Shield Your Heart: Unmask the 5 Cunning Steps Narcissists Use to Lure You Into Their Trap!

Have you ever felt the chilling grasp of a toxic relationship, leaving you questioning your own identity? Discover the harrowing parallels between the dangers of swimming with sharks and entanglement in detrimental personal connections. Our latest episode unveils the five treacherous steps that lull individuals into the jaws of manipulative relationships, underscored by the significance of self-love and the essential journey back to one's true self after such an ordeal.

This week's discussion takes a deep, revealing look at the psychological warfare waged by narcissists and toxic partners, whose strategies of isolation and control lead to a warping of belief systems and profound emotional impact. The episode doesn't shy away from the hard truths; it explores the 'fawn' response and the need for therapy tailored to those emerging from the shadows of such experiences. We also dissect the manipulative tactics used to maintain dominance, setting a stage that often feels inescapable for the victim.

Ending on a note of empowerment, we affirm the transformative power of self-compassion and the vital role self-care plays in healing. We liken the struggle to a fish's fight for freedom from a hook, celebrating the resilience that comes with awakening and recovery. This heart-to-heart is not just a conversation—it's a lifeline, offering solace and strength to anyone striving to break free and chart a course toward a healthier, more fulfilling life. Join us for this profound journey of self-rediscovery and healing.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Would you swim with a shark without any protection whatsoever? I know you wouldn't probably wouldn't. Then why is it that you've actually been in a toxic relationship? I know it doesn't make any sense when we think about it in that way. So what I want to do for you today is give you the five steps of what happens and why it is that we're caught up in these relationships and it's so hard to actually get ourselves untangled. So I want you to really think about how you got involved in the relationship, because once we're in, it's really really tough.

Speaker 1: 0:41

On the concept of sharks, we're going to be looking at fish today. So we're going to be going on a fishing expedition. You and I. We're going to be spending some time relaxing, imagining that we're on a beautiful boat together and we're together fishing and really looking at this whole concept of fishing. Now, if you are an expert in fishing, I do apologize. I really don't know that much about fishing, but let's just go with this theme.

Speaker 1: 1:09

So what happens when we get into a toxic relationship is they hook us in. You're going about your business, you're enjoying life, you're swimming, you're loving life and living life. You're probably at your peak and then here comes the hook bait and you're hooked into this narcissistic or toxic relationship that has been so devastating for your life and it's just been one of the most dangerous things that you've probably experienced or has really taken so much out of you that it's taking a long time for you to get yourself back Now. One of the ways that toxic people can hook people in is by saying something like I need you, I need your help. Or they can be charming, but the key here is they can sometimes come across as being vulnerable, as being the innocent one, as being the one that was in a difficult relationship before and has suffered so much it's been really difficult for them, has suffered so much, it's been really difficult for them, poor them. And if you get hooked into that, you get this feeling of wanting to help, wanting to be that person to give them that love that they need, and you get that feeling of I am needed. And then they've hooked you in Now as an empath.

Speaker 1: 2:43

If you are an empath which I'm assuming you are you want to help people. You might have trauma from a young age, so you might even want to be needed, to be loved. It feels good to be needed. It's slightly different from actually contributing to the world. Right, because there's an element of trauma associated, being wanting to have that feeling of being needed, of being wanted, of being. It's connected to really wanting love and, as you know, one of the major things that we need to do when we've been in toxic relationships is cultivate self-love again.

Speaker 1: 3:24

This whole process of being in a toxic relationship is really about finding you again. It's the whole process of deep self-realization. We're really looking to find ourselves when we want to know who we are again ourselves. We want to know who we are again. But when we've been or been through a toxic relationship, we need to look back, and this is what we're going to do. We're going to look at those five steps today. The first step is that hook. How did they get you to feel wanted, to feel needed? It's really important to reflect back, because that is how they hook you into giving them attention.

Speaker 1: 4:09

Everything that the narcissist or toxic person needs is attention. They're trying to take your energy. They're trying to take your attention. That's why, a lot of the times when we've been in toxic relationships, we don't end up doing as well at work or in other areas of our life, because it feels like they take up all our attention. We're always constantly thinking about them. We're constantly thinking about what they did to us. We're thinking about how to be better around them so that they don't get angry or whatever it is. So we're always looking to mold ourself so that we can fit in and be who they want us to be. So let's look at this hook. When they hooked you in, they were looking to get your attention, and once you're hooked in, it's so hard to let go and that's where we tend to stay in that relationship until we wake up and realize what's happened.

