Situationship to Soulmate
This podcast is for YOU if: You're feeling stuck in the cycle of hurtful and harmful dating and intimacy experiences. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, you just can't stop making the same mistakes over and over again in your romantic relationships. If you are over "hookup culture" and "situationships", but seem to still attract people who can only give you that level of commitment. If all the people you date and sleep with have one thing in common: they inevitably leave you feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.
Situationship to Soulmate
Communication Is Key! How To Use Open, Honest Communication In Relationships
If you take one thing away from this episode, let it be this: PEOPLE CANNOT READ YOUR MIND!
Ever expect your partner to magically read your mind, only to be met with disappointment? You're not alone. Drawing from my personal experiences and advice from my own therapy sessions, this episode covers the importance of communication within relationships and why it's crucial to bravely express our feelings and needs, instead of expecting others to just know them. I talk about how fear of the other's reaction often causes us to hold back, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. I also explore how good communication forms the very foundation of a successful relationship, offering actionable steps to enhance your communication skills.
I share examples of effective and ineffective communication in relationships, and offer advice for how to have better communication in your dating life, whether it's a longterm relationship or a situationship. Learn how to acknowledge and express your feelings effectively, stand up for your needs and transform your relationships through the power of good communication.
Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @shamelesslyshelly + @situationshiptosoulmate
Welcome to the Situation to Soulmate podcast, your guide to navigating the complicated world of dating and sex in your 20s. I'm your host, shelly. Content creator, mental health counseling graduate student and a trained sex and relationship coach. After going through a lot of traumatic, unhealthy and toxic experiences throughout my 20s, I'm finally ready to use what I've learned over the years to help those of you who are still experiencing it. I went from situations, bad hookups and settling for less than I deserved to finding my soulmate, all within one year. Let's help you get there too.
Speaker 1:My therapist recently asked me why do you expect people to read your mind? And I was like, damn, that's a good one. I love my therapist because she is very blunt and she keeps it real with me and she will ask me questions like that. That really makes me realize, like you know, what she's right. I am expecting something that is not realistic right now, but I also think a lot of people do that right.
Speaker 1:I know I'm probably not the only person who sometimes doesn't communicate what I'm thinking or what I'm needing and is just expecting people to read my mind. I definitely used to do that a lot when I was younger. I think I've gotten a lot better about communication, but you know it's always a work in progress and the joke I always like to say is that I majored in communication, so you would think that I would be good at it. But you and I have issues with it sometimes, and when my therapist was digging into this with me around communication, I kind of got to the root of it, I think, which was like when I'm avoiding communicating about something or when I'm not saying something that I'm thinking or feeling, it typically is for one of two reasons, either one I'm worried about the other person's feelings, like I'm worried about hurting someone's feelings, I'm worried about upsetting someone, or I'm worried about how they are going to feel about me or how they, if they are going to, are going to judge me. So I'm worried about like will they be mad at me if I you know it kind of goes back to boundaries, almost too Like, will they be mad at me if I set this boundary? Will they be, you know? Will their feelings be heard if I communicate this thing that I want to say to them? So with all of that, really it's like I'm not really thinking about myself, right? I'm only thinking about the other person and ultimately it leads to more issues not communicating things than it would if you just communicated in the first place. How many times can I say the word communicate in this episode? But again, I know I'm not alone.
Speaker 1:I think it is kind of this basic human thing to worry about what other people think and to worry about how your words can affect other people, especially when the other person is someone that you really care about or love and, I think, when the thing that you want to communicate is something that could potentially lead to some sort of conflict or at the very least, it could lead to the other person feeling any sort of emotion that we might deem as negative even though there really are no negative emotions, but maybe we'll talk about that in a different episode. Whenever that's the case, I think people do tend to try to avoid communicating and they think that just not talking about it will be better than talking about it and potentially hurting the person's feelings or making them angry or causing a fight. But another thing the white therapist said to me recently was she was like you're kind of taking away the person's choice or you're making a choice for them when you're choosing to not communicate something with them because you're choosing to not give them a piece of information or choosing to not tell them how you're feeling, and you're basically deciding for them that they either shouldn't know that or don't deserve to know that, and that's not really fair. It's not really fair to make a choice for someone else. What's more fair is to tell them what you're thinking, tell them what you're feeling and let them choose for themselves how they feel about it. I think another reason why people avoid communication, especially in dating relationships or definitely situationships is a fear of what the other person is going to say and kind of almost trying to protect yourself from them potentially saying something that hurts your feelings or is not what you were hoping for them to say. So I know.
Speaker 1:For me, one example I can think of is I, pretty much all of the situationships that I've been in, have just avoided communicating my side of what I was feeling or what I was wanting out of the relationship. And looking back on it, I think I can see that I was just scared that the other person was going to say that they did not want a relationship, and of course, they ended up saying that anyway, but I think I was avoiding communicating that I wanted a relationship because I was scared of what their answer would be, instead of just confronting it and being like you know what, this is what I want. So I should just say it to them, regardless of what their response is. But I think that's another common thing that people do is like almost it's like a defense mechanism or it's a coping mechanism. It's like trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, but In the long run you are kind of causing yourself to get hurt because, like in the example I just gave, if I'm wanting a relationship and I'm not communicating that I want a relationship with the person, then I'm not going to get what I want because, like my therapist said, people can't read my mind. Like why am I expecting people to read my mind? Why did I go so many years just thinking like, oh well, I'm sure he can tell how much I like him, I'm sure he knows that I want to be in a relationship with him. Like instead of actually just communicating that you know, and then like waiting for the other person to communicate how they were feeling or what they were wanting out of the relationship first, instead of just me taking the initiative to communicate what I wanted.
