Situationship to Soulmate

Codependent Relationships: How To Recognize Signs and Overcome Codependency in Dating

• Shelly Ray Crossland • Season 1 • Episode 13

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“Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker.' — Dr Exelburg, Verywellmind

Do you often feel you are giving more than your partner in relationships? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells, always being the one who apologizes first, feeling sorry for the other person even when they hurt you, or struggling to find time for yourself? These are all signs of a codependent relationship! In this episode, Shelly covers the definition of codependency, what research shows about the potential causes of it, and advice for overcoming codependent tendencies. 

We talk about how situationships are often inherently codependent, with one person being the "giver" and the other the "taker." Shelly talks about experiences she's had in past situationships that felt codependent in hindsight. 

Some of the key tips for overcoming codependency we cover in this episode include: 

  • Work on self-awareness and learning more about the patterns you have in relationships 
  • Become the president of your own fan club
  • Stand up for yourself and set boundaries 
  • Take steps towards separation and independence 

Articles referenced in this episode:

Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @shamelesslyshelly + @situationshiptosoulmate

Shelly:

Welcome to the Situation to Soulmate podcast, your guide to navigating the complicated world of dating and sex in your 20s. I'm your host, Shelly, content creator, mental health counseling graduate student and a trained sex and relationship coach. After going through a lot of traumatic, unhealthy and toxic experiences throughout my 20s, I'm finally ready to use what I've learned over the years to help those of you who are still experiencing it. I went from situationships, bad hookups and settling for less than I deserved to finding my soulmate, all within one year. Let's help you get there too. I'm going to be honest. I've been going through a period of just not feeling as motivated, a lot of procrastination, and I kind of let this podcast look to the side a little bit, but I really do always love when I record episodes. So today I was like you're just going to make it happen, come on. So, yeah, I'm very excited to be back recording another episode and I have a lot of ideas for more episodes coming up. So, yeah, we'll just work in through this phase of not feeling motivated.

Shelly:

For those of you that don't know, I am in grad school studying mental health counseling to become a therapist, and I am in an internship right now working at a sex and relationship therapy practice. I'm working mostly with one-on-one clients. Right now I also am co-leaving a group. That's been really, really amazing. But I think I've also realized that, you know, it's been an adjustment to get used to being in school and now working with clients. It's been so like such a great experience. But I think it also makes me a little bit overwhelmed. Sometimes it is it's more likely for me to kind of go into burnout. So I've been trying to be aware of that and realize like sometimes I'm going to go through a week where I just need more rest, I need more relaxing time, and maybe I'm not going to be as productive, and that's okay. You know, my boyfriend also has been out of town the past week, which is it's been interesting for me and it's kind of the topic that I want to talk about in this episode, which is around kind of like the idea of co-dependency. So I'll get into that soon.

Shelly:

But yeah, it's been interesting for me to realize that like I think something about having my boyfriend with me, like we live together. When he's here he really inspires me and like helps motivate me to do things, because he is such a like, such an inspiring and passionate person. He has so many projects that he's always working on. He just like really loves what he does, and so it kind of inspires me to also like work on things that I enjoy, like my podcast, you know. So I think this week that he's been out of town on a trip by himself, yeah, it's just been like an interesting realization for me that, like when he's not here, it feels like I have to try harder to be productive, and it's something I'm, you know, talking about with my own therapist and kind of, you know, just thinking about more of like. Why is that, you know? But I think I've also been trying to be nice to myself and be like okay, maybe something about him being out of town has caused you to just not be as productive this week, and that's okay. Like I wanted to just watch Love is Blind and watch the Bachelor, and you know that's okay. But yeah, if any other perfectionists are out there, I definitely want to do an episode about perfectionism, because I know that plays a role in it as well, as well as people with ADHD. If you have ADHD, I wonder if you experienced this, but for me, part of my ADHD is like I have a really hard time allowing myself to just rest, like I feel like I need to be productive all the time and then when I'm not productive, I feel really shitty about myself basically. So yeah, that's kind of what's been going on for me lately.

Shelly:

So during this week where I've been by myself at the house when my boyfriend's been gone, I started having this feeling or this thought around like am I codependent? Like is that why I am having such a hard time functioning while he's gone? And like there's a little bit of exaggeration. I've obviously still been. You know, I was pretty social this weekend. I hung out with friends to celebrate my birthday. So my birthday was last week. I helped a friend move because they're moving out of the state. So I went over and helped them move and hung out with them and their friends. I went shopping with my boyfriend's sister the other day. Like I've been doing stuff. You know, I think it just feels like it's been more difficult for me to do the things that I would normally do when my boyfriend's in town. So yeah, that kind of raised the question for me around codependency and I did a little bit of research because ADHD brain I'm like I need to learn everything there is about this and do a podcast episode about it.

