Welcome to the latest episode of "These Fukken Feelings" podcast! In this captivating installment, we are joined by Jonathan Niziol, a mental health advocate with an extraordinary life story.
Prepare to be taken on a compelling journey as we explore the aftermath of life-altering tragedies and the hidden pressures that accompany seemingly glamorous careers. Micah, Rebecca, and our special guest Jonathan Niziol delve into the depths of the human experience, unraveling the emotional landscape that tests our resilience and compels us to confront our vulnerabilities.
Jonathan Niziol, whose name has been spelled correctly, shares his personal tapestry of triumphs and tribulations. From the highs of an international modeling career to the lows of battling substance abuse and coping with traumatic events, he opens the doors to his world. Together, we navigate the weight of carrying such burdens while uncovering the transformative path towards healing and self-forgiveness.
In this thought-provoking conversation, we emphasize the importance of mental health advocacy, especially for men, and how sharing our stories can break down stigmas that hinder us from seeking help. We also shed light on the significance of therapy, finding catharsis through physical activity, and discovering solace in the small and humorous moments amidst life's chaos.
Jonathan's candidness about his experiences serves as a powerful reminder of the beauty found in authenticity and the courage required to embrace our true selves. Join us on this empowering journey of self-reflection, where laughter and solace emerge as the cornerstones of our messy yet beautifully human existence.
For more information about Jonathan Niziol and his inspiring journey, visit his official website: https://www.jonathanniziolofficial.com/about.
Welcome to the latest episode of "These Fukken Feelings" podcast! In this captivating installment, we are joined by Jonathan Niziol, a mental health advocate with an extraordinary life story.
Prepare to be taken on a compelling journey as we explore the aftermath of life-altering tragedies and the hidden pressures that accompany seemingly glamorous careers. Micah, Rebecca, and our special guest Jonathan Niziol delve into the depths of the human experience, unraveling the emotional landscape that tests our resilience and compels us to confront our vulnerabilities.
Jonathan Niziol, whose name has been spelled correctly, shares his personal tapestry of triumphs and tribulations. From the highs of an international modeling career to the lows of battling substance abuse and coping with traumatic events, he opens the doors to his world. Together, we navigate the weight of carrying such burdens while uncovering the transformative path towards healing and self-forgiveness.
In this thought-provoking conversation, we emphasize the importance of mental health advocacy, especially for men, and how sharing our stories can break down stigmas that hinder us from seeking help. We also shed light on the significance of therapy, finding catharsis through physical activity, and discovering solace in the small and humorous moments amidst life's chaos.
Jonathan's candidness about his experiences serves as a powerful reminder of the beauty found in authenticity and the courage required to embrace our true selves. Join us on this empowering journey of self-reflection, where laughter and solace emerge as the cornerstones of our messy yet beautifully human existence.
For more information about Jonathan Niziol and his inspiring journey, visit his official website: https://www.jonathanniziolofficial.com/about.
You don't have to be positive all the time. It's perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared and anxious. Having feelings doesn't make you a negative person. It doesn't even make you weak. It makes you human and we are here to talk through it all. We welcome you to these fucking feelings podcast, A safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now.
Speaker 2:What up guys? Welcome to these fucking feelings podcast. I am Micah. I got my girl, rebecca here with me and today we got our guest on who is also a mental health advocate Jonathan Naisal. Right, you got it? Yes, I am. I be practicing people's names, right, because I'm dyslexic.
Speaker 3:I appreciate it, that's not an easy one to get, it's a weird one, but thank you very much for having me.
Speaker 2:I really appreciate you guys inviting me out, no problem. So one thing we do like to do here is we ask our guest to introduce themselves. Feel like it's the best way for our audience to get to know you, sure.
Speaker 3:So I'm coming from Texas. I'm originally from Canada, though I've lived here since April 2019. I am a model, I'm a real estate investor and I'm also a certified personal trainer. I'm an Aries. I grew up on a farm just outside of Toronto, like you guys are saying, like we were talking about before the recording started yeah, just a very laid back guy. Like you said, I started to talk more about mental health and use my social media platform to talk a bit more about my life story and things that I've been through, and I'm really passionate about that and lowering the veil of social media and really getting the real stuff out there, just to not the whole everything that glitters is gold and what you see on the surface, kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:So yeah, that's about it. And also my stigma is when you get to see, like a person like yourself, real estate which call that stuff working out. I think is what they call it. You know, I don't do it, yeah, so, but no, it's cool when you see, like it's funny. But a lot of men, if they don't host the podcast show, then they normally don't speak on it. So what I think about the number of women we have compared to men, like it's few and far in between. So, thank you for coming on and to be willing to share your story.
Speaker 3:My pleasure. I think, like I said, it's really important thing to, like you said, break the stigma You're absolutely right and to show that you know this kind of stuff happens to everybody and we all have a, you know, predisposition to judge a book by its cover and, like you said, you don't know what people are going through, what they've gone through, and yeah. So we'll get really, really deep into that. So I hope I'll go too much right now.
Speaker 2:But how long have you actually taken the journey to start talking about men's health?
Speaker 3:So it's really within the last I'd say the last six months to a year. I mean talking about it publicly. I started going to therapy and stuff like that and doing that when, probably six years ago, when I realized that all of this stuff that I was doing to try and mask my mental health and to try and not deal with my fucking feelings was not working. But in the last six months it's been, it's like, so it's been more recent. There are certain things that I talk about now that I've gone through in my life that I just thought I was going to take to my grave because of, like you said, the embarrassment of being a guy and how to go through these things or breaking the facade of you know everybody's, whatever they, you know what you see, and so it's a, it's a, it's a eurus thing, and finds a weakness, and a little boy fell and he was crying and his dad was like are you a?
Speaker 2:little girl. Are you a little girl? Are you a little girl's cry? Like bro come out, he's bleeding, like I'm about to cry and I didn't go. Oh, so, actually I was watching you on Instagram and I know that you I thought that you like broke the story up in two parts and you were kind of sharing it where everybody. Can you tell us a little bit about that now, so sure?
Speaker 3:So I guess I'll start where it all really gets started. Like I said before about, like, my upbringing, I was raised on a farm. I had a wonderful upbringing Um a 500 cattle farm. But there's a very decisive day where my life changed completely and took a pretty dark turn, and that was the day before my 21st birthday and I it was a regular day like any other I was, I had just I'd moved back from college and I had just moved out of, out of my house to get my first big boy job. I was, I was selling cars at a far a four dealership and I had the morning off. I was wanting to buy some fish for my tropical fish tank.
Speaker 3:I remember, as I'm walking to the building, I got a call it's a home number, I figure it's just you know if they're calling just to like plan my birthday uh celebration for the next day to come visit me. And it was hey, jonathan, are you by yourself? And I'm like well, yeah, I guess I'm just walking to the fish store. And it was, uh, your mom's dead. And I was like what do you mean? My mom's dead? Like she wasn't sick, she wasn't like, it was just an absolute, like complete, you know, shock and it was completely devastating, uh, tragic. My mom was my best friend, my my biggest supporter. She had a wonderful relationship and, like I said, it was so sudden.
