Amanda Kirkland, once a titan in real estate development, now charts a course through the murky depths of toxic relationships and self-liberation as our esteemed guide. Her candid revelations about being the outlier in a family entangled with narcissism, and her triumph over an eating disorder, provide a beacon of hope for those grappling with similar shadows. Her transformation into a coach has not only been a journey of personal redemption but an opportunity to equip others with the knowledge to recognize and disarm dysfunctional dynamics.
Together, we traverse the labyrinth of the unconscious mind, unearthing the roots of our most profound emotional responses. We pull back the curtain on the subtle art of boundary setting, necessary for safeguarding our wellbeing in the face of soul-draining connections, from manipulative bosses to friends who've overstayed their welcome in our hearts. Our conversation is an ode to the diversity of healing paths, a recognition that each of us must navigate our own way through the healing process—often messy, always personal, and unequivocally ongoing.
As we wrap up, we delve into the intricacies of the healing odyssey, from the catharsis of quantum release to the eye-opening revelations of family patterns. Amanda's three-year tenure as a coach brims with insights into the bittersweet symphony of human resilience—humorously punctuated with tales of late-night fruit roll-up indulgences. This episode is a testament to the relentless pursuit of peace and self-love, a reminder that while trauma may shape us, it does not have to define us. Join us in this heartfelt exploration, where every narrative is honored, every step toward self-discovery celebrated.
https://www.amandakirkland.com/
Amanda Kirkland, once a titan in real estate development, now charts a course through the murky depths of toxic relationships and self-liberation as our esteemed guide. Her candid revelations about being the outlier in a family entangled with narcissism, and her triumph over an eating disorder, provide a beacon of hope for those grappling with similar shadows. Her transformation into a coach has not only been a journey of personal redemption but an opportunity to equip others with the knowledge to recognize and disarm dysfunctional dynamics.
Together, we traverse the labyrinth of the unconscious mind, unearthing the roots of our most profound emotional responses. We pull back the curtain on the subtle art of boundary setting, necessary for safeguarding our wellbeing in the face of soul-draining connections, from manipulative bosses to friends who've overstayed their welcome in our hearts. Our conversation is an ode to the diversity of healing paths, a recognition that each of us must navigate our own way through the healing process—often messy, always personal, and unequivocally ongoing.
As we wrap up, we delve into the intricacies of the healing odyssey, from the catharsis of quantum release to the eye-opening revelations of family patterns. Amanda's three-year tenure as a coach brims with insights into the bittersweet symphony of human resilience—humorously punctuated with tales of late-night fruit roll-up indulgences. This episode is a testament to the relentless pursuit of peace and self-love, a reminder that while trauma may shape us, it does not have to define us. Join us in this heartfelt exploration, where every narrative is honored, every step toward self-discovery celebrated.
https://www.amandakirkland.com/
You don't have to be positive all the time. It's perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared and anxious. Having feelings doesn't make you a negative person. It doesn't even make you weak. It makes you human and we are here to talk through it all. We welcome you to these fucking feelings podcasts, A safe space for all who needs it. Grab a drink and take a seat. The session begins now.
Speaker 2:What is up guys? Welcome to these fucking feelings podcasts. I am Micah, Got my girl Rebecca here with me and our special guest Amanda Kirkland.
Speaker 3:Yes, Amanda Kirkland.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, yes, yes.
Speaker 3:Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Both of like. I don't think you pronounced that wrong and actually until I was reading a little bit about you I didn't realize that. I guess it's Mandy, short for Amanda the people do that.
Speaker 4:That is pretty much the only short and why my bio says Amanda, never Mandy is. My parents told me the whole time I was growing up that there was an incident when I was I don't know when I say yay, hi, I was four or five and somebody went to call me Mandy and I put my hands on my hips and looked up and said my name's not Mandy, it's Amanda.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:Now, in hindsight, I don't know how you know valid the story was or how much it was exaggerated, because here I was just probably a cute little kid and the story was told to me in a negative way.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 4:I've never. I've never really been fond of it for for some reason yeah.
Speaker 3:I do a lot of.
Speaker 2:Amanda's, and I knew a lot of Mandy's, but never an Amanda who was called Mandy. So when I read that, I was like come on. I was like come on, it was pretty weird. Anyway, Amanda, one thing we like to do here is we're going to ask you to introduce yourself to our audience, just because I don't want to leave nothing out.
Speaker 4:Okay, I am in Ontario, canada, for your listener audience. It's always neat to know that you've got like you're all over the place. And I was in real estate development for 30 some odd years and the end of a project I was working on was coming to an end. I had to decide whether to keep doing what I was doing or find something else to do, and it looked like trying to stay in the business I wasn't going to be able to have the same position, seniority, income, et cetera. So I started venturing down a road of looking into sort of a business that I could run myself, a service that I could offer, things that I was good to do. And then I ended up working with a coach on a business idea, and little did I know that a lot of the work was centered around personal growth, not just the business aspect of things, and she was coaching coaches and that's not what I originally wanted to do.
Speaker 4:Anyway, long story short, through the work I did with her and my other training with Avalon Empowerment and all the personal work I did on myself, I realized that I had been struggling with dysfunctional interpersonal relationships my whole life, be it family, in the workplace, sometimes with friends and they caused me to have to be battling and struggling, and I'm going to say fighting and trying to change situations and change people, not realizing that it was more about me not trying to change people and me trying to look at things from a different perspective, and it didn't mean that they were faultless, but I needed to control the outcome, or not control the outcome, but just control how I responded and not react to things.