Shelly:

So, according to Psychology Today, codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of the giver, sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, the taker. Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, providing love and support to both parties, whereas codependent relationships are one-sided, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver. So I didn't actually know this, but the term actually originally came from the substance abuse circles, so it was originally kind of used to talk about like this lopsided relationship between someone who is maybe struggling with substance use and then their partner who is trying to take care of them but who ends up kind of giving more than the other person or being in that caregiver role, whereas the other person is kind of just being cared for but not equally caring for the other person. I feel like codependency is a term that gets misused a lot. I feel like when people say codependent, they typically are referring to clinginess, neediness. I feel like our words that come to mind when I think of how people usually talk about codependency.

Shelly:

So it was really interesting for me to first of all see the actual definitions of it and be like oh, I think what I thought codependency was is not actually codependency and my boyfriend and I definitely are not in a codependent relationship. I feel like we both equally give and take. I feel like he really does take good care of me but I also take care of him. It feels very mutually beneficial. It does not feel lopsided, one-sided, you know, one of us being the caretaker, the other one not. So that kind of gave me some reassurance of like, okay, I don't think I'm in a codependent relationship.

Shelly:

But when I was reading this definition, I realized at least one of my past actually probably two of my past situationships that I've talked about in other episodes were definitely codependent and it really actually helped me to kind of read more about codependency and realize like, oh, that's like that was what was going on and that's why that that situation felt so bad for me, because I was in the role of caretaker and I didn't really feel like I was getting anything in return, either nothing in return or just like not what didn't feel equal. So, like a few of my situationships that I've talked about before, yeah, I felt like I was giving a lot of like emotional support. I almost felt like I was in the role of therapist, sometimes, like I was always there for that person to like text me or call me when they were having, you know, an anxiety attack or when they were like struggling with their substance use or with you know like whatever mental health issues. Like I was always there for them.

Shelly:

And I think it took me a while to realize that it was uneven, because I think that, like, if you're someone that has a tendency to be more codependent or to be more in that caretaker role, I mean it kind of goes along with like people pleasing, like you kind of feel like no, this is what I want to be doing, like I care about this person, I want to be helping them, I want to be there for them. And then it can take some time sometimes to realize like wait, this actually isn't healthy because, yes, it is healthy for me to want to care for the person I'm in a relationship with, but it's not healthy if they're not equally caring for me and if I feel like I am not getting the same benefits that I'm giving them. So the more I thought about it, the more I realized like situationships are kind of inherently codependent. One person does tend to be more invested in the relationship than the other one. One person does tend to be more like wanting a serious relationship and the other person does it, and so I think like there can be some codependency with that. So this Psychology Today article listed some like common signs of codependency and again when I was reading these I was like, oh, this totally sounds like the situationships that I've been in or situationships my friends have been in.

Shelly:

So they say that the giver tends to be overly responsible, making excuses for the taker. Givers are self-critical and often perfectionistic. Fixing or rescuing others makes them feel needed. They focus so much on pleasing others that they neglect their own wants and needs. Givers generally have low self-esteem, find it hard to set boundaries and be assertive. Takers are often struggling with serious issues such as emotional immaturity, mental health problems and addiction. So again, like I said, in most of my situationships I have felt like the person I was dating was struggling with some really big issues. In some cases it was around alcohol, pretty severe mental health issues. I was kind of in this role of like giving and feeling overly responsible for taking care of this person when that was kind of causing me to like neglect my own wants and needs or neglect my boundaries, not even state my boundaries, because I was so focused on trying to help this person and I didn't even realize, like the article said too, like I was struggling to ask for help when I needed it, I didn't know how to stop like people pleasing and neglecting myself and I did have really low self-esteem.

Shelly:

Another article that I found from Very Well Mind talks about some of the causes of codependency, which I thought was really interesting. So Dr Mark Mayfield, in this article he says foundationally it is due to poor concept of self and poor boundaries, including an inability to have an opinion or say no. Again, that kind of feels like very relevant to situationships, because if you're able to say no and you're able to have boundaries and you're someone who wants a serious, committed relationship, then you would not be in a situation ship because you would say, hey, here's my boundary, I want to either be in a committed relationship or we need to end things. So I think like situationships right off the bat kind of have this codependency aspect because one person is not feeling confident about themselves, they don't have a good sense of self, they don't have inner self-worth and confidence and they also don't know how to set boundaries.

Shelly:

Some of the research suggests that, psychologically, people who are codependent may be people who have some sort of predisposition to care for others. They may have had some sort of negative life experiences, like growing up with parents who did not model good boundaries or emotional regulation and or self-esteem things like that. They may have been someone who was a victim of neglect or emotional abuse in childhood. That often can lead to codependency. And then another one that they mentioned this article. That I thought was really interesting.

