Toxic Relationships: Are You Holding On To, What's Holding You Back?

Have you ever wondered what lies beyond the pain of a past toxic relationship, and how you could possibly rekindle the flame of self-love within? Today's heartfelt exploration dives into the very essence of rebuilding that profound connection with yourself. Amidst the journey, we untangle the complex web of why we sometimes cling to relationships that hurt us, from the science of hormonal attachments to the deep-rooted fears of grieving lost dreams. You'll learn how the road to recovery demands more than just self-care; it requires a steadfast commitment to self-love as the cornerstone for all healing and growth.

Navigating the stormy seas of a relationship with a narcissist can leave even the strongest souls capsized in a sea of confusion and self-doubt. In this episode, we pull back the veil on the unpredictable stress these interactions provoke, detailing how it can lead to a brain that's out of sync and a sense of self that's diminished. We confront the futile pursuit of trying to 'fix' someone resistant to change and offer a compassionate reminder: your worth is not defined by the wounds inflicted upon you. Instead, we foster a space for resilience and reclamation of your inherent value.

Embrace yourself for a transformative odyssey into the heart of self-love and worth, where you'll be invited to challenge the negative beliefs that may be holding you captive. Discover the unconditional acceptance that resides within you and the healing power it holds. We introduce a guiding light in the form of a 21-day program, Reclaim Your Power, to usher you along the path of nurturing self-love. This episode isn't just a conversation; it's a clarion call to honor the love you deserve and to step boldly into a life where you are the cherished protagonist.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Today we're going to be looking a little bit more into self-love Now. The reason why I want to spend some time here is because a lot of the time when we've been in a difficult or toxic relationship, it actually boils down to one thing, which is do we really love ourself enough to actually heal ourself, or to go for that promotion, or to get that loving relationship or to really heal? Even so, I really wanted to explore this because, you know, sometimes we can think we love ourself and actually, you know, self-love is not getting your nails done or having a bath or taking care of yourself. That's self-care. We're really going to explore what is it to actually love ourself is that we have to learn how to raise our standards for making sure that we find love moving forward so that we can actually live a happier life moving forward, no matter what you've been through before. And it's actually a time to look at, okay, what kind of breakups have I been through or what kind of relationships have I been through?

Speaker 1: 1:26

And actually, acknowledging that it's painful, it's really really painful that, even though you might know that this person's not right for you, there's been relationships where you this is basically a relationship that you feel maybe I was in it too long, and it's that knowing that you've been in it too long, too long for what you wanted. And sometimes you might even look back and think, if you married that person that you knew as you was walking down the aisleles that there was something not quite right. Or maybe it was at the honeymoon you knew, ah, there's something not quite right here. Or maybe it was the moment that they asked you to marry them or you asked them to marry you and there was just something not quite right inside. There was something off within you and you just knew something wasn't right. But you still went through with it anyway. And it might be that you thought, oh, they're a good person or I like their family, or whatever it might have been that made you stay in that relationship too long.

Speaker 1: 2:50

But you know, eventually it's going to break up, for whatever reason, because it's painful being with them, but it's also painful breaking up with them. That's the problem in an unhealthy relationship and a lot of the times we're not breaking up with them. That's the problem in an unhealthy relationship and a lot of the times we're not breaking up with these people. One, because there's a hormonal element to this. We get addicted to that person. We almost don't know life without them because our whole focus changes, where we no longer focus on ourself, we don't even know who we are and our whole focus is focusing on this person, giving to them, trying to be enough for them. So we don't even we don't focus on ourself anymore, we're just focusing on this person and trying to give them everything we can.

Speaker 1: 3:47

So it's understandable that there's an element of what am I going to do if I'm not with this person? Like, what is the point to my life? Because for a while, for a long time, your whole existence has been immersed and absorbed and focused on this person all the time. And there's also so the hormones are kicking in, so there's a lot of stress, there's a lot of adrenaline and our body actually gets addicted to that because we've been in it for so long. So actually releasing yourself from that trauma is actually quite difficult. Even though there is trauma, there is that trauma bond. You know that you're used to this whole scenario. Do this whole scenario?

