"Sally Brown From Peanuts" Speaks On Addiction, Inner Child Healing, & Finding God

Today, I sit down with Hilary Momberger-Powers, known for being the voice of Sally Brown from Charlie Brown and for her decades of work in film, acting, and script supervision. But behind the fame and familiar voice lies a powerful testimony of redemption, forgiveness, and faith. Ms. Momberger-Powers shares her raw and inspiring journey through childhood trauma, addiction, loss, and spiritual rebirth — a story that moves from Peanuts to Percocet and ultimately, to peace.

We talk about growing up in a Hollywood household plagued by alcoholism, narcissism, and perfectionism — and how those early wounds shaped her identity. Ms. Momberger-Powers explains how trauma doesn’t always come from war or tragedy; sometimes, it’s the quiet, invisible pain of never being seen or loved for who you are. Her story includes years of addiction, homelessness, and emotional chaos before finding recovery through faith, surrender, and service. Through her 12-step journey, she learned to recognize trauma responses like people-pleasing, control, and isolation — and discovered how to replace them with stabilization, gratitude, and connection.

Ms. Momberger-Powers also opens up about forgiveness — particularly toward her late mother, whose narcissism and addiction caused much of her early pain. Through prayer, reflection, and scripture, she transformed resentment into compassion, eventually realizing that her mother’s brokenness taught her resilience. We discuss the healing power of Scripture, including Romans 8:31 and Genesis 50:20. Together, we explore how faith turns pain into purpose, trauma into teaching, and heartbreak into healing.

Now an author and speaker, Ms. Momberger-Powers continues to share her story through her upcoming book Peanuts to Percocet: Notes on a Hollywood Childhood, as well as children’s books she co-authored with her late brother. She has worked on over 350 films and shows, but her greatest work is the transformation of her life — living proof that no matter how deep the trauma, God can rebuild you from the inside out.

https://www.hilarypowers.com/other-projects

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*Couple O' Nukes LLC and Mr. Whiskey are not licensed medical entities, nor do they take responsibility for any advice or information put forth by guests. Take all advice at your own risk.

Transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Couple of Nukes. As always, I'm your host, Mr. Whiskey, and recently I've been traveling for about 30 hours a week on the road doing different podcasting stuff, entrepreneur stuff, just life stuff, supporting. Some of the local artists and talent in different areas around Georgia and Florida and going up to Virginia for other stuff to help honor those who were killed in action in the Special Forces.

So lots of traveling and it's catching up to me. So. You can hear I'm, I'm quite sick. But luckily today's guest has a lovely voice and is known for her voice and for using her voice and acting and other stuff. So this, this works out perfectly. We've got a perfect balance now. So, ladies and gentlemen, here with Hillary Powers to talk about, again, so important to know that addiction, like I've talked about on the show before with.

Whether it's alcohol, whether it's drugs, whether it's depression or suicidal ideation, it does not discriminate no matter who you are, how successful you are, how happy you seem what skin color you are, what gender you are, whatever it is it's something that can happen to, to any of us and all of us, and we all have that mindset.

No, this would never happen to me. And we need to realize that we are susceptible to these things and sometimes. What seems like our success actually makes us more likely to fall into that. So Ms. Power, it's great to have you here. And could you please tell us a little bit about yourself? Hi, you guys.

Thank you so much for the introduction. Yeah, I am, I'm, I'm a pistol, which is a good thing. My name is Hilary Berger Powers. I used my grandmother's last name, just FYI because I loved her and she was a powerful woman and so I took that on my persona. But I am my name is, like I said, my original name is Hillary Berger.

I was lucky enough as a small child and unfortunate enough to be the voice of Sally and Charlie Brown peanuts. So that's where the voice comes in. It was my first interview at five years old. I had no idea what I was doing. I had a stage mother, so she wanted to. Go to Hollywood and be famous and vicariously live through our, her children.

And, and unfortunately my mother suffered like so many other people have, and myself with alcoholism. She was a, she was a model, so she had to be very skinny. So back in the days they would give these little white pills with the X on 'em. They were, the original speed. And my mother lived on that Doritos.

Whiskey and Coke. And so that was her diet. So I was exposed at a very young age to a lot of isms, and I'm very candid. I talk about it. I joke and I say, you can't kill that woman. She's already dead. So talk is, talk amongst yourself. I don't care what you say about me. I have been redeemed. I am a new character, and mostly do not reference my old character.

Occasionally it does when I don't take care of myself. When I'm too tired, a little angry, lonely, tired, I can slip back into my old character. But I have a source I go to, which I call God, and I have a community which holds me accountable. And, so anyway, so about my background I grew up in California.

I'm a Southern California girl no longer there. And I I grew up in this crazy alcoholic family with seven children. My mother didn't want children, but she loved being pregnant. When you have a narcissist for a mother, you want everyone to tell you how incredible you are. Because of your children.

And so there was a lot of stuff, I really appreciate your service by the way. I wanna commend you for that and say thank you for all that you're doing for the vets and for the people that have lost because of our traumatic world we live in. And I appreciate that. I feel like it's my responsibility to be of service and to help people through trauma too, because I have been blessed with the ability to go forth.

