Dr. Sex Fairy
Did you ever realize that improved sexual health is a key ingredient to happiness and general wellness? I’m Dr. Kanwal Bawa, board-certified physician and founder of Bawa Medical, but I am better known as “Dr. Sex Fairy.” I have devoted my career and my medical practice to the rejuvenation and re-invigoration of my patients - from the inside out. I have worked with thousands of men and women from all walks of a life, improving their aesthetics, confidence, and most importantly, their sex lives. My passion, and this podcast’s mission, is to change lives; we will tackle the tough topics and delicate dilemmas with insight, expertise, and even a bit of humor. This show is a safe and fascinating conversation where all are included, nothing is off limits, and we embrace life’s challenges head on. So join me on this journey, and let Dr. Sex Fairy work some magic towards sexual satisfaction, renewed vitality, and a real sense of enjoyment...so you can live life to its fullest.
Dr. Sex Fairy
Ep. 33 - Bridging The Orgasm Gap
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To bridge the orgasm gap, we must first understand it. In a survey of over 2000 straight women, 57% said that they orgasm most or every time they have sex with a partner while 95% said that their partner orgasms most or every time. In a different survey, 64% of women and 91% of men said that they had had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter. It is apparent that there is a large gap between the number of women having orgasms and the number of men having orgasms. I am honored to be joined on this episode of the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast by Dr. Laurie Mintz, who is the author of the book “Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters- And How To Get It.”
Dr. Kanwal Bawa is Cleveland Clinic trained and a pioneer in the field of skin rejuvenation, hair restoration and sexual wellness. She has a state-of-the-art practice in Boca Raton, Florida called Bawa Medical. She earned the moniker Dr. Sex Fairy due to her incredible advances in the fields of both intimate and sexual wellness.
Her patients fly to her from all over the world for vaginal rejuvenation, penis enlargement, Erectile Dysfunction, enhanced performance, increased libido and more. She also provides virtual consultations for those who are unable to travel to her for in-office treatments.
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Ep. 33 - Bridging The Orgasm Gap
Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast
Host: Dr. Kanwal Bawa | Guest: Dr. Laurie Mintz | Runtime: 46:55 | Published: July 25, 2022
[00:12] The Orgasm Gap and Dr. Laurie Mintz
Dr. Bawa: Welcome back to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, and I am here to transform your life. Today’s episode is a very important one. We are here to discuss the orgasm gap. What is the orgasm gap? Let’s discuss the numbers. In a study of a little over 2,000 straight men and women, 57% of women said they orgasm most or every time they have sex with a partner, while 95% of men said they orgasm most or every time. In a different study, 64% of women and 91% of men said they had an orgasm during their most recent sexual encounter. It is quite apparent that there is an orgasm gap between the number of women having orgasms and the number of men having orgasms.
Dr. Bawa: I am honored to be joined in this episode of the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast by Dr. Laurie Mintz, who has written books such as Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship. Dr. Mintz is a feminist author, therapist, professor, and speaker. She teaches the psychology of human sexuality to hundreds of undergraduate students every year at the University of Florida, and she also teaches graduate students. Dr. Mintz has published more than 50 research articles in academic journals and several chapters in academic books. She has received multiple professional and teaching awards, is a fellow of the American Psychological Association, and writes a popular Psychology Today blog. I do not know how she even has time to have any orgasms herself. Welcome, Dr. Mintz.
Dr. Mintz: Thank you for that lovely introduction, and thank you for having me here. I can proudly say that I find time for my own orgasms.
Dr. Bawa: I am so proud of you. You are the patron saint of orgasms, right? We have so much in common. We come at it from different points of view, but we are both helping women reclaim their sexuality. Many women seem to take it for granted that they will not have orgasms. We need to change that.
Dr. Mintz: We are both here to change that. It is so true that many women do not have orgasms and say they are not upset about it. They say, “It’s okay.” I often think about why they say it is okay. It relates to something in psychology called cognitive dissonance. If you do not think you are going to have something, you diminish its importance in your mind. I am not here to put pressure on orgasm, because pressure makes orgasm less likely, but orgasm is one important pinnacle of the sexual experience. When half the population is having significantly fewer orgasms than the other half, we have a cultural problem.
