Situationship to Soulmate
This podcast is for YOU if: You're feeling stuck in the cycle of hurtful and harmful dating and intimacy experiences. If you feel like no matter how hard you try, you just can't stop making the same mistakes over and over again in your romantic relationships. If you are over "hookup culture" and "situationships", but seem to still attract people who can only give you that level of commitment. If all the people you date and sleep with have one thing in common: they inevitably leave you feeling hurt, confused, and betrayed.
Situationship to Soulmate
Reducing Anxiety Around Sex and Relationships: Let Go of The Pattern of Constant Overthinking and Stress
Ready to make 2025 the year you finally let go of constant anxiety and stress around sex and relationships? This episode dives into how stress and anxiety can disrupt our menstrual cycle, leading to fears around unplanned pregnancy. We explore the profound impact of anxiety on your relationships and sex life, offering insights on how becoming more educated and connecting to community and support can help you regain control and peace of mind. By connecting with supportive communities like my Discord group, and gaining insights from resources including TikTok, books, and podcasts, you can build trust and empowerment within yourself which has a positive impact on your mental health.
Learn how to take back control with practical tips on managing these negative thought patterns. Separate yourself from unhelpful internal dialogues and recognize these thoughts for what they are—just thoughts, not facts. Shelly shares strategies for learning to reassure yourself instead of leaning on external validation from others, allowing you to build self-trust. Additionally, we discuss the crucial link between nervous system regulation and anxiety, offering guidance on how to maintain a calm inner world.
Follow me on TikTok and Instagram @shamelesslyshelly + @situationshiptosoulmate
Welcome back to the podcast. I am recording this on January 1st 2025, which is pretty crazy to say out loud. I honestly cannot believe that it's 2025 already. I hope you all have had a good start to the year, and this podcast, or this episode.
Speaker 1:I wanted to talk about something that I feel like has been coming up a lot in my Discord group chat that I have. It's my group chat basically for young people who are wanting to learn more about preventing pregnancy or people who have, like a lot of anxiety around the idea of being pregnant. A lot of you know people having pregnancy scares, different things like that. So it's basically like young people you know, mostly young women, but there's some, there's some guys in there too, um, who just want to chat through like either a specific situation they're going through or, yeah, just like be educated more around these topics. So, yeah, if you follow me on Tik TOK and you like that the content that I create, I definitely would recommend you joining the group. And even if you're not like currently going through a pregnancy scare or something, a lot of people in the group just enjoy giving advice and like giving advice and helping other people out, which has been really cool to see. It feels like a very supportive group of people, so that's been awesome. So, to start off, I wanted to normalize if you have anxiety around sex or around your menstrual cycle or around thinking you're pregnant. I just want to normalize that because it is more common than you think.
Speaker 1:What I hear from people a lot is just like this constant what if? Right? Like well, I got my period, but what if it wasn't really my period? Or I took a pregnancy test, but what if the result was a false negative? Or you know what if? What if, what if? So, if you're experiencing this, this episode will hopefully help you. I'm going to give my advice around letting go of anxiety, letting go of this constant what if? That you're experiencing. Why should you focus on reducing your anxiety in 2025?
Speaker 1:Some of the main reasons are that anxiety and stress really impacts your cycle, your menstrual cycle. So what I tend to see happening is people that are really anxious or stressed out. This causes their menstrual cycle to change. Right, maybe your period is late, or stress can also cause you to have a lighter or a shorter period. It can cause like random spotting things like that. So your anxiety can be affecting your cycle, which, in turn, affects your anxiety because it makes you stressed about, well, what if I'm experiencing this because I'm pregnant and it's just like this vicious cycle, right this year, on learning how to better manage and reduce my anxiety, that will also have a positive effect on your cycle, which will then have a positive effect on your ability to feel more calm and regulated and to feel like, okay, I can trust that I'm not pregnant, because I'm not having these weird symptoms throughout my cycle that are probably from stress.