Speaker 4:So now I'm coaching I guess long story I'm coaching women and a few men who are struggling with dysfunctional and toxic relationships. I'm using my hard-lived experience and training to help them avoid a lot of the struggles I went through, and in a short period of time, because it took me until 56 to figure this out or 52 or 53 to figure it out. So I want someone in their 20s, 30s, 40s not to end up having all the light bulbs go on and the puzzle come together halfway through their life.
Speaker 3:What were some of those experiences that you had gone through?
Speaker 4:Well, I was the black sheep in the scapegoat and the family. I had an eating disorder when I was in my early 20s Probably now, with all the pieces I put together, that was manifested just by dysfunction in the family. My mother exhibited a lot of, I'm going to say, covert narcissistic characteristics and when you're trying to piece all that together when you're 50-some-years-old you're like oh, it wasn't me and I wasn't the crazy one, and I mean I don't want to say I don't let you use that word but there wasn't really anything wrong with me to start, but because of the, I guess, tools or lack of tools my parents had during the time, I must have been at some point reacting to things and they didn't have the tools to support me. So it sort of, I guess, manifested in me being the one with the problem, me being the unhappy one.
Speaker 2:So now that you work with people in toxic relationships, is that because you feel like that's an area that's not really covered?
Speaker 4:No, I think it is an area that's really covered, I think. In terms of coaching, no, I'm not a medical professional, but I've been through all of it and I'm on the other side of it and I've got trauma-aware training and I've got a lot of tools with my ENLP certification and quantum time release and change process and with my clients. I mean, I did talk therapy for years. It got me through the days but it didn't peel back the onion and get to, I guess, the root cause of why I was struggling. And that came down to.
Speaker 4:You know I work with the unconscious mind a lot and the unconscious mind is from your neck down and that 90% of your body is stores in its cellular memory everything that's been said to you, done to you, every experience you've had, everything you've said you've done, and it just all compounds itself together and creates the lens through which you see the world and the way you react and walk around in it.
Speaker 4:And when I started doing the work on myself, I started to understand. You know how I was getting triggered by certain people and situations and why, and you know when my clients come to me, one of the things that you know I like to stress, the other guy may be the bad guy, but at some point in time we need to take responsibility of how we may also have contributed to the situation. Like I said, every situation is different. I'm not making a blanket statement, but you know, I know, when I had, you know, a narcissistic boss, who was bosses who were, you know, verbally and mentally abusive towards me, my tactic would be, you know, either to go in and be completely emotional which got used against me because I was eating, sorry, feeding right into their hands or, you know, sort of calling the motor, poking the bear, and I was doing all the wrong things and I was trying to change them and get them to come around to my way of thinking and, like now, like I'm not wasting my energy on that.
Speaker 2:I'm glad I'm not a bad boy.
Speaker 4:Okay, I've always been a very dedicated, honest, hardworking employee or consultant, almost well to the point where you know and it was, I'm going to say, criticized for taking my job too personally and having too much personal involvement and pride in what I was building and developing, and like who wouldn't want that in someone?
Speaker 2:I think we get criticized for that, like every day.
Speaker 4:Being passionate about what you do.
Speaker 2:It's pretty crazy. Now we talk about toxic. Toxic doesn't necessarily have to be like and like you know.
Speaker 4:I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:So we're saying, like when we use the word toxic, it doesn't have to be like you know, like you talk about abuse, like a toxic supposed to be a lot of.
Speaker 4:It's. You know it's it's. I have a Facebook post running right now and it says the silent treatment is toxic behavior. And it's interesting because it's it's an ad and I myself, with social media ads I mean I'm not social media all the time but with ads I pretty much delete them or like don't want to see again this has generated a lot of sort of back and forth and conversations and an ad and I've had some people quite, you know, angry and and say you know well, if I'm giving some on the silent treatment because I don't want to engage, then it's not toxic behavior.
Speaker 4:And I'm trying to explain that in the post and the scenario it was being used against me, right, like I was being given the silent treatment by somebody and I was desperate, like to have a conversation and they just refused and it was kind of crazy making. So you know, it doesn't have to be like a horrendous abuse. It can be someone giving the silent treatment, ignoring you, you know, ghosting you, accusing you of something, telling you. You're making it up in your head, right, you know threats. I go back and forth with using the word toxic sometimes because I didn't know that that was the, I guess at the end of the day, the theme of where my struggles were was toxic and dysfunctional relationships. So you know, I wanna be able to educate my clients too, or people who are reading what I write in advance so that they know what the red flags are.
Speaker 2:Right, oh, sorry, I thought Rebecca has something for me.
Speaker 3:Well, I know, go ahead.
Speaker 2:So what is something that people can look into or try to notice in order to figure out? How that they're in the picture Like how would a person recognize like I might be in a toxic relationship?
Speaker 4:I'm verbal abuse. You know name calling, insults, belittling, gaslighting, where you start to doubt. You know what you've done and what you said and that kind of makes you start second guessing yourself. You know isolating being isolated from friends and family.