Right. So I grew up in this ecosystem. I say that lightly. That was filled with a lot of fear. There was a lot of high, my mother held us to very high standards. She was an English teacher from Vassar. And so we had to be, there was a perfection that was never, I could never reach.

And when you're a small child and you're living under this domain of, everything's gotta be perfect, you gotta look good, you gotta act good, you gotta make money or. As my mother used to say, your brothers and sisters are going to starve. What a great thing to tell a 6-year-old. Oh my God. So I took on the responsibility that I have to be perfect.

And I think we all, in a family dynamic, everybody picks a role. Yeah. And each role either enhances you or degrades you. And for myself, my perfectionism, which is a part of trauma. I talk a lot about trauma, that you don't have to go in a bombing zone to have a trauma, A-P-T-S-D. You don't have to get hit by a car.

You can be in a family dynamic where you are not seen and heard unless you're perfect. That is a trauma response. So you become this character based on what you think and these absent feelings of who you are. I don't know if that makes sense, but, so I grew up in this family where I had to be really perfect and I had to act good smile, look cute, all these things.

Otherwise, a, my brothers and sisters were gonna starve, or I was not gonna get the little teeny sl of love that my narcissist mother might give me, maybe if I'm a good little girl. So when you grow up around a lot of fear. I that's, that's a, my trauma response is either I become a people pleaser, a controller, or a loner.

Those are only the three responses I know how to have. Hmm. So I took on the people pleaser. When I got older, I took on the loner. I was gonna do whatever I want and hide out in my addiction, and I don't need you and I hate you and don't mess with me, and I need, I'm good. And then later I got went into the controlling where everything had to be okay for me to feel safe.

That's a trauma response, and I don't even know that I am. I'm priming myself. It's like when you go to, when you go to into the service, you have bootcamp. I'm in serious bootcamp growing up, it's like, right, you're a bombing zone. So all I know is everything has to be perfect. I gotta get this, I gotta do this.

And trying to be a child and just learn and live and have fun. When you're under this cloak of. Just fear. In my program, which I'm a member of a 12 step program and have been for many, many, many, many, but all of them, I've, I've dabbled in all of them because I'm an addict. May it be men, may it be food, may it be sex, may it be shopping May, it doesn't matter when.

I don't wanna feel, I go outside of myself to be fixed because I don't know how to deal with these scary feelings that are inside of me. When you were raised, when I was raised, I'll speak in I statements in this system where you can't feel because it's not profitable or you can't feel because you are gonna be attacked because trauma is about living or dying.

Right, left, good, bad, fat, skinny, black, white. There's a trauma response that duality that's in a constant. It's like the volume's turned up to a hundred. So I grew up in this system where I was a really good little, I did really good. As a, as a child, and, I was a good little girl and then I realized that my mother and father that was fighting, there was violence, there was alcoholism, there was police, and there was a lot of abuse going on.

There was a lot of hitting and, I would take it until one day I stopped and I hit my mother back and I went to juvenile hall for assault and battery. Now this is like all of a sudden here I am going, wait a minute. My message was you can't defend yourself. If you defend yourself, you're in trouble.

Take the abuse. There's my message. I'm not worthy. Yeah, I'm not enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not enough. So, I talk about, I'm no longer leaning with leading with my wound is my motto. And I do a lot of speaking and I, and I coach a lot of women and even men, but I, about not leading with that wound.

That's my original core wound is I'm terrified and I'm not enough. So everything in my life. It's deep, deep in my basement, my unconscious. I'm gonna pick everything that resembles that. If I think I'm not enough, I'm gonna pick people below me. I'm gonna pick people who abuse me. I'm gonna pick jobs that are, that don't make me feel good.

I'm gonna pick family members to hang out with. I'm gonna pick substances to abuse because it's reflecting this core belief of. I'm terrified I'm gonna die if I don't fill that void, that hole. I gotta fix it. I gotta fix it. There's my controller. So I leave juvenile hall and I live in a foster home and I live on the streets at 15 years old.

Here is this cartoon character and this actress. I had done over a hundred commercials. I was on TV constantly as a child. And when people would say, is that you? I'd say no. 'cause I was ashamed. I don't wanna be different. I wanna be a kid. Hmm. So I ended up living on the streets and doing what girls do.

And I won't go into detail. I'm not ashamed of it anymore. It is just, it was a necessary, I was so disassociated from anything. I was in trauma, survive. I gotta do whatever I need to do. I got involved with people, I did lots of drugs, I would. When people say that I got loaded and oh, that ease and comfort.

I wasn't doing it to get the ease and comfort. I was so shut down way before I did it to get outta here. I didn't believe in God. I thought God was punishing me. Why was I in this family? I look good on the outside. That's the illusion of. Being, a pretty girl and you thinking she's got it made.

It's torturous because people expect things from you. And I, I couldn't see myself. I would look in the mirror and I'd say, I hate you. You're fat, you're ugly, you're not a, all these, that's my deep in the basement voices and my trauma responses. I was parroting everything I thought I heard. I didn't really hear a lot of those things.