Shelly:

Society tends to view women as caretakers, right. So I think that it's easier for women to maybe slip into a codependent type of relationship because we almost feel like society expects us to be a caretaker, to be the giver in the relationship, and it can be really hard to realize like, oh wait, I actually don't have to be that, like I actually can have an equal relationship where my partner also is giving equally. I really love this quote from the article, which says co-dependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person who in turn needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as the giver, feels worthless unless they are needed by and making sacrifices for the enabler, otherwise known as the taker. So again, when you think about a situation, a lot of times people that end up in situations myself included like I very much was this person. They almost feel like they need to be needed, they need to be the one taking care of someone, otherwise they are not valuable or worthy. In general, like again, it says the giver feels worthless unless they are needed and unless they are making sacrifices for the other person. So you know, it can be really hard to get out of that mindset.

Shelly:

I know I struggled with that for most of my 20s. Like feeling like when I feel needed I feel like I am worthy, when I don't feel needed I don't feel that way and I had to realize like that's not how a healthy relationship should be. Like again, it should feel equal. You each need each other and not need in a way of like you can't survive without the other person, but that you both benefit each other and you both equally give each other things that help the other person, that make the other person feel cared for. If you haven't already, I would definitely recommend listening to my boundaries episode. They talk about how to set good boundaries in situations and relationships. I think that really is like a key part of making sure you're not in a codependent relationship.

Shelly:

But if you're wondering if maybe you're in a codependent relationship or a situation ship, or maybe you're kind of reflecting on past relationships and wondering if that was an example of codependency, this very well-mined article lists some signs that you might be in a codependent relationship. So the first one is you have a sense of walking on egg shells to avoid conflict with the other person. So you know the term walking on egg shells basically means like you feel like you have to say the right things, or you know I can't say certain things, or I have to say the right thing all the time, or I feel really careful about how my mood is or how I talk or how I act around this person. Otherwise they might get really upset at me. If you feel like you're often the person who apologizes, even if you don't feel like you've done anything wrong, if you feel sorry for the other person, even when they hurt you, like they've done something to hurt you, but you feel bad for them, you feel pity for them or sympathy for them, I definitely feel like both of those two things.

Shelly:

The apologizing lot and then feeling sorry for the other person is something that I experienced in all my situationships. Like I would feel so upset over something the person did and then next thing, I know I'm like, oh, but like I know he's really going through a hard time. And like, oh, I know he didn't mean it, or like I feel really sorry for him because I know he's really struggling with this or that, like I was like suddenly putting them in the victim role, even though I was the one who had been hurt or they were the one who had done something wrong. So that definitely is a potential sign of co-dependency. So a few more signs would be struggling to find any time for yourself, especially if your free time consistently goes to the other person. So if you feel like you really have no me time or no time to just do what you want to do and all of your free time goes to taking care of the other person.

Shelly:

So again with examples from my past situationships, I would be one situation I had where we were like long distance situationship. I'd be like having a good evening, like doing my own thing, watching TV or making a TikTok video or whatever, and then he would call me and suddenly the rest of my evening was talking him through his mental breakdown, and so that's an example of like my free time was often taken up texting him, talking on the phone, thinking about him. I literally would like do research for him of like things that he could try to make himself feel better. Like again, like, literally like I was his therapist. So you know, that's definitely a warning sign if you feel like you don't have any free time for yourself and then, kind of along those same lines, the last sign that they gave was feelings that you've lost a sense of yourself within the relationship. So, yeah, again like, if you feel like, oh, I used to have all these hobbies or I used to like spend my free time doing this and like, now I don't do that anymore suddenly because all my free time is spent with this person, that definitely could be a sign that you are in a codependent relationship. Okay, so if you're relating to this and you feel like you might currently be in a codependent relationship, here are some ways to overcome codependency.

Shelly:

The first step of the list in this article, which I totally agree with, is focusing on self awareness. You know they say this can be done on your own, but also it could be helpful to get to work with a therapist around this. I think just becoming more self aware, like that, really makes sense as the first step, because it's like you can't break out of codependency if you're not even aware that you're in it. Right, like you can't. You know, you have to be aware of the fact that, like, okay, I have a tendency to be a people pleaser or I have a tendency to be the giver in relationships. You know that self-awareness can really help you kind of take the first step of being like okay, I'm aware of this and I do want to try to break out of this pattern. So, again, you could, you could, if it's available to you, you could work with a therapist or a coach, or you can, you know, do a few of these other things that they recommend that you can kind of start working on by yourself.

Shelly:

So the first one they list, which I love, is become the president of your own fan club, learn to just start speaking lovingly and positively about yourself and resist the impulse to self-criticize. So self-love obviously is one of those things. That's like, you know, everyone talks about self-love. It's not so important self-love, self-love, but it really is important, I think, like, especially with codependency, where, like, like we talked about, it's like a big part of codependency is like focusing so much on the other person's needs and not focusing on your own. And I really think that does come from like not being your own, your own, the president of your own fan club, like not loving yourself, not reminding yourself like, hey, I deserve these things too. I'm an awesome person. I'm not. You know, like, the sooner you stop criticizing yourself, the better.