Speaker 4:I know that I remember telling a friend a number of years ago that he'd already moved X distance away and I was concerned about him moving further out of the city with his then spouse because I'd seen it happen in my own parents' relationship that you know, my father became more and more isolated from his friends in the outside world. You know, when they got out of the big city into a small town Silent treatment is something I've mentioned. You know I was talking to a potential client yesterday and another one the day before and they had both gotten out of well, one had been, I'm gonna say, dumped and the other one had exited herself from relationships. But they also wanted the closure with a person, right, and they wouldn't get it, which you know, we all know it's like sending an email out like or a text Like, can't you just, even if it's one of those thumbs up, yeah, does that give you a bit of a?
Speaker 2:No, definitely. And then also can it be, I guess, like avoiding, can't avoiding kind of be toxic, like people who don't want to talk about things. They don't want to talk things through and avoid.
Speaker 4:Absolutely. And you know withholding affection, blame shifting. You know threats.
Speaker 2:Right Now. Is it the thought that these are relationships you need to get out of, or are some of them okay to try to work through?
Speaker 4:I, you know that's a good question. I'm only going to speak from my personal experience, and this is I'm being completely honest. I think that there are some people that it doesn't matter what you do, Right, it's not going to change. And I mean we can't. You know, they say people aren't broken, but you know we can't fix and take responsibility for somebody else's behavior, Right, you know, the problem is, is not everybody is, I'm going to say financially and I'm going to say emotionally, in a position to be able to? Just, you know, my solution is not just get up and walk out Like it's not that easy.
Speaker 4:But if you need to stay in a certain situation for a short period, a long period of time, you know there are steps you can take. You know, and it's just the way you start addressing things, your communication style can change. You start setting boundaries if it's safe to do so, Right. But like I said, in some situations, you know, I would definitely not take on something that was, you know where I saw some danger going on there, Right? Or would I advise a client to start, you know, standing up for themselves and setting firm boundaries when they've explained to me that their partner has a, you know, angry streak, so to speak.
Speaker 2:Oh, your clients can be someone who's currently in this situation and they're trying it out.
Speaker 4:Yes, and you know a lot of it is doing work on self and building confidence. Because when you're in those sorts of situations, you know you think you're always the one that's done something wrong. Right, your confidence, you know, isn't the highest and you know you need someone to sort of guide you on that journey and keep you accountable for the changes you're trying to make in your life. Right, and you know I call a strategy is how you sort of handle a certain situation. And they say, how you do one thing is how you do everything. Well, if you're doing one thing and it's not working, we need to come up with something new and you need to practice that over and over and over. And then you're going to journal me and tell me you know, this happened today and I use this new strategy and this happened, et cetera.
Speaker 3:So so you do therapy for relationships, obviously, as we've been talking about, but do you focus on individual people and where they're going with their own personal growth, as in just? A relationship with self.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it is relationship with self and you know I have done some group master classes. I prefer doing the one on one. Right, I like doing the podcast, even though I'm not the best speaker in the world. I think I've done about 46 this year, Okay.
Speaker 3:Wow, that's incredible.
Speaker 4:So it's a new muscle I'm building. Like you know, I've been in the situations, like I said, I've got the training et cetera, but it's it's. You know, I've pivoted Right. But I also realized that if that many people have been interested, like I'm not here to tell my story, I'm just here to show that you know my little catchphrase you can go from toxic to terrific. Like if I look back two years, three years, four years, like the things that have happened and fallen into place since I started on this journey and I was already working on stuff before Right, it's like it's life changing, the shifts that have happened. It's pretty cool.
Speaker 2:So now, to a person who's watching, I'm gonna ask you to give some advice, right? Because I, you know, my best friend paid in a relationship for two years alcoholic. She believed in finding somebody else.
Speaker 4:Sorry, you said alcoholic. She broke up a little bit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had a best friend who was in a relationship for two years and she was in a relationship with an alcoholic and basically she was an alcoholic but she didn't want to be cared of being by herself. So you know, it was like she knew she was in a bad relationship but she still felt like she couldn't be by herself. What would you say to someone like her?
Speaker 4:I don't think there's much you can say until she hits the point where she realizes there's an accent point. I mean you can listen, you can be there, you can support and you know I think it's listening and being there because, like I said, you can't change other people. You can't change her.
Speaker 4:Not wanting to leave this person, you know, I had, I had, a very, very close friend while he's still a close friend who will be four years sober next month, and we actually just had an exchange yesterday and he was thanking me and patting me on the back for sticking around and I'm like I've got to be honest, I deserve that pat on the back because it was not like he was doing something about it. But I said it wasn't easy and I had, there were some very uncomfortable times and I had to take steps back and but all that said, I had people telling me like, oh, so you're going to distance himself or you're going to cut him off or you're going to do this, and I wasn't open to hearing that. A couple of times it got to the point where it was ready to like walk off. But I admit that may not be the answer you want if she's safe in terms of like physically and mentally, you know, but I think if you can be there for her, yeah, I was using a example.
Speaker 2:She finally eventually got over it, but I felt like it took a lifetime. She's in a pretty good relationship, but it was just the example I thought about because I'm not very difficult, be crazy and I wanted to say, yeah, she was about to not be safe with me.
Speaker 4:Sorry, what was that?
Speaker 2:I said she was about to not be safe with me.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and it is really difficult. And I mean all that said, I had the longest friend I've had in my entire life and I finally had enough and said something and she just exited and that was it, and I was the bad guy. Yeah.
Speaker 3:So it came to me too. Pardon me. The same sort of thing happened to me.
Speaker 4:Really.