[03:23] Why “Sex” Should Not Mean Only Intercourse
Dr. Bawa: Let’s discuss the difference between sex and intercourse. You went into it in detail in your book, and I think our listeners should care about it.
Dr. Mintz: Thank you for bringing that up. The chapter about the linguistic analysis of the way we talk about sex is one of the chapters I am most passionate about. The words we use to describe sex both reflect and perpetuate a cultural problem: we overvalue the male orgasm and devalue the female orgasm and female pleasure.
Dr. Mintz: We use the word “sex” synonymously with the word “intercourse.” That privileges male pleasure. We use the word “foreplay” as if everything that brings a woman pleasure is merely the lead-up to the main event. The bottom line is that most women do not orgasm from penetration alone. In research I cite, only about 4% of women say penetration alone is their most reliable route to orgasm. Yet we still use “sex” to mean intercourse, as if everything before it is merely foreplay and intercourse is the real sex, even though the so-called foreplay is much more likely to bring a woman to orgasm.
Dr. Mintz: If we overvalued female orgasm in the same way we overvalue male orgasm—and I am not suggesting that we should—we would call foreplay “sex” and intercourse the “post-play.” When you put it that way, it makes the imbalance obvious. Everything in a sexual encounter is equally sex. We should use precise terms such as oral sex, intercourse, manual stimulation, and so on.
[05:38] Vulva, Vagina, and Clitoral Anatomy
Dr. Mintz: Along those same linguistic lines, most of the nerve endings that are central to female orgasm are on the outside of the genitals, in what is called the vulva, rather than inside the vagina. The vagina is the canal where babies come out and penises, fingers, and sex toys can go in. Yet we call all of a woman’s genitals “the vagina.” Linguistically, we erase the part that gives women the most pleasure and instead name the genitals after the part that is most useful to babies and male partners.
Dr. Bawa: Agreed. There is an alarming number of women who do not understand their own anatomy, and I do not mean at a medical gross-anatomy level. I often find that my patients cannot differentiate the labia from the clitoris or understand where the clitoris is and how it is structured.
Dr. Mintz: Absolutely. When I work with women who are having difficulty with orgasm, the first step is educating them about their vulvar and genital anatomy. I send them a picture and ask them to look at themselves, learn the parts, and begin to appreciate the beauty of their own genitals.
Dr. Bawa: I love that. So many women do not even look at themselves. They have no idea what they look like down there.
Dr. Mintz: Exactly. And women who do look often feel a great deal of shame because of narrow images they have seen in pornography, advertising, or cosmetic-surgery marketing. They think the inner labia are not supposed to be visible. It is completely normal for the labia minora—the inner lips—to extend beyond the outer lips. We do not shame boys and men for having larger-than-average penises, but women are shamed for having visible inner labia. Some women even have surgery to make their genitals conform to a narrow image.
[07:57] Labiaplasty, Appearance, and Normal Variation
Dr. Bawa: I am almost a heretic in cosmetic medicine, especially as an intimate-wellness and sexual-wellness specialist, because I refuse to perform labiaplasty for appearance alone. People ask me why.
Dr. Mintz: I am clapping my hands, because you know as well as I do that most people seeking labiaplasty have completely normal-looking and completely functional vulvas. The only circumstance in which I have heard a compelling medical reason is when there is persistent pain, rubbing, or another functional problem.
Dr. Bawa: Yes. I have never had a woman come to me and say, “My labia are causing a distinct functional problem in my life,” or “They are sticking out of my swimsuit and causing pain.” What I hear is concern about how they look. I have refused to do it 100% of the time because I think they need to stop seeing themselves as defective. They need to realize they are good enough, they are beautiful, they are unique, and it is okay for the two sides to look different. The labia are sisters, not twins.