My interpretation, my mind was so fractured and hurt that I interpreted every construction, constructive criticism as an insult and intact, and a reflection of who I was. So this is the opera. This is my, my op, my, my operating system. I'm using, I need to get new downloads and thank you Lord. I've been downloaded over and over and over with some new operating systems.

His, not mine, so I ended up, reacting, responding, reacting, reacting, reacting, reacting. I wasn't living. I was just in a reactive spot. And I understand, when you talk about in, in War I, we all have a simulation of war. It's a different type of war, but I'm ready for Freddy all day long. I'm ready for Freddy.

Okay, bring it. Come on. And the more you live in that, the harder you get. And the more shut down you get and the more fragment you get. And I was very fragmented by the time I was 21 years old. I had overdosed. I had been raped three times. I had lived in 60 places. I had dropped outta high school. I went to nine high schools.

I lied to get into a nursing college 'cause I'm, I gotta figure it out, we're smart trauma people get smart. Because they gotta figure it out. But once you learn how to stabilize, which is what I, I, I talk about, and I, I share is how to do some self stabilization so you can reenter this world, which seems terrifying.

Like it's scary right now if I am in my trauma. But if I'm in my heart is where I have a belief that God lives and there's calmness, and I feel stabilized and I feel okay, I know it's gonna be okay. And that's what I got loaded to do, was to either take me out or make it all. Okay. And I'm a recovering bulimic.

I have many years absent off that I was an overeater. I spent money, I was addicted to sex, I whatever. I wasn't really doing it because I liked it. I was doing it because it stuffed my terror. It quieted those thoughts. It shut that fear driven. I was so driven by so many different types of fears, and today when I come up with those fears, it's not that I'm a, I, I tell the, I, I share that I'm a Cadillac.

I came into this life in pristine condition. It got beat up. I lost my tires, my oil, my carburetor busted, my alternator went out. All the windows got busted out. The rag roof is now raed out, and you know I'm never gonna be a Porsche ever. And what happens is when I live outside of myself, I wanna be a Porsche.

So I'm never gonna be enough because I'm trying to be a Porsche. I'm trying to be a Porsche. So what I have learned to do with the help of a community, with the help of God, which learning how to stabilize, is I have just cleaned up this Cadillac and sometimes I needed oil change and sometimes I need a, I need new tires and sometimes, but I have become the best Cadillac I possibly can be.

I'm trying to get back to my original state, which is pure, and how do I get there? I go to a power other than Hillary, which I call God. So I back to, I ended up getting sober and 21 years old, and I stayed sober for a long time, and. You know how to, I, I got back into the film industry slowly. I had a woman who mentored me who said, until you, if you keep living out this, you're in your past, you're gonna keep making it in your present.

So you gotta stop driving through the rear view mirror, girl. You gotta start focusing what's in front of you. And so I learned some things along the way. I was lucky enough, I worked at a hospital when I was 22 years old. Who was run by John Bradshaw and I got involved with a therapist who introduced me to myself and introduced me to the real self, along with my program.

And I found out that I was killing the wrong person and I found out that I didn't deserve to die, deserved to be reborn. And how I did that was letting go of all my old ideas, which is. I didn't, in, in my program we talk about principles. Principle is a truth that I live by. I live by all these principles.

You're not enough. You're from a white trash family. You'll never get anywhere. You'll never get married. No one will love you. Those are truths and living by, and I learned to uncover them and look at where they originated and give them back like a gift. You don't have to take it. That was a gift my mother gave me.

All her fears I have in over time, given it back to her even though she's not here. She like I said, she's, she suffered from alcoholism, not wasm, and it killed her to the end. She died homeless downtown LA in 2001. Wow. Yeah. We all get chances in life. And for some reasons we take 'em and some reasons we don't.

I like to think that the whole picture has been designed from the beginning and it's just what I'm experiencing in this big movie called Life, so I wanna talk about trauma responses. So I did talk about the Triangle of Trauma, which is self preservation, ready for Freddy Live and Die.

And then the three ways you, the controller. People pleaser or the loaner. Loaner is like, I don't need you. I'm gonna get high. Don't tell me what to do. It's my life. That's a loaner response. I can't talk to anybody. They don't understand. So I can get into my loaner response. Well, so how I have learned over the years to get out of my.

Live or die, win or lose. 'cause that's all I'm feeling. My get up in the morning and it's like if I'm gonna go to my old idea, which is my wounded side, I'm gonna leave with my wound a day. If I think that here I go, oh, another day. That's a wound that says I'm gonna die. So either I give up throughout the whole day.

Because that's my leading thought. Or if I can go to my scar, meaning I've healed that side of me and go, okay, I'm a little tired this morning, but I'm gonna rally up. Like you said, I don't feel well today, but I'm okay. I'm gonna rally up. Your old trauma would response would say, I don't wanna do this.

Forget it. I'm over it. I'm canceling everything. There's a trauma response, hide, get away. It's not gonna work. So in my, in my ideal of how my, my, the pyramid of recovery works is on the bottom level, I need to stabilize. And what does that mean? In order for me to feel safe, I need to take care of my seeing, tasting, touching, hearing, smelling all my senses.

