Why People Give Up After Their Midlife Point: Mapping Out The Future With Jody Brooks

Today, I sit down with Jody Brooks to talk about childhood trauma, identity, and what it really takes to rebuild your life when everything stops making sense. Mr. Brooks shares how growing up through divorce, abandonment, alcoholism, violence, and emotional instability shaped the way he saw himself and the world around him. We discuss how people-pleasing can become a survival strategy, how childhood wounds can quietly follow someone into adulthood, and why so many high achievers are still carrying unresolved pain beneath the surface.

We also get into depression, suicidal despair, shame, and the kind of human connection that can change the course of a life. Mr. Brooks opens up about the darkest points of his journey, the long road of recovery, and how forgiveness helped him make peace with his father before his death. I also add to the conversation by breaking down how parental absence can fuel a lifelong chase for validation, why so many people seek approval from the wrong places, and how those patterns show up in everyday life.

A major part of this episode focuses on midlife and why so many people begin to feel lost, overwhelmed, or emotionally empty in their thirties, forties, and fifties. Mr. Brooks explains why midlife often feels like grief, why identity starts to unravel, and why this season can actually be an invitation to recalculate your direction instead of surrendering to decline. We talk about the “life bus,” the baggage people carry into the next season, and why success often comes from stopping what no longer serves you instead of simply doing more.

https://authenticcoaching.me/

Website: https://coupleonukes.com

Exodus, Honor Your Heart, & Nulu Knives: https://www.coupleonukes.com/affiliates/

Want to be a guest on Couple O' Nukes? Send me a message on PodMatch:  https://www.podmatch.com/hostdetailpreview/1726279485588093e83e0e007

Sign Up For A PodMatch Account: https://www.joinpodmatch.com/coupleonukes

*Couple O' Nukes LLC and Mr. Whiskey are not licensed medical entities, nor do they take responsibility for any advice or information put forth by guests. Take all advice at your own risk.

Transcript

 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Couple O' Nukes. As always, I'm your host, Mr. Whiskey, and if you are living life right now, has it stopped making sense and did it ever really make sense? We're gonna be getting into that conversation today, and we are going to talk about. Navigating life. Of course, the many circumstances it throws at us, most of which are hardships and how we can turn those opportunities because they are opportunities into things, to, uh, change our life and to help others.

And today we are here with a gentleman who has done just that. Jodi Brooks, so great to have you here. And could you please tell us a little bit about yourself? Yeah, so my name's, uh, Jody. I'm a life coach Now, after this, uh, rebirth that I experienced, um, in midlife from started at 47, it probably went on for a good five years until I came out the other side.

Um, originally I have worked. For 32 years in the hair, beauty, and cosmetics industry, and senior leadership as an educator ran by own successful business. That was award-winning, uh, s. Spoken at the United Nations on sustainable beauty. Um, and yeah, and I suppose we'll dig into it today. And that all sounds, I hate all of that stuff 'cause it's such external labels and essentially right when I arrived at midlife, I realized actually I don't even know if any of those belong to me.

And they're certainly not who I think I am kind of thing. So I always find that interject, like, read off your cv and I'm like. I'm a lot more than my CV if you get to the core of me. So I mean, I expect that will be part of the discussion when we go today is how that wasn't unveiling of those things. But now I have a life filled with joy and purpose working as a coach and helping people rediscover that themselves.

So yeah, that's me in a nutshell. Right, and what's interesting about labels and titles is it's almost a two-edged sword where on one hand. We feel like it restrains us and isn't all that we are and we get boxed down. And on the other hand, you know, a unfortunately now is a trend word, but imposter syndrome, uh, we feel like we don't meet the standards of that title.

So we're either, uh, too much or too little, it seems. So we'll definitely get into that conversation, but let's go ahead and go backward in time to kind of your childhood and how that helped shape your journey as it is today. Yeah, I mean I, and again, I talk openly about all of these things to help other people take away the shame or any of those things.

And I think for a lot of years I felt a lot of shame about that. My childhood was very. I always kind of say it was like a childhood of two halves. Mm. It constantly operated in these two things. I, my parents divorced when I was very young, and obviously I'm, I'm in my fifties, so in the seventies, that was really, really rare.

I was the only kid at school. Um, moms whispered at the playground, you know, kind of, that's not his dad, you know, all of that, you know, and I, they're very firm memories that I carried for a long time. Um, my dad disappeared when I was six. He was supposed to come on Christmas day to pick me up. He never turned up and I didn't see him again for another 17 years and.

My, you know, kind of them moving kind of into like, no, just before teenage years, um, my mother became an alcoholic. Um, and that spiraled drastically. Um, and that really did start to shape stuff. I didn't really have a very good relationship with my stepfather, so I was kind of very isolated, but at the same time.

