Situationship to Soulmate
This podcast is for YOU if: You're feeling stuck in the cycle of hurtful and harmful dating and intimacy experiences. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, you just can't stop making the same mistakes over and over again in your romantic relationships. If you are over "hookup culture" and "situationships", but seem to still attract people who can only give you that level of commitment. If all the people you date and sleep with have one thing in common: they inevitably leave you feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.
Situationship to Soulmate
How to Set Boundaries in Relationships and Situationships
Struggling with setting boundaries in your relationships? You're not alone. I've been on this challenging journey myself, and I'm ready to share my personal experiences and lessons learned. We'll dive into the pivotal insights from Nedra Glover Tawab's book, "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," and discuss how these principles have been instrumental in understanding and addressing boundary issues in my own life, and could be for you too. We'll also examine the telltale signs that indicate you need to better define your boundaries - from feeling overwhelmed and resentful to avoiding interactions with people who might ask for help.
We often find ourselves saying 'sorry' after setting a boundary, but it's crucial to remember that you're not doing anything wrong by taking care of your mental and emotional wellbeing. We'll navigate through these exercises together to ensure you are confident in setting, maintaining, and respecting your own boundaries in relationships or situationshipships. These are necessary steps you can take to ensure you feel safe and comfortable.
Remember, prioritizing yourself is NOT SELFISH!
Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @shamelesslyshelly + @situationshiptosoulmate
Welcome to the Situation to Soulmate podcast, your guide to navigating the complicated world of dating and sex in your 20s. I'm your host, shelley, content creator, mental health counseling graduate student and a trained sex and relationship coach. After going through a lot of traumatic, unhealthy and toxic experiences throughout my 20s, I'm finally ready to use what I've learned over the years to help those of you who are still experiencing it. I went from situationships, bad hookups and settling for less than I deserved to finding my soulmate, all within one year. Let's help you get there too. Welcome back to the podcast.
Speaker 1:Today's episode is all about boundaries, and this topic is one that I love to talk about, but I also am still actively working on with myself. I am nowhere near perfect with boundaries. It's one of the things that I've struggled with the most in my life and it's one of the main topics that I work on with my therapist. So I definitely am coming to this episode from a place of like. I am still working on this myself. I am, you know, I struggle as much as you probably do on this and, yeah, we're going to just talk about it and work through it together. So one of the resources that has helped me the most around boundaries is a book that my therapist recommended to me. It's called Set Boundaries, find Peace a Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. It's by Nadra Glover Tawab and this book has been awesome. I really really learned a lot from it and also just was relating to a lot of the stories in it. The author is a therapist and she, you know, tells stories from real clients that she's had and it's just like very relatable to hear kind of how issues with boundaries can manifest in different areas of our life and in different personality types, different situations. I highly recommend this book if you are looking for a way to work on your boundaries, and it also you can also get the workbook. So there's the Set Boundaries workbook and I'm going to actually share a few of the exercises from that workbook in this episode, probably at the very end, so stay tuned for that.
Speaker 1:So boundaries come up in all areas of our life, but obviously this podcast is geared towards dating and relationships and sex, so that is what we're going to be focusing on in regard to boundaries, and I would argue that boundaries in a romantic relationship are, like some of the hardest boundaries to set, because you know when you love someone, you don't want to have to say no to them and even if you don't love someone, even if it's just someone you're dating or someone you've been on a couple of dates with and you feel like you need to set a boundary with them, it can be hard because you you are worried about what they will think about you or you don't want to hurt their feelings or all these different things. But it's also very, very important because I feel like what happens when we don't have good boundaries in relationships is we start to build resentment, and this can obviously happen with friendships too, as well as romantic relationships. But resentment is kind of one of the worst things, I think, for relationships, and I really liked this quote from the book that I mentioned earlier. She says I carried around a lot of resentment, hoping that others would guess my mood and wishes. Through trial and error, I've learned that people will not guess my needs. They went about their day while I suffered in silence. I love that quote. I feel like it really encapsulates exactly how I used to feel and still feel every now and then when I don't set good boundaries. It's like that resentment and suffering in silence. Like she says.