In order for me to get to my God center, which is my sixth sense. So little things like, have I eaten? Have I gotten enough sleep? Were you able to, are you angry? Do you need to talk about it? Do I need to write about it? Do I need to go out into the field and scream every nasty word and call everybody whatever they need so I can get rid of it?

So I need to stabilize. Once I get into a stable place, then I can receive. Because when you're in trauma, you're like this, I got this. I don't need you. I got it. Don't tell me, we're gonna reactive, we're angry. It's normal anger, or we run away, or we try to fix everything. What can I do? Do you love me?

Do you love me now? Do you love me now? Do you love me? Now, those are all trauma responsible. So my responsibility for me, so I can be a maximum service to you is stabilize. And that first layer, once I can breathe slower, that's a way to stabilize. Like I'll take a two minute breath. Just not that amps me out.

I just.

I am taking my power back, meaning when I'm in trauma, I'm powered by my fear. Live, die. Good, bad, bad, ugly, bad, ugly, skinny money, poor hate you too much. That's all fear driven. So once I can get back to self, which is deep, I get into that heart mind, which is so much smarter than this mind. Trust me, this is so limited.

Oi, oh my God. I've got like seven thoughts and I'm not gonna use 'em all today. And then I'm like, I'm done. It's not gonna work. I hate my life. I'm a failure. That's my, that's my self mind, self-talking mind. So what I end up doing is just so I, once I get stabilized, then I have a sense of belonging. I feel like I'm whole again.

Like I, all of a sudden I start. Noticing other people in my life. Hello. Hey, how are you? I'm, I've seen you around and I start opening up my community. Now I feel a sense of belonging in this world just by stabilizing and sometimes we need a mentor or a coach to help us get into a habitual habit. 'cause it's a habit.

I've been in a habit of I'm never gonna make it. Which is an underlining to for most of our world today. And so we push even harder and we keep bumping into things. It's like, we're rushing through a a, a, a China shop. We're gonna break everything and then we're gonna blame you because I don't wanna take responsibility.

So we live in this victim mode of I don't wanna take responsibility. 'cause what if it doesn't work? Well, when you start to stabilize. You start to feel that, wow, I, if I can help myself feel better, maybe I'm responsible for making my life worse. If there's gotta be that mirroring side, so I stabilize, I get this sense of belonging, and then I start getting some self-esteem, some self-worth.

I start seeing self differently. I start thinking. You know what? I did a good job today. I showed up. I got to work on time. Like, whoa. I didn't yell at my husband today. I didn't yell at my wife today. I fed my kids. My kids said they love me today. That's like a huge feat. 'cause when you're in trauma, no one wants to be around you.

You're scary, so we start getting this self-esteem and this self-worth, and I start getting a sense of self. Different, the self that was created in the first place that God did. So I start being in gratitude. I start feeling good. I start liking people more, and now I get to be productive. So what do I do?

I get a job. I show up on time. I start making goals. I start saying, I'm gonna go on these podcasts, and how can I be of service? God, what can I do? How can I add to the world instead of taking. How can I share this incredible gift that you've given me? I owe my God and I owe the world for all the grief that I've gotten.

I've been able to look at it in a different perspective, and I can share that with another human being. How lucky I am. Wow. Am I rich? That's wisdom, that's richness. I always thought that everything was on the outside of myself. Like when I get that car, that house, that guy that, that. That doesn't fill my soul.

My soul connects with the simplest things like richness of how can I be of service. There's nothing like, as seeing somebody go, dude, you helped me so much, like talking about getting high. That's the ease and comfort that I've always wanted. And by trying to get loaded and doing all these addictive things, I really am trying to just get that I have this God gaping hole that I need something other than me to fill.

And I've learned how to do that through prayer and meditation. Prayer is like, I'm having a conversation with this dude I don't even understand, and I constantly will be in wonder. Once I find him, I don't look anymore. So I wanna keep searching. So I pray to this power I don't even get, and I said, please, can you be with me now?

Can you protect me from my thoughts? They're hurting me. 'cause my thoughts are what get me, not the world. It's my perception of the world that's killing me. Can you help me? God, can you help me today? And then all of a sudden I see a bird fly by and I go, oh my God, that was Cardinal. Whoa, I've never seen that.

I start seeing these little kids, this kids bed, this little, these God shot, these God winks, whatever you wanna call it. And I start feeling like I belong in the world. I start liking myself. I start being productive. And as a result of going up that pyramid, the top is being of service. How can I give this back?

'cause it's gotta keep going. It's like a river, or a stream. The reason why the, the beavers are there, they wanna stop the eco, but the truth of the matter is, is we need to keep it flowing. So in the order for me to keep it flowing, I gotta keep giving and giving. It's not about getting, I get everything in return and then I don't even want it.

I'm like, I give stuff away all the time. I'm like, did you want my say, do you want this? Do you want the girls I work with constantly get stuff. They're like, why do you do it? Because it's not that important to me. You're important to me. Like, wow, thank you. God. That's a god wink. So my world today is, I'm really grateful.

I've written a few books that I'm a k looking for a publisher, by the way. Peanuts to Percocet Notes on a Hollywood childhood, and I've written a couple children's books with my brother who passed away. About just being okay with being who you are, which is kind of important in our world today. Yeah.

