Situationship to Soulmate
This podcast is for YOU if: You're feeling stuck in the cycle of hurtful and harmful dating and intimacy experiences. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, you just can't stop making the same mistakes over and over again in your romantic relationships. If you are over "hookup culture" and "situationships", but seem to still attract people who can only give you that level of commitment. If all the people you date and sleep with have one thing in common: they inevitably leave you feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.
Situationship to Soulmate
How Alcohol Impacts Dating in your 20s w/ sober content creator Julia Reyes
Have you ever considered how alcohol affects your dating experiences? Join me as I sit down with Julia, @that1soberfriend on TikTok and Instagram, for a revealing conversation on navigating dating and drinking in your 20s.
We get honest about how we used to rely on alcohol to mask insecurities and lack of confidence, and how this habit can steer us towards wasted time, energy, and missed red flags. Hear our personal stories of how alcohol played a role in preventing us from being our unfiltered selves and finding authentic connections for many years. We challenge the notion that first dates should be alcohol-centric, and instead suggest a shift towards discovering chemistry, connection, and intimacy with a completely clear mind. We underline the significance of embracing awkwardness and discomfort in dating, and that feeling awkward on a first date is completely normal and doesn't have to be avoided. We question the idea of using alcohol as a confidence booster, and shed light on how this can actually be a sign of insecurity. The episode concludes with a contemplation on dating and sobriety, championing the idea that stepping out of our comfort zones can open doors to authentic relationships and personal growth. Tune in for an enlightening dialogue that promises to redefine your perspective on the connection between dating and alcohol.
Follow Julia @that1soberfriend on TikTok and Instagram
Listen to Julia's podcast: "The Young, Fun, And Sober Podcast"
Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @shamelesslyshelly + @situationshiptosoulmate
How many times did I wake up the next day from a first date the previous night or just a party where I'd met some guy that I thought was cute and me thinking I really wish I didn't even drink in the first place? Like I was thinking it was gonna give me this type of like super power, slash this free pass to feel more confident in the moment, and it ended up backfiring. ["soulmate Podcast"].
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Situation Ship to Soulmate podcast, your guide to navigating the complicated world of dating and sex in your 20s. I'm your host, shelly, content creator, mental health counseling graduate student and a trained sex and relationship coach. After going through a lot of traumatic, unhealthy and toxic experiences throughout my 20s, I'm finally ready to use what I've learned over the years to help those of you who are still experiencing it. I went from situationships, bad hookups and settling for less than I deserved to finding my soulmate, all within one year. Let's help you get there too. Today's episode is really exciting because I have a guest with me. I have Julia here. She is known as that one sober friend on TikTok and Instagram and yeah, we kind of I guess we originally met through kind of an online community for alcohol-free people and yeah, I feel like we I noticed that you were on TikTok and I was on TikTok so kind of just started following each other and yeah, I've always loved your content, so let's go out that we've connected.
Speaker 1:Yes, and I'll always remember the first time that I had like a video do pretty well, you were on the front lines for me defending me in the comments, which I was like Shelly is down for me, so I have always really appreciated that because in that moment I really needed the support. So thank you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, of course I'd had a few of those moments myself where I was like, okay, tiktok is, you know, as we both know. Now it can be really fun, but then it can also be like just so many. You just never know who's gonna see the video. And yeah, obviously with stuff around alcohol, people have a lot of opinions. So, yeah, I was like, okay, I want to let her know that it's A it's like normal to have some backlash or some like negative comments. But also I was like, okay, I remember how that felt for me when I had like my first video. That blew up and I was like, oh my gosh, why is everyone, you know, being so mean and annoying? So, yeah, it's been nice to be able to support each other in that way.
