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Today we will delve deep into the intricate world of the sexless relationship, not just the sexless marriage. Are you wondering what defines a sexless relationship? Curious about the reasons behind such dynamics and how they impact both partners emotionally and physically? Is communication enough to reignite intimacy, or are there deeper issues at play?
Join me as I explore these questions and more, offering insights, expert advice, and practical solutions to help you navigate and transform your own relationships. Whether you are single, dating, or married, this episode is packed with valuable information you won't want to miss. Tune in and start your journey towards a more fulfilling and intimate connection.
Dr. Kanwal Bawa is America's favorite sex doctor, and the host of America's number one sex podcast, Dr. Sex Fairy. She is Cleveland Clinic trained, and a pioneer in the fields of sexual wellness, skin rejuvenation and hair restoration. She has a state-of-the-art practice in Boca Raton, Florida called Bawa Medical. She earned the moniker Dr. Sex Fairy due to her incredible advances in the field of intimate and sexual wellness. She has even given a TEDx Talk titled "How to Biohack Your SexSpan."
Her patients fly to her from all over the world for vaginal rejuvenation, non-surgical labiaplasty, penis enlargement, Erectile Dysfunction treatments, better performance, increased libido, hormone replacement, and more. She also provides virtual consultations for those who are unable to travel to her for in-office treatments. Dr. Bawa also has her own line of Dr. Sex Fairy supplements which includes Renew (testosterone booster), Enhance (nitric oxide booster) and Passion (libido enhancer).
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The Sexless Relationship: Why It Happens & How to Fix It
Welcome to Dr. Sex Fairy, America’s top sexuality podcast. I am Dr. Kanwal Bawa, America’s favorite sex doctor, and I am here to transform your life. Today we are delving deep into the intricate world of sexless relationships, not just marriages. When people think about sexless relationships, they assume that these couples are married but that isn't always the case. When one thinks of a sexless relationship the logical thought is that these people aren't having any sex at all, but a sexless marriage is generally considered one in which the couple engages in sexual activity less than ten times a year.
I meet a lot of couples at my office and I can promise you that many of them are having absolutely no sex. To them 10 times a year will be a dream come true. Research suggests that approximately 15% to 20% of marriages are sexless. However, it is essential to acknowledge that this number may be higher due to underreporting or varying definitions of what constitutes a sexless marriage plus individual circumstances, cultural norms, and the expectations within the relationship. Some relationships are so toxic that it is better that they end, but there are plenty more that deserve to be saved.
When people begin a relationship, it is never the expectation that one day what begins so hot and heavy ends up going cold or lukewarm at best. I know that many of you want me to jump right to how you can fix a sexless relationship but first let's talk about what causes one in the first place. History has a way of repeating itself. To avoid ending up in another sexless relationship, or losing your current relationship altogether over the lack of sex and intimacy, let's look into why marriages turn sexless.
We will start with communication issues because lack of communication about needs, desires, and concerns regarding intimacy can lead to a major disconnect. In my opinion, this is the single biggest cause of sexless marriage. Communication in the bedroom starts with communication outside it. If you don't know what is going on in your partners mind, what they need, what they want, what they fear, how can you possibly expect hot sex or any sex at all? And this goes both ways. Festering resentment and unresolved anger and issues tend to intensify over time. One partner may want the other physically but is making no effort to connect emotionally. Not connecting on a deep level sinks more marriages and relationships than you can possibly imagine.
Stress and life changes are the next issues I want to discuss with you. High stress levels, career demands, financial pressures, or major life events can reduce libido and intimacy. If you are having trouble at work or are facing difficulty paying your bills, you are certainly not going to be at your friskiest. If you just lost a parent or a loved one, don't underestimate the effect of that on your most intimate relationship.
Physical or mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, or illness, can impact sexual desire and function in a massive way. People are being diagnosed with cancer younger and younger. Chemotherapy, radiation, surgery and resulting medical issues can suck the life out of you. What about chronic illnesses like uncontrolled Diabetes and high blood pressure? Not only do these and other illnesses make you unwell, medications can be killing your libido and sexual function as well. Take the blood pressure medication metoprolol for instance. It is an important medication to control both your blood pressure and heart rhythm, but it has been known to cause sexual side effects in the men taking it.