And so trauma I've had, I've had plenty, my father killed himself. My mother died homeless, my brother died of aids, my sister an overdose. Life is filled with events. If I allow myself to be eaten by it, I'm not a victim. I volunteer for every pain that I stay in. I mean, pain's, inevitable, suffering.

That's on you, buddy. And so if I look at cycling, pain, cycling, it keeps going and going and going. It's gonna keep feeding off itself, so does when I'm on the other side of loving and giving, it keeps feeding off itself. So I have been given the power of choice, I have been given free will I get to make a choice.

So I get to listen to other podcasts, I get to hear different information. To feel, does that resonate with me? Does that feel good? And once I can say, yes, it does, I can receive it, and then I get to give it away. How, how lucky am I? I'm so rich, I get to give it away. So, yeah, that's kind of a big nutshell.

If you want to ask me questions, I would love to. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm scared to ask a question after, after that long of an answer, so we'll see. But I relate to a lot of what you said. One thing you said that I think a lot of us in, in, the society right now, we don't look long-term at the long-term effects of what we're gonna do. So when you talked about your mother's diet, what I thought of was how many people from my generation and even the generation below me are gonna say to their children and on, on podcasts that they're guessing on Yeah, my mother was an oo patient.

A ozempic zest and she spent so much of her time just, trying forcibly losing weight and abusing ozempic. It's interesting you talk about a little white pill with a a, an X on it, and how many more of those and different variations do we have nowadays? What are our grandchildren and children gonna say about us from this generation Who, who use those?

So that's that's what I was thinking of. And then you said something so important that has definitely been prominent in my life, and I'm sure a lot of people's lives, the narcissistic parents living through their parents, and then also taking such pride and joy off of it. So at some point in my life, I realized that my parents, it wasn't like a, Hey son, we want the best for you.

It was like. The reason I always had to take the highest position, the highest job, whatever it was, was that it fed their egos. And I have talked about this in a couple episodes where I said the saddest part for me is that my parents had no social groups, no friends or family to brag to, yet they wanted this.

And I know my father has. Even gotten into, we've gotten into some biblical arguments 'cause he took scripture out of context to try and say that because his children are good, therefore he is good. And I luckily being a preacher and, and having read the whole Bible, I brought the context to the conversation and, and proved what he was saying was wrong.

But a lot of the time he would, basically justify his life as an alcoholic and a drug abuser and basically. Now contributes nothing to society. He says, well, I made three kids and those kids are doing amazing things. All three of those kids were in the military and served people. All three of those kids are now doing service oriented jobs, whether it's he doesn't know exactly what I do, but he knows that I do a lot of work in, in this kind of field.

Right? So he always, every time he does something bad, he says, well, I have good kids though, so that's all that matters. God bless, bless him. Good. It's, yeah, I mean. I'm glad that his kids turned out good despite his abuse and alcoholism and, and, and drug abuse. But it doesn't justify his behavior. And I remember that was the whole thing.

Like when I, when the Air Force pulled the rug from underneath my feet, right? I was going for photojournalism, mass communications and just a few days before I ship out, oh, actually no, you're gonna be a crypto linguist and you're gonna learn another language and you're gonna be a translator. And, and do spy stuff and all these other jobs, right?

And I said, I don't wanna do that. I, I did not wanna do that. And I looked at other jobs in the Air Force and I was talking to my parents. I said, look, I really don't wanna do this crypto linguist job, but if, if I'm still going to go into the Air Force, they have other jobs. I said, they've got a, military version of everything. Pest control, mailman, store clerk like all these stuff that you wouldn't think are military are military, right? They've got their own little cities to run, so to speak. So you need all those positions filled. And I just remember the reaction was, no son of mine's going to, do a basic job in the military.

You have to take that number one job. That's Crypto Ling. Why at the end of the day, the pay and the benefits are all relatively the same. It's based off of rank, not your job, right? Mm-hmm. I mean, the mailman, I used to, I always use this example, the mailman at Nuke school made more money than the nukes in training because he was higher ranking, and he had a pretty easy job. So my point is my parents were so focused on the title and, and their son being a crypto linguist, and I mean. I didn't wanna join the Navy. My mom and my dad when I was 17 made me sign paperwork and, and forced me in. And what's so interesting about that is I remember I came back home and my parents knew I, I hated the Navy at the time.

There was a time where I loved it, and then they ruined that as well. I come home and there's all these flags, there's pictures of me in uniform, there's all these navy flags in the front yard. And I said, what are you doing? I don't, I don't like this. I don't, this isn't my identity. Stop like making us a Navy family, like you forced me into the Navy and I didn't wanna do, and I remember it was just, but you're a Navy sail and it was all about their pride.

And both my parents are narcissists and it's always been about that. We were always bragging points rather. What was best for us. So I really resonated with what you said about that. And then obviously I've also been through the same, I just had a whole episode of my show about people pleasing and the way my parents affected people pleasing the relationships I ended up in as a result.

Mm-hmm. And. What you brought to the conversation today that a lot of people haven't talked about on my show was the loner part. I think that was I really appreciated what you said there. I think that's really, really important. We focus so much on the people pleasing on the perfectionism, and we don't look at that loner mentality enough, so I really resonated with all of that.