Speaker 1:It's almost like when a video, when you're talking about the things that we talk about, which are you know more, they're not surface level Like these, are more like deep conversations and topics and concepts. It's typical that a video is doing well, because we may have some people not agreeing with the things that we're talking about and as much as like that was sort of a blessing, because it was I was able to get my message to more people than ever before. It was also still rough getting so many opinions from so many people who don't know me, but they had something to say. So interesting experience to live through, to say the least.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely yeah. And then I loved how you kind of went from that to like deciding to start your own podcast with your friend. Do you wanna talk a little bit about like how you kind of came up with that idea to do the podcast? And, if it was, if you had any fears around like kind of what you're talking about of like okay, obviously a podcast is a little bit different than TikTok, where usually people are like purposefully going to listen to your content versus it just popping up on the For you page. But did you have any fears around like starting a podcast, around sobriety, and or were you kind of just like okay, I've found people that have followed me on TikTok that clearly really love my content, so I'm kind of making this for them more.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think I felt more comfortable with the podcast sort of platform because I knew it was going to be folks that were coming from a place of interest to begin with, versus, yeah, just happened to fall upon someone's For you page and then them having an opinion on you know whatever I'm talking about. I like the podcast structure because it is longer form, whereas I feel like with TikTok I am sort of having to cut my ideas or my thoughts, my points of view, short, and that is okay sometimes. But having the freedom to speak about things exactly how I want to, that's been really really nice and I think that's why we've kept the podcast alive as long as it's been. I think it's almost been a year now.
Speaker 2:So oh, wow, that's awesome. Yeah, your podcast is called Young Fun and Sober. Yes, the Young Fun and Sober podcast.
Speaker 1:So if anyone wants to check that out Every Tuesday, so you can check us over there on a weekly basis.
Speaker 2:Yeah, big fan over here, but but yeah, so I guess, for those of you listening, I wanted Julia to come on to kind of have a conversation around kind of the intersection, I guess, of like the two topics that our podcasts talk about, which is like dating and relationships and then like alcohol or being alcohol-free or sobriety. I kind of wanted to give a. I don't know if I need to do this, but I wanted to give a brief disclaimer at the beginning that, like Julia and I are both alcohol-free. But this episode is not trying to like convince anyone to become alcohol-free. We're not trying to obviously shame anyone or judge anyone who does still drink. I just think that the role that alcohol plays in dating is really interesting. I'm curious what your kind of early dating experiences were like, maybe before alcohol was involved, or if it was from the beginning. I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I would say that maybe in some people's opinion this is not gonna exactly line up, but I was sort of like a late bloomer I'm using quotes for people that are just listening on the late bloomer. When it comes to the whole world of like dating and interest in boys. Being, you know, a middle schooler, it really wasn't something that was gonna even like cross my mind until the summer going into freshman year. That was like the summer that we I've had the same group of girlfriends since I was in. We all started to meet each other around like first, second, third grade and these are still my best friends to this day. So we had just a very strong group of girls going and that's who I spent all of my social time with growing up. We didn't have a lot of interest in boys until that summer and that summer I was not drinking yet had never had a sip of alcohol. That summer was very like cute, see and innocent and like I had my first kiss that summer and it was like a truth or dare situation actually which is like so funny to think about now. But yeah, it was very just, innocent and it wasn't very complicated or anything. I think it wasn't until the second semester or like around winter break probably, and that's when I did drink for the first time.
Speaker 1:It didn't become like an every weekend thing at that point because I still did have like that main group of girlfriends and we had had so many years of friendship where alcohol wasn't even present. It didn't change that for a couple of years and, like junior and senior year started to roll around. Yeah, it kind of was becoming more of like an every weekend, every social event type of thing. It became kind of more of an expectation is that we're gonna hang out with like these people this weekend we're gonna be at a house party, there's gonna be drinking involved. Sad to say, I never really felt like it was an option to like not be participating in the drinking culture at that point.
Speaker 1:And then, honestly, like by the time I got to college, it was like even worse. And it wasn't just the weekends, it wasn't just Friday and Saturday, it was like thirsty Thursdays and wine Wednesdays and it was like every day of the week you could find an excuse to drink. And I would just say that the main word coming to mind is just like that's when things did start getting complicated and that's when a lot of arguing was starting to happen within my group of girlfriends. Emery's weren't clear and intentions weren't clear.