Speaker 3:I I went through all the emotions, initially mostly denial, and I was like you're wrong, I'm going to prove you're wrong. You know, calling whatever hospital, calling whoever I could like to try and prove wrong. And then finally it was proved to be right and I remember that day so clearly, like you know, once I found out men having to go to the funeral home and start to do all these things and, and you know, your head spinning and everything's going crazy. And I remember looking around and seeing, like the gas stations open and, and you know, the Wendy's drive through is filled up, and I'm like what are these people doing? Like don't they understand what just happened? Like why is the world still working? Like what, what is going on here? Like shut it down, man. Like my life as I know it has ended. I was just happening and that was the first time that I learned that that's the world and that's life. You know, you don't know who are going through these days or who's. You don't know people's situations, you don't know and you know some people are just going about their day going through whatever and you really don't know. So that's why I'm a really big advocate of of leading with grace and treating people with respect, and I don't care if it's person who delivers your food your door or if it's the person you work for or whatever. I think everybody deserves your utmost respect and that was a that was a big one for me.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, I kind of tried to keep it together for the next couple of years but slowly started to deal with mental health issues. I was diagnosed with very anxiety and clinical depression and self harm and panic. Panic is a disorder. I didn't know what was going on because back then it was 20 years ago it wasn't talked about. Mental health wasn't talked about. I didn't know the words anxiety or whatever.
Speaker 3:And, like you said, I mean I was raised, you know, with my parents. It was pushed through like a nut. They weren't bad people and that is just it wasn't, as they didn't. They didn't have the tools either. They weren't. They weren't caught the tools, they couldn't pass it along to me. The only thing they knew was put your head down and keep moving, and I just thought I was going crazy. I was like, oh, I'm losing it, like I'm absolutely losing it, I don't know what's happening to me, what. So finally diagnosed with those things.
Speaker 3:So I started to try to educate myself.
Speaker 3:That's a big thing I always talked about with with people is if you find out that you're going through something and you're dealing with something and not just a bad day or or you know stress and but you find out you have anxiety or you have depression, educate yourself on what that looks like and why your body and your mind are doing certain things, and so that way you can deal with it better when you're in the moment and you're feeling panicked and you're having physical reactions to it, and then you're like, oh, I understand now. But that took me years to learn because I figured my first step was hey, this is a lot easier when I drink like oh, I don't know, 15 to 30 beers at a time, like I'm just going to, you know, get wasted, and all my feelings magically disappear until I sober up and then they come right back and then I have more problems and then, and it's harder when they come back as like filling it all again and from not filling it to like now you're reliving it.
Speaker 3:It's exactly you're reliving it and then, like, add on the stuff that you did when you were like, when I was wasted, like and you know, being an active with fool and causing like sorry stuff with like my family or girlfriends or whatever, like all that kind of stuff. So it's like, yeah, you're just resetting, but the easiest thing to do is to keep drinking. So you know, when those things and I just did that for years and quickly became a non-functioning alcoholic. And I say I say I was non-functioning because it was ruining my, my relationships with my, like I said, my friends, family. It was ruining my work, it was ruining my health, it was ruining my finances, it was ruining my I was professional lacrosse players it was ruining my passion for my sports. It was taking everything away and I knew exactly why. I knew what was doing it, but it had a grip on me, sorry.
Speaker 2:Did you know that you were this non-functional alcoholic or did you think you were functioning okay?
Speaker 3:Oh, I thought I thought I was. I. I started to notice, even for myself. I remember I remember the day that I told myself that I was an alcoholic and admitted to. I admitted to myself because people, other people told me and I was like, yeah, whatever, yeah, I can now drink you. I guess that's just a compliment, like thanks. But I remember it was eight o'clock in the morning and I was I called in sick from work because I would get the shakes in the morning, I would get from withdrawals. And it's eight o'clock in the morning. I'm cracking my first beer for the day and I'm like, what am I doing? Like this is this is not what I was supposed to be doing. This is not my life. Like I'm an alcoholic. I I know that.
Speaker 3:I can now admit that I'm an alcoholic. I don't know how I'm going to fix it, but I knew it had I could had it's uh, it's grips on me and and had taken control. And it was like I said that's what I started to realize like, and look around and I was 265 pounds, 40% body fat. I was like I said, everything around me was crumbling. But as soon as I got back into that that safe space of you know, uh, inebriation. Then everything kind of was okay. That was the first time and I remember just being so destitute and so broken and just being like man, like I don't know where to go from here and I didn't know. So I just kept drinking.
Speaker 3:And I'm very, very lucky because I got a very bad case of acute pancreatitis and that's severe inflammation of the pancreas and usually brought on by drinking, brought on by other things, but in my case it was definitely from drinking. And one day I was drinking by myself and it was the night before Canadian Thanksgiving and I remember I already get like a little pain in my stomach. So I was like, oh, whatever, I was just drinking through it. And as the night went on it got worse and then by six in the morning it was like man, I've got really bad gas pains or something, and by 10 o'clock I had checked myself into the ER and took him about a day to realize what it was. And from there I spent the stoner a month in the hospital. I had to have five blood transfusions I lost in total I lost 60 pounds. I lost 40 pounds in the first two weeks and I almost died twice and that was a huge wake up call for me.
Speaker 3:That was one of the point that you started, the wake up. Yeah, that was one of them. I mean, I've had dozens of rock bottoms throughout my life because unfortunately, otherwise our interview would be over and be like hey, nice talking to you, but there's a lot more to this story. But it was definitely. I'm so grateful for that.
Speaker 3:It happened because, like I said before, I knew that I was an alcoholic, but I didn't know how I was going to quit and I have all the admiration of the world for people who can choose the path of if they need to. Again, I'm not a preacher, not a drinker. I don't think everybody should not drink or be sober, and that's not at all For me. It wasn't like, but people who realized like I have some close friends who realized that they were getting to a point where it was becoming a problem and they chose to stop. And I think that's incredible because it took me that severity for me to get the picture and to realize that alcohol couldn't be a part of my life anymore. And that was just. That was 16 years ago, last I don't know, in October I was 16, october or something. It was 16 years ago that that happened, so I haven't touched a sip of alcohol since then.
Speaker 2:Congratulations. Thank you, I appreciate it. I think my relationship with fruit rollups I mean I wake up to compare alcoholism?
Speaker 4:No, no, we really not, we're really not.
Speaker 2:However, I do wake up three o'clock in the morning and eat one, and then go back to sleep and then wake up in the morning and eat one again.
Speaker 3:They just actually it's very similar behavior, for sure, for sure, and I do love a good fruit rollup. Yeah, so it was. So I got sober from alcohol and my life started to immediately look and feel better. I got scared straight about my body and learning that you know, things come from the inside out and that's where my passion for fitness started. I wanted to learn more about the body and like how it works and taking better care of it and like, hey, I'm still alive at 25 after going through that and I was eating garbage food and fast food and all kinds of stuff and maybe fruit rollup or two. Hey, do you want her to? We'll talk later. But I just, yeah, I started to realize like, hey, if you put better stuff in your body, you know, within moderation, like you learned, but you'll, yeah, you'll get better results from it.
Speaker 3:I started going back to the gym and playing lacrosse. I had a career ending lacrosse knee injury but I was 26 at the time. It wasn't paying. As a profession, it was a lot of fun, but it's a very rough sport and there's a lot of fighting and stuff. So going to work like my real job, with black eyes and stitches and stuff on a regular basis was kind of getting old so I was like, okay, maybe it's time to call it a career.
