The Introvert Leader

10 Lessons from 10 Years of Marriage

• Austin Hopkins

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In this episode, I’m sharing 10 observations from 10 years of marriage. These aren’t vague ideas—they’re real lessons that have shaped how I show up in life, in my career, and in my relationships. If you’re in a relationship or thinking about long-term commitment, I hope these stories and insights help you build something strong, lasting, and honest. Whether you're married, dating, or figuring it all out—there’s something in here for you.



Timestamps:
00:38 - Austin Update

02:15 - Why Discuss Marriage: Marriage has impacted my career and life more than anything else. Here’s why this topic matters.

3:04 - 10 Observations from 10 Years in Marriage: From shared hobbies to personal identity, respect, and faith—these are the lessons I’ve learned and lived.

16:33 - Challenge For Listeners: Call out something small your partner did this week and tell them you appreciate it.



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What's the point of marriage? It seems like a big hassle. Nobody stays together. I don't even know if it's worth it. Now, if you share that perspective, you may just change your mind by the end of this episode today, in honor of the 10 year anniversary with my beautiful wife, I thought it'd be fun to share with you the 10 observations I had from a decade of marriage. So before we do that, I want to give you a quick update on what I've been into recently. Okay, so you may have noticed when you clicked on the podcast today, it looked a little different. That's because over the last couple of months, I have gone through a complete ground up rebrand of the podcast. We've got new album art that I think really speaks to kind of the vibe of the show. You know, I liked what I had before, and I think it served its purpose, but as you kind of move into this new season of the show. I really wanted it to feel a little bit more elevated, a little more upscale, and kind of really just resonate with my style. So really happy with it. I think it speaks to exactly who I am, the kind of vibe I'm trying to give off, all that kind of stuff, really proud of it. And the next thing I'm working on is an intro animation for YouTube. So this is going to be for the channel. You're going to see it in the next couple of weeks, but just kind of finishing the last final tweaks, but overall, I'm really happy with it. I think it's going to really just speak to the style and to the vibe that I'm trying to give off. So new changes. Excited about them. Thought I'd share with you before we wrap up coaching update. I don't know if you have been struggling at work with anything. Maybe you're kind of feeling like you're capable of more. Maybe you're feeling stuck. Maybe you're feeling like, gosh, I know I can move up to the next level, but it's just not working, right? You're maybe stuck in the same role. Maybe you're not making as much as you want. Hey, I've been there. I know what that's like, and that's what I help clients with all day long. So at SDS coaching, we really help clients do three things, build confidence, take risks and make an impact. So if you want to make more money, if you want to get promoted, get promoted faster, if you want to make a bigger impact, click the link in the description. I'd love to see if we might be a good fit to work together. Okay, moving on. Today. We're going to keep it kind of brief, and I'm just going to share with you my 10 observations. So why do I think this is important to talk about? Well, I'll be honest with you, I think that marrying my wife Asa was the single best thing that I have ever done for my career and for my life. She has made me better. She has helped my career. And honestly, I just feel like I gotta shout this from the rooftops and tell people kind of my experience and my observations. I don't know if a lot of folks are still getting into long term marriages or even seeing the value of that. But growing up, I got to watch my parents demonstrate what that looked like. And you know, they just celebrated over 50 years of marriage this year, and that's what I'm going for. I want to stay with my wife and continue to do cool shit in our personal life, our professional life, you name it. So that's what I want to talk about today. Just give you the 10 observations. We'll go through them. I'll give you a couple examples, kind of break them down. So when I look back on a decade of marriage in no particular order, here's the first observation that I kind of have, number one, shared hobbies create a deeper connection. So it's interesting, if you and your partner like the same kind of things, it makes spending time with your partner so much more enjoyable. So like, if you both are into like a cool sport, maybe it's pickleball, or maybe you're into cooking together, or maybe you're really like nerding out over coffee, or, I don't know what it is for you guys, but find something that you both are interested in, and you'll find that your connection gets so much deeper because you're sharing experiences and you're bonding over things you both enjoy, just like with your friends. You grow closer with your friends when you have shared hobbies, same thing with your partner. So try to find something you know, for me and my wife, it's pickleball, it's sports outside, it's weight lifting, it's it's trying new restaurants, just all the kind of fun stuff I've talked about in the podcast. That's the stuff we love doing together. So number one, shared hobbies create a deeper connection. Number two, individual identity matters. So when you got married, or if you're thinking about getting married, you're marrying an individual, right? You're not marrying a couple. And so I think sometimes folks who stay married for longer periods of time, over time, they start to kind of morph into one person. So, you know, the two spouses start to mold into one, and when you look at them, you start to, like, kind of see a hollow shell of the person that you might have married, right? They're not their same unique self, because they've kind of molded and melded into who you are, right? And so I think that's one thing that I think is really, really important. And an observation for my own marriage is like, let the individual be the individual. Like, let them go have their own friends. Let them have their own hobbies. You don't have to share every hobby. Let them have their own interests, let them do their own things. You're going to continue to appreciate them, because that's what you fell in love with in the beginning, right? You fell in love with that individual, not a couple. So that was a really good one for me as well. Kind of a fun observation. Number three, talk about everything. So this one's kind of uncomfortable, right? There are so many little topics that you're going to find that.