Speaker 1: 5:14

If anyone asks for you to help them, it might be that they're trying to get you to help them because you want to be seen or to be proved to somebody that you're a good person, right, and that might be due to some trauma at a younger age. Yeah, it might be some sort of conditioning that you want others to see you in a good light and you don't want others to judge you. Should you do something that might be seen as being bad, okay, so that might be that there's some childhood conditioning going on where you feel that you have to please other people and be that good human being. That's basically the trauma of fawn. Yeah, fawn is people pleasing, basically, and if you're a people pleaser, that means that you have got some trauma. Yeah, that's what causes people-pleasing.

Speaker 1: 6:10

You see, what they do as toxic people is use problems or past sadness to draw people in. They're trying to say, huh, I am going to use this problem to draw them in. And a lot of the time they target people. So they're targeting the fish. When you go fishing, they're targeting. It's premeditated, it's not just, oh, actually, you just happen to be there. They pick and choose who they want to be with. So it always mostly begins with them being vulnerable in some way and drawing you in in some way so that you can prove or make things better for them. And what they're doing is drawing you into this web and suddenly and slowly, they start taking complete control of your attention, of where you put your attention, attention of where you put your attention, and if you don't do what they want and how they want, they will punish you. That's what they do. Then they get to a point where they are completely in control.

Speaker 1: 7:25

Then, whilst they're doing this, they are abusing you and I'm going to break all these steps down and one of the main ways that people are abused is that they change belief systems. Okay, this is the worst thing that they do. One is the emotional trauma. Two is they change your whole belief system. That's why it takes proactive changing and healing, you know, to actually release all of this. That's why it's so difficult and people don't realize how hard it is and the type of therapy that is needed to actually release it all. And the worst thing is there's a psychological element to it, because they will call you manipulative you're a liar, you're evil, you're this, you're that. And all the while they're trying to persuade you to be, they're basically isolating you. When they're doing all of that, one of the things to do they're doing is to try and influence your thinking, your beliefs, and they will try and remove and isolate you from people. So let's just go through this right.

Speaker 1: 8:36

Step one they will target you first. Okay, how are you going to meet their needs? So that's the first thing they basically analyze. They're not going to just pick on anyone. You've got to be. You are actually really valuable. There is a lot about you, that is, you have a lot to offer. Otherwise we wouldn't have targeted you in the first place. Step two is they're trying to hook you in. How do they get you to get your attention? And one of the biggest things that narcissists do with empaths is try and get you to help them feel better in some way. You want to help them in some way to feel like to be that good person, to be the empath to help another human being. So that's step number two.

Speaker 1: 9:28

Step number three, once they've got your attention, is they're going to start to focus on isolating you. Isolation is a major, major thing and there's a reason for this because they have to isolate you before they do step four and we'll go into step four in a second. But they're trying to take all your attention and all your focus and during this stage, they're going to be doing stuff and pretending everything is okay, like they're going to, you know, tell you that you know everything's okay. You know this is probably the love bombing phase to some degree, right, but they're isolating you. And then you have to prove to them all the time like, oh, you know I am a good person or I do love you, and one of the key things that they love saying is you don't love me or you don't have, you're not giving me the attention that I need. You keep spending time with your family. You don't love me. This is an isolation situation, right, and sometimes, if we don't have a clear understanding of what love is, we can think that this isolation phase is a show of love. It's not. This isn't love. Trying to isolate you from people that love you and from people, things that you enjoy, isn't love, is the opposite of love. Yeah, and you're trying to get them to love you again or whatever it is, and then you're then trying to prove that everything is okay, or you do love them and you're giving them more attention that way.