Speaker 2:And that you were playing lacrosse like he had a gang.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly right. My dad came to the first game that I finally made this local pro team and he's like all right, I'm coming. I got in a fight and I remember I was getting beat up. I've won a lot of fights but I've lost a lot of fights too. And I was getting just pummeled by this guy and I remember looking down the ground and just seeing blood trailing around. And after the game I was like, hey, what'd you think you know? Before I go to the hospital. He's like this is what you want to do Really. I'm like yeah, it's great, isn't it you like?
Speaker 3:Meanwhile, my parents got me into lacrosse when I was young, and hockey and all that stuff. But so I had a better appreciation for fitness, I got in a better shape, and then I thought I was looking to do some modeling and my mom had been a model in the late 70s and early 80s. So I had an interest from her fashion background and I thought, you know, crystal said I wasn't so bad on the card in the eyes. So I was like, hey, maybe I'll check out some agencies or something. And I ended up going to a couple of agencies in Toronto, got some offers and I started modeling professionally and that was my first contract and I had the ability to start traveling pretty soon after. My first stop was Cape Town. It was wonderful. It was six months in there. It was absolutely incredible. I could you know, instead of whole podcast just telling you about that. But the one thing that I started to notice and I started to plant the seed in my own head of body dysmorphia, because when I saw all these people on these magazines you know, like guys that I was preparing myself to, I'm like all these guys are jacked, they're ripped, all this kind of stuff. So I was still working out like a pressure athlete. I was using fitness as a distraction in place of alcohol, which I didn't realize until later. I'm like it's working out, it's healthy, you can't do too much of it. Well, you can, I mean. But I was. I got there around all these other international models and I'm like you know, twice the size of them and I'm still booking work and I'm still doing well. But I started to plant the seed of like and that's what I think with. It's so important, like we're talking about getting rid of this whole social media thing, that comparison of oh well, they booked that job. Maybe if I looked a bit more like so-and-so, I would book that job, including these other jobs, and maybe I. So I started to plant that body dysmorphia like seed in my head and so I left.
Speaker 3:I left South Africa after six months, went back to Canada in the middle of winter, miserable but I quickly drove to Miami. That was. My next stop was Miami and I'd only been in Miami for two days and yeah, I was like my first major in US, like in you know, play a stop. Like I'm in a big market. I'm in a major market here. I've got a Miami agency, like I'm ready to make this happen.
Speaker 3:So I was there for two days and I remember my agency. I'm looking for a house I'm trying to like or a place to live and all that kind of stuff. My agency's like we've got a go see for you. So I don't know if you guys are like go see is like it's a, it's like a casting, like specifically for you If you're new in town or if you had some new pictures, something that like director or a photographer or a designer will say we want to meet with him and try some clothes on or whatever. So I was like they had a go see program. I'm like great, two days in I'm already got you know stuff.
Speaker 3:But they said it's going to be at this guy's house at like 830 at night, red flag and my agent proceeded to tell me this guy is a bit of a creep and I was like okay, well, all right, so I go in and you know I'm, I shoot all kinds of stuff. But you know there are some people who are body guys in the industry, who you know are have better built or have bodies and shoot more underwear and somewhere and stuff. And I've always been a body guy and so it wasn't weird for me to go to a casting and to you know, stripped out and get into like a pair of briefs and come back out and you know that kind of stuff. So that was pretty normal stuff.
Speaker 3:But after a couple of times of going into the bathroom or coming back out, he started to make you know some uncomfortable comments and, you know, make some like inappropriate references to my anatomy and came back out and then he sexually assaulted me and I was like what is going on right now? Like I in the moment? I was just frozen, like completely frozen, Like what is happening right now. And then when I finally came to my next step with you know, with my background and like lacrosse and you know, when I my mom died, I had a lot of misplaced anger. So I've been in a lot of fights and stuff like that I was like, oh, I'm going to beat the crap out of this guy, like I'm going to beat this guy to death. And I was like, okay, well, you can't do that because you'll probably get charged and it's his word against yours.
Speaker 2:And now I really open it like the story out north coming to that. You knocked him out and I don't know.
Speaker 3:But, like, like I said, I thought I'm like I'm going to get charged with attempted murder Because I don't know if I didn't know where the stopping point was, like I, and so I just figured, okay, I'm going to get out of here, I need to get out of the situation. I got myself out of the situation and said, you know, do not touch me, like, just get away from me. I left and, but I didn't think to report like sit, talk to my agency about it, cause this is before the me too movement. So it was like the wild west out there.
Speaker 3:So I, first of all, I was embarrassed. I also didn't want to be labeled as a told maker, because that's the way that it worked in markets is like these things would happen and there'd be kind of like the under, you know the, the kind of talking between the designers and the photographers and stuff like that who did this kind of stuff. And if somebody threw up a red flag or caused trouble, then all of a sudden you're shut down, like you're blacklisted. So I'm like I just got to Miami. Not to mention, though, I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was confused, I was also, men can't be sexually assaulted.
Speaker 2:And there's always that thing also like who believes that a man was sexually assaulted is always such a big thing with that.
Speaker 3:That's exactly it. And like so many people have asked me, like in, like I've only recently started talking about it, but they're like, well, why didn't you just eat them up? You know, you're such a good fighter and stuff. I'm like you don't understand. When I was in the moment when that was happening, like I was like that was exactly my, my. I was like what is going on right now? There's no way this is happening to me right now. So I just internalized it and about two weeks later, I guess, like my demons were just like becoming too much and the body just more people was coming, becoming too much.
Speaker 3:And that's when I started this eight year battle with an eating disorder. Because I said, okay, I need to make a drastic change now to get work in Miami and I needed some kind of a release, like the same way that, like getting drunk would be like I always say that I was a functioning believing, like I'd wake up in the morning, I eat all my, all my normal meals, all my healthy stuff, I would do all that, it'd be fine. And then, whenever I found myself alone with my thoughts in my place, in my four walls, it was like, oh, I can't be with my feelings, like there's no way. So I would go get like a hundred dollars with a junk food or something or however much, and just eat garbage and then immediately regret it and purge it up. And that was an absolute cycle. Because of you know, just say it was another distraction, another release of a way, to you know, escape my feelings and to you know, just you know, disassociate or just take me away for a minute. So, yeah, I did that for a long time and I that's.
Speaker 3:Those are the two things that I never thought I would ever talk about out loud. Like I've talked to people about my alcoholism, I'll talk about, like, mental health and stuff, but those two things because the stigma is behind them, like you're saying like and like I never thought that I would ever talk about those two things publicly because I'm like, oh, people are going to think this or people are going to think that, and like, as I've gotten older and as I've come to terms with and I'll talk about forgiveness later because that's a big part of it but I realized that, like, these things need to be talked about and they need to be talked about by the people that you least expect to talk about them and to talk like to have gone through them and To, like I said, like we could like keep saying dropping the stigma out and just knowing that these things happen. So I traveled quite a bit more, a bit of a run. I appreciate it, I mean I wouldn't. I mean Crystal might say that, but what?