Speaker 1:And yeah, it's just like you know, you put a bunch of teenage kids in a house together and then there's drinking involved, like yeah, there's probably some bad things that are that are going to happen. So, yeah, I would just say that things started to get a little bit complicated at this point and it kind of would just like keep getting more complicated as as my life went on through college. And it wasn't until like my mid twenties that I kind of started to realize that alcohol was actually making my life a lot harder than it had to be. But I needed a few tough years of some tough lessons in order to even realize that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I feel like that's something that I know I can relate to I think a lot of people can too, especially kind of what you said around, like it was almost a just assumed that you would be drinking at these different social things, and I think, yeah, I just feel like that's very relatable, especially like, like you said, like going through high school and then especially in college, I was like even more of a late bloober than you. I would say like I, I really didn't drink at all in high school even, and then it was like college. So I kind of had, like your experience, the kind of described in high school, but mine was like a little bit later in college, yeah. So it was even more like I don't know.
Speaker 2:It felt very intense because I kind of went from like not drinking at all to like suddenly like oh, what you described, of like drinking every Thursday, friday, saturday at least, and then sometimes more, and yeah, kind of what you're saying too, of like just it just felt like, oh, this is what everyone does, especially in college. But I know a lot of people at my high school did and I just, for some reason, my group of friends in high school was just not really like. We didn't just didn't really go to a lot of parties or we just weren't really like in that group of people, I guess. But yeah, but I could definitely relate to that of like just almost like a feels like a slow progression. Then suddenly you're like, oh yeah, I'm in my mid twenties and like, just it just seems normal for me to be drinking all the time. But like, is this actually what I want to do?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's. It's become just so, so normalized and it it's so crazy that it does. It feeds into so many avenues of our life, so many more than than I think people give it credit for in the beginning, because it's not, you know, just a social thing with friends. It's like, yeah, it's also dating and relationship starting. How many times did I wake up the next day from a first date the previous night or just a party where I'd met you know some guy that I thought was cute and me thinking you know, I really, I really wish I didn't even drink in the first place, like I was thinking it was going to give me this type of like superpower slash, this free pass to feel more confident and in the moment. And it ended up backfiring more times than often and it was like I wish I kind of was just letting myself be my shy, timid self in the beginning and seeing if I actually connected with this person or not, versus trying to force it from the get go, if that makes sense, yeah.
Speaker 2:Now that totally makes sense. Yeah, I definitely relate to that. I feel like I was also definitely like using alcohol to like. I felt like I had a lot of social anxiety or a lot of anxiety around, yeah, like talking to boys or or going on a first date or something, and it was almost like, oh, alcohol feels like a it's very normalized, like you've said, of like you know, it's pretty. It feels normal to just to drink on a first date, or to drink when you're out at bars or a party and you're maybe meeting someone or talking to someone you have a crush on. It's like, oh, this feels like a normal thing.
Speaker 2:But then B like at the time I felt like, oh, alcohol helps me to be less awkward or be less kind of, like what you're saying, like be less timid or shy, and like now, yeah, now I look back and I'm like, oh, I really wasn't being myself or wasn't even letting people get to know who I really am. I was just like assuming that they wouldn't like me. So I was, yeah, using alcohol to feel more confident or more like outgoing or talkative, because I'm definitely someone who, like, sometimes when I meet people for the first time, I can be more quiet. And so it was like, okay, I want to make a good impression quote, unquote like at a party or something Like. So I want to use alcohol to try to appear more outgoing or more talkative, right, and then, yeah, definitely, like you said, I experienced it backfiring a lot.
Speaker 2:A lot of times we're just like yeah, I feel like when you know that those experiences of like like you said, like waking up the next day and being like, oh, I don't, like I think I was kind of embarrassing, or like I don't know if I should have said that or done that, or like like I may have actually ruined my chances with this person that I was, that I liked because of whatever you know. So it's like, yeah, definitely the backfiring and the like, oh, I'm drinking because I think that it'll help in these with like, flirting or dating or whatever, but then a lot of times it doesn't. But yeah, so I'm curious if you have any, and if you don't, it's cool. But do you have any like stories or experiences that come to mind that were like be like back on now that you're like oh, that was really either funny or cringy or embarrassing or something like having to do with kind of what we're talking about around, like drinking and and dating or flirting or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I would say like it's not as much one specific situation, but more of just this habit that I created, where first dates and alcohol were like one in the same. I could not have one without the other. And now, as a alcohol-free person, I have not drank in just under like a year and 10 months. I think I'm like a day or two away from that mark. That's awesome, thank you.