I had this idyllic childhood on the outside, and I think that's very much kind of when I talk about how childhood trauma shapes you, I, when I went back and looked at it, I was like, well, that makes perfect sense because on the outside I came from a very middle class family. Kind of my mom's drinking was, you know, all kept away and quiet.

Nobody discussed it. It was comments that, well, she likes a few drinks, and it's like, she doesn't like a few drinks, she drinks a bottle of brandy. You know, like, but like that was how it was dealt with kind of thing. Yeah. And, um, but I grew up in a, in a tiny little village and I had the benefit of a community.

And so as painful as home was, I constantly had this escapism outside it where I could pretend it didn't exist. And my other sanctuary became school. I loved school 'cause I got to escape it all, but. That allowed me to start putting a face on. And I think very much when you grow up around addiction, you start to struggle with what's real, you know?

And, and as a child you project and you long for the day that they're sober. And so that becomes your kind of, your North star. Your guiding focus kind of thing is that you are constantly looking for that, which means. That you also are in denial a little bit as well. And you know, I was 11 years old and you know, I'd already had so much of my identity, who I was, the abandonment, you know, kind of things.

I was struggling and so what I worked out very quickly when I learned. And I look back at it and certainly how that shows up then as, as an adult, is I learned to be a people pleaser. I learned really early on to be a people pleaser. If I wanted to be seen and heard, then I needed to make sure I pleased people and that didn't always mean positive things.

But I also learned how in a negative situation, my body became so attuned to it that it would diffuse the situation by. People pleasing by diverting it, by doing whatever it took to stop that argument. You know, as time progressed, my mother's marriage with my, uh, stepfather, got to a point of violence and all sorts of things like that, and I used to protect my little brother by, you know, it was his dad, but I used to protect him by making sure he never saw any of it.

Mm. And so I was perpetuating all of these, like I kind of was perpetuating all of these different mes at one time. You know, like kind of, you know, and when I. Hit my twenties. I essentially had a massive identity crisis, um, because I kind of didn't know who I was because I was this construct of all of these different things and I moved away to go to university.

And in that, that kind of, that element of my coping strategy had been the environment outside my home. When I moved to an environment where that didn't exist, the world caved in. Like I just was like, I can't do this. And that's the point where my mental health spiraled. And because I, a lot of your coping, the coping mechanisms of that through my childhood, you know, I remember I used to go to my next door neighbors.

I went to school with them and them mum. Again, knew what was going on, and so it was this safe haven. So I was blessed. You know, I have this thing where I have so many happy memories of childhood, and then I, I think that caused me turmoil because there was all this trauma, but at the same time, it wasn't all bad.

So it took me a long time to actually say no. There was a lot of childhood trauma, Jodi. That wasn't normal, you know, 'cause I'd done the same thing is I'd kind of papered over the cracks and, and done what everybody else was doing. And so then in my twenties I then did experience really severe clinical depression and have a full breakdown in the end where.

I was so, so lost and frightened and had no connection and. Back then again, we're still kind of back in a time, you know, we have a long way to go with mental health and mental wellness. But we have come so far. When I look back to like 20-year-old me, 20-year-old me was never gonna go to the doctor and say, by the way, I feel like killing myself, by the way.

You know, it was that, and so. You know, I always, when I talk about it, I say, it's like you are in this dark hole and you just slide further and further and further down it until in the end the light at the top is so dim you can hardly see it, and there's no point shouting 'cause no one's gonna hear you.

And it becomes, you know, I think it's very hard to explain. And, and the reason I say that is if there's anybody listening is. It is a physical pain. I can't like to say to people is it's not just an emotional pain, it becomes physical. It's like I agree. Bone deep. It's bone deep pain. And so again, you're like, well, how do I explain that?

If I sit in front of a doctor now, like, like, what's wrong with you? Will I just hurt? Every bit of me hurts right now? Mm. Well what? Well, just every bit of me. So you could kind of like, you know, you just think to yourself, well, the doctor's gonna instantly think that I'm insane at this point, kind of thing.

Mm. And so it does become really hard, and I do think that we have traveled some distance because when I hit 47 to kind of. Show that we've come so far. When I hit 47 and I went to the doctor and I said, look, I don't feel great. This is when I kind of, I'd burnt myself out. I was exhausted and I was suffering from burnout.

It felt very similar, but I knew it was different and I was floored because the doctor actually said. Have you had suicidal thoughts? And I was more shocked that she'd asked me because I was like, that would never, ever have happened like 20, 30 years ago. There's no way that that would've happened, kind of thing, right?

It would've been. Now they ask it every time you go, but outright, and I was more floored by that. That kind of like took me aback kind of thing. And so that then. And I can talk about it now with such clarity after the five year journey in my midlife of kind of rediscovering myself and realizing how that set that people pleasing up and that people pleasing.

You know, I had a very successful career in my industry. I have been to, I think it's 37 countries, three continents. I've done all the major fashion shows. You know, I was a high achiever. Because I was a people pleaser. And so you know that that very much became my coping mechanism was to keep pushing.

