Situationship to Soulmate
This podcast is for YOU if: You're feeling stuck in the cycle of hurtful and harmful dating and intimacy experiences. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, you just can't stop making the same mistakes over and over again in your romantic relationships. If you are over "hookup culture" and "situationships", but seem to still attract people who can only give you that level of commitment. If all the people you date and sleep with have one thing in common: they inevitably leave you feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.
Situationship to Soulmate
Dating Apps: Tips for Navigating Online Dating
Are you scrolling through dating apps feeling frustrated, lost, or even hopeless? I've been there too. From my initial hesitance to dive into the app-based dating world to the frustrations that followed, I’ll be sharing it all in this episode. It wasn’t all swiping left, though - I’ve made genuine connections, including meeting a close friend through a dating app. But finding ways to represent myself authentically on the apps brought its fair share of frustrations.
In this episode I share my tips for making the most of your dating app experience, from figuring out what you're really looking for to displaying your authentic self, and even knowing when to take a step back and assess if it's all worth it.
Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @shamelesslyshelly + @situationshiptosoulmate
Welcome to the Situation to Soulmate podcast, your guide to navigating the complicated world of dating and sex in your 20s. I'm your host, shelley. Content creator, mental health counseling graduate student and a trained sex and relationship coach. After going through a lot of traumatic, unhealthy and toxic experiences throughout my 20s, I'm finally ready to use what I've learned over the years to help those of you who are still experiencing it. I went from situations, bad hookups and settling for less than I deserved to finding my soulmate, all within one year. Let's help you get there too.
Speaker 1:When I try to think back to when I first kind of started hearing about dating apps gaining popularity, I remember kind of thinking I don't really think I would ever do that. I just want to meet someone in person. I always had this very kind of romanticized idea of how I would meet someone and, funny enough, it ended up kind of coming true. I met my boyfriend in a very real world situation. We met through my sister basically and so I didn't end up or I did end up meeting someone organically and not through the apps. But I will admit that when I was younger I definitely had kind of a. I was almost like a little bit snobby about them. I think I was like, oh, dating apps work for some people, I guess, but I don't need to use them. I'm going to just meet my prince charming out at the ball somewhere.
Speaker 1:And I remember when I first tried at Tinder, I was doing an internship between my junior and senior year of college is the first time I actually dabbled in Tinder, but I ended up just using it for like a month during the summer and then being like this is kind of weird, I don't like this. But I was interning and a couple of the girls that were also interning at the same place as me they were not from Austin, we were in Austin, I grew up there, I would always go back there for the summers. And these two girls that I became friends with were not from Austin, but they had come to Austin for this specific internship, and so they were kind of trying to meet new people and they both were on Tinder and they were telling me about these dates that they're going on and they were like you should, you should try it, like just do it. And so I ended up getting it and I did end up going on a few dates and you know, none of them were terrible, like it was fine, but I think I definitely still had that idea in my mind of like I just don't really want to meet my person from an app, like I don't want to have to tell my parents that I you know that my boyfriend was someone I met on a dating app, which is like you know, who cares honestly. But that definitely is how I remember feeling that I was in a relationship at the end of college and then we continued dating for about a year after I graduated from college, and so obviously it was not on the apps during that time. But then when we broke up, I was like I'll give the apps another chance. You know, I don't know how else to meet people. Like, even though I grew up in Austin, you know, it's still kind of hard to like meet new people as an adult, even in the city that you grew up in. So I was like I'll give dating apps another shot, why not?
Speaker 1:And the best thing that ended up coming out of dating apps was I met, actually, one of my close friends. She and I had both been invited out on a quote unquote date, and we're gonna talk about this kind of the. You know the types of dates that I feel like people invite you on from dating apps, which is basically just like do you want to grab drinks? But she and I had both been invited out to you know drink with these guys and they were friends. So they were like in a group of friends and so she and I met that night and we ended up like not really liking the guys that we were on dates with, but we were like, hey, you're really cool, we should be friends, and so we did. We became friends, and so we like to always tell people that we met on a dating app and just confuse them for a second.