Speaker 1: 4:50

Secondly, there's also an element of oh my gosh, you know what happens if I split up with them. You know what happens. Am I the responsible one for breaking everything up. Look, a lot of the time we have been in this relationship because our identity is immersed in this whole relationship. We have a community of people that you're in this relationship with. Your friends are part of this relationship. You identify with their family, there's the home, there's everything associated with them and actually it's really difficult to let go of all of this because it's not that straightforward to actually let it go. And you having to kind of let go is not just letting go of them, it's letting go of everything. It's letting go of your them, it's letting go of everything. It's letting go of your identity, it's letting go of who you are, and it's so tough sometimes. The third thing is you have to grieve. So it's not only what you've been through already, but you're going to have to. Once you've made that decision, you're going to have to grieve and you're going to have to let go of all the things that you, you know, you wanted, the hope, everything, and sometimes we can go through a huge amount.

Speaker 1: 6:22

It's like chronic grief, where you continually tell yourself what they did to you. You continually I mean, I have been in, you know taxis, and sometimes I hear the taxi driver tell me oh, you know, they did this to me and they did that to me. And they're talking about their ex-partner as if it just happened a year ago or six months ago. It's very intense. They're explaining everything they did and I ask them oh okay, how long ago was it? And sometimes it's like 10 years ago and they're still still talking about it with such passion because there's so much grief around that they haven't got over it. They haven't processed that grief.

Speaker 1: 7:11

And it's really important to actually give yourself that time to grieve, because it's only when we can say you know what I feel. I'm going to let go of that. I wish things were different, I wish they were okay, I wish they hadn't done this to me. We have to let go of what we had wanted, otherwise we're still holding on to. Maybe things can be different. You know, we have to get to that point of actually accepting it wasn't what we wanted and then we can let go of the disappointment of things not quite being the way we wanted it to be.

Speaker 1: 7:55

So it's really tough actually letting go and moving forward. It's not that straightforward. But we have to really consider how much pain it's cost us you know, being in that relationship and how much pain it's costing us right now and how much pain is it going to cost you in the future? Because usually with trauma and with toxic relationships, there's going to be more trauma for you moving forward. And that's the hard bit, that's the painful bit, because whichever way you look at it, it's going to be painful.

Speaker 1: 8:35

But what is the worst part of it? Maybe you can go through the pain, but something great happens you actually find the right person for yourself, or you actually find joy, you find happiness, but, let's face it, you don't know for sure, do you? There's still so much fear and if you think about it, what has this toxic person done to you? This toxic person done to you? They have literally instilled you with a ton of fear, fear, constant fear, and your brain is set up to actually repeatedly feel fear. Now I really want to talk to you about you know what you've been through and when we've been in a toxic relationship.

Speaker 1: 9:26

You might find that before you met this person, you were able to deal with stress. You know you fix things, you're a problem solver, you analyze things, you thrive on stress, you're a constant fixing problem solver and somewhere along the lines you thought that maybe you could fix this person and unfortunately you took on somebody that cannot be fixed. If anything, they break people down and that's the narcissist or the psychopath. The reason why they've they managed to break us down so much is that the way the brain works okay, the way the brain works is that if there is, um, that stress that is predictable, you can actually fix it and thrive off it and you actually become resilient. Yeah, you become more and more resilient and you kind of like it because it's a challenge, but it's predictable stress. The brain becomes more and more resilient. You become more and more confident. You become more and more confident. You become more and more you build your self-worth. You build your self-esteem as you fix and solve problems etc.

Speaker 1: 10:52

But where you've got unpredictable stress which is pretty much what you're dealing with with a narcissist it's your brain can't take it. It literally shuts down and becomes. You become vulnerable rather than resilient. You go the opposite way you become fearful, you become stressed, you become. It doesn't allow your brain to function properly. So this is the biggest difference. So you might be might be thinking well, I should be able to handle the stress, I should be able to problem solve. Yes, you are a good problem solver, you are good at analyzing, but unfortunately this kind of level of stress, which is unpredictable, you just don't know what's going to happen can wear you out.