Speaker 2:Well? No, I was just thinking like, what hasn't he done? He did cross, he was a model, got the real estate cars. He didn't even say that in his introduction. Yeah, yeah, it's like you don't done it all. You know, you don't beat people up, like all the things I wish I could done.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I, that's it. It's yeah, I've had. Yeah, people are like I look back at some of the stuff that I've done in some of the Crazy situations that I've got myself in, or just the things that I, like you said I've done. I'm like man, I'm over here, I'm just living a life. But I mean there are 15 years of that that were, you know, very dark, where I was just trying my best. And so I go from Miami, go to New York next, and right after New York I get called to go to London, england, after fashion week, and you know, I'm over there and Come back to New York and I'm like just, you know, just doing pretty well, like really doing well as an international model and and loving it. But I started to Like, I started to notice every time I stopped, like go back home for a little bit, back to Toronto or back to Canada. You know I kind of I've missed my father and I don't miss my friends and notice that everybody's lives Just keep going and I'm, you know, living out of a suitcase for like a few years kind starts to wear out you a little bit. So I decided I need to put down roots. Fitness, like I said, was very important to me. So I wanted to start my own fitness business. I wanted to get a dog, who I still have. I went over a little Bailey, but that's what I put down roots and decided to stay in Toronto and stop traveling for a bit and Everything was great for a bit again, which is kind of a theme, you know, everything's great for a bit. And Because I had that distraction of traveling, traveling was a distraction. The new places and the new. You know you get to a new city and and you know you have to find a new gym and a new quarter store and you meet new people and new, new friends, new relationships and all that kind of stuff. But and that I settled into you know regular life of you know just being in Toronto, stuff.
Speaker 3:And then it was fucking feelings, man. They just kept creeping up and I was. Then I was like okay, I need to. Just I need to turn to drugs now. And I it started out with weed smoking. I'd smoke weed in college and like when I was younger and stuff, and but I Started smoking a ton of weed, like two ounces a week by myself, like just just a ton of weed Just couldn't function without it. I'd go throughout my day and be fine and stuff. When I came home the anxiety would start to creep up and then it'd be like I need to get away from these feelings. So I'd smoke and then buy out of ideas addicted to that and that was a big one.
Speaker 3:Adderall was a big, big one for me because it's like, hey, you want to stay in shape and be productive, have you tried legal mess? See from the makers of so and so we bring you Adderall. Like this is great. I can lose weight and I can scrub my floor tiles for eight hours at a time and we'll have fun doing it. Like this is. This is incredible. People always say it's like awesome. Oh, it is. Until it's not, until it gets scary. Like I.
Speaker 3:I was literally on my hands and knees for eight hours with a toothbrush, scrubbing the grout, my floor tiles and having the time of my life, but I had been up for like three days. I would be up for like three or four days at a time. It was just, it was nuts man, it was absolutely nuts, and I was always with my drinking and with my Drugs and stuff like that. I was very insular, like I was very much like it wasn't like, hey, let's go out and get like a, you know, go out and party and like everybody. Or I was like, oh, I've got these feelings and I need to like I'm alone and I need to like do something about it. So it was that it was Adderall as well. And then I was hooked on nitrous, on Whippets as well, because I did those in college and I was like, well, and bring those back. Those things you know help you disappear and kill some brain cells at the same time. But you know you don't feel your feelings. It's better feeling your feelings.
Speaker 3:And the final straw for me was I was taking an over-the-counter Muscle relaxer and the one thing I will give myself credit for is I was. I was very good at saying on the baseline drugs like I mean Adderall is kind of aggressive, but for the most part staying on the baseline, because I knew the moment that I Thought heroin or did coke or anything like graduated to the next level, I or took oxy, whatever, or hydro, whatever they're called I knew that my life would be over. I knew absolutely. I knew, with my addictive personality, with my demons, that I wasn't dealing with. I knew that my life can be over Big time and it's, it's in me and it's a genetic thing. It comes from my mom's side and I my parents would notice it at a young age. When I wanted to do something like play lacrosse, I was like I had to go. It was. I was obsessed, like you and for roll-ups.
Speaker 2:We, you know I was thinking about because I was thinking about lacrosse and I was thinking about you talk about the fights and like your dad saying, like this is what you want to do, and I was like that. To me that was like a mental health moment, because it is a good question, like you're bleeding, okay, and you want to come back tomorrow.
Speaker 3:Yeah, exactly. No, it's exactly it. And yeah, it was always my way with things. Like I was really good at school when I focused on it, but I was more interested in like sports and stuff like that and I was just getting like very focused and so I finally my body was telling me that these things are bad for me. Like we'd started to turn on me. It was like my sanctuary and then it started to become like paranoia and anxiety and like really uncomfortable. And I had some really bad experiences with it where I was like, okay, I'm done with that. That felt awful and Same with the Adderall. But I always I had these, like I said.
Speaker 3:I always say I had dozens of rock bottoms, because I get to the point where I was like I'm looking at life, I'm living, I don't felt my Adderall, the toilet Don't felt my weed Flush it, and I'd be like that's it, I'm done, and then a couple days later be like man, you're coming these feelings again and and right, they creep up. But so I had I need big events to really To really get them all to get the idea, like with pancreatitis and stuff like that. So we'd had some really bad experiences that I'm going to the hospital just because I was freaking out and it was like a really bad experience on Billy, bad trip on weed, and then Say, with the Adderall started noticing in me. But I'd always taken these back pills and they're over the counter, just buy them on the shop, the shelf, regular old back, like back medicine. And they had 500 milligrams of metha carbon All that was the act of like muscle releaser, and they had 200 milligrams of ibuprofen in each pill and I took them for you know, lacrosse eggs or like fitness pain or something like that, like for years and years. And Then I was left with no other Like other vices to fall back on. So I was like, oh, I'm gonna go all in on these pills. So it's amazing what the body can tolerate.
Speaker 3:But I, in the span of like a month and a month or two months, I went from taking, like it says, don't take more than eight per day. I went from taking like eight per day to a hundred pills every single day. I would take 50,000 milligrams of metha carbon and 20,000 milligrams of ibuprofen Every single day and I'm like I'm not being hyperbolic, I'm not proud of it, it's not a brag, not a brag at all. But I would buy a generic bottle it was like thirty eight dollars and change and I would just go home, I'd dump out you know a handful of thirty or forty, pop them in, swallow them, and Every single day I'd go through a hundred and I'd go back the next day and I start doing the math. Unique organs.
Speaker 2:It's like you shouldn't have, with the drink in and the room over your kidneys. Tell me about it. That thing, probably, is what saved you. Maybe being healthy saved you from all those things.
Speaker 3:That's a thing that's a thing is because eating very healthy what I wasn't, you know, doing my bulimia stuff I was still eating healthy and keeping that down and I've always been very good at taking my vitamins. I always like wake up in the morning and take my vitamins and also eating healthy. But yeah, with all this like throwing some stuff at it. So I started to lose weight like crazy and the next day I'd be kind of lethargic and I'd be like, oh, I'm just probably feeling the effects of having a hundred pills the day before, like. But I started having fainting spells and I remember I fainted in my house and cracked my head open and Came to and I like I should have gotten stitches, but I never ended up getting the stitches and I woke up, my dogs licking my face and I'm just laying on the ground you know big pool of blood. And then my anxiety starts going through the roof because I start thinking, oh, I'm gonna like this is gonna happen in public or like when I'm driving and I'm gonna hurt somebody or cause a scene, and but I was like it's got to be something else and I was losing weight.
Speaker 3:I had no energy. I was like you know what? You're just being a wimp, push through it. You just pride on enough carbs go eat this. Do that anything to? It was anything else, except for the obvious. You know what was going on. And Finally I got to the point where I remember I was on a shoot and I was on it. I was shooting a cover of romance novel and I've done a bunch of romance novels.
Speaker 2:She's probably ready. And she said you look, a million die.