Speaker 1:I look back and I think how much time and energy I wasted on people that, because alcohol was involved, my intuition was turned off, my ability, my like, inhibitions were turned off, like all of these things that are that I've created in myself to protect me and to have me come off the most genuine and authentic way that I would like it to. All of those things go right out the window when alcohol is involved and it would result in a first date turning into, then a second date turning into, then a third date, and many weeks and months could be going by and then all of a sudden, just now, I'm realizing I don't have anything in common with this person. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't like this person at all.
Speaker 1:It was almost like us getting to know the drunk versions of ourself came first and then us getting to know the sober versions of ourself came later. And in my opinion, I think that that's a really backwards way of thinking and it's not the way that I approach dating at all anymore. I get how nerve wracking it is. Nerve wracking I always say that wrong wracking it is to go into a first date situation clear minded. There's nothing fogging your current reality. Yeah, that's scary, of course it is. But it's even scarier is going into situations where I'm not picking up on red flags or things that I don't agree with and I'm letting them slide. And it's just all this wasted time and energy that it's like.
Speaker 1:Why could have been using that time and energy to finding my real person who doesn't care that I'm shy in the beginning, doesn't care if I say something awkward, doesn't care that I'm not the most loud, outgoing, confident person in the room at first? I feel as though that's only human of me to take some time to warm up to people. I think that that's totally okay and I would rather walk away from a first date knowing you know, oh, maybe that moment was awkward. Oh, maybe that silence was a little bit long, but at least I know I was being myself. At the very least I know that I'm being myself.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I guess, just looking back and thinking about all that time that was wasted and how much energy and like stress I would put on myself to be liked, and it's like I wasn't worrying about at all, do I like this person? It was like that wasn't important to me for many, many years of my life. And a first date in so many ways is sort of like an interview, if you think about it. You're really trying to get to know one another, to see if you have any type of chemistry or connection or if there is possibility for, like some intimacy there. And instead, well, of course I was having a good time. I was, you know, for lack of a better word poisoning myself to the point of tricking my brain into thinking I was having a good time or having a connection with this person, and whether that's true or not, we'll we'll never really know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that's so true. Yeah, I like how you said, like the part about wasting a lot of time and energy, and I think, yeah, it's funny, because when I look back on it I'm like I think one thing that I would think a lot would be like I would feel kind of frustrated or feel like I wasted my time if I would go on a date, like go on a first date, and then I'd be like, oh, I don't really think that we're a good fit. It's kind of like that, almost like disappointing feeling. But it's also like I almost would think like, oh, I wasted my time by even going on that date. If it was, obviously we weren't a good match. But at the same time, I would often do what you were describing too, of like if I'd go on a first date and we'd be drinking, then I would. I would be more likely to kind of to like go on a second or a third date or like to keep dating the person, like you said, like long term, and then it's like wait a second, then I'm wasting way more time than I would have if I run.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's so funny that I'm like, oh, I would think of like going on dates that didn't go well, as a waste of time. But really it's like no, actually you'd rather yeah, wouldn't you rather like no, right away, that they're not the right. When you're on your first drink and you're like, okay, within like 15 minutes you're kind of like I can kind of tell this is not gonna. You know, I'm not gonna date this person. Like maybe they're fine, but it's just like you just have that feeling and like, like you said, like intuition too. It's like your intuition is kind of telling you like, okay, this is probably not a good fit, but I don't know, I would have the experience where I would be like, if they were like, oh, do you want to get another drink?
Speaker 2:It's like okay, and then you, you keep drinking and then, as the night goes on, suddenly you're like, oh, now maybe I'm feeling like I do like him, but really it's like, yeah, like you said too, it's like a substance. Yeah, it's like it's not. It's like, wait, if I, if I knew in the first, you know, I would be able to exactly kiss the other person in the freakin' pinky. Now, like you said, would you like, can there be where you guys can please kill me if I killed you. I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah, and yeah, I didn't feel like, even though I really liked him, I liked you too, so now that I'm totally hooked on you.