Speaker 1:Like you, you feel like people should just know what you want or know what you need, and it can feel really violating when someone crosses a boundary. But at the same time you kind of have to ask yourself like am I, did I actually set that boundary? Did I actually communicate clearly what I needed, or did I just kind of hope that they would read my mind, or hope that they would guess what I needed, or just think that, like everyone would know that? And if that's the case, then you kind of have to, you know, take some accountability for the fact that boundaries do need to be communicated clearly. People can't read your mind. Even if it's your partner who knows you really well, they still can't read your mind.
Speaker 1:So I wanted to quickly read this list that is in this book. It is a list of signs that you need boundaries, and if you're relating to any of these, whether from past relationships that you can reflect on, or maybe a current relationship or current dating situation, then this is maybe your sign that you need better boundaries. So the first one is you feel overwhelmed. You feel resentment towards people for asking for your help. You avoid phone calls and interactions with people you think might ask for something. You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return. You feel burnt out. You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing and you have no time for yourself. So that's just a quick list of ways that you might be able to see Um, or ways that you might be able to recognize that you need better boundaries in your life. I know that for myself.
Speaker 1:I really resonated with the feeling, overwhelmed, feeling resentment, um, avoiding interactions sometimes and also like commenting on how, like, oh, I help other people or I did this for that person and they didn't do it back you know, they didn't return the favor and then just feeling burnt out, and all of these were definitely signs that I, you know, eventually realized meant that I needed to be setting better boundaries in my life. And I think, when it comes to dating, I really, really felt a lot of these um, a lot of these examples. In the kind of toxic or unfulfilling dating situations or relationships that I was in throughout my twenties, I definitely felt a lot of resentment towards people. Um, I, you know, I would feel like I was always giving more than the other person gave in most of the relationships that I was in, um, in some of the situations that I was in, I felt burnt out, I felt overwhelmed and, you know, sometimes those feelings would kind of cause me to, you know, when I wasn't dating anyone, it would cause me to kind of just avoid, you know, avoid dating altogether, because I felt like why would I want to put myself out there, why would I want to try to date when all dating ends up giving me is a lot of stress, a lot of you know me giving more than I'm getting, and you know all that stuff.
Speaker 1:And I know, for me I had this pattern of dating people who, for lack of a better way to put it, I kind of felt like I could fix, or I felt like they needed me, I felt like I could be that support system for them, and so I was giving and giving and giving and and I was not getting much in return, or I was not getting what I felt like I was giving, like it didn't feel equal to me, and that caused a lot of resentment towards a lot of the situations and relationships that I was in. And it wasn't until I started learning more about boundaries that I realized like it is not someone else's fault if I am choosing to give and give and give to them, like most people are not going to complain and they're not going to stop you if you are offering to do all these things for them or to help them through a hard time or you know, whatever the case may be, like it's your job to realize. You know what actually, I think I can't handle this or I think that I need to to. You know, pull back a little bit. I think I'm I'm putting too much of my time and energy into this relationship. Like that's on you to figure out. Other people are not going to tell you to stop trying to help them or stop trying to fix them.
Speaker 1:And in this book about boundaries that I've been referencing, she has this great quote where she says it's not my job to save people. It's my job to sorry. It's not my job to save people. It's not my job to fix people. I can help people but I can't fix them, and I feel like that really resonated with me and I'm sure it'll resonate with some of you.
Speaker 1:If you feel like you are constantly dating people who need help or need to be fixed, that might just be something to think about. Is like you really can't fix anyone, and in trying to fix someone? Are you going to end up feeling resentful and feeling burnt out because you're giving all of this time and energy and they're not willing or able to give you the same in return? And again, if you do find yourself in these types of relationships or in this kind of pattern of dating people who demand a lot of time and energy from you and it feels like they're draining you almost, it is your responsibility to get yourself out of that situation. If you don't like how you're feeling with this person, if you don't, if you feel like it's not even they're not giving you back the same amount that you're giving them, it is ultimately your responsibility to get out of that situation and to leave.