'cause at some point you'll be accepted. If you keep pushing and you achieve these things, you'll get it Jodi. You'll get this connection that you are lacking. And at 47 was just this huge unveiling of. That's never gonna happen. Mm-hmm. And you are exhausted and something has to change. And it felt so similar to my twenties.

I'd go so far as to say it was there, but I think I was able to react, you know, and, and, and spot that sign of, you know, this has to stop now. This can't continue. It is kind of like, it was like I got. I was able to understand the early warnings and when I work with clients now, I talk about that, you know, there are early warning signs and we often get them, and I say it's a bit like your inner self is sending you a text message.

Or it's ringing you and you just ignore the call and then it rings again and you ignore the call and you've got like 35 missed messages from your inner self. Right, right. It's, it's like you need to answer that call 'cause it's got some important information for you. And I think that that's at 47, that was the difference.

I was brave enough to answer the call and, mm. And actually kind of listen to my inner self and, and work out what's going on here. And I probably for the first time, released a lot of that childhood trauma and. Was able to see it positively, which, you know, sometimes when I talk about it, people find that shocking, that I also would look back now and say I wouldn't change it and because.

It shaped me and it shaped who I am, and I wouldn't be the coach I am and I wouldn't be the human being I am if I hadn't had those experiences, and that was the journey I was supposed to take and to move beyond the pain I had to see, to move beyond the pain, you have to see the positive in it. You have to see what you gained, not what you lost, and.

But in order to do that, you have to look at the loss first. And at 47 I went back and looked at all of those things and could see how it had shaped my values and how it had shaped that people pleaser in me and, and then understanding that, you know. I'm still a people pleaser to a certain degree. I'm a life coach.

I'd be a really bad life coach if I didn't, if I didn't do a certain quantity of people pleasing. Yeah. But, but what you learn to do is that as a child you do people pleasing in that trauma. You do people pleasing without boundaries. Mm-hmm. And then what I learned was to understand that and understand how that trauma.

Had no boundary and therefore that's what did the damage. It's fine to be a people pleaser. We should all show up and be in service to others. It, I believe it's a key, fundamental thing that makes us all tick and we will all put on this earth to be in service, yes, but to be in service of others at the cost of yourself.

We were not supposed to do. And, and so there is a very fine line that you have to tread in that and to understand what those boundaries are. And also, you know, now I suppose as I talk so freely about it, and do you know, huge in-depth discussions. I've retrained in suicide and self-harm prevention because I look back and.

Even talking about it today is if we can remove the shame and we can allow people to understand that what's actually happening in that moment is your humanity. It's a demonstration of your humanity and it's a demonstration that you care and it's not something to be ashamed of and that you haven't failed.

And the hardest thing you ever have to do is to say that word because, um, after that it does get better. After that, it does get better. And I think for me, I realized that in the hospital when I woke up, it was like a second wave of shame. Because I woke up and so I tried to take my life, I'd failed, and now I had to face everybody.

Mm-hmm. And I literally got out of the bed and tried to leave the hospital and I was not, it was not pretty. I was in a mess. And I got halfway across the hospital ward and just dropped to the floor in a heap. And this nurse came along and got down on the floor. Picked my head up, put it in her lap, stroked my hair, and said, it will all be okay and you are far too precious to not be in this world.

Wow. And in that moment, the entire world shifted and I don't think I realized it until, you know, in the last few years of going on this journey is that. It was just that human connection and that fact that I'd been seen, heard, listened to, and in that moment I belonged in her lap, and that's how I'd got there, is all of those things were missing from my world.

I didn't feel seen, I didn't feel heard, I didn't feel listened to, and I definitely didn't know where I belong. And so. I don't, you know, it's hard to say 'cause I'm not kind of saying that, but that was the blessing in that moment is to truly understand how important human connection is and how those things are, that they make us all up as human beings.

And that on the other side of it, once you can voice it, once, you can say it, you can move on from it.

Couple things to talk about based off everything you said. They're all great stuff and I want to elaborate upon one thing that I have found while working with individuals. Uh, on the podcast as well as outside of it is what's really, I think it's really interesting is that it seems so engraved into our, our body and our desire that, you know, if we don't have a active mother or father who are.

In our lives and saying that they're proud of us, that we will strive and be high achievers and people pleasers. Yet all these people, it could be famous people, rich people, people that really matter to us, saying that they're proud of us, that they care. It somehow doesn't equate to what it would mean coming from our parents, even if we've never met our parents, even if they're not in our lives, for some reason, we crave that more than anything.

You know, I look at how that is engraved into us through television shows, through books, through music, and uh, even on a, a biological level. You know, it's so interesting and I have seen so many people unfortunately, end up living this life of chasing after validation because their parents never gave it.