Speaker 3:It sucks. It was a very toxic relationship. It was all those things that we kind of talked about and finally, just one day, it was like I don't know, it came to a head, so to speak. We haven't spoken since, and are you the bad guy? Yeah, yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:I haven't cut nobody off yet, but I feel like maybe I'll get there soon.
Speaker 3:I didn't mean to get it cut off.
Speaker 4:No it happened.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and I didn't in that instance, but in hindsight, whether it was in the boardroom with a friend, I would definitely approach things in a different way, and I know I'd basically had it up to here. So when this incident happened, I finally went. I've just had a bleep and perp. Well, I can say it on here, I've had a fucking awesome day, Right, and I'm like you just hijacked my entire night. I'm not letting you do that again. And she snapped. That's the exact thing that came out of my mouth and I know I shouldn't have said it that way. I should have somehow, you know the next day, said you know what, when it comes to the guys you're dating from now on, you know I'm setting boundaries. This is what we discuss. This is what we don't. You keep asking for advice and turning around and do the opposite thing. I can't take it anymore. You know it's drama and laid it out like that, it still probably would have gone over like a lead balloon, but Of course, Like I don't know.
Speaker 2:I always say those were like the friendships that weren't real. It was something that complimented you know, it was like something about you that complimented her in a way. It's just my opinion.
Speaker 4:Yeah, and I started doing this different work and I don't think I was as receptive energetically to some of that stuff. You know which happens. I know you mentioned not like having not like left situations or people. You know, in the case of my parents and one sibling, I've been estranged for 10 years and it was self-preservation Right and not everyone can do that. It's certainly not widely accepted either. I was financially in the position and of an age that I could do it, but again, you know that was 10 years ago but the load kept getting lighter and lighter and lighter and lighter.
Speaker 2:I don't like light in my load because I'm kind of like an empath and I take on a lot of energies and situations. But it's really hard for me. You know, I'm a lot kind of like you're the example you use, like every day for me is just a good day. I'm just one of those people, you know, like I really don't have any personal stress. A lot of my stress comes from everybody else, you know, and their stress, you know.
Speaker 2:And I think about yesterday, halloween. I dressed up for Halloween and it was a real cool day and it was just kind of cool and I liked my outfit and I thought I looked fabulous. But like everybody around me was breaking down and crying and having these attacks and I'm like I don't want to answer the phone, Like I don't want to deal with this shit. I just want to have my great day, go to sleep and wake up tomorrow having another great day. You know, but sometimes part of me like I feel guilty about wanting that freedom of life and it's I'm working on it, I'm a work in progress.
Speaker 4:And you know what? I know one thing that, like I've worked very hard to create what I have right now and I know for years and years it was a criticism again. It was like you just want this perfect little world and everything to, and it's like that's not the way the world works. And now I'm like you know what.
Speaker 4:I've actually got it and I have had two people reach out to me who, like I said, I've estranged myself. Anyway, they've reached out and one was thinking it was time to just rekindle and carry on and the other was kind of like, am I still blocked? You know, I'd like to keep in touch and I didn't realize in it not that I need validation for what I did but it physically made me feel sick, scared, threatened, that someone was going to come in and shake up what you already have, what I already have. Now I mean someone could say, well, does it mean you've healed from all of it and you're okay with all of it? We're still human beings at the end of the day.
Speaker 4:Like you know, it's easy to say don't get triggered by that, don't get triggered, but to have the tools not to get taken out of the game. Like I know, I would get taken out of the game, for you know, whether it's a week, a month, I'd have to talk to everybody about it and discuss it. And now it's kind of like, okay, this happened. This is how I feel. Okay, if your body just went into that automatic, almost like you know what was it. It was like a trauma response? Definitely, and I've never really admitted, you know, because I don't think what I went through was really as bad as a lot of people's stories. But I guess it's all relative right.
Speaker 2:It is, it is. And that's one of the big things that we see here Trauma is trauma. There's no scale, Like if there's no scale to sin and there's no scale to trauma. You know, you know, but yeah.
Speaker 3:A situation with my sister, actually kind of relationships that I had to pull back from. She and I tried to build the relationship back up because you know she is my sister. But over time it's much like you kind of when I see her calling or I know that she's trying to reach out, it's like that little I don't know.
Speaker 2:Right, I feel like a long little feeling of no.
Speaker 3:What's this gonna bring into my life? So it's funny you say that, because I never really figured out what it was that was happening when I would. It's just that little trauma from the situations we've she put me through not too long ago. So that's interesting. That that's probably. Yeah, I mean it was.
Speaker 4:I mean, it was an email from my dad. I, like I said, I'm an open book. I never say I had a great upbringing, didn't want for anything, but I didn't have the emotional support I needed, right, and I think that they did the best they could with the tools they had, but at the end of the day I got to figure it out on my own and take care of myself. And yes, they were my parents, but you know, you do you and I'm gonna do me. But when I, it was him that had reached out and him and my sister both did, because I found out my mother had died this summer and, like I said, we'd been estranged for 10 years. So the timing of it is after that. It's like, oh okay, so she's gone, so now we can carry on.
Speaker 4:But when I saw the email and all it said is I saw his name and it said am, I'm still blocked. First thing that went through my mind is I never blocked you. Second, get off my screen right now and I put it in a file that does say dad on it, which I should get rid of, but anyway. And I kind of just sat on it. And then, a couple of hours later, when we'd finished for the day, I was talking to my boyfriend and I went to tell him and all of a sudden my hand started shaking and my whole body. I had a physical reaction to it and I was like, yeah, there's something up there.