Speaker 1:And I think what I did for many years was just like feel resentful and angry at people for not treating me the way that I thought I deserved to be treated, but at the same time, I was letting them do that. I was willingly staying in those relationships and continuing to give and give and give and not getting the same in return, and then getting mad that they weren't giving that to me when all I really had to do was decide to do something about it. So why don't we do something about it? Why do a lot of us get stuck in these cycles of being in relationships or situations where we feel like we're not getting what we need from it, but yet we're not doing anything about it? Or we feel like maybe some boundaries need to be set, but we just continue to not set them.
Speaker 1:And in this book she says that the number one reason that people avoid setting boundaries is a fear of the other person getting mad at them. And this was like wow, I hate feeling like someone's mad at me. So you know, when I realized that those things were connected, like these past relationships that I was in where I felt stuck and I felt like I just couldn't set boundaries, even though I knew deep down that I needed to, it stemmed from a fear of the other person being mad at me or a fear of them not wanting to be with me anymore. But when we are afraid of what other people are thinking of us, or we're afraid of hurting someone's feelings, or we're afraid of them not liking us, that fear is really just all in our heads. Because unless that person has said to our face like I'm mad at you or I don't like you anymore or whatever, like we are just making up, like we're just making an assumption that that's how they feel. And another great quote from this book. I'm just quoting this book, the whole episode.
Speaker 1:But she says fear is not rooted. In fact, fear is rooted in negative thoughts and the storylines in our heads. Wow, that really hit home for me, I think. So often we are afraid to set a boundary because we're afraid of how the other person will feel or what they will do, but that fear is not based in reality. That fear is just based in whatever story we're telling ourselves. And until we actually set the boundary, we won't know how the person is going to react, you know, and ultimately, like, even if they do get mad at us, even if they do say they don't like us anymore, at least we are staying true to ourselves, at least we are standing up for ourselves. You know, I think boundaries is really an act of self love and it's an act of standing up for yourself, of saying this is what I deserve and I'm going to ask for it.
Speaker 1:So the other thing that I think happens a lot in dating around boundaries is that maybe we do set a boundary, like, maybe we do feel like we've communicated a boundary and the person just doesn't listen. Or we feel like we set the boundary but then for some reason, we're like wait, but why does this keep happening, even after I said no or even after I set a boundary? So if you feel like this happens to you a lot, where you're like I don't necessarily have a problem with setting boundaries like I do set boundaries but then I feel like the people that I set boundaries with aren't really listening to them or they're not respecting them, the book that I've been referencing has a great list of reasons why people don't respect your boundaries, so I just wanted to read a couple of them to you in case any of these might resonate. So, number one, you don't take yourself seriously. Number two, you don't hold people accountable. Number three, you apologize for setting boundaries, you allow too much flexibility, you speak in uncertain terms, you haven't verbalized your boundaries, they're all in your head, or you assume that stating your boundaries once is enough. And then, lastly, you assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary. So all of these are basically examples of If you feel like you're setting boundaries and people are not respecting them.
Speaker 1:Take a listen to that list again and think am I doing any of these things? So am I actually taking myself seriously, like when I'm setting a boundary? Am I acting like this is actually a serious thing, or am I saying it in kind of like a joking way? Or am I actually in my own head thinking like, oh, this boundary isn't that important, like whatever, like if they listen, that's cool, but if not, it's okay too, you know? Or like, am I apologizing for setting boundaries? That is a big one that I really didn't realize was such a problem for me until more recently, when I started digging into boundaries and I also started realizing like I apologize a lot, I say sorry a lot, and I do tend to apologize after setting a boundary or apologize for setting a boundary.