Speaker 1:I was basically on and off of the dating apps, kind of in this cycle that I think a lot of I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this. Like I would get on the apps for a couple of months, I would go on some dates and then I would get annoyed or like something wouldn't work out with someone or whatever, and then I would delete the app and I'd be like I'm just I don't want to use the apps anymore. But then a few months later or six months later, a year later, however long, I would end up getting back on them because, you know, it kind of felt like the first time I was on a dating app felt like there was no other way to meet people. And even though I had this like romanticized idea of how I would meet someone someday, I it didn't feel like it was really a reality. Because it was kind of like, okay, well, so far I haven't been meeting anyone, you know, organically in person, I I, you know, wasn't meeting anyone at work, I wasn't meeting anyone through mutual friends, like it was kind of like okay, I guess I got it, I just have to do dating app. Like that was kind of how it felt. It was just like I guess I just like have to do this because everyone does this and how else am I going to meet people? And I'm I'm lonely and I'm kind of bored, like whatever, I want to go on some dates, I want to meet some people.
Speaker 1:My main issue with dating apps was just my frustration with not being able to explain myself on an app. Like I just felt like I never knew how to encapsulate who I am and my personality and like my interests and everything into a bio. I still actually have problems with that on social media, even Like I. I feel like I changed my TikTok and Instagram bio once every week because I'm just like I don't know, does that sound good? Or like should I put this in there? Should I add this? Like I don't know how to describe myself, like I don't know. I just always had a lot of anxiety almost around how to even create a profile and write about myself on a dating app. Maybe that's ADHD in me, I don't know. I was just only doing an activity of figuring out what my core values in life are. I would definitely recommend it if you haven't done that before. It was really interesting to just think about, like, what do I value in life?
Speaker 1:And one of the values that I came up with was authenticity, and I think that was a big issue that I had with dating apps as well was like I didn't really feel like I could authentically be myself, or rather, I just I just yeah, I just couldn't figure out a way to be authentically me. I'm not saying that you can't be authentic on dating apps. I think obviously, some people are probably very authentic on dating apps. I just, like I said, like couldn't figure out how to present myself authentically. I feel like I just do better with that. When I'm like talking in person with someone or making a video or making a podcast like this, I think just being able to talk and communicate in that way has always helped me.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, I just felt overall like both my presentation of who I was felt inauthentic, but also a lot of what I was getting from other people felt inauthentic. You know, and I think some of that is just the nature of dating in general. I think even if you meet someone in the real world and go on a first date with them, they're obviously going to be putting their best foot forward, like you know, not telling you ever little dirty secret that they have. Like everyone kind of is slightly inauthentic when they first start dating, but I do think that dating apps kind of allow for potentially more inauthenticity, and that was something that really bugged me about it. I've always been someone that's ultimately looking for a deep connection with someone, looking for a serious relationship, and so I think I just really struggled with the ask because I felt like, even if someone presented themselves as wanting a relationship or seemed like, you know, even if it seemed like maybe we had some stuff in common, like it just felt harder for me to really weed out, like who is on this app because they just are bored or horny and who is on this app because they're actually looking for a relationship, and who's on this app saying they're looking for a relationship but really they're not? And again, like that's something that can definitely happen and has happened to me in person. Like I talked about my situations, like actually every single one of my situations were people that I met in person. So obviously, like people not wanting relationships, like they are in person too. But I just think that it's easier to waste your time and kind of spinning your wheels and trying to figure out if someone is wanting a relationship If you're just talking to them on an app or texting them. Or maybe you go on a date and you get drinks and you get drunk and you're like I don't know, that was fun, but like what is he actually looking for? But, with all that said, I do want to mention like I'm definitely not here to hate on dating apps One of the things that really bugs me that I feel like people do a lot like in our society today is make things very black and white or like all or nothing, or wanting things to either be good or bad.
Speaker 1:People want to label foods as good or bad. People want to know what the right kind of exercise to do is. They want to know the right kind of photos they should put on dating apps. Like, people want to have a clear picture of what is right and wrong, and I think the problem with that is that nothing is right or wrong, like for every single person, so dating apps aren't all good or all bad. Like, every single person in the world is not going to have either a great experience on dating apps or a horrible experience on dating apps. So I do kind of get annoyed sometimes when I feel like people are like dating apps are ruining, you know, are ruining dating for everyone. Or like dating apps are horrible, blah, whatever, and it's like okay, but there are people that meet their person and get married from dating apps. So if it worked for them, how can you say it's all bad, you know? But then, at the same time, there's people who get catfished or, you know, have horrible experiences from dating apps and they could very easily say that all dating apps are bad.