And then. You talked about your addiction and, and getting out, and one thing I want you to do, I usually save it till the end, but do you have a Bible quote in particular that you'd like to share with us? Yeah. Romans 8 31 of God is for me who can be against me, that has saved my life. I, I, I am forgiven.

Meaning, you, you taught, you touched on a lot of stuff and I'm so sorry about, your parents, but I have to look at that. The pony in the horse shit is my saying. There's a pony. If there's horse shit, there's a pony somewhere, right? So, when I had gone, I, I had, I got loaded again after many years and I had a great guy who said to me, your main problem is, is you cannot forgive your mother.

Because I wear, I wear anger and resentment and, and, and judgment. And I'm the hierarchy. I'm the queen. I am off with your head. The, the sentence never fits the crime. Someone says, are you tired? You're like, get outta here. You don't leave me. You're like, right. Or all of a sudden people disappear on us.

There's our loner, we disappear. My mother used to say Hillary and her famous disappearing ex. Oh yeah, I know how to get out. But you know, there's a soul sickness. We are all just, our souls are so sickened, meaning they're not healthy right now. And we keep thinking that my health is outside of myself and it's really all in you.

Like God is within all of us. It's up to me to celebrate that. So I couldn't get past the, I hated my mother, the narcissist. Right? Who was the reason why I was failing. It's her fault. Remember, I'm a victim. I gotta be a victim. 'cause it's the only identify, I'm I, I'm identifying with it, you were a victim of your parents always going, oh my God, here's my boy.

And you're like, screw you. I don't wanna be that person. You are victim. We choose to be a victim, and I couldn't get past. How can I thank my mother for giving me these things, like I was so angry. So I was making no money. I couldn't make a living. I was in my thirties in, when it was like end, end of my thirties, I was struggling.

It was like, God, what happened to this bright girl that had everything up against? And now I'm like, I can't even like pay rent. And I couldn't figure it out. And. Thank God this friend of mine said, until you forgive your mom, you are never gonna get anywhere. And I didn't realize the power of forgiveness, like God forgave me for all the sins that I have done.

Sins are what? Falling from the mark. I was given everything and I didn't hit the mark. I instead of going all the way, I cheated. Instead of being faithful, I cheated instead of, all these characteristics I fell from, God loved me anyway, like I'm still living. I still get a second chance. Every time I wake up, God, gimme another chance.

Awesome. I'm gonna make this today matter. And so. I was living in Santa Monica and at the time in California and I had written this huge inventory all on my mother. I hated her so much. She took the money. All the money I made, I, she made me homeless. She beat me. She wouldn't feed us. She would, I mean, I got story after story after, and I was living off this anger.

And this pain and this resentment and this fear, like, how dare my parents treat me like that? Don't they know who I think I am? And so I wrote all this stuff down that my mother had done to me, and then I wrote down the character. I became in retaliation. Wow. I had to look at me and I thought to myself, my mother didn't wanna be a narcissist.

Your mom didn't wanna be a narcissist. You didn't, they didn't go to God and say, yeah, make me a narcissist so I can abuse my kids and, and use them to satisfy my fat unsatisfiable ego because I don't believe in you. God. Wow. That's a big sentence right there. So, my mother did all these things. She didn't wanna leave us.

My mother would leave us months at a time without food while they'd go out in a gambling binge. My mother married the guy who brought crystal meth into California in 1973. 'cause she was, he was exciting to her. So I grew up in breaking bad and, and, and white trash and the big, the Winnebago in front of the house and the DEA coming, the feds coming and the house being seized from being this.

And I hated my mother. I hated her. I made her responsible for me not graduating from high school, from not getting an education. I made her, I put everything on her and I wondered why I was so unhappy. So I wrote all this stuff down and all of a sudden I started saying, wait, mom, when I get scared, I run.

When I get angry, I yell and I hurt people and I break people's arms and I get arrested for robbery and I get arrested for stealing cars. And I look at who I became, and all of a sudden I started seeing my mother as my equal. She suffered from an ism just like I do. And so I started gaining empathy. Now this is a crazy little god wink story.

So in California where there used to be California, it's now burned, all gone. All these places I'm talking about are derated. That last fire, fire I had to go underneath Pacific Coast Highway to get to the other side, to the ocean, and I brought this notebook where I had written page after page, and I read it to God and to my mother.

I talked about my mom understanding that she didn't wanna hurt me. She didn't wanna be a narcissist, she didn't wanna, she didn't wanna take money from me. She was in her disease and I started to see her as a human being and see her as sick and see her as she never got to find God. She never got to surrender.

She never got to where I'm at, and I started to care for my mother. And I sat there about an hour and a half sitting on the, on the sand next to the ocean reading this, and I could feel a cloak of anger and resentment and this heaviness lift. And I thought, oh, this is what it means by letting it go. Wow.

And I stood up and I said, all right, I think I'm done. Thank you, God. And I love you, mom, my mother. Created me and helped me be resilient. She treated, she's taught me how to be this little firecracker. If she would've enabled me and been a helicopter mom, I wouldn't be who I am. And I'm so grateful for the woman that God created me in the first place.