Speaker 4:So, rebecca, you know, if that makes you like, I remember when I was just doing the original, like a string or leading up to it and setting boundaries, and the dread of seeing the phone go with one of their names come up like it was terrifying. And I'm not suggesting you were terrified, but you know, go with your gut and tread gently. You know, I know when one sister tried to I don't know what she was trying to do, but my other sister kind of said you're called the crazy aunt, don't trust her. So just protect yourself, definitely.
Speaker 2:I'm not for sure. I just get it every time. It doesn't matter who it is. I managed truckers we both do, actually And-. So are you managed Truckers, truckers.
Speaker 4:Yep.
Speaker 2:And anytime they call me and it is not normal work hours, it's like my heart starts pumping and I'm like oh God, and I think of every worst possible situation. I don't know why we do that to ourselves sometimes, but it's like you letting the phone ring, just answer it and find out what's going on. You know, But-.
Speaker 4:Well, and that said, when I got one of the original email from my sister and it was on LinkedIn, I wasn't gonna respond to it, I was gonna go silent treatment. And then I had a discussion with Sean about it and he's like, if you do that, you're gonna wait till the other shoe drops, right. So I'm kind of probably in that same position with the email, like, but I don't want to engage, I don't want that back in my life. Yeah, and if I sent the message to her, surely he has it? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, right, that makes sense.
Speaker 4:So just a funny not a funny aside, but let's call her my sister from another mister. There's a funny story there, but not for today. She actually was. She just sent me a photo the other day. She was a truck driver in Australia, but she sent me a picture of this truck and it was the front cab and I think four more. So it was like I did the math on it and I'm like, is that like a 32 or 48 wheeler? And this is a woman? I mean, she's a tough one, but it was. Yeah, it was well, it's an 18 wheeler, it's a front cab and the back piece. And then there were two more 18 wheelers behind it and that's what she used to drive. Jeez.
Speaker 3:That's crazy. Yeah. Sheesh.
Speaker 2:Oh, no, girl, but I couldn't be one. I couldn't be in a car that long. It just drives me crazy. Some of these guys do like 12 hours a day and I'm like he has got a turkey fluther.
Speaker 3:He has windshield yesterday. So we mean, oh really, lord, anything comes out of the sky at these guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and this is the second time that we actually had someone who had a turkey through their window. Oh my God.
Speaker 3:This truck. So anything happens in these days.
Speaker 2:So I know you talk a lot about love as well, and we're kind of focusing season three on love. So why do you incorporate that? Why is it so important in the work that you do?
Speaker 4:I'm not quite following.
Speaker 2:Love. Like you talk a lot about love. I've seen a lot about love on your website and just in things to talk about. I guess is it self, love Self love. Self love.
Speaker 4:Yeah, sorry, I was like huh.
Speaker 2:Oh, I was like what's the word Self like self, kinda love.
Speaker 4:Yeah, no, it is. I mean we've got to take care of ourselves before we can and be like healthy in mind and body and spirit and soul so that we go out into the world and we spread that energy, versus us bringing toxic, negative energy out. Like I'm sure there's a lot of people that didn't want to be around me and were sick and tired of hearing me go on, but I've just recently moved out of the city into a smaller neighborhood and I'm seeing the way I'm being received by other people now, like, in particular, other women, and I'm like this never happened before. I was at a networking event and there to promote business but also make connections, and I had two women just reach out to me after that were like I wanna have a coffee in person and didn't get to chat much, and I was like, okay, this is happening to me now and I have nothing shitty to discuss.
Speaker 4:Like technically, everything's good. I mean I had a few challenging months just moving from living with someone for the first time to like then buying together and moving in together, and it wasn't someone moving into my space and there was finance. So I was like I was hitting all sorts of stuff, but I'm processing it all differently for the most part and yeah, just so I guess the self-love and the self-care. It's like I invested a lot of time and money in myself. I'm not and it was accidental, I didn't set out to do it, but it's the best thing I did.
Speaker 4:Definitely that's great yeah, I agree, yeah for sure.
Speaker 3:I've been chomping at the bit to ask about and I don't mean to change the subject suddenly One of those things that happens in my mind yeah, sit on something for so long, cause that's just me, anyway the quantum release, time release and the quantum change process. I have just been dying to know exactly what that is, or more about that.
Speaker 4:A lot of it is was work with the unconscious mind. The quantum time release is basically it's a script and I guide the clients through sort of a journey and it's a bit of a. You're releasing negative emotions and limiting decisions and your unconscious mind won't release anything until it knows it's safe and you're ready to start handling it. So when you're releasing, without getting into the nitty gritties, you know you're going sort of floating up with your eyes closed and out into the, the beautiful universe, and there's an event and it doesn't have to be a specific event, but it's like you know I learned. When you're talking about releasing anger, for example, so it could be, there was a situation and it just brings awareness to stuff that you may not have had awareness.
Speaker 4:And then the quantum change process is the same sort of like a bit of a meditative journey where we're going through your family of origin, significant love relationships and it's forgiveness work. So not what's the right word, not saying that their behavior was excusable, but it's, you know, saying you made me feel, and then I forgive you for, and looking at it from the perspective that there was a reason. The person behaved that way. So all of it is just what your unconscious decides it's going to come up with. So it's. It lightens the load because when you come out of it you know there's a lot of stuff you've probably said and feelings you had and that you're in a safe space releasing.