Speaker 1:Anxiety also negatively impacts your relationship, right? So if you're in a relationship and you're constantly anxious and stressed and thinking, what if I'm pregnant? That is obviously going to affect your relationship. It's also probably going to affect your sex life, right? Most people who struggle with enjoying sex, for example, there's some sort of underlying anxiety there. So, whether you just feel anxious in general around sex or you're feeling anxious about the idea of being pregnant, either way, it's probably not only just help with, you know, feeling less anxious every day, but it will also have this kind of positive domino effect of helping your relationship and your sex life to be more positive.
Speaker 1:So, with that being said, I'm going to dive into all of my best advice and tips around this, because I do feel like people ask me this a lot, like I get messages and comments from people a lot saying like how do I let go of this anxiety? So here is all of my best advice the more you educate yourself, the more you can let go of anxiety, because a lot of anxiety has to do with either the fear of the unknown or this feeling of like not being in control, not being able to control what's happening around you or what's happening in your life, and taking the time and the energy to educate yourself can help you feel like you have more control, right? So if your anxiety is around the idea of getting pregnant accidentally, right? Do you feel like you're educated around how you can or cannot get pregnant, what things will get you pregnant and if you don't feel like you're as educated as you could be about that, first of all, you should definitely listen to my other podcast episode where I talked all about preventing pregnancy, and you should also obviously watch my TikTok videos, because I have so many TikTok videos on these topics and, like I said at the beginning, you should definitely join my Discord group, because even just hearing from other people's experiences or seeing what people talk about in the group can really help to educate you. But I really believe that once you feel more educated on a subject, it helps you feel more confident, it helps you feel more like self-assured, like yeah, I know what I'm talking about, I know how to do this and that in and of itself, it might seem simple, but that can really help with your anxiety.
Speaker 1:And the other reason why I think education is so important is that women's health in general is just not it's been very like under-researched. It's not always talked about as much as I think it should be. So it can feel very frustrating. To feel like you're just kind of guessing or you're just kind of figuring it out on your own yourself will be really helpful for you to just feel like, okay, I'm not completely in the dark about this stuff and even though it's not talked about as much as it should be, there still are people out there who are talking about it. There's books like Taking Charge of your Fertility or In the Flow. Both of those books are great if you're wanting to learn more about your menstrual cycle or about how fertility, how pregnancy, works in general. So instead of sitting around and feeling like it's so annoying that no one taught me this stuff. You need to take control and empower yourself by seeking out the education yourself.
Speaker 1:Okay, so my next tip, specifically, if you feel like you're someone that has a lot of intrusive thoughts, like a negative thought will just pop into your head and then you have a really hard time letting go of it. Something that can be helpful is to remind yourself that thoughts are just thoughts, right? Like we all have so many different thoughts throughout the day and you thinking something does not mean that it's true, right? Some people like to say like feelings are not facts, but I also think like thoughts are's true, right. Some people like to say like feelings are not facts, but I also think like thoughts are not facts, right, so just because you had the thought, oh my God, what if I'm pregnant? Doesn't mean that you're actually pregnant. Right, and again, that can sound like really obvious or like okay, duh, but I think sometimes, even in the moment, you just need to remind yourself of that. Like, sometimes you just need to tell yourself hey, I just had this intrusive thought. Like, literally talk to yourself, be like All right, I hear that you're concerned that maybe I'm pregnant. I know that I'm not. I don't need to give that thought any time or attention, because it's just going to make me feel bad. It's just going to make me feel anxious, I don't need to worry about it. Like it really is okay to sometimes tell yourself, hey, let's stop thinking about that.
Speaker 1:Some people like to deal with negative thoughts as if it's almost like like almost think of it as like a bully or someone that you don't like who's saying something about you, right? If you don't like the person, you shouldn't really care what they have to say about you, right? So we all have like kind of different parts within ourselves, and some of our parts within ourselves might not be the nicest all the time or might be telling you things because they're trying to prepare you for the worst. You know, maybe they're trying to prepare you for the worst. You know, maybe they're trying to prepare you for the worst case scenario, but that doesn't mean that it's true or that it's something that you need to actually focus your time and energy on. So some people even like this trick of like coming up with a name to name that part of yourself that is always thinking of the worst case scenario, like Ruth, I don't know why. That was the first thing that popped in my head, like, oh, there goes Ruth again. She's just trying to get in my head. She's trying to tell me things that aren't true. She's trying to make me, she's trying to prepare me for the worst case scenario, but she's wrong. She doesn't. I don't need to listen to her.