And I, I think that's a very relatable piece there. And then one thing I, I do wanna go back to, you mentioned your father not picking you up on Christmas day of all days. And then, if I'm not mistaken, you said 17 years later y'all had a reunion, and if so, how did that go? Uh, yeah, I mean, I mean literally that just vanished out of my, um, my world and.

17 years later just rang the phone one day, you know, and, and so, you know, I, and I actually remember thinking at the time, so you knew where I was all the time then, because, you know, you make excuses as a child, like, right, okay, well they've lost the address, we've moved, you know, like, it, it kind of, it was all of those things.

And, and so, you know, at the time it was so chaotic. The house that I was in, you know, my mom's drinking had reached a peak. Her marriage was destroyed. Like, you know, my brother was my half brother, so you know, him and his dad were a unit and I was flying solo in this huge mess and. You know, that phone call felt like salvation that day, but I was gonna learn that it was anything but salvation.

Right. It was just another messy household. I was with more addiction waiting on the horizon kind of thing, but Oh, okay. Um, it, it felt, um, it was nerve wracking and it felt odd and, you know, in that as well. I had two sisters, two half sisters, that suddenly appeared in my life. And, and, but from that day, again, there was this element of trying to belong, trying to fit in.

And again, that kind of marked a huge part of my life. I probably broke through that in my thirties. After I kind of recco my recovery from, you know, my, my suicide and that depression, I went on a kind of, I became a complete, like self-help, like geek like books. That was it. I was like, I needed to understand my brain and I needed toand my body, and I needed to understand how I could make it better and how I could stop that, you know, so.

It's no wonder I ended up a life coach in the end. Really. I've consumed enough um, books, but Right, right. So, so it was all a part of the journey, but I desperately tried to fit in and these were people who were family in name and, and wherever I went, I belonged on their terms. And like I said, it was late thirties, early forties, where I was like, enough's enough.

Because when I was with them, they would make out like the 17 years absence didn't exist. It was like a void. Like it just, but it meant everything to you. And I'm like, hang on a moment, you know? And then, you know. There's all these elements where, you know, my dad didn't know who my school teachers were or who my best friend was, or you know, like just all of these things, but y'all were just strangers.

It, they were uncomfortable about knowing those things because knowing those things highlighted that they'd had this void. Mm. And so there was an element where I was required to deny parts of me. I was required to show up and, and be the son and be, you know, like the prodigal son had returned kind of thing.

And, and, and I was referred to by my father like that an awful lot. Never by my name, like a possession. Mm-hmm. This is my son, you know, this is my son and you know, it. It was kind of there where I was like, you know, and then also with my stepfather, you, you know, I didn't fit there quite and the only person I fitted with was my mom and my grandmother, and.

I think that was also a thing that had triggered the depression is that I lost my grandmother when I was 19 and she'd been kind of my rock in it all kind of thing. And so, you know, that whole point of losing that one person who was consistent, who was the adult that I trusted in my life, and then removing myself and going to university.

I look back now and I kind of laugh and I'm like, I didn't really stand a chance. It was all lined up ready, like, you know, kind of, it was like it was just gonna be a matter of time at that point. Mm-hmm. And I realized that, you know, through all of that, that's what I'd done. And, and again, back to the people please.

And it was a performance. And it was a performance where I was only acceptable on these terms. But it's okay because. To have some connection or some sense of identity or something at the time I thought was worth that sacrifice. Right? In the end, you realize it's not worth that sacrifice, and in fact that connection, I would strive there and I think it is.

I don't think it's, when you were saying there about this inbuilt thing, I think you made a really interesting point because I think as human beings we're inbuilt. We are, you know, we're a pack animal. If we take it down to that, you know, we are meant to be in communities and we're meant to have connection.

I think those models and those things that we are fed by media and history tell us it should be our family. But I think you actually do get to make your own family if you choose. Mm-hmm. I agree. And you can find that you can find that connection in other places. And in fact, I would urge anybody who feels that lost is to, is to not think that you have to make that connection work, but just go and find the connection that works for you and.

You can find that, you can fill that totally. It doesn't have to be in that place. And, and so I think that's it. And so I went through a lot of my life feeling rejected. And then I think in the large part of it, you know, my, before my father passed, we just had just the most rocky, distant relationship and, but I would be rolled out at special occasions and referred to as the sun again. Like, like it was kinda like, it was like, you know, like you get the best crockery out, you know, someone's coming round for dinner and you get the best plates out.

It was like, okay, well we're having a do, let's roll the sun out again. Like this kind of, and it was very much this whole kind of thing. And then afterwards, like, you know. Um, go back. But I crave that and I think in my journey of healing myself, I just, again, did that thing of forgiveness and

instead of feeling like I'd lost out, I was able to go. Actually you lost out, right? Because if I was a father, if I was a father, I'm a pretty epic son. And you didn't get to share in that. And that was your choice, right? And, and so he was, you know, he continued to drink until his last day. And we had spent some time together at the hospital and I was at peace with it all and, and.