Speaker 1: 11:16

Then, step four, it feels like Groundhog Day. Have you ever been in that scenario where you're just literally feeling like, oh, life is such a struggle, life is such a struggle. I get up, I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I clean, I look after the children, I make sure they've done it, whatever it is that you're doing, and then they're giving you a hard time. You have to keep your phone on you at all times because they might call and, just in case, if you don't respond straight away, then you're in trouble. And with that, the Groundhog Day, there's repeated messaging that they're giving you and with that messaging is a threat yeah, that if you don't follow what I want and what I'm saying, then you will lose this or you will lose that, or I'm going to do this, or I've got this information on you and I'm going to tell these people and I'm going to do this. So they're using fear and if you don't follow what they want threats, if you don't comply with what I want, I'm going to tell these people, I'm going to shame you, I'm going to guilt you. This is exactly what is used by prisoners of war. Okay, they isolate. So say, if you're an American and you've been caught as a prisoner of war, they will isolate you from all the other American prisoners of war.

Speaker 1: 12:48

Okay, and then they will give out repetitive messaging over loud speaker, repetitive messaging, loud speaker. They make sure that they instill threats through fear, through, maybe, abuse, physical abuse, or through sleep deprivation. I don't know about you, but how many of you have actually experienced sleep deprivation in a toxic relationship? That is like being in such a stressful scenario, and all the time what they're doing is they're also projecting onto you and saying that you are this, you are that, you're evil, you're egotistical. You're this and making you out to be a bad person. You don't love me, you're really selfish, you're not a good mother, you're not a good father all this stuff repeated messaging over and over again, albeit whatever you do. They laugh at you or they say that all your food's terrible. What they're saying is you're not good enough. You're not good enough.

Speaker 1: 13:54

In lots of different ways that is repeated messaging. It doesn't have to be words. Sometimes it can be done in the actions and the way they make you feel about yourself. Okay so, but it's still repeated messaging. They could say, on one hand, I'm so glad that you're doing well at work, but on the other hand, they make you feel terrible about yourself and then you feel scared about saying anything about having your needs met, because they're trying to make you feel fearful and threatening you that if you don't do what they want, then you're a bad person. So that's the repeated messaging. And with that they bring in some threats and stuff that they'll tell other people what you're doing or make up stuff. A lot of it is made up and exaggerated anyway.

Speaker 1: 14:45

Step number four then they intensify the devaluation and abuse. They start projecting all of their own negative qualities onto you. This is basically the dehumanization. I don't know if you've heard the word dehumanization before, but overall, what they are making you feel is that you're not worthy of being a human being or you don't have a purpose. This is why, earlier on, I said, this process of healing yourself is about self-realization.

Speaker 1: 15:29

What the narcissist or a toxic relationship has done is pretty much stripped away your purpose, your meaning for life, your want to be alive. Sometimes, at the core, they don't see you as a human being. They objectify you. It's like you don't have any rights. You don't have any rights, you don't have any needs, and this is what we've really got to reverse. Okay, you do have a purpose, you are a human being and what you've experienced is this feeling of that you're not worthy of even being a human being, of existing, and we need to actually work through this step by step, so that you can actually feel that you have every right to be alive. Because you are alive. I mean, there's nothing who says you're not allowed to be here or you shouldn't be here. For what reason? And a lot of the time, these feelings or this sense is subconscious, because it actually doesn't make any logical sense that you might have this.

Speaker 1: 16:45

So step five is the dehumanization. This is what you feel now that you're not allowed to have any needs, any wants, any thoughts, any feelings. Of course that's going to impact our self-worth and it's the effects of devaluation. That occurs on such a deep level when we're trying to work through a trauma wound. The trauma response where we're fighting and we're trying to prove our worth is basically we're trying to prove our worth of being worthy of being alive, of being a human being at the core yeah, you know, being worthy of being alive.

Speaker 1: 17:33

If you've ever been so frustrated because there's a problem that you're trying to solve and you can't solve it, and that is how your whole life can feel. When you've been in a toxic relationship, because, no matter how much you try and prove that you're worthy of being alive, it's impossible to actually get this person to agree to that and your whole life can go into focusing on trying to solve this problem. That is inherently impossible. When you're out, when you realize that there's no solution and genuinely there is no solution, you don't then need to get their approval. One you don't have their approval and two you don't need it. Nothing you can do can change the fact that they will not give you this feeling of yes. They will not give you this feeling of yes, you're worthy as a human being, but the problem now is our belief system is that maybe I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy.