Unresolved conflicts, trust issues, or emotional distance can also create barriers to intimacy. If you grin and bear it, but are seething inside, it doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship. This brings me back to what I said about lack of communication. If you aren't communicating, you aren’t connecting. And if you aren't connecting, you are going to have unresolved conflict. You will have distrust. And you will certainly find yourself emotionally distant from your partner, making it difficult to feel vulnerable enough to engage in sexual intimacy.
Then there’s the issue of mismatched libido. Differences in sexual desire between partners can result in one partner feeling dissatisfied or the other feeling pressured. Some of these people cheat, and cheating causes its own set of problems. If you catch your partner cheating, how can you trust them again? I guess you could, but not easily, and it will take a lot of time, therapy and work on your relationship. And will the cracks ever really heal? Anyway, let's talk about the next reason why relationships turn sexless.
Monotony and routine are the next set of culprits. Over time, the excitement and novelty of sexual experiences with a new partner diminish, leading to a decline in intimacy. Perhaps you are getting more text messages reminding you to stop at the grocery store and pick up milk or pay the water bill than you are flirty ones. The daily grind can wear on the best of relationships. We get caught on the hamster wheel of work, errands, responsibilities and more. And then there are factors like addiction to drugs or alcohol that can affect sexual intimacy and lead to further disconnect between partners.
Another major cause of sexless relationships all over the world is hormonal changes. Major life events such as childbirth, pregnancy, and menopause can cause fluctuations in hormone levels, leading to changes in sexual desire and function. After childbirth, women experience physical changes, fatigue, and hormonal shifts that can impact their libido and desire for intimacy. Breastfeeding a newborn every two to three hours, endless laundry, and getting minimal sleep doesn't lend itself to wanting sex. Both partners are exhausted and irritable.
Menopause brings about hormonal changes, such as decreased estrogen levels, which can lead to vaginal dryness, discomfort during sex, and changes in sexual desire. Men don't go scot-free either. There is Andropause or what I prefer to call Manopause. Men experience a decline in testosterone levels as they age, leading to many symptoms including reduced libido, erectile dysfunction, and fatigue, which can affect how they feel about themselves, how they perform in the bedroom, how they look, etc.
Disparity in success is another reason why couples drift apart. When one partner experiences significantly more success in their career than the other, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, resentment, or insecurity in the less successful partner. The more successful partner may disregard the opinions, contributions, or needs of the less successful partner, leading to emotional distance in the relationship. Lack of respect can become quite an issue.
In some relationships partners weaponize sex by denying it to the other person. These games are toxic. Not only does this not solve the problem, it creates many problems of its own. Intentionally denying sex as a means of control or manipulation is unhealthy and damaging to the relationship. Being denied sex can cause emotional distress and feelings of rejection, leading to a breakdown in communication which further erodes the emotional connection in the relationship.
As you can see, there are many reasons why couples go from hot and heavy to frigid. The question that now arises is what you can do to fix the situation. Many of the couples that aren't having sex don't necessarily want divorce or a breakup. How can a couple go back to the way things were? Is it even possible? I dare say that with the following steps, you will see positive changes in both your relationship and yourself. I want to give you these tools because your partner and you should fight to save the bond you have created. Don't give up. If you believe that your relationship is worth saving, you have got to do at least some of the things I am about to recommend.
Before I go into the ways you can fix a sexless marriage, I want to remind you to subscribe to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast whether you are listening on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or another podcast app, or are watching on YouTube. Subscribing to my podcast will give your partner and you the emotional and medical tools that will transform your life, so don’t forget to share this episode with your partner.
In the first part of this episode I discussed some of the big reasons why relationships go downhill, and I am going to use the next part of this episode to discuss how you can fix them. Before you do anything else, I want you to take some time to reflect on your own feelings, desires, and concerns about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. Understand what you hope to achieve and what changes you are willing to make. You can't fix a sexless marriage without introspection. Look within. It will help you have a far more honest and productive discussion with your partner,
Choose the right time and place for this important initial discussion. Don't do it when the kids are running around, or your partner is stressed about some major issue at work. Initiate a conversation about intimacy when both of you are calm and not distracted by other stressors. Choose a private setting where you can speak openly and honestly without interruptions.
It is very important that you express your feelings openly but kindly. Communicate your thoughts and emotions to your partner in a non-confrontational manner. Use "I" statements to express how you feel without blaming or criticizing your partner. The blame game won't help either one of you, so don’t do it. All that will do is make your partner defensive, and the situation worse.