Speaker 1:As far as when I was coming to the actual video, I wasn't really into this, but it's pretty realistic I was kind ofvision is that I didn't feel like you were actually meeting this person too Like I was. I wasn't really into the放 cons. No, I didn't. When you vibe with a person, that initial awkwardness goes away pretty fast. It's within, I would say, like the first yeah, 20 to 30 minutes. You get that date, john, a person of oh, I was really nervous, you know, 20 minutes ago when I was first walking in. But this person is making me feel comfortable and is making me laugh and is asking me questions about myself. So they're obviously interested in me. It's like all of those questions and worries and pressures they do naturally start to dwindle away. But we're so afraid of that initial uncomfortable feeling. It's like we're willing to do anything to not feel that. But, as we were just saying, it's like in the long run we end up paying some type of price of wasted time or wasted energy. So I would rather just rip the band-aid off from the get-go and just see. You know, me and the stranger. Let's sit in this uncomfortable feeling together and let's see where it ends up. Let's see where it's supposed to end up. Are we supposed to keep seeing each other? Are we not supposed to keep seeing each other, yeah, and I think that people are just really, really afraid of that sensation within them.
Speaker 1:Another thing that I wanted to bring up too was, at the end of the day, I feel like it all just comes down to confidence and wanting to come off as confident. And so many times I mean I remember in high school we had the tagline of like liquid courage, like, oh, you're afraid to do something, oh, you're afraid to go up and talk to that person, take a shot, you know you'll get that liquid courage, you'll feel like you're able to do it. And relating it back to me being so afraid is coming off as this like then timid person. Maybe that's being interpreted as like insecure or something like that. Since I started, because I've been an alcohol-free person for so long, I'm kind of realizing that the opposite is true. It was like me drinking was showing how insecure I really was in the person that I am, whereas me, going into a situation knowing damn well like, oh, there are going to be awkward silences, there are going to be, you know, points in the conversation where I don't know what to say.
Speaker 1:I'm confident enough now to know that doesn't make me any less of a good person than I am. That doesn't make me any less interesting than I know that I am. It's just the pure fact of, like we are two human beings that don't know each other. Yet that is what happens. It's only natural Also having the like, maybe least, like less amount of awkward silences, and that chemistry is like, naturally building and you can really feel it. That should be your green flag of knowing, like, maybe this is my person. Yeah, you know, I really, I really like them. They make me feel like I can be who I am. Yeah, at a very authentic and raw level. Yeah, so yeah, it's. It took me so many years to realize that, though I didn't, I was not getting that for a long time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're definitely not alone. Yeah, it's almost like a desire for like perfection or something to think of like, oh, I want it. Yeah, like I want there to not be any awkward silences because, yeah, like you said, it's like well, whether it's with French, like meeting a new friend, or like a networking event or job, job interview, like all of those things, it's like okay, even if it's a great job interview, for example, and like you end up getting the job. Like when you look back on the interview, it's probably not going to be like oh, I didn't have a single like moment where maybe I could have answered that question differently. Or like, oh, maybe there there was a pause, or like it felt I felt awkward in the beginning, but then later it felt better, like I don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was just thinking about that with like, almost like perfectionism. I've been like we're trying to work on that with myself a lot lately and I think, like, like you said, I didn't see in the moment, but looking back, I'm like, oh, yeah, I was trying to make all of these things around dating and friendships and whatever, like striving for this perfect like situation, which is, yeah, like you said, like not even not even realistic.
Speaker 1:It's like news flash life isn't perfect. Yeah, that would be, that would, if we haven't realized that now I don't know when, when we know life is supposed to have bumps and hurdles and it's supposed to be messy and that's. That's the human experience. And we're trying to cheat that with alcohol and dating. I think we're trying to cheat our way through those situations and I just feel like in the long run, that's just hindering us and it's it's really doing ourselves a disservice. And, instead of running from that uncomfortable feeling, I really would encourage people to lean into it, because I think you're going to learn. You're going to learn a lot about yourself and about the other person.
Speaker 2:I totally agree with you. It's like okay once you kind of learn, like it's okay to just lean into it and to just accept. Yeah, it's almost like acceptance, like, like you said, like this is just life, this is, it's going to happen. It's almost inevitable that you're going to go on a first date and there might, even if it is like your soulmate, like there's going to still be moments maybe where you're like, oh, that felt weird or awkward or like, oh, I wish I hadn't said that, whether or not you're drinking. So it's like might as well, just, yeah, try to show up and be yourself.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I was thinking of, one of my friends is getting married in October and we had her bachelorette party and she was kind of we're talking about like their early dating and stuff, and she was like, yeah, he was actually the first person that I ever went on a first date with where we didn't drink. They went on it, they went out, like it was in the winter time and so they just went to this like cute coffee shop and got like a hot chocolate and sat and talked and yeah, it was really sweet. I don't know, I was like, when she was talking about that, I was like yeah, I think she's right. Like it is kind of rare to actually, if you are someone who still drinks to like go on a first date where it's not revolved around alcohol. And yeah, she kind of just talked about kind of what you were saying, of like they just really got to talk and get to know each other. And she was like, like she brought that up on her own, of like that is one thing that I really loved about.