Speaker 3:I've been on the cover of like over 150 romance novels. They used to be great. I was in trial. They're a great gig, really great, to work with their wonderful people. So, crystal, I'll send you a list of the titles.
Speaker 2:So I don't know which one is first, the fact that you have a list or that Rebecca just did to everybody and I mean pretty good on our download and know that you.
Speaker 4:Doesn't? I want to know this. I feel like immediately.
Speaker 2:Don't admit in public. No, but that's a thing though.
Speaker 3:What about the spifty shades of gray that came out? Everybody was like oh, and it's like. What are you talking about? They've been doing this for years. Harley Quinn's been doing this for years. Like don't watch that.
Speaker 2:Then there's something already. Ray was a little sexy because he was choking on shit. That was like oh okay, now we're gonna. I'm not choking anybody, I'm just reading a novel like that, and Fifty shades of gray allowed them to like it in public, yeah this cover stick at her.
Speaker 2:Well, we talk about like drinking, and he was, like Jonathan would say, explain it. I don't know what was just saying, but I did want to bring this point because Jonathan was saying, like you know, he's not saying drinking is bad, it's just kind of like not bad for him, you know it's, it's like anything else, kind of like the sadistic stuff that people like and and that are BDSM and shit. I mean choked me every now and there, you know, but also to me, like I actually found myself because of we it really is, we allowed me to Open myself up, to accept like all of me, like it was most people, like reaction that people have. Will we eat? I don't have. Like I do weed and or like smoke, weed or whatever, and I want to build a house. Like I don't get lazy, I become productive and now I'm designing stuff.
Speaker 2:I think this podcast was made off a week, but um, but it also like it was at the lowest moment of my life too that I decided I also am a cancer survivor and I had cancer. So for years doctors been trying to push Medical marijuana on me right and um, but I was one of those who that didn't matter what drug you did. He was a crackhead. So I didn't want to be a crackhead I you know what I'm saying. But finally, one day it was kind of like me at my lowest point.
Speaker 2:I didn't. I didn't want to go through, like you know, same similar things like the anxiety and depression, and I was going through that and people wanted to prescribe medicine but I had been out of control of my body for so long because of my ailments that now that I had control, I didn't want to be under something else to control it. So that's my issue, yeah, but anyway, I finally decided to like okay, I was gonna try weed and I'm telling you when I tell you it changed my life Like it did. But it allowed me to like visit things. What's wrong, rebecca? There'll be a laughing of me. It allowed me to like visit places, really really dark places that I wouldn't visit because I knew to stay away from it when I was sober.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, you know, it's only.
Speaker 2:I totally get that, I totally respect that and yeah, it helped me deal with a lot of trauma and get out a lot of trauma. That now I'm okay. Like Adam, you know I'm still on my healing journey, but I'm pretty much okay.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, for sure, that's I definitely. Like you said, I'm not, I'm not a preacher, I'm not preachy, like I don't think that the things that I do or did or whatever, everybody should not do, and I do see a lot of validity. I've heard that a lot and I do think that there's a very like it works and and it's it's. That's the thing is as an individual, that's what's wonderful about it Is what is what, what works for us and us as individuals?
Speaker 2:I think we have to touch things on the harm. If it's causing you harm and is making you not safe, then it's something you need to visit, no matter what it is. Yeah and every for everybody. Yeah, no, mine is my love of Ferro Loza. I'm gonna be in the diabetic, but right, I know, I know that. I know that and he's will fall out. I'm not sure where I'm. We worry about these teeth. I'm about to go by self Hold on.
Speaker 3:No, it's exactly a diabetic part. Okay, yeah, and I will say in my defense, I don't have a list of the romance novels that I shot. So whenever I'd see them in the store I'd buy them. So I have a bookshelf with about like 150 of these romance novels and that I that I've never read before. People that whenever they see it they're like, have you read of these? I was like no, but I'm on the cover dressed as, like you know, all these different characters and stuff, and people are like, is it weird out? Yeah, I don't think, get it. They put me ponytail on me two times. My hair was long like some bizarre one, lots of cowboy stuff. But because of my ethnic background, because nobody can really figure out what I am and I just like to play a like a Whole range of characters, so like I got and like what they, when they like you, they use you a lot. So I got booked a lot for them and they were great.
Speaker 3:But it was, at that shoot and shooting, one of those where I was like I've got it, like this is like enough is enough. So the next day I went, I went home. I didn't get the hundred pills after work like I normally did that day. I woke up the next day and I was supposed to go to shoot another cover of the next day, like at six in the morning, and I'm sitting there brushing my teeth and I could barely stand up, like my body was just like buckling I could, and I was like I called my text of my agency and said, or email, whatever, and I can't, I can't go to work, I'm going to the emergency room and I had internal bleeding, massive internal bleeding in my intestines from an attestive ulcer. And that's where you said, like my the intestines, like, but I didn't know because I wasn't passing blood, I wasn't like what I would like, what I would throw up, I wasn't, there was no blood coming up. I was. There was no blood in my urine or stool, anything like that. So I didn't know.
Speaker 3:And I but I was losing weight, give or commenting and like you know what's high, like why are you losing so much weight? I'm like, oh, I'm just, you know, changing it up a bit, but all the signs were there and and I finally like they got me on the iron supplements to try and help rebuild my blood, cell count, stuff like that. So that was really the final rock bottom that I could hit, where I said, okay, I'm 35 years old now, I've been doing this for 15 years, give or take. It's not working. I mean, this plan of mine, I'm living, I'm I'm barely living a life. I'm not living a life that much meant to be living and I'm not enjoying and I'm struggling and I've got to do something different.
Speaker 3:And when we talked about that stigma for years, it was like you know, I people say what about therapy? And I'd like therapies for whims, therapies for losers. There, if you're sure, I'm not gonna sit there and have somebody judge me and I'm not gonna pay somebody sit there and judge me to all the things that I've done. I got it covered, thanks, but no thanks. And that's what I finally said.
Speaker 2:We all think that what happens in the house stays in the house era and I know that kind of didn't help either.
Speaker 3:Do very much so, very much so. And it was like people would see me and you know, again, it's our national, our natural disposition to judge a book by its cover like, oh, there's Jonathan, the international model, and you know, he's super fit. And I felt like a fraud because I felt like the person that they saw on the outside Was not who I was on the inside. I felt on the inside side I was broken, I was shattered, I was Empty, I was all these things and everybody would see, everybody, like, hey, what's up? And I'd be like, hey, great. And then I'd go home, be like like I can't, like I'd take the mascot and I was, I was. I can't realize that, like you know, I'm living this, this life, this, this life where it's not me. And so I dove into therapy and I meant I went to a therapist and I thought, for all the fruity years, was like I don't want to waste, waste money on it. Meanwhile I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Drugs and alcohol and all that kind of stuff. So I was like, oh, I think I can afford to Pitch a little bit over this way and for something. And it changed me. You know, it started to change my life, but it was.