Speaker 1:What a lot of people tend to do when they're feeling anxious is they want to get reassurance from other people, like you want someone else to tell you, to validate, that you are correct about something you know. So I actually see this. A lot with people that follow me is like they want me to tell them that they're not pregnant. Right, and obviously I talked about this my other in my preventing pregnancy episode, but it's like I can't tell you that, right, I'm not psychic, I don't know what's going. You want to give that voice in your head telling you like, well, maybe I need to ask someone else for their opinion. I need to text my friend or ask my sister or ask or send a message to Shelly on TikTok. Right, I need someone else to tell me, to confirm for me, that I'm not pregnant.
Speaker 1:I know it's so tempting to do this, but I honestly feel like that type of behavior of like constantly seeking reassurance from other people actually makes our anxiety worse, because it makes it so that, like, like what you're basically doing is telling yourself I can't trust, rely on myself, I need to ask for other people's opinions, and so I think that actually makes your anxiety worse because it causes you to feel like really uneasy and unsettled whenever you're just alone with your own thoughts or you're just alone by yourself trying to navigate through something. So, yeah, my next piece of advice around this is like start practicing. Not start practicing giving yourself the reassurance that you're trying to get from other people so you know, you know. Again, with the pregnancy test example, like if you're someone who takes a pregnancy test and you're immediately like I need to text my friend and ask them if they think you know, like double check that they don't see a second line on this test or whatever, don't give in to that urge to ask for reassurance, right? Or maybe you're someone who has a lot of anxiety around your relationship or sex in general and it's not pregnancy related but like resist the urge to be asking for reassurance that everything's okay in your relationship or that your partner enjoyed sex. Even though they already told you they enjoyed it 10 times, you need to ask them an 11th time to make sure. Like, start practicing. When you feel the urge to ask for reassurance, just stop and instead try to give yourself reassurance. Check in with yourself Again, even talk to yourself. I know it sounds crazy, but literally talk to yourself and be like hey, I can sense that you're wanting reassurance right now. I can sense that you're feeling anxious right now. We can work through this on our own. We don't need someone else to help us with this.
Speaker 1:My next piece of advice that I feel like I've talked about a little bit on my TikTok and I definitely want to talk about more is nervous system regulation, and I feel like this is something that has become kind of a buzzword. I hear a lot of people talk about it on TikTok now, but it is really important. I think there's such a correlation between people who have a dysregulated nervous system and people who feel a lot of anxiety. So I'm going to link some of my favorite creators that talk more about nervous system regulation so that you can follow them and learn more about it.