Speaker 1: 18:43

The self-worth has been depleted, the power of your life is pretty much in someone else's hands, because they dictate whether you're worth living or not, in a sense, and that is your subconscious belief that actually somebody else has the power over my life. Somebody else has to validate me to let me know that I am worthy of living, if you like, and it doesn't matter what you do. You can't do anything right for these people, and when people know they're in control and that you need that validation, they will use it to control you. It's a means of controlling and you can't do any right. You can't win, because a lot of the time this is the worst part, right. A lot of the time it's not based on anything. It's just based on an illusion.

Speaker 1: 19:38

A lot of the time we're trying to prove ourselves to some things that just don't make any logical sense, and I don't know if you've ever been in that scenario where you're having this conversation. You've started something and it's gone in so many different directions. It's called word salad. They just throw loads of different things in there so that they can distract you. You don't know where you started, where you end. You had something to get across and it's just like a complete. It actually feels like your whole brain has been scrambled like a scrambled egg and it's like they become the judge and the jury of what is the truth of your experiences. It's like you've got, you know. We don't even know what the truth is anymore. You know, and they hold that key.

Speaker 1: 20:25

Unfortunately, then, when we are allowing somebody to dictate what we're worthy of or how worthy we are of our life, we're basically saying somebody else is judge and jury over our truth. Because the truth of the matter is you have every right to be here and you feel then that you can't even speak your truth. You can't speak how you feel. You can't speak your thoughts. It's like only what they even speak your truth. You can't speak how you feel. You can't speak your thoughts. It's like they're only there. What they say is the truth and what you believe isn't, and that their version is the only version of truth, which is complete nonsense when we logically think about it. And they believe their way is the best way, their way is perfection, and it's completely devoid of reality. It's like we have to. You can't you know.

Speaker 1: 21:21

It's like say, if you've been, you know that you've been in a toxic relationship where they say you know, you, it's bad that you've been in a relationship before, or it's bad that you're working. Only you know fathers can work, or or vice versa. You know all of these are just nonsense. Belief systems right, but they can make you feel denigrated and look down and you feel like you're not enough because it's not just their beliefs. It could be that all the family's beliefs are the same as well. They could be toxic beliefs in the family that they're carrying right.

Speaker 1: 22:05

But when you put it all together and you really look at it, on paper it's actually a lot of. It is just nonsensical and dehumanization at the core, where they're trying to say that you're not good enough, you're not worth being here or worthy of being a human being, which is dehumanization. You're not worthy of having your own feelings, your thoughts. You know none of that. And it's actually not based on any reality whatsoever, because their judgment is based on themselves seeing the truth and this can get out of hand. I mean, some toxic people can do some really, really bad things because they you know, it's like the prisoners of wars, where they're indoctrinating the soldiers of war over a number of years and they get to a point where they'll do anything and a lot of the time.

Speaker 1: 23:05

If we've had this put on us over and over again, then we can start to believe some of their nonsense stuff. So we really really need to look at our belief systems. That's what I want to get across here. If they are playing the victim, they are trying to say that others have said this and they're taking it out of context and all the rest of it. They're going to say all this nonsense. You really need to look at. Okay, what is my belief system? I don't care what they believe. They can believe whatever they want. They're going to believe a load of rubbish, you know. But what do I believe? The only thing that matters in this and sometimes we can get caught up with the injustice of it and it is really, really painful, but we don't want to look at what it is that they believe and what they're saying to other people, because it's so tough to get out of that.

Speaker 1: 24:01

I want you to really look at. What is it that you believe? What is it that you believe about yourself now and can you change anything that they have indoctrinated into you? You know, made you believe because of this relationship and until now. This is key here because it's all about belief systems ultimately and obviously trauma. Okay, so there's emotional wounds that you've got, there's no doubt. So you have to release the emotional wounds that you've got. There's no doubt. So you have to release the emotional wounds before you can look at your own belief systems. But you'll be able to tell that there's some belief systems about yourself now that you have that you didn't have before.

Speaker 1: 24:42

But now, one of the things I really want to bring up about belief systems is if you are thinking that maybe your partner will change, or the person will change, or they're telling you that they're changing, can you see if they have changed their belief system? Can you see if they have fundamentally released some of these old way of thinking? Released some of these old way of thinking. Say, for instance, they're saying to you yeah, I believe that women should work, but actually they're still showing signs of not recognizing that you need time to work. They're not acknowledging that you're taking care of the children and providing childcare maintenance, for instance, then you know that their belief system isn't what they're saying they believe. Okay.