I had a conversation with him one day and he just looked at me and I was actually helping him eat his, his lunch at the time, and he said, I do love you. And I said, I, I know you do dad and I love you. You are my father. I'll always love you, but it has very many different forms. And he said, I am sorry. And I dunno where it came from, but out of my mouth came.

Dad, you don't need to be sorry, because I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And there's nothing I can do to change it in this moment because I'm a pretty epic human being. Dad, and I am your son and you can be proud in that. But I can't give you back what you've missed out on, and so you don't need to be sorry. Mm-hmm.

Because I can't make it right in this moment, and neither can you. You just need to know that I don't have any hatred and I love you. You're my father, and I will love you for being the father that you were meant to be because I am so many amazing things because of you being my father in the way that you were.

And. That's how, going back to that thing is where you find the positive, because there were so many elements of it that I'm a much bigger human being for that experience and the pain was really his in that moment. Yeah. So, you know, is is, that's the reality of it is, you know, if you wanted to say who made the biggest sacrifice.

So I actually kind of came out of it better off in the end because I was able to have that insight and that experience. And I always remember it was very well known in the family, how bad I'd been treated and all of those things. And I did the eulogy at my father's funeral. Hmm. And I stood, I stood up and everyone was like, you do it.

No one else wanted to do it. My sisters were a mess. Um, wow. And I, I did my father's eulogy and his brother came up to me afterwards and cried and said, that was amazing. And of all the people, I dunno how you did that. Right. But that was amazing. And I just said. But every word of it was true. And he said it was, and because I'd worked through it all and applied forgiveness, I was still able to honor him.

I didn't stand there with anger and hatred and all of those things is I'd done all of that. And I think, you know, there's that thing where you know when people say to you, like, if you know, like what would you do if you found out you were gonna die tomorrow? I think that strangely what I'd actually done is I knew it was coming.

He was an addict, he was an alcoholic. I knew his life was on the horizon, and I remember thinking to myself, that day is coming and how do you turn up on that day?

You are gonna need to work out how you do that. And so I think I, you know, when I look back over a three year period, I prepared myself because of, what I didn't want was the grief that child had felt. I didn't want the loss all over again. I didn't want any of that. So I kind of packaged it up nicely before we got there.

And. One of the things I'm probably proudest of in that sense is that, that I got to be at peace with it and for my father to be at peace with it as well before he passed. You know, to kind of have those last few moments where there was some level of understanding. And I do believe he loved me, but I don't think he was capable of loving me, and they're too very different.

I like that. Yeah. Yeah. No, I, I totally understand that, and I, I relate to a lot of your story actually because of my parents' addictions and the way they have expressed love or said they love me. But like you said, there are many forms of it. There's, uh, different types of pride intertwined with love as a parent.

Uh, like you said, the, this is my son and this is my son Dito. There are two different ways of saying that, so I agree a hundred percent. And a lot of respect for you for. Not turning that eulogy into a, you know, a, a big middle finger. You know, so for lack of better words, right? Because some people would've done that, you know?

Um, and the fact that you stepped up, it shows a lot about your character, you know, and I, I have a lot of respect for you for that, and I want to focus on, we've spent a good amount of time here talking about the past and your journey. Let's jump to nowadays, you know, one thing that you work on specifically, which I think is so important, is.

Midlife. What we've seen unfortunately is a lot of people, once they hit their forties or fifties, they kind of just like give up. They're like, this is it. It's just a slow decline to death from here. Uh, but I know from some of the people I've interviewed on the show. That you can do amazing things in the second half of your life.

In fact, I just got back from a trip to Japan and the man who made a couple, couple noodles, you know, the instant noodles, he invented Noodle Ramen noodles for space when he was 96 years old, according to the museum. And that just blew my mind. Or 95, 96 years old, you know, and I actually know. A 90-year-old who is publishing a book and starting a podcast.

I've met people in their seventies and eighties who are actively hiking and writing and podcasting and living. So we talk about midlife. Uh, it's just that, it's just the middle part. It shouldn't be the start of an end, but it should be the start of the second half. Right? And so I want to get into that conversation with you about why are so many people stopping at midlife?

Why are so many people just like giving up? I think like there are so many things that go on. Um, and you know, like recent research and statistics is showing that this is now dropping to about the earliest signs of the symptoms that we associate with midlife are now starting to occur at 35, between 30 and 35.

Wow. Okay. Wow.

I think you know that in that bit that we did there, there's a lot in that stuff that I talked about, about identity. Mm mm-hmm. And at the core of that sense, when you hit midlife, that's what a lot of it has to do with is a shift in identity. And I say that. The sense of emptiness that comes with it is almost like grief is, you know, there.