Speaker 1:But essentially, our autonomic nervous system is the part of our body that is responsible for regulating our breathing, our heart rate, our blood pressure, our digestion, all of these things that are like very essential to you know, our health and wellness in general. If we are living in a state of high stress, that is going to have a negative impact on our body and, in particular, our nervous system. So some of the signs that you might have a dysregulated nervous system the first one, obviously, is anxiety. If you are experiencing any sort of panic attacks, that is definitely a sign that your nervous system is dysregulated. Trouble sleeping, constantly feeling tired or fatigued those are all signs that your nervous system might be dysregulated. The things that tend to cause us to have a dysregulated nervous system are also things that you probably could guess Chronic stress or burnout, going through a traumatic event, poor sleep habits, unhealthy diet and not taking time to relax those are kind of some of the main stressors that cause our nervous system to get dysregulated. So basically, what I want to say about this is like if you are in a state of very often or maybe even it feels like constantly feeling anxious around you know the idea of being pregnant, or anxious about your relationship, anxious about sex, things like that that is almost definitely going to cause you to have a dysregulated nervous system. So learning how to do work around nervous system regulation will, in turn, help with letting go of some of this anxiety. Or I guess a better way to say it would be learning how to manage, how to better manage, stress and anxiety, instead of feeling like it's just taking control of your entire life. And I also feel like managing anxiety and nervous system regulation kind of go hand in hand, because if you were to just Google how to manage anxiety or stress, a lot of the things that they recommend are also things that are recommended for nervous system regulation. So that's another reason why I wanted to mention it and I'll probably do more episodes going like diving deeper into what nervous system regulation is, because I feel like it's one of those topics. Again, like I said, that can feel like a buzzword. It can also feel like, okay, I know I have a dysregulated nervous system, but like, what do I do about that? So, like I said, I'll link some accounts that I love, that talk more about this and that have really good resources about this, so that you can check that out, and then definitely let me know if you'd be interested in me doing like a full episode focused on nervous system regulation, some of the ways to help regulate your nervous system, which, like I said, will also, in turn, help with your anxiety.
Speaker 1:Exercise is a big one, I know. This is one of those things where it's like we all know we all know we've all heard you should exercise. That'll help with your anxiety. But it really does help. And one trick that I've learned that's at least been helpful for me, that might help with you, for you all, is, instead of calling it exercise, try calling it movement. So really moving your body in any way is what we're talking about here. So I'm not just talking about like going to like an extreme workout class or something I love going on walks, like you don't have to run. I personally hate running, just going on walks, even if it's just like 10 minutes, if that's all you have time for in a day. Um, obviously more is better, but going on walks is great for both nervous system regulation and reducing anxiety. Um, but yeah, I really recommend like finding movement that you enjoy, because you know.
Speaker 1:Another thing that I'm sure we've all heard is like consistency is important. It's going to be really hard to be consistent at something if you don't like doing it right, like you don't want to have to feel like you're forcing yourself to do something. So, again, I love walking, so I go on walks. I don't like running, so I don't force myself to try to run. Um, I also really love yoga and Pilates. I just do like at-home workouts with both of those and that's something I've found I enjoy, more so than like trying to buy a membership and go to a gym or go to group workout classes.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, really, I would encourage you to find a type of exercise that you enjoy and just try to just try being consistent with it for even just a week. I think you'll notice a difference. I personally really notice a difference in my anxiety levels when I am regularly engaging in some kind of movement, and I would say like bonus points if it is a low intensity type of movement. So yoga, pilates, walking, anything that's not putting too much stress on your body, because, honestly, some types of exercise for some people at least, your body might register that as stressful. Like, if you're doing super high intensity, like like orange theory type of classes, your body's probably like what, what's going on, this feels stressful, and it can actually have the opposite effect. So, yeah, I would say, find some low intensity exercise that you enjoy. I also recommend finding some sort of purpose for why you're doing the exercise and really try to make it a purpose that is not just weight loss Obviously, totally fair if you want to lose weight, if that's a goal for you, but I just feel like when that's your only or that's your main goal, it is almost you're almost basically coming from a place of like shame instead of coming from a place of again this is something I enjoy or maybe having your purpose be like reducing your anxiety, right. So, yeah, find exercise that you enjoy, find a purpose behind doing it. And, yeah, I'm going to link a few of my favorite YouTubers that have really good exercises that are like really low intensity and make me feel really good, which I know.