And so I got up and I grabbed my backpack and I said, thank you, God. And I turned around and, but for the grace of God strike me dead in the time that I had walked underneath the, in, underneath the tunnel, into the beach and red solo by myself, someone had spray painted on a wall into the tunnel that said it's never too late to have a happy childhood, and I get jealous.

My perception that moment in time because I was willing to suspend my belief and my anger and my resentment and open my mind up to receive a different perception that I had a great childhood. Thank you mom for being such a crazy woman. Thank you mom, for living vicariously through me. 'cause she's showing me that I got some talent.

She wanted to suck all the life outta me because she's telling me, I got a lot of life. Your parents were honoring you because you are worthy of being honored. How lucky are you? Thank you, dad. Thank you, mom. They were living through you because they didn't even know that they didn't. They had the potential to, they gave up on themselves.

Wow. So I started seeing my family life differently, and that moment my income quadrupled, my relationships changed. I repelled people who were hurting me, like the guys that would try to abuse me. They, I were no longer attracting them because I started changing from the inside out. This is my movie. My movie's not out there.

Whatever I'm feeling, thinking, and is gonna project. All of a sudden, because I was, I felt forgiveness for my mother. And today I love my mother. Thank you mom. I'm so grateful she hurt me so much. 'cause she really showed me my worth. Yeah. And I wanna share, one of the Bible quotes I share most frequently is from Gen Genesis.

50 ch verse 20. And it says, it's a, to give a little context, it's when Joseph is talking with his brothers who find him in Egypt, they realize it's him. And so they fear for their lives 'cause they had thrown him in the well. But he says, you intended to harm me. But God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

And that's a cool, I I share that's very often a lot of people. It chokes me up. That's a good one. Yeah, I, I've always really appreciated that one again, because I know that. Where I am now and all the people I serve are a result of that. And at the time of this recording's, not out yet, but Book two of the Survival, the rival series is forgiveness and my contributing chapter, it's, it's a bunch of different authors.

My contributing chapter to that was about my father and me and how I was able to forgive him. The peace that came with that, but how, because of his alcoholism and his drug abuse, that forgiveness was with boundaries. Mm-hmm. But those boundaries are not ones made of resentment in holding onto the past.

But it's also not forgetting. It's a balance of caution and love and making sure that, the past doesn't intertwine in the present or the future in a way that causes sin or harm, but keeps everyone happy and safe. So. There is a lot of power in it and, the, the relief spiritually, emotionally, and just even physically.

I felt such a relief when I was able to forgive him and, so I, I agree as well. And I think it's important, we can't change the past, so. Optimizing it and, and cultivating life lessons from it to help others is our greatest purpose other than serving, glorifying God. And so, mm-hmm. Everything I do is a result of that.

And I know that I always said that God didn't intend for me to be a nuclear operator, but he needed me to go through the NU School. Oh yeah. People in certain events that led to everything I do nowadays, which is not where I would've ever expected it to. Oh, yeah. Birthed from, but it's beautiful. And like you said, you mentioned very early on in the episode that the greatest high is when someone reaches out and says, Hey, this changed my life.

Whether it was one of your speaking gigs or or a podcast episode, oh my Staying with me. I've had people reach out and what's interesting is actually. The episode where the, the guest reached out to me was something you touched upon, which was the association of pretty privilege means life is easy and, and guaranteed isn't always true.

Yes. The guest who had, or not the guest, the person who listened to the episode, who reached out to the guest, who reached out to me had shared that she felt heard for the first time because the episode was about how women who are skinny are often. Just told, you're beautiful, you're healthy, get over it.

And a lot of them struggle with eating disorders or other health issues. Yeah. And they just don't get that kind of attention because so much attention is on the fat is beautiful and losing weight and all these other different health categories. And she said, people always overlooked me because I was skinny.

So therefore was like, be quiet. You should be happy that you're skinny 'cause that means you're beautiful. When that didn't make everything in life better. So, like you said about that pretty privilege And oh, if she, if she's pretty, her life is easy. That was actually that episode where.

Someone reached out and said that, like changed my life. So I think it's so important what you and I do and, and all the podcasters who are out there trying to serve people and, and make a good message. So we're starving. We're a starving community. We're just starving. Yeah, we're thirsty. If I don't stay thirsty for God and for healing, I'm gonna get thirsty for the drink.

If I don't say something for God and healing, I'm gonna get hungry for food. I'm gonna get hungry for money. I'm gonna get hungry for sex. I need to fill that hole with something other than this, yeah. Love when you talked about boundaries. Boundaries. Children need rules. Why they feel safe. What's my bottom line?

Safety. So when I say I love you, but I no longer am going to communicate with you, I'm creating a safety space for me. I don't need to announce it. I'm not two. I'm doing it so I can give myself some stabilization, and now I no longer live in my trauma. So there's, there's hope, and the, the eating, the ozempic, oh my God, it's crazy.

It's so scary right now. That's just, I wanna get fixed now. Now, now we live in a system where it's now swipe. You said 12 seconds. Attention. Yeah. The instant gratitude and not wanting the hard work and, oh no, it's, so I've had episodes on. People faking mental illnesses or other medical conditions to justify laziness to get out of work.