Speaker 1: 25:42

So if someone believes something, they are likely to re-offend. Okay. So if you look at prisoners, for instance, if someone has a belief system that is like, oh, I don't know, women are all evil and they've actually abused women, or women that have abused men and they think men are all evil, so if we look at their belief system, if their belief system hasn't changed once they're out of prison, they're going to re-offend. Okay. So we have to also look at our own belief system in the same way.

Speaker 1: 26:21

So if you've been in a relationship where you believe you're not good enough, for instance, if you don't change your belief system, you will always re-offend with that belief system where you'll think that you're not good enough and hold yourself back, you might procrastinate. You will always re-offend until you have looked at the belief system and healed the trauma wound underneath that. It's not going to go away unless you change your belief. It's the beliefs that are driving your behavior. If you're procrastinating, it's the belief that is driving that behavior of procrastinating. If you want to do a business but you're not doing it at the moment. It's a belief driving you not to do it at the moment. You might be doing other things.

Speaker 1: 27:09

Okay, so then, unless we change the belief, then we can't change anything. And that's how a narcissist can play the system. We know a lot of the time that the narcissist plays the system. They go in, they pretend that they're a changed person, but the truth of the matter is, until they can change their belief system, they're going to keep reoffending, despite how charming and wonderful and all the rest of it, or being a victim they are in front of the system itself. So if we don't change beliefs, they don't disappear. You can't change yourself overnight. It doesn't happen. It does take intensive work.

Speaker 1: 27:56

These beliefs are entrenched, sometimes right, they're really entrenched so they can say all the right things, but it's unlikely they will change based on their actions. So if you're hoping that the narcissist or the toxic person will just change by themselves, it's really about them having to change their fundamental belief system and then change. And also they need to learn how to have empathy, which is difficult for them if they have a narcissistic personality disorder. At the moment, science hasn't revealed a way of actually creating empathy in the brain where there isn't any or there isn't as much. So when we believe with a feeling, there's not just emotions, there's not just thoughts that are, you know, it's also the emotions are tied into it. And where there's a trauma bond, there's beliefs entrenched with emotion.

Speaker 1: 28:57

And that's how, a lot of the time, our beliefs are developed through family, family cultures. So, and we are there's so much tied into family belief systems because we believe that if we don't do what the family does, we're going to be risking our survival Okay, we're going to get kicked out of our family as a young child. So then, basically, we have these entrenched beliefs that we don't genuinely challenge that much. So we have to really be open to looking at our belief systems and looking at which ones do I want to challenge, you know, which ones don't actually benefit me anymore, which ones are not benefiting me. And so that we can then don't keep conforming to these belief systems, we have to find a way of releasing them. You know, basically, we can tell what a person's like when we really understand their belief system.

Speaker 1: 29:56

So if you are going to go into a new relationship with anyone, you really want to understand what do they believe? Yeah, what are their belief systems about? You know, what do they? How do they want to live their life Not them trying to show you that they have empathy, but really watching, okay, what do they believe? So that's why, a lot of the time, if you can see a toxic person or see a new person that you're dating reacting to different things that are unusual like how do they react to the waiter or waitress in a restaurant you can really see, okay, what are their belief systems about? Do they acknowledge people? Or how do they treat others? You know, so this helps you understand belief systems.

Speaker 1: 30:44

So this is what I really wanted to share with you today, and if you are looking to change your belief systems and you want to heal, I am taking limited people onto the Heal to Thrive program. If you are interested in that, then do have a look and apply for a one-to-one session, and we can see if we align for that. There are limited numbers every month, though. The other thing is look, love is the biggest healer. You deserve love, without a doubt. You really do deserve love, and the most important person that you need love from is you. You need to love you for you, uniquely you. You really don't need anyone to tell you that you're worthy of love. You really are. You know you need to start cultivating that love, that compassion, that care, that kindness.

Speaker 1: 31:37

Please, this week, until next time, be kind to yourself Every opportunity you can get, be loving towards yourself, be considerate and be understanding. You've been through so much. You've been through these five steps and it's been tough. It wasn't your fault because, just like a fish, if it gets hooked in, it's hard to let go. It's the same scenario, but you've awoken, you've become aware. Now and give yourself the love, give yourself the compassion that you are awake, you are aware. Okay, sending you so much love till next time.