There's so many things that show up that I think make people go, what is going on? Oh my God, this is scary. It is dreadful, et cetera. Because it feels quite often like depression. If it's extended. It definitely feels a bit like grief because there's a sense of loss because the things that usually trigger it.

Are huge changes for parents, children going off to college for, you know, a lot of us we shift in. I always say that. The first 20 years of your life, you can take those out if you like, because that's just a, a whole period of you being told who you are. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, I agree with that. So ignore that.

The first 20, they're very important. The second 20 kind of fathoming it out, and then actually I think that I call it like a midlife unveiling because. There's a point there where you're kind of like, okay, I've got this now. You know, I mean, I hate the word, the word adulting, but there's a sense where you kind of go, yeah, it's time to grow up.

Like it's time to like do it. And I think two things happen. People that kind of give up are because of a kind of misconstrued concept of time. We live in a world that's so fast paced, right? So I'm a, I'm a Gen X, so I grew up with. Mobile phones without computers. Like the first game machine we had was one that you plugged into the television aerial and you had a little paddle and you played tennis with a bouncy thing going across it.

And we all thought it was the most amazing thing ever. Um, so what 50 looked like when I was a child? Is very different to what 50 looks like now. Like I arrived at 50 and was like, well, hang on a minute. This doesn't feel at all. Like I was told it was gonna be so. It's a kind of a real like, hang on a minute.

I don't know how to be, so back to identity, right? We've kind of base our identity on this external thing and this destination that we are heading to, and then we get there and we are like, well, this doesn't look like where I thought I was going. And it's moving at pace. I was looking at some pictures the other day and it dawned on me looking at this picture of one of my, it was a picture of one of my aunts, and I think I must have been about 12, and I did the maths and worked out that she actually must only have been about 53, 54 in this picture.

If you'd have asked me, I would've said she was in her like seventies and eighties. Mm. Like. There's this shifted thing, and I think what's also happening is it keeps moving. Okay, so this concept that we all grew up a bit, like you were saying, like parents and connection, we grew up with this like. Elderly concept and mm-hmm.

It's almost like you get near it and then someone goes, oh, no, no, no, it's another five years. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's another 10 now. Oh, no, no, no, no. Right. It's this constantly shifting thing and so this leads to this real sense of overwhelm, like a loss of identity, overwhelm. Where am I? You know, what am I doing?

I call it the messy middle of midlife because it is messy. The problem as human beings is we like a yes or a no answer and we don't like anything that doesn't sit in that, in that gray area is to be at all costs, right? My clients get quite annoyed with me sometimes 'cause I truly believe that two things can be right at the same time.

And I'm like, look, those two things are right and you are in the middle and neither one's wrong. It's just where are you gonna go, kind of thing. And so in this middle bit here, and I think back to the 20 year journey when we're in our twenties and stuff, you know, certainly in our teens we probably, I call it like the life bus.

We go on a journey. And sometimes we get on buses, other people put us on. Okay, that's true. And then we get off that bus. We get off that bus. And then driven by our sense of belonging, uh, you know, we get on a bus with a load of friends 'cause we think they're cool. So we'll get on the same bus as them. And so then we're like, hang on a moment, this bus isn't going where I want it to.

And, and I think that in, in midlife, it's like we are kind of maybe. We got on that bus. We've been going in that direction and I think for a lot of people, and not stereotyping, but as an example, you know, married kids, car, job, et cetera, we got on that bus and, but we didn't really know what the destination of the bus was.

And so I say to people, imagine if I told you to get on a bus. It's gonna drive and you don't know where it's going or how long the journey is. Right. And that sense of downward spiral comes from that. 'cause like if you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. And so you have no sense of achievement in that.

You have no sense of purpose, you have no sense of direction. I. So that point of midlife is, it is a calling, it is that text message. It is that email from your inner self, right saying, right. I think you might have got the directions in the sat nav wrong. And, and we need to like relook at the GPS and see where we're going because.

You need to now set a new destination because for many people, the destination they were going to no longer exists or they just hadn't thought beyond that part of it. And now, right, there's this huge road ahead. And so it is really exciting because also imagine, I say this to clients all the time.

Imagine if when you were 20. You had all the knowledge you have now,

how different would your twenties and thirties have been? And they go, well, yeah, I mean like so different. Okay, so now let's start thinking forward with all that knowledge and imagine that this is just like being 20. Now you get to decide the root with all the knowledge you've got. This is your opportunity to write the best chapter of your life.

Yet, like this is really where life kicks in, right? You've done the hard work, you've done the hard work, the hard work's done. You know, and obviously, usually if they're sat in a coaching session with me, they're in the middle of some of the hard work, but I go look. Like that's the joy of it. At the end of this, you're going to not only get on a bus where you know what it says on the front, but you are gonna be in the driving scene and you are gonna be deciding where that goes.