Speaker 3:I hope that answers your question. It absolutely does.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm going to tell you what it did for me, right? I'm watching this show on Hulu called the clearing. Yeah, have you heard of heard about it, or watch?
Speaker 4:I don't know if I have, but it is a clearing process.
Speaker 2:Right, but this is kind of negative. It's like it's kind of crazy to put them both together, but it just made me kind of doing a yoga class and it was kind of like a woman in power type of yoga class. You know, like, don't let men do this and don't is it? Stop letting people you know make choices for you.
Speaker 4:Yeah, this isn't anything like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I know, but it got to a point where they were like meditating and she told her. She says, think of something, like think of your paradise, think about what your happiness will look like, and she pictured her husband's funeral, okay, so that like a couple of days later he ends up dying. So you know, it's not like about manifesting and stuff like that. Like I said, it was a really bad example, but when you were talking, because I just thought your mind was going yeah.
Speaker 2:I just thought episode yesterday and I was like you know, there's, there's no prompting here.
Speaker 4:There's no, none of it is like context. So we're not reliving the trauma, we're trying to, you know, shake it up and break it, break it apart and release it.
Speaker 2:Right. And now you brought up family origin. Why is that important in the nailing process?
Speaker 4:Because that's where we basically start, right. So you know it's your parents are the ones that from you coming into this world as a completely innocent little child and then you know the sometimes not very nice world gets a teeth into you. You know they're your caregivers, they're your teachers. Like you know, I was told I wasn't born with the proper coping skills. And when I've told some people that now they're like well, you weren't supposed to learn them yourself, right, nobody's born with no, well, your parents were supposed to teach you them, or so then you're looking at parents and when you try to look back at, let's say, their parents and I didn't know a lot about my grandparents, but I can now piece together the big things I do know and go oh, that's why she was like this, or he was like this, or they weren't strong enough when it came to this, that or the other, or they were behaving this way because they obviously didn't feel like they were good enough. So it's, it's understanding, like that history, and you know there's.
Speaker 4:When you talk about generational trauma, I mean it's also breaking those patterns. And if a stranger yourself, you know, means breaking a pattern, I mean I didn't have children, but my other sister did who's estranged, and one of the reasons she wanted to do that was because she didn't want her sons Right to be subjected to that dysfunction. So it's breaking those Repeating patterns, right? You definitely now.
Speaker 2:is there like a state and a person's healing process where they should seek your services, or is it something that you can start with the ground up from?
Speaker 4:I think people get to a point where you know they've done as much as they can on their own and you know you can go to a weekend retreat, you can read lots of books you can go talk to. And I'm not bashing on your therapy, because I did it for years. It got me through things. I think it's more advanced or different than it is now, but I went and rehashed what had happened, right and you know he was on my side.
Speaker 4:When you're doing coaching, it's more like pushing the client to look at themselves and doing the work on themselves, because the other person, like you know, yes, we can work on how you're going to get through it, but the other person, or the work scenario, you know, because that's one of the other ones that's a big focus is, you know, dysfunctional leadership. And I think somebody needs to be at the point where they tried a lot of things, they're fed up, they've had it. Because you've got to really want it Right, sure. And if someone wants to start from the ground up, how about it? That's great. To just acknowledging that you want to do, really want to do that work is huge Right.
Speaker 4:Definitely have to be willing to put in the work and ready to hear something I know part of my issue was when I started uncovering my trauma, I started to realizing how much trauma there was.
Speaker 2:And I was like there is no person that's going to deal with me and all this shit. I'm sure there is, I'm sure there, so have you dealt with it.
Speaker 2:I am, I'm still kind of like in my healing process I did conventional therapy to. I had a therapist for two years. It was like you I have that. I mean it taught me how to talk, which was like a really great benefit, because I was like I'm not going to do that, so I had to take that as a benefit because I needed to get things out.
Speaker 4:Get it out. Yeah, I never had a problem getting it out and that was one of the problems I kept at home. I kept explaining why I was unhappy or why I was this, and it was like falling on deaf ears and they didn't get it. So talking and getting things out is, I believe, very healthy. It is, it is.
Speaker 2:I didn't do it for so long. I was younger, so I was taught to be mute basically. So you know I'm sorry.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It happens. But to actually find a therapist who got me talked in and I was like you know what, fuck it. I'm going to take this chance, you asking all these questions, I'm going to tell you why I feel. Yeah, I'm going to tell you why I feel the way I feel when I feel like this.
Speaker 4:But no, you know what good for you, because that's like sharing your story and owning it. I referenced earlier, I had a call yesterday and then one the day before with potential clients and you know they booked a 30 minute call with me. They got on the phone and Basically revealed all the right you know a couple of secrets to, so to speak, and there were a couple of tears and I was like you know what I'm really proud of you, like getting on and just sharing that with a complete stranger. That's huge.
Speaker 2:Right. I mean, it's something that we believe in, of course is the reason why I have this podcast. I kind of I started healing and in healing I started to find peace and I was like okay, this exists.
Speaker 2:You can like go to sleep and not worry about shit, like this is nice, but then my problem is because I want to share everything. I feel like everybody should know what this is like, so yeah. So the message is you have trauma, deal with it. Okay, because if you're not dealing with your trauma, you never gonna find peace.