Dr. Mintz: I love that: sisters, not twins. Can I tell you a funny story? When I was writing Becoming Cliterate, I wanted young women especially to know that this is normal. I wrote a line explaining that one of my inner lips is bigger than the other and sticks out. In my original draft, I wrote that, from the side, it looked like a face with its tongue sticking out. It does not bother me.
Dr. Mintz: My editor was in France, and I woke up in the middle of the night thinking, “My son-in-law might read this. Do I really want him to have a visual of my genitals?” I called my editor in a panic, and she said, “I disagree. It is a really important line. You are helping normalize this.” I said, “Fine, let’s take out the visual and just say the truth: one of my inner lips is bigger than the other and sticks out.” We changed it.
Dr. Mintz: I told my life partner, who thought the whole thing was hysterical. For the next couple of days, every time I passed him in the hallway, he stuck his tongue out and made a funny face. I always try to use humor, because I want people to know that it is okay.
Dr. Bawa: I guess all self-disclosure changes depending on how much of yourself you want to divulge.
Dr. Mintz: Right. I feel it was important for readers to know that this is the way my genitals look and it does not bother me at all.
[11:30] Spectatoring, Body Image, and Orgasm
Dr. Bawa: Since we are talking about appearance, let’s talk about how a lack of confidence in physical appearance affects a woman’s ability to orgasm.
Dr. Mintz: Absolutely. You cannot have an orgasm or deeply pleasurable sex if you are in your head thinking about how you look. You might be thinking, “How does my body look in this position?” or, “Are my inner labia sticking out?” Women do this all the time. There is a name for it: spectatoring. It is as if you are watching yourself from outside your body.
Dr. Mintz: To have an orgasm, you have to turn your busy, thinking, monitoring brain off and focus completely on the sensations of the moment. You have to put your mind and body in the same place. You cannot relax into orgasm if you are judging how you look. As I often say—both scientifically and personally—it is impossible to have an orgasm while you are holding your stomach in. I spent four years of college trying.
Dr. Bawa: One hundred percent. What I do is help women look better, feel better, and function better. When it comes to appearance, I will do procedures only for the right reasons. For instance, I can help when the labia majora have deflated over time in the same way other parts of the body or face lose volume. I can perform a labial lift or add volume. Ironically, I may use something the body makes naturally. But even then, I want to know the woman is doing it for herself.
Dr. Bawa: It cannot be a case of, “I am dating this man and he complains about my appearance.” That has happened, and I tell the woman she may need a different man. I straddle both worlds. I do intimate rejuvenation for women and penis enlargement for men, and my goal is to say it is okay to want to change yourself physically if that is genuinely what you want. But you have to want it for the right reasons.
Dr. Mintz: I agree with you 100%. For me, the question is sometimes, “Where is this desire coming from?” Women and men are socialized to believe they should look or act a certain way. Sometimes it takes digging down to understand where the wish for change began.
Dr. Bawa: That is why I talk to my patients a lot. Whether I am doing an aesthetic-rejuvenation procedure or a sexual-function treatment—and that includes my transgender patients—I want to know their story. It is almost like a little coaching session. I am not their therapist, but I do not feel I can help them physically unless I understand their story mentally.
Dr. Mintz: That makes so much sense. I wish more doctors were like you. I am very appreciative that there are physicians dealing with sexual health who are trying to empower people rather than helping them conform to an unrealistic standard.
Dr. Bawa: Thank you. That means a lot to me because, as I have said many times, you are one of my heroes. I take my job very seriously. I know I can help people physically, but I want to be sure it is the right thing to do. You cannot convince me to perform a labiaplasty for appearance alone. There has to be balance. It is okay to want to look good, and sometimes a small, appropriate change can help someone feel better in the bedroom, but it should not be only about meeting somebody else’s standard.