Speaker 1:There are a few tips that I have for you If you're on dating apps if you feel like that's the only way you know. If you either feel like that's the only way for you to meet someone or if you genuinely want to be on dating apps and you're like I love them. I love, you know, getting to meet so many different people and going on lots of dates and it's the easiest way to kind of do that. Whatever reason you have for being on dating apps, here are my tips as someone who basically failed at dating apps. So I guess take my advice with a grain of salt because, again, my boyfriend and I met in real life. So clearly I'm not a dating apps expert, but happily so. I kind of feel like I had this gut feeling that I wouldn't meet my person on dating apps, and I was right. So that's cool, I guess.
Speaker 1:So my first tip is figure out what you want from being on dating apps Like what is your goal and be really honest with yourself, kind of like I talked about in the situation ships episode. Are you actually open and available for a real committed relationship right now, or are you just someone who feels like you should be in a relationship or you would like to be in a relationship, but when you're really honest with yourself. You're like, actually I probably need more time to heal. Like, where are you right now and what are you both hoping and wishing to get out of dating apps? But also, what realistically do you think you can get out of dating apps right now? There's really no right answer Like there's no again. There's no good or bad. It's not like it's good to be on dating apps to find the love of your life and it's bad to be on dating apps to just meet new people or find hookups. Like whatever works for you is the right answer.
Speaker 1:But I think you just need to be really honest with yourself, because I know for myself I've always been a hopeless romantic. I've always been someone who's like I wanna meet someone, I wanna fall in love, I wanna get married, all that stuff. So whenever I'd get on dating apps, I would just kind of assume like, yeah, I'm obviously looking for a relationship, because that's what I ultimately want. But there were definitely times where I would just get on the apps more so, because I was just lonely or bored and I wasn't actually in a place where I, emotionally, could really be in a relationship. So I was almost kind of wasting both my time and other people's time that I was talking to on the apps, because I really wasn't even available. So, yeah, tip one figure out what you were wanting out of the dating apps and be really honest and realistic with yourself about that.
Speaker 1:Tip number two this kind of goes back to what I talked about earlier but be as authentic as possible. So, like I said, I feel like some aspects of dating apps kind of just are automatically not very authentic. Like, are you going to post your worst selfie as your photo? No, like, you obviously do wanna make a good impression. You want to post photos that make you feel good, make you feel confident, that you feel like, show you in the best light. Like that's all fine. But when I say authenticity, I mean more, like when you are actually having conversations with people and they're asking you what your interests are. They're asking you, like, what you're looking for.
Speaker 1:Whatever conversations you're having, in the messages of the app, don't just say what you think they want to hear. You know, like, if you are a hopeless romantic like I was, like I still am, if you are, like, wanting a relationship, don't just try to kind of suss out what they're wanting and then say whatever they're wanting. You know what I mean. Like if you're wanting a relationship, just say you're looking for a relationship. And if they say they're not looking for that, then be like okay, well, I wish you the best. Like sounds like we're maybe not aligned on what we want, but don't be like oh well, yeah, I mean actually like I don't really need to be in a relationship, like I could kind of go either way, but like whatever you know, like no know what you want. From that first tip, and then to authentically communicate that to people, I feel like authentic authenticity is like the word of the episode.
Speaker 1:My third tip is you know, after you've figured out what you're wanting, after you've tried to be authentic and show up for yourself on these apps, then you need to kind of do some reflection and some almost like analysis of how are things going. You know, I think sometimes we have a tendency to go too far in one of two extremes. Either we like try the dating app for a week and we feel like we don't have any good conversations, nobody asks us on a date, and we're just like screw this and we delete it, you know, and we give up too quickly. Or on the other side. Like we just feel like we're stuck on the apps and we almost get like addicted to them, or we're just like messaging people constantly and like checking it at work and then you know, somehow fitting like five different dates into one week and you know all this stuff where it's like, okay, those are both kind of extreme, like you don't have to be in one of those two camps, like you can kind of take a step back and be like Okay, what am I looking for? I'm looking for a relationship.