Speaker 1:And then, I think, going back to this idea of not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings, like when the roles are reversed, I remember when I was in high school, for example, there were a few different situations where a guy had a crush on me and I didn't like him back, and there was one situation in particular where I went on a couple of dates with this guy and I knew he really liked me and I was kind of going back and forth on whether or not I liked him. But I think I kind of knew deep down that I didn't really like him as much as he liked me. But instead of just communicating that to him, I just was like I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I just continued to go on dates with him until I felt like, okay, this really isn't fair, I need to just tell him I'm not, I don't like him and I'm not interested in him, and I totally like blindsided him with that information because up until that point I hadn't said anything, I hadn't been communicating how I was feeling or where I was at, and so he thought that I was on the same page as him. So I think that was a really good example of, like how failure to communicate can really cause more harm, when you kind of are telling yourself like, oh, I'm not communicating this because I don't want to hurt the other person. Like I didn't want to hurt this guy's feelings because I knew he really liked me, so I didn't want to just straight up tell him that I didn't like him. But then me failing to tell him that, or me at least dragging it on and like waiting, waiting to tell him until we had already been on a bunch of dates that just made it worse. Like that just made it worse for him. So I don't really have the, I didn't really have the excuse to be like well, I was just trying to protect his feelings. It's like, well, you didn't, because you basically let him on and then he was even more upset when you ended up telling him you didn't like him. And like all of that you know not that it would have made it okay. Like he probably still would have been upset if I had just told him right off the bat that I didn't like him. But I would have at least been, you know, it would have at least been more upfront and wouldn't have wasted as much time on my end or his end.
Speaker 1:So the other area where I think communication comes into play is when you're in a relationship with someone and maybe there's something that's bothering you, something that they're doing or not doing, or something that you feel like you want to bring up to make the relationship better. And again, maybe you're avoiding it because you don't want to hurt their feelings or because you know, if it's, if it's something like a boundary or something that you're bringing up, you're scared that they will not honor that or that they will take take it the wrong way or that you won't get what you want. And the longer you wait to bring it up, the more resentment that builds, the more you're. You know you're going to just be feeling annoyed at them for not doing what you want them to do. And again, shout out to my therapist people cannot read your mind. So you can't just be expecting the person you're in a relationship with to like know what you want them to do if you haven't told them. And at the same time, I think if you have communicated how you're feeling in the past but you realize you're still feeling a certain way about it a few weeks later or a month later or however long. You also should communicate that and be upfront about how you're feeling.
Speaker 1:So in one of my past relationships I did something that upset my boyfriend and he, you know, told me he was over it, told me he forgave me all these things. And then when we ended up breaking up, like a few months after that had happened like it was at least three, maybe even six, no, I think it was like three months later he ended up telling me that he actually wasn't over that thing, that he said he was over and that he actually was still feeling angry about it and all these things, and he like still had resentment about it. And I remember I felt really annoyed because I was like why hadn't you communicated that to me? Like what you communicated to me was that you'd forgiven me and you weren't upset about it anymore. And then three months later, suddenly you're telling me you actually are still, or were still, upset about it, and that's like factoring into our breakup.
Speaker 1:And just in general in that relationship I felt like he did not do a good job of communicating how he was feeling and I just remember, after that relationship, thinking like the person I'm meant to be with will be a lot better at communicating and like. I deserve and I also need someone who will be honest with me and will communicate with me about how they're feeling, even if they're pissed at me, even if they're like annoyed at me or feeling resentful or feeling frustrated, like they will tell me that they won't just say that they're over it and then it turns out they're actually not over, like I'm sure I have been that person in relationships before too, where I'm like oh yeah, it's fine, don't worry about it. And then secretly I'm like I'm fuming, like I'm still angry about this, and you know they can't read my mind, so I need to tell them if I'm feeling that and when you think about it. All of this kind of stems from this idea of like not wanting yourself or others to feel negative feelings or to feel feelings that you deem as negative or feelings that feel uncomfortable, and I recently been learning more about nervous system regulation and somatic practice and kind of. One of the biggest ways to regulate your nervous system is to acknowledge how you're feeling. Your body wants you to recognize and acknowledge how it's feeling, like. If you are feeling angry about something, if you are feeling sad or ashamed, like you need to actually take a second to be like I recognize that I'm feeling this way. I am not going to try to stop myself from feeling this way. I'm not going to try to like bury this feeling or bottle it up, like I am just going to let myself feel this. And I think that's relevant to communication, because it's like you know, you kind of have to ask yourself sometimes, like am I avoiding communicating this because I don't want to have to feel the feelings that might come up, depending on how the other person reacts, or depending on how I end up feeling after talking about this thing that I want to talk about, or whatever it is like. Are you trying to like avoid these difficult feelings and, if so, is that actually helping you or is it making you and your relationship suffer in the long run? So, now that I've talked about, kind of some of the different reasons why we might avoid communicating, but also why we should communicate, you're probably wondering, okay, how do I communicate, though? Like, if I know that I am not the best at communicating in relationships or with people I'm dating, how do I improve that? So I've got some tips from you.