Speaker 1:You know, if you set a boundary and then immediately afterwards you're like I'm sorry, I'm sorry, like, like, acting like it's such a big inconvenience that you even set this boundary, the person is not going to really take you seriously. Or they're going to think you're kind of giving them an excuse to not listen to the boundary because it seems like you yourself don't really even take it that seriously. Or you, you're like, you're sorry for even setting the boundary. Boundaries need to be really strong and firm in like this is what I need, this is what I want, this is who I am, and you're not apologized. And again, this is something that I struggle with a lot, so I totally understand it can be difficult. I'm trying to get of an example.
Speaker 1:Okay, so say, your partner is in the mood and they are being kind of flirty or trying to initiate intimacy with you, and you're just not feeling it or for whatever reason. Maybe your stomach hurts, maybe you're just you're just not feeling in the mood. And they are, and you tell them you know you set a boundary. You tell them like, hey, I'm just, I'm not in the mood right now. But then immediately afterwards you say I'm sorry, like I'm really sorry for not wanting to right now. I know you really want to. I'm sorry, no, like you don't need to apologize for setting a boundary, you don't need to apologize for not being in the mood, like that's bound to happen. That's a very common thing in relationships. Most of the time, both people in a relationship are not going to be in the mood for the exact same things at the exact same time. So when you apologize after setting the boundary, it honestly kind of makes you appear a little bit weak and I don't love using that term because I myself like hate feeling like I'm weak and I you know, boundaries in the of themselves are supposed to be a way to feel strong, right? So just don't invalidate your own boundary by apologizing right afterwards.
Speaker 1:And then the other one I wanted to touch on from this list was you assume that stating your boundary once is enough. This one was a really like enlightening one for me when I was reading this book, because I think I know for myself, I can think of many times where I did set a boundary and I was like, wow, I'm really proud of myself, I actually set that boundary, I actually said no to that person. But then when the person kind of pushed a little bit, or when they maybe didn't quite seem to understand the boundary that I had set, I just kind of let it slide. And then I would look back on it and be like, well, but I did set the boundary, I did say no, so that should have been it right.
Speaker 1:And what this book basically explains is that a lot of times you need to set a boundary more than once. Now, obviously it depends on the situation. If we're talking about consent with sex, for example, you should be able to just say no once and have the person listen to you. But with a lot of other things like, especially if it's a boundary with someone who is not used to you setting boundaries, if you're kind of new or to setting boundaries, or if you're in a relationship where in the past you have not set a lot of boundaries and now you're starting to set boundaries, you may need to set a boundary more than one time. You may need to re-explain it or reaffirm it. You can't just think that you can just say a boundary one time and then never have to talk about it. So again, if you're someone who feels like you have been setting boundaries but something's not really working like it, feels like people are still kind of crossing your boundaries, or you feel like you have to repeat them a lot, listen back to that part where I listed all of the different reasons why people might not be respecting your boundaries and figure out if there's any of those items that you could be working on more.
Speaker 1:And sometimes this does mean changing your own expectations. I think we do often have the expectation of the example I just gave of like I should be able to just say a boundary once and then never have to say it again, and that's just not the case for most situations. So I wanted to read this one last quote from the book because I think it's a really great definition of boundaries. It says boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations and relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others. But, like I mentioned in the situations episode and the hookup culture episode, we need to be focusing on what is best for us, and focusing on yourself is not selfish. You know like I think sometimes we think in relationships we're supposed to be. You know relationships take sacrifice and compromise and all of that, and that's true. But in a healthy relationship you should feel safe and comfortable. So, like that quote says, like boundaries are our needs and desires and expectations that you have that are going to help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationship, I think that if a relationship lacks boundaries, it often lacks a feeling of safety and comfort, and sometimes we have to be really honest with ourselves and, you know, hold ourselves accountable and be like am I the one that's causing?
Speaker 1:Like, am I basically causing myself to not feel safe or comfortable because I am not setting boundaries? You know, am I do? I have all these boundaries in my head that I think that my partner should be able to, like, read my mind and just know that I have those. Have I actually communicated my boundaries? So, if you're feeling uncomfortable or unsafe in a relationship or a situation ship, I think you should really think about, like, are there boundaries that I have not been setting and are there expectations that I have of this other person that I have not communicated to them?