And you know what? If you go halfway on that route and you decide, actually, I want to go somewhere else. You can try a new destination. The difference is you now know exactly where you are going, and so I truly believe that that midlife is actually a calling. It's a calling of our inner selves. That's what it is, is it's your inner self calling out to you and saying, okay, we need to.

Do the navigation. We need to recalculate and we need to know like where we're going next because this journey doesn't look familiar anymore. And I think is if you can set that destination, and it's usually the first thing I do with clients is I get them to visualize 20 years time. And then we work back from there and, and then build that picture kind of thing.

Mm. But most people can't tell you what that really looks like. And I think when I first started, I found that shocking. You know, like, I mean, I suppose I didn't, 'cause I did exactly the same thing. I thought that was just me, but it's consistent. Is that, you know, it's just, it's like, it is like, well, okay then, so you know, you imagine the monotony of that.

And so when you say about this whole downward thing, well, it's no wonder you're just like, well, this is it. Well, it's only if you choose it, but the only person that can decide that's it is you. And that's in setting that new destination. I agree. I think, you know, one of the issues is a lot of us don't know what we want to do, you know, because we're told what we want to do by our parents, by media, by a lot of sources.

And you know, I love your analogy of the buses. I think one of the issues is sometimes we, uh, get on a certain bus with our friends, or because our parents put us on that bus and. We can't get off whenever we want, you know, some of these buses, it is like, I know when I was in Japan, you can get on a train and it only stops at certain stops and it skips over the other ones.

Like, you're not jumping off that train. It's going too fast. You know? So I think sometimes we don't realize, 'cause like you said, not, not only is it that sometimes that we don't see where we're going, but sometimes we don't even look to care where we're going. You know, we're, we're just in that bandwagon.

And then you realize like you get to your destination, all your friends are set up. To be at that destination. And you not, you're not, because everyone is on a different journey and sometimes when you go somewhere, you need to bring certain gear, right? Like your friends all took you to the waterpark and you're in a suit, you know?

It's like, oh man, I had the wrong occasion. You know? So I love that, and I use that analogy all the time, is, um, I use ato, a tool called Start Stopping with, um. Clients all the time. And you know, I say that the real art to success is to not do more, but to start stopping and look at what no longer serves you.

And I use that analogy you've just said, turning up to the waterpark, but I say like, you know, if you've just been away on holiday to, I don't know, Hawaii, right? And. You get back and the next day you are going off to Norway or Iceland. You are gonna need to unpack your suitcase because you're gonna look pretty ridiculous in a bikini in Iceland.

Okay? So like, and, but, and I said that's the thing though, but we don't do that. We have a life suitcase, we have this baggage, and we need to stop sometimes and take out the things that don't, we don't need. For the next part of our journey. And so like that whole process is completely like that. There, you make that really good point.

And, and that sometimes we do, we get on a bus and we feel great on the bus 'cause we're so sure, but when we get there we realize we don't belong. And that's 'cause we weren't really sure on the destination. And, and I think in midlife we fall prey to it. I think throughout life in general, we fall prey to it a lot because it's back to that connection thing is that sometimes we're so driven by that connection that it will make us ignore things that are actually more important, but they're ahead of us.

And so we make those decisions in the now without any awareness of how they impact the future. And so. You know, it is knowing that, well, where is that destination? Because then I can strategically choose. I might love all those people, but I might have to choose that I don't go on that journey and I love them from a distance, or I maintain a connection some other way because that's my destination there.

And I think. I'd say to everybody, you know when it comes down to that thing I've mentioned earlier about people pleasing and when you don't do stuff in service of yourself, then you are not turning up authentically and. If you are sacrificing yourself to do that, then it's not authentic. And in fact it will go wrong at some point because it's not a win-win.

It's a win lose in there somewhere. Yeah. And so it's more respectful to walk away from a situation sometimes, no matter how hard that might be and say, but this is just not for me. It doesn't mean I don't love you, respect you, enjoy your company, but this. It is not for me right now. And so, you know, I have to go this way.

You go that way. I'll ring you in a week's time, we'll see how we're doing. But, you know, kind of to be, make it really blunt and try and make something complicated, simple. Right. It's kind of, it's that element to it. Yeah. No, I totally understand that for sure. I've done a lot of episodes on just that conversation alone, specifically for dealing with people in addiction, talking about codependency and enablement and boundary setting.

So, uh, I have had a lot of great conversations about that. And it is, as you mentioned, is it it quite complex? You know, it seems simple. Tell the person, no, I'm not gonna see you unless you're sober. Uh, but when that person is someone you love and care about and you're watching them, uh, essentially kill themselves, it's difficult to to say you don't wanna see them, especially dealing with the what ifs, you know, of what if I don't see them and something happens, you know?

So it, it definitely is a complex situation. And, and to further expand upon the buses, you know, I was thinking about how. Uh, you know, there are a lot of streets and cities with the same name, but they're different places, you know, and I was buying movie tickets online for Jacksonville, Florida, and I bought my tickets for Jacksonville, North Carolina, and I got to the movie theater and they're like, you, we don't have your tickets.