Come up in a long term relationship. Maybe it's money, sex life, religion, politics, family dynamics. I don't know what it is, but there are so many, like taboo kind of topics, and sometimes people shy away from that stuff. They don't feel like they want to talk about it. It's uncomfortable. They don't want to make the other person feel weird. And for me, what I really observed in my own life, in our own marriage, is like, talk about everything, so nothing is off the table. I don't care if it's uncomfortable. I don't care if you don't want to do it. You have to talk about everything, because if you talk about everything, then there's no surprises. You know exactly what your partner's feeling, they know what you're feeling, and it honestly solves a lot of problems and really helps you avoid fights, because you're more aligned, right? Just like at work, if you're talking with your boss and you're both on the same page, you're more aligned, the relationship's better. Same with at home, the more you're aligned. You talk about everything, nothing's off the table. Really, really helpful.

Okay, the next one, help your partner become the best version of themselves. This is one that I hold really, really close to my heart, and as you know, I've shared my why before, which is, I want to help the folks around me become the best version of themselves, and that's 100% my wife. So whether that means like, mental health, physical health, professional life, personal life, hobbies, relationships, friends, I don't care what it is. So if you're focused on creating the best version of yourself within you, and then you're also doing that for your spouse. My goodness, they are going to appreciate you like nobody's business. And at the end of the day, you're married to this person, right? Your success is tied to theirs. So if they're winning in life, you're winning in life. And that kind of transitions perfect to the next one, which is never compete. So at the end of the day, if your spouse gets a win, that's a win for you, right? So if my wife gets a big promotion and starts making more money, like I don't need to feel threatened by that. I need to be celebrating that, like I don't need to compete when she gets a win, I consider that a win for me. And it's funny, I have noticed that certain couples kind of compete with each other. They'll maybe even put each other down, or like somebody gets a new job or a promotion, or something cool happens in their life, and the other person downplays it or doesn't celebrate it, because maybe they're jealous, or maybe they feel like they're competing. And that's just something that I think is really, really good to avoid, is don't compete. At the end of the day, I see all of my wife's wins as a win for our household. So like I said, if she's making more money than me, great, that's awesome. We're making more money as a family. I don't feel threatened by that. I don't need to compete with her. Like, more power to her. Okay? Number six, which is give your partner your undivided attention. So we're so busy, right, as humans, right? We've got our phones, we've got work, we've maybe got kids, social commitments, all this kind of stuff. And so the time that we actually get to spend one on one with our spouse is kind of precious. And I really noticed the kind of the beginning of our relationship, that there was a lot of power in really giving my wife undivided attention. Now, I'm not perfect to this, so I won't claim that, but I will say, like, little things, like, if she's talking to me, I don't have my phone in my hand. I'm not looking at my phone. If we're at dinner, I'm not on my phone. Like you have very few precious moments with your spouse, so show them that they're important and don't be distracted. Now, you know, again, perfection is not the goal, but just if you catch yourself wanting to pick up your phone as your wife's telling you something about your day, or your husband's breaking down something that happened over the weekend, like, just give them two minutes. Like, you'll see that they will feel like they're important, and you'll find that you're also learning more about your spouse because you're giving them your full attention. So really, really underrated one, just give them your full attention, your undivided attention anytime you're hanging out with them. Okay, next one, number seven, embrace your partner for who they are, not who you want them to be. So why would we try to change someone that we fell in love with? Like I don't know if you've struggled with this, but I can tell you for a fact, I struggled with this in the beginning of the relationship with my wife. There were things that she did that I thought she could be doing better, or that she should change. And you know, we had some fights about that, and disagreements and friction, and eventually I realized, like, what are you trying to change her for? She's an adult, and if you got with her for the reasons you did, you should be loving and embracing everything about her. And no one's perfect, and if you try to change the things that make them unique, you might just find that you regret that at some point. So for me, the big aha, the big revelatory moment was like, just allow my wife to be my wife. So she has a different communication style than me, and right in the beginning, I really tried to change her communication style. I wanted to be more like mine, because I'm the best, right? Well, over time, I just realized that doesn't work, and it made us really, really unhappy. So what I started doing is just trying to find the ways to appreciate who she is and let her be who she is. And soon as we really kind of made that commitment, my goodness, it was just so much more enjoyable to be around that person, because I didn't feel like I had to correct her. She didn't have to feel like she had to give me feedback. It was just us being who we are, the people that we fell in love with. So that's an underrated one. Of course, I feel like they're all kind of underrated to be honest with you. Next one, help your partner chase their dreams. Number eight. So this one is really special to me, and the reason why it's because I think my wife does this better than any other person I've ever met. So like when she first met me, I told.