[16:15] The Sexual Risks of Unnecessary Labiaplasty
Dr. Mintz: Absolutely. It is important for people to understand that there are many young women considering labiaplasty because they are self-conscious. There is very little long-term research. Some people report feeling better afterward, but others lose pleasure. The labia and the clitoral area are rich in nerve endings. They are connected to the clitoral network. Removing tissue for appearance can change sensation, and nerves do not read a cosmetic ideal.
Dr. Bawa: I had a woman come to me in her late twenties, and it broke my heart. She cried—not a small sob. She was miserable. I saw such sorrow in her eyes. She had undergone a labiaplasty and had lost sensation. She asked me, “What can you do? Can you undo some of it? Can you regenerate sensation and function?” There was not a whole lot I could do. It broke my heart to say that.
Dr. Mintz: That is heartbreaking. She was in her late twenties with her whole life ahead of her, and her sexual function and pleasure had been damaged in pursuit of someone else’s concept of perfection.
Dr. Bawa: Exactly. Whose concept of perfection are we trying to meet? For all intents and purposes, I felt she had been sexually mutilated. It was awful. Let’s move to something more positive.
[18:38] Sexual Communication Is the Bedrock
Dr. Bawa: How do you think sexual communication helps a woman—or even a man—have a better sexual experience?
Dr. Mintz: It is foundational. I tell my clients and my students that I cannot teach anyone to mind-read, and I cannot give them a magic formula, but I can teach them how to communicate. I once had a client who said, “Of course communication is the bedrock,” and I loved that line. It is the bedrock.
Dr. Mintz: Communication is foundational from the beginning. It is foundational for consent. It is foundational for telling a partner what feels good and what does not feel good. It is foundational during sex: “Faster, slower, more pressure, less pressure, keep going.” It is foundational afterward: “How was that? What did you like? How could it have been better?” Communication truly is the bedrock of satisfying sex.
[20:15] What Sex Education Leaves Out
Dr. Bawa: You also talk about how we learn sexuality and sex from a young age, including through sex education. You mention that in Becoming Cliterate, one of my favorite books. Sex education is often seen as teaching about sexually transmitted infections, condoms, and birth control. It is not usually about human sexuality. I am not saying that every detail of adult sexual pleasure must be taught to 13-, 14-, or 15-year-olds, but healthy pleasure, anatomy, consent, and communication should at least be part of the conversation.
Dr. Mintz: Yes. I am deeply upset by sex education in many parts of the world, including the United States. We teach young people lies and leave out essential information. I can tell you many horror stories about things students have been told in sex-ed classes that are simply not true.
Dr. Mintz: For example, a student told me that in her high-school sex-ed class she was taught that if she had intercourse before marriage, her vagina would mold to the shape of that person’s penis and her future husband would be dissatisfied forever. We allow misinformation and outright lies to be taught as sex education.
Dr. Mintz: The World Association for Sexual Health and other experts have argued that inadequate sex education is a human-rights issue because people are entitled to accurate medical and health information, and we are not providing it.
Dr. Mintz: In countries such as the Netherlands, sexuality education begins in developmentally appropriate ways in kindergarten and becomes increasingly complex through high school. They discuss STI prevention, pregnancy prevention, and safer sex. They also discuss consent, pleasure, orgasm, and the clitoris. They teach the difference between pornography and real sex—porn literacy—because young people need to understand that pornography is entertainment, not an instruction manual.
Dr. Mintz: It is not surprising that cultures with more comprehensive, egalitarian sex education have a smaller orgasm gap and lower rates of sexual assault and coercion. Education is power.
Dr. Bawa: This is groundbreaking, and I am sad to say we do not do it in our own country. I think we could solve many problems if we had proper education.
[22:54] Movies, Porn Literacy, Pain, and Faking Orgasm
Dr. Bawa: Since you brought up pornography versus real sex, you mention in your book that the portrayal of sex in movies—all the thrusting—is sending the wrong message. That is not how most women orgasm. Yet women are shown looking instantly ecstatic in movie scenes.