Speaker 2:Like when we first started to get to know each other was like, oh yeah, our first date was totally sober and like, but we still had a great time. And yeah, like you're saying too, it was like obviously the conversation must have flown really well and it must have been good. And you know, because and now they're getting married, so it's like I don't know, it's just it's cool to like hear those stories where it's like when people, yeah, when people realize like, oh yeah, actually a first date can be really great without alcohol, like, but it's just this like, like that's an option too. Yeah, exactly Like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like, even if, if you know you still are someone who drinks, or your partner drinks, or whatever, it's like you could still choose to have a sober for a state, just to try it out and get to know the person. And and yeah, especially if you're someone who's kind of yeah, maybe relating to some of what we're talking about too of like not always liking how you feel when you're drinking or feeling like you maybe aren't being your true self on a date like even just yeah, just try it out, like suggest you know, I don't know like if you're on dating apps or something and just to date with the person that is not revolving around alcohol and like even just as an experiment, how lazy.
Speaker 1:Have we gotten to just assuming let's go get a drink? That's always the default. Yeah, it's like, let's kind of challenge ourselves a little bit. Let's think outside the box. You know, what other interests do you have besides drinking? The same old, same old hamster wheel of going on going, just going to a bar?
Speaker 1:It's like, if you are not in the type of relationship that you want to be and you're seeking this really like true and authentic and long term connection, maybe you have to start looking in a different place, because apparently, the place that you've been looking, it's not there. So let's, you know, let's challenge ourselves, let's mix it up a little bit, let's try something different, because at the end of the day, I just feel like it's worth a shot. Right, I mean, the worst that can happen is like yeah, it didn't work out, oh, I never want to do that again. And then we, you know, try something new. I just feel like that's at least better than feeling stuck and in this cycle of like kind of having these same bad first days, it's like well then, let's, let's do something about it, let's change it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's funny how it's so like our experiences with alcohol and like realizing like, oh, I could just choose to not drink anymore.
Speaker 2:Like I feel like it is similar to what you're talking about too, of like, okay, if you're someone who's been doing kind of the same things or repeating these same patterns in dating and it's not working for you, like whether that is like you're, you use dating apps and you feel like that's just not working for you, or like you know whatever else, like yeah, you keep going on for estates that are like very drinking focused or going to bars or whatever. I think it's really easy to kind of almost blame it on. Like, oh, I'm like you know, when you're not happy with your dating life, you're like, oh, I'm just having really bad luck. Or like, oh, it's kind of blame me, the other person or the other, or the people you're dating, which, yes, obviously sometimes like there are a lot of shitty people out there or maybe it is their fault. But then, yeah, it's like what you're saying, it's like why it doesn't hurt to try something new and to be like exactly. Oh, maybe the problem is actually that I'm, yeah, like looking in the wrong places.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm, I'm in control of the environments that I put myself in and the people that I surround myself with, and if what's not working right now is obviously not working, you know, it's like let's, let's look outside of those environments and those groups of friends, and it's just. I think, instead of us looking at it from like an anxious point of view of like I, being outside of my comfort zone is something that's obviously going to make me uncomfortable, I would really encourage people to instead look at it from a lens of like I'm just curious, I just like I have this curiosity. I just want to like see, just getting into the habit of like, if you don't like something, realizing that you have a choice to change it and you have power to change it if you want to. It doesn't mean it's not going to be scary, but you have to realize, like the, the power that you have in your future, and so I would encourage people to explore that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like it's. It's really easy to feel powerless or to feel like anxious, like you said, or to just focus on that control. Yeah, and that is like a really scary feeling. Nobody likes to feel like they have no control over it, and I think that is almost kind of how a lot of people feel when they're like, oh, I just like I've been dating for so long, I just still haven't met the right person, or I just keep like having these negative experiences and stuff. But it's like, yeah, what you're saying, like you actually do have control over it, and even if what you have control over is just like, yeah, like you said, like just try something different.