Shelly:

So the next step would be to take some small steps towards some separation in the relationship. So, if you are wanting to stay with this person that you're in a relationship with and you're wanting to make your relationship less codependent or not codependent anymore, yeah, you can start taking some steps, like like doing some activities outside of the relationship. Just try to make some new friends or, you know, focus on like, like, what are hobbies or interests of mine that maybe my partner doesn't share with me, but that doesn't mean that I can't still do it Right, like, I think you know, something I've realized from my relationship is we have very, very different interests. Like, my boyfriend is all about music. He's a musician. He's also a music historian, so he loves researching music. He loves traditional jazz music, which was a type of music that I had really never listened to before we started dating. Like you know, he a lot of history time is spent listening to music or performing, playing you know, playing with bands or researching music, and I think that's all awesome and I like love how passionate he is about it. But I'm not spending my time in the same way, and so I think, like if we were in a codependent relationship, I might feel like you know, I have to be doing the same things he is doing. Like I have to also be just as passionate about jazz music as he is, and that's just, it's A, it's not realistic and B, it actually isn't really healthy. Like it is actually very healthy to have your own, to have independence in a relationship and have your own personality and your own interests and goals. You know, like he is not interested in starting a podcast, or if he did start a podcast, it would be around like jazz music probably, you know so like, but he was still really encouraging of me starting this podcast because he knows that it's something that I enjoy. So you know, there will be times where, like I'm like I'm going to go record a podcast episode and he's you know I go into my office and record an episode while he's doing his own thing.

Shelly:

You know, or I think, what they say about like having activities and friendships outside of your relationship, like my boyfriend right now, like I mentioned in the beginning of the episode, my boyfriend is is on a vacation without me. You know, he went to New York City where we actually first started dating. We were both living in New York when we started dating and he he's on spring break right now. He's in law school and he decided to go to New York City for his spring break and you know, I thought about going with him, but there were a few reasons why I decided not to. One of them was having to do with my internship and just not wanting to take off time from the clients that I'm working with right now. But also, you know, we both kind of realized like, hey, I think it would actually be really fun for you to go on this trip by yourself.

Shelly:

And you know he's gotten to see so many of his friends, he's gotten to spend really quality time with his friends, which I think is so important because it's like I mean, you know he reminds me all the time. He'll be like, like when I'm like, oh, your friend or your friends, he's like, no, there are friends, like and I truly believe that and I really I really feel that, like a lot of, like my close friends have become his friends and his friends have become my friends, but at the same time, it's really healthy for him to still spend time with his friends without me. Like, as much as I love his friends and love spending time with them, it's also totally normal and healthy for us to spend time with our friends without each other. You know, I think it's good to have that like healthy balance, like I think it's definitely a red flag if your partner doesn't make an effort to become friends with your friends or to at least like be friendly and like get to know your friends. But I also think it can be a red flag if, like, the two of you can never do anything without each other, you know. So, yeah, like I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I was feeling kind of sad that he was gone. I'm like I do miss him because I love him and we live together, so I'm used to just being around him all the time, but in this week, since he's been gone, like I said, I went out to dinner with two of my friends.

Shelly:

We had a girls night. You know, they're both in relationship. One of them is married, one of them is in a long term relationship and they were, you know. The three of us got together, just three of us, you know, whereas there's times where we will do like a double date or a triple date and all hang out with our partners as well, but like it felt really good to have a girls night and just hang out with just my friends, without our partners, you know. So I think that, like, if you feel like you're in a codependent relationship and you don't necessarily want to end this relationship, but you're wanting it to feel less codependent, I would definitely recommend trying to have some both alone time, like time where you just spend doing your own thing, and then also time where you each spend time with your friends without each other, you know, or maybe you go out and make an effort to make new friends too. So I hope this was helpful.

Shelly:

I really enjoyed learning more about codependency, so I hope that you all enjoyed it as well. And, yeah, like I said, I would really recommend you go back and listen to my episode on boundaries, because I feel like one of the best tips for getting out of a codependent relationship is learning how to know your boundaries, set your boundaries, communicate boundaries with the person you're with. So, yeah, definitely check out that episode. And I am personally very proud of myself for recording this episode today because, like I said, I've been having a hard time feeling motivated to record, but this topic felt really relevant because again I've had a week without my boyfriend and just been thinking about kind of the idea of independence and relationships versus codependency. So, yeah, I hope you all enjoyed this episode and I am making a commitment and a promise to myself and to all of you listening that I will start uploading episodes more regularly from now on. So I will talk to you all in the next episode and I will see you all next time.

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Shelly Ray Crossland

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