It is important that you also listen to what your partner has to say without repeated interruptions. Allow your partner to express their perspective and feelings about the situation without becoming defensive. Listen attentively and try to understand their point of view. You may wonder why I am stating something so obvious, but the thing is, when you are in that situation, it can sometimes be hard to keep your mouth shut.
There are two sides to every coin and so, you must identify the underlying issues on both sides. Work together to find the problems that may be contributing to the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Does your partner prefer sex at a different time of day? Is the matter something as simple as timing? Does your partner not like having sex at night because he or she is tired? Are you insisting on having sex in the morning when your partner is rushed for work? Is your partner not orgasming and simply not enjoying sex? Is your partner seeing sex as dirty outside the context of procreation? There are some religions that don't encourage sex for pleasure. Don't miss that as a possible factor.
Sexual function is another area that cannot be overlooked. If a man is unable to have an erection good enough for sex, he may avoid sex completely. Not being able to perform can be deeply troubling for him. And I can tell you from experience, many of my male patients suffer for years if not decades before seeking my help. Many times, their problem is so easily solved that it is heartbreaking when one considers how many years of suffering it took for them to contact me. I do such incredibly cutting-edge treatments to improve erectile function and pleasure at my Boca Raton FL practice Bawa Medical, that people are traveling to me from all over the world.
In some cases, especially in a post-COVID era, some men have seen their penis size shrink. When I started talking about it a few years ago, it seemed like I was the only one mentioning it and then research came out and proved what I had said all along. COVID not only hurts erectile function, it can also lead to shrinkage in the size of a penis. No joke! And again, this is easily fixed with my world-renowned non-surgical technique for penis and scrotal enlargement called BawaBig.
And Ladies, there is no reason for you to avoid sex because it hurts or because you tear during sex or because of dryness or a host of other reasons. Not orgasming? We can fix that too. We are changing lives at Bawa Medical! Why would you avoid sex or deny your partner and yourself a fulfilling sex life when I have the tools to help you? I even have a line of US-made Dr. Sex Fairy supplements for sexual performance and pleasure. The Dr. Sex Fairy supplement Passion is specifically for increased desire or libido, and performance plus there is the nitric oxide booster Enhance for better blood flow and Renew, our Testosterone booster.
Also consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the challenges in your marriage. A trained professional can provide objective insights and strategies for improving intimacy and communication. I understand the importance of therapy and often refer my patients to trusted therapists.
Discuss your hopes, expectations, and goals for your intimate relationship with your partner. Work together to create a shared vision for your future intimacy and identify concrete steps to achieve it. Focus on building emotional intimacy and connection with your partner outside the bedroom. Engage in new activities together, spend quality time together, and show appreciation and affection for each other. Be open to exploring each other's desires and fantasies in a safe and consensual manner.
And crazy as it sounds, put sex on your calendar. Set aside dedicated time for intimacy and stick to it, even if it feels awkward at first. Scheduling intimate time together can help prioritize physical connection despite a busy schedule. If anything, knowing that you have a hot night ahead should help you think about your partner and sex more often. You should even actively flirt and leave seductive messages for your partner in preparation for it.
Reminisce about happy memories, focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, and make an effort to prioritize each other's needs and desires. Fixing a sexless marriage takes time and effort from both partners. Be patient with each other as you work through challenges and celebrate small victories along the way. Periodically reassess your progress and adjust as needed. Be open to trying new approaches and strategies to improve intimacy and satisfaction in your marriage. Stay committed to working through challenges together and supporting each other along the way.
Remember that every marriage is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Be flexible, adaptable, and willing to experiment with different approaches to find what works best for your partner and you. I know that it is easier said than done, but you have to ask yourself if your relationship is worth the effort. If the answer is yes, it is time to pull out all the stops.
If you would like to see me as a patient, or have a question or comment about this podcast, you can contact me through my website drsexfairy.com. You can always give us a call at 1-877-DRSEXFAIRY or fill out the contact form on my website drsexfairy.com. There are several links in the podcast description below, including one for Dr. Sex Fairy Supplements which are proudly made in the US. Please subscribe to the Dr. Sex Fairy Podcast on platforms like Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and leave this podcast and me a 5 star review.
Your subscriptions and reviews will help this podcast grow and reach more people around the world than it already does. For those of you on YouTube, do like this video, share it with your partner and friends, and subscribe to the Dr. Sex Fairy channel for more great content to transform your life. Until next time.