Dr. Mintz: Right. There is very little clitoral stimulation. A penis enters the vagina and she has an immediate orgasm. You and I both know that is not only unlikely to result in orgasm; if there is not enough arousal and lubrication, it can result in sexual pain. In one study, approximately 30% of women reported pain during their most recent experience of penetrative sex, and very few told their partners. That is another cultural problem: women are taught that sex is supposed to hurt. It is not.
Dr. Bawa: It is not. I love that you brought that up because I sometimes play devil’s advocate with patients. I say, “You complain that your partner does not give you pleasure, but you are faking it. How is he going to learn if you are faking it?”
Dr. Mintz: Exactly. Lonnie Barbach wrote a wonderful book called For Yourself. I quote her in Becoming Cliterate because she said that by faking orgasm, you are teaching your partner to do exactly what does not work.
Dr. Bawa: One hundred percent.
[24:23] The Most Reliable Routes to Female Orgasm
Dr. Bawa: What is the most reliable way for a woman to orgasm?
Dr. Mintz: The research tells us it is generally one of two things: external clitoral stimulation alone, or penetration combined with external clitoral stimulation. When I say clitoral stimulation, I should clarify that many women do not want direct stimulation on the clitoral glans because it is too sensitive. They may prefer stimulation through the hood, around the clitoris, on the inner lips, or nearby.
Dr. Mintz: In my research, when we ask women about their most reliable route to orgasm, the largest groups are split between external stimulation alone and external stimulation combined with penetration. Roughly 20% say they have never had an orgasm. Across very large samples, only about 2% to 4% say penetration alone is their most reliable route.
Dr. Bawa: In your book you say that penetration alone may be the biggest lie women have been told about orgasm.
Dr. Mintz: Yes. Sometimes I cannot believe it is 2022 and we are still trying to debunk that lie.
[25:48] How Large Is the Orgasm Gap?
Dr. Bawa: I quoted statistics from your book when I opened the episode, but how big is the orgasm gap in your opinion?
Dr. Mintz: It is huge. We have many studies. The gap is largest in first-time hookups. It becomes somewhat smaller with friends-with-benefits relationships, smaller again in established relationships, but it never closes completely. Even in long-term heterosexual relationships, women have fewer orgasms than men.
Dr. Bawa: To some extent, I think we have to educate men because I like to believe most men want to pleasure their partners.
Dr. Mintz: I agree. Since I wrote Becoming Cliterate, fascinating research has come out on this. Most men genuinely want to pleasure women. If you find one who does not, run—run fast. But the majority care deeply, and the cultural script hurts them too.
Dr. Mintz: During intercourse, men may be focused on lasting long enough, staying hard enough, and “giving” her an orgasm through penetration. They are not able to focus on their own pleasure. Many men experience a woman’s orgasm as a reflection of their masculinity. They care, but they are going about it according to a script that does not match women’s anatomy. If they learn the truth, they can give women more pleasure and enjoy sex more themselves.
Dr. Mintz: Along those lines, we need to stop making degrading penis-size jokes. When we do that, we create insecurity and perpetuate the lie that a large penis is essential for pleasure. Why are we not joking instead about the flexibility of someone’s fingers, the talent of their tongue, or their ability to use a vibrator?
[28:11] Penis Enlargement, Partner Criticism, and Empowered Choice
Dr. Bawa: As you know, I do penis enlargement in my practice. I do it nonsurgically and in a way that supports the man’s own collagen production and tissue health. Between the regenerative treatments, which improve the tissue itself, and enlargement, which changes size, I am also trying to improve physiology.
Dr. Bawa: But again, I do not perform it unless I have an in-depth discussion with the man about why he wants it. If he is with a woman who is making fun of his penis size—and unfortunately that happens—I tell him he needs a different partner. Period. I am not going to do the procedure because somebody is demeaning him. I tell him, “Go find a different partner. If, in six months, you still want to do this for yourself, come back and we can talk.”
Dr. Mintz: I love hearing that you treat men and women according to the same principle. Ask why someone wants to change. If it is because a partner is demeaning them, they may be better off with a new partner than with a surgical or medical procedure.