Speaker 1:And even if that doesn't work, it's like, okay, well, it's still better than just doing the same thing over and over again, and even though you know that's not, working, like you're getting in the habit of, like I can put myself in uncomfortable situations and I'm not going to explode, yeah, like you walked out of that situation, just fine. And the more that we get into that habit of like, like leaning into the uncomfortable feeling, I just, I just find that that's where, like, the magic happens and that's where, like you realize, like man, I do, I, I that was really scary thing and I thought that was going to be really hard but I did it anyways. That's where I think, like true self confidence comes from is realizing, like man, I thought I couldn't do that but I just did it. So, obviously, like I have more within me than I even thought. And how cool is that to explore that depth within yourself.
Speaker 2:And yeah, so do you have any advice for anyone who might be listening who's feeling like maybe they do want to try out going on some dates alcohol-free, or maybe they're just wanting to kind of think a little bit deeper about, like, how alcohol might be impacting their dating life. Do you have any advice or words of wisdom? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I would just say that first of all, like, if you are, if your main like desire right now is finding a genuine, true connection with another person, and that's something that you've wanted for a really long time I would encourage you to think about it, as you can enter the world of dating as a sober person and then not also have to like commit 100% to a sober lifestyle. I think that that sometimes can be a sensitive topic of conversation within, like the online sober community, but I, in my opinion, it doesn't always have to be like all or nothing, and if we're realizing that you know I don't like the people that I've been meeting on dating apps or I don't like the people that I spend my weekends with just realizing that maybe taking alcohol out of the equation could open your eyes to this like whole new reality. That is very much so. It's right there for you. You just have to choose it. It is always a possibility and it's always an option to you, as long as you're willing to put in the work and seeking it out.
Speaker 1:And it's going to feel weird. Just because it feels uncomfortable doesn't mean that it's wrong. You know what I mean, and a lot of the times I feel like we mistaken comfort for right and discomfort for wrong and I would just encourage people to see it more as this is uncomfortable. But I'm going to do it anyways because I feel like I do deserve a genuine connection with somebody, and even if it is me putting myself in an uncomfortable situation like your friend, what happened with her and her now like fiance? Yeah, Obviously it was really really worth it. So I'm hoping that people can see beyond just the surface level first date discomfort and realize that it might be the start of something really beautiful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. We do tend to think of, like you said, like discomfort is bad and feeling comfortable is good, and sometimes the opposite is true. Yeah, yeah, Like. Sometimes it's like, oh, maybe you're feeling uncomfortable because it's like maybe you're having a really yeah, vulnerable conversation with someone, but that's actually good because you're getting to know each other really well. Maybe you're not used to that with you know, like you're used to more surface level talks or something, but yeah, that's a really good point.
Speaker 2:And I also liked what you said about you can choose to like go on a date or go or try dating sober, and that doesn't have to mean that you're going to that.
Speaker 2:You're saying you're going to be sober for the rest of your life. A lot of people do like a dry month or something like take a month off drinking and just experience going on dates or meeting new friends or whatever it is, While not drinking, like you know, just like, like we said earlier, like it doesn't hurt to just give it a try and even if you you know if that helps you to be like, oh, I'm just taking a month off and while I'm taking a month off from drinking, I'm going to practice, Like you said like practice going on dates, sober and just see. Like you know, see how it feels and like I don't know. I feel like that was. I think that was kind of what both you and I did of like taking a month off drinking and then being like actually, I like this, I'm going to keep going, so you never know what might happen. But yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And also, like, I love the way that you phrase that. Yeah, maybe it is that you're just going to try like a 30 day challenge or something like that and you committing to that challenge. Is you going on some first dates without it involving alcohol? Plus, I think that it's a good like first like test with the other person, just to see, like, do they have it in them to think of another idea. If it is something that you're looking for in a partner of like I want them to put effort into this relationship. I want them to make me feel special. Are they doing that from the get go? Are they doing that at step one, or are they taking you know the easy way? And then how does that reflect how they're going to be handling the rest of the relationship? You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:We yeah, we oftentimes want to see what we want to see in people versus what they're actually showing us. Yeah, I know that feeling of like you seeing a cute guy on a dating app and you just really wanting it to like work out. But you having like that sort of like self, like pride and self confidence in yourself is knowing you know I am an interesting and fun and worthy and deserving person. That is like surface level. That is just like that is the foundation. Yeah, let's go into this date seeing if this person matches that energy and is going to give me the things that I want.