Speaker 1:I think this comes up a lot in situations, especially where it's like, you know, if you're in a situation ship and you have not yet had a conversation with the person around whether or not they're sleeping with other people, for example, and you know that for you, you know, exclusivity is a boundary and you don't want to be sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with other people, you need to communicate that to the other person. And if you haven't communicated it and you're feeling really uneasy and uncomfortable and you're like constantly wondering, like I don't know if he's hooking up with other people, I don't know what's going on. That's a sign that you need to set the boundary and you need to tell him like hey, for me, I am not down to be continuing to see you if I know that you're with other people. So I need to, you know, I just I need to know that you are only seeing me. And if you feel like you are someone who avoids conflict I think that this is a big one for those of us who struggle with boundaries is like we consider ourselves to be kind of conflict avoidant type of people. Right, but really, when we're avoiding conflict or we're avoiding setting boundaries because we're afraid of conflict, we are not taking care of ourselves, we're not loving ourselves and we're ultimately hurting the relationship we're in, whether it's just a situation ship or a hookup, or whether it's a long-term relationship. The last kind of piece of knowledge I want to drop for this episode is if you are someone that struggles with avoiding conflict or you feel like you avoid issues a lot like with the example I gave a minute ago if you are avoiding having a conversation with the person you're hooking up with or dating around, whether or not they're seeing other people you are. By avoiding that conversation and avoiding that issue, you are actually going to see that same issue come up over and over again in future relationships.
Speaker 1:In the book she has another great quote. She says avoidance is a passive, aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response. Avoiding a discussion of our expectations doesn't prevent conflict. It prolongs the inevitable task of setting boundaries. So if we're avoiding having a conversation of exclusivity with someone, for example, we aren't actually preventing conflict. We're just prolonging this inevitable task of setting boundaries. Like she said, if you feel like you're a very passive, aggressive or avoidant person when it comes to relationships, I want you to just think about that and think about the fact that you can't just run away from any sort of conflict forever. You can't just always agree with other people because you don't want to hurt their feelings. And if you're avoiding certain discussions or avoiding setting boundaries, you're just prolonging the inevitable and you're also probably going to see the same patterns and same issues come up over and over again, no matter who you're dating.
Speaker 1:So let's talk about healthy boundaries real quick and, like I said at the beginning, if you are someone who feels like you have healthy boundaries, you have a healthy relationship with setting boundaries. That is awesome and maybe you should teach a class on it, because I feel like a lot of us really struggle with it. But some examples of healthy boundaries are being clear about your values, listening to your own opinion, sharing with others in an appropriate way, having a healthy vulnerability with people who've earned your trust, being comfortable saying no, being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally, and a few examples are saying no without apologizing, supporting people when it's appropriate and when doing so will not cause you any harm. So, really, like a lot of the themes in these episodes, healthy boundaries is a way for you to have good self care, self love and to really have healthy relationships with other people. I think having healthy relationships requires having healthy boundaries and vice versa.
Speaker 1:I feel like I could do a lot of episodes on boundaries. I'm sure I will do more in the future and dive into kind of specific areas of boundaries or specific types of relationships and boundaries. So definitely let me know if you have any questions or any specific issues or things that come up for you personally around boundaries. I would love to hear about them. As always, you can DM me on Instagram or send me an email, and I'd love to hear from you.
Speaker 1:I hope this episode was helpful. Again, don't feel any shame if you feel like you struggle with boundaries. I definitely do as well. It's one of those things that's like it takes a long time to relearn old habits, and so if you've been going your whole life with weak boundaries or just not setting boundaries at all, it's not going to happen overnight, right, but you can hopefully, you know, have hope and faith that you will be able to learn healthy boundaries. Thanks for listening to the Situation Ship to Soulmate podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone you think would enjoy it, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast so it can reach other people who need it. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Situation Ship to Soulmate and feel free to shoot me an email at Situation Ship to Soulmate at gmailcom. See you next time.