Speaker 4:No, you know, I mean that's it's easier said than done because, like I said, I try to say it's, it's relative. So, you know, I would think that I'd want to shut up about my story when I found it about yours, because it's, in my opinion, it's like nothing.
Speaker 3:I've said the same thing to him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I just feel like everybody's story it's your own and that's what makes us us, you know. It's like we don't have to compare trauma because I feel like a paper cut.
Speaker 4:That's the worst you experience can be the bad as me having cancer, you know yeah, and, and I remember there were years and years I was like, well, it's not like it's relative in my world, like I don't care about everything else Out there. So you're right in that sense too. And I mean, you know, I have minimized certain things, and sometimes I probably shouldn't, because they had more of an effect on me than I realized.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I mean no one can tell you your journey and how to heal and any of those things you know it's yours and I'm pretty sure it coach people into Kind of learning. Is it hard to kind of get people to follow your instructions?
Speaker 4:I know that sometimes to me people hit their people hit their shit right, they do.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah, people hit their shit. And I Remember one client I was working with I had a few suspicions About a few behavioral things, but it wasn't I didn't. You know, I wasn't gonna call her out on it, I was gonna see what transpired. And there was one day that, you know, I'd got a message we were supposed to have a session and then, like two minutes before, she canceled and I, my spidey sense, was like okay, I'm not quite buying this. So, as per the contract, I was like you know, I have to charge her a cancellation fee because there wasn't 24 hours notice. And blah, blah, blah. Well, she lost it and, like you know, basically, how dare you? And you know my doctors don't even do that and this, that and the other.
Speaker 4:And I remember going to like a coaching support call and I was pretty like you know, she kind of took a strip out of me and Then it was like where were you at, what session we're at? And I was like, well, we just finished doing this and this and this. And they're like, yeah, that's the bifurcation point. You shook everything up and she freaked out right. And then I did discover that the same, during the same time period, she had fired her best friend of 25 years, ouch. So yeah, I mean, but it it didn't take me up for that long, but I was still like, oh my god, am I not doing my stuff right? But she, she was worried, ready to get halfway through but not ready to take responsibility for Some of her behaviors. And when I, when I pushed it Right too much, yeah, she was willing to come back.
Speaker 2:Would you let her?
Speaker 4:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Okay, cool, just make it sure.
Speaker 4:Yeah, absolutely it was. You know. I mean, I've been backed into a corner in my life historically and I I'm still not. Someone tries to do that to me. I don't respond to that. Well.
Speaker 4:Right right and I wasn't trying to do that, but I was like, okay, I mentioned earlier about new strategies, right. So I was like, okay, when this happens with your ex-husband or this happens with your son, you know, when you use this new one, like right about it. And I was like I don't want to lose momentum because we didn't have the session this week and it was all very nice, not like hard to ask, but it was still like this is your homework, you got to do it and you know, if you don't, we agree there's a consequence that you're not gonna watch. They didn't put that in the email, but you're not gonna watch Netflix for two nights this week because that was one of her coping strategies. Yeah, so it's like I said, it's it's hard work.
Speaker 2:Well, you are not taking away my full roll ups, okay, so Let you know that is mine.
Speaker 4:You guys are funny. I love this.
Speaker 3:Several.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean my fruit roll ups is a thing people keep trying to say. Yeah, they got their own pillow on my bed when I lean the box he's crazy. I like wake up at three o'clock in the morning with my yuck mouth and like eating fruit roll ups yeah.
Speaker 3:He needs help with that.
Speaker 2:I do he needs.
Speaker 4:He needs hypnotherapy to Get rid of the fruit roll up.
Speaker 2:Addiction and I had someone I want to broadcast that came on this. You was like you can get like naturally eat.
Speaker 3:So it's 3 am and the sugar sitting in there and just decaying his teeth no, actually, my teeth are pretty good.
Speaker 2:I I'm glad they are, but yeah, but no, I worry about that too, but you know what I'm about to buy me a smile, so then I don't got to worry about it. So, yeah, but um, so how long have you been doing this? I did want to know that, like how long? I guess number one how long have you been on your healing journey yourself? And then how long have you been coaching others?
Speaker 4:Um, I mean, I've been coaching for the last three years but my healing journey has been ongoing without even knowing it half the time. But I mean, I guess even getting over the eating disorder was the start of the healing journey and that would have been in my early so 30 years. But I didn't have the stuff that I've learned, the last few, that was the most important and those are the pieces of puzzle that were missing. So, if I can take those and give them to my 33 year old self, yeah, I'm not complaining about where I am now because I managed to get here. That's good.
Speaker 4:And there was a reason. Obviously I'm not spiritual, but there must have been a reason. I don't believe that when some people have gone down horrible paths, but, Mika, there's no way, I wanna say to you. There's a reason that happened to you as a child so that you're sitting here today doing this and speaking to people, because that just sounds like I got goosebumps saying that, like that's kinda sick.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I say the same thing. I hate when people say that too, like everything happens for a reason, I feel like who's reason?