Speaker 1: 11:52

Have you guys ever played whack-a-mole? It's that game where you know you've got a mullet in your hand and you have to whack the mole as it pops up. Yeah, it pops up. It's like in you might play in arcades as well, as sometimes. So the mole pops up and you have to whack it. You have to get it and it's always slow to begin with and it feels easy and there's always space in between so that you can regulate and you can relax and you feel the relief.

Speaker 1: 12:17

But it gets to a point where you can't. There's just too many. You know there's too many and you can't manage to get them all out. That's pretty much the way we fall into the trap of being around with a narcissist. It's slow to begin with in terms of the issues. We handle them, we have a sense of relief and then eventually they just come, like there's a steady stream of all these issues constantly, and that's why there's sayings like you know, it's death by a hundred paper cuts because there's just so much there, there's so many issues, that your brain literally gets dysregulated and you can't actually manage what you used to be able to manage before. And it's not because you're not competent, it's actually you are competent. But it doesn't matter how competent you are, it makes no difference.

Speaker 1: 13:19

The brain behaves in the way that the brain behaves because it's there to protect you. It's there to keep you safe and if you're overwhelmed in this way, it's going to shut down your thinking part of the brain. It's going to shut down your ability to connect to people and pick decent people because it's scared, it doesn't feel safe in relationships anymore. So we will never be happy, we'll never be in peace, at peace, and if we're around people or we're staying in relationships that are just not working, that are not fit or right for us, because our brain doesn't allow us to feel that way, that it doesn't allow us that space and time to regulate and that's the thing with abusive relationships or narcissistic ones is that you have believed it's gonna change for so long. You're waiting for that reprieve. You're waiting for that it's gonna get it fixed, but there's no evidence that the relationship is going to change.

Speaker 1: 14:26

You've tried everything. You've brought yourself to a space and time where you've got yourself into feeling so vulnerable because you're not able to fix everything, that you've actually managed to bring your standards down over time and our self-worth and self-love has depreciated because we can't see how amazing you are, because we don't practice that. We don't practice seeing our value, we don't practice. It's like anything If you don't practice a language, you will forget the language you know if it's a secondary language that you use. If you don't practice, you know riding a bike, you'll feel rusty to begin with, right? So it's the same thing if there's a skill. If you used to play piano or if you used to, you know, if you don't practice, then you're not going to be able to do the skills.

Speaker 1: 15:27

Like you know, sometimes I find with my 10-year-old son I'm struggling with maths because I haven't been practicing the maths that he's doing at school. I know it sounds crazy, but I have to sometimes Google things. You know, like, what is it? How do you do this? Oh, and remind myself, you know, so that I can support him in his homework. So if we don't practice resilience, if we don't practice problem solving and knowing that we're able to fix it, fix things, and instead we're dealing with a narcissist who is literally throwing stuff at us constantly about how we're not good enough. We are going to question our worth and we're going to start to question is life worth it? Is this? All there is for me Is this life? And you start to struggle and it's just.

Speaker 1: 16:27

The truth of the matter is the relationship isn't going to work, and you already know that because you've tried everything and you're listening to this podcast, so you know somewhere along the lines this isn't going to work. But the most important thing you want to do is please don't judge yourself. It can happen to anyone, especially if you've been or if you've grown up where you've had some sort of trauma relationship and you're just learning to compromise all the time and trying not to be too rigid and you're trying to be flexible, but all you're doing is walking on eggshells every day and trying to figure out what I should do, what I should say. How many times am I going to put up with this? Are they going to be okay? And you're walking on those eggshells every day.