Speaker 1:Again, like exercise is kind of one of those things that you always hear people say like you got to do meditation or you got to do you know you got to have a mindfulness routine, and I know sometimes I can feel like I don't want to do that or like I don't know, or maybe you've tried it before and you feel like it doesn't work for you. I think that, like similar to what I said about exercise, with mindfulness stuff, you have to find what works for you, and you might not be someone who can like turn on a meditation and just sit there and meditate for five minutes, like that might not work for you, but maybe what works for you is finding a really calming, like calming music and just going on a walk and listening to music, or even just laying down in your bed before you fall asleep and like turning on some relaxing meditation music and just relaxing. Or, um, I really love this app called the superhuman app, which I will link below, but they have. They call them activations. They have. They call them activations, but they are. They call them activations. They're basically like meditations and they have like so many different categories and types of things, and the ones that I really love on there are their walking activations. So it's like 15 minutes while you're going on a walk, you listen to something that feels really. They feel really like inspiring and motivating and empowering, which I really love. So even something like that, that's mindfulness, right, that's you taking 15 minutes to listen to something that's going to make you feel more inspired more inspired, something I've been doing lately too, is going into my office and like I have like a room in our house that is my office and I'll light some candles. I have my yoga mat in there and I'll just do like a really chill yoga class on YouTube with the candles lit, and it just feels really calming and meditative to me. So, but basically, the idea is like spending some amount of time every week, every day, is obviously best, but I know not everyone can commit to every day but just taking some time to not be scrolling on your phone, not be watching TV, not be doing something that's like super stressful or activating to your brain, and just spending some time just being alone with yourself, with your body, and just relaxing, and that can be so helpful for anxiety, and I know, again, it feels like, okay, everyone tells me to do this, but trust me, try it, okay. My next piece of advice is something that I, admittedly, am still working on myself, so I will definitely not claim to be a pro at this yet. It's something that's kind of that's definitely one of my goals for 2025, which is finding hobbies or activities to do in your free time that have nothing to do with school or work, depending on what stage of life you're in, preferably things that you don't make money doing. It's just something that you enjoy doing for no other purpose other than just enjoyment. And I think that, like, a lot of times it's really easy, especially when we are stressed or anxious, to like feel like we have to constantly be productive or feel like we have to be. You know, we spend so much time doing all these different things that it's really easy to forget, like wait, I'm not actually doing anything. That's just fun for me. You know, whereas when we're kids, like if you think back to being a child, you probably were mostly doing things that were fun. Like, obviously you had to go to school as well, but you know, we had like extracurricular activities or you were in different clubs or different things, or maybe, if you're still in school, maybe you do have those things. But I think that it's really important to find things that you enjoy doing, that bring you joy and happiness, that aren't connected to obligations you have, like school or work. So, and also bonus points, if this thing is something that you're not actually particularly good at, I feel like something that can actually really help anxiety is learning to do things even when you're not the best at them. Okay, so, like, I'll share a few examples, a few recent examples from my life. So one is I, last night actually, was randomly like I want to try baking some cookies. Like I think I might enjoy baking. I don't usually bake very much. If ever I'm going to look up a recipe and bake some cookies and I did and I really enjoyed the process of baking the cookies. I enjoyed the process of, like, following a recipe and you know I was tasting the batter as I was making it and I was like, oh, these are gonna be really good cookies, like I'm proud of myself for making them. And I baked the cookies and I did a few things wrong. I put them a little bit too close together on the baking sheet, I made them a little bit too big and because of that, like and some of the cookies were running together, some of the cookies were not cooking all the way through, like they were still. When I tried to take them out, I realized, oh, they're still kind of gooey in the middle, but like, not gooey in a yummy way gooey and like, oh, they haven't cooked all the way. So I put the cookies back in the oven and then I accidentally burned some of the cookies, accidentally burned some of the cookies, so some of the cookies turned out really good. Some of them were burned and we're not, you know, we just threw them away. But that was a really good example of like hey, I was really enjoying the process of baking and then I started to feel anxious when I realized I'd burned some of the cookies. No-transcript. Since I was pretty young, I felt like I was not good at art, like I felt like I was not good at drawing or painting or coloring or anything like that, and I always kind of felt a little bit of shame around this because my grandma, my