Speaker 1:I found this Forbes Health article, and it has these lists of good versus bad communication says. According to the experts, people exhibit good communication when they pay attention and listen while their partner speaks. Listen to understand rather than listen to respond. Validate their partner's thoughts and feelings, often by acknowledging and repeating back some of what was said. Ask questions, understand, even when their partner has different perspectives and opinions, and don't raise your voice. So those are some of the things you can do to be a good communicator. And then here are some of the things they said are examples of poor communication interrupting, acting in passive, aggressive ways, holding grudges, tiptoeing around each other, guessing or assuming their partner's feelings, sleeping problems under the rug rather than hashing them out, arguing repeatedly over the same subject, calling their partner names, making threats or raising your voice.
Speaker 1:So if you feel like communication has been an issue in your past relationships, either you feel like you weren't as good of a communicator as you could have been, or the other person wasn't, or maybe both. Maybe these lists that I just read off can be helpful for you. You can kind of listen to those items of things that makes someone a bad communicator and kind of think about like, okay, were any of those present in my past relationship? Or if you feel like your current relationship, if you're in one, could, you know, use some better communication. Maybe you can also use this and think about, like, am I or my partner doing any of these things, or are there things on that list of what makes good communication that we could be doing more of? I think it's really easy to just be like, to like, hear these broad things, like communication is key and like communication is so important in relationships, but it's kind of hard to figure out like okay, what does that actually mean? Like, and so hopefully hearing those examples of things that are good or bad communication is makes it a little bit more tangible to be able to be like okay, I do notice that I tend to hold grudges. I should try to work on that. Or like, I notice that I don't really listen when my partner is talking. I'm just thinking about what I need to say next instead of actually listening to what he's saying. Things like that can be really helpful, I think, to to kind of start to like, change your habits around communication.
Speaker 1:Another thing I want to touch on in this episode, which I know for myself, is sometimes a reason why I don't communicate things, and you know I already talked about like caring about the other person's feelings or your own feelings. But I think another reason why myself and hopefully some of you out there who can relate to this, don't always communicate is because we are kind of hoping that if we just don't talk about it then it will just go away or it won't be real, if that makes sense. Like I feel like sometimes there's this tendency to be like, just if I don't say something out loud or if I don't talk about something, then that means it's not actually a big deal or it's not actually reality, if that makes sense. It's like a form of avoidance, basically, and it kind of does go back to what I already touched on earlier of like being scared of what the other person is going to say or not wanting to get your feelings heard or not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings. But I also think that, like, sometimes it just feels like a lot of work, an effort to have a conversation about something or to communicate something, and it's a lot easier to just avoid it and just hope that it goes away. But I am here to tell you from my own personal experiences it does not go away If something is on your mind, if there's something that you know deep down you need to communicate to your partner, or if you're in a situation ship and you just know, like I want a relationship, I don't know if this person wants a relationship.
Speaker 1:I feel like this is not going to end well. I'll just avoid it, I'll just not say anything and I just hope. I'll just hope that, like, everything works out magically without me having to communicate. Yeah, that's not going to really work in your favor, trust me. It kind of just goes back to my therapist's famous quote from this episode people cannot read your mind. Why are you expecting people to read your mind, right? Like, why are you thinking that you can just not say anything or not communicate anything and the other person will just somehow figure out what you want? Like that would be great if that was the case. It would make our lives a lot easier if we never had to say what we wanted or ask for what we wanted, if we never had to set boundaries. But that is not how the world works.
Speaker 1:So I just feel like this whole communication thing goes a lot deeper than we might initially think it does, and I hope that you kind of resonated with some of these areas that I talked about around, maybe why you avoid communicating. Hopefully, you learned a few things about what good communication looks like, what bad communication looks like, and if I can leave you on any note, it will be that you do deserve to communicate your needs, you deserve to set boundaries, you deserve to tell someone how you're feeling, what you're thinking, what you're wanting from them. Both you and the other person deserve to have good communication and that really is key, even though it is over said, but yeah, it's over said because it's true. So if you want me to dig into any other, more specific areas of communicating maybe like conflict resolution or communicating things that are really difficult to talk about anything really feel free to reach out to me and let me know your requests for topics for future episodes, and remember, people cannot read your mind. So you got to communicate with me.
Speaker 1:If you want me to talk about something on the podcast, all right, I will talk to you all in the next episode. Thanks for listening to the Situation Chip to Soulmate podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone you think would enjoy it, and don't forget to subscribe, rate and review the podcast so it can reach other people who need it. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at Situation Chip to Soulmate and feel free to shoot me an email at Situation Chip to Soulmate at gmailcom. See you next time.