Dr. Bawa: Exactly. I may still perform an appropriate procedure, but I want my patients to be empowered enough to do it because they want it. I want someone to choose rejuvenation for their own health and confidence, not because a partner has made them feel inadequate.
Dr. Mintz: That is beautiful. You and I are presenting two aligned perspectives. It is amazing that in 2022 we still need to have these discussions, but we do.
[29:58] The Right Kind of Clitoral Stimulation
Dr. Bawa: You mention in your book that a large percentage of women identify not enough—or not the right kind of—clitoral stimulation as the reason they do not orgasm with a partner.
Dr. Mintz: Exactly. There was a large survey, not a scientific laboratory study but still involving hundreds of people, asking what prevented orgasm during partnered sex. About 73% said they were not receiving enough or the right kind of clitoral stimulation.
Dr. Bawa: As you mentioned, sometimes the clitoral glans itself is too sensitive. A woman may need stimulation around it, through the hood, on the labia, or even with a warm or cool washcloth.
Dr. Mintz: Exactly. Everyone needs to know this: when women pleasure themselves, fewer than 1% do so exclusively by putting something in the vagina. The overwhelming majority use external stimulation, or combine external stimulation with penetration. When women pleasure themselves, about 95% can orgasm reliably and often within minutes. We know how to orgasm when we are by ourselves. The problem appears when we get with a male partner and follow a cultural script that sidelines what actually works.
Dr. Mintz: The most essential step to having an orgasm with a partner is getting the same type of stimulation you use alone. That is why the first step in helping a woman who has never had an orgasm is often to say, “Go home, masturbate, learn your body, and find what works.” Then we figure out how to transfer that knowledge into a partnered sexual encounter.
[32:17] Why Lesbian Women Report More Orgasms
Dr. Bawa: I think knowledge of female anatomy and the way a woman’s body works helps explain why lesbians often have more pleasurable sex and more orgasms than heterosexual women.
Dr. Mintz: I agree. The orgasm gap is much smaller between lesbian partners. When two women have sex, there is often more understanding that external clitoral stimulation matters, and they are more likely to ask one another how they want to be touched.
Dr. Mintz: They are also less likely to organize the entire sexual encounter around penetration. In heterosexual sex, the common script is: foreplay to get her ready, intercourse, male orgasm, sex over. That is one of the least reliable scripts for female orgasm. When penetration is not treated as the one main event, the entire encounter can be organized around mutual pleasure.
[33:07] Time to Orgasm and What Happens During Masturbation
Dr. Bawa: Let’s go back to time to orgasm. You mention that women orgasm the vast majority of the time when they masturbate and often do it more quickly. Men have a median of about 5.4 minutes to ejaculate during intercourse, while women may need closer to 13 or 14 minutes to orgasm during partnered sex. Some people use those numbers to claim women are simply more difficult.
Dr. Mintz: But when women and men are masturbating, classic research by Masters and Johnson found their time to orgasm was much closer—about four minutes on average for both. I do not know every methodological detail of those older studies, but the broader point is important.
Dr. Mintz: When you are by yourself, there is no self-monitoring. There is much less spectatoring and much less wondering, “Am I doing this right? Am I taking too long? How do I look?” Those masturbation data tell us the orgasm gap is not the result of women’s orgasms being biologically difficult or elusive. Women are not “broken.” When women are alone and using the stimulation they prefer, orgasm is usually not difficult. That is why I say the orgasm gap is a cultural problem, not a problem with women’s bodies.
Dr. Bawa: You use the term “solo sex” for masturbation in your book, and I think that is a great concept. You are having sex with yourself.
Dr. Mintz: Yes. It is self-love, self-care, and self-pleasure. Betty Dodson wrote a book called Sex for One. Engaging in sex with yourself is sex.
[35:17] Betty Dodson, Bodysex, and Learning to Let Go
Dr. Bawa: Betty Dodson used to have classes where women learned about masturbation together. The thought of watching someone masturbate makes me uncomfortable as a physician, but I can also see how liberating it might have been.