Speaker 1: 17:23

It is so hard because nothing is predictable and the brain can't deal with it. When there's not predictable stress, you just cannot. Your brain does not allow you to feel safe. You don't feel safe and you have to ingrain new habits where you have to say I'm going to make this year something special for myself. I'm going to change something where I am going to have enough self-worth to actually get the therapy that I need, rather than waiting for them to get to some self-awareness. I'm going to change things so that I have some reprieve, I have some time to actually heal my brain, rather than going through this uncomfortability over and over and over again because it's not going to change. They're going to keep hurting you and it's going to keep being unpredictable and that is going to really mess with your brain. There's science about this. It's not going to change.

Speaker 1: 18:40

You can't suddenly change this person into not being a narcissist. They're not going to have a personality transplant or something you know, someone that is toxic or abusive or in a narcissistic relationships. You know they're making you unhappy every day, every single day. Every day you're like stressed. It's hard. They make you feel unhappy, they make you feel like you're not good enough and all that is doing is changing your identity, of who you are, and then you start to go oh, it's okay, I will compromise myself and that lack of self-love is like you're not allowing yourself to acknowledge that something's just not right at the moment. You know something isn't okay and what happens as our self-love depreciates, you know we don't really look at, we're not willing to walk away.

Speaker 1: 19:53

We've got to get to a space where we have I love ourself enough to want a life that you truly love, that actually meets your potential of who you are, and you really start to look at okay, this is the space I'm at and I am going to learn to love myself wherever I am and then grow and evolve from there. And actually you really look at what are my values? Who am I? What is it about me that makes me so unique? What is it about me that you know, in relation to the way I deal with people, the kind of compassion I have, or you know what makes me an empath, and then really start cultivating that empathy, that compassion for yourself, and allow that to be a wake-up call for you and see that how this person is affecting you is hurting people, it's hurting you, is hurting people, it's hurting you, and that you really want to get to a point where you're learning to love and trust yourself and say you know what? I am enough, I am enough to actually look at the foundations of this relationship and does it give me the foundation of trust, the foundation of love that I think I am giving to other people?

Speaker 1: 21:33

You have to really examine your relationship and be honest and the truth of the matter is your relationship with the narcissist or whoever it is, all your relationships are actually a reflection of your own self-love, the level of self-love that you have, this level of self-worth that you have. And if you don't value yourself enough to be in an honest relationship, in a loving relationship and you're not honest about this is really affecting me then you're not giving yourself that love. You're not listening, you're not hearing yourself, you're not heard by you. That's an act of self-love to actually hear. Am I feeling safe Taking the time out to actually hear and question yourself? Am I hearing me? Am I being honest with me? They might be lying to you. They're gaslighting you. They're doing all of that. Are you being honest with yourself? Are you? Are you really loving you?

Speaker 1: 23:03

That's where, sometimes, the relationship with the narcissist is a mirror of what's going on within ourself. Are you being loving towards yourself or are you going to allow this to continue. The truth of the matter is, you don't deserve to be in this person's company. You don't deserve to be with someone who is so entitled and is constantly abusing you, and you're constantly accepting that their reality, their distorted reality, is okay and that you're having to put up with it and love them and give to them so that you can somehow get them to see that you're worthy. You were never to their standard because they always thought they were above everyone and everything, but the truth of the matter is they were never to your standard in the first place.

Speaker 1: 24:12

You are worth so much more, but do you see it? Do you see how much you are worth? Do you love yourself? Are you being kind to yourself? Are you being generous to yourself? Are you taking the time to be generous to yourself by listening, by hearing, by feeling and asking the questions? Listening by hearing, by feeling and asking the questions instead of questioning? Why are they treating you this way? I want to ask you why are you treating yourself this way? Look, I know what you're going through is so tough, but I want you to understand what self-love is and really understand that actually you can start to change everything, starting with yourself.