Speaker 1:How has that been going so far? Have I met people on this app that feel like they could be relationship worthy? Have I gone in dates that felt like, you know, have I gone in dates with people that feel like they could be a good match? And if yes, then it's like okay, like this feels like it's working. Maybe I should keep going, maybe I should, you know, focus on one of these guys that I've gone on a date with, that I kind of that. I kind of like more than the others.
Speaker 1:Or, you know, if you haven't, if you feel like you haven't really found someone that you really like, but you do feel like it's been going well overall, you know like, okay, maybe I'll, I'll keep swiping or I'll keep messaging people and see what happens. But if you feel like you've only been matching with or going on dates with people who are just not looking for relationships, they're just not aligning with what you're wanting, then I think it's fine to kind of just decide to take a break from the apps. Like I feel like there is such thing as like burning out on the apps and you don't have to force yourself to continue using them if it's not fun for you. It's actually kind of my fourth tip, I guess If you're not having fun, then don't do it. Like dating should be fun at the end of the day.
Speaker 1:Relationships, dating, sex, love, all that stuff is supposed to be a good part of our life. So if you are constantly feeling anxious, if you're constantly doubting yourself and feeling really self critical or like you feel like dating apps are just bringing out your low self esteem, like all this stuff, then maybe it's toxic and maybe you should not be on dating apps. But if you're someone who feels like you're really thriving on the apps, it's actually really helping you. It's like boosting your self esteem, it's making you feel good, you're going on a lot of fun dates. You're having fun, like you're having fun with it, then keep doing it, you know, but at the end of the day it's like, are you actually having fun with this? And if you're not, then it's not worth it, in my opinion.
Speaker 1:I feel like it's really easy to get stuck in this cycle of almost getting so anxious and worked up and like almost like getting really used to being in a heightened state of anxiety around dating, that we forget that again, dating is supposed to be fun. Like if you're not having fun, then why are you doing it? You know, and I think it's almost normalized. You know, this idea of like dating bringing up a lot of anxiety or insecurities, or like checking to see who he follows on Instagram, or you know, like just I feel like I see like TikTok videos all the time, just jokes about things that people do when they're dating a new person. Now, and I'm like that sounds really shitty, like why are you doing that? And that's not me blaming the person at all, because I think it's like part of our society has been like you have to date someone who posts you on his social media all the time and if he's not posting you, then like maybe he's cheating on you so you should look at his phone or you should look at who he's following, or you should do all these things. That's like no slow down, like is doing that actually gonna make you feel better? So I do think one of the problems with dating apps is it almost gets us addicted to that feeling of anxiety and stress and like it's almost like adrenaline. I think of, like when is the next person gonna message me? When am I gonna match with that one person that I saw that I really thought was cute? Or like is this person gonna text me again after our first date? Or blah, blah. Like there's like all of this anxiety that ends up building up around just dating. And again, dating is supposed to be fun. So if all you're feeling is anxiety and you're not feeling any of the happy, fun vibes, then maybe that's your sign that you should take a break from the apps.
Speaker 1:I hope you enjoyed this episode. This was fun to talk about. I feel like I could do a lot of different episodes about different aspects of dating apps, but I just wanted to kind of start it off with this overview, tell a little bit of my experiences with dating apps, talk about my tips, which I hope were helpful. And, yeah, again, I feel like there's so much we could dive into with this, so please feel free to message me on Instagram or email me at situationshiptosoulmatecom if you have any requests for things that you want me to talk about in an episode.
Speaker 1:I would also love to hear any crazy dating app experiences that you've had. Maybe, if you message me or email me your crazy dating app stories, I will include them in a future episode. I feel like that would be really fun. So, yeah, feel free to send those my way, and I'd love to also hear, like, your thoughts on dating apps, your feelings on how you feel about dating apps in general. And, yeah, thanks for listening. I'll see you in the next episode. Thanks for listening to the Situation Ship to Soulmate podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, feel free to send me an email at situationshiptosoulmatecom. See you next time.