Dr. Mintz: There are videos from her Bodysex work. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross created a circle in which women began by looking at their genitals and learning that every body is different. Betty did group orgasm workshops and private orgasm coaching.
Dr. Mintz: As a psychologist, watching a client masturbate would be outside my comfort zone and professional role. But about six or seven years ago, while Betty was still alive, I had a client who was having difficulty reaching orgasm. I did everything I knew how to do clinically. We worked through the education and the exercises, but she still was not having an orgasm.
Dr. Mintz: She was going to New York City for a business trip. I said, “You know what? You are better off spending your money with Betty than continuing to spend it with me. I have taken you as far as I can.” The next thing I knew, she had made an appointment and worked with Betty.
Dr. Mintz: Betty watched her masturbate and discovered that the woman actually was reaching the physiological threshold of orgasm, but she was so tense and self-conscious that at the moment of orgasm she clenched her jaw, held her breath, tightened her glutes, and contracted her whole body so strongly that she interrupted the experience. Learning to breathe, soften, and let go helped her proceed through orgasm.
[37:19] Mindfulness and Keeping the Mind in the Body
Dr. Bawa: Mindfulness, which you also mention in your book, is so important—being in the moment.
Dr. Mintz: Absolutely. It is essential. Being mindful means being present. It means having your mind and your body in the same place, which we rarely do. Often our bodies are doing one thing while our minds are doing something else.
Dr. Mintz: Mindfulness is not never getting distracted. It is noticing when your mind wanders—“There she goes again”—and bringing it back nonjudgmentally to the sensations of the moment. You can learn mindfulness in daily life. The next time you brush your teeth, really focus on the taste of the toothpaste, the sensation of the brush, the temperature, and the movement. When your mind wanders, bring it back to the physical sensations. Practice that in daily life and then apply it in the bedroom.
Dr. Bawa: That is a wonderful piece of advice for listeners.
[38:38] The G-Spot and the Search for a “Magical” Orgasm
Dr. Bawa: When we talk about orgasm, we have to discuss the G-spot. This is the almost mythical spot that everybody talks about. I find it annoying that there is so much focus on one spot. Men and women alike go crazy trying to find it and stimulate it. The irony is that research suggests it is not a separate magical button but part of a larger interconnected structure involving the internal clitoral network, urethral sponge, and surrounding tissue.
Dr. Mintz: Yes. The way the media portrays and hypes the G-spot has taken us backward. It creates another era in which everyone is looking for something magical inside the vagina. You know better than anyone that the body is more complex. The so-called G-spot appears to be a composite area involving the internal clitoris, the urethral sponge, and adjacent structures.
Dr. Mintz: We know some women cannot identify a distinct G-spot. Some find the area and it gives them no particular pleasure. Others find that stimulation there feels wonderful. There is enormous variation.
Dr. Bawa: That is what I tell my patients: free yourself to find your own kind of orgasm. You do not have to have an orgasm in the same way you saw in a movie or heard a friend describe. You are allowed to be you. You are allowed to be unique. You use the image of a snowflake in your book. Be the damn snowflake. It is okay. It is beautiful. You are you.
Dr. Mintz: Absolutely. However you orgasm is the right way for you to orgasm.
[40:17] Every Woman’s Nerve Pattern Is Different
Dr. Bawa: When you teach women to masturbate and have solo sex, you encourage them to pay attention to which side of the clitoris or vulva may feel more pleasurable. That is not necessarily what a textbook would predict, because everybody is unique.
Dr. Mintz: I love to say that nerves do not read the textbook. There was a fascinating study that mapped genital sensation in a large group of women. Every woman’s pattern was different. Some had more sensitivity on the right side of the clitoris, some on the left, some above, some below, and some in another area entirely. What works for you is what is right. Your body is not wrong because it does not match a diagram.
Dr. Bawa: That is the thing: acceptance. Acceptance of yourself and acceptance of the fact that you are not going to be physically “perfect”—and that is okay. There is beauty in imperfection. As someone who practices cosmetic medicine, I see people magnify tiny differences and call them defects.