And, and that's a whole tangent on its own. But what I, I want to ask before we end here is, what would be your main message to all the struggling addicts out there? If they're listening to this, if they're in addiction, just recovering from addiction or fighting with temptation, what would be your message to them?

In, in the Sermon on the Mount, it talks about that no, the only way to surrender is through prayer, and that's why a women go, I'm God, help me. That's an act of surrender. But I can't produce this surrender 'cause if I'm producing it, it's my ego and my ego's gonna go. Okay, got it. Good. I'm good now.

I'm good. I stayed sober for 14 days. I'm good. I would say keep asking God to help you surrender instead of saying, I got this. God, please help me surrender. Help me surrender because once you hit that bottom, which is the best place because you can only look up from there. That's when your whole life begins.

When I look up, I see so many possibilities. So I, if you're struggling right now, ask God to help you surrender and when you hit that bottom, thank you, God. Thank you. I always say to the girls when they say, I lost everything. I go, that's awesome. Good. Now we're at the bottom. We can start from here. I get excited.

Get excited. You hit the bottom. 'cause that's when. Wonder takes over. So go to God. Go to God. Go to God. Go to God. That's my message. Amen. Yeah, and I had a sermon, it's no longer available. I'll probably redo it and republish it, but it was called Ray Bones downfall. And for those to give a little context, it was about, he was this son, king Solomon, after King Solomon's passing, he was taking over.

The people came to him and said, Hey, your dad. Most prosperous kingdom, but he was a little harsh on us, especially with taxation and, and work. Right? Can you lighten our load? And Ray B says let me think about it. And all the wise older council said. Hey, you should listen to the people. You're a new king.

That, that, it was pretty harsh. That's, that's the way of success. He goes and asks his young punk friends, what should you do? And they said it. Of course, our father, my, tell them, my father whipped you. I'm gonna scorge you with scorpions. And, and he goes and says, my little finger is thicker than my forefather's waist.

And he, has this little power trip. And it led to his downfall. Who he didn't ask was God. That was the first person he, he should have asked. And in our recent episode with Dan Parr, it was called a Spirit of Discernment. That episode we talked about having a spirit of discernment, navigating false prophets, and talking to God, and I said.

My policy, that trial file in life is if someone comes to me for advice, Hey, Mr. Whiskey X, Y, Z is happening, what do I do? I say, well, you gotta talk to God first and me second. I should be your second opinion. 'Cause, 'cause God knows way more than me always will. That's great. So I don't, like I said, I, I struggle sometimes people come to me with an issue and, and, answers come outta my mouth.

My God, I've tried my best to put God first. God. That's not to say God. God recovery and then everything underneath it, everything's gotta be underneath God in recovery. Period. Period. Yeah. And if it's in front out, get out. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. 'cause it'll get rid of you. Yeah, I call, we call it in, in the episode we even talked about modern day idolatries.

It's not just these golden calves in the physical form. It's these celebrities this day and age of celebration is huge. Mm-hmm. And then also just anything can be an idol emotionally and spiritually in your life. Mm-hmm. Right. It could be, it could be football, it could be a hobby, it could be a relationship.

So I think it's so important to, it could be a vape. Have you seen these people that are Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It, it could be. And so I think that's important. And even, I have a guest coming on who put the gym before God and, and, had, mm-hmm. Stuff happened and I won't share his story now, but yeah.

For the sake of time, constrictions, unfortunately we do have to wrap this up. So I think you shared a lot of great things, and we're gonna have your website in the description below for people to check out. Obviously you still do a lot nowadays, and could you tell us real quick about what, what kind of the future looks like for you and, and you know what you're doing now?

Well, my future is, I, I'm hoping, well, I'm not hoping it is gonna happen. I'm just visualizing it that my, my books will be published and my goal is to just be, do motivational speaking. I do coach people. I left a very successful career as a script supervisor. 35 years I've worked on over 350 movies, blah, blah, blah.

Whatever's that's work. And I still act and model, but my forefront is how can I be of service? And I don't know how God's gonna do that, but I know it's gonna be amazing because. When I leave it up to him, it always works out. So I'll leave my, yeah, I, I am, I'm available for speaking, for keeping speaking engagements for and coaching and, yeah, that's it.

That's all I wanna do is be of service that way. So I've been given a lot of wisdom. I wanna give it away. Yeah, I agree a hundred percent. So I really appreciate what you're doing and I think you're inspirational and I hope that people took something away. Like I said, we're gonna have your website, if people wanna connect with you further, check out your social media, check out your work.

And, I think people should definitely follow up on that. And I hope you and I have touched some lives today. And if not today, as in the day of recording. Maybe a hundred years from now, you and I, our bus passed away and someone's listening to this and they're like, wow, I, I can't believe how things were, and Yeah.

Right. It was crazy back then. Or they're gonna say nothing's changed, or like, so we'll see. But oh, you said the golden calf. It's all keeps rejuvenating. It's all the same thing over and over and over. Yeah. Just different forms. But thank you for your time today. Appreciate, God bless you. I appreciate you allowing me to be of service on your podcast.

You're wonderful.