn from these painful lessons until we are totally fed up, absolutely fed up. We have had enough of being feeling unworthy. We have had enough of feeling demotivated. We have had enough of, you know, being manipulated. We have had enough of having our emotions controlled. We have had enough of feeling as feeling rubbish. We've had enough and I want my mind back so that I'm thinking the thoughts that I want.

Speaker 1: 22:44

Ultimately, we live in a universe and science has revealed everything is energy, everything is energy. And then you go back and you look at what Nikola Tesla said and we look at what Einstein said everything is energy. You know that we need to see life, the universe, as in the eyes, through knowing it's energy frequency and vibration. What is this Energy frequency is, you know, the frequency of your thinking. Vibration is the vibration of your emotions. If we can align our emotions and our thinking, we can then change our energy to actually move forward and actually live a life that feels better, it feels good, it feels like we're in, aligned, we're actually in control of ourself in the way that we want. Remember all this mind control stuff.

Speaker 1: 23:44

All of this this is just the ego, is about separation, divide and conquer, whereas love. Love is the universal healer, it's the connector, it's the language of the universe, it's the language of gods. Basically, it's the source, energy, whatever you want to call it. That is it's language, it's fundamental. You know, it's the carrier for everything and it connects everything together. That is good. So what I would say to you is please start cultivating love in your life.

Speaker 1: 24:24

If someone's not going to understand what you've done, what you've been through, sorry, then let them not understand. Let it go. Just know it's not a reflection on you. It's not a reflection on you whether you know you're good enough or not good enough Absolutely not. What it is a reflection on is that that person that you're dealing with isn't connected to their own source, to the universe, to love, to wanting to really make a difference, to wanting to connect with another human being. Let them be who they are. They've shown you so close a door on that. Then you want to open the doors to people that want to see, that want to understand, so that they can learn, they can hear and explain and and grow for themselves.

Speaker 1: 25:11

You see, ultimately, this painful experience, what has it taught you? It's taught you compassion, you see. You know, be honest with me. You know, as I explain this, when you have compassion for somebody else, it's only come about because you have felt compassion for yourself. When you judge yourself and you say, oh, I shouldn't be doing this or I shouldn't be doing that, and somebody else comes along and they've done the same thing and you're saying all the right things to them, like don't worry, I'm sure it's fine, but inside your own head you're judging them and thinking, well, they're not very good, are they? They're a bit okay. So let me give you an example to make it make it clearer.

Speaker 1: 25:53

Say, you're not compassionate towards yourself in terms of having been through this relationship, you might judge other people in your own head, thinking what they should have got out earlier. You know, because you're doing that to yourself. So as you start to give yourself compassion, you can then really feel compassion for others. Yeah, really feel compassion for them and feel that connection with them, because then you don't hear your own judgments going on. It's not possible to be compassionate towards somebody else until you've experienced it for yourself, because otherwise you haven't let go of the judgments for yourself. They're still there. The blocks are still there. You might be a good human being I'm not saying that you're not but you have to release and be compassionate towards yourself to feel compassion for another human being. So I would highly recommend no judgment towards others, no judgment towards yourself.

Speaker 1: 26:59

Yeah, so self love and if you are interested in really getting your energy, your emotions and your thinking patterns aligned so that you can make the most out of your life and really move forward, actually have a life that you really want moving forward, so you vibe at the right level. You're actually making the most of your life. If that is something you want, I do have an incredible program. It's called Heal to Frive. I do have limited slots, though, every month. So if it is something that we really align with, if you align with myself and I align with you, and you're really interested in learning how to get yourself worth your confidence and really thrive in your life, then maybe we are aligned and we can look at working together. So if that is something that you want to do, I'd love to take more people on board and help another person. So please do look in the resources section and you can download the masterclass and I'll see you at the next stage.