Dr. Mintz: There is beauty in imperfection. We are all imperfect, and who defines perfection anyway? What is considered perfect today is not what was considered perfect 20 years ago and will not be what is considered perfect 20 years from now.
Dr. Bawa: Exactly. At one time a size-zero body was held up as the ideal. In other periods and cultures, a heavier, fuller body was considered sexy.
Dr. Mintz: Understanding that body-image ideals—about our faces, bodies, and genitals—are culturally created is very important.
[42:19] Naming Genitals and Giving the Clitoris Equal Status
Dr. Bawa: Understanding anatomy is also important. In your book you talk about giving your genitals names. I struggle with that because I become irritated when the same crude word is used repeatedly, but to each her own.
Dr. Mintz: In my ideal world, we would comfortably use the anatomical words: penis, vulva, vagina, inner lips, outer lips, and clitoris. But language also reveals what a culture values. The penis has countless nicknames and even people’s names—“Dick,” which is short for Richard, “Johnson,” and so on. Yet we do not have the same familiar cultural vocabulary for the clitoris.
Dr. Bawa: I understand. I am not criticizing women who use funny or affectionate names. I simply also want people to know the anatomical names.
Dr. Mintz: I agree. I did not take it as criticism. We can go back and forth between playful language and accurate anatomical language, as long as we are not erasing the clitoris or treating the vagina as the entirety of female genitals.
[44:05] How Women Can Move Toward Orgasm Equality
Dr. Bawa: Since you are the expert on the clitoris and female orgasm, what can women do today to achieve the orgasm equality you strive for?
Dr. Mintz: There are several things. First, understand that the orgasm gap is cultural. Notice the false images in movies and pornography and stop using them as a measure of what your body should do.
Dr. Mintz: Second, get to know your own body. Learn the anatomy. Look at yourself. Masturbate and discover the type, location, pressure, rhythm, and duration of stimulation that works for you.
Dr. Mintz: Third, communicate your sexual needs. That can be hard—it is a tall order—but it is doable. Tell a partner what feels good. Guide their hand. Ask for more or less pressure. Do not fake an orgasm and accidentally teach a partner to repeat what does not work.
Dr. Mintz: Fourth, bring your focus to the sensations in your body. Do not get trapped in judging your appearance or monitoring your performance. Use mindfulness to return your attention to the moment.
Dr. Mintz: Finally, challenge the cultural script that treats intercourse as the most important act and everything else as optional foreplay. If clitoral stimulation is what is most likely to produce orgasm, it should not be treated as secondary. We need to make clitoral stimulation and penile stimulation equally central. Closing the orgasm gap will take both cultural change and individual empowerment.
Dr. Bawa: Beautifully said. I simply cannot end it any better than that.
[45:12] Where to Find Dr. Laurie Mintz
Dr. Bawa: Before we go, please tell our listeners how they can find you online, because I am sure they want to know.
Dr. Mintz: Thank you. You can find me at my website, drlauriemintz.com. That is D-R-L-A-U-R-I-E-M-I-N-T-Z dot com. You will find links to all my social media there. I am most active on Instagram and Facebook, and I am also on Twitter. My handle on those platforms is Dr. Laurie Mintz.
Dr. Bawa: Thank you, kind soul, for coming. I am so happy we had this conversation. You are actually my hero in so many ways.
Dr. Mintz: I am honored that you reached out. It was a pleasure and an honor to talk with you, to follow your work, and to be inspired by the type of doctor you are. Thank you.
Dr. Bawa: Thank you. I look forward to talking together again soon. Until next time.
[46:19] Recorded Outro
Dr. Bawa: I hope you enjoyed the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast today. I would love to continue this conversation with you. If you would like to get in touch with me, email me at askme@drsexfairy.com. Do not forget to follow this podcast and leave me a five-star review. And make sure you follow my blockbuster-hit TikTok account, Dr. Sex Fairy.