Speaker 3:Things got heavy after that because I was unpacking 15 years of nicely placed, compartmentalized boxes of trauma and things that I hadn't dealt with, and I was. I got both offers put this over here and I'll forget about that and I'll push the sexual assault over here and I'll just put the eating disorder on top of that one, and they're kind of balancing. And then they started to fall man. They started like I started talking about that and I had no Distractions or substances to run to and it was heavy. But you know what I? I said to myself I am going to do this, and with my all or nothing mentality and with my Athletes mentality as well, I would say too, because I've been a athlete all my life and and I love the challenge of, like you know, being in the, in the game, and I still play hockey four times a week and and I just love playing sport but I always wanted to play against their best player, like if I was the best player, he's still fighting no, I'm not. No, I'm not, I'm not, I. I love the, I loved when I was on sports Scenes and stuff like that, and they'd be like okay, jonathan, your goal is their best player on their team is this person? I was like, okay, perfect, I want that challenge.
Speaker 3:So that's how I looked at it and I I was like, but it was Bleak and it was dark and it was, you know, I mean, I was just think there were so many other times I thought I get to take the easy way out. I can't do this and I would find a little bit of positivity. What, like that day? I would try and focus on the positive and, like I talk about a lot, like some days will seem bleak, empty, and like there's nothing to live for or nothing positive, and then I'll look over my dog and show this something silly and that will just be my little positivity for the day. That would be all I'd have to the day, but I would try and focus on that and I love that little dog. Like I like nobody's business because he got me out of the house and you know I had a responsibility when I picked her up, when I got her, that I was going to provide for her and give her the best life that I could. And you know, grow up in a farm, we learned that, like our animals are reliant upon us. It doesn't matter how you feel at day, it doesn't matter if it's minus 40 degrees, doesn't matter Whatever, you have to get up and do it. And she got me out of the house and she helped me so many times and she was my positivity for that day so many times. And then, more and more, my positivity started to grow and I had more things to look at. And it was still lots of heavy lifting in every day, as you guys know, is you know, some heavy lifting. There are gonna be good days and bad days, but it's you know. Try to just slowly focus on the positivity.
Speaker 3:And I remember when I was, when I would feel something positive or if I was feeling completely down, I would write myself like you can Go to the grocery store because I started having anxiety about everything and I would paste that on my wall. So every time I'd walk to my bathroom or my kitchen, I would see these little notes to myself and I've never said it before on any other podcast, but I would write these things and I write lists of things that I like you, you got this like, you can do this and you can beat this and this is not gonna beat you. And I need those affirmations because I wasn't telling anybody. I was very much again just doing it on my own, the way that I do things. But I was. I needed to see those things and needed to hear those things and need to hear them for myself. And lowly the tide started to turn.
Speaker 3:And I remember when I was in the thick of you know my drugs and stuff like that, and I told my dad I like I think I'm gonna move, I just need to change the scenery. And he said look, I don't know what you're going through. I know you're going through some stuff. I don't know what it is exactly. You can tell me as much as you want. I can't force you to tell me. But don't think that moving is gonna solve your problems, because your problems are gonna follow you no matter where you go. So if you're moving because you think that it's gonna solve your problems, forget that.
Speaker 3:So I really took that to heart and when I moved down to Texas, I was finally in a good enough place where I was moving towards opportunity and not running away from Anything anymore. I had done the work I'd done, you know, two and a half years, whatever it was, of intensive therapy and personal healing and learning and educating. And then I saw an opportunity to Try something new and, to you know, come down here and I was moving in a positive mindset towards an opportunity and towards a new adventure and towards a new Opportunity, and not running from my demons because, yeah, like I said, they follow you around. So that's kind of the long and the short of it, of what I've, yeah, what I've kind of been through, what brought me to where I'm at.
Speaker 2:I've heard about now and it's kind of I remember this story talking to a guy and they just it's just about you moving. I actually moved away recently. It been almost three years now that I moved to New York From Virginia and it was like my big change. It's kind of like when everything kind of got together for me too. I actually started really dealing with my mental health and I too had a therapist, even though she quit on me but yeah, I always just got to say that, just to make sure she watched. You know, like I, I didn't need you for real, but, but I wait to.
Speaker 2:But I was talking to somebody recently and he was addicted to heroin for 15 years and he moved away and was living in California. He was the other New Yorker and he lived in California, but he had to come back. So he came back to New York and he said as soon as he got off the subway he wanted heroin again. So he got his ass back on their train, got on a plane and went back to California. So sometimes it is that muscle memory. You know, sometimes I feel like you do kind of need to start over and move away or get out of certain situations, because that muscle memory won't waste you go anywhere, yeah, for sure you know. And, and it could be anything. It doesn't mean you have to move away from home, but it does take sometimes leaving something.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know, I totally agree with that, I totally agree with that. And I had, now that I'd done the work and gotten sober, but I didn't see a. It was very, you know, charles, a very expensive city and you know, I felt like I was stuck in that way, like getting back into the real estate market and looking at like you know how much, like doing well, making six figures, a barely like living paycheck, paycheck. I'm like what's going on here, like what? So I, you know that kind of yeah, it's, it's extremely expensive and Get to where we are now and like why I'm talking about this stuff now.
Speaker 3:And I said before that I wanted to like talk about forgiveness and and the biggest thing that I've learned in the last year, and the reason why I've started to talk about this stuff publicly, is because of I finally, within the last year, started to forgive myself and I forgive myself for, you know, becoming an alcoholic and, you know, going down the path of drug addict. I like doing, you know, drugs, addiction and stuff like that, because I would say I was just doing my best with what I could. I was trying. I didn't have like I didn't have all the tools, I didn't know all the like the right things to do, but I was trying my best with what I had and I can't put, you know, go back and change my past and I wouldn't change my path, because all of those things, as dark and as Bleak as they were, they've made me who I am today and I needed to go through all those things. But I've also forgiven myself for the things that have happened to me that are out of my control, like my mom passing away and like the sexual assault, because I didn't choose that. But I don't forgive the person, but I don't know the, I don't remember the person like I did such a good job at, like this associating, like I couldn't. They could walk by me today and I would know. But those are, you know, just unfortunate facts of life that are exactly that. They're facts of life, they're part of my life and they're part of what made me and I didn't choose that. But I forgive the fact that I went through that and that's okay because, again, it's, maybe it's brought me to where I am now and I don't know who I would be without all of those Things.
Speaker 3:And there are a lot of great times too, like throughout, for sure, but you know, there it's.
Speaker 3:It's that forgiving of myself and actually, like you know, when you know people tell you that, or people talk about like, oh yeah, people told me I need to go get help and stuff like that, and you're like, okay, whatever, whatever, or maybe people will go through the motions, go to rehab for somebody else, and it's not until you do things for yourself that it really sticks. And and with my quitting addictions and knowing that I was doing it for myself and with my forgiveness, and knowing that I had Truly an M forgiving myself, you know, that really has helped me immensely. And to be able to talk about these things and to to be able to admit to the things that I've been through and and the mistakes that I've made or things that have happened, and know that they don't change the person that I am today and I'm, you know, just working hard to try and be a good person and live I did life and and keep learning every day and, yeah, just do my best like everybody else, just a regular job.
Speaker 2:Definitely. I mean, we kind of have a scene here that I'm always the bet. I'm better today than I was five minutes ago. I'm better now than I was five minutes ago. It's yeah, I think you to grow. I feel like Rebecca, we didn't let that a whole notebook of like notes and stuff.
Speaker 4:But you know we've already touched on every.
Speaker 2:I was like Rebecca didn't get to ask a question.
Speaker 4:No, it's okay now. Everything that I had written down was already answered.
Speaker 2:Okay, I just wanted to make sure they show voices heard.
Speaker 4:Hey, my voice is heard.