Her kind of some of my dreams. What I wanted to do, I wanted to be a director by the age of 30. You know, I wanted to have a financially sound household. I wanted to pursue hobbies, travel, the different things that we talked about early on in our life. And it's really, really cool to see my wife. She has been my number one cheerleader over and over and over again when I wanted to move to New York. Do you think she was super excited about that? Necessarily, not initially, but she knew this was my dream, to to live in New York one day and to build my career. So she said, let's take the risk. And she did that for me. And again, when I wanted to quit my job and start a podcast and a coaching business, who was right there, supporting me, rooting me on, telling me I could do it, it was my wife, and I think that is such a cool thing to have in a relationship. If you're able to help your partner chase their dreams, they will forever be indebted to you. And by the way, it will feel so freaking good to watch someone close to you do hard, cool shit, like there's nothing like watching a friend a spouse do something out of their comfort zone, do something big, chase their dreams and then actually achieve them. There is literally nothing like it. So I gotta say, my wife is fantastic at that. I do my very best to help my wife chase her dreams, and I really think it has strengthened our relationships for sure.


Okay, number nine, recognition and appreciation. So I think this one is kind of like, maybe obvious, but maybe not. But I think verbal appreciation and recognition for your spouse is an absolute game changer. So here's what I mean by that your husband does the dishes for you. Like you could just be like, Oh, that was cool that he did them. Or you could say, Hey, man, I really appreciate you doing the dishes. I wasn't looking forward to doing those when I got home today. Or, let's say your wife, you know, makes you an amazing snack, and you've been hungry, right? You've been working all day, and she makes you a snack. Well, don't just, you know, go on your way and let that moment pass. Like, make sure to, like, call that out. Like, hey, I really appreciate you taking the time to make that for me. That's something that me and my wife have really tried to do over the last 10 years. And it's funny when you're always giving each other appreciation and pointing out the good stuff, it kind of makes the bad stuff not so bad, and it kind of just gives the relationship like, a really strong, positive bedrock, kind of foundation, instead of like nitpicking, trying to find the little things that are wrong. If you're always looking at the positive things that they're doing, it'll be really easy to ignore the little stuff that maybe bothers you. And you know, you'll also notice that as a hidden bonus, they're going to start wanting to do more of whatever you recognize them for. So, you know, if you recognize your spouse for always, you know, thinking of you when they go to the store and picking you up something, they're probably going to keep doing that. Or you recognize your spouse for always, you know, taking the trash out, gosh, they're going to keep doing that because they like that feeling of you feeling pleased, right? So little things like that, call out, find the smallest little things you can to recognize your partner. It has meant the world to me and my wife, Asa, and I highly recommend, Okay, number 10, this is a really, really important one, and it's more just like about you as a person, which is be someone your partner could admire and respect. So, you know, there's so many times where I see couples get together, and over time, you start to see one of the people loses respect for the other. You know, maybe they are doing unethical stuff. Maybe they're, you know, they're not taking care of themselves, they're being lazy. They're treating people the wrong way. I don't know what it is, but they start to lose respect. And when you start to lose respect for your spouse. That's when scary stuff starts to happen, right? Because you start to forget why you're with that person in the first place. And so for me, you know, I think I've really taken this to heart, is like, I want my wife to be really proud and respect and admire me, right? I want her to, when she's talking with her friends, not be talking shit