I'm like, I bought them here. And you know, it, it was the smallest two letters from from FL to nc. Yeah. And so sometimes where we're trying to go in life can look like what we think it is, but actually be slightly different. And that, and that can change everything. So I think we gotta be, uh, vigilant and discerning.

And you know, as we wrap this episode up here, I would love for you to share a little bit about, you've mentioned coaching quite a bit. You know, who would be best benefited from working with you, who should really reach out to you? And of course if you could tell us a little about. Uh, your website, which has a ton of resources on it.

Yeah. So, um, I. I am a life coach in the purest form in the I coach life, if that makes sense. So not executive, not any of those things. You know, I do do some work in addiction services like voluntarily so, but it is anybody who feels that sense of loss. Um, a lot of my clients come to me with anxiety, overwhelm, a lack of purpose, like feeling that emptiness, almost that sense of, of grief inside them.

And in that it's finding that, you know, kind of what we do essentially is find the destination for the bus and, and work through it like that with them. And it's. Right. Um, some people come for six sessions, 12 sessions longer. It's very much kind of how it suits them. But the key part of my work is, is peeling back that element and getting.

Helping them. Sometimes we need someone to help us pick up the phone that's ringing to that inner self. And so I kind of feel like sometimes I'm almost like a translator or an interpreter. And that's my job as a coach is, you know, is that I will listen to what the, the person is saying and ask lots of questions and then reflect it back.

And in that, that enables people to connect with what's being said by the inner self. And then we. Work on all sorts of things, from values to self-compassion, to nurturing change, to working on goals. But the first part of it is to get clear on where they are and decide where they want to go. Right. And then we do the kind of bit in the middle and, and I think, you know, like you don't have to have a specific problem.

If you are feeling that sense, yeah, that feels maybe like grief or depression and you don't feel it warrants therapy. Um, or you know, you are feeling that I don't know where I'm going. That lack of purpose, there's a huge life shift. My identity. Then that's why I work with people around and I think. If nobody, if you've never had a coach before.

I had a lot of therapy. I mean, I've sat here this evening and spoken like, you know, I didn't do all of that by myself. Let's just make that clear. Right, right, right. You just wake up, up one day, you're like, I know everything now. You know? That's it. It takes, takes magic. It's, it's all cured and gone. I had a lot of therapy and Right.

But the moment it changed for me, there's a point where sometimes, and I say this as well, if you're someone that's had a lot of therapy and you, and there are times when people come to work with me and I say, no, you need to go to therapy. You're not ready to be coached. You need to go, go to a therapist first or see a therapist and me at the same time, but.

I think quite commonly, other people that I work with a lot are people who've come to the end of a lot of therapy and they maybe felt like they were trapped in the therapy and. Um, I know it happened to me where I was like, do we need to do, I I've done, like, I, I I'm good. Like I get it now I'm good. And you kind of like, now I want to move forward.

And that's what I say to people is that that's the key thing there is if you feel like you need a direction forward and you need to move beyond where you are, then. That's what we do as life coaches is take people from here to there kind of thing. And you know, that's the major difference. And for me, that's what then became the breakthrough is once I understood myself, I needed to work out how I moved away from that pain and that trauma.

And so I have a range of different things from a free community to anything and everything is on my website, which is authentic coaching me. It's very simple, authentic coaching. Do me and um, feel free to reach out. Um, I respond to everything personally. It, it's just little lo me. It's not some huge, big thing kind of thing, so, right.

And it's always nice as well if something's resonated or you have a story today or you wanna share something, you know, it's always nice back to connection. It's always nice to know that the podcast connected or that what we shared, I'm sure you find it as well, is sometimes it goes out there in the ether.

Right. And you can feel like you are, you can feel like you're just shouting down a valley, listening to yourself, coming back at a hundred percent. So yeah, so kind of, um, reach out and like I say, and I have stuff from coaching directly with me to stuff that you do by yourself. So, and there is loads of tools and there's one, the start stopping I mentioned, right.

Um, that's actually a mini course, but I will send you a podcast. Discount code. And so if you pop it in the show notes, if people pop that in, they'll get the start stopping course free, which is that bit in midlife where you go decide what you're gonna take out your case and put back in. Perfect. So ladies and gentlemen, again, we're gonna add that website and description below for people to check out as well as Mr.

Brooks information. And I wanna thank you for your time today. You know, I think, and I always emphasize this, it's so important that we take our look back and make it someone else's look forward to. You know, as you mentioned a lot which. You know, I definitely have seen in my life, in the life of others, which is a lot of the hardships in our lives are ultimately opportunities that we are in charge of cultivating life lessons from them, the positives and shaping where we go and how we impact others with that.

So thank you for the work that you do and for your time today. Thank you. It is been a complete pleasure.