Speaker 3:Okay, is there anything like that? Specifically like on podcast, people like want to ask you about like specific things. They're general icing, like anything like that. I did just talk about that you guys want to ask me about, or anything that like Dating, where you want to comment on, or like anything I don't know. Just I'm here in like you guys, I love your, your vibe and thanks.
Speaker 4:The only thing that came to my mind and I wasn't really even sure if I should ask because I was afraid it might be a bit Intrusive, I don't know. But see, the whole mom passing away thing is Kind of hits home with me as well, because my mom is gone too. But did you ever find yourself angry at her for passing? I mean, I know it's nothing she could do about it, but I know I find myself sometimes, even though my mom of course couldn't help Passing either. But I go through the grieving process even still. Every day. I think about her. Some days I'm like mom, why aren't you here? Or mom, why did you leave? You know, I have those moments where I'm just Did you ever have those?
Speaker 3:absolutely, and that's nobody's ever Asked me that, and I think it's something that like they could say that you just experienced and like we're in this club that, unfortunately, where our moms have passed away and we've experienced that and Interesting. You say that because, like I said, I've never at but, yes, absolutely. I mean there were so many things, like so many times where I was like you're not gonna see me get married, you're not going to, or I could really use your help with this, or whatever it was. So I, you know, I felt the whole spectrum of emotions with regards to, but there were absolutely times where it was like, yeah, like there were, there was misplaced Frustration or anger or whatever you want to call it where it was like, you know, I and I didn't never blame the situations that I got myself into on my mom and it her passing, because I, I know it was a Catalyst, but I made my choices after that.
Speaker 3:But you're actually right, like there were times where it was like and I could really use you right now and I could, I really Meed you or, you know, you don't get, I know that I, you know, I believe she was watching and she, you know, she never got to see me follow under footsteps and and you know model internationally and you know that kind of stuff and there's but yes, that's a cancer question. Absolutely yes, I did and it's uh, yeah, it's first time, as everybody's asked me, that that's the real. That's a really good song.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's tough for me to when we and whenever I hear anybody on our show talk about losing a mother or any sort of Breedance of any kind, that's it brings it up for me too, and it's it's a tough topic for me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, no, for sure, it is Sorry. I appreciate that and I'm sorry you did as well. It's, you know, there's no handbook, there's no guidebook and we all handle things differently, right, and you know, we just we, like I said, we try our best and and it's, it's just an unfortunate fact of our lives. That's, you know, that's what's happened to us and we could only go forward and and try to. I mean, there are other options, but we're not gonna take those options, we're gonna just try and do our best to keep moving forward.
Speaker 2:But yeah, there is definitely that, that feeling for sure, it's kind of these conversations that still makes me always think about God and the existence of a higher power, because I'm like you had somebody create me. Now I love them and I spend my whole life loving them, and then you take them away from me to hope that I see them in my next Lifetime or when I die, and those like that is true is he'll. But that's a different conversation and a different podcast.
Speaker 3:But no, I totally, I totally gave you saying and like I've had a lot of ins and outs about that with spirituality and stuff like that, but like, yeah, you're right, it is. It's hard to come to terms with these things and try to like make sense of it and You're like, wait, how's this what? Let's go down here. But I would know we do. We don't have it all figured out and you know we're just trying to get it all. You know, do our best as individuals to try and try to figure it out and Hold on to whatever we believe or whatever. You know what I just but it is a yeah, it is it definitely something that I've thought about that as well.
Speaker 2:It's about the journey and taking the journey.
Speaker 4:So what do you do now? For I mean, I know you do the houses, so you're you're flipping houses been out with personal training, your we know he does hockey for days we. Keep him busy. So that's the way you're handling all these emotions. Now you did the therapy, so you're in a good place.
Speaker 3:I am, I'm so. I actually really I just recently started going back therapy, probably about eight, nine months ago, something like that. Just more was like a check-in. Like when I went to therapy before it was like dire, like I need to learn how to live as a sober, functioning adult, because I've never been that like when the you know, from the date, the, the day that I was 21 till 35. There was always something so. But now it's more of like a check-in and Just the same way that I go to the gym six days a week and and play hockey for days a week and that kind of stuff.
Speaker 3:I think it's important to check in mentally and I have learned how to Function and keep better tabs on my addictive personality and live a more balanced life. That's what I need to learn how to do is live as learn to balance and it's balancing work because, yeah, I am still modeling and I'm, like, said, flipping houses and still training clients and I'm still, you know, physical activity is very important to me. It's a very I think it's important to me very mentally and like it's a very meditative thing to be out in the ice and just kind of be able to like check out and do that kind of stuff. But I was going to the gym six days a week, so I was playing hockey four days a week and I was running six miles a day and I was like, oh wait, a minute, there goes. Obsessive, jonathan, we got a. I think that my knees are telling me that the six mile a day, we don't need to do that like that's the song.
Speaker 3:I'm very cognizant of that and I I eat healthy and I enjoy eating healthy. But I also am a big believer and you have to live your life. Like Whatever I'm talking, what I I've always told my clients and I big believer, I don't think there's everything, this is things. A cheat meal eating implies you're doing something negative. You have to live your life and if you are having that cheat meal the whole time you're eating it, you're thinking I shouldn't be doing this, I'm cheating, I'm doing bad, I'm being bad, like no. It's like if you want a three-way roll up three o'clock in the morning, that's a different story. No, okay.
Speaker 2:I'm a single. Wait, what's a single thing got to do with it? I'm single, I have any sex. So they say that won't look well. Lisa's the same endorphins, there's extra.
Speaker 4:Box. That's written on the box.
Speaker 3:Yeah, right for the really really fine print. They're really fine print, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm still trying to figure it all out right, and it's why I figured out I don't want to be intimate with nobody, so I need something to be intimate with, and me who tell you how bad it is, though only for sure I was doing a tiktok video, of making a tiktok video, and it wasn't like watching it a week later that I had like Rappers all around my neck. But I wanted to say something before we go, because so I'm you. You were saying that Toronto was expensive, right, but, but in my mind or for some reason, I heard trauma is expensive.
Speaker 3:Oh, well, that's for sure, and that's that should be a shirt.
Speaker 2:T shirt right and I was like that. It's kind of like the basis of this is basically you know, you know it's kind of like you said, here you are, you know modeling, but yet you live at paycheck, paycheck. But it was dealing with your trauma that you were kind of like. You know kind of being wasteful. I'm gonna say wasteful, but you know it's still being wasteful. So it was like I think that's kind of like a big takeaway from this episode. Trauma is expensive and until you started dealing with the trauma, you always gonna be broke.
Speaker 3:It's very sure a lot of ways, yeah, broken physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, and it's, you know, it's the Toronto accent, people from Toronto. We don't say Toronto, we say Toronto. We don't pronounce the second T, so I kind of sounds like trauma. But Toronto, like Toronto, if you like, if you're from Toronto, that's the way you say Toronto. But you're absolutely right. I mean it is Extremely and it's, you know that becomes your priority because that's your only outlet to To, to help with the demons that are inside of you and and and you're you're dealing with mentally and stuff like that is Is to find that money and I always had money for for that. I mean, I skipped a few meals, I'm sure, but I always had money for my vices, because you know your priorities and where your priorities stand and stuff like that. But yeah, trauma is expensive. Let's, let's collab on the T of the t-shirts.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm with you because, even though you didn't make it, I made it. But I miss her juice. So I guess I cut you in three crystal. You got me crystal. Crystal's witness, crystal's witness. Look, first of all, it was just good. Out of everything you said, all she heard was that you weren't married, and she was yes.