about, oh, my husband's lazy. He doesn't take care of this. He doesn't pay attention. He's not engaged opposite. I want her to be singing my praises, to her friends, her family, because she respects me, because she admires who I am. And so what does that what does that look like? That means like, doing the stuff that you know you need to do, following through, you know, being a kind human being, humble, all the things that kind of make you a good person, those are the things that you really need to focus on. And sometimes it could be easy to let your guard down. That's my spouse. I don't have to be consistent today. You know, they'll accept me for who I am at the end of the day, I don't share that perspective. My perspective is this, I have chosen to be with this person for the rest of my life. They have chosen to be with me. I need to make sure that they never regret their choice, and that's really the goal there, right? I never want my wife to one day of her life, think, Gosh, could I have done better? Like, is this the right person for me? And when you are the person that they can admire and respect, they're not going to have those kind of feelings because they're pleased to be with you. They think you're a badass, right? Okay, before we wrap up, I'm going to give you a bonus number 11. That's the kind of guy I am. I'm giving out free value bonus number 11, which is, make your faith a big part of your relationship. So I don't know what kind of faith you have or religious views or anything like that, and I'm not trying to push that on you, but what I'll say for me and my wife is that we made our faith a really big important part of our relationship. So like before we got together, I told her my faith is really, really important. This is the.

Rock of my life. These are the things that helped me become successful in my personal and professional life, and I want to make sure that's good with you, and she was on board. So making that a part of our relationship has been really, really important. And the reason why I think it's so important is like, humans are messy, right? We're flawed, we make mistakes. We're not always good people, and if you put your faith in another human being, even if they're your spouse, eventually they're gonna let you down because they're trying to get through life just like you are. But if you put your faith in something bigger, something that's more meaningful, something that can ground you and kind of you know, give your experience on earth a little more context, my goodness, you will never regret it. So this one's been a really, really big one for us, and so I thought I'd share with you. So I want to recap and share with you again the 10 observations from a decade in marriage.


Number one, shared hobbies create a deeper connection. Number two, individual identity matters. Number three, talk about everything. Nothing's off the table. Number four, help your partner become the best version of themselves. Number five, never compete. Number six, give your partner your undivided attention. Number seven, embrace your partner for who they are not for who you want them to be. Number eight, help your partner chase their dreams. Number nine, give your partner lots of recognition appreciation. Number 10, be someone your partner can admire and respect. And number 11, the bonus is make something like your faith a big part of your relationship. You won't regret it. So I hope those were helpful. I just thought it'd be fun to share those 10 observations from 10 years of marriage. And so here's the challenge for you today. I want you to take a moment to show whoever you're with, your spouse, your partner, your husband, your wife, that you appreciate them. Find something small, pick the smallest thing this week, and just try to call that out and watch how that makes them feel, and watch how that makes you feel. And so as we wrap up, I want to dedicate this episode to my wife, my lovely wife ASA, she has been rooting me on. She has made this podcast a reality. She's made my business a reality, my career goals a reality. I cannot thank her enough for being my best friend, my biggest motivator, and so I want to say thank you so much for listening today. Make it a great day.

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Austin Hopkins

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