Speaker 1:And yeah, I just think that right off the bat, if their only only idea is going to get a drink, I just don't know how good of a sign that is. Yeah, maybe, maybe that's so true. And also maybe even communicating which I know that you know this can be really scary, but communicating, you know a break from alcohol and seeing how that person reacts to that type of thing If that's something that, like super, makes them like really uncomfortable, they can't even imagine a first date without alcohol. It's like let's listen to what the person is telling us and let's we don't have to judge them for it. It's just information. We're just collecting information on the situation and if that's not, you know the vibe or the yeah, I guess, like the vibe that you're looking for, maybe it's worth giving somebody else a chance instead.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, that's so well said. Yeah, I agree, it's like. It's such a good test of like okay, are they someone who's going to put an effort? And yeah, like, even whether or not you're someone who wants, who drinks or wants to keep drinking, like, why would you want to? Yeah, like, why would you want to date someone, are you?
Speaker 1:going to go the extra mile or are you going to get the easy way out every?
Speaker 2:time? Yeah, yeah, exactly yeah. Are they someone who just has one bar that they always recommend that they go on every first date at that same place? It's like okay, wouldn't you want someone who can think on their toes a little bit and be like okay, she's wanting to do something that's not drinking. What other idea could I come up with? Or like I don't know. When I was on dating apps, I always liked when people would say would suggest something, where it was like okay, clearly they're either reading what I said in my profile, or they're like thank you about the conversation, the messages we've had, and they're like oh, she mentioned she enjoys yoga and suggested going to a yoga class together, or whatever. It's like that shows, like you're saying that shows effort and like it's yeah, and I think that's a good sign in general that they're willing to put in more effort.
Speaker 1:Are they paying attention? Are they paying attention to what I'm telling you? Are you picking up on my interests and the way that I like to spend my free time? Yeah, I think it's a great way to see just the character of the person and goes back to kind of like our first concept of like. We all don't want to be wasting our time. We all don't want to be wasting our energy. We all want to be that much closer to finding our person. So just setting ourselves up for success with that from the beginning, I think, is just a really, really good starting place, and I'm hoping that people are just more open to that type of dating style, even though it's not necessarily the norm. I think as time goes on, it's going to become more of the norm slowly but surely. I feel like we're going in that direction and, yeah, I just think it's worth exploring.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely yeah. I love how I feel like a big theme of this episode has been like talking about, yeah, trying new things, getting out of your comfort zone, like building confidence around that kind of stuff, which I feel like is super important for dating in general. It's like like we said a lot like being willing to not just, yeah, being willing to try something new and not just keep doing the same thing you've been doing if you feel like it's not working. Yeah, so Exactly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if there are any listeners that you know want to see more content of normalizing an alcohol-free life, I have plenty of it over on my TikTok, my Instagram and then also the podcast. So you know us young people that don't drink, we exist, we are here, we are not a myth, we are very much so, alive and present and well, you just have to come find us. So, if you know, I think that's also a good first step is like seeing if sobriety is something that interests you. Seeing other people do it and, you know, do it well and do it first is going to give you a great idea of maybe seeing that for yourself in the future, so we can do hard things. And thank you so much for having me. I've very much so enjoyed this conversation and, yeah, just thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Aw, yeah, thank you for being here. It's been awesome talking to you. And yeah, like I said at the beginning, you can find Julia at that one sober friend on tiktok and Instagram and then her podcast is called the young, fun and sober podcast. So, yes, yeah, thank you, yay, thank you. Aw, that was awesome. Thanks for listening to the Situation Chip to Soulmate podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone you think would enjoy it, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast so it can reach other people who need it. Follow us on Instagram and tiktok at Situation Chip to Soulmate and feel free to shoot me an email at Situation Chip to Soulmate at gmailcom. See you next time.