Speaker 3:No, I one day I hope to be. But that's the thing too is like I've gone through so many people like, oh, are you married? It's like, well, I've got there's so many phases of my life and got there's so many things where, like, I dated people and, and you know, been through different relationships when I was in different places, and Sometimes I just need somebody to get high with, sometimes I needed to be on my own or whatever. And you know, I think it's. I'm a big believer and you'd have to be, have to learn to become the best version of yourself. For work on being best version of yourself and you'll attract that kind of a person. And you know, I'm just trying to do my thing and I just didn't know that she was sitting behind the camera in. I'm sitting here.
Speaker 2:So, and we don't have no problem coming to Texas, but we got to go together because we don't know you. Oh, we got.
Speaker 3:Not negotiable.
Speaker 4:You guys are all coming out and that's just an excuse, because I think you're a great guy and I've never even met you.
Speaker 2:Um, he is like the main one that says you can't judge a book by a scope.
Speaker 4:Okay, true.
Speaker 2:But no, I, you know it's kind of funny because we wouldn't talk to 20 years ago. You were a person that I probably would have hated because I would have hit myself. No, because you know what. I grew up, right? No, but me, to me it was the fact that I always grew up and I was a feminine boy and always known as pretty, and I didn't play sports and I was masculine enough. So no one invited me to play sports and you know, I kind of went through those things.
Speaker 2:And then, as I got older, I found out that I was really sick and sickly and even now, like I have a hypothalamus issue, so my body overheats. So even now, like my doctor's like you're probably like the first person I've ever had to tell do not work out Really. So to me, for years I've all wanted to be a regular guy and it wasn't until my healing stays that I'm like I'm dope as shit. But you know it took a long time to get there, yeah, so I guess in my own way, I kind of went through a whole phase. I think we all do. We all go through those phases. I wanted to ask was there anything that you wanted to say to our audience that we didn't let you say no, not really.
Speaker 3:I mean, I really appreciate you guys having me on and I'm really Uh thankful to be able to be a part of what you guys are doing and what you're you're doing, you're doing so well with, and just want to like congratulate you guys on on that and, you know, very genuinely say thank you for letting me be a part of it. And you know, I love, I love meeting new people like yourselves and connecting and having these conversations and, and you know, back to the stuff we talked about regards our mom, you know that was really like something I'm gonna, I'll take away a lot from this conversation, but that was something that I hadn't really thought of or or, you know, brought up in a long time and I appreciate that, uh, for you for doing that, because it is something that I'd forgotten, that I had felt and I'm glad that I've been reminded of that. You know, I'm very glad that I've, uh, you know, been able to and I I love the way you guys are doing your show and it's, you know, life's too short to not have fun and I think that, like when we're talking about serious stuff, and we're talking about serious issues and stuff like that, like we can still, you know, find that, that, you know, let's have some fun with it and let's, you know, let's keep it light and and have, uh and have some fun too. So I really do appreciate that part of it, because a lot of the podcasts I do are very, you know, very, uh, very serious, very, you know very, very much. But, yeah, just I appreciate you guys and I want to Connect with as many people as possible.
Speaker 3:I love hearing from people. I love learning from people. Like, opening up, like this has given me the opportunity to, first of all, I don't think I have it all figured out, like first, let me like, like I said before with regards to drinking, I'm not, like I'm still trying to figure it out use my story as if you're going through something. Maybe there's something you can take from it, some tools that I've learned, or use it as a do not do this Like daily from that path. Let me save you 15, 20 years Like don't do that. But it's been wonderful connecting with people and learning from them and connecting on social media, and People were reaching out and messaging and learning and just for the the genuine sake of wanting to help your fellow human. It's, it's a wonderful thing.
Speaker 2:You know, like to now in season three, one of a big thing for us is that we're focusing on love, self, love, love for self. So we did want to get your take on that and, uh, just give our audience something on some love.
Speaker 3:I see, it all starts with self loves and you know, like I think there's a big difference between loving yourself and being in love with yourself, and I think that's a big thing. That's that's happening with regards to social media and the narcissism and the you know, the putting out the picture of perfection that's going on and everybody you know getting the external Validation and stuff like that and being in love with themselves. But I think it's a very important thing to love yourself and to Forgive yourself when you make mistake, make mistakes, but love yourself, take care of yourself, whatever that looks like for you, but don't fall in love with yourself, because that's a very dark, that's another, that's a whole different way to go with it, and there's there is a line of self love and In love with self, and I think that what you guys talking about self love is important to like. Yeah, no, that was actually pretty dope.
Speaker 4:You did the answers is over there swooning like.
Speaker 2:I just I see how that you're gonna be followed by her in five minutes, okay.
Speaker 3:It's good, I'm guarding. I'm going and checking your followers right now. You follow me outside, I don't. It was important thing because I I put out my social media version of what I wanted into into the world and that's fine, so a very private person. But I felt it was important for me to let down that veil and I I'm not pretending that everything's protect perfect and I wasn't trying to before. I just didn't think that people had access to, and people still don't have access to, certain things.
Speaker 3:I'm I'm very proud of some other things, but that whole idea of you know just the real, like what people are actually going through and not everything that glitters isn't necessarily gold, and you know just being real and Loving yourself and, again, not being in love with yourself and not looking for external validation. Get your validation from the person you see in the mirror and the people that are around you, the people who are your Rider dies and not, like you know, random people are hitting the like button. That's, that's cool and all, but when it comes down to it, if you get sick, you know who's going to be there for you, who's going to be there with you, who are you like, who are your people? So right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we kind of say the same thing. I mean, we started this podcast, we're like I don't care of just one person watches, you know, as long as you can just help one person. But it's kind of like you said, it starts with self-love, making sure that you have you have a safe place and that if you need help you seek it. At most likely you need help with something, so go seek it. Yeah, because, remember, jalma is expensive.
Speaker 3:She's always expensive. Copyright trademark.
Speaker 4:Oh, I'm. I thank you for being on here. It was great chatting with you and great hearing your story, and I'm glad you're doing a lot better and I'm sure every someone out there will have benefited from your story.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely, and we'll stay in contact and keep track of you, because we're healing as well, so you know what we're this thing together. Once again, thank you so much, donna Ben. Thank you, guys, guys, for watching, and we appreciate you.
Speaker 5:And with that we're wrapping up another episode of the fucking feelings podcast. Thank you all for tuning in and engaging in another intense and real discussion on understanding and navigating through our feelings. Don't forget we're here each Wednesday bringing you brand new episodes filled with stories, advice and Perspectives to help you handle those fucking feelings. So set a reminder on your calendar, grab your headphones and join us every week. And if you're interested in exploring more ways to deal with life stresses, make certain to tune in to our sister podcast. Trauma is expensive. Dive deep into discussions on managing trauma, building resilience and fostering healing, with new episodes dropping every Monday. Make sure to subscribe, rate and comment on both podcasts on your favorite podcast platform. Remember, each comment and rating can catapult us further towards reaching those individuals who could really use our discussions. Your feedback is invaluable. Before we close, we want to remind you that discussing feelings is never a sign of weakness but a display of courage. Stay brave, stay strong and keep feeling those fucking feelings Until next week. Take care and keep the conversation going.