Speaker 1: 25:11

Today, after this podcast, now, during this podcast, this podcast this is like my invitation to you today I really want you wholeheartedly to consider even a small step forward every day as a commitment to love yourself and then, over time, like a ship changing direction, slowly, slowly, day by day, you're going to start to build self-worth and self-love. But ask these questions Are you a high value person and what does it mean to get into a relationship with someone who is a high value person? Do you sometimes feel like you can't have someone that loves you because you think that is out of your league, to have someone that really, really, really loves you and who put that idea into your head anyway? Why would one person deserve more love than another?

Speaker 1: 26:35

If you believe in God or the universe, or creation or source, energy or anything, why on earth do you think God or the universe or source would ever think that one person was worth more love than another? Do you think that the father in heaven could ever choose between his children? Look, I don't know if you believe in God, but one thing I know is, whatever you call it, it loves unconditionally and it loves you unconditionally. But do you love yourself? Do you love yourself and today can you start to really feel that maybe the universe or God loves you wholeheartedly, and maybe every day you could just look in the mirror and say you know what? I am loved, I am loved, and say your name out loud and look into your eyes and say you are loved, you are so loved, and really sit there in awe of who you are and take that moment.

Speaker 1: 28:22

I really want you to make a commitment today to look at one way that you can start to spend some time to hear you love you and look at your worth, no matter what this person has said to you or what they are saying to you or what they will say to you. I want you to shut your ears to this person and start opening your ears to the person inside of you. That's all that matters. The relationship that you have with yourself is the most important relationship that you'll ever have, because you hear yourself all the time. You are more powerful for you than that person, the narcissist. That's what I'm trying to get across. Please do what you need to do today. Look at what it is that you need to do. Start feeling what you're feeling. Start hearing the thoughts that are going on. Don't numb yourself to carry on. Don't keep giving to exhaustion. Take even five minutes out to feel and to process your emotions.

Speaker 1: 29:17

Now, look, I'm going to be frank with you talk therapy, talking about it, going over it and over it. You know this is trauma. What you've gone through. If you've been in a toxic relationship and it's been you just don't know what to expect. That means that you'll be dysregulated. That means that your brain would have changed and you really need to proactively change your brain back. That means that you will need to do some trauma therapy and actually start healing some of those emotional wounds that have happened and acknowledge all of that and start processing all of that. There really is no other way. It's just fact. There's science behind this.

Speaker 1: 30:00

You need to process the trauma so that you can get yourself back, so you can feel whole again, and it's a daily process. You need to work on yourself daily. Just imagine how many days has the narcissist worked on you or the psychopath worked on you to actually change you, so that you have less self-worth and self-love. But today, if you can really talk to yourself, you know in a loving way. How do you talk to yourself. Start noticing If you make a mistake. How do you talk to yourself? Can you promise that you're going to start being kinder? Maybe just tell yourself you know what. It's okay, you've made a mistake, I know, you're doing great. How are you going to speak to yourself? Moving forward? That's the question I've got to you today. How are you going to start healing yourself so that you can move forward? You need to be compassionate and you need self-love and self-worth to actually start the healing process. I'll give you an example.

Speaker 1: 31:15

So many people don't value themselves, so they don't actually get therapy. But yet if their pet was ill, they would somehow go beyond heaven and earth to actually get whatever it is that they need to heal. They will do that for their children. They'll do that for their friends. They'll do that for their family. They won't do it for themselves. Why? It's a really important question, why it makes no sense. You do it for everyone else that you love, but you won't do it for yourself.

Speaker 1: 32:08

What does that say? Let's start building self-love every day so we can get to that point where you put your oxygen mask on first and you do start taking care of yourself and you do start cultivating self-love. Now look if it is something that you want to explore, if you have got a trauma bond in particular that you want to release and you want to start releasing that bond with the toxic person, I do have a 21-day program. It's called Reclaim your Power. Have a look in the resources section. You know it's something you could start today, tomorrow, whenever you're ready, and start the process of self-love and self-worth. So today's biggest message for me was come on, start loving yourself and on that note, I'm going to send you so much love and I really hope that you make a commitment to really love yourself, because you do deserve it. Till next time, much love.