mom's mom, was an artist. My mom is a great artist, my sister is a great artist and I just felt like embarrassed, almost that I'm, that I felt like I wasn't a good artist. And so lately I've been just coloring and I got this like coloring book that I think it actually is like mindfulness coloring book and it has like different quotes about you know different like self-care type of things and I just color in my coloring book and again, sometimes the end result is like you know what, maybe I shouldn't have used that color next to that color, it doesn't look that good. Or like you know what, maybe I shouldn't have used that color next to that color, it doesn't look that good. Or like you know what. No one's going to look at this coloring book and be like, wow, this is the next great artist, right? But I enjoy coloring. It brings me joy. It also makes me feel relaxed, so I do it. So that is my long-winded way of saying find things like that that you enjoy doing for no other reason other than that you enjoy it, and bonus points if it's something that you're not very good at, and extra bonus points if it's something that makes you feel more regulated, more calm, more relaxed. If it seems to help with your anxiety, all right. So the last thing I wanted to talk about in this episode is if you feel like you're really struggling with your anxiety, maybe you've tried some of these tips or you start trying them and you feel like, okay, they're kind of helping. But I also feel like I still am just like unable to let go of this intense anxiety, especially if it's really affecting you on a daily basis, like you just really feel like you are constantly anxious. First of all, I want to validate. You're not alone. I felt like that for many years. I know a lot of other people who follow me feel that way. It's again. It's kind of part of why I made this episode. But even though it is common and it is valid to feel that way, I want you all to know that, like, you deserve to find relief from your anxiety and if you feel like medication could be beneficial to you, my advice is to look into it. Talk to a therapist, talk to a psychiatrist. Even if you just go to your doctor and say I'm feeling anxious every single day, I don't know what else to do, I'm feeling anxious every single day, I don't know what else to do, could medication be a good idea for me? Unfortunately, there's still this stigma around medication where it's like especially with stuff like anxiety I think a lot of the stuff that I talked about in this episode it's like. It's like people will kind of give you that advice and then they won't say like, but also you should try medication if you haven't already. And I am, like, such a huge proponent of medication. I will share that. I myself have been on an antidepressant medication. I'm on Lexapro. I have been on that for five years about five years now and it helps me so much. Like I still experience some anxiety, but like on a daily basis. I'm not feeling anxious constantly the way that I was before and it took me so many years. Like I maybe I'll do a whole episode about more about my mental health, but like when I was a freshman in college so I was like 18 or 19, I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and I started seeing a therapist and she recommended I get on medication, and I ended up not doing it because I felt like maybe I'm too young to be on medication or maybe or I don't want to be stuck on it for the rest of my life or whatever. And I honestly kind of regret that, because now I look back and I like look at how many years I spent really suffering. Pretty soon after starting medication for the first time, I was like oh, this is how other people feel like this, like it's actually possible to feel this this much peace every single day, and like don't get me wrong, it's not a magic pill. Like I said, I still experience anxiety, especially when something happens that really triggers me or if I'm not doing the other things that I've recommended in this episode, I will still feel anxious a lot. So I think that medication can really be a great way to kind of have both Like, have the medication, Like basically, medication can help you to do these other things that I've talked about, because it's really hard to get yourself to try meditation if your anxiety is so severe that you can't even do anything right. So medication can sometimes help you to better be able to take the other advice that I've given in this episode. So, yeah, that's not. My advice would be if you feel like, again, either you've tried the advice that I've given in this episode or you just feel like I don't even know if that would work for me because my anxiety is so severe right now, please, please, do not feel like there's any shame in getting on medication. So I hope this was helpful for you. I really hope that 2025 can be the year for all of you to learn how to better manage your anxiety, reduce your anxiety and, just like, feel more peace and more joy in your life, because I think we all deserve that, especially those of you who are women who feel a lot of anxiety around your body or your menstrual cycle, or preventing pregnancy, or your relationships or sex Like. You deserve to enjoy all of these areas of your life. So I hope this episode was helpful for you. As always, please follow me on TikTok and Instagram. I am shamelessly Shelly on both of those platforms and I would love for you to join my Discord group if you want to chat with other people, hear what other people are going through, share your experiences, and I'll definitely be sharing more in that group about how to reduce your anxiety and just more about what I talked about in this episode. So thank you for listening and I will talk to you next time.