Speaker 4:Yeah, so I'm not. I say that in my scenario, but at the same time I'm like but why did I also have to go through that? Why didn't I get those 20, 25 years that everybody else had, where they had a great group of friends? I'm sure everything wasn't perfect, but they married, had a couple of kids, did regular Christmas, thanksgivings and Easter's and I was doing dysfunctional ones and then demo my own for 10 years and I had my first Halloween yesterday. I've always lived in condos or like apartments and we're in a house now. It was my first Halloween at 56. Wow, it was my actual house and Shawn decorated the front with dollar store stuff and we car the pumpkins and I counted 70 kids.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's a wrap. You know what? I had some kids knock on my door yesterday and I was so mad that I forgot to get candy.
Speaker 4:Why didn't you give them some fruit roll-ups?
Speaker 2:Yeah, right Because that's mine, okay, they belong to me, okay, and I know that it is.
Speaker 3:Lady, those little kids went home with nothing in their bag.
Speaker 2:No, it's not comfort food or my guilty pleasure, it is all those things. It just makes me feel better. I could just eat a fruit roll-up and go to sleep.
Speaker 4:You know what I'm like that with my holiday sauce. I don't like sharing it with anybody.
Speaker 3:Oh, everybody has a thing. I don't have a single thing.
Speaker 2:So you're gonna wait until we almost over to start lying to Amanda? So now, Amanda, before we do close out, is there anything that you want to share about our audience that we didn't allow you to say?
Speaker 4:No, I think it was more of a free-for-all. I hope your audience takes away maybe a little tidbit here. I mean, I wasn't on here to advise or coach. It was more see that it is possible to go from having all these struggles to creating a life that you're really happy with, and it doesn't mean you're not gonna still get challenges, but you've got different supports and different tools to manage the scenarios than you may have before.
Speaker 2:Right, definitely. Now I'm gonna ask you for some advice, right, Because that's why I do this for free therapy.
Speaker 2:So, I told you guys or everybody knows. I mean, I talked to everybody before but I kind of went through a lot of sexual assault and all those things and it was at the hand of men, and so I have an issue with men touching me. Just you know, you're in a club and people walk past you and they grab your waist and I, you know, but for my whole life I had female barbers and I just got a male barber. But the emotional stress that I go through to go to this barber to let him cut my hair when he's touching my neck and then, yes, to shave up around the lips and like my stomach hurts, and now I'm like sweating and I'm like can you turn a fan on? And they're like it's three degrees in here, you know, and it's like is that healthy? Would you think that's healthy? I mean, as far as me, still doing it.
Speaker 4:I think it's completely a normal reaction. I mean, like I said, I have an email come up.
Speaker 2:Right, right right.
Speaker 4:And it's a name that brings me back to the past. Is it gonna get easier? I certainly hope so. I mean, there are I'm trying to remember what the name of it because I have a modality and it's an exercise and one of my coach my training coaches did it with me and it was like basically a fear, because I sometimes get panic attacks driving and I was having to do a night drive and we were on a call one day and he's like do you wanna do this? I'll have to look it up and I'll email it to you, cause it's sort of like a one. It's a one pager, but it's like you can almost do it before going in. But that's normal, that is like, and good for you.
Speaker 2:It's normal. But sometimes I question, like I've got to keep going back, like why do you keep putting your body through this? Like are you so vain Because the haircuts are really really good? But it's like-.
Speaker 4:Well, that's the other part, Like do you wanna go meet the perpetrator again or be on the witness stand and be facing them? I mean, if that's triggering and putting your body into that much stress, then it's not safe.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:So go back to a female barber. I mean, you may have just done it to challenge yourself, to show yourself where you're at, and maybe you know what. You've done it once. You weren't comfortable, you know, go back to the females and maybe another year from now you'll try it again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm actually not really ready to give it up yet. Oh, okay, Like it's something, I just kind of wanted to get your opinion. I kind of always, like I said, I got to make your vice off of here. I'm not ready to give it up yet. I feel like I'm starting to like now. For a long time I was like damn, every time I go to the barber I get sick. You know, I wasn't putting two and two together. Now I'm understanding why I get sick. So, even though it is traumatizing, it is also healing me because I'm starting to learn, like those things that triggered me, that in real life triggered me.
Speaker 4:Well, this is like me in driving certain places and night and whatnot, I'm like, okay, you got to do this Right, but it's scary.
Speaker 2:It is scary, it is scary. And then I do know that if it ever gets to the point where I don't feel safe or it becomes too much, that I do need to stop. You know I'm not addicted to my barber or nothing, but I still am not giving up my full roll ups. Gotcha, all right, cool. Well, of course, we're going to list all of your contact information and the episode on our website and all those kinds of things. Any last minute words for our people. We are focusing on love, so I want you to give some love advice to our audience.
Speaker 4:Oh, love yourself, Love yourself.
Speaker 2:It's a very simple right, the best advice ever.
Speaker 4:And yeah, and the rest will follow.
Speaker 2:Okay, I hear a smash hit coming.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it's pretty simplistic, but well you guys have been really fun to chat with. Yeah, thank you so much. I didn't have to like I always get told I'm not smiling enough, but I think I actually made up for it today. You did.
Speaker 2:I'm glad that you did it with us. Of course, we're going to stay in contact, we're going to pass all your information on and I want to send you a pillow. So you have to send me your address. And, yes, we can send it to Canada.
Speaker 4:I would love one. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Awesome, and I'll reach out and provide all the information on the episode.
Speaker 4:Okay, amazing, sorry to interrupt.
Speaker 2:Did you have something else to say?
Speaker 4:I have nothing else to add. I think I did enough talking Me too.
Speaker 2:Thank you guys so much for